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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Monday, March 7, 2005
Anyone wanna be an heir to my vast fortunes?
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: All in the family
Okay, this is the kind of sadistic household I live in. There is no loyalty here, people. I gave birth to those children, yet they TURNED on me in a heartbeat. I am so going to remember this one when they come begging for something like a NEW CAR. And MONEY. Geesh.

This morning, Mr. Diva woke me up with his usual fondling attempts. Agh, I abhor morning sex. It just doesn't happen in the Diva household. Ever. So after about 20 minutes of him pestering the living shit out of me I grabbed his arm, dug in my fingernails and said "If you do not stop rubbing on me I will kill you this very minute. I am not kidding, you asshole." He found this amusing and I'm sure he didn't really think I was serious, even though I said it through clenched teeth. So he, in about 3/4 of a second, flipped me onto my stomach, pinned me down and started TICKLING the hell out of me! Tickling! Me! He tickled me ruthlessly! Well, the muffled cries and screams that were coming from our bedroom sent the kids in of course. More witnesses of me being tortured. I was calling him names, I was not laughing, I. WAS. PISSED. He was cackling like a fucking maniac. Kady flipped OUT and not unlike a 2 1/2 foot tall Ninja warrior, jumped onto the bed and started pummelling her father screaming "YOU WET GO OF MY MOMMA YOU POOPOO PSYCHO BUTTHOG!! YOU ARE A DOODER HEAD AND YOU ARE MEAN AND YOU QUIT TICKWING MY MOMMA!" Yeah, that's my baby. She was doing her best to save her helpless mother. The sound of my youngest offspring's voice gave me power and I managed to flip that sadistic husband of mine off of me. Before I could fully get away though, he had me pinned again and the tickling began anew. He told Abby and Sam to tickle me, too. They refused. They stood there next to the bed, wide-eyed, bewildered and not sure if they should run and hide, call 911 or attack their father. I was saying, between screams, squeals and pants, that THEY loved me and THEY were loyal and THEY weren't torturing me brutally and THEY knew who the BEST parent was.

This is where it gets ugly: Paul said, "If you jump up here and tickle Momma you can have your Gameboys back."

(They got the Gameboys taken away 4 weeks ago when they lied, conspired with each other to perpetuate the lie and neither would give the other one up. Gotta give 'em credit for the sibling loyalty, but it really pissed us off. Paul said they would not get them back EVER until they 'fessed up.)

Those kids jumped on that bed and commenced to tickling faster than you can say Mario versus Donkey Kong. The little shits. Kady never did join in. She sat at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, pouting and yelling at them all, telling them they were dooder heads. I love that kid so much. The other two...well, I still love 'em, but they are outta the will. Out I tell ya.

The Diva has spoken at 5:14 PM CST

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