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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, August 20, 2004
One of them days...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss - Whiskey Lullaby
I should've known how the day was going to pan out when Sam woke me up this morning.

I've mentioned the trouble my eyes have been giving me, allergies and all, and they were really bad this morning. I could hardly see, they were so blurry and itchy. Well, he came in and woke me up with his famous stage-whisper and says, "Mom. Mom! Mom, wake up. I've got a tick on me!" Wha? I started rubbing my eyes trying to get them to focus, or at least attempt it at some point. No such luck. I could tell he was doing his best to not freak out and I was trying to clear my eyes up the best I could. Finally I said, "Just go back to the bathroom and I'll follow you", praying that either my eyesight would be restored in the walk to the other end of the house, or that he could pull the stupid tick off himself. Well, neither happened. I walked in the bathroom, blinded the rest of the way by the glaring light and shield them with my hands, blinking and rubbing with everything I had. I finally managed to open them somewhat and the first thing I see is my son with his underwear down around his knees, pinching his penis and wearing one of the weirdest expressions I've ever seen. If I hadn't known that he would just melt into tears if I laughed, trust me...I've have been in the floor rolling. Instead I bit my lip and tried to reassure him best I could. Penises are really not my expertise, having never owned one of my very own, ya know. At least with the girls I have some idea of the limits and boundaries, etc. Well, I managed to get the tick removed, even when Sam's grimaces, gasps and flinches tempted me to laugh once more, flushed the tick and the day continued...

This evening Paul managed to wander into a mess of ticks, himself. So what do I find myself doing at the end of the day? Well, fortunately it did not involve actually pulling a tick off of him, but I had to inspect him. Agh, that was a treat. Husband with jeans around knees, telling me he feels like there's one here and here and possibly here...I wasn't near as reassuring and compassionate as I was with Sam.

When I told him that Sam had had one on his penis this morning he did the typical Guy Brotherhood groan and crotch grab. You know've seen 'em all do it and if you're male you've done it yourself. They place one hand, sometimes two, over the crotch area, almost imperceptibly bend the knees, knit their eyebrows together and do this almost Homer Simpson-ish "D'oh!" thing. I seriously wonder if they realize they do it. I think it is something that is etched on their DNA and has been there since some cave dude grunted out "Ugh, watch Crog milk great hairy mammoth". Minutes later he finds himself with a mammoth tusk sticking out of his groin and the entire male population of the tribe grabs at their collective crotches.

D'oh. Ugh.

The Diva has spoken at 10:53 PM CDT

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