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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Kids are funny things
Topic: Mommy Moment
Either they are bickering at each other nonstop, threatening physical abuse or worse, death. They yell "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" and "SHE'S BREATHING MY AIR!" and the like. They touch each other just so they can hear their sibling scream "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" They swear they hate each other and that they wish they'd never had a brother/sister. They are noisy while they are doing all of this and I find myself counting to five. A lot. Slowly. Over. and. over.

Then other times they play together so well, squealing and screaming and giggling those adorable belly laughs that no adult is capable of. They share, for the love of God - they SHARE. They are loving and caring to each other and so protective of each other that I'd rather encounter a cranky badger with the DT's in a dark alley on a full moon than mess with the sibling they are protecting. I hear on the monitor (Yes, she's almost 3 and yes I still have a monitor in her room - so what?) things like "Sissy, you da best. Me loves you." and "God is cool for giving you to us, cuz you know Mom and Dad weren't planning on you." and "Sissy, can I marry you when I grow up?" and other sweet, precious things like that.

Being a mom is so cool.

The Diva has spoken at 5:03 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Topic: Things in life that suck
My son has taken to yelling "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" rather loudly and obnoxiously like a sports announcer regaling the latest monster truck rally. He got up this morning and asked "Momma, what day is it?" I replied that it was Sunday and then it was all day long "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" I don't know where the kid gets it.

I attended church today. I know, big shocker. Oh hush, y'all. It's only been a few months, lol. Anyway, I attended a church that I attended when Ab was just barely a year old. We were going there when Sam was born. Then we drifted out of attendance, like we've done so many times before. I say "we", but it's always pretty much been me. Paul would attend occasionally, but never regularly. Hey I can't make him. This church is the other church that we shared a cabin with at camp this summer. I've known their youth minister since he was like 15 and he and my sister were inseparable. I've known a lot of the members since I was an infant. Some have known my mother and grandfather forever. It's like that all over town, though, small town, etc. But this church has always held a special place in my heart and why I left I'm not sure. I was obviously supposed to be somewhere else. But last Tuesday I really felt God was pressing on my heart to go back there. I, being the questioning, argumentative person I am, asked Him exactly why I should go back, it'd been so long, did He have a reason . . . Oh I was coming up with some doozies. I'd try to dismiss it, but still the urging was there. I was perplexed but decided that indeed I would go. One of these days.

Then Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, my cousin Courtney called to tell me that the pastor at this church and his family had been in a car wreck and all but the wife had been killed. How horrific. The day before Thanksgiving and this woman's entire family is gone. The day before Thanksgiving and a church is left without a pastor. The day before Thanksgiving and countless people all over town were left minus three very special friends. But I also had to keep in mind that the day before Thanksgiving, Heaven welcomed home three of it's own. What a joyous thought, but at the same time what a sad, sad thought. It's hard to rejoice as a Christian that they are now in heaven with Christ, when all you want to do as a human is scream out "WHY??? This isn't FAIR!!"

The Saturday after it happened I mentioned to Heather the fact that I felt God was telling me to go there and had been before the accident even happened. I asked her if she could tell me why God would want me at a church going through so much turmoil? Why would God want me to just drop back into this church's congregation when they were in such a time of need and hurt? My precious little sister, just said "Kristin, have you ever stopped to think that God wants you there. Period. If He is telling you to go there, He has a reason and it's not your place to question it. Just go." Of course I stammered out that I had no talents, nothing to offer, no words of wisdom and she simply said, "You do have talents and have you ever thought that maybe you being there might just be the encouragement someone needs?"

I answered the call this morning and attended Sunday School and morning worship. What an amazing church. What a tremendous outpouring of love and fellowship and brotherhood exists there. They are an amazing church, an amazing group of Christians and I was honored to be there today. If you pray, please lift up this church and this woman who lost so much. If you don't, send them good thoughts.

Now back to the monster trucks...up next the mega thunder truck, "God's Power", will smash over a 50 foot tall tower of fear, frustration, anxiety, turmoil and sadness. You can't miss it!!!

The Diva has spoken at 4:33 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:33 PM CST
Saturday, December 4, 2004
Bedtime story
Mood:  cool
Topic: Writer's block banished!
I thought I'd share my latest story with y'all. I am a member over at Fizzle & Pop and we have these story contests that are mucho fun-o. Check out the link to the left also - we used to write about a town called Mystic Springs, but it got kinda confusing so we kinda gave up, lol. Anyway in these contests you are given a list of words and you must include those words in your story. Sometimes the rules change from round to round, like this round your story had to be 666 words exactly. Yeah, creepy, I know. Anyway, I missed the last two rounds because I was so busy, but I managed to slip a story in like 30 minutes before the deadline last night. Here it is in it's entirety. The highlighted words are the ones we had to use. Also, if you'd like to read any of my other ones, let me know. If enough are interested I'll post 'em.

She was mumbling to herself, twisting her thumb ring around and round and staring off at some unknown spot on the floor in front of her. She had shut the door to her office and prayed no one would wander in any time soon. Normally her door stayed open so when it was shut her coworkers usually knew it was for a good reason. It would be so typical if some idiot barged in today of all days, she had mused earlier. She sighed heavily and mumbled, her voice becoming quieter and quieter with each unintelligible word. She was perched on the edge of her desk chair and her legs were shaking from holding herself in place, trying not to cause her chair to shift on its wheels. "Dammit", she said faintly, her eyes moving suddenly from their fixed spot on the carpet. She was about short circuit and she knew it. She was dangerously close to it. Life got to her occasionally, and since she had discovered escaping, she was letting it get to her more and more. Her nerves were raw, her temper short and her emotional status was extremely fragile. But she had discovered the escape and it was far better than the infernal madness she endured daily. She settled back further into her chair, slipping her sweater off her shoulders as she kicked off her shoes as well. Slumping slightly into a more comfortable position she began twisting her ring again, her eyes losing focus, breath slowing and her legs losing tension and spreading far enough apart that it would've been enough to give a passerby a glance at what lay buried up beneath her gray wool skirt. She heard the telephone ringing somewhere off in the distance and although she didn't even bother to break her stare, she managed a mutinous glare at the noise that threatened her concentration. She closed her eyes, yearning for the escape to come. Deep breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth calmed her and she regained her focus and peacefulness once again. "Attention! Mahala Barger please report to Mr. Sheffield's office at your convenience." The words blared over the intercom fell on everyone's ears but her own. She was slipping away finally, drifting off to where the noises didn't matter and all she cared about was the quiet and the blessed noiselessness of it all. A grin slowly edged onto her lips and if one were to look close enough they would see her tongue tapping quickly against her top front teeth.

Her eyes always had a hard time adjusting to her suddenly opulent surroundings when she first entered the escape and she shielded them with her hands. Her bare toes dug into the cool grass and she shivered at the sensation it delivered to her body. Slowly she moved her hands away from her face, letting them drop to her sides as she stared in awe. She would never tire of the initial newness of each escape. She sighed heavily again, but this time it was one of contentedness and not of frustration. Tentatively she looked over her shoulder as if checking for someone behind her. No one had ever followed her and as far as she knew no one even knew of her newfound talent of escaping or of the escape itself. This was hers and she wasn't eager to share such a treasure.

Almost as if she sensed it before it happened, her smile suddenly faded and as the graphite colored paperweight connected with her skull she fell onto the ground, landing hard on her right side. Her eyes were unfocused once more, staring far off at some unknown point. She heard a cold voice cackle then say, "This is my escape, bitch. If you use it, I can't. Now you won't be able to anymore." She tried to move, knowing a fatal blow was coming, but all she could do was slow her breathing once more and escape.

The Diva has spoken at 10:39 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:31 PM CST
One Voice
Topic: Rambling much
Well, my voice is back, but for who knows how long. It's kinda of been here in and out all day, but I've been able to speak for about 7 hours now. It's pretty scratchy, though, and when I talk a lot it starts to fade. Why, I haven't a clue. Dad said he really didn't think the makeup allergy had anything to do with the voice losing, but he also said stranger things had happened. Both can be due to histamine reactions, so they could be linked.


We went to the Christmas parade in town. Jim, my surrogate father of sorts, told me I was going to be one really cranky old lady. I dubbed myself the official "Parade Bitch". No one actually thought I'd do anything about the people standing in front of the children and the old folks sitting in their cars, but enough was enough finally. I made my kids stand on the curb where you are SUPPOSED to stand - not out in the middle of the freaking STREET. So of course, my kids couldn't see. Plus there was a carload of elderly folks sitting there helpless not able to see anything because the crowd that had edged out into the street had also edged over in front of them. Finally I had HAD it. I walked straight up to a crowd of people and kindly asked them to move so the folks in their car and all the short CHILDREN (who are more excited about the parade than the adults, ya know?) could see. I had to do it several times and I got some nasty looks, but geez. I even told Jim I was going to write a letter to the editor, too. He really laughed. That was when he told me I was going to stress myself into a heart attack before 50 and I was going to be a really cranky old person. Heh. Oh well. My kids were there for the parade, I personally couldn't care less about a parade. I go because my kids love it and I like watching them light up. If I can't see, good grief, I'm not going to lose sleep. But if they can't see, you can bet the mother bear in me is coming out of hibernation. Why is it that after about 10 floats go by the crowd is suddenly in the middle of the freaking ROAD???? No kidding! I looked down the street at one point and I guarantee you that my family was standing a good 6 feet behind the rest of the crowd. We were standing on the sidewalk. They were in the street. Bands were walking on toes, dudes dressed up as Cherry Limeades from the Sonic were tripping over people, horses were nearly trampling children, but did the crowd take the hint? Good heavens, no they might miss something.

We ended up moving from our original spot. I stood there about the crawl out of my skin for as long as I could. I know I'm going to sound like the world's biggest snob when I say this, but I'm really not. I hope you understand what I say. All around us were mullet-wearing, acid-washed jeans-wearing, greasy headed rednecks screaming at their kids between puffs on their cigarettes, WHICH they were smoking right in the middle of a crowd of people. (Don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with smoking, have been known to do it myself on occasion, but I also know where it is appropriate) I watched in horror as a mom squatted down to adjust her son's sock hat and blew smoke in his face. I also watched that same child sit on the curb and play in the mud and his mom screamed at him over and over and over and over (LOgan! Logan! Get OUT OF THAT MUD! Logan are you in the mud again?! Boy, get OUT of that mud. Logan don't make me come over there and get you, Logan!)and finally I was just about to say "Ya wanna lemme have a go at him? I bet if I bust him on the rear he'll quit that ya know." Agh! The chairman of Rednecks International was selling light-up fiber optic pacifers and baby bottles you could hang around your neck. "Complete with break-away necklace for your child's safety!" I heard the vendor say. The folks around me were swarming for 'em. And not just the kids. Sam turned around I know to ask for one and he opened his mouth and I raised one eyebrow at him and he said "I guess I won't ask for one, huh?" I finally could take no more. I turned to Paul, nodded for him to bend down where I could speak into his ear without making the crowd around me aware I was having a panic attack because of them and I said, "Husband, I am standing in the middle of my worst nightmare right now. It's a freaking redneck convention and I forgot my membership card. If you don't get me away from here right now I will scream. And quite loudly." He looked at me and said, "Hmh, well I think we should move then." And I know that when he turned to lead us to a new standing place he was rolling his eyes and smirking, but frankly all I cared about was moving far far away from the spot I had been in. At that particular moment he was my hero, my savior, he was the freaking BOMB. But later that changed and he was back to being the redneck I married. But at least he didn't have a freaking light-up pacifier around his neck NOR did he even attempt to buy them for our children. I gotta give him credit there.

The Diva has spoken at 10:28 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:31 PM CST
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Things in life that suck
Okay, so my BFF introduced me to this new makeup right before she left to move far, far away to her own personal hell. It's Maybelline's new Dream Matte Mousse and I must say that is is honestly the BEST makeup I've ever worn. The coverage is amazing and my skin looked great. For awhile anyway. I loved this makeup so much that I told my sister about it, (she went out and promptly bought it as well) raving about the coverage and how great it felt on my skin and I had to touch-up far less during the day, blah blah blah. Maybelline could've freaking HIRED me to talk about their amazing makeup. But I don't think they'd hire me now because I'm ALLERGIC to it!

After wearing it for quite awhile I noticed that my eyes were unusually red all around, especially on the eyelid. They'd get puffy and eventually peel (yuck, I know it's gross, sorry), but after speaking with my father, who is an RN, he assured me it was like a hayfever type allergy to something in my environment. I kept on wearing my amazing new makeup. Then one night down at Sis' I went without makeup because my eyes were particularly itchy and peely that day. Sis commented that her eyes had started doing that too. Well, why we didn't put it all together then is a mystery to me. Well, my eyes got worse, so did hers. Hers eventually has spread down to around her mouth as well. I finally got wise and took a week off of wearing it. Not really because I thought I was allergic to it - I was running low and wanted to make sure I had enough to get me through the holidays. I'm such a dingbat. So for an entire week I wore a different foundation. My eyes healed completely. No more red, itchy, swollen, peely eyes.

But I'm a moron. I freely admit it. Thursday night was the kids' Christmas program and well, I always try to make myself look downright purty when I'm going to be around the other parents at school functions. So I dragged out the Dream Matte Mousse and fatefully smeared it allllllll over my face, eyelids included. Man, was I hot that night, lol. My makeup looked great, my hair was great (not in the least does my hair pertain to this story, I'm just bragging) and all was right with the world. When I got ready for bed that night I made sure I took it off really well, washed and rinsed, patted extra moisturizer all over and went to bed.

I woke up Friday morning looking like an abused wife. My right eye was completely swollen shut! I spent 30 minutes on the couch with a cold washcloth on it trying to at least get it open. By the time I left for Santa's workshop it was half open, but looked AWFUL still yet. Courtney took one look at me, sighed and said, "Well, looks like Paul had to tell you twice." LOL, that was really funny to me. Anyway, I was self conscious of it all durn day and it itched like a MF'er. By day's end it had started turning purple so then it really looked like I had been beat. Today it's swollen still and so red/purple it's just embarrassing. But the icing on the cake today is

I've lost my voice again.

The Diva has spoken at 4:34 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:30 PM CST
Thursday, December 2, 2004
Happy Ramachanakwanzmas - and don't forget Festivus!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rambling much
I led my very first "official" Brownie meeting tonight! Okay, so it was my daughter, my niece and two other girls and all we did was make hot cocoa mix, but it was our first OFFICIAL meeting! We said the Girl Scout Promise and sang our adorable little prayer (from the Disney cartoon "Johhny Appleseed" - it's cute and the girls can remember it easily), we talked about our Winter Survival Kits and made our hot cocoa mix. I made the girls wash their germy little kid hands before started, then we got on the subject of germs and what color they are and I guess it kinda freaked Riley out because that poor child washed her hands about 10 times before we finished. She wanted to wash them more, but I finally told her that she wasn't going to have any more skin on her hands and boy howdy, would that let the germs in. She quit.

We planned our Christmas Caroling spree and now I have to call one of the assisted living places around here to see if we can deliver our Survival Kits to some of their residents. We opted out on the nursing home simply because some of these girls are pretty little and we were afraid that some of the more serious cases at a nursing home might upset them a little. We're trying to teach compassion and love for our fellow man, but we also don't want to cause anxiety for the girls. It's a tough call to make - how much to expose them to and at what age and you also have to factor in the girls' maturity levels, etc. But the place I have in mind is a really nice place and all residents are ambulatory and the staff is just wonderful. I think it'll be a good thing.

I spent all day Wednesday at the school in Santa's workshop with Sis. Wow. I remember now exactly why I opted out on a teaching degree. How do those elementary school teachers DO it? They're obnoxious, they're hyper (especially this time of year), they're self-centered - and I am talking about the kids here. Of course, this could also apply to some of the teachers, too... Anyway, I really did have a good time, but considering I had to take my two preschool wards along for the day, the day wore pretty long. Chandler ended up falling asleep under one of the tables and of all days to forget my camera. It was precious. I took a bag of crayons, paper and little coloring books to occupy them and as an afterthought threw in a bag of pipe cleaners as well. If you ever want to entertain a 2, 3 and 5 year old for about 30 minutes, give them pipe cleaners. At first they just poked themselves with them and waved them around in the air threatening to poke each other. Then I made a giraffe. And a pig. And then the twisting and contorting of the pipe cleaners began. Well, in Santa's Workshop we don't have a Christmas tree - we have a Ficus. So the kids decorated the Ficus tree with pipe cleaners. Then Heather and I got bored so we started twisting some of them around pencils and made curly, spirally, twisty things to hang on the Ficus.

Courtney, The World's Best Kindergarten Teacher and also our cousin, brought in her class and while the kids shopped we talked. And she commented on the Ficus and it's clever decorations. Then it was like she and I shared a light bulb and we both said "FESTIVUS!! It's a Festivus Ficus!" If you don't know what Festivus is, shame on you, you Seinfeld hater you. So then our collective minds started plotting and planning and decided that our Cousin Party would be a Festivus Celebration.

***A little history here: When we were teenagers we got new cousins. Their names were Courtney and Benn. They were cool. I was about 17 or 18 when we got Courtney and Benn, (and a new aunt, but she's not involved in this story) Sis and Benn were 15, Courtney was 13 or so. Now this made us a happy little band of cousins. What made us even more close-knit was the fact that Courtney full-time and Benn sometimes, and our "old" cousin, Keith, sometimes lived next door to us. (Ah, don't you just love dysfunctionality? Is dysfunctionality a word?) I had a car. I was therefore the most popular cousin. I don't know how we did it, but we fit Sis, Keith, Benn, Courtney and myself into my 86 Cavalier and we would have "Cousinly Bonding" every weekend. Sometimes we could go to a park and hang out - the guys would play ball, we'd toss a frisbee around, or we'd read books and talk. Sometimes we got together at one house or the other and played board games. Once we got thirsty while we were driving all over town (back in the days when gas was like $1.02 a gallon) we scraped and dug until we got enough pennies to buy 5 Vess pops at a convenience store. We paid for them entirely in pennies. And they weren't rolled either. As we grew up, of course, we quit having our Cousinly Bondings, but we all remember them fondly.***

Well, this year we decided to have a Cousinly Bonding Revisited Party. Benn will be in from NYC and what better reason to have a party. Although, rumor has it he won't show. Annnnnnnyway, we're forging ahead with our plans, involving spouses this time. And liquor. And FESTIVUS! And we all have to hand-make a gift and we'll exchange them at the party. I cannot wait to see what everyone brings. Rest assured the entire celebration will be blog-worthy. Now to get a Ficus in my house by then...

I had another one of my tornado dreams last night. I've had them since I was a child. Dream analysts say that tornadoes in dreams represent turmoil in ones life. I have had turmoil in my life for as long as I can remember then. Honestly, some of my first dreams that I can remember have had tornadoes in them. Here's the weird part - I am never scared in them. And no one is hurt. I see the tornado(s) coming at us, I know they are going to devastate our surroundings, but I am amazingly calm and my role in the dream is to gather and organize and make sure everyone is safe. Usually there is more than just one tornado coming at me/us and they're always really big and I can see how they are ripping things apart in their path. But we are never hurt. I've had one of these dreams that was scary and only one. It involved my children and I don't like to think about that particular one. And another weird thing - the last few I've had have taken place in the same area. Not necessarily the same house, but the community and surrounding area is the same. I could draw you a picture right now (with the help of a police sketch artist because I can't draw, lol) the details are so vivid in my mind. I don't ever remember actually visiting this place in my life, but it feels familiar and "home". I dunno. Wanna know what brought on last night's tornado dream? Nick and Jessica's Christmas Special. Damn you, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

This elf has signed on for another day in the Workshop tomorrow. Blessed be, though - I don't have Chandler tomorrow. Oh I love the kid and all, but this was his mom's early week at work and my alarm went off at 5:30 every day. Well, except for today. I woke up today when the dog barked when they drove up. Oops. Tomorrow I don't have to get up till 6:45! 6:45 people! I'll be so damn rested I won't know how to handle myself.

Agh, I really have to go now...husband has turned off the TV and is sitting in his recliner pouting that the computer is bothering him. Big baby.

The Diva has spoken at 11:16 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:29 PM CST
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Variety is the spice of life
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Instead of "Daaaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDaddddddddddddddy!" now I'm getting a loud earful of "Momma! MommaMommaMommaMommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmma!"

No one can say that kid is a slave to routine. Go, baby...mix it up a little, what say?

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:28 PM CST
And it was going so well, too
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Things were so quiet, things were peaceful even. She hadn't cried for "Daaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddddddddddy!" not once since she got here. She was actually playing and was happy and we were having such a good day. Then I went to the washing machine for like 3 seconds then I hear a crash. Then crying. And now we're back to "Daaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddy!" again. And I figure since I have to hold her and listen to her scream now, I might as well try to type while I slowly go insane.

And to top it all off...the snow we're getting right now is the poorest excuse for snow I've ever seen in all my 31 years. It's not even white. It's like little morsels of slushiness falling from the sky and splattering all around. It's just damn depressing.

And my heart has been doing this little shuck and jive thing lately. I think it's just incredible amounts of stress, what do you think? The last time I experienced this, I was infertile and dealing with the fact that I could not bear children without the aid of drugs, was also diagnosed with precancerous cells of the cervix and had only been married a year and was slowly realizing that my husband was more redneck than I ever imagined. Man, that doctor slapped as prescription for Xanax on me so fast my head spun. Too bad that doctor is now doing cosmetic laser whatchamacallits and microdermabrasion and some other procedure where they run a big vibrating doohicky over your ass while you wear a stocking and it's supposed to magically whisk away the cellulite. He was really good at prescribing Xanax, too...

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:27 PM CST
sleep good
Must. Stop. Reading. Blogs. Must. Sleep.

It is 1:24 am, I am eating a piece of pumpkin pie, waiting for snow and reading blogs.

Life is soooooo good.

The Diva has spoken at 1:24 AM CST
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Just a few meandering thoughts....ramblings, if you will
Mood:  happy
*I have spent two days in my house without leaving - with my children.
*Yesterday I wore sweats and an incredibly corny Christmas sweatshirt. Today I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt. (Oklahoma weather - go figger)
*I have been able to straighten my hair two whole days in a row because the humidity is less than 70%.
*My husband took my son to karate and didn't even gripe or sigh when I asked.
*Husband bought condoms all by himself last night - my little man is growing up so fast! *tear* (Yeah, go ahead and put that in the ol' TMI file. I'll wait.)
*We watched the Grinch last night - not the crappy new one, but the original with Boris Karloff himself.
*I slept till nearly 8 this morning.
*I cried unashamedly yet again when I watched Annabelle's Wish.
*I have listened to nothing but Christmas music since last week.
*I don't think it is possible to get tired of Elton John's "Step Into Christmas".
*It is, however, possible to get realllllly tired of Wham's "Last Christmas".
*I have managed to unlock a whole bunch of groovy stuff on my brand spankin' new Sims: Bustin' Out.
*My family is home from Florida finally. I missed them.
*My house is relatively clean except for my bedroom. This distresses and disturbs me. Yet I'm strangely not compelled to do a thing about it.
*When the children get quiet it's always blessed respite. Until you get this nagging feeling that they are doing something very. very. bad.
*My feet are cold. Think it has something to do with the fact I am wearing shorts during the last week of NOVEMBER?
*Tonight the husband and I are going to string Christmas lights down our hallway, making "Christmas Tree Lane" (they named it that, we didn't) for our children for the second year in a row. You've never seen 3 happier kids than when that hallway lights up for the first time. Who knew 2 dozen nails and an extra string of Christmas lights could bring so much joy? Yep, it looks pretty damn trashy, but when the munchkins are that happy it really doesn't matter how trashy you look. Well...sorta.
*I hate making pie crusts. I really suck at it, too. I did,however, get a new recipe from a friend online, so we'll see how it turns out here in about 15 minutes when I commence to making pies.
*My sister is coming over to play Sims: Bustin' Out with me. I missed her when she was having T'giving with the Mouse. But still I will kick her ass in 2 player mode and she will succumb to the power of the almighty Queen of the Sims.

I think that's just about all the random thoughts I had wandering around alone in my head. At least for awhile. Wow, it's amazingly quiet in there head, that is.

The Diva has spoken at 3:21 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, November 27, 2004 3:29 PM CST
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Mom blogged it - and we helped!
Mood:  lucky
I called the kids in here one by one and asked them what they are thankful for. With Sam and Kady I had to actually define the word "thankful", but they still found a lot of things once they understood what I meant.

Here's my conversation with Sam:
Me: Okay, bud, what are you thankful for?
Sam: What's fankful?
Me: THhhhhhankful means that you're glad for something. For instance, I'm thankful for mood altering drugs, liquor and cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies. (Just kidding, I didn't really say that last sentence, but I felt every word.)
Sam: Ohhhhhhh...ok,I get it.
Me: Okay, so now...what are you thankful for?
Sam: Hmmm....well you(meaning me), Daddy, Sissy, Kady, Jake (the dog), Maggy (the cat), and Grammy, Oklahoma, and I'm f - uh THHHHHHHHankful for helping people, I'm thankful for my school, I'm thankful for my room, I'm thankful for the Christmas tree, God, Jesus, Grandpa Winscott, hmmmmm...for Addison and Gentry, I'm thankful for my favorite books, okay....I'm thankful for my favorite TV shows, my birthday, my Gameboy Advance (Babs, I'm seeking that intervention!), for my bed, I'm thankful I helped Dad make a fire...(long thoughtful pause)... and for my favorite food (macaroni and cheese).

And it all came out just about as fast as you were able to read it through. Once that kid gets goin' he's a lot like me, lol.

So then I called Ab out here and asked her the same question:
Me: Okay, so Miss Abby, what are you thankful for?
Ab: (Loud, dramatic sigh) What am I thankful for? Like what are you even doing?
Me: Well, I thought you guys might want to contribute to my blog today.
Ab: Whatever. Okay, I'm thankful for turkey, turtles, cats, dogs, God, Jesus, scarecrows, Kady, Mom, Dad, ducks, Sam, Santa.
Me: Is that it?
Ab: Can I go play Playstation?

I'm not sure exactly why she's thankful for turtles. This one has me baffled.

And then it was Kady's turn. This one took a few tries because she had just gotten up from her nap and was royally cranky and whiny. But when I finally got her to cooperate this is what it sounded like:

Me: Okay, now can you tell me what you are thankful for?
KD: Mommmmmmma, Gwammmmmmmaw and Pepaw, Dada, Gwammy with the circle head... uhhh... you!
Me: You already said me, silly.
KD: Oh sowwy.
Me: It's okay. Now what else?
KD: Gwanny with the not circle head. Strawberry Shootcake, my woobies, my book, Mickey Mouse, Blue's Clues, umm, umm, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me thankful for Pooh Bear! Uhmmm...forrrrrrrr... Tittsany and John Wozell! Annnnnnd about my toys.
Me: That's very good! Are you done?
KD: Umm no. (Blank look on her face as if she was permanently marking me as an idiot.) Nowwww... what next? Oh yes, I forgot!, pwincess shoes. I'm thankful for my pwincess shoes!
Me: What else?
KD: (She'd already turned her back and was busy with something else) Dat all.
Me: (Nothing, I was typing.)
Me: Duuuuude, little lady, I SO heard you!

So let me just take a moment to list a few things I'm thankful for:

* Did I already mention mood altering drugs, liquor, cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies?
* I'm thankful for my home and my family. My children are what keep me sane and living. Sometimes they are the only things keeping me that way. Without my mother and my sister I would not have the fabulous support system that I'm blessed with. They may be related to me and I may get frustrated with them from time to time, but they are my two dearest friends. My husband brings home a paycheck every other week and doesn't beat the crap out of me, so for that I'm thankful as well. (Yes, I'm still a tad bitter about the truck, just in case you're wondering.)
* I'm thankful for my computer and the 'net. Do I really need to go into this one? I mean, y'all blog - you're thankful for these things as well, right?
* My Indian card
* My van, even if it is kinda crappy and has over 100,000 miles on it and .... eh, you've heard this one before.
* My country. It's free. It has its faults, but it's better than some of the other choices out there.
* And most importantly, all kidding aside, I am thankful that God loves me and forgives me on a daily basis for all the rotten stuff I do and think. He's a loving, almighty and awesome God and I don't deserve His love, but wow - He gives it.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

The Diva has spoken at 3:30 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, November 25, 2004 3:32 PM CST
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I just gotta know...
Mood:  quizzical
...did anyone else watch Law and Order SVU last night? And did anyone else get so enraged at the stupid-ass ending that they jerked their cute, fluffy, favorite bunny slipper off their right foot and threw it directly at the screen, then jumped to their feet and screamed "WTF???"

Just wondering.

The Diva has spoken at 4:02 PM CST
Do you eat beans?
Mood:  hungry
I'm not sure if anyone else ever watched them besides my sister and I (and we were both insanely addicted to them even though we were 16 and 19 at the time), but the title line is from an episode of The Animaniacs. It was mall surveyors standing there with clipboards asking "Do you eat beans? Do you like George Wendt? Do you eat beans with George Wendt? Do you like movies? Would you like to see a new movie about George Wendt eating beans?" etc. through the whole bit and OH GOSH it was funny. To this day we will still from time to time spontaneously say at the same time "Do you eat beans?" Hey, it's funny to us.

Anyway, the whole bean reference is because I'm making a big ol' pot of brown beans and ham. I made cornbread this morning and if I can keep my paws out of the pan we'll have it with the beans tonight for dinner. Along with fried potatoes and onions...oh the drool. My only current day care mom, Jill, is taking home half of the beans. You know, it's just not possible to make a "few" beans. You just can't. You either make a big-ass stock pot full of 'em or you don't make 'em at all.

Jill is a 40-hour-a-week working Mom AND she's hosting T'giving dinner at her house tomorrow, so I decided I'd share the (farts) love and send her home with beans and cornbread for dinner tonight. She was so appreciative! And that makes me like giving beans and cornbread even more. And really, not just beans and cornbread. I just like giving period. Not necessarily money, because frankly, I never have any of that (as the not-so-friendly folks at Sears National Bank are going to find out when I finally answer my phone and I tell them that yes, I know I'm 2 months behind on my credit card payment and no, I don't rightly know when I'm going to have the money to pay them and yes, I realize that they can turn me over to collections and yes, it concerns me, but hey, my hands are kinda tied here folks. It's that whole blood out of a turnip thing.), but I just like giving. I'm not bragging, tooting my horn (oh but the beans...the beans will bring about much tooting) or anything like that - I just like to give. Nothing makes me happier than to know I've helped someone out, blessed them in some way and surprised to heck outta them by going out of my way. Like making dinner for someone then just dropping it by out of the blue. That one's a classic. And like me giving Chandler a bath on Jill's late nights because she gets him home at 8pm and that's nearly his bedtime and she should at least get to spend some non-stressed time with him while he's awake. That tickles her to death and it makes me deliriously happy to know I helped her out.

I don't do it because I need her to think I'm the all surpreme best babysitter ever, I do it because I'd like to think that one of these days if I'm in need someone's going to help me and because there have been times in my life that I have been in need and someone has helped me. It's a pay it back/pay it forward thing. I figure my karma needs all the help it can get, what with all the mouse-killing that occurs in my house these days. And don't forget the cute, fluffy kitten-killing that I'm quite sure I did at some point in a previous life.

The Diva has spoken at 3:58 PM CST
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Hey Sam Johnson!
Mood:  celebratory
Sam of The Real Sam Johnson Show just had some dental work done and is hoping he can at least get a good T'giving meal down. He also commented he hadn't, as of then, received an invitation to dinner, so Sam, my friend - I'm extending you an invitation to spend T'giving with my ultra cool, highly dysfunctional family! Oh come on, you know you wanna! We eat, we play board games, Dad has a pool table, the kids run amuck through the house screaming at the tops of their lungs, we eat, I usually sit on the couch and fall asleep at some point, Dad takes it upon himself to fall back into the days of my youth where he feels compelled to practice take-down moves on any one of us - mainly me, though....ummm, let's see....yeah, that's pretty much it! Oh did I mention we eat? AND that I'm bringing homemade macaroni and cheese this year???

And if you can't make it on T'giving Day, buddy, there's always the Saturday after, when we're going to celebrate with my traitorous family members who are, as I type, in freaking Disney World. I'm not bitter. Nope. How could I be bitter sitting here in 45 degree rainy, dreary weather, cooped up with 3 (but it seems like oh so many more) really hyper, fighting, hateful children, listening to Christmas music and still harboring quite a bit of animosity towards the husband? I mean, how could I be bitter? Not when I know that 5 members of my family are in Florida right now, seeing the Mouse, the Princesses, freaking EEYORE, man...and Mom even said they were HOT yesterday. But for the Festival for the Traitors I am making the turkey, and I gotta say, they always turn out really good. I'll make homemade mac and cheese again, too. And in all likelihood, I'll made a pan of hot rolls using my MeeMaw's recipe. YUM!

So Sam, my take your pic of which day you'd like to attend, get your plane ticket and let me know so I can pick you up in my crappy-ass van because you KNOW I won't drive the new truck!

The Diva has spoken at 4:30 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, November 21, 2004 4:32 PM CST
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Where was I?
Mood:  quizzical
Courtesy of Lachlan, I decided to put this list up and test my memory a little.

Where were you on these historical dates?

1) ...John F. Kennedy was shot? (11/22/1963) My Mom was 11, Dad was 12.
2) ...Mt. St. Helen's blew? (5/18/1980) I was 7 and don't remember much about it. We talked about it a little at home, but it wasn't mentioned much at school. I mean, in first grade they tried to keep it pretty low key.
3) ...the Challenger exploded? (1/28/1986) I was in 7th grade math, Mr. Spencer's class. They wheeled a TV into our room and we watched the news play it over and over again. I remember the room being full of gasps when they told us and the silence as we watched it. It was my mom's birthday.
4)...the Berlin Wall Fell? (11/07/1989) Good heavens, I was a Junior in high school, you think I'd have been a little more up on what was going on around me then. I think I remember it being on the news that night, but it really didn't impact me the way I guess it should've.
5) ... the Gulf War began? (01/16/1991) I was a Senior in high school, it was right before my 18th birthday. I don't remember feeling scared, trepiditious or anything like that. I was filled with the patriotism of a teenager bordering on adulthood and I remember hearing God Bless the USA about 40 times a day.
6) ... OJ Simpson was chased in his White Bronco? (06/17/1994) I had been married a little over a year, was pregnant (although I'm not sure if I even knew yet) and don't remember the actual chase. I saw it on the 10 o'clock news later that night, but it was pretty much a big bleh for me.
7) ... the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed? (04/19/1995) Being an Okie, this is one I remember all too well. They pre-empted Regis and Kathie Lee and I was pissed off when I saw the news breaking in. Then the shock hit like a lead weight swinging in from nowhere. I was running a home daycare at the time, had a house full of kids and sat with little Audra (who is now 12) in my lap and cried like a baby. I finally sent her back to play because I was freaking her out with all the tears. I called my mother at work, crying, and spent the rest of her work day calling her to give her updates. That was a very grim time for me. We had just lost our first baby 6 months prior and to hear about all those was bad.
8)...Princess Di was killed? (08/31/1997) I haven't a clue. I had a 10 month old baby and if memory serves me correctly I had just undergone surgery to remove a kidney stone. Princess Di was wayyyy down on the list for me.
9) ... terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center? (09/11/2001) I was pregnant with Kady and was sick with pharyngitis, otitis and sinusitis. (It was the -itis trifecta) I was in the recliner, curled up in a blanket, feeling pretty sorry for myself. The kids were watching Blue's Clues. My mother called me and told that something bad had happened in NYC and to turn on the news. Then my sister called me when the second plane hit. Ab was 5 and the first thing she said when she saw NYC on TV was "Oh no! Momma! That's where Benn is!" My cousin lives there and she knew that. She was terrified. I spent the next 3 days glued to the TV, crying and neglecting my children until one morning my phone rang at 7, my mom was on the other end telling me to turn off the damn TV, go take a shower and take my kids and myself somewhere away from any news for the day. Best advice she could've given me. I was obsessing.
10) ... the space shuttle Columbia disintegrated during re-entry over Texas? (02/01/2003) I was here at home and they broke in on my TV show to say that it had happened. I don't remember much about it other than that.

Anyone noticed I watch an awful lot of TV?

The Diva has spoken at 10:11 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, November 20, 2004 10:15 PM CST
Happy Birthday Sammy!
Mood:  celebratory
Today is Sam's 6th birthday!

This is what Sam has done all day:

The guy ended up with $160 in birthday money and spent every penny on a Gameboy Advance and 3 games. But hey, it's what he wanted. I can already tell that we are going to have to put a limit on the play time because that's all he wants to do. My nephew, Gentry, got one a few weeks ago and has the same addiction. Gent even gave up going to see The Incredibles in order to play an extra 30 minutes of his GBA. Do they have meetings for things like this? "Hi, I'm Gentry (chorus of Hi Gentry's) and I'm addicted to Game Boy."

The Diva has spoken at 4:16 PM CST
Mood:  don't ask
Okay, friend Sychotic asked a question that deserves to be answered: "Did you both discuss this or did he just come home with the new truck?"

Well, funny thing about dear husband...he doesn't give a rip about what I think. My opinions don't count. ESPECIALLY when his mother's been brought into the picture. Now, don't get me wrong, I love his mom and she's a great woman, has done a lot for us, etc. BUT my husband is the youngest of 3 boys and he is a definite momma's boy. If I can keep him from calling his mother we can actually discuss and decide things as a couple. But if mother in law is called in, it's all over, I am officially kicked out of the treehouse.

Wednesday when we finished our errands in town he asked me to drive out to the Chrysler dealership. He's been looking, wanting, drooling, but we really couldn't do anything till like March, at least. But ohhhh, my husband is a car salesman's dream and the man is probably a shitty poker player, too. He cannot keep his emotions and facial expressions in check. Hell, just his body language is enough to make a salesman start planning the kill. Anyway, the 05's are like $45,000 and I was absolutely furious to be even looking at them. Then the crafty, evil salesman tells him he's got a repo that was "just brought in yesterday" (as they always are. was probably only driven by a little ol' lady to and from church on sundays, too) and boy, it was a honey and a good price, etc. The sales guy had stopped even talking to me at this point because he was getting no response from me, whatsoever. Husband, however, had little red hearts shooting from his eyes. *retch* We ended up leaving the lot when I pried his fingers from the bumper of the pickup and told him we had to get home to get the kids off the bus.

All the way home I could hear the hamster wheel in his head a creakin' and turnin'. Sure enough...we walked in the door and he called his momma. She met him here at the house and they drove in together to look at the truck. All this, while I was getting things ready for his son's 6th birthday party. Yep...he was skipping out on the party to go look at a truck. Am I painting a picture of a selfish SOB right now? Good, I hope so. He was an hour late for the party. Thankfully, Sam was so busy and excited with the party itself he didn't notice. Which is good, yeah...but really sad that he's pretty used to his wishy-washy father.

The next morning we drove into the dealership, he and I, and we signed the papers. Now, I could've been a bitch deluxe and refused, but people...I have been married to this man for nearly 12 years. I know what it's like when he doesn't get his way. I frankly, don't like living with him when that happens because it makes my life and kids' lives living hell. I realize, this perpetuates the cycle, he's like a spoiled kid testing their parent. But what are you gonna do? I'm not going to live my life like that. Yes, I'm making it worse, yes I'm pretty much giving him permission to walk all over me, yes he's overextending us beyond belief, but I can't stand up to him. I just can't.

I am so whining right now, I realize this.

Is it wrong to want to shake your spouse until his teeth rattle?

The Diva has spoken at 10:46 AM CST
Have I told you lately...
...just how much I hate the truck?

The Diva has spoken at 10:00 AM CST
Thursday, November 18, 2004
So why am I not happy?
Mood:  irritated
The Hoovers got a new truck today.

Well, just new to us. It's an '04 Dodge Ram 4x4, diesel, quad-cab, hard bed cover, only has 5k miles, running boards, CD player, blah blah blah blah blah. I refuse to drive it. I don't want the truck. Am I being a baby? Yep. I freely admit it.

The truck we had (actually we still have it - anyone wanna buy a truck?) is a 98 Chevy 3/4 ton, 4x4, etc. Nice truck. Has served us well for 4 years. Nothing wrong with it - hasn't even rolled over 100k miles yet. The van I drive is a 98 Astro Van - it has a trick window that if you roll it down too far it gets tired and has to rest before you can roll it up all the way (handy in torrential downpours), the back doors don't open and haven't since June, it rolled over 100k miles when I was in Branson a few weeks ago, I drive it all over the country running the Mom Taxi and will put many many more on it before it's all said and done(but it at least has a kick-ass CD player/sound system in it for my many adventures - the better to hear hours upon hours of Veggie Tales and the blasted Shrek2 Party songs/karaoke CD). Has anyone gotten my point yet?


I am pouting.

I am fuming.

I refuse to drive the new truck.

I actually crossed my arms across my chest this afternoon, struck a "screw you buddy" pose and vehemently shook my head no in response to being asked if I wanted to drive the new truck.

How long will my strike last? Mmmmmdunno. It doesn't matter really. Even if I break down and drive the new truck I will never like it. Ever. Never. Nope. It ain't gonna happen.

Will I ever again speak to my husband about the truck without gritting my teeth? I seriously doubt that one.

He washed it twice today. I kicked the tires. And it wasn't because I was checking them. I was just kicking them because it felt good.

The Diva has spoken at 10:58 PM CST
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
A great big bloggy welcome to my little Mini-me!
Mood:  sharp
Okay, I realize there is only one post on there as of yet, but she will put forth more, I'm sure of it. You HAVE to go over to Tiff's site and give her a glorious welcome to the world of blogging! Tell her I sent ya! *wink*

Well, today was a long one. But then again, do I ever get on here and say "Wow, folks, today went so fast! I laid on the couch all day and ate bon bons and watched CMT and SpikeTV and there wasn't one moment of stress in my life today!" Nah, I don't. Trust me. You don't have to search the archives for that one.

I had a meeting with my Membership Coordinator liaison go-between chick from the Almighty Castle of All Things Girl Scout this morning at 10. I was supposed to meet her and another new leader-trainee. Turns out I actually knew the other girl, so that was a nice surprise. I had just sat down at the table when we were interrupted by Becky's, the other trainee, husband who had just seen her car in the parking lot and wanted to stop in and say hi and that he loved her. Oh. My. Gosh. Do men really do this? Is he really THAT enamored with her that he felt compelled to tell her he loved her and wasn't doing the ass rub paired with "baby I want sex tonight" routine? I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. Wow, that was some digression. Anyway, the training went well. I got some questions answered but at the same time my already overworked brain was suddenly brimming with ideas, quandries, questions and the like and I was on the verge of overload by the time we finished. I just wanted to curl up in my big chair with a cup of coffee and absorb the notebook and manual she sent home with me. I didn't get to. How surprising.

I drove straight home and picked up Paul, Kady and Chandler and we went to town. Of course, the first stop was McBleh's for Happy Meals and a (drum roll please) McRib! This is a happy time in the Diva's life. Those for a limited time McRib's are so divine. I could eat one every day and not get tired of them. And here's the best part - I ate the entire thing without getting one single drop of sauce on my sparkling white blouse. Yeah, Monkey will be so proud. (He posted about spilling coffee on white shirts last week, just in case you aren't a regular Monkey reader, in which case SHAME on you) After the kids finished their McHappy McMeals and got their McIncredible McToys, we drove out to McQuapaw McCasino (oops sorry was on a McRoll there)and Buffalo Run Casino for me to pick up employment applications. Yes, dear friends, family and fellow-bloggers, I am going to dabble into the world of the employed once more. It's only been 10 years. I'm terrified, just for the record. My HOPE is that I can work 10p-6a Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. That's my hope. I don't know if they'd give me that, but it's worth a shot. I can't work days, obviously, but graveyards on the weekends would be great. Send me happy thoughts, please? And if you have connections, that'd be helpful, too.

Then we stopped at the only gas station I know of around here where they actually pump your gas for you. I love that place. The guys that work there are some of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet and I go there for gas just so the place'll stay in business. They were lifesavers when the kids were little and I was too paranoid to leave them in the car long enough to walk into a convenience store to pay. Even when I locked it. Even if it was only like 2 steps into the store. I have gone there for 8 years now. Kudos to you, Speed A Way guys!

After that we got haircuts. Husband and I both. KD and Chandler had fallen asleep in the van by this point, so he and I tag teamed the walk-in haircut place. He went first. His cut was great. Then it was my turn. I had my first naggy little icky feeling when I said I'd like a haircut and the woman, who was sprawled allllll over the chair, rolled her eyes, sighed and said, "Oh great". That's customer service, lemme tell ya. So she proceded to cut my hair, telling me that it was surprisingly soft. I guess it didn't look soft? I'm not sure on that one. Then she asked who did my color. She sniffed when I said I did it. The second and much bigger naggy icky feeling came when she whirled my chair around so the woman in the chair next to me could see me and said, "Kelly, does her hair look even?" Holy shit. I let this woman use scissors on my hair??????? But, the haircut actually looks good, I got two compliments tonight and it feels better, so I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm going to find another walk-in hair cuttin' joint, though. Yes, I know it's so redneck of me to not actually have a regular stylist, but oh well. I'm a redneck. Duh.

There was so much more to this day, but frankly, people....the beer I just drank is starting to mix with the four ibuprofen I took awhile ago and I'm starting to feel like ... well, I'm not feeling much of anything right now. I think the bed is the safest place for me at this point.

I am such a dork. But this . . . this you already knew.

The Diva has spoken at 10:29 PM CST

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