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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, January 9, 2005
It's Sunday and you need to know more about me
Mood:  loud
Topic: About me
I have been working on a List of 100 meme for like ever and frankly, it's just going nowhere. I got 35 or so and quit. Then worked it up to 72. Saved it and let it rest awhile. I'm up to 94 now and that's it. There is no more about me. I'd hate to think there are only 94 things about me that I need to tell you, but I'm afraid that's it. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, don't you find that just reading about me and my maternal exploits on a daily basis is giving you the picture of me that you need? I think so. So screw the 100 Things meme. Screw it.

I am still wearing yesterday's makeup. It's bad. I must get this oily, ivory-colored mess off of my skin soon.

I love winter because my hands are always cold and my rings are always slipping around my fingers like they're too big. Even though I always gain like 10 pounds in the winter and resort to wearing sweats, windpants and pj pants because my jeans are too tight, I feel like I'm a little skinnier when I fight to keep my rings on the tops of my fingers.

When I type I always cross my ankles. Usually left over right. When things start cramping and falling asleep, I'll switch, but usually within minutes it's back to left-over-right.

Last night Courtney ate a chocolate covered coffee bean while we were perusing the EVP website. I love those little chocolate covered morsels of pure caffeine and eat them with hearty crunches and grinds. Courtney, however, just sucked off the chocolate first. When she finally bit into the coffee bean OH THE LOOK ON HER FACE! It was classic. She goes "OOH! Ooh! Coffee bean NASTY!" I turned around to where she was making a bitter beer face behind me and then busted out laughing. "Did you suck all the chocolate off first????" When she nodded in the midst of her attempts to swallow, the rest of us all went "Oooh". Bub said, "Yeah, you'll never do that again, huh." It was pretty funny. I offered her another one to chomp on, thinking she could add some chocolate to the existing grainy mess in her mouth to help it go down, but she refused and ran to find water. Bless her heart. Coffee bean virgin, she was.

I sat my ass in the recliner this morning and watched an entire hour of Rascal FlattsAll Access on CMT. 60 blissful minutes of Joe Don Rooney and those other two guys that seem to maybe sing with him. Or something.

I ran my dishwasher yesterday. I got sick and damn tired of the skin peeling off my hands due to long-term exposure to soapy dishwater. I all but sandbagged my kitchen and ran that sucker. No leaking and when I opened the door when the cycle was over, I swear that dishwasher sighed in sheer contentedness. I patted her and said, "Well done, my good and faithful appliance." I then explained to her that I hadn't been punishing her by not using her lately. I explained the septic situation and she was very understanding. We have a great relationship. I ran her again this morning. Another good experience. I left the rolled up towel squashed up under the front of it, though. Just in case. She understood.

I'm down to 7 cigarettes in the pack I have hidden in my sock drawer. When they are gone, I'm done. Really. I mean it. Don't look at me like that and nod your head condescendingly. I'll bitch-slap you. STOP IT!

I need to go to town this afternoon. Man, I don't want to. I have prescriptions for both girls ready at the pharmacy. Abby's going to the dentist tomorrow and has to have her bi-weekly dose of immune-depleting amoxicillin before they'll touch her. Kady's down to two Singulair and she started rattling yesterday. We're also out of milk. Medicine and bone-strengthening calcium I guess are pretty good reasons to peel the pj pants off my body and put on some sweats, take off my oily day-old makeup, load all three kids into the van and drive to the hell we call Wal-Mart. I guess.

Last night, as we were walking out the door Kady said, "Momma, does me have to do in-hay-wers tonight?" I said, "Yes, sweetie. Grammy knows all about how to do it." She flipped her head around and snottily said, "SEE Sam! Me TOLD you!" Yikes, my little diva, step back and control thyself.

When we got home last night around 10, the kids were still up. Mom simply stated that I never actually said that she was to put them in bed, so she let them stay up. Kady came running over and stood right in the middle of us all and began swinging her hair from shoulder to shoulder. She can do this simply by bending at the waist and flipping her head while jerking her shoulder up ever so slightly. It's rather fascinating to watch a three year old do this. Kind of scary, too, that she's working them feminine wiles already. Anyway, she got our attention with the hair flipping and then announced "Gwammy dwied my hair with your hair dwyer, Momma! With YOUR hair dwyer!" I think she was trying to rile me up by tattling that my hair dryer was used by someone other than me. What she doesn't understand is that I am not like her siblings and I will not put you in the Vulcan Death-grip for using my belongings. Unless it's my computer and then you'd better watch yourself, buddy. That's crossing a line.

It's nearly noon and the children are whining for food. It's just like a kid to ask for food when their little tummies growl. That's one thing about kids. You gotta watch yourself. You feed 'em one time - ONE TIME - and the little boogers keep coming back expecting you to do it again and again.

The Diva has spoken at 11:46 AM CST

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