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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Mood:  surprised
Well, I finally got a picture on here, even if it isn't in an actual post. It's a pic of me and it's in my profile. Beware, though - it's HUGE! Obviously I need to knock the size down a tad, but it's late and I have to get up early and well, frankly, I just don't feel like screwing with it anymore.

The Diva has spoken at 10:23 PM CDT
A quiz, a quiz! My kingdom for a quiz!
Mood:  sharp
So anyone who's been on the 'net for any length of time has gotten one of these quizzes/surveys. If you haven't...well, do you even get any email at all? Do you have friends? I, personally, love them. It's a narcissistic thing, I guess, but I love talking about myself and sharing with others about how neurotic and ultimately cool I am. I also get a huge kick out of reading about everyone elses little quirks and habits. *shrugs* I'm easily amused, what can I say?

Here's a quiz, which I've already taken the liberty of filling out for myself. I'd just be tickled 47 ways pink if you'd oblige and comment with your answers! (Do you feel like you're revisiting junior high again? Yep, I think I hear Wham! or the Culture Club playing softly in the background...)

1. Full name: (This is the 'net folks, and I don't know whether you're a certifiable stalker and you don't know that I'm not one either, therefore I'm leaving off the last name. You should as well.) Kristin Dawn

2. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 31 and there will never be any more than that.

3. What kind of car do you drive? A dark blue/green 1998 Chevy Astro van. I LOVE my van even if it does scream "Soccer Mom".

4. Chocolate or vanilla? In my opinion, there is never a time when vanilla is better than chocolate.

5. Favorite movie(s): Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Penny Serenade (ah, Cary Grant *sigh*), 10 Things I Hate About You, Steel Magnolias, Much Ado About Nothing (the one with Denzel, Keanu and Emma - it rocks)

6. Ever been so in love you've cried? Oh goodness...if you haven't you're not human.

7. Favorite fast food restaurant: Sonic

8. Favorite non-fast food restaurant: IHOP or Jim Bob's steak and ribs

9. What's under your bed right now? The extra slat to the vertical blinds, a couple of rubbermaid boxes full of stuff from when I was a kid, a pacifier that Kady doesn't know about and I'm not going to tell her and TONS of dust.

10. Favorite drink: Coffee, especially mocha lattes chased by 2 chocolate covered coffee beans. That'll get ya goin' for sure.

11. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? I'd build some obnoxiously enormous house way out in the freakin' woods, separated from society for the most part, but still within an hour's drive from a WalMart.

12. Last CD you bought: Trace Adkins - Comin' on Strong

13. What makes you really angry? People who condescend and have absolutely no right in doing it. And being in a situation I can't have some control of. I get so frustrated when I'm helpless.

14. Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what and where? I have a ladybug over my left breast, Tinkerbell on my back and a yellow rose on my left foot. My next one will hopefully be making its appearance in the next month or two.

15. What's your favorite children's book? The Kissing Hand and anything by Max Lucado.

There...that oughta keep you busy awhile!

The Diva has spoken at 11:53 AM CDT
Updated: Sunday, August 22, 2004 8:40 PM CDT
Stayin' alive...sort of
Mood:  silly
I look like I've been on a 4-day bender or something. My eyes look awful! They've looked this way since Friday, so I guess I should just get used to it. Most people have allergy problems in the spring when things start blooming and such. Oh no, not my family and me. We get sick as dogs in the fall. (How sick do dogs get anyway?) All 3 kids are much worse in the fall and have been this way since they were infants. This will be our first fall/winter without tonsils and with tubes in Abby and Sam's ear, so I'm hoping we have NO ear infections. We better not anyway. But I have a feeling we're not going to experience an improvement in Miss Kady. She started doing that dry nighttime cough last night and woke up this morning all rattly. I would just about wager that by tonight she'll be wheezing and we'll have to break out the inhalers. Asthma sucks.

Abby asked me yesterday if I lived in the "olden days". I said, "Well, now that just depends on your idea of what 'olden' is." She pondered a moment and finally said, " the 70's." WHA??? I pressed my lips together and through gritted teeth said, "WELL, for your information I was born in '73." She sat straight up and said, "COOL! So you know all about disco!?"

Speaking of old...Paul hurt his back yesterday at work. (snicker) He's hurt it at work before, but last time he failed to fill out an incident report. Thankfully his manager was standing right behind him when he did it this time. She filled one out, stating she witnessed what happened. He shouldn't have gone to work today and he's probably going to screw himself up pretty bad, but...ya know, he's 41 and I'm obviously not the boss of him. I suggested he just work the counter today, but he said that's boring. Well, hmm...I bet that recuperating after back surgery would get mighty boring as well. Grr...that man. Not sure why he keeps me around because it's sure as heck not for conversational purposes and not because he values my opinion. Must be the sex. Oh yeah, he doesn't get that from me either. Ha! Just kidding. (Okay, no I'm not.)

We watched Ron White's DVD last night. They call him Tater Salad , you know. Omg, it was hilarious. Bub and I were both nearly hystericaly at one point, both of us bent over,red-faced, trying to catch our breath. I highly recommend watching all four of the Blue Collar guys: Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy on Blue Collar Comedy Tour . It's a great way to give your ribs a workout, cry off your makeup and wake up your family when you snort while you laugh. Yes, I've done that one while watching it, lol. We watched Larry the Cable Guy last weekend and I laughed just as hard at his stuff as I did last night at Ron White's. It's a toss up as to who's funnier, in my opinon. Then again, I'm just a simple redneck... A person with a little more sophistication might not find them near as entertaining.

*Strikes a disco pose as she hits the post button*

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 AM CDT
Friday, August 20, 2004
One of them days...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss - Whiskey Lullaby
I should've known how the day was going to pan out when Sam woke me up this morning.

I've mentioned the trouble my eyes have been giving me, allergies and all, and they were really bad this morning. I could hardly see, they were so blurry and itchy. Well, he came in and woke me up with his famous stage-whisper and says, "Mom. Mom! Mom, wake up. I've got a tick on me!" Wha? I started rubbing my eyes trying to get them to focus, or at least attempt it at some point. No such luck. I could tell he was doing his best to not freak out and I was trying to clear my eyes up the best I could. Finally I said, "Just go back to the bathroom and I'll follow you", praying that either my eyesight would be restored in the walk to the other end of the house, or that he could pull the stupid tick off himself. Well, neither happened. I walked in the bathroom, blinded the rest of the way by the glaring light and shield them with my hands, blinking and rubbing with everything I had. I finally managed to open them somewhat and the first thing I see is my son with his underwear down around his knees, pinching his penis and wearing one of the weirdest expressions I've ever seen. If I hadn't known that he would just melt into tears if I laughed, trust me...I've have been in the floor rolling. Instead I bit my lip and tried to reassure him best I could. Penises are really not my expertise, having never owned one of my very own, ya know. At least with the girls I have some idea of the limits and boundaries, etc. Well, I managed to get the tick removed, even when Sam's grimaces, gasps and flinches tempted me to laugh once more, flushed the tick and the day continued...

This evening Paul managed to wander into a mess of ticks, himself. So what do I find myself doing at the end of the day? Well, fortunately it did not involve actually pulling a tick off of him, but I had to inspect him. Agh, that was a treat. Husband with jeans around knees, telling me he feels like there's one here and here and possibly here...I wasn't near as reassuring and compassionate as I was with Sam.

When I told him that Sam had had one on his penis this morning he did the typical Guy Brotherhood groan and crotch grab. You know've seen 'em all do it and if you're male you've done it yourself. They place one hand, sometimes two, over the crotch area, almost imperceptibly bend the knees, knit their eyebrows together and do this almost Homer Simpson-ish "D'oh!" thing. I seriously wonder if they realize they do it. I think it is something that is etched on their DNA and has been there since some cave dude grunted out "Ugh, watch Crog milk great hairy mammoth". Minutes later he finds himself with a mammoth tusk sticking out of his groin and the entire male population of the tribe grabs at their collective crotches.

D'oh. Ugh.

The Diva has spoken at 10:53 PM CDT
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Be vewy vewy quiet...
The other day the kids were involved in a serious game of detective and Abby told me that they were "inspectigating". I was listening with a smile at their dialogue about the clues they had found and what in the world those clues were going to lead them to. All of the sudden I heard Abby exclaim, "OH MY GOSH!! It's a MAP!! A Map! We found a MAP!" Well, imagine how excited the other two got at her proclamation. Talk about some serious cheering. In the midst of all the excitement, Abby handed this map off to her little brother and said, "Here! You read it!" He obviously accepted the invitation, I mean who wouldn't, right? Then he got quiet and said, "Wait a minute - are we pretending?" Abby told him that, indeed, they were pretending. He sighed and with a sense of obvious relief said, "Oh good! 'Cuz I can't read."

The Diva has spoken at 8:42 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, August 19, 2004 8:45 PM CDT
Bing, Bing, Dingka Dingka Dong (or something to that effect)
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Rain and the kids giggling over something mischievous
The title is some jacked up words to some retarded song on LazyTown, NickJr's newest kid-captivating show. Actually I kind of like the show, even if the characters do give me the creeps. The whole gist of the show is about this super hero (Sportacus, lol) and this little girl who try to get the kids in LazyTown to stop playing video games and eating sweets and to get outside and play games. Whoo hoo. It motivated me so much I used up a stupid point on two really old, nasty-tasting Tootsie Roll Midgees. Just for some chocolate. Bleh.

I have accomplished nothing in the last two days. Whose fault is this? Bloggers, that's who. I have sat on my arse, in my pj's, (but only half the day) reading other people's blogs and occasionally reading a book to the kids because the guilt overwhelms me. Then when they're playing really good again, I'm back out here reading. They're napping, I'm reading. Laundry? Heck, no...who wants to do laundry when you can read about another Diva in another part of the US who just got new boobs? Who wants to mop the kitchen floor when you can read hilariously humorous job stories by your favorite bureaucrat? Dusting is so underwhelming when you've just read about this poor woman who's soon to be ex-husband tried to choke her one night because he found some emails...

Oh, someone please send an intervention my way!!!!!!!

I knew it was bad and I was really ashamed today when I was still in my pj's, fixing the kids lunch and the phone rang. It was Sam's teacher. His poor little mouth was hurting and he needed some Motrin. (The dentist adjusted his appliance yesterday and I sent a note to this morning saying it might end up hurting before the day was over.) So I had to actually get dressed to take medicine to my child at school. How awful is this???? Paul being on vacation this week has really thrown my schedule off-whack in the worst way. Next week is my early week for babysitting and I always get up at 5:30 on those days because she brings him at 6:15. That will help at least get me up and as for the blogging... nothing is going to help except possibly shock therapy, a 12-step program and maybe the termination of my electricity.

The Diva has spoken at 3:48 PM CDT
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Cramps, cramps, and more cramps
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: More of the chirping and croaking and such
Ooooookay, obviously I'm going to have to have some help posting a FREAKING PICTURE on here. I've tried twice and both times I get the adorable little box with the cute x in it. Bullcrap. If it says my photo has been uploaded and all that should it NOT be on the stupid page?? Huh? Should it not??? Answer me THAT!

Started my period, can you tell?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr she says as she has the urge to kick something. Something cute and fuzzy. Or better yet, how about something in the husband department??? Ooh yeah, like that one better than kicking something cute and fuzzy any ol' day.

The Diva has spoken at 11:28 PM CDT
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Gooey ankles
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Alan Jackson - Remember When (what a precious song)
I'm eating my last 2 points allowable as I type. Nothing says "I'm a compulsive overeater" than wolfing down a snack-size bag of BBQ chips (which I hate) and a Special K bar simply because I was tired and frustrated at the kids and now I feel bad about it. I need a meeting or something...geez.

We went to the Fair tonight again. This time the blessed animals were there, much to my chagrin. Of course, what was I to expect, it is the Fair after all. Walking through the oh-so-aromatic Swine, Sheep and Dairy exhibits makes me ever so glad that my children are too young for that crap and have no desire to do it anyway. They could've done bucket or bottle calves this year, but I just flat-out refused the one time it was mentioned. Mainly because who do you think would end up feeding the sucker? Good ol' Momma, that's who. Well, this momma has better things to do, like blog, for instance.

I wore capris and flip flops to the Fair. Who has officially become a city-girl wuss???? I used to get all dressed up in my tight-fittin' Rockies and boots, complete with big ol' belt buckle to walk around that hot-ass place. (That was a hundred pounds and what seems like 4 lifetimes ago, too) Usually the temps are over 100 during the Fair. This year it was only a measly 90. Freakin' cold snap, I'm tellin' ya. But anyway, back to the first thought in this paragraph, the flip flops and capris. I now have the oogiest feeling feet in the universe! The kids kept kicking the shavings they line the pens with up onto my feet, I stepped in God knows how much poo-diddle from various breeds and species, it was dusty and in the Dairy barn they had water fans blowing which makes your entire body just damp enough to attract every particle of dust in the area. Not to mention what it does to naturally curly hair. I have this insane fear that I am going to run into an ex boyfriend and look all damp and curly, chasing my 3 snow-cone syrup covered children around in my damn flip flops. I mean, when I see an ex boyfriend I at least want to look a little less like the white trash than I really am...who wouldn't? Of course, I always see one particular ex at WalMart while I'm yelling at the kids, swatting rear-ends, threatening to take away birthdays for the rest of their lives and he just laaaaaaaaaughs. Wonder why he's an ex...hmmm let's ponder that one awhile. Nah, let's not. And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump:"And that's all I have to say about that."

Man, I started out talking about yucky feeling feet and digressed to an ex-boyfriend.

I need more BBQ chips. Bleh, no I don't. Darn. We're out anyway. :P

The Diva has spoken at 9:43 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 9:48 PM CDT
Monday, August 16, 2004
Monday, Monday
Now Playing: A WWE interview with the Diva hopefuls...whatever...
First day on Weight Watchers. At 6pm I wrote down my points for dinner and totaled them for the day. If I were to eat only my minimum points I still had 11 to go before bed. 16 if I wanted to max out and not bank any points. I called my sister, who is the WW Queen, and she said she was a bit overcautious when she started, too. Then told me to get eatin' because I had to at least eat my minimum. Never in my life did I feel such pressure to eat! I wasn't hungry! I had just a had a big ol' salad and even had dressing that wasn't Lite for Fat Free. My stomach only growled once today. I was pretty durn proud of my eating for the day.

Of course, not so proud of the ice cream I wolfed down super quick to use up those damned points. Still working on wise diet choices, obviously,lol. I was still within my points, though, so it wasn't like I blew it at day's end. It just wasn't the healthiest of ways to use up 14 points.

The County Fair started tonight. So begins another week of wearing my campaign shirt every time I walk out of the house again. Election day is next Tuesday so the Fair is our last time to see lots of people and bring in those undecideds. There wasn't much going on at the fairgrounds tonight, so we bugged out kinda early and went to get ice cream (whoo hoo!) and this precious little old lady came over and started talking to us, noting we were obviously campaigning, telling us she'd just been to the Masonic Hall and they were all voting for my uncle and all of her Bridge-playing friends were, and well, she voted for him last time so she might as well this time. It was cute. She said she'd heard nothing but nice about him and she couldn't think of a better way to vote. I told her I appreciated that and had to quell the urge to hug that precious woman! I'm a softie when it comes to the elderly. The movie, Cocoon, nearly gave me a stroke, I cried so hard. Just one of my quirks.

Well, the kids have been in bed since 8 and this new bedtime for them makes my bedtime earlier as well. They're usually in bed by 7:30 and by 9 I'm yawning and looking for my pj's. You can forget about me lasting through the 10:00 news, too. I can make it to the weather sometimes, but I never see the end. So much for the forecast.

Husband's on vacation this week... have I mentioned how annoying that gets?????

The Diva has spoken at 9:25 PM CDT
Sunday, August 15, 2004

Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Trace Adkins - Rough and Ready
Well, the Mystery Tour Friday night wasn't quite everything I wanted it to be, but it was fun regardless. For one thing, they had entirely too much of it staged and cued this time. Kinda ruined it for those of us who wanted a good authentic scare. Tif, however, got her $10 worth and kind felt like she needed to pay them extra because she was scared beyond belief. She didn't sleep a wink that night, bless her heart. It started at 10 and we left the theatre at 1:15. It was much longer than any other tour we've taken before, but normally there aren't more than 10 in a tour. This time there were 30. It took a lot longer to get to different parts of the building waiting on all of us to get settled and such. There were some really spooky things that happened that I truly believe were real, but like I said, too many things were too cued. Such as, "Sometimes when it's quiet you can hear the faint sounds of an orchestra from long ago..." *cue the violins* And then from the stage...the sound of a violin. And not even a good one at that. I'd like to think that anyone performing at the theatre would've sounded better than a cat in a washing machine. But then again, I guess when you've been dead for 60 some years you might be a little rusty the first time you cross over and pick up the fiddle again.

Last night we went to Tulsa to the Talons game. Second round of the play-offs and naturally, they won. Goooooo Talons! Arena football just entertains me to no end. It's so much more action packed than regular football and definitely more violent. Not that violence entertains me...okay, so yes it does. I do love WWE, remember?

After the game we went to a big ol' country bar where my sister became really good friends, very quickly, with Mr. Tom Collins. Sadly, the relationship was over just about the time we hit the interstate, bless her heart, and had to pull over to let him out of the car to find his own Buick. The fact that she claimed repeatedly "I never get sick when I drink" was what jinxed her. She even made the typical drunk's oath: "I am NEVER drinking again!" We all laughed, having been there ourselves. She solemnly swears she will forever be the DD, partaking only of Diet Coke for the rest of her life. Shalom, she has spoken. Whatever.

I am always amused by people in bars. Take 1500 horny cowboys/cowgirls/rednecks, place in enormous building with two bars and one giant dance floor, mix in a smidge of bad country band, copious amounts of liquor and generous amounts of hormones. Blend well. The results:
^Girls squishing themselves into outfits that have no business whatsoever being on their squishable bodies.
^Men trying to unsquish aforementioned girls from their clothing, sometimes on the dance floor, sometimes leaning against the bar (the latter of which we witnessed last night *shudder*).
^Attached couples doing their dead level best to piss each other off and/or make each other jealous.
^People showing off tattoos and piercings that should have never been done in the first place.
^Lots of boobies. Most of them less than half-way covered and several of them threatening to tumble all the way out the first good sneeze that comes along.
^Guys competing for the coveted "Alpha Male" position in the Pool Table Jungle.
^Girls giving other girls looks that could be skated on, have been known to cut glass and might possibly even be used as the jaws of life in certain situations.
^Really bad dancers (My cousin and I would know nothing about that, btw)
^People putting their tongues in places that honestly a tongue should never go, especially in public.
^Conversations that border on disgusting and the filing of felony charges.
^Entirely too many middle-aged women who look like they've been rode hard and put up wet. Many, many, many times...over and over and over again.

I could SO go on further, but that was just a small sampling of what we experienced. Of course, I'm sure someone else today is blogging about the pathetic looking table of oh-so-obviously married people in the corner, giggling every time the blonde dumped her ice in everyone's lap, watching two of them attempt the Cha-Cha Slide and fail miserably, the two guys watch ESPN on the overhead TV until their eyes would start drooping, the fat chick trip over her flip flops repeatedly, the newly-turned 21 year old shake her thang like a thang was SO obviously meant to be shaken... but I would have no earthly idea who would blog about those poor folks anyway...

The Diva has spoken at 10:41 PM CDT
Friday, August 13, 2004
Black cats, ghoulies, ghosties and possibly even toenail fungus
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Birds chirping merrily outside my bedroom window - Dang, I feel like Snow White or something
Oohhh Friday the 13th, woooooooooo...spooky day....wooooooo....the unsettled spirits are walking abouts.....woooooo...okay, enough of that crap. Big freakin' deal, it's a Friday and it's the 13th. I ain't buyin' it.

But, I am partaking in some spooky haunted festivities tonight, so I guess maybe I buy it a little. Nah, I really don't, but this is the only time they're giving this tour until October. The town we live in has this beautiful old theatre that was built back in 19somewheresprettyold and it's in the process of a million-some dollar restoration. Well, I've been going to the Coleman Theatre Beautiful since I was a child, used to watch Pink Panther cartoons there and even saw Bambi for the first time there. We've done Little Theatre there, gone for opera events, movies, talent shows and anything else you can use an old theatre for. It's on the National Historical Registry (or whatever it's called) and is right on Route 66, so it gets lots of publicity. It's haunted, as well.

Two years ago in October they opened it up on Friday and Saturday nights for Mystery Tours. You pay your $10 (used to be $5 till it got popular, lol) and spend an hour and a half to two hours in the locked theatre getting the piss scared out of yourself. Good times, lemme tell ya. It's not like a spook house where the headless dude comes out of nowhere with the chainless chainsaw and there is no part of the tour where you have to crawl through cold spaghetti and feel peeled grapes. This is legit, people. I went 4 times the first year it was opened up like this and the tour was different every time. Now granted, I do believe the tour guide does a few things for theatrical purposes, but I do believe there are spirits and energies there that are not of this time or world. We've smelled the cologne of the old theatre manager, heard "Abigail's" skirts rustling through the balcony, felt cold spots and last year Sis even felt Abigail touching her hair, trying to calm her down when she had a full-blown panic attack. Last year in the balcony as well, we could hear the noise of a crowd from long ago. It was very faint, but it was the murmur you hear before a performance begins, quiet talking,etc. The first 4 times I went it was eerie, spooky and entertaining but at no time did I ever feel threatened or really frightened. Last year I went on the tour one time and left before it was over. Whatever was in the theatre with us that night did not want us there and wasn't happy we weren't leaving. I felt like I should oblige since he/she/it was so adamant, so I sat in the van through the rest of the tour. Sue me.

But I'm going again tonight to see just how scared I can get again. Sure to be a treat! I'll write about it over the weekend, you can bet on that, lol.

Btw, if you type in you are going to be directly linked to a XXX site. Of course, you are going to do it now, lol, but I thought I'd give you fair warning. There isn't a good official site for the theater anymore, but a Google search will turn up some articles on it.

The Diva has spoken at 3:56 PM CDT
Thursday, August 12, 2004
First Day of School!
I officially have a 2nd grader and a Kindergartener. *sigh*

The morning went off without a hitch, although the wait for the bus was a rather chilly one. I think it was about 50 degrees this morning and I haven't gotten out the windbreakers and jackets just yet. Brr! We weren't quite sure when the bus would come, so we walked down there about 6:45. Last year PsychoDriverFromHell would show up anywhere from 6:55 to 7:15 and if you weren't ready, pissonya and you missed it. She drove like 55 on the dirt roads and got the kids to the school earlier than they were supposed to, allowing more mischief to occur than should've. I just automatically prayed every morning that the kids would arrive safely. So we now have a really jolly looking older fella driving for us and he seems just about as grandfatherly as you can get. The kids love him already. Several parents had complained about the earliness of the bus, so it has been moved back and doesn't get to our house till 7:20. That allows my kids to sleep past 6:30, bless their hearts. Of course, Sam gets up, pees, puts on his clothes, brushes his teeth and he's ready for school. Abby requires a tad more preparation seeing as how she takes after her mother, lol. We have to foo-foo the hair at least 5 times, curl it, fluff it and whatever else may be necessary. Then of course there are the two sets of earrings to be installed into the earlobes, the body glitter to adorn the arms and chest, the body spray to just make her obnoxiously odorous and usually I find her, at least once, just standing in front of the mirror gazing at herself. I'm so glad Kady's going to be a biker chick.

Speaking of Kady...gotta do the Mommy thing and relate a Kady-ism from this morning. She cried when Bubby and Sissy got on the bus, which I was expecting, so on our walk back up the driveway I was trying to distract her with conversation about the upcoming day's events. Plus talking to her kept my mind off how durn cold my toes were in my flip flops and it kept Kady's teeth from chattering, too. It was foggy as all get out and from the end of the driveway you could not see the house. We had made it about halfway to the house when it finally came back into view, although just barely. Kady looked up, stopped in her tracks and threw her little arms up and said, "OHHH NOOOOOO!" I looked around thinking snake, turtle, mouse, lion, tiger, bear, whatever. I realized where she was looking, which was directly at the house. She dropped her arms and very emphatically said, "Oh Momma, my house is melting!!!"

The Diva has spoken at 9:44 PM CDT
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Stupid mood thing won't let me put in "pissed at the universe" .... rassin' frassin'....
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Big n Rich - Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy
My first thought was actually to write this entire blog in caps because that's just how crappy I feel today. Like I just want to yell at everyone. I'm having a serious pity party or something.

Oh yeah, today's Tif's 21st birthday so

Okay, that out of my system I can go back to being sullen and cranky.

I forgot to write about my adventure at the clinic on Monday. This one is sure to captivate. Okay, first of all the reason I even decided to swallow any pride and clear my afternoon schedule to sit at that durn clinic was because my allergies are just about to kill me. Secondly, I am decided that I am now ready to lose some of this damn weight.

I have in recent years come to revel in my queen-size figure and my self esteem has skyrocketed, realizing (finally!) that I am sexy and attractive in my own right and if nothing else, my husband loves my curves. But just in the last few months I have become a slug - a hateful, lazy, tired-all-the-time cow and I hate that. I have 3 kids who I would like to watch grow up and the road I'm taking is sending me to a miserable existence on blood pressure and cholesterol lowering medications and no energy to watch ballgames and anything else. I don't want to be that kind of mom!!! SOOOOO...I thought I'd see if they would prescribe me some of those magic weight-loss, appetite reducing pills. Ha! That was a silly thought on my part. It's the Indian clinic, hello! As the hateful doctor told me: "We don't DO diet pills here." Okay, want me to smoke some peyote or what? Native Americans are at such a high risk for diabetes and heart disease, you'd think they'd be a little more aggressive in weight loss approaches. But no. He did offer to let me visit with the dietician. Nah. All they are going to do it put me on a 600 calorie a day, salt restricted, no fat, no flavor diet that there is no way I'd stick to. Well when I went in I had already decided to start Weight Watchers again, I just thought the diet pills would give me a boost or something. *sigh* Weight Watchers is still the plan, just sans drugs. So while he's looking over my chart and I'm sitting there in the incredibly uncomfortable silence he hatefully tells me that my blood pressure is high. Hmm... your attitude and the stress of the clinic itself doesn't have a thing to do with that, Mr Dr-man...nah. I told him that I wasn't having symptoms of high blood pressure (I had a little bout with it about 5 years ago when my marriage was heading towards the creek without that proverbial paddle) and his all-too-quick response was, "Of course you don't have any symptoms. You never do till you fall over dead of a stroke." I'm betting he never gets friendliest employee there at IHS.

So after another uncomfortable 5 minutes of him judging me, he says he's sending me for an EKG, chest x-ray and labwork. At that point I was glad for two reasons: Glad that he was almost done with me and getting ready to go harass someone other unsuspecting soul. And also glad that I was at the indian clinic because all the crap he just ordered would've cost upwards of $2000 at a regular doctor's office.

He tells me to take my top off and he'll send in someone to do the EKG. Enter Nurse Ratchet. "Lie back and relax" she says as she jerks out the little foot rest at the end of the table. The sound of that alone send my blood pressure up another 20 points. So she then throws open my paper gown, exposing my entire chest. Okay, I'm not a real modest person, but come on, let's give a person a little shred of dignity. She goes to sticking little circles all over my chest and stomach. I was just focusing on a little dot in the ceiling overhead. Then she grabs 12 wires with aligator clips on the ends. Maybe it was an insane thought, but I just worried for the safety of my nipples at that point. No kidding! She was clipping those suckers on those paper circles quick as you please and I was certain that one was going to end up on the end of a nipple and then I was going to punch her square in the nose. Fortunately she hit her targets all 12 times and it was over in about a minute after it started. I was feeling pretty violated and was actually looking forward to the labwork and just wanted to put my bra back on. I was not happy with the whole way things were shaping up at that point. Okay, so on to x-ray where this kid who was not a day over 13 (Okay, so I exaggerate) tells me the machine is down and can I come back. Do I have a choice, geez. Then he tells me that Tuesday it'll still be broken, Wednesday they'll install new parts, Thursday will be regular scheduled maintenance so Friday will be the earliest they can do it. Fiiiiiiiiine. He then tells me to go back to Waiting and someone will call me to Lab. I get to Waiting, no sooner settle my rump in the chair than they call me to Lab. It's the same kid who just walked around the corner, picked up a different phone and paged me to Lab. AGHHHHHHHHH He tells me that it's a fasting test and asks when can I come back. I say "Tomorrow would be fine." Come on, here's the interactive part of today's blog, guess what his reply was.... go ahead guess.... Yep, they can't do it then. I suggested Thursday. Nope. I was really frustrated when, through gritted teeth, I said "What - about - Friday?" Bingo! Then it was back to Waiting at 5 minutes till 4. One hour in the clinic at this point. Which, I really shouldn't complain, because it used to be on a walk-in basis only and you just counted on a 4 hour minimum wait any time you walked through the doors. I settled into a chair, wishing I had brought a book....played a game of Snake on my cell phone till the battery started beeping....counted the ceiling tiles....watched a fly crawl all over the sign to the Pharmacy....mentally compiled a list of Christmas presents for the kids.... and Praise the Lord at 4:25 they called me to the Pharmacy to pick up my little bottle of steroid nose spray - which, by the way, gives me such a vicious immediate headache that I'm sure it's giving me a tumor.

I just can't be happy, can I?

The Diva has spoken at 11:19 AM CDT
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
The countdown continues
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Casting Crowns - The Voice of Truth
I took my kiddos to the school today to pick up school supplies. We are so blessed to be Native American because that means FREE SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! Gotta love it. Last year, before I realized we actually got these tasty morsels of free school supply goodness, I went out and bought all of Ab's stuff at the friendly neighborhood WalMart. Even with our 10% associate discount it was $35+. Geez, that was a big pinch in the checkbook for this poor indian woman - how do poor white people afford it? Last year she had to have 8 glue sticks. (Guess they glue a lot in first grade. Still not sure about that one.) The stinkin' glue sticks were a buck a piece so that equals out to .... aw heck if you can't figure that up you need help, lol. This year I think she has to have 6. Still lots of gluing going on in that elementary school.

Ab has been so apprehensive about starting 2nd grade, bless her heart. The poor child is so painfully shy and just worries about everything, so I kind of expected it. She has made such amazing progress since she was 4, but she still has trouble with some new social situations. She does not get this trait from me because I am, after all, a Diva in my own right, so it's very hard for me to fathom this debilitating shyness. To me a new social situation is just a chance to shine, lol. To her it's a chance to perspire and wish for the nearest hole in which to crawl. I knew she'd meet her teacher during Open House tomorrow night, but I wanted to wrangle a more personal meeting and God heard my prayers today. We were headed toward the room where the school supplies are kept under armed security (just kidding - I mean, school supplies are expensive but not enough to warrant a militant overthrow or anything) when the other 2nd grade teacher popped out into the hall. We were visiting with her awhile, our families having known each other since our families began, and lo and behold Ab's teacher joined us in the hall. Fortunately one of Sam's little friends was there in her mom's classroom and they ran off to annoy that poor woman, so I could kind of prod Ab into talking to her teacher. She found her desk and she's sitting by her buddy,McKenzie, so that in and of itself makes 2nd grade worthwhile in her mind. The reading book they are starting out in she has already completed because she at least got her reading skills from her mother (and yes I'm bragging) and she was so relieved to know that 2nd grade is going to be something she can actually do. It's one of those things I've been telling her for weeks now, that she is capable of succeeding, capable of learning and not being overwhelmed, but I guess seeing the book with her own eyes was what she needed to assure herself. Works for me.

Sam has no qualms whatsoever about starting Kindergarten. This is the vast difference between my two oldest children. Abby kind of hangs back and observes. Sam jumps in, bringing attention to himself, drawing the quieter kids into play, completely comfortable in virtually every situation. I always worry that Abby will be too quiet and won't be recognized. I worry that Sam will just talk the teacher to death, lol.

Sam is having a banner day today anyway. At lunch today he was just chowing along and got this strange look on his face, a mixture of pain and "what the heck?". I thought he'd bitten his tongue, but usually he yells like his leg has been ripped off when he does that. I asked him what was up and he replied, "I bit my tooth." Wasn't sure I quite understood that, so first I had him rinse his mouth because I really wasn't interested in getting a close-up view of a mostly-chewed pb&j sandwich. Then upon inspection realized that he has a very loose tooth. Upon even further inspection we discovered he actually has two very loose teeth. They're so wiggly I bet they don't see the second week of school. Of course, he has shown everyone we've seen today his loose teeth, walking around with his finger stuck in his face, wiggling like a madman.

It's good to be the mom. How can life get any better than getting to experience such little miracles and joys and laughs? I get tired, I get frustrated, I feel inept and I sometimes cry at how inadequate I feel, but gosh...this is what I was put on this earth for. What a purposeful life. Makes me feel pretty durn signifigant in the grand scheme of things.

The Diva has spoken at 5:40 PM CDT
Monday, August 9, 2004
Countdown to school
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Rugrats playing in on the living room TV
Agh, what a weekend. I'd rather not even have weekends if they aren't going to be halfway enjoyable. I won't go into the details (to protect the innocent, lol), but the husband and I fought fiercely all durn weekend. Sunday was a horrible day, I cried most of it. But Sunday night I got an apology from him, which I deserved, because he really had been a big butthead. The apology was a surprise because I can honestly count on one hand the times, in our 11 1/2 year marriage, that he has apologized to me. Does that say something bad about him? Or me? *shrugs* Either way, I got the apology.

Today I got four new ceiling fans installed in my house!! This may not seem like a big deal to most because hey, they're ceiling fans after all. But we are cooling a nearly 2000 sq ft house with one window air conditioner. Surprisingly it does a really good job of keeping things tolerable, but Lord have mercy, the utility bills are obscene. My mother in law bought all the kids stand fans the year we moved in, to try to circulate some air around back there, since their rooms are around a corner and down the hall from where the AC is, but they just don't quite do it all the way. Plus they're bulky and take up a lot of room and I have this constant fear one is going to get knocked over and someone's going to either be scalped when her long curls get tangled in the blades or someone's going to lose a finger. But now we have fans safely installed on the ceiling, so the only one I worry about getting mangled by one is my son, who sometimes thinks he is Super Man. I mean, what 5 year old boy doesn't? He will jump from ungodly heights wearing only his Spongebob underwear with his choo-choo blanket tied around his neck. Oh to be 5 again... Of course, I had Wonder Woman Underoos back when I was 5 and I wasn't jumping off of things because, well, that was just dangerous and I might bleed and that would be messy and oh so uncomfortable, plus I hated that sticky outline bandaids left. Need I reiterate the whole "girls are so much more high-maintenance than guys" statement...???

The Diva has spoken at 1:01 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 10, 2004 5:08 PM CDT
Friday, August 6, 2004
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: "Hey Arnold" playing on the living room TV
I'm in a very obnoxious mood this morning. That means that the checkers at WalMart and the 16 year olds with McJobs who are pouty about having to go back to school in a week had better BE NICE. I'm in just the right frame of mind to waylay someone.

Oh yesterday was SUCH a wonderful day! I was surrounded by a house full of children all day and it was heaven. A noisy heaven, but still heaven. I sent the big kids outside when the little ones took a nap, giving me some quiet time. That was all I needed to recharge and then I was ready to go again. All 8 kids and I were outside, the weather was, it was just one of those days where you feel like you're doing something right in the grand scheme of things.

The boys had their light sabres and were battling some unknown evil lurking in my side yard, the two little ones were climbing all over the big toy (my two year old has no fear, btw, which means she'll either be a gymnast, biker chick or the president one of these days), one girl was playing with the dog, one was playing in the chat and one was swinging. It's not the first time, but man did I notice the difference between the boys and the girls. It wasn't evident in the little ones because they all pretty much play the same at that age with only few differences. But the bigger kids, there is definitely a gender line drawn in indelible ink. The boys form a team, an alliance, to play together, feed off each other, and truthfully there are few arguments between them in group play. They are more inclined to just go with the flow, the characters changing from time to time, the evil they are fighting can go from dark jedi dude to an indian in the canyons to a bad guy runnin' from the cops and the boys don't care, they just want to be the hero no matter what. Girls....oh girls....we are so much higher maintenance as a whole, aren't we? The girls all want to maintain control of the hierarchy, they all want to be the mommy when they play family, they all want to cook, they all want to be the diva on stage and how dare anyone try to share the limelight. If you do, oh sister, you better be ready for a fight. The principle is the same: Girls and boys alike want to be the hero/heroine, but boys are a little more flexible in how they attain that. Girls aren't. Period. We all took a walk down the driveway (1/10 mile) and the boys were running and riding the bikes ahead of everyone, racing, skidding the tires in the rocks, yelling, chasing the dog and just generally enjoying the freedom of movement. The girls were picking flowers, holding my hand, handing me flower after flower, putting flowers in my hair/their hair, looking at the birds, giggling when they saw a rabbit run across the field and just generally enjoying the beauty of the moment. It's the same in adults as well. When Paul and I walk, he's there for the sole purpose of getting to where we are going. His stride is long, his steps very fast, he looks straight ahead and doesn't talk. I, however, (and being a short-legged 5'2" doesn't help) walk very slowly, my stride being obviously very short, my steps fast only because it takes 2 of mine to equal one of his. I look from side to side, enjoying the scenery, commenting on things I see, trying to drag conversation out of him. It's just funny, the difference between men and women, because it starts when we are mere children.

Well, I gotta run. I had no intention of writing so much today! I'm playing maid today and doing my weekly house cleaning job. period's late and I'm going to take a pregnancy test while I'm in town. Pray, folks. Not sure how I want you to pray, but just do. :)

The Diva has spoken at 10:12 AM CDT
Thursday, August 5, 2004

My first night working at the baseball field concession stand this summer I told my husband that the kids could stay up till I got home. It was 9:00 before I got in and they were glad to see me. I was greeted by 3 smiling, yelling kids, who enveloped me around the knees and waist with hugs. I reciprocated, of course; who could resist that? Then I sent them all back to brush teeth and get ready for bed. Sam, our 5 year old, turned to walk down the hall then came running back and barreled into me, hugging me tight. He said, "MMMMMM, smell so good!" I kind of mentally preened for a minute, knowing that scent is a very strong sense and there are things to this day that when I catch a whiff of them, memories come rushing back. I was lost in the split-second reverie of creating a sweet "mommy memory" for my son until I heard the rest of his comment:"You smell like popcorn!!"

The Diva has spoken at 1:22 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, August 5, 2004 1:24 PM CDT

Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: The sound of one hand clapping
Well, it's 8:40am and I figured that since things were going well at this point I'd jump on and blog for a few minutes. I'm sure you're thankful and are now satisfied that your day will proceed as normal. Well, all I can say is you are welcome. ;)

Man, I was not wanting to get UP this morning! That sleep was just too good. I stayed up till after 11:30 because I was watching A-Z: Sixteen Candles on VH-1. This morning I realize that was incredibly stupid, see as how if I stop typing my eyes actually close. I forced myself to get up and make pancakes first thing, started laundry, put on my makeup...basically doing everything in my power to stay moving and awake. I'm sitting now and typing with my eyes closed, lol. You think I'm kidding? Nope, typing away with my eyes blissfully closed. :D

The Diva has spoken at 8:45 AM CDT
Wednesday, August 4, 2004
Slumber party
Mood:  special
Now Playing: The sound of children sleeping and my husband channel surfing
Well, I think I may have bumped myself back up into the running for Mom of the Year. Or at least Aunt Kiki of the Year. I spent 45 minutes building the biggest living room tent made entirely of sheets that I've ever made in my life. I sometimes wonder if architect wasn't my calling. I mean, doesn't it mean I have talent when I can take 4 twin sheets and a stapler and create something that makes 5 children so happy they literally dance? I took pics and if I have a chance tomorrow I'll try to post them on here. (If someone has mastered this, gimme a buzz and enlighten me - I haven't been able to actually get one to show up yet. And no, I'm not a retarded monkey.)

One of my best friends called this evening to see if I could watch her two kids tomorrow while she works on her classroom, getting it ready for school. This means that I will have in my home:
one 9 year old boy
one 7 year old girl
one 6 year old girl
one 5 year old girl
one 5 year old boy
one 4 year old boy
one 2 year old girl
one 2 year old boy

If it wasn't so hot we'd play outside, but the heat index today was 103, so I'm not betting we do much outside time. And we only have a wading pool that measures mayyyyyybe 4 feet across, if that. No way in heck can 8 kids play in that without injury. I don't know how long the tent will last with that many kids, either. It should be an interesting day, to say the least!

Yeah, I'm thinking I may not be online much tomorrow, what do you think?

The Diva has spoken at 10:37 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, August 4, 2004 10:39 PM CDT
Mood:  down
This one truly will be short, folks, so write it down in the books that there actually was a day I wasn't long-winded.

I'm depressed as hell this morning. I have another FREAKING eye infection, I need $1000 in a bad way, I have PMS, it's raining, my throat hurts, a stupid bill collector called my husband at work this morning and of course in the grand scheme of things it's all my damn fault and aw screw it, why ramble on. I'm logging off and shutting down the computer for the day. I think I'll pop in Sixteen Candles, grab a blanket and think about on the days when I wanted to be Molly Ringwald.

I can remember crying for like 3 solid hours once because I wasn't Molly Ringwald. Huh???? Now I'd just like to be out of debt and halfway un-miserable for a few days in a row. Who the heck cares that I'm not famous and don't have the gorgeous red hair I've always dreamed of? Being Molly Ringwald is like the furthest thing from a priority now, but boy it was sure important when I was 15...says the bitter 31 year old.

Who was that wise woman that said "Don't rush growing up - it's not all you think it's going to be."? Hmmm...lemme think....oh yeah, now I remember - every adult woman I came in contact with as a teenager.

The Diva has spoken at 8:48 AM CDT

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