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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Thursday, December 23, 2004
When it all goes wrong
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Did y'all ever watch Three's Company? Know how goofy Jack was? Well, all three of them for that matter. But anyway, I thought of that show after I went running into my utility room this morning and discovered water spraying from the washing machine drain pipe in the wall roughly three feet into the air. But the real Three's Company moment came when I went rushing towards the washing machine, arms flailing in front of my face, trying to see through the gushing water to get to the controls on the washer to turn the stupid thing off. When I finally plunged through the warm, sudsy water emitting from the demon pipe and found the button, slammed my wet and dripping palm into it, I stood panting in front of the washer, looking down at my soaked pajamas, hair dripping with yucky dirty soapy water and then I wanted to cry like Lucy Ricardo. It would've been the perfect moment for a classic Lucy "WAHHHHHHHHHH".

I put out a call to the children "KIDS! GET ME SOME TOWELS NOW!!!!!!" And husband came running, entered the utility room and muttered "Holy shit." I sopped up the mess best I could, wiped down the walls and threw all of the clean but now wet clothes that were on the dryer into the dirty clothes piles and fought back tears. I then cussed a little. Then a little more. Then I went to the phone to call my mother, because this is what I do when I have a crisis - I call my mother. Then I got the phone book and started calling plumbers. The first phone call I made was to our regular plumber, the one we use on our rent house in town, who wasn't answering either number in the book. Then because I don't have another plumber, started making calls in order of listing in the yellow pages. The first machine I got said they are closed until January 4, but to have a happy holiday. You betcha, Mr. Plumber Man, I'll do that. The next 3 places were no answers, no machines. I bet there are plumbers all over Miami crouched in the corner, hands over their ears, screaming "MAKE THE RINGING STOP!" I encountered 2 more machines to leave messages on and friends, I left the most pitiful sounding messages I could possibly leave. I need to polish up my pitiful voice I guess because they haven't called me back. I didn't call the drunk indian plumbers, because we used them once and watching them throw beer cans out from under your house while they work on your gas line is kind of disturbing. I finally got hold of an actual person and asked if they had plumbers working today and she said yes and they could have one to my house by afternoon. I said "Great! How much is a service call?" Her reply: $99.50 for the service call, which includes the first hour. Then it's $35 per man, per hour, every hour after that. AND they work in 2-man crews. I choked, then managed to ask how long the average call is and she asked what was going on. She then told me it would probably take them 3 to 4 hours. I politely told her that I didn't have that kind of money, no matter what kind of plumbing emergency I had. When I hung up I told Paul what she said. He sighed and said, "Better call the drunk indians." The drunk indians didn't even answer the phone.

And here I sit at 4:20pm, unshowered.

I called my mother in law after I called my mother and before I started calling plumbers to see if she could loan me some money to pay for the plumber. She said she wanted to come over this morning anyway and yes, she'd bring some money. So I rounded up all the Christmas gifts for the kids that were from her (I do her shopping for her) and wrapped them so she could watch the kids unwrap them. Abby got a Gameboy Advance (Yes, now we have TWO. TWO TIMES the fun!), Sam got a punch/kick target that we got from his Sensei (He loved it and I will hear the sounds of his repeated HYE's!!! in my sleep tonight) and Kady got an InteracTV thingy that you play the CD's and interact with it via the hand-held doohickey. SO I sit down to program the silly thing, using the codes given in the user's manual, only to find that none of the given codes work. I even tried finding the code manually, like it said. I didn't work either. I called the 800 number and she informed me that it does not work with Playstations, which is what we use for a DVD player. Guess what the Hoovers are getting for Christmas??? I called my local Wal-Mart (which my husband is still employed at since he didn't get that new job) to ask if they still had some of those nifty $27 DVD players they had during the after-Thanksgiving Blitz sale and for weeks thereafter. The friendly dude in Electronics said "Yeah, except they're $38.86 now." Then, Friendly Electronics Dude, they are NOT $27 DVD players any more, now are they?" GEEZ!

Husband still hadn't finished his Christmas shopping for me, the procrastinator, PLUS I put him in charge of stockings this year because it's high time he helped out a little, so I made him a list (Checked it twice. Sorry I couldn't resist) and sent him off to Wal-Mart. He called me from the parking lot and said "NO WAY IN HELL am I going in that store! Kristin, the parking lot is FULL!" I calmly asked him was it not his darling, level-headed wife that told him weeks ago that he needed to get his shopping done and did he not rebuff me each time with a scoffing "I can get everything I need at Wal-Mart. I can wait till the last minute." He wasn't amused that I brought this back up to him. I told him that the crowd wasn't going to lessen, find a parking spot somewhere, suck it up, quit being a wuss and count his blessings that he isn't dragging four kids with him.

We'll see if he gets me what he intended or if I end up with Rain-X, a beaded car seat and a bottle of fabric softener for Christmas.

The Diva has spoken at 4:36 PM CST

Thursday, December 23, 2004 - 6:34 PM CST

Name: Tiff- your BFF
Home Page:

You poor thing. I'm sooo sorry you've had a bad run of luck these past two days. I'll pray for you extra hard tonite.
*********internet hugs and affection***********************
I love you,

Friday, December 24, 2004 - 10:33 PM CST

Name: moos
Home Page:

I can't believe that someone else has the same washing machine karma as me. Actually anything involving water goes bonkers for me on a regular basis.

How's your vacuum cleaner karma - mine is even worse than the water thing.

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