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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
The Derby
Mood:  spacey
Well, let me recap Saturday's events best I can. It's been awhile, but geez, people I've been durn busy!!!

Saturday morning Sis and I went in to paint, finishing up the flowers and whatnot on the car. I didn't shower or get ready then, knowing it would be a hot, dusty, dirty event. I didn't get a chance to take pics until that night, though. Here's one of the finished car:

And another:

By the time we got done it was nearly 1:30pm and I still had to get 3 kids ready, get myself ready and get to the wedding on time. But I did it. We were even a hair early to the wedding (plus it started late), so I was alright, just getting nervous. Soon as it was over, I flew to the fairgrounds, still in my capris and flippy sandals. I figured I could change in the truck, but the pits were swarming with people and I just wasn't comfortable with that. So I had to walk alllll the way to the entrance where they had a restroom with stalls. I got changed, considered puking while I was there, but decided against it. Got back to the pits and basically stood around faunching and pacing. Just driving the car into the arena for the Best of Show competition made me shake like a leaf! The guys were laughing, so I had to suck it up a bit. So it came time for Best in Show - I didn't win. Neither did Andy. We were robbed by some redneck, racist pig who had nasty white-ist comments on his car. For one thing, the Elks shouldn't have allowed it. For another thing, the crowd should not have voted for him! I was livid over that. So then after the voting I had to get in my car in front of alllll those people in the stands. I could just imagine myself tripping and falling face-first into the mud, or worse, into the car! But I hopped up onto the hood like a pro, dropped down into the car and rumbled off like I'd done it every day of my life. My fans (aka, family) said I was lookin' pretty cool out there. Yeah, baby. So I sat in the pits, watching the Chains heats, growing more and more nervous by the second, trying to watch the derby and glean valuable tips and ideas. Mannnn...I didn't glean much. My teeth were itching, which is a sure sign I'm nervous. Yes, my teeth itch. I can't help it, it's just one more thing that makes me weird, lol. So I went to the bathroom, aka porta potty. Bleh, that didn't help, probably made me more antsy. I bummed a cigarette. So much for smoking calming a person down. I drank some water because for some reason I had NO SPIT IN MY MOUTH then. Then, I heard Andy holler at me, telling me we were up next. AGH! I was to the point where I was either going to start laughing hysterically or cry like a baby, I was so nervous. His daugher, Casee (she's 14) was just as nervous as I was. We kind of hugged and headed to the cars, both of us looking like we were heading to be slaughtered.

Paul, bless that man's heart, completely centered me. If y'all only knew him - he's 10 years older than me, very quiet and rarely shows emotion, publicly or privately. That's just him. I've learned to deal with it, knowing that he really does love me, somewhere inside all the redneck exterior. Don't get me wrong, he tells me he loves me and all, but as far as being a big emotional supporter, well he's not really into that. So he helped me put my helmet on, looked me squarely in the eyes and asked me if I was sure I was okay. I just nodded because if I'd tried to say anything at that point I'd have cried. He looked so concerned and so proud all at the same time. He tightened up my helmet, put his hands on my shoulders and said, serious as he could be, "Richie says to 'drive it like you stole it,'" which got us both smiling. "Now, get out there and kick some ass, baby," and that was that. He turned me around and nudged me toward my car. At that moment I was grounded, completely calm and ready to go. Okay, not completely calm, but calmer anyway, lol. I walked up the hood, dropped into the car, wiggled into the seat and there was my man again, at my window, situating my pillows (Yes, I had pillows between me and the driver's door. And they helped too!) and helping me with my seatbelt. Once more he asked if I was ready. I nodded, bit my lip and put 'er into gear. He banged the hood twice and sent me off. The Diva was in the zone, lemme tell ya.

The announcer shouted "Drivers! Are you ready??5,4,3,2....ONE!" and I headed in reverse, aiming at a black car right across the arena from me. BAM! The first hit HURT! But think about it, I've never been in a car accident (well when I was 3, but I don't remember it) so I really didn't know what to expect when I got hit by another car. But I shook it off, took about a half a second to gather myself and then the fight was on. It was pure adrenaline and determination flowing through me and I was out for blood. I made a good hit then CRASH I got hit by 3 cars at once. Yow, that was a brain-rattler. I managed to get free, got a clear shot and rammed a girl from our shop with all my might. Then her husband rammed me. It was fun! I got off to the end of the arena and my car died. I could hear it cranking, but it wouldn't turn over. I looked for my pit crew (Husbands #1 and #2) and they were trying to sign-language me through it. Finally, they just told me to break my flag because I was in danger of getting rammed just sitting there. It was over. But man, I was still high! I was #9 out of 17 to flag out, so not too bad for a first-timer. The derby was still going on, other cars still crashing and Sis was yelling at me that she was going to pay my fee for Powder Puff. That's what we call gettin 'er done! ROFL I hadn't intended on driving PowPuff, but had it not been for my battery I'd have gone a lot further in Compact, so I wanted my shot again. I knew I was going up against some big cars, but I didn't care! Here's a shot from the first heat:

When it was finally over, my husbands came out and determined that my battery was just going dead and the car was certainly still driveable. Ah, blessedness! I was definitely going to do it again. Paul looked so proud and so did Richie! They were both grinning from ear to ear, telling me I did a good job for a rookie. Yeah, so they added "for a rookie", but hey, I still took it as a compliment. They put in a brand new battery, sledged out a few minor kinks and at my request, fixed my trunk lid. It had popped up at the first hit and I had a really hard time seeing. I was ready to go again. An hour after the first round I was in the arena again, getting ready to smash into my redneck sisters this time. My little bitty purple Buick Celebrity looked like a mouse turd compared to the enormous red, white and blue Chrysler across from me, but I was undaunted. The hits were a lot harder that heat, but I still held my own. Once a chick hit me with her front-end square into my left front fender. Hard enough to kill both our cars. I looked over at her, she looked up at me, we both smiled and waved and backed up to go after someone else. That had me laughing out loud! Polite bitches, that's what we were. That aforementioned rw&b Chrysler hit me one too many times and I was after her. Oohhh, she was brutal! (She hit me so hard it konked my head against the frame. Thank God for helmets!) And I was going to get brutal back. Afterwards, my aunt Janet said, "I think you were pissed off at one point weren't you?" Hella yeah. I was #5 to flag out in that heat, it starting with 10 cars. Again, not too bad for a newbie.

I was noodle-legged when it was all over with, but oh so happy. I had done it!! My neck was really sore for a few days, my legs were sore from bracing (I think I mentioned that in the last post) and my chest was pretty tender. Now I'm fine, just sporting some cool bruises on my chest and boob, lol. We're going to Ft. Smith, AR, this weekend for the big stuff. Andy's racing his super cool, ultra loud racing truck and we're going along to pit crew and to watch and learn. We are SUCH rednecks!

If you want to see all the pics from the derby, email me and I'll send you the link to the photo album I made. There are some good pics, but too many to post on here. Here's one of the post-derby car, though:

The Diva has spoken at 3:54 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, September 30, 2004 5:19 PM CDT

Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 10:00 PM CDT

Name: Babs
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Wow! What an experience. I can't even imagine. Thanks for the recap of your amazing event and give your body some TLC for at least a few days!

Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 11:04 AM CDT

Name: Kalamity
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Wow! I think that you'd handle the Brooklyn Queens Expressway just fine. I like the bees & flowers.

Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:48 PM CDT

Name: Sychotic1
Home Page:

Niiiice. Looks like a load of fun. Now you need a bigger meaner car and kick some buttocks.

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