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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, January 14, 2005
Coffee is so awesome
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Rambling much
I am drinking my second cup of Coffee Squared this morning and I'm feelin' pretty damn good. Coffee Squared is what I call my own personal concoction of coffee with 4 heaping teaspoons of English Toffee instant cappuccino mixed in. Twice the caffeine, baby!'s strong and it's sweet and it's hot and it's everything I ever wanted in a cup of coffee and a man. *grin* Try it - your head will spin, you'll feel your heartrate increase and the world will amazingly right itself before your very eyes.

Well, tonight's the night. Oh! I don't think I've actually told y'all yet. *looks back through recent posts...* Nope, haven't told y'all. Sis and I are auditioning for The Biggest Loser! Yep, we're doing it. Now, I realize that y'all are sittin' there thinkin' "Just how FAT are they anyway?!?" Well, we're fat. Plain and simple. Any fat is too fat, right? I dunno, being a fat person myself, the jury's still out on that one, lol. Okay, so anyway, when the finale was over the other night and Caroline Rhea announced that they are still taking applications and they are specifically looking for families, well my little brain went squeaking into motion. Paul, who has kind of laughed through the whole season when I have casually mentioned that I want to do it, said "Well, there ya go. There's your web address. You know you want to, so go for it." No sooner had those words come from his mouth than the phone rang. I sat straight up on the couch (because I was lying flat on my back, eating Cheetos while watching a show about fat people losing weight) and said "That's Heather and she's going to ask if I want to go on the show with her." He got this weird look on his face and trepiditiously picked up the phone, almost as if he half expected the dead people in my computer to begin speaking through the phone.

He doesn't understand the psychic bond we have, my sister and I. Don't laugh - we do! We will suddenly burst into song together - at the same spot in the song and once or twice have even done it in perfect harmony. We finish each other's sentences. Like day before yesterday we were in the van, talking about something. The conversation kind of dropped off, both of us in our little thought-world then she goes "Well, that I wanna know is-" and I said, "Yeah me too!" and the actual thing we both wanted to know was never actually spoken, yet we knew what the other was thinking and continued the conversation. We are freaky like that.

So it was no surprise to me when he said Hello and heard my sister yell frantically "Let me talk to your wife!" And he goes "Uhhh, I think I already know what you want to ask her," and handed me the phone.

So my darling sister came up with our fantastic audition ideas and we've asked Cousin Courtney to produce and direct it because you know she IS the Small Town Starlet after all and she has amazing ideas when it comes to marketing and stuff like that. She said our ideas were great, but in the video we MUST have something in there about the fact that I entertain like a crazy woman and what a fabulous cook I am and all the while she's saying these pretty words, my ego is swelling to gigantic proportions that would rival the gigantic proportions of my ass. So we decided that tonight is the night. After the boys finish karate, we are taking the kids to Mom's and then the production will begin. We're hoping to just wow the hell out of 'em and make them remember our fat selves. I mean, after all, that's what we want, right?

I'm sure that in my life I've been known for my fat-ness. Like when people say "She's so pretty, if she'd just lose that weight" and "You know who she is - that well, bigger girl with the loud braying donkey laugh? Yeah, that's her!" but this time in my life I actually want people, mainly the exec's at Go Faster Productions, to remember me for my voluptuous curves and all that. (If I hadn't had so much coffee this morning my mind would probably be able to think of more synonyms and analogies, but as it is, I can't do much more than type and bounce my leg and pray spell check picks up the many, many errors coming from my flying fingers.)

Sis and I filled out our applications together last night. One question was "What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?" We were both completely stumped on that one. We were both sadly thinking that we have got to be two of the most boring people in the world and neither of us could come up with a thing. So we skipped that question and went to "How competitive are you?" Well, I am only competitive in certain instances and for the most part, am pretty spineless. So I was torn as to how to answer the question. I hollered into the living room to Paul, asking him how competitive I am. He said, "Well, how competitive were you during the Demolition Derby?" And Sis and I were both like "THE DEMOLITION DERBY!!!!" We finally had my outrageous moment. And my answer to the competitive question. I am pretty competitive when I want to be - and I SO want to be concerning this show.

When we finished the applications, we swapped and read each other's. My sister is so amazing. She's so inspring and focused and well, she's strong even though she'd never describe herself as that. I was touched by her answers. She will wow them with her sincerity. I finished and sat and watched her finish reading mine. She sat back and said, "Man, yours is FUNNY! Why can't Ibe funny? They're going to take one look at our applications and they're going to say 'We want the funny one, but that droll sister has got to go!'" I assured her that no one would find her droll and that they were going to find us the most perfectly complimenting couple of sisters that will fit the spot needed in their show. Here's hoping anyway.

The Diva has spoken at 9:39 AM CST

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