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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Monday, October 4, 2004
"You might not be as redneck as you think."
Mood:  loud
This is what my mom said to me when I was relating the events of our past weekend to her. And I am going to have to agree. This is why I'm so quick to put "diva" behind the redneck, because while I have many, many redneck tendencies, all in all, I am a pretty poor excuse for a redneck.

Don't get me wrong, I do love the races and simply cannot live without driving in a demolition derby again, but there are just some things that I won't do, redneck obligations or not.

I sat in the bleachers Saturday night after the guys kicked us girls out of the pit and watched mullet after mullet walk by, wondering why in the hell has this hair style not been outlawed? Gag. The reason I saw so many damn mullets was because right below us was the Kid Rock monster truck and boy howdy, if you wanna see rednecks, wife-beaters, tattoos and mullets just bring out anything that has to do with Kid Rock. He's our poster child. Geez, you would not BELIEVE how many rednecks have camera phones!!!! I'm sure the airwaves were hot with text messages and mobile pictures that night.

"Yo, Johnny Bob, chk out cool pix of me & KID FREAKIN ROCK's truck. Ethel sez hi 2 - CYA" followed by multiple pictures of Rosco in his wife-beater, 5 or so dirty cotton-candy-sticky kids gathered around him, stringy hair nearly covering the tattoos all over his upper arms, grinning like a mad loon in front of the beloved Kid Rock truck. I've said it before, I'll say it again: You can't make crap like this up, people.

Friday night was the demolition derby, which was way cool and made me glad I didn't drive in it. One woman was brave enought to drive and I will have to say she's way high up on my hero list now. Geez, these guys were out to maim and possibly kill. I mean, yeah, the payout was $1200, but for cryin' out loud a ride in an ambulance costs that! We saw more than one car get knocked way the hell over the 3-foot tall barriers, one car nearly knocked over and several that were hit so hard their car looked like it'd been to the crusher by the end of the heat. We went into the arena after it was all over, checking out the cars, looking them over, seeing which ones fared best and which ones are crap. All of the sudden someone yells "FIRE!" and lo and behold the winning car had spontaneously burst into flames. That was freakin' cool. But here's the hilarious part: instead of getting the heck outta Dodge, the driver dives head first into the car to get his helmet. Guy's gotta have priorities I guess.

Andy drove great in the tough truck competition Saturday night. He ran a good race and when he came around the back corner and went over one of the hills, when he landed he blew a tire. Everyone one of us groaned and we knew it was all over, but that guy is so cool he finished on the rim. We applauded that one, understandably.

After we played around on the 4-wheelers in the arena awhile, jumping the barriers and hills, we decided to head back to the trucks. Some guy brings along his whole dang kitchen and cooks some serious barbecue, lemme tell ya. Whoo, that was some good eats. I was SO hungry, having eaten nothing but a gyro from the midway earlier in the afternoon (Note to self: Don't eat gyros at state fairs.)and it was now roughly 11pm. So instead of being smart about it all and eating first, what did I do but start drinking. And fast. At one point, I think it was the point where I was sitting sprawled out in my lawnchair, my feet in my husband's lawnchair, bottle in one hand, cigarette in the other, staring at the sky, that Andy called out, "Sommmmmeone's a cheap daaaaaaaate!" I think I told him to bite me. Or some other sort of crude remark involving my arse.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Tiring, kind of boring at times, dirty, hot during the day, colder than crap at night and I didn't see my husband but about 2 hours the entire daytime, but pretty good regardless.

There's another demolition derby this weekend! Guess who's driving--g'head, I'll give ya three guesses....okay, okay, I'll just tell ya. ME!!! *does happy little demolition derby diva dance all around her office shrine to Kid Rock*

The Diva has spoken at 11:26 PM CDT

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