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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Just take your lower lip and pull it over your head...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Things in life that suck
I couldn't tell you the last time I got a canker sore on the inside of my mouth (Duh, Diva - where else do you get canker sores?) but it's been a long damn time. It hurts.

Last night it got to be too much and I ended up pilfering through the medicine cabinet in search of the tube of Baby Orajel I used to keep in the diaper bag. It's been ages since I even carried a diaper bag, but I couldn't find an expiration date on it, so I guess it's still good.

Now I know why my children would scream uncontrollably when I'd smear that crap on their sore little gums! If you produce any saliva at all while the orajel is in your mouth (and you will, trust me) it is dispersed through your entire mouth. My tongue was numb, yet incredibly achey sore all at the same time! It was not a pleasant feeling. And forget about rinsing it out with water. Oh no, they make sure that shit stays in the mouth once it's deposited there, even if it doesn't stay in the exact spot you smear it.

Once I could sense the feeling coming back to my tongue I figured that the pain from the sore would come back as well, but fortunately it continued to numb the boo boo throbbing inside my lower lip.

Today I got smart, or so I thought, and put the orajel on a q-tip and then applied it. That didn't work. I tried it again. Still, no relief. Finally, I steeled myself for the total mouth numbing I was about to experience and squirted a buttload of that crap inside my lower lip. I looked like I had a chew in, but man I felt nothing for about 30 minutes. Nothing. I think even my knees were numbed.

The Diva has spoken at 5:26 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, January 23, 2005 5:35 PM CST
Oh the laughing
Mood:  lazy
Topic: All in the family
I found out last night that bowel movements are very very important to virtually all Glenns - not just me. Who knew.

We laughed our asses off last night. Oh gosh, we laughed. Stacey, the cousin from NC, brought her precious, quiet little husband who was meeting us all for the first time. The look on that poor boy's face when my mother grabbed him in a full frontal hug was absolutely a Kodak moment. He probably didn't say 50 words all night, while the rest of us laughed, guffawed, hoohawed, told embarrassing stories and just generally were loud and boisterous. Of course, I don't think my Paul said that many words either. At one point, I looked over at them both and said, "I bet you both are regretting marrying into this mess, huh?" And Larry, in his quiet Southern drawl said, "I'm just thinking this explains so much."

Stacey and I are bound by some inexplicable Glenn connection and quite frankly, we are both more than a little disturbed by it. As the evening wore on, the rest of the family became disturbed with it as well. The TV dinner brownies that get all hard and crusty around the edges - our favorites. Quiet husbands, naturally curly hair - we both got 'em. Clumsiness, which I prefer to call our own special style of grace - we're both clutzes. Either Heather or Courtney asked her, "Stacey, have you ever had the urge to drive in a demolition derby?" The room grew quiet in anticipation of her answer. When she said, "Actually, yes," we all exploded into laughter.

Uncle David started telling a story about when he lived in Nebraska and a woodpecker got into his house. Uncle David is petrified of birds. And also, Uncle David is one of the most Godly men you will ever meet. We were afraid after some of the tales of our drunken youth that his ears might begin bleeding. His purity was in danger. Well, after about 4 hours with us, he joined in, in his own way. Okay, so this woodpecker flew into his house and in the midst of his terror he called the cats, thinking they would take care of the invading bird. Well, the bird was hanging on the window facing and the cats couldn't get up there. So Uncle David said, "I threw up the cats." Now, at those words "I threw up the cats" we all collapsed into a cacophony of hysterical, rib splitting, stomach hurting laughter. Cousin Keith said, "He threw two pussies at a pecker!" and we got tickled all over again. He said the bird's beak was "this long" and held his hands up about 8 inches apart. Mom, very dryly said, "Agh, just like a man to exaggerate the size of the pecker." Again, the laughter. It was like that all night. It got worse the more tired we got.

We all so very needed last night. Family laughing together, sharing together and being Glenns and living in Oklahoma, we had to eat together, of course! If laughter really does add years to your life, after last night's comedy, we'll all live to be 150.

Everyone started yawning and we knew Stacey and Larry needed to get some sleep since they're driving back to NC today and I said I wanted to get a group picture. I handed Paul the camera, but then in realized that he'd be the only one not in the picture. Then I remembered that my camera has a timer. I sat it on the mantle and the first picture we all looked like midgets, it was so far away. The next one I cut off Larry and Uncle David. Finally it worked. So the group scattered and I said, "Stacey and Larry, I'd like to get one of just you two." Cousin Keith, in his Queer Eye voice, said "Fine, beyotch! I. am. OUTTA. here!"
and stomped toward the door. Again, the laughter.

Oh the laughter.

The Diva has spoken at 9:58 AM CST
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I hope to one day feel my toes again
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Rambling much
It's so cold that I haven't felt my toes since I went to bed last night. And then just now when I was unloading the dishwasher, I jerked out the top rack and, unbeknownst to me, there was a cup turned up, full of water. The jerking slung hot water halfway across my kitchen and up onto my leg and onto my slipper. Man, it felt good for awhile. That while has passed.

I got a paper shredder for Christmas. Now, we burn our trash, so I wasn't really too concerned about identity theft from my discarded junkmail, but still thought the paper shredder was way cool. Today I discovered a super awesome use for the strips of shredded paper. They make WONDERFUL fire starters!! Throw in a wadded up bunch of shredded paper, toss on some logs, stuff wadded up shredded paper all around the logs and set it ablaze. The kids wanted to make pillows with the shredded strips of paper, but I said, "Back off, ya thugs! That's MY shredded paper!"

Why would they want to make pillows with strips of shredded paper? You would get NO sleep what with the crunching. Those kids just do not think ahead.

Tonight we are having a cousin party at my house. Man, I am so excited. We are all anticipating it with much fervor and delight. That sounded very regal, didn't it? That's me, regal.

Our cousin, Stacey, is in from North Carolina. She and I WE SWEAR are twins or at least hmmm...cousins? Too many things we do alike. It's got us both a tad freaked. Yesterday she was going to give me her cell phone number. I didn't have any paper, so I grabbed my checkbook. Know that itty bitty border all around the calendars on the back of the register? That is seriously valuable note-writing space, people! As soon as I grabbed my checkbook and poised my pen over the itty bitty border Stacey said "OH MY GOSH! You do that too?" She's the only other person I know that uses that valuable space for note-writing. Unless y'all are just closet itty bitty space on the checkbook note writers.

Yesterday was my birthday ya know. I'm all of 32 now. Yeah, whoo hoo. Paul, Sis, Bub and I all went out to make the birthday rounds at the casinos for my $75 free birthday money. I got $10 at the first place, played for 30 minutes and walked out with $10.04. Already I was .04 up. What would the rest of the evening behold, I wondered. At the second place I got $20 and walked out with $15 more. Next place, I walked out with $39 more. At the next place I walked out with $7.55 more. At the next place, the Unhappiest Casino in the World, I blew it all quickly because the vibes were bad in that place. Then we finished the evening at the Big Fancy Casino, where I got $10, played on it awhile, put in a $5 of my own money, got it up to $15, cashed that out and then put in another $5, lost it. There was more gambling after that, but I was tired and kept trying to keep accurate account records at that point. All told, when I walked into my house last night and emptied my pockets I had $61 and about $2 in change. Not too bad considering I only put $2 of my own not free money in the machines all night.

But the best part of the birthday was when Courtney called to tell me that SHE GOT US FOURTH ROW CENTER TICKETS TO THE TRACE ADKINS CONCERT AT THE BIG FANCY CASINO IN FEBRUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm excited, if you can't tell by the gratuitous overuse of exclamation points. I figured I'd used my birthday winnings to pay her, but Paul said that since he hadn't gotten my present yet, and IF I was okay with him not getting me the DVD of Napoleon Dynamite, he would buy the tickets. Total score!

Of course, now he's mad at me for speaking to a man who was sitting at a machine next to me whilst gambling last night. Glad he offered to pay for the tickets before that happened. I asked him this morning just how long his jealous self planned on not speaking to me and he said, "Eh, probably a month, if not two." He sounded like he meant it. Hey, he doesn't have to talk to me as long as he pays for those tickets.

The Diva has spoken at 2:57 PM CST
Thursday, January 20, 2005
What it means to be family
Mood:  special
Topic: All in the family
Tonight was the visitation for Uncle Homer. God bless my Papa, he took it hard. So did Aunt Erma, which could only be expected. They said she hadn't cried until today. I can only imagine the shock.

Most of our family is still around here, but some have branched out. Although, why they would want to do that I'll never know. This is Glenn Country, I'm tellin' ya. Our cousin, Stacy, we hadn't seen since Granny Glenn passed 8 years ago. I hadn't seen a couple of the other cousins since they were literally in diapers. It was so funny to be introduced to family members. I dunno.

Our family is well known and well liked around here. I'm not bragging. There was a pretty big crowd there tonight. Lots of people who may not have known Uncle Homer came for the family members they did know. That means the world to me. To take time out of your busy life to stop by and comfort a friend who's sad and hurting. When the crowd finally thinned a bit, we made our way back up to where the rest of the family was standing. We had gone back to a back pew while visitors poured through. It ended up with Sis, Mom, Cousin Keith (of Festivus underwear fame), his adorable and quiet wife Alyssa, our cousin Kimby, our cousin from North Carolina Stacy and me all kind of standing in a circle talking. Telling stories about Uncle Homer and Papa. Stacy told us all about her and her dad getting into a batch of flea-infested hay in Papa's barn. We laughed at the story about Heather getting flogged by the mean rooster up at the farm and me running so fast I made it to the house long before the injured one got there, screaming my lungs out. We talked about going to the Capitol with Papa and Uncle Homer and Papa making the cemi truck honk at Heather. It was a wonderful time of reminiscing with family.

Papa walked up to the circle about the time we were telling about the round barn in Arcadia that he and Uncle Homer insisted we visit back in September. Papa said to Keith, "Hey, you ever seen that round barn?" Keith, always on his toes, said "Yeah, I wanna try to get in the corner." I thought Papa was going to rupture something. He literally had to sit down in a pew he was laughing so hard. His face turned red and one of the cousins who hadn't heard the conversation, rushed to Papa and asked what was wrong. We all started laughing harder then. It was one of those "you had to be there" moments, but trust me it was a riot.

We are family. We may not talk every week to all of them and we may not get together at every holiday, but we are family nonetheless. It's when times are rough and sad that family means even more. We love each other and would go to battle for each other in the blink of an eye. Some of us are close and I cherish those relationships so much. Some of us aren't, but I guarantee you the family bond is still there.

When the funeral home people finally got tired of us being there and ever so politely prayed with us in an attempt to get us to leave, a few of us walked over to the restaraunt on the adjacent property. Cousin Keith, Alyssa, Mom, Uncle David, Paul, Ab, Sis and me all ate chicken and continued the reminiscing and laughing. At one point Keith gave me a sidelong glance, after just having said something a little on the risque side and goes, "Ooh I better be careful what I say - you'll blog it, I'm sure. I'm going to end up on the blog, aren't I?"

Yes, Keith, you ended up in the blog. Love ya, cuz!

The Diva has spoken at 11:59 PM CST
She's only eight
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Mommy Moment
The other night the phone rang and when I said hello I was met with "Is Abby there?" Well, I kind of giggled, thinking it was my niece, Addison. I asked who was calling. She replied, "It's Peyton." Oh. Okay. Alright. So I hollered for Ab. She had this weird look on her face when I handed her the phone and said, "It's for you." She trepiditiously said a quiet hello and then her entire body relaxed upon hearing Peyton's voice and she goes "WHASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUP?"

I just stared in awe at this creature that a mere 8 years ago emerged from my body, helpless and needing me for everything, relying on me to meet her nutritional, emotional and yes, conversational needs.

I just stood there and watched her twirl her hair around her finger and giggle into the phone. I must've been gawking. She finally rolled her eyes, flipped her head (if her hair was long it would've flung out dramatically from her shoulders) and strutted down the hall and out of my view. As she walked into her room she went "Gaw!"

A little later Peyton asked if Abby could come over. Abby asked and I told her no. It was a school night, I had a Girl Scout leader's meeting plus it was Ladies' Night. Hello, where does THIS kid's mom hang out on Mondays? I heard Abby say repeatedly, "No, Peyton, Mom said no." Then a little bit later she asked, "Mom, Peyton wants to know if she can come over here." I said, "No, Abby. It is a school night. If you two want to schedule some kind of play date (she rolled her eyes at the words 'play date') her mom can call me." So Abby relayed this message to Peyton. Obviously the message didn't sink in to the child's brain and I could hear Abby repeatedly saying "No. My mom already said no." Finally Abby had had enough. She said, "No, Peyton. Look. My mom said no. That means no. I'm not asking again. You obviously don't know my mom."

Now either that means that my child respects me enough that she knows that what I say goes. Or else she thinks I'm unstable and might snap at any moment. I'm going to vote for the first one.

The Diva has spoken at 4:06 PM CST
If I were a beagle
Mood:  down
Topic: Things in life that suck
It's exactly 3:30. I'm giving myself until 4 to complete this post and then I must shower. If I tried to go to the visitation tonight in my pajamas with my hair all freaky wild like it is right now they might either mistake me for one of the bodies in the back of the funeral home, all walkin' dead and whathaveya or they might just tsk tsk and say "Hmh. We knew it was just a matter of time before she went completely insane." So I'm going to shower just to save the confusion.

My husband laid his stinkin' lazy arse in bed till 11:45 this morning. Yes, that is a mere 15 minutes until noon. He's been able to sleep lately, allllllll through the night and I haven't, but funny how he was the one who slept 12 hours in a row. Jerk. I asked him to get up with the kids at 7:30 this morning and to let me sleep a little longer. He said he'd get up "in a minute" yet after 10 minutes of the kids asking me every 30 seconds for food, I gave up waiting and got up. So after I fed the kids lunch I said, "I'm going to take a nap, k? Can you handle watching them?" He jumped down my throat in a not unlike Napoleon Dynamite fashion and said "Gaw! Just GO to BED, willya?" Dude, I SO went.

My nose and feet have been cold all day and if I were a hound, I'm sure that would be a good thing. However, I found it to be rather miserable. I crawled into that bed, pulled up the flannel sheet, thermal blanket and the comforter, drew my legs up under my chin (Yes, I'm fat but I'm still limber, ha!) and closed my eyes, waiting for the blissful slumber to arrive.

It didn't.

The house was too quiet. Now, had I been lying on the couch with the kids, watching a movie, I'd have been out colder'n a wedge in about 2.4 seconds, but noooooo, I was cozy in my bed in the silence. Not sleeping. I squeezed my eyes shut and did my total body relaxation thing that I've done since high school. I start with the toes (that were so cold they were numb) and relax them, then the feet and move up my body, relaxing everything completely. Usually I'm asleep by the time I reach the knees, that's how well it works. It worked again today and I fell asleep.

For 10 minutes.

I woke up because my nose was cold.

I have a phobia about re-breathing air. My own or someone else's, doesn't matter. I can't breathe warm, already breathed air. FREAKS me out. So I pulled the covers up to nose, then tented the comforter over my head. It kept my face warm, but still allowed for circulation of air. Not the freshest air and it wasn't ideal, but dammit I was frustrated and tired of my nose being cold.

I finally drifted off when the kids came in from outside and put in a movie. It was the quiet noise I needed. They no more started playing the theme song to Arthur and I was OUT. I slept about 30 minutes then Paul started sending children back, one at a time, to ask me questions. I told them I'd be getting up soon. I was finally warm all over and hated to get up, even if I wasn't sleeping. Then he came back there and asked "Are you gonna sleep all day?"

Oh I wish.

The Diva has spoken at 3:46 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, January 20, 2005 3:47 PM CST
Wanna know what really bites?
Mood:  down
Topic: Things in life that suck
Being so incredibly tired and emotionally drained that you want to sleep - need to sleep - BUT because you have forty gazillion things on your mind you simply can't.

I put on my comfy pj's thinking that would relax me. It did. But not enough to sleep. I put in a scary movie (The Village) thinking that would well, scare me I guess. That's twisted thinking right there. I started to doze off at the beginning because frankly, it was a real bummer movie, if you want my opinion. But for some reason now, I'm wide awake. Last night I took two herbal sleeping pills because I was drained but antsy then too, and I slept really well. I guess I'm going to have to do that tonight as well. I need some rest. It's frustrating to be this tired and not be able to close your eyes and fall asleep.

We're keeping the kids home from school tomorrow. Paul's off on bereavement leave tomorrow and Friday. The kids are out of school on Friday anyway. We have had no routine or schedule, plus they're feeling a little neglected, I think. So we're going to keep them here with us. Ab's wanting to go to the funeral and I'm very torn as to whether to let her or not. She went to Paul's grandpa's funeral, but she was 4 and clueless. It was just a day to see cousins for her back then. Now she's 8 and has a concept of death and part of me thinks that if she wants to go, I should let her. Mom suggested taking her to the visitation tomorrow night and see how she handles that. Gosh, it's hard being a parent and trying to see ahead as to what might be okay for your child's delicate psyche or possibly detrimental. Especially when your own psyche is dented and frayed a little around the edges.

I'm just so tired.

The Diva has spoken at 12:49 AM CST
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
So hard to understand
Mood:  sad
Topic: Things in life that suck
My great-uncle Homer was killed in a car accident yesterday afternoon. It's a horrible shock to all of us and we're all reeling. My great-grandparents had three kids - Leo, Homer and Edith. Leo is my Papa. He's not handling this very well, obviously. Sis, Mom, Paul and I stayed in at his house till after 10 last night just being with him and his wife. He didn't want us to go. God, it makes me so sad when my family is hurting and I can't fix it. Aunt Edie said to Mom yesterday, "You know, us three kids are all in our 80's and we've never had a fight. Leo and Homer are my best friends." Mom told us that and then asked, "Now, how many people can say that?" Sis and I looked at each other and said, "Not us." That was followed by tears.

I was having a bit of a pity party for myself yesterday afternoon anyway. I had tried to watch a movie and no one would let me. I was getting madder and madder by the minute over things that were so trivial and I was being very immature. Finally I turned off the movie, stomped off to the kitchen to start dinner. The phone rang and it was Mom. I was talking to her about how I'd applied for a job that morning and how I was confused and torn and nervous (I haven't had a job in 10 years) and then just all of the sudden she said, "Someone's here! Gotta go!" I was crushed. She wasn't paying attention to me? How dare. My already fired up temper just snapped and I slammed down the phone, ran to my bedroom, flopped onto my bed and began crying, no sobbing. Now yes, I realize I was acting like a teenager. I don't know what came over me. I was hurt, confused, angry, sad, and I couldn't stop crying. I heard the phone ring up front and I ignored it. I figured Paul or the machine would get it. Ab came in with the phone and I came very close to just telling her to take it to her daddy, but I didn't. Mom said, "Are you sitting down?" Now, normally my rather playful mother will preempt a wacky, wild and rather gossipy statement with "Are you sitting down?" Sadly, yesterday she really needed me to be sitting down because the next thing out of her mouth was the news about Uncle Homer. I cannot begin to describe how I felt at that moment. My poor mother was wracked with sobs and I hurt so badly for her at that moment. She told me everything she knew then hung up to call Sis. I went up front and fell into Paul's arms, managing to get the words out through sobs. Now, that man is not know for his compassion and sympathy, but I will have to give him credit. He was amazing. Keeping me centered, making phone calls for me, helping with the kids... I am grateful to him today. I managed to get a sitter over here, called Chandler's mom and got him taken care of and then we went to town to be with Mom and Papa.

My Papa is a very unexpressive man. I was 20 years old before he ever told me he loved me. My mother was in her 40's before he ever told her. That's just Papa. He's a kind man and very well-known in our area as a good and honest person. Makes me proud to be a Glenn. But to see my tiny, 100 pound grandfather sitting on the couch, looking every bit of defeated and just plain sad, was about all I could take. When he looked at me face-on, the tear running down his cheek just about did me in and I wanted nothing more than to just curl up in his arms and make him better. I am so glad that we were there to keep him company last night. He needed us and we needed him.

The evening was a mixture of laughter and tears. We told stories, listened to Papa tell stories and when Heather told the barrel of chicken story about Uncle Homer we all laughed then cried. We watched the news at 10 and saw what they had to say. That house was suddenly as quiet as a Monday morning church. Then we all cried some more.

Mom needs us to bring the kids in to Papa's tonight. Papa needs them. She needs them. We all need each other.

Please send our family your thoughts and prayers this week.

The Diva has spoken at 9:15 AM CST
Updated: Wednesday, January 19, 2005 9:20 AM CST
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Well that was a sucky thing
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
I did not win my birthday $500 at the Big Fancy Casino tonight. My dreams are shot all to hell. They didn't draw anything more than the usual $500. No five $100 drawings and then a promise to draw for $500 again at 11. AND they must've tightened up all the slots with their ultra high-powered screwdrivers or something because they weren't paying SHIT tonight. Okay, well Mom's friend, Bev - her machine was paying, but from what I could tell, hers was the ONLY one. I felt a little cheated by my Big Fancy Casino experience tonight. But I'm not bitter. I really have no right to be. I plugged their money in their machine, so it's not like I'm out any money.

Friday's my birthday and I plan on playing all the free plays I can possibly manage that day, so hopefully I won't have to blog with near-bitterness then. The way I have it figured I'm going to gamble away at least $85 worth of the indian casino owners' money on Friday and that cannot be considered a bad thing.

When I left the casino I went to WalMart. Husband wussed out yet again and conveniently "forgot" to buy condoms. Now, if I were a mean woman and a particularly un-horny one at that, I'd have just been stubborn and made him wait till he grew a set and bought them himself. But a girl's got needs, too. Right?

My fear: With all this horniness running rampant in our house lately, we're going to end up with Hoover Child #4. It's happened before, folks. It took us doing everything but dancing naked in a field of corn while a fertility priestess chanted something unintelligible towards the heavens, for us to get pregnant with Ab. Then, you get a little tipsy, get a little careless once and WHOOPSIE along comes #2, aka Sam. Then, you decide to throw yourselves a housewarming "party for two" (wink wink, nudge nudge) and WHOOPSIE along comes #3, aka Kady. I'm not sure what we could blame a next one on... a bad night at the casino? That one will be precious in the baby book.

The Diva has spoken at 12:41 AM CST
Monday, January 17, 2005
It's a holiday?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rambling much
Paul just called me from a payphone in town. The banks are closed today for, as Ab calls it, "Martin Luther King J. R. Day". Man, I was gonna be a day early on this month's loan payment! I thought I'd just wow 'em right off the bat in 2005 since I'm usually a week late, lol. Now I'll just be on time. Oh well, I guess that's still better than late.

Speaking of being late, at 8:15 this morning I got the nicest collection call I've ever received! In the fall I got turned over to collections on a doctor bill. Upon receiving the letter I immediately called them and worked out a payment plan, seeing as how I can't just pull $150 out of my ass. That crazy collection agent, Beth, was totally okay with my $25 a month offering and boy, for two whole months my payment was on time. Then the holidays hit and they weren't so on time anymore. It wasn't that I didn't have the money, I was just really busy. I pay very few bills through the mail and it just kept slipping my mind. So for two months that Beth had to call me to get the payment. I made the payments with her right then and there on the phone and wished her happy holidays. She's really pretty nice, that Beth. So this morning my phone rings at 8:15. I was straightening my hair, so I threw down the iron and ran up front only to pick it up after the machine started playing the message. I pick it up and say hello only to be greeted in return with "BWAH HAHAHAAAHHHAHA!!" I thought, wow, someone's feelin' awful happy on a Monday. Well, whaddaya know, it was my collecting friend, that Beth, and she was most humored by my answering machine. So after we chatted a bit she said, "Well, Kristin, you probably know why I'm calling - you forgot to mail your payment again, huh?" So I apologized all over myself - yet again - and made the payment - yet again - right there on the phone. Then she said, "Hey, you just want me to call you again in February?" What a friend, that Beth.

And now I'm sitting here thinking that I shouldn't have acted so offended when my mother offered to pay for me to take a 13-week financial management course starting in February.

The Diva has spoken at 2:55 PM CST
I'm not an elf. I don't live in a tree. But I made cookies!
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Rambling much
I made no-bake cookies first. Then moved on to oatmeal raisin using my Memaw's recipe. I have part of the batter for chocolate chip cookies in a mixing bowl, except for the flour. I'm out of flour. See what all that baking will do? It'll run ya outta flour, dadgummit! I know I have a bag in one of the freezers, but there's so much other stuff piled on top that I can't get to it. It's a two-person job and I'm waiting for Paul to get back so I can finish the baking. I made (or was going to make) the chocolate chip ones for the kids since they won't touch the other two kinds. That's okay - Paul will eat all the no-bakes and I will eat the oatmeal raisins. Man, when I took the first bite of a warm, fresh outta the oven oatmeal raisin cookie I was magically transported back to my Papa and Memaw's kitchen on the farm! Honestly, it was such a strong feeling of nostalgia! Memaw made the best oatmeal raisin cookies and it was even better to get them out of her puppy in a basket cookie jar. Heather has that cookie jar now and says it still smells like oatmeal raisin cookies. Memaw's been gone for nearly 12 years now and it was many years before that the last time she made cookies. When these cookies are gone I may have to go down and sniff the cookie jar...

Paul's out running errands for me today. He really only intended on going to pick up some money he was owed from that remodelling job (so that he can buy my birthday present!!!) and to pick up his drill from Husband #2, but when he said he was going to town I was like "Cool! You can pay the loan payment, drop off the water bill, pick up the rent check from GG and make a deposit at the bank!" I know he was just wishing he'd slipped out the door without telling me. As he was leaving he said
He: (sullenly) Well, I guess I'll go. I'll be back some time around Easter now...
Me: Hey, I appreciate you being my errand bitch today, you know that!
He: Yeah...whatever.
Me: Well at least you aren't dragging two preschoolers around with you! Hmmm...hey you wanna-
He: (slams door)

Tonight's Ladies' Night once again! Did I mention my theory on winning for this week's $500 drawing? Okay, if I did sorry, just skip this part. If I didn't, here ya go, it's really good. A few weeks ago Mom's friend, Angie, won the $500. It was the Monday before her birthday. This is the Monday before my birthday. I am SO going to win tonight! AND next Monday is the Monday before Mom's birthday! Now, yes, I realize that the chances of this actually happening are pretty slim to none, but a girl can dream. Let me dream, dammit! Don't. Take. Away. The. Dreams.

I also have a Girl Scout Service Unit meeting tonight. I'm making Heather go with me. I still don't know these ladies that well. I know, I'm a wuss. She's a co-leader, so it's not like I'm just dragging her because I'm that wimpy. She really has a reason to be there as well.

The Diva has spoken at 2:35 PM CST
And now you know
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: About me
Well, it's long been debated as to just exactly what it takes to make a Redneck Diva. The local bartender doesn't know. I'd venture a guess that Sam Malone wouldn't know. But now, all of Blogdom will know...

How to make a Redneck Diva

1 part intelligence

5 parts ambition

3 parts leadership
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add wisdom to taste! Do not overindulge!


Personality cocktail

The Diva has spoken at 1:54 PM CST
Sunday, January 16, 2005
24 hours ago I was asleep
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Rambling much
Last Wednesday night I fell asleep at 8:30, not even making it through Alias. THAT is a big thing. I NEVER miss Alias. I will fore-go family functions in order to see Alias. If Alias were on a Monday night, I would miss Ladies' Night at the Big Fancy Casino. That's how much I love Alias. Okay, so anyway, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 8:30 that night. Last night, I fell asleep watching a thing on the Travel Channel about the Mysteries of Route 66 (seeing as how I live on the Route and all I wanted to see what mysteries it beheld. Bleh, it wasn't a very good show.) It was about 8:30 when I dozed off. I was in that sleep that is relaxing, but you're not all the way asleep, you still hear what's going on around you, sort of. Well, I heard Paul flip down the foot thing on the recliner and start turning off lights. I managed to get up off the couch, came out here and turned off my computer, took off my bra and laid back down on the couch. It was warm and there was no way I was going back to that coldass bedroom. I just happened to look up at the clock before I took my glasses off and it said 9:20. My whole entire household was in bed before 9:30 last night! I guess we were some tired rednecks. Of course, two out of the five of us are battling colds and one is battling an asthma flare-up. Sickness is tiring I guess.

I have discovered that I am easily programmable. I have developed a Pavlovian response to the sound of my washing machine draining. No matter what I am doing or where I am in the house the sound of the drain sends me automatically running to the utility room to stand on my tiptoes (because I'm short) to where I can see over the back of the washer to the drain. Then I stand there until I see water run up to the edge of the drain hole, hit the button to turn the washer off and then go about my merry business for about a minute. I usually don't get too far, obviously. Then it's back to the washer to hit the button, stand there long enough to make sure it doesn't overflow again and then it's back to business as usual. Until I hear it draining again. This is the life I lead, folks. It ain't glamorous, but it's mine.

It glittered here today! Sis called because Addison had a bad earache and she knew I had an entire pediatric pharmacy in my kitchen cabinet and I would have a concoction that would help. She asked if I had looked outside.
Me: Yeah, it's sunny! Finally!
Sis: Hmm, it's glittering here.
Me: Glittering? Did some fairies visit you?
Sis: Just go look outside!

And sure enough, it was glittering! It was too cold to snow so what was coming down were dry ice crystals that sparkled and glittered like well, glitter!

Just watched the local weather. Supposed to be 51 on my birthday. And no snow or rain! Once I became an adult God evidently decided I'd had enough of the rainy/snowy/dreary birthdays and for years now they've been downright nice days. I look at it as His blessing for the casino runs we make because everyone around here knows that birthdays mean FREE PLAY. Alright, so maybe God's not actually blessing the casino runs...

Tonight at the dinner table Ab said "OOh Mom! Just 5 more days till your birthday!" I glared at her and stuck out my tongue. Paul laughed. She said, "What? Aren't you excited about your birthday??" like it was a deadly sin to not be ecstatic about it. I explained that when you get to be my age the only thing a birthday does is remind you how old you are. Sam said, "Well, at least you can gamble for free!" He worries me with how much he knows about indian gaming.

I just spell-checked this post. For "Bleh" it gave the suggestion of "Bl eh". Alllrighty, then. Someone wanna tell me what a bl eh is?

The Diva has spoken at 10:47 PM CST
Rammit! Rammit! Rammit!
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Abby spent the night at my mom's last night. I met her halfway between our two houses to pick Ab up. Mom handed me her suitcase and a WalMart sack. She had sent a few t-shirts for Paul to wear to work. It also held Ab's copy of Home on the Range

and The Scooby Doo Movie.

I said, "Oh great. We're trying to break Sam of the Scooby talk, but that's okay. They'll enjoy watching it."

It would've been absolutely classic had Mom responded with "Ruh ro. Rorry, Ristin." She didn't. But, if she's anything like me, she drove off then thought of it.

The Diva has spoken at 2:38 PM CST
I'm Wendy, the Snapple Lady, dammit
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Things in life that suck
I'm not saying that Wendy the Snapple Lady isn't a delightful person. She seems like she'd be a hoot to take gambling, maybe share recipes with. But, let's face it - she's fat. So am I. I admit this, don't get me wrong. Yet, today when I caught the last 15 minutes of the first episode of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1, I nearly choked on a huge mouthful of chicken tetrazzini when I saw Wendy the Snapple Lady's stats. She is 5'2". So am I. She weighs the same as I do. Our mind is a wonderful thing, but just like it tends to play tricks on us when we think we hear people talking in our computers, it also makes us think we aren't as fat as we really are.

Here's Wendy

Here's me

Holy shit, I am Wendy The Snapple Lady.

Heather assures me that I am not as big as The Snapple Lady, but she's speaking with love. She says that we carry the weight differently, that's all. Two people can be the same height and weigh the same and not look the same, she says. My gosh, how I love my baby sister.

The Diva has spoken at 2:30 PM CST
Guilty Pleasures
Mood:  spacey
Topic: About me
I got this from Jess at Apropos of Something who, by the way, writes a damn good blog. I also added a couple of new ones that Jess didn't have.

CD I have in my car that I roll up the windows to listen to
The Veggie Tales. It's not that I'm ashamed of the Veggies, but it's hard enough to look cool in a mini-van without singing cucumbers blaring from the speakers.

Book I read flat so no one could see the title
Years ago, the first time I read The Story of O I hid it in my nightstand drawer so my husband wouldn't see it. Now, I could care less who sees what erotica I'm reading - everyone knows I'm a pervert without seeing what erotica I read.

Crappiest song ever sung at karaoke
I Will Survive, complete with disco arm motions and dramatic facial expressions.

Bad movie I watch repeatedly
Dirty Dancing. It's so good, though! In a bad way.

Article of clothing I love though I know it's wrong
My granny sweater. It's a cream-colored cardigan that is bulky, misshapen and downright frumpy, but wearing it is almost like eating mashed potatoes when you need comfort food.

What I order at the bar when no one is listening
Zima. How bad is that? Can you still even get Zima in a bar?

Website I have bookmarked that people might find shocking Told you I was a pervert.

Fast food item I adore
That would have to be the McRib. Man, when McD's has the McRib I'm McHappy.

A TV show that is a good example of the downfall of civilization that I love anyway
The Biggest Loser. We are such a fat society that we now have reality TV about our weight problems. I love the show and watched it religiously, and if you remember correctly, am sending in an audition tape for it.

Music group/artist that I adore with a horny teenager kind of unashamed fervor
Maroon5. Good heavens, I love them. It's embarrassing how much I love them. I don't normally go for skinny guys, but the lead singer is hot even if he is a toothpick.

CD in my collection that I am embarrassed to admit I own, but still listen to and love the hell out of it
Okay, are you ready? Barry Mannilow's Greatest Hits Volume 1. There, I've said it.

List your guilty pleasures either in the comments or on your own blog! Let us know a little more about you! Come on, you know you wanna...

The Diva has spoken at 11:03 AM CST
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Speaking of "Ronsters"
Mood:  silly
Topic: About me
I was just over at Blogliners and found this question. I thought I'd just take a moment to write about my Ronsters from my childhood.

Let's talk monsters... were you scared of a bogeyman under the bed? Did a vampire lurk in your closet? What scared you as a child and maybe still does?

When I was a kid I could not just walk past my parents' bedroom if it was dark. In my mind, and people you know I'm a fairly rational, intelligent person, there was a vampire in there. If I merely walked past the darkened bedroom door, he would jump out and get me. If I could speed walk or even run, I would be safe. Nothing I can remember ever happened to make me think there was an undead, blood-sucking dude in my parents' bedroom, but for some reason I did.

When I was about 5 or 6, I think I was in Kindergarten, my mom had her gall bladder taken out. Back then it was major surgery, not just an in and out thing like now. Her best friend, my JoJo, watched me while Mom was in the hospital. I think our Nana had Sis, since she was barely a toddler. Well, JoJo and her husband were farmers and kept weird hours. It was nothing to eat dinner at 9 or 10pm at their house due to being in the field, a piece of machinery breaking down or some other farm disaster. One night while I was there, JoJo had to be outside for an extended period of time helping her husband. She left her teenaged son, Michael, in charge of me. I was sitting at the table, eating dinner, minding my own five-year-old business and for some mean-spirited reason, Mike started telling me about his pet monster, Herkamer, (How the hell DO you spell that anyway? Hercamer, Herkemer...whatever) and how Hercamer liked to eat little girls who didn't eat all their dinner. As far as I can remember, I wasn't NOT eating my dinner, I think he was just mean and wanted to scare the living shit out of me. He succeeded. I went to bed that night and lay there wide-eyed in fear, just sensing that the dreaded Hercamer was just beyond the wall and that he had an enormous drill that could bore through the wall, allowing him to snatch me up and then devour me, because I was told this was what he did. A few weeks later, after Mom was home and things were normal, I had to go to JoJo's again and I bawled my freaking head off. There was NO WAY I wanted to go back to Hercamer's lair! I ended up staying because Mom busted my butt. That night I told her I didn't want to stay there ever again because Mike told me about his pet monster. Now, you know that my mother HAD to have been biting the insides of her cheeks to not bust out laughing at my story, but she was sympathetic and said she'd take care of it. She told JoJo, I'm sure thinking that she would get onto Mike about scaring the innocent, gullible little neighbor girl. Now, JoJo and I were pretty tight back then, still are today, but man, she totally turned on me regarding the girl-eating monster that her son owned! The next time I had to go up there, she waited till my mom was gone and then proceded to get all kinds of up in my business and tell me that I was a sensible little girl and what was I THINKING, believing that Mike had a monster and she could not BELIEVE that I fell for that! Oh man, was I embarrassed, hurt and MAD! I didn't talk to that asshole, Mike, for a long time. He didn't care. I was five - he was 13. He was probably happy I wasn't bugging him.

Now, as an adult I cannot sleep with a closet door open. Nor can I walk over a drainage grate or manhole cover. Stephen King ruined that shit for me forever.

The Diva has spoken at 6:57 PM CST
I have strange children
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
My two youngest children like to read the phone book. Here's the first problem - neither of them can read. Okay, well Sam can read about Nat the fat cat who sat on Jan and then Rags ran to Dan in the van, but that's about it. Kady is three and is not a prodigy, therefore she can't read either. Yet these two children can be entertained for hours with a phone book.

Sam is lying here in my office floor, on his tummy, propped up on his elbows, flipping through the phone book like it's a freakin' Grisham novel.

Just a few minutes ago he jumped up like he was on fire, flung the phone book in my face, pointed to the page and yells "Ronster! Ronster!" I slowly turned toward him, gave him the blankest look I possibly could, and said "I refuse to acknowledge the Scooby talk anymore, son."

"Rokay, Rom."

The Diva has spoken at 6:26 PM CST
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
Paul and I went to sleep around 3:30 this morning. He got up 20 minutes before he was supposed to actually be at work this morning. Therefore, building the fire he had let go out during the night was not high up on the list this morning. When I finally was sick and tired of hearing my early-rising children ask me repeatedly for food, I got up to a frigid house, no fire and no wood even in the house. Grrrrrrr. If the wood is dry as a popcorn fart and I have newspaper and, sometimes it takes, starter logs, I can build a fire. It's a smokey ordeal, I cuss a lot and have been known to just give up and turn up the central heat. But today, I found some dry bark on the dead wood pile and used it to build a rather toasty fire in a hurry. It's been burning an hour now and I figured it was about time to add some green wood. I just went out to the wood pile, which is right outside our back door, and got a couple of logs, threw them on the fire then went back out to get more for the wood box. I hate running outside in my pj's when it's 15 degrees outside, so I figured I'd just bring in a bunch at once. EXCEPT all of the wood is frozen together. I guess the two logs I brought in first were the only ones dislodged from the mess! The wood he stacked this week was some that had been down awhile and with all the rain we've had, was pretty wet. Obviously. Now I'm going to have to actually get dressed in order to spend the amount of time outside that it's going to take to break all the wood apart. Dadgummit!


Last night we taped our audition tape for The Biggest Loser. It was fun, if nothing else. If we don't get on the show, or even make it to an interview, we at least had fun with Courtney during the taping. She wrote us a song! I don't think she's got a copyright on it, so I'll give ya the words:

(Sung to the tune of "Summer Love" from the Grease soundtrack)

I ate some donuts, I ate some cake.
How much junk food can my body take?
I saw a show on the TV.
I think it can help you and me.

Overweight mommies and sisters, too, but oh there's something we can do.

Well-uh, well-uh, well-uh....yadda yadda, ad nauseum

Tell me more tell me more - How do we get on the show?
Tell me more tell me more - We could even win dough!

Biggest Loser, just wait and see...we'll lose the weight you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Oh my gosh, yes it's corny. But it's HILARIOUS and we really feel like it's eye-catching. They are looking for personality and we both have that for sure.

The tape then cuts to Sis talking about why she wants to go on the show. She almost made me cry! She's so very sincere and heartfelt. Mine was, of course, funny-ish. They said I got real quiet and almost slipped into talking like my mother (The thought!), but it was still touching and of course humorous at the end. Then after that, the tape cuts to us both holding up a picture of all 5 kids and we say how they are our reasons for wanting to do this, Sis says we want to be around to see them grow up, want to be there to watch them walk down the aisle and I cut in with "Hey, we just want to be able to FIT down the aisle!" Note: We are both quite able to fit down the aisle of a church. It was humor, that's all folks. If we get too big to fit down the aisles of the church, well...that's just not gonna happen dammit.


When we were done filming, we asked Paul if he minded me going to the casino with them. He said he didn't care, but in the back of my mind, I thought I was going to pay for it somehow. I just assumed that he would go to bed, seeing as how he had to get up at 5:30. I should never assume when it has to deal with my husband. While we were at the casino, Heather got a call telling her the Melissa's sister's water had broke and they were at the hospital. So when we left the casino at 12:45am we dropped off Courtney and went up to the hospital. Upon reentering the car I discovered that Paul had called. I called him back and he was pissed. After telling me that I was never going out again, like my father would've done, then telling me he couldn't sleep (which was strange) and to get home, I hung up the phone and silently loathed him for being such a prick. When I got home I took off my makeup and tried as quietly as I could to get into bed without waking him up. He was snoring and I thought 1) Yay he was finally able to go to sleep and 2) Yay he's asleep and hopefully won't yell at me some more. I slipped into the bed and tried to not breathe very hard. I felt myself slipping off, relaxing and then out of the blue he goes "Our f**king house is haunted." AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I nearly jumped outta the bed! Not at the declaration of hauntedness, but at his voice.

So I asked him why he thought the house was haunted, trying to stifle a giggle. But the tone of his voice as he described it quickly told me that he really wasn't kidding. He said the dresser pulls had been clacking against the dresser. I laid there in the quiet, listening for the ghost who quite possibly had an underwear fetish or maybe he was just cold out there in the drafty next life and wanted a sweater. I heard nothing. Finally I said, "Paul, maybe you dreamed it." He goes "No! It just takes awhile. It'll happen again, I'm sure of it!" So more listening. By this time it's 2:30am. I feel myself drifting off again. I was so tired that a freaking poltergeist would've had to have picked me up, thrown me across the room and slapped me with a dead pickerel to have kept me awake right then. Ahhh, blissfull sleep...then again, out of the blue, "I'm horny." AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I will kill that man one day, I'm sure of it.

I asked him later (after the sex, because you know if they're awake and horny and 2:30am and you are awake and incredibly tired, it's just easier to give in so they'll leave you the hell alone) "Did the sound go something like this?" and I mimicked the sound. He wheeled around and said "YES!! You heard it, too??" I said, "Uhh, nnnnnno.... Dear, that is either a rattly window or something in the eaves that clacks when the wind blows. It's done it since we moved in 4 years ago. Now can I go to sleep?" He mumbled something about how it seemed funny that he'd never heard that noise before and he'd lived here four years just like the rest of us... and I felt myself drifting off once more.

Out of the blue --
He: What. the. f**k. is. THAT. noise???"
Me: You big baby, it's a train. I will murder you if you wake me up again.
He: ...
Me: And no, we are not having sex again.

The Diva has spoken at 11:20 AM CST
Friday, January 14, 2005
Coffee is so awesome
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Rambling much
I am drinking my second cup of Coffee Squared this morning and I'm feelin' pretty damn good. Coffee Squared is what I call my own personal concoction of coffee with 4 heaping teaspoons of English Toffee instant cappuccino mixed in. Twice the caffeine, baby!'s strong and it's sweet and it's hot and it's everything I ever wanted in a cup of coffee and a man. *grin* Try it - your head will spin, you'll feel your heartrate increase and the world will amazingly right itself before your very eyes.

Well, tonight's the night. Oh! I don't think I've actually told y'all yet. *looks back through recent posts...* Nope, haven't told y'all. Sis and I are auditioning for The Biggest Loser! Yep, we're doing it. Now, I realize that y'all are sittin' there thinkin' "Just how FAT are they anyway?!?" Well, we're fat. Plain and simple. Any fat is too fat, right? I dunno, being a fat person myself, the jury's still out on that one, lol. Okay, so anyway, when the finale was over the other night and Caroline Rhea announced that they are still taking applications and they are specifically looking for families, well my little brain went squeaking into motion. Paul, who has kind of laughed through the whole season when I have casually mentioned that I want to do it, said "Well, there ya go. There's your web address. You know you want to, so go for it." No sooner had those words come from his mouth than the phone rang. I sat straight up on the couch (because I was lying flat on my back, eating Cheetos while watching a show about fat people losing weight) and said "That's Heather and she's going to ask if I want to go on the show with her." He got this weird look on his face and trepiditiously picked up the phone, almost as if he half expected the dead people in my computer to begin speaking through the phone.

He doesn't understand the psychic bond we have, my sister and I. Don't laugh - we do! We will suddenly burst into song together - at the same spot in the song and once or twice have even done it in perfect harmony. We finish each other's sentences. Like day before yesterday we were in the van, talking about something. The conversation kind of dropped off, both of us in our little thought-world then she goes "Well, that I wanna know is-" and I said, "Yeah me too!" and the actual thing we both wanted to know was never actually spoken, yet we knew what the other was thinking and continued the conversation. We are freaky like that.

So it was no surprise to me when he said Hello and heard my sister yell frantically "Let me talk to your wife!" And he goes "Uhhh, I think I already know what you want to ask her," and handed me the phone.

So my darling sister came up with our fantastic audition ideas and we've asked Cousin Courtney to produce and direct it because you know she IS the Small Town Starlet after all and she has amazing ideas when it comes to marketing and stuff like that. She said our ideas were great, but in the video we MUST have something in there about the fact that I entertain like a crazy woman and what a fabulous cook I am and all the while she's saying these pretty words, my ego is swelling to gigantic proportions that would rival the gigantic proportions of my ass. So we decided that tonight is the night. After the boys finish karate, we are taking the kids to Mom's and then the production will begin. We're hoping to just wow the hell out of 'em and make them remember our fat selves. I mean, after all, that's what we want, right?

I'm sure that in my life I've been known for my fat-ness. Like when people say "She's so pretty, if she'd just lose that weight" and "You know who she is - that well, bigger girl with the loud braying donkey laugh? Yeah, that's her!" but this time in my life I actually want people, mainly the exec's at Go Faster Productions, to remember me for my voluptuous curves and all that. (If I hadn't had so much coffee this morning my mind would probably be able to think of more synonyms and analogies, but as it is, I can't do much more than type and bounce my leg and pray spell check picks up the many, many errors coming from my flying fingers.)

Sis and I filled out our applications together last night. One question was "What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?" We were both completely stumped on that one. We were both sadly thinking that we have got to be two of the most boring people in the world and neither of us could come up with a thing. So we skipped that question and went to "How competitive are you?" Well, I am only competitive in certain instances and for the most part, am pretty spineless. So I was torn as to how to answer the question. I hollered into the living room to Paul, asking him how competitive I am. He said, "Well, how competitive were you during the Demolition Derby?" And Sis and I were both like "THE DEMOLITION DERBY!!!!" We finally had my outrageous moment. And my answer to the competitive question. I am pretty competitive when I want to be - and I SO want to be concerning this show.

When we finished the applications, we swapped and read each other's. My sister is so amazing. She's so inspring and focused and well, she's strong even though she'd never describe herself as that. I was touched by her answers. She will wow them with her sincerity. I finished and sat and watched her finish reading mine. She sat back and said, "Man, yours is FUNNY! Why can't Ibe funny? They're going to take one look at our applications and they're going to say 'We want the funny one, but that droll sister has got to go!'" I assured her that no one would find her droll and that they were going to find us the most perfectly complimenting couple of sisters that will fit the spot needed in their show. Here's hoping anyway.

The Diva has spoken at 9:39 AM CST

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