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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Holiday germs
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: The theme music to Super Mario World on the living room TV
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
It is now, I'm afraid, a tradition for at least one Hoover child to be sick at Christmas. Last year Abby was seriously sick and was so worried she was "going to ruin Christmas". She didn't, but let me tell you, it really weighed on her. Now it's KD's turn. Next year, Sammy's up.

Yesterday, before Festivus commenced, we had her birthday party. I was curling my hair and she was in her room just whining and crying-ish and generally being a little butt. I kept asking her what was wrong, no answer. Shrieks came from her room if a sibling went near and I was just dreading a party with a cranky birthday girl. Finally, my hair curled and my temper short, I went into her room to get to the bottom of the situation. There she was, in her party dress, sitting on her knees in her bedroom floor, white as a sheet and crying. I scooped her up and discovered she was burning up! Her fever was 102.7. It was 5:30 and the party was supposed to start at 6. I called Mom who said "Give her a double dose of Motrin and strip her down." So I did just that. Thankfully everyone was late to the party, so it gave the Motrin plenty of time to work it's magic and by the time 6:15 rolled around, she was cool and playing again. She ran the fever all morning and it broke this afternoon, drenching she and I both in her sweat. She also developed a rather not-so-pleasant case of diarrhea this afternoon, too. I figured it was a fluke virus or something and that was that, but who knows. At 8 when I was tucking her in, I thought she felt hot. Yep, fever was 102.3. So far she's sleeping peacefully, but if my Mommy memory serve me right, they always sleep peacefully until you go to bed. Then they wake up crying and spend the night in your bed, talking in their sleep and kicking you in the kidneys.

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 PM CST
Out of the mouths of babes
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The other night in the van we were singing Christmas songs. My children have been warped by public school and now can't seem to remember the actual words to Jingle Bells. They always sing it wrong and they just giggle at their cleverness. They also have the 3 year old doing it, too. *sigh* So Abby bursts into a loud chorus of Jingle Bells:
"Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg.
Batman Bill lost his wheels..."

I have no clue what she said after that because I nearly ran off the road because I was laughing so hard.


Sis and I were talking, we thought quietly, some grownup talk on the way home from Tulsa. She spelled S-E-X, which is a really easy one to sound out. And Abby's 8, for cryin' out loud. From the back seat I hear Ab say "'s SEXICLAUS!" Then when we started laughing she said it repeatedly in a rather sultry voice that, just quite frankly, frightened me.


Sam: Mom, is son of a bitch a bad word?
Me: Yes, son.
Sam: Hmm...Billy at school says son of a bitch all the time.
Me: Well, Billy isn't my kid and I can't control what he says. You know you shouldn't say it, though.
Sam: Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't say son of a bitch.
Me: Sam...
Sam: Mom, I said I know I'm not supposed to say son of a bitch! I wouldn't ever say son of a bitch!


Courtney and Sam have a little duet worked up to "Deck the Halls". She sings a line, he sings one, etc. It's precious, but the best part of the song is when he says "Don we now our gay dee wedder". I'm not sure what a gay dee wedder is, but it's now on my Christmas list, just in case it turns out to be the next Tickle Me Elmo.

The Diva has spoken at 10:18 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, December 19, 2004 11:03 PM CST
A Quiz
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: She Will Be Loved - Maroon5
Topic: About me
Here's a quiz I snagged from Filegirl, who by the way writes a rockin' awesome blog!

Three names you go by:

Three screennames you have:
that's it. Really.

Three things you like about yourself:
My skillz in the kitchen. I said "skillz" how funny.
I'm a good mom.
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggonit, people like me.
Okay, so technically that's more than three. Sue me.

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
My enormous ass.
The fact that when I get really tickled, I snort when I laugh
My hairy arms

Three parts of your heritage:
Cherokee Indian

Three things that scare you:

Three of your everyday essentials:
My computer
My kids

Three things you are wearing right now:
My brand spankin' new Eskimo Joe's Christmas sweatshirt
New Balance tennis shoes
My favorite wind pants in the whole wide world

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
John Mayer
Trace Adkins

Three of your favorite songs at present:
"She Will Be Loved" Maroon5
"Fathers Be Good to your Daughters" John Mayer
"Merry Christmas Darling" The Carpenters

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months:
To quit smoking - again
Driving a mud run
To quit yelling so much at my kids. I want to be a kinder, gentler mommy and see how that works for me. I probably won't like it.

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
To be adored
To be appreciated
Sex that makes my toes curl and the backs of my knees sweat

Two truths and a lie:
I wear a size 8 shoe
I love chocolate much
Right now I'm so cold my hands hurt

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you:
If he can kiss me and take my breath away, well that's pretty appealing
Arms. Not necessarily super muscular, but they gotta be strong.
Honest eyes

Three things you just can't do:
Breathe someone else's air. I feel like I'm smothering.
Tell my grandpa I have 3 tattoos
Mess with mousetraps.

Three of your favorite hobbies:

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Drive in another demolition derby
Buy Maroon5's CD (but I'm HOPING I get it for Christmas *hint hint*)

Three careers you're considering:
Casino boss
Professional Diva

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Prince Edward Island, Canada
Vegas, baby

Three kids names:

Three things you want to do before you die:
Ride in a hot air balloon
Win at least one demolition derby
Have another baby (at home, no less)

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die a painful death:
Little C
I don't have any other bloggity close friend that I'd feel comfortable threatening them with a painful death if they didn't want to answer a few questions. So I'll leave it at that.

The Diva has spoken at 7:55 PM CST
Drunken blog
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Okay, it's 1:23 am and I am just ever so slightly inebriated, but I felt compelled to blog anyway. I still have a house full of guests yet I'm out here at the computer. And my gosh, the spelling errors that are occuring. Love that backspace button.

Festivus is going smashingly, obviously. "Smash" being the operative word here. We are all having SUCH a good time. I'm on Smirnoff #7. Courtney is on #who the hell knows, but she's telling sex and nekkid stories.

Courtney is now sittin beside me. THis is so fun. Wanna see the Festivus Monkey? her blogWEll too bad 'cuz I haven't moved the picture from my camera yet. You'll see it tomorrow.

We need intervention, to be quite truthful. Two weekends in a row of gratuitous drinking and we look downright addicted. She says it's holiday merriment, not an addiction. I'm going with that. And every time I write "addiction" she says "a dickhead". She is so funny.

Well we're going to blog on her blog for awhile.

The Diva has spoken at 1:30 AM CST
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I am nearly finished with my Christmas shopping! Okay, so Diva, why are you just now doing the shopping for the presents, don't you know it's a mere week till the commencing of the Christmas?

Yes, faithful reader, I do realize this. In years past I have finished my entire shopping quota by the first of November and just pick up stocking stuffers and school gifts closer to the Christmas. But this year we seemed to have purchased a new TRUCK somewhere like oh around November 18th and well, funds have been a tad hard to come by. I managed to talk husband into selling some of his precious Wal-Mart stock, which I know is a poor financial decision, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Of course, I'm hoping soon that that precious Wal-Mart stock will be rolled over into something else, if that's even possible. (*Note: Never give financially unstable and positively ignorant rednecks stock options. They are dangerous with it.)

Yes, Husband has a job interview tomorrow!! I'm crossing my fingers, praying, lighting candles, giving him sex and various other ego-boosting treats, and if I could round up a virgin and a volcano I'd be doing that, too, in hopes that this interview goes so well that by January we will no longer be Wal-Martians. Although, I will miss that hefty 10% discount at the But he really hates working there and frankly, I'm sick of hearing him bitch about it. We shall see.

Tomorrow is another whirlwind day. Oh but first let me tell you about today! I left my house precisely when I had planned to - a major feat when taking 4 children with you. I ran Addison's glasses to her at the school, since we kinda left them here last after she went to sleep and her daddy picked her up late. I dropped Sam at the school, then took Ab to town to get her new glasses and take care of a WIC appointment that I oops, forgot yesterday. Then it was back to school to drop off the girl and back home where I was so productive and organized it frightened me somewhat. I made phone calls, made appointments, contacted people for some Girl Scout things, cleaned off my bar, cleaned off my desk, got everything laid out for the Brownie meeting and had enough time left over to sit down and watch CMT for about 30 minutes. I LOVE accomplishing things! Normally I feel like I'm doing nothing more than treading water and making no progress, but today the planets were in enough of an alignment that I got things DONE.

Then I got my Christmas shopping done.

Tomorrow I have to run back into town in the morning to drop a princess dress at the cleaners. It's been moved from hope chest, to window seat, to KD's bed, to KD's floor and now it's wadded up in KD's closet floor since Halloween. Time to launder that puppy, methinks. Then I have to fill up the van because we have yet another dentist appointment in Tulsa tomorrow afternoon. I think somewhere in there KD and I might possibly find time to eat, although it will probably be in the van. Then we're off to the school to make nothing more than brief appearances at the parties that can't start until 2 and we have to leave town at 2. Fortunately Ab's teacher is letting her exchange her gift just a hair early. Sis is going with me to Tulsa tomorrow to pick up a Christmas present. Bub is picking up Sam from school so he can go to karate and Sis and I are taking the 2, possibly 3, girls with us. After the dentist (I broke Abby's headgear AGAIN, so I'm sure a lecture will ensue) we'll do our shopping then head back home. I'm sure heavy drinking will be a part of my evening once I return home.

Then Saturday is Miss Kady's birthday party and our Glenn Family Christmas. We don't exchange gifts any more, but we adopt a family from the angel tree. When KD's party is over we clear off the kitchen table and the whole fam damily wraps gifts and puts together a food basket. It's seriously awesome family time with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

THEN finally after the wrapping of the presents and the "grownups" leave (Grammy With the Circle Head is taking all 5 grandchildren, bless her angel soul)

IT'S FESTIVUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Diva has spoken at 11:28 PM CST
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Another photo album
Mood:  bright
Topic: Lookit da pretty pictures
Goodness but I've been busy tonight! I promise this is my last post for the day. I'm heading to the tub with a glass of wine and a book....mmmm.

Here is my Christmas photo album. I'm sure I'll be adding more as the holidays progress, but these'll get you started!

The Diva has spoken at 10:35 PM CST
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Warning found on the fender of my four-wheeler:

"Never use with drugs or alcohol"

I promise that from now on I will never drink or shoot up my four-wheeler ever again. Obviously
it doesn't mix with my illegal drugs and alcohol.

I know it means that you shouldn't ride the ATV while under the influence, but to me today it read that I should not freebase or smoke my ATV.

I promise I won't.

The Diva has spoken at 10:32 PM CST
A few pictures
Topic: Lookit da pretty pictures
I've only got a few pictures from the Bash and I posted them in an album for all to see. Christy, sweetie, if you read my blog daily you'll see this and know that I really need you to send me the other pictures! LOL And Courtney, because I posted those pictures of you, you have permission to post awful drunk pictures of me as well. I promise.

Hoover Bash Pics

Bookmark that and keep checking back. Eventually I'll hound Christy enough that she'll send me hers!

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 PM CST
'Twas the night before THAT kind of party
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Twas the night before Chanukah and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a tiger (-gosh, I hate it when them tigers start stirring). The pants were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that Jessica Simpson soon would be there (-I know lots of guys who hope that same thing). The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of escargot danced in their heads. And Mama in her g-string and I in my brassiere had just settled down for long winter's nap (-Mama in a g-string and the dude's gonna take a nap??). When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my loveseat to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a leopard, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. Mars on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature Jeep and 4 hairy zebras. With a little old driver so pink and many (-"many"? Eh, you never know what you're going to get when you ask for an adjective) I knew in a moment it must be Jessica Simpson. More rapid than airplanes her coursers they came and she whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Leroy, now Fluffy Peters, now Gem and Adam! On Jessica Flowers and Festus and Ruth and Bozo! To the top of the telephone pole to the top of the tree! Now dash away, dash away dash away all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they met with an obstacle mount to the sky, so up to the Empire State Building the coursers they flew with a Jeep full of cities and Jessica Simpson, too, and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the screwing and scratching of each little hoof (-screwing AND scratching? My kind of reindeers). As I drew in my leg and was turning around, down the chimney Jessica Simpson came with a bound. She was dressed all in satin from her head to her foot and her clothes were all tarnished with mud and bats (-damn bats tarnishing up everything). A bundle of ovaries she had flung on her back (-IEW!)and she looked like a carnie just opening her pack. Her boobs - how they twinkled! Her butt - how merry!(-wish I still had a merry butt...*sigh*) Her butt cheeks were like roses, her face like a cherry! Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a grub worm and the beard on her chin was as orange as Christy's puppy. The stump of a table she held tight in her teeth and the smoke it encircled her head like John's gut. She had a broad finger and a little round belly that shook when she walked like a bowl full of fish. She was happy and girlish, a right jolly old elf and I boinged when I saw her in spite of myself (-a lot of guys would boing if they saw Jessica Simpson in their living room). A wink of her eye and a twist of her uvula soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work and filled all the vaginas, then pushed with a jerk,(-it was at this point that I could hardly read the story I was laughing so hard) and laying Ethiopia aside of her nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney she rose. She sprang to her Jeep, to her team gave a whistle and away they all ran like a down of a thistle. But I heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight "Shove it up your ass, you stupid skinny bitch!"

Merry Christmas everybody!

The Diva has spoken at 7:19 PM CST
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
"Yes, it's THAT kind of party!"
Mood:  party time!
Topic: It's a good thing
Okay, so finally Super Mom has returned to the Mom-cave for some much-needed bloggin' time. Wow, but I'm a busy girl! After next Monday I have nothing on the calendar and I sincerely hope it stays that way till Christmas Eve. Oh please let it stay that way...

Now, the rundown of the events of the Hoover Bash, the best I can remember them, and not necessarily in chronological order or any logical order at all, for that matter.

Since darlingest sister had helped with the house on Friday there wasn't a whole lot to do on Saturday, thankfully. Paul mopped (Yes, friend Monkey- he mopped!) and even helped me cut the cheese (Yes, BabsI said "cut the cheese" AGAIN *giggle*)for the meat and cheese tray and then managed to keep himself busy playing PS2 all freaking afternoon. But I'm not bitter. At least he wasn't out hunting or cutting wood or somewhere off where I couldn't holler if I needed him, which he has been known to do. The kids took a nap in the afternoon while I frantically typed up the mad-lib for the party, which I thought I had saved from previous years, but obviously had not. That out of the way, I cleaned the bathroom and then showered. Then it was time to shower the kids, get them pj'd and ready to go to Grammy with the Circle Head's house for the night. Paul hauled them all to town and I had roughly 45 minutes of utter silence. It was a good 45 minutes. I even sat down and checked my email, lol.

It started at 6. Six, you say? But Diva, we thought the party started at 7. Nope, not when the life of the party, Miss Little C herself comes traipsin' through the door at promptly 6:00. Hey, it didn't bother me in the least - I honestly thought she was just being a good cousin and coming early to help. Had she not embarrassingly said, "It starts at 7 doesn't it?" after she'd been here a bit, I'd have thought that all evening. But man, was she a great help! I was rushing around playing Super Host and trying to get the meatballs going and she finished cutting up the papers we needed for the Newlywed Game. It really was a great help. Her paper-cutting skills are really developing there in Kindergarten, lol.

All but 3 couples that were invited showed up. Hilarious and slightly insane Cousin Keith and his adorable wife, Alyssa, didn't get to come because it was his company Christmas party, but Chad and Courtney more than made up for the lack of cousins. We started out eating and OH the food! BBQ meatballs, 7-layer dip, cheeseballs, some fabulous dip that Tiff brought, cheeseburger soup, pinwheels, and then the desserts! It was a party-food paradise. After eating we decided there was far too little alcohol on the premises - even though Sis and Bub brought in roughly $91.12 worth of liquor (I just went into my dining room and added it up, lol) - so Tiff and Courtney went on a beer run. We visited and patiently awaited their return. And drank the liquor that was on the premises.

When they arrived with much Schmirnoff for me, and some beer and more somethings alcoholic, we started the ornament exchange. We played Dirty Santa with them and at first no one was going to steal. Man, what a nice, polite group of friends I have! Finally, it was my turn and by golly I stole! Then I got stolen from. THEN the light of heaven came down and shone upon the gingerbread man and God said "Take the gingerbread man and make him yours". Who am I to argue with God-light from heaven? I stole the gingerbread man. By me stealing him it retired him from the game and I immediately took him to my kitchen tree, his new home. Except


Husband knows where the gingerbread man is. So does my brother in law. God's gonna deal with you two as well.

Anyway, back to the party... After the stealing of ornaments, we played the Newlywed Game. 10 questions for each gender is too many, just for the record. I thought that game was never going to end. Bob Eubanks would've shot himself, I'm sure of it. There was much laughing, much blushing, and much threatening of divorce.

Then came time for the traditional HOOVER CHRISTMAS BASH MAD-LIB. Some knew what the story was going to be, but most didn't. All they did was go around the room giving me random words and phrases, then I plugged them in to Twas the Night Before Christmas. Oh my gosh, who knew Jessica Simpson had 8 hairy zebras, two of which were named Leroy and Fluffy Peters. I have every intention of posting the entire story as I read it that night. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

The more liquor we partook of, the more requests there were for karaoke. Courtney is the karaoke queen ya know. And she "will survive". I have the pictures to prove it and they will be posted tomorrow.

Jason called me to the center of the room and proceded to do his "Carlos" impersonation. Something about a magic trick, he was going to make his weiner disappear, then reappear, then disappear again, if I'd just bend over that chair... I did not bend over that chair.

We played a few rounds of "Party Quirks" from Whose Line is it Anyway? Goodness, but if you ever want to laugh till you stop and do it till tears come, ask my cousin Chad (who stole my gingerbread man, btw) to impersonate "Spiderman who keeps losing and regaining his Spidey powers". You can also ask him to pretend to be "Santa on crack". Chandler's mom, Jill, crawled into my living room as a paranoid reindeer, my brother in law was a drunk Easter Bunny hitting on all the women, Courtney cowered behind a folding chair thinking that I, her most gracious and kind host, was going to kill her, but I have to agree with Tiff, the clincher of the night was when John impersonated John Wayne trying on a Speedo. Of course, I couldn't concentrate too much on John because at that point Chad's magically appearing and disappearing spider webs had drawn him to my left leg where he was humping it like there was no tomorrow. It was kinda distracting, if you wanna know the truth. But hilarious, all of it.

Things wound down around 1:30 and by 2:00 I had discovered the disappearance of the gingerbread man. Annoying bugger, that Chad.

Tomorrow I will finish the photo album of the party pics (Christy, have you sent those pics yet? I still haven't gotten them!) and will post the link. And that mad-lib. Definitely the mad-lib.

The Diva has spoken at 11:12 PM CST
Friday, December 10, 2004
Tapioca pudding
Mood:  rushed
Topic: It's a good thing
The countdown has begun to the Hoover Bash. 20 hours to commencement. Yikes.

I love hosting parties, but I'm absolutely exhausted tonight. Having a hard time getting into the spirit of things right now. Thanks to my dearest, darlingest sister, though, my house is virtually clean! She sold out of every item in Santa's Workshop before noon today, shut it down and spent the rest of the day here, cleaning my filthy house with me. The woman dusts ceiling fans! Actually, "dusts" is the wrong term - she cleans, disinfects, deodorizes and God knows what else to those things! I am content to run a broom or feather duster over the blades to knock off the visible dust hanging from the edges, threatening to fall on an innocent bystander. Not my sister - she had me run a sink full of hot soapy water and then I suddenly became her Paper Towel Bitch, running back and forth while she cleaned my ceiling fans. Not complaining, just marvelling.

All I have to do tomorrow is clean the bathroom and do my baking/cooking. Paul is going to mop the kitchen and dining room, although he doesn't know it yet. He's in the living room, snoring rather loudly, possibly dreaming of submissive deer who walk towards you with bullseyes on their sides or perhaps about obsessively cleaning his stupid truck. I dunno about his dreams, but I do know that he agreed to help me out tomorrow and I AM holding him to it and he WILL mop that floor. How do I know this? I am a woman, that's how. Here's how I see it: We have no kids tomorrow night. They are spending the whole night with their Grammy With the Circle Head. He is going to want sex after our guests leave (certainly not while they are here, for those of you who will be here - don't freak out). If he does not mop the floor there will be no sex, even in the quiet, childless house. I have spoken. Shalom.

My gosh, but I love tapioca pudding. Sitting at the computer in your pj's, listening to Christmas music on the radio and eating tapioca pudding is pretty durn wonderful in my book.

The Diva has spoken at 10:46 PM CST
Thursday, December 9, 2004
No clever (or even unclever) title whatsoever
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Another busy, busy day. I left my house at 9:30 this morning and walked back through the door at 3:58, just minutes before Brownies started, which of course is held at my house. My dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and had been sitting there full of stinking dirty dishes for 2 days because I was out of dishwasher detergent and had been for 3 days. I also had another nearly complete load of dirty nasty dishes sitting in my sink. The dining room table had enough dropped food and crumbs under it to feed at least 3 homeless people. The bathroom was bordering on biohazard status. The living room had 4 gazillion toys scattered all over the floor. There were dirty towels piled in the hallway and I'm pretty sure there was a pair of dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, but they're strangely gone now, so I'm thinking my sister saved me from mortification by either throwing them away or hiding them somewhere. I wanted to cry when I watched 'Kenzie's mom walk down my hall toward that nasty bathroom. I'm sure her house is spotless.

But the Brownie meeting went fabulously! I loved sitting in the Brownie circle with those girls, talking about taking our Winter Survival Kits to the women's shelter and talking about our carolling expedition the week of Christmas and hey, 4 of the 5 girls sang their hearts out when we practiced. Mackie mouthed the words and I just KNOW that one of these days we will actually hear words come from that child's mouth! (She is so precious, Christy!) We made 10 Survival Kits, ate Double Stuff Oreos, and had a grand ol' time.

Sis and I spent the day in Joplin, agh. It was supposed to be a quick trip up there and back, but we spent over an hour at the Girl Scout Council office making copies, taking a tour of the place, registering my girls, getting a troop number, checking out patches, buying books and manuals, and just in general getting excited about Scouting. Then it was off to the mall to exchange a few things, pick up a few things. THEN off to the WM to pick up a few things. Notice how we spent the day "picking up a few things"? And we ran nearly everywhere we went. I feel like I run everywhere these days. Like Forrest Gump "I was run-ning".

Now I'm in my pj's, watching ER over my shoulder while I type, and patiently awaiting the arrival of 10 o'clock when it's over so I can go to bed. Oh the flannel-ness of those sheets!

Tomorrow KD and I are staying at home all day until it's time to take Sam to karate. She's going to "wash" her dishes, which is basically her standing in a chair, flinging bubbles all over the place, giggling like a loon and in turn, buying me about an hour of cleaning. Then she's going to write on the white-board, something she's been looking forward to all week. I'm going to turn her loose with the dry-erase markers and watch her go. It's gonna be a good day, I can tell. I love Fridays because it's just me and KD.

The Diva and the Princess. Yeah.

The Diva has spoken at 9:29 PM CST
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
The magic of Christmas
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: It's a good thing

Sunday when she, Sis and I got together here to watch The Five People You Meet in Heaven, we saw a commercial for The Polar Express Santa at Hallmark. For only $9.95 and the purchase of 3 Hallmark cards you, too, can own this exemplary specimen of Santa-dom. My mother is a card fanatic. I, however, am not. So I told her that if she needed to buy any cards I'd give her the $10 to pick me up a Santa. No big. I figured if she went up that way she'd let me know.

Tonight she called at 8 and asked if she could come out for a bit. After making sure things were okay (because it is a 20 minute drive out here after all) I awaited her arrival, wondering what in the world would prompt her to drive out here at 8:30 at night. Well, my enchiladas for one thing. I make some damn good beef enchiladas, ask Tiff. So when she got here I heated her up an enchilada and fixed her a glass of tea. She then asked if she could talk to Paul and I both for a little while and could he please turn down the TV. I thought "Oh holy night, what on earth is the matter, who's dying?" Instead of giving us bad news she told me to type Paul up a cover letter to have them pull his app at the college. PRAY, my bloggy friends, PRAY. That's all I'm gonna say on that for now.

Okay, so the job application cover letter drama over, we visited a while, she looked at my newly cleaned and rearranged bedroom and then said she was going home. She had brought in a Christmas present she had bought for Sam and wanted to show me and when she bent to, what I thought was, pick up the box she squealed (she's as freaked out by mice as I am - maybe moreso) and said "Oooh! What's that?" Well, in my house there really is no telling. So she bent back over again and then I heard a voice say "Remember, the magic of Christmas lies in your heart." and I squealed "YOU GOT ME THE POLAR EXPRESS SANTA!!!!!!!" and then started to cry.

I swear to you I could not help it. I was like a child on Christmas morning seeing THE present I wanted under the tree. I gave her the biggest hug I've given her in years. Why getting this particular Santa affected me this way I have no clue, but I really do like my Polar Express Santa. He's on my bed right now and there is no way in HELL I am letting my kids play with him. I have given up several of my Santas for the kids, but this one is a strictly "no touchy" Momma toy.

Man, I love Christmas.

The Diva has spoken at 10:16 PM CST
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Little C - you gotta check her out
Mood:  happy
Topic: All in the family
I'm telling you, Courtney's got this blogging thing down now! She's gonna be great. Check out what she wrote tonight about my son. You really gotta.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 PM CST
It's Tuesday. Yep, Tuesday. Alllllllll day it's been Tuesday
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
I accomplished SO much today! I wasn't sure how it would go because usually Mondays and Tuesdays I don't accomplish much because I've got the extra kid and well, she's one and a half and well, no one accomplishes much with a kid that age in their house. Except playing! But I knew I had things to do and I pressed on. I rearranged my entire bedroom and dusted it. Yes. I dusted my bedroom. I do that like twice a year. No kidding. I mean, I dust the living room like once a month (the kids will run amuck with the feather duster occasionally as well), but I never dust my bedroom. We live on a dirt road, what's the point of dusting. 20 minutes later it's covered in a layer of dust again. I gave up long ago. But out here in the bedroom, it was a much dusty place. It shines now, lemme tell ya. And between the orange scented Grabits and the orange scented Pledge it's rather citrus-y out here tonight. And spacious! Amazing how just moving your bed and night stands to the spot they were in before that you hated because you felt you had no room can make you feel like there's more space. Now to get the sheets (which are freshly laundered ) back on the bed and slip into their flannell-y softness...mmmm.

Today KD played School all day. Now, they play school a lot, but usually Ab's here to boss them all around. They do what Ab says because she's Ab and she says so. But today K took it upon herself to think up the story line and run with it. Of course, bossing Chandler around. I wonder where my girls get it.... Anyhoo, she came down the hall in her Larry and Bob t-shirt, purple wind pants, Tinker Bell opaque green plastic "heels", Little Bear backpack on her back and about 20 strands of Mardi Gras beads. Why I didn't snap a picture I'll never know. Then she tells me she wants me to be the teacher. Well, honestly I was busy and on a roll dusting and all so I told her that maybe Chandler should be the teacher until Ab got home and I'd just be the janitor lady and I'd clean some more. That seemed to satify her. Off she clack-clacked in her Tink shoes. Then she came back, flipping her wild curls back off her shoulders and waving her arms like the drama princess she is said "Me know! You can be the Cooker Lady!" And so thus began the legacy of the Cooker Lady. Cooker Lady, in Kady speak, is a Lunch Lady or Cafeteria Worker or Elementary School Food Service Technician. Or something like that. All day long I'd be visited in my bedroom by a nearly 3 year old, a 2 and a half year old and a 1 and a half year old and they'd greet me with a chorus of "Hi Cooker Lady!!!" And occasionally she'd come out and ask me "Hey Cooker Lady, when you gonna fix me some lunch, Cooker Lady?" And I'd adjust my hair net - which today was a red 'do rag - and say, "In just a bit, little girl. Right now I'm spreading the scent of orange throughout my bedroom." or some other janitorial-like comment. She'd look at me funny and say "You so weird, Cooker Lady."

The Diva has spoken at 10:44 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, December 7, 2004 10:45 PM CST
Monday, December 6, 2004
If you can ramble you can do anything
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rambling much
** "There's no place like home" was a pretty profound statement if you ask me.
** I look like a big fat plum in the sweats I'm wearing tonight. I hate these sweats, but man are they ever comfortable.
** My head still hurts, although now it's down do a dull, thudding throb.
** I worry that no one wants to talk on the phone to me anymore. I'm so desperate for adult conversation that when I actually get some, I grab onto that person for dear life and talk their poor ears off. I feel sorry for my friends who are trying to be nice, but I know that on the other end of the line they are doing the "blah blah blah" thing with their hand to their husband and rolling their eyes and wishing they'd never dialed that phone.
** It's very possible to be surrounded by people and be so lonely you want to cry.
** I really need to paint my toenails.
** The air in my house is so dry I fear we might all spontaneous ignite at some point.
** I think Spongebob Squarepants is just about the funniest cartoon around. I laugh out loud every time I watch it and I don't care if you think I'm a dork as I walk through my house going "I'm ready! I'm ready!"
** If Jimmy Buffet walked into my house right now and said "Drop your laundry, baby, I'm going to shag you rotten," (Although I highly doubt Jimmy Buffett would actually use the phrase "shag you rotten". Or "drop your laundry" either for that matter.) I'd drop said laundry and assume the position. With a smile on my face.
** I want a cigarette really badly. And a beer. And some chocolate.
** If I don't work on correcting my posture while I sit for hours on end at this computer I will end up all hunched over like my great-grandmother was. *shudder* *sits up straighter*
** I sometimes think about my high school boyfriend and thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him. Then there are times I wonder what it would be like if I had married him. Then I remember that he dumped me and never asked me to marry him anyway. Then there are other times I wonder if he's got more than $20 in his checkbook like I do and then I answer my own question by telling myself "Yes, dear, he probably has more money in his checkbook right now than you and your husband make in a year, you silly goose. He's in computers, you know and they don't have children and he doesn't ever think about you anymore" and that's when I really wanna pimp slap myself for being so hateful when I answer like that.
** Sometimes I think about my high school boyfriend and realize that because he dumped me I now have the three precious kids that drive me nuts sometimes but are so much a part of my soul and my being that I can't imagine life without making those many trips to Tulsa to the orthodontist, life without supplying them with a neverending supply of PB&J and seriously worrying about their nutritional status, I can't imagine never leaning down to kiss my son's adorable little boy head and breathing in his little boy smell and thinking that God probably bottled that one and uses it in heaven somewhere, and I can't imagine not being a Mom so unsure about my parenting skills that I lie awake at night sometimes crying and sobbing that I've royally screwed them up already and I can't imagine not dreaming about the great things they are going to do someday.
** Sometimes I think about that guy. But most of the time I'm too tired.

The Diva has spoken at 10:53 PM CST
A Great Big Bloggy Welcome to...
Mood:  happy

Courtney is the third person that blogs because they started reading mine. Talk about an ego trip. Hey, this is kinda like the five people you meet in heaven. This is the five people you lead into blogging. Christy, I'm waiting on you to said you were going to!

Anyhoo, Courtney has posted one smallish entry, but I guarantee you that there is so much more to come. She's amazing and I cannot WAIT to see what she puts forth. Check her out, say hey and tell her I sent ya and keep checking back!

The Diva has spoken at 7:58 PM CST
Oh the pain
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
Withdrawl from nicotine is a bitch.

Not just your average, run of the mill, everyday bitch either.

It's a raging, moaning, screaming, pulsating, angry throb in the middle of my head.

I'd rather cough and wheeze than feel the neverending compulsion to claw my face off with my toes, eat 40 pounds of chocolate at one sitting and gnaw ferociously on every pencil and inkpen in my house.

I'm doing this for my health?

Shit, I feel better already.

Last time I quit it wasn't this bad.

The Diva has spoken at 7:50 PM CST
I've been awful busy!
I made the blog a little more festive! Geez, like you hadn't noticed, eh? Anyway, hope y'all like it! If I had more knowledge of HTML I'd add pretty little diva-like graphics and such, but for now the preloaded templates with a few minor changes and tweaks per me will have to do.

I also created topics and will spend the evening putting everything in it's place. Like I have nothing better to do...

The Diva has spoken at 2:54 PM CST
Turd story
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I told Friend Monkey to come on over here and read a funny turd story since he posted about a "lone turd" in a rest area's bathroom floor. It must be lonely being a turd on the floor...

Okay, so this guy works for a casino around here. He was at work one night when someone came along and told him that it looked like there was a turd in the floor. Well, imagine. Really. So off they go, trooping to find the turd. Sure enough, right in the middle of the casino floor is a pile of human excrement! So he decided they should pull the security tapes to find who did this. A little old lady on a freaking Hoveround (sings Hoveround! like a Swiss Miss yodeller) was bobbin' along when suddenly she stops her motorized gizmo, shifts her arse off of the seat, lifts her skirt and dumps a load on the casino floor. Then, like nothing happened, flipped down her skirt, scooted back onto the seat and motored off again.

Is that not the most HILARIOUS thing you've ever heard? Okay, well not for me either, but it was still pretty durn funny. We were laughing so hard I had a coughing fit. I nearly slid off the couch and none of us could speak we were all laughing so hard! Can you fathom ever doing that yourself? Okay, Monkey, really that was just a rhetorical question.

I think about it occasionally and get the giggles again, like a freaking 6 year old who laughs hysterically at the mere mention of "poop". I honestly can't imagine. How did she do this with no one witnessing it? Surely the place wasn't empty! And you know she wasn't wearing underwear if she was able to do it like that... *shudder* Agh and the biggest question WHY?????? It's not like it was a case of the diarrhea and she couldn't make it in time. This was actually piled poo.

I just can't fathom it...

What a great place to live. I can see the new signs at the turnpike gate: Miami - Poopy Casino Capitol of Oklahoma

The Diva has spoken at 12:33 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST

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