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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Oopsie
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
Paul and I went to sleep around 3:30 this morning. He got up 20 minutes before he was supposed to actually be at work this morning. Therefore, building the fire he had let go out during the night was not high up on the list this morning. When I finally was sick and tired of hearing my early-rising children ask me repeatedly for food, I got up to a frigid house, no fire and no wood even in the house. Grrrrrrr. If the wood is dry as a popcorn fart and I have newspaper and, sometimes it takes, starter logs, I can build a fire. It's a smokey ordeal, I cuss a lot and have been known to just give up and turn up the central heat. But today, I found some dry bark on the dead wood pile and used it to build a rather toasty fire in a hurry. It's been burning an hour now and I figured it was about time to add some green wood. I just went out to the wood pile, which is right outside our back door, and got a couple of logs, threw them on the fire then went back out to get more for the wood box. I hate running outside in my pj's when it's 15 degrees outside, so I figured I'd just bring in a bunch at once. EXCEPT all of the wood is frozen together. I guess the two logs I brought in first were the only ones dislodged from the mess! The wood he stacked this week was some that had been down awhile and with all the rain we've had, was pretty wet. Obviously. Now I'm going to have to actually get dressed in order to spend the amount of time outside that it's going to take to break all the wood apart. Dadgummit!

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Last night we taped our audition tape for The Biggest Loser. It was fun, if nothing else. If we don't get on the show, or even make it to an interview, we at least had fun with Courtney during the taping. She wrote us a song! I don't think she's got a copyright on it, so I'll give ya the words:

(Sung to the tune of "Summer Love" from the Grease soundtrack)

I ate some donuts, I ate some cake.
How much junk food can my body take?
I saw a show on the TV.
I think it can help you and me.

Overweight mommies and sisters, too, but oh there's something we can do.

Well-uh, well-uh, well-uh....yadda yadda, ad nauseum

Tell me more tell me more - How do we get on the show?
Tell me more tell me more - We could even win dough!

Biggest Loser, just wait and see...we'll lose the weight you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Oh my gosh, yes it's corny. But it's HILARIOUS and we really feel like it's eye-catching. They are looking for personality and we both have that for sure.

The tape then cuts to Sis talking about why she wants to go on the show. She almost made me cry! She's so very sincere and heartfelt. Mine was, of course, funny-ish. They said I got real quiet and almost slipped into talking like my mother (The thought!), but it was still touching and of course humorous at the end. Then after that, the tape cuts to us both holding up a picture of all 5 kids and we say how they are our reasons for wanting to do this, Sis says we want to be around to see them grow up, want to be there to watch them walk down the aisle and I cut in with "Hey, we just want to be able to FIT down the aisle!" Note: We are both quite able to fit down the aisle of a church. It was humor, that's all folks. If we get too big to fit down the aisles of the church, well...that's just not gonna happen dammit.

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When we were done filming, we asked Paul if he minded me going to the casino with them. He said he didn't care, but in the back of my mind, I thought I was going to pay for it somehow. I just assumed that he would go to bed, seeing as how he had to get up at 5:30. I should never assume when it has to deal with my husband. While we were at the casino, Heather got a call telling her the Melissa's sister's water had broke and they were at the hospital. So when we left the casino at 12:45am we dropped off Courtney and went up to the hospital. Upon reentering the car I discovered that Paul had called. I called him back and he was pissed. After telling me that I was never going out again, like my father would've done, then telling me he couldn't sleep (which was strange) and to get home, I hung up the phone and silently loathed him for being such a prick. When I got home I took off my makeup and tried as quietly as I could to get into bed without waking him up. He was snoring and I thought 1) Yay he was finally able to go to sleep and 2) Yay he's asleep and hopefully won't yell at me some more. I slipped into the bed and tried to not breathe very hard. I felt myself slipping off, relaxing and then out of the blue he goes "Our f**king house is haunted." AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I nearly jumped outta the bed! Not at the declaration of hauntedness, but at his voice.

So I asked him why he thought the house was haunted, trying to stifle a giggle. But the tone of his voice as he described it quickly told me that he really wasn't kidding. He said the dresser pulls had been clacking against the dresser. Hmm...so I laid there in the quiet, listening for the ghost who quite possibly had an underwear fetish or maybe he was just cold out there in the drafty next life and wanted a sweater. I heard nothing. Finally I said, "Paul, maybe you dreamed it." He goes "No! It just takes awhile. It'll happen again, I'm sure of it!" So more listening. By this time it's 2:30am. I feel myself drifting off again. I was so tired that a freaking poltergeist would've had to have picked me up, thrown me across the room and slapped me with a dead pickerel to have kept me awake right then. Ahhh, blissfull sleep...then again, out of the blue, "I'm horny." AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I will kill that man one day, I'm sure of it.

I asked him later (after the sex, because you know if they're awake and horny and 2:30am and you are awake and incredibly tired, it's just easier to give in so they'll leave you the hell alone) "Did the sound go something like this?" and I mimicked the sound. He wheeled around and said "YES!! You heard it, too??" I said, "Uhh, nnnnnno.... Dear, that is either a rattly window or something in the eaves that clacks when the wind blows. It's done it since we moved in 4 years ago. Now can I go to sleep?" He mumbled something about how it seemed funny that he'd never heard that noise before and he'd lived here four years just like the rest of us... and I felt myself drifting off once more.

Out of the blue --
He: What. the. f**k. is. THAT. noise???"
Me: You big baby, it's a train. I will murder you if you wake me up again.
He: ...
Me: And no, we are not having sex again.

The Diva has spoken at 11:20 AM CST

Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 6:25 PM CST

Name: Little C

I had so much fun with you two last night! I hate it that Paul was pissed that we stayed out so late. But it sounds like the you paid the baby-sitter well. *wink wink* *nudge nudge* I was so excited with the possibility that your house is haunted. Damn the rattley windows!

Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 6:31 PM CST

Name: redneck-diva

Last night, I was really torn by the prospect of an actual haunting in my house. The whole talking through the tape player and the computer didn't scare me in the least, but the thought that some dead dude was actually able to rattle my dresser pulls was kind of disturbing to me. I kept going back and forth from "THIS IS SO COOL!! We have a ghost!" to "Holy shit, what have I DONE? WHAT have I invited into my home??"

Then after I realized it was the windows, I just kept thinking, "Man, we need to get new windows."

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