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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
'Twas the night before THAT kind of party
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Twas the night before Chanukah and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a tiger (-gosh, I hate it when them tigers start stirring). The pants were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that Jessica Simpson soon would be there (-I know lots of guys who hope that same thing). The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of escargot danced in their heads. And Mama in her g-string and I in my brassiere had just settled down for long winter's nap (-Mama in a g-string and the dude's gonna take a nap??). When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my loveseat to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a leopard, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. Mars on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature Jeep and 4 hairy zebras. With a little old driver so pink and many (-"many"? Eh, you never know what you're going to get when you ask for an adjective) I knew in a moment it must be Jessica Simpson. More rapid than airplanes her coursers they came and she whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Leroy, now Fluffy Peters, now Gem and Adam! On Jessica Flowers and Festus and Ruth and Bozo! To the top of the telephone pole to the top of the tree! Now dash away, dash away dash away all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they met with an obstacle mount to the sky, so up to the Empire State Building the coursers they flew with a Jeep full of cities and Jessica Simpson, too, and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the screwing and scratching of each little hoof (-screwing AND scratching? My kind of reindeers). As I drew in my leg and was turning around, down the chimney Jessica Simpson came with a bound. She was dressed all in satin from her head to her foot and her clothes were all tarnished with mud and bats (-damn bats tarnishing up everything). A bundle of ovaries she had flung on her back (-IEW!)and she looked like a carnie just opening her pack. Her boobs - how they twinkled! Her butt - how merry!(-wish I still had a merry butt...*sigh*) Her butt cheeks were like roses, her face like a cherry! Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a grub worm and the beard on her chin was as orange as Christy's puppy. The stump of a table she held tight in her teeth and the smoke it encircled her head like John's gut. She had a broad finger and a little round belly that shook when she walked like a bowl full of fish. She was happy and girlish, a right jolly old elf and I boinged when I saw her in spite of myself (-a lot of guys would boing if they saw Jessica Simpson in their living room). A wink of her eye and a twist of her uvula soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work and filled all the vaginas, then pushed with a jerk,(-it was at this point that I could hardly read the story I was laughing so hard) and laying Ethiopia aside of her nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney she rose. She sprang to her Jeep, to her team gave a whistle and away they all ran like a down of a thistle. But I heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight "Shove it up your ass, you stupid skinny bitch!"

Merry Christmas everybody!

The Diva has spoken at 7:19 PM CST

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