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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Sunday, March 6, 2005
Banners and Blogs
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
Oh BY THE WAY, if you've been diligently searching for my banner on Blog Explosion...well I thank you for looking, friend, but you won't see it. They denied my banner AND my blog because of pop-ups. This is what I get for being cheap and not paying for a blog.

My friend, Crazy Mom, says Typepad is wonderful and worth the money. I did a quick price comparison between Tripod and Typepad and so far Typepad is winning. If I'm going to have to pay, I want it to be worthwhile.

Any other opinions? Anyone? Anyone?


Bueller?


Bueller?

The Diva has spoken at 11:20 PM CST
Everybody's working for the weekend
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: Rambling much
Grrr...had a bunch typed on here and dadgummit it all if I didn't click a link accidentally and the page changed and I lost it. I hate when that happens.
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Before I forget, here's me!
Well, minus the big ass.
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We sold the truck! Well, as of in the morning it will be sold. We go to the bank and pay it off and release the (hounds) lein in the morning. I was so proud of Mr. Diva on Saturday. I wanted to go with him when he sold it because I knew the guy that wanted it was a dealer and Paul's not the best at bargaining. I really wanted to take this old guy on, but Kady was sick and I had to send the man out on good faith that he would be strong. I gave him a pep talk that would rival a high school football coach revving up his team right before the big game. I few tips, pointers and a slap on the ass and he was outta here. The guy tried to get him to come down on the price, but he stood his ground. Yay Mr. Diva!!!!

Anyone need a good boat?
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We had plans to go to The Oklahoma D-Day Facility on Saturday, but what with the truck selling it kind of got postponed till Sunday. I had already decided after getting up with Kady at 5am to watch her cough till she puked that she and I would not be going. I figured all that dust and uckiness would be hell on her already blechy bronchioli, but Mr. Diva was going to take Mini-Diva and Diva Boy and spend the day. The truck business took longer than we anticpated. "But there's still Sunday" was our battle cry.

Saturday night we had Family Game Night in at Mom's. Since we're all working really hard to attain financial peace, we've given up a lot of the former entertaining. Well, the Diva family has - my sister and her husband seem to be making a freaking living with the gambling these days, the lucky dooder-heads.

I was drying my hair when Abby came in, almost in tears, telling me her ear really hurt. Well, with all the snot and whathaveya that's been lurking in her sinuses it's no wonder there'd be pressure in her ears. At her last dr. visit Dr. David informed us that the tube in her left ear was no longer in the ear drum, but was just lying in the canal and would eventually work it's way out. Not a big surprise, it's been almost a year since she had the tubes put in, it's about time to see them come out. I gave her an Advil and told her it'd quit soon. It didn't. 20 minutes later, when she should've gotten at least a little relief, it was hurting worse. I just got the phone and had them page whoever was on call for Dr. David. The PA that called me back was amazing and said that more than likely the viral sinus infection had allowed a bacterial ear infection to set in and since the tube wasn't in the drum anymore, well, that's bad. Pain for Mini-Diva. She called her in Zithromax (KD and Sam had just finished theirs that morning) and some ear drops. Let me just say that it's hard as heck to get a bottle of those drops, but they are GOLD man, pure gold. Our last PA wouldn't give them to me. So to get a Rx for them from a PA we'd never seen before seemed like a huge score. They worked like a charm. We see the ENT in a month and I'm praying that we don't have to have the tubes re-seated. That's gonna be a real pisser.

Anyway, Mom said that once a month now she's hosting Family Game Night. She'll cook and we'll play games and just get back to basics. Well, Mom, God love 'er, was just faunching at the bit to play a new Dominoes game. OH GREAT GOOGLYMOOGLY I WOULD RATHER STAB MYSELF REPEATEDLY IN THE EYES WITH UNSHARPENED PENCILS than ever play Mexican Dominoes again. Four hours of any game, even Cranium, is too much. Yes, four hours of Dominoes. Now, don't get me wrong, the company was great, I had a blast with my family, but oh the pain of Dominoes. Am I even spelling Dominoes right? Is it Dominos? Awhell, who cares - it's a boring damn game no matter how you spell it. Uncle David attended our first FGN and bless his pure soul, I think he prays for us a lot now more than he ever did. I'm sure he wonders just where it all went wrong. God love 'im.

Finally at 11:30 we finished our last game. The kids were all asleep on Mom's couch bed. She said to just let them spend the night. You know what that means:

LOUD THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE SEX!!!

The four hours of Dominoes was a small price to pay. Yep, TMI. Who cares. We had loud sex. Trust me, since the moving of the bedrooms with our bedroom now being in close proximity to the kids' and the fact that our eldest daughter has actually heard things, loud sex does not occur in our house anymore. It was a nice treat. Heehee.
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I slept a solid 7 hours last night. I ate cake for breakfast and didn't have to hide in the utility room for fear the kids would see me and whine that it's not fair that they don't get cake for breakfast. I felt very grown-up. Mom fixed lunch for us. She's on a roll, that Mom. We brought the kids home and Paul immediately retired to the recliner. He had a bad headache and crashed for nearly 3 hours. So much for the 4x4 thing at The Hill. I read while the kids watched Peter Pan. It was very relaxing and quiet. We tried to play outside after that, but by then some clouds had come in and it was downright chilly. It got up to 74 today. It was heaven. And sunny!!

The kids and I watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". Abby really liked it. She likes mushy gushy love stories. She's a cool kid, that Abby. Sam just groaned and covered his face when they kissed. He's a cool kid, too. Kady just sat and picked slap fights with her big brother. She's cool, but not when she does that. After the kids went to bed I watched "Monster". Yikes. What a disturbing movie. I kinda wish I hadn't watched it. She was one twisted chick.

Now I'm just killing time, trying to stay awake till 11:45. Just over 30 minutes to go. The Lucky Turtle Casino in Wyandotte is giving away $10 from 12-5am if you wear your pj's in. I can so wear my pj's and I'm all about the free money, but man, I'm TIRED. Sis and I are going at midnight, then we're coming home and the husbands are going to get theirs then. This saving money thing is great, but I'm finding that we're doing strange-ass things to find free entertainment.

The Diva has spoken at 11:10 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, March 6, 2005 11:14 PM CST
Friday, March 4, 2005
It was Friday all day (Part deux)
Mood:  spacey
Topic: All in the family
I shouldn't have used that title for the previous post. That post was going to be this post, then I changed my mind last minute. And I'm not creative enough right now to think of another title. Thus, Part Deux. I doubt there is a Part Trois tonight, though. I'm getting tired.

Kady and I just hung out today and it was awesome. I stayed in my pj's till 3:00 this afternoon. Yep, shameless. Sue me - I had a headache. She actually wanted to get dressed. Usually it's a knockdown dragout to dress the child, but on the one day we're staying home, not going anywhere, she's all fired up to put on clothes. She has a mind of her own, that's for sure.

I wrote a story for Fizzle n Pop this morning (I hope that link takes you right to it. If not, I'll post my story on here in it's entirety.) and Kady sat in the floor for nearly 2 hours putting together puzzles. I keep them put up in the closet after last summer a little girl I was babysitting dumped the whole box out in Kady's bedroom floor. Imagine 300+ puzzle pieces scattered EVerywhere. It was a compulsive woman's nightmare, trust me. So now they stay put up. This is good for two reasons: 1) They don't get dumped again because I do not let the puzzles out of my sight. 2) It makes the kids really WANT to play with them. That box of puzzles entertained her all day long and I've now decided my youngest child is a puzzle savant. No kidding. She's freaky with the puzzles. She was putting together 30 piece puzzles in like 2 minutes. Yikes. She frightens me sometimes.

We watched All My Children together and ate tortilla chips and salsa. Then I rocked her to sleep. I love that. She's my last one more than likely and I will rock her until she's 12 if I so desire. Okay, I'm pretty sure she's not going to let that happen, she'll start resisting it one of these days, but until then I'm rocking her. I think Abby would still let me rock her to sleep, but the child is nearly as tall as I am, so that's out. Sam never was big into the rocking when he was a baby. It nearly killed me to just lay him in his crib and let him go to sleep on his own. I even weaned Abby off of the rocking before he was born, in anticipation of needing to rock the new baby. When I realized that he wasn't keen to the rocking, Abby decided to punish me by not allowing it with her anymore. Nearly killed me. Kady is a rocker, God love 'er. She'll be 3 1/2 in June and I don't see an end to it yet. Halleluiah. Wow, digression much.

I finally showered and got dressed before the kids got off the bus this afternoon. Mr. Diva got home shortly after they did and boy was he in a bad mood. He swears that lack of sex does not affect his personality, but he lies. He gets really cranky without it. I akin it to my love of chocolate, his love of sex. If I go a few days without chocolate, the world knows about it because I turn into a bitch on wheels. He goes a few days without sex and yikes, we're all ready to move to Cleveland. Men.

I took Sam to karate tonight. He's so damn cute with that karate stuff. And is it wrong that I think I may very well have a crush on his Sensei? My GOD that man is hot. Tall, muscle-y, long hair in a ponytail, moustache and goatee, ooh ooh the best part, tattoo on the inside of his right forearm. I'm telling you, he's hot. Too bad I'm just about 100% sure that he finds my rather chunky physique repulsive. So much for that. Fantasy sometimes beats reality. He might be, like, so limber and rambunctious during sex that I'd find it hard to keep up. I doubt that because I'm pretty limber for a fat chick, I gotta say. ANYway...just for the record, I have no real intention of having an affair with my son's karate teacher. Just for the record.

Mr. Diva and I had coneys from the Sonic for dinner. Wow, I didn't realize just how much I have missed fast food. Not missed it, like a really important part of my life is gone or anything, but like, wow, fast food is sure convenient and I didn't have to cook it. Mr. Diva was still cranky so I flipped a tater tot at him. He wasn't amused. Some people are so hard to get along with.

We have SHOWTIME AND THE MOVIE CHANNEL ALL WEEKEEND LONG!!! You might be a redneck if...you clear your social calendar and stock up on blank VHS tapes in anticipation of free previews on the expensive premium channels. I caught Mr. Diva watching something called "Die Mommy, Die!" awhile ago. I said, "Good grief, why on earth are you watching this? We still have the Outdoor Channel ya know." He said, "I know, but this is free preview weekend, Kristin. Duh. We must watch all of the free movies we can. Even if they suck like this one does." I said that was a pretty strange reason to watch something that starred a woman who I'm pretty sure was really a man, but dressed as a woman, but in a creepy way, like drag queen style. But to each his own.

Tomorrow we're going to Muddy Gras at the D-Day place in Wyandotte. I'm not actually sure what they call it anymore. Is it The Bunker still? Courtney, who I might add is the Voice of D-Day, always just calls is The Hill. Whatever ya call it, we're goin' there tomorrow to watch 'em 4x4 all over the place. Should be fun. The kids are anxious as all get out.

Which brings me to my final thought (Ooh, I sounded a bit like Jerry Springer there for a minute)

APRIL MARKS THE BEGINNING OF DEMOLITION DERBY SEASON

I'm so glad we'll be out of debt soon. I am SO driving again this year. And more than once, dammit. But in order to drive, ya gotta have money. Mr. Diva's drivin' this year, too. You know what they say:

The family that smashes the hell out of junk cars together, is a redneck family indeed.

The Diva has spoken at 11:32 PM CST
It was Friday all day
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I just made myself a couple of banners that should, if the Powers That Be allow it, run on Blog Explosion. That means BLOG TRAFFIC. I'd love to share them with you, but I can't seem to get them to show up on here. Go figure. I have just enough knowledge to make me dangerous. Tonight, though, that knowledge isn't worth crap.

If y'all are here via Blog Explosion, or better yet, because of my banner ad that you saw on Blog Explosion, will you let me know in a comment?


The Diva has spoken at 10:38 PM CST
Updated: Friday, March 4, 2005 10:51 PM CST
Thursday, March 3, 2005
Life happened
Mood:  lucky
Topic: All in the family
When I tucked Kady in last night, I leaned down to kiss her and felt my lips sizzling upon touching her little forehead. That is never a good thing. I took her temp and it read 101.8. But at the time I didn't treat it. She hadn't complained that she was achey or cold, she wasn't chilling and I figured it was there for a reason. I tucked her in and left the bathroom light glowing into the hall so if she needed me, she had a clear path. By this time, Mr. Diva was sound asleep in his recliner, so I did what any woman would do - I took over the whole entire bed. I felt like the freaking Queen of Sheba, all propped up on my three pillows.

By 1:30 Kady was awake and crying. Oh yeah, and she was barking like a baby harp seal. Oh the rattling, wheezing and God-awful noises coming from that child. I gave her some cough medicine, some Tylenol and put her in bed with me. There we slept the rest of the night, both of us propped up, in all of our royal glory. We got up at 6:30 and she seemed much better. For about 5 minutes. Then she started coughing and couldn't quit. I filled the nebulizer up, sat her in her daddy's chair and proceded to wake up the other two kids. They got on the bus at 7:20. I checked on Kady and discovered that again, she was burning up with fever. I called the doctor's office at 7:25, a full five minutes before they actually opened, but prayed someone would answer. They did. Mind you, it's 7:25, I have spent the last hour getting two kids off to school and making sure the other one can breathe. I am still in my pj's. And the nurse says they have one appointment. One. If I don't take it, it'll be Monday before he can see her. That appointment was for 8. I said, "I'll be there," hung up the phone and took off down the hall, stripping off pajamas and frantically searching for some sweats. I washed my face, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, slapped a little foundation and mascara on, grabbed some sweats for KD, pulled her hair back in a ponytail, filled a sippy cup for her (And let me tell you what - she thought she was in hog heaven, drinking out of a sippy cup. She hasn't used one since she was 1. The only time she gets one is when she's sick. She took full advantage of that thing today - she's probably overhydrated now, lol.) and flew out the door at 7:45. 15 minutes and I even looked human and only slightly like white trash.

One listen to her raspy lungs and Dr. David announced that a certain three year old would be leaving his office with a prescription. She has asthmatic broncitis. Which means her asthma is acting up and she developed bronchitis in the midst of it all. Great. So while he had his little magic medicine pad out, I told him how Sam sounded. That he's coughed for 4 weeks, but now when he coughs, there's an added note at the end. He wrote him a Rx for the same high-powered, extremely expensive antibiotic, too. He also said that KD's immune system is seriously depleted and to keep her away from people as much as possible and for the love of God, keep her out of Wal-Mart. Nothin' doin', Dr. David. I can SO do that. I hate that place now that they've deemed me unemployable. But I digress.

I called Jill to tell her that KD was sick and that it was up to her as to whether she brought Chandler over the rest of the week. She opted to keep him away from the plague house. Can't say I blame her.

I dropped off the Rx's at the pharmacy and rummaged through my purse for my Entertainment envelope. I had $5 left for indulgence and by golly, when you have asthmatic bronchitis I think you need a donut. So a donut KD had. She thought she was all that. Then the nice pharmacist gave her not one, but TWO color books. She practically glowed back there in her carseat. A sippy cup, a donut and TWO color books. How much better can it get? Oh yeah, to not have asthmatic bronchitis would definitely be better.

We came home and she went immediately to the couch. Then she colored awhile. Then she played with her InteracTV awhile. Back to coloring. Back to the couch. Leggos awhile. Laid in the kitchen floor awhile while I made cornbread. All the while she shook because the kid was pumped so full of albuterol it wasn't funny. She really never has complained about it making her shake, but it's unnerving to watch her do it. Finally she slept. For a whole 45 minutes. Bless her heart.

While she slept I put together the few things I needed to do before Brownies. Thankfully Heather had agreed to do the meeting today. We planted things, which I am just simply awful at. I missed that gene somewhere along the way. I vacuumed while holding KD. I made a cake while holding her. I swept the kitchen floor while holding her. I did make her sit on the couch while I dusted because I figured breathing in the stirred up dust was probably a bad thing. I finally sat down with her and just held her. She liked that. And to be honest, so did I.

Mom, God love her, picked up my one town Brownie, brought her out here then basically just kept KD entertained and away from the general population while we Brownie'd our little hearts out. The girls planted onions, peppers, watermelon, lettuce, tomatoes and some other vegetable that none of them will eat. But they enjoyed it. I also managed to unload the rest of the cookies on Magnet Lady. God love you, Magnet Lady.

After the Brownies left, the family stayed and we ate brown beans and cornbread and for dessert, chocolate cake. Sis and the kids left first, Mom stayed awhile, playing a game on my computer.

When she finally got up to go she said, "Man, I'm cold." I replied with, "Man, I got the farts." Mom laughed and said, "Oh yeah? Like this?" and just pooted ever so quietly. I said, "No, more like this," and I SWEAR to you, I really intended to just poot a little. But what emerged was a bun-rattling cacophony that reduced my mother to a bent-over position, crying and holding her stomach from laughing so hard. Then I got tickled and lost my breath and then Mom felt compelled to run in and tattle to my husband that I had just peeled the paint off the toyroom walls.

Agh, I just heard noise in the kitchen and see that Mr. Diva is eating another bowl of beans. Man, for once I am glad I'm pulling sick kid duty tonight and he is sleeping on the couch.

The Diva has spoken at 10:47 PM CST
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
This being sick is for the birds
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I did 8 loads of laundry today. We now have clothes to wear. Clean ones at that. The children weren't quite sure what to think when they went to the laundry basket to find their socks and underwear and they weren't there. I had to show them again where their dressers are. Husband can now also quit wearing my socks. I just wish there'd be a reason for him to take his shoes off at work one of these days and then he'd have to show everyone the pink "Hanes" written across the toes of MY socks on HIS feet.

I cleaned my office. This was no small feat. I vacuumed it as well. The bag was bursting after I swept my very small 6x8 office. The stupid thing was full of the little slips of paper they put in Hershey's Kisses. heehee. And I actually have to wonder why my jeans are so snug and why the stretch jeans that I swore I'd never wear are now my best friends. I can't help it. It's just too easy to sit here and pop those things into my mouth while I blog. Too damn easy.

I discovered that there actually IS a writing surface to my desk today. Then, because I was so proud of the fact that I discovered that beautiful surface, I sat there and wrote my name on probably 46 Post-It Notes. Talk about a waste. Talk about juvenile. It was like junior high all over again. I wrote it in print. In all caps. In flowing, fancy script. In bubble letters. With hearts over the i's. Backwards. Upside down. With my maiden name. Then I wrote all my kids' names. In print. All caps. Flowing fancy script, etc etc. I can waste more time...and ink. And Post-It Notes. But the writing surface worked well. I was much impressed. Who knew desks were good for writing?

Tomorrow I begin tackling my paperwork for my taxes. I am so excited I could just tinkle. And I am so being sarcastic it's probably pretty evident. 2004 is THE LAST year we file long form on any kind of small business. Halleuiah. It will be so nice to file online next year. Without the aid of an accountant. I'll miss him, he's a great guy, but his services will not be needed in 2005. I hope.

We got 3 calls on the pickup last night in a span of about 30 minutes. Nothing all day today. Then when Mr. Diva got home, his brother called. The kid who lives across the highway from where the truck is sitting has been over to visit it multiple times. Paul's brother said that by Saturday it should be sold, the kid's wanting it bad and is getting the money. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Kady is wheezing and coughing like crazy, bless her heart. She kept me awake all night last night. Okay, I should rephrase that. She didn't keep me awake that much because I couldn't sleep anyway. The only way I can breathe and not cough is to sleep sitting straight upright. Not possible in the bed, so I prop myself up best I can. It works pretty good. Except for the fact that it kills my neck and back. And Mr. Diva and I are habitual spooners in bed - even when we are fighting, we spoon - so when he'd try to spoon he'd end up with his face right about my belly button level, which obviously didn't feel quite right, so then he'd squirm around till he got up onto my mountain of pillows and made it all tip over and if I happened to be in a rare moment of sleeping I'd wake up feeling like I was falling. It was a long damn night. Poor Kady was up and down, I was up and down...we should've just gotten up and played Nintendo or something. Or at least we could've watched Insomniac Music Theatre together. She likes VH1. She's a good kid, that Kady.

And Paul took the last of the Nyquil this morning before he left for work. I nearly had a panic attack when he told me he took Nyquil during the day. In a state of panic and nearly hyperventilating, I screamed, "GOOD LORD MAN WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING?? FOR ONE THING, YOU SAVE THE HAPPY MEDICINE FOR NIGHT TIME. AND FOR ANOTHER, YOU SAVE THE LAST NYQUIL FOR YOUR WIFE WHO IS ALWAYS SICKER THAN YOU ARE. YOU HAVE NOW RUINED MY DAY AND I'M NOT SURE I CAN CONTINUE LIVING NOW. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT." Normally he'd have been all defensive and hateful and all like "Who gives a shit" but noooo, he was already feelin' happy from the Nyquil. He was off in his happy place and he could breathe and he probably couldn't feel his fingers either. Sure hope none of you had your cars worked on at the Miami Wal-Mart today. If you did, you might wanna check those lug nuts.

The Diva has spoken at 10:12 PM CST
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
You gave yourself a what?
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Rambling much
Well, tonight I finally did it. I gave myself a PLASTECTOMY. Yep, I cut up my credit cards. The end of an era has arrived. Never again will I have one. My hands literally shook while I did it (in front of a class of about 20 people) and there was a strange sense of panic about me as the ginormous scissors approached the small piece of defenseless plastic.

I cut up the Discover card first. It was the one I've had the longest, the one I swore I was going to keep forever because Sam's Club takes Discover and nothing else and what if I want to buy 40 gallons of mustard or something and have no cash? No kidding, this was my thinking. But since that beyotch from Discover made me cry last week, I suddenly have developed this ease in making the separation. Go figure. Okay, so back to the cutting up of the cards...I snipped that Discover card right in two. There lying on the table, right on top of my sister's 14 cut-up credit cards, were the two halves of my oh so precious Discover card. Good-bye 40 gallons of mustard on credit. Even if I would've earned 1% cash back.

Then I cut up the Mastercard. I had no problem cutting that one up. Even though there is a hefty balance on it, that account hasn't been open for 2 years. The really nice folks at Sears closed that account for me. How considerate of them. I didn't even ask.

The last one to go was the Lane Bryant card. No more buying bras and cheeky panties on credit. From now on, if I need underclothes I pay cash. Thank God I bought up a bunch of 'em last time I was in there. I have enough cheeky panties to get me through till Jesus comes back. And then, I'll get my new heavenly body and my ass will be a lot smaller so I can shop at Victoria's Secret then.

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In lieu of my normal sarcastic Post-Ladies' Night check the box post, I'll just tell ya right here: I didn't win shit at the casino last night.

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Today I attended the third funeral I've been to in 6 weeks. How crummy is that? This one was for the father of a dear friend of mine from grade school. They moved to Tulsa when we were in 6th grade, but we've stayed in touch off and on since then. She came back to town when we had a (rather small) 5 year class reunion and even attended our 10 year reunion. She was shocked that I was there today, but truthfully, I couldn't imagine not being there.

Mom and I went to the funeral together and my gosh, how I love that woman. She is honestly my best friend. (Okay, so she ties with Heather, but I'm still lucky to have two best friends.) She asked me before we got out of the car to go into the chapel if I needed tissues. I said I didn't, because honestly it'd been probably 20 years or more since I'd seen Butch and I was there for Jamie, plain and simple. I didn't foresee tears. Oh but the tears came regardless. By funeral's end my mother and I sat there with tears streaming down our faces and nothing to dab them with.

In the parking lot, after the service, while we were waiting for the family to come out, I was telling Mom that I really wasn't enjoying the number of funerals I was attending these days. In six week's time 5 people I know have passed away. Mom said that Papa has always said that when the sap rises and falls, you'll attend more funerals. I asked her what that meant. She said that the old folks say that in the spring when the sap is rising, more people die. In the fall, when the sap starts to fall, again the same thing. Who knows why, it just happens. Papa even said this to a funeral director in town who wholeheartedly agreed with him. He said there is a period of time in the spring and fall both where they are inundated with business. How strange eh? Have any of y'all ever heard of such a thing? I'm kind of believing it, seeing as how things are going.

I called my best friend from grade school, DeLisa, last night to tell her about Jamie's dad. DeLisa and Jamie and I were all in Brownies together and I knew she'd want to know. Unfortunately she couldn't get a sub for her class that last minute and couldn't attend the funeral, but asked that I tell Jamie she wanted to be there. She made a comment that really struck me and pretty much said exactly how I was feeling. Something to the affect of how if this what being a "grown-up" is like --attending more funerals than weddings, facing your parents' mortality and possibly coming to grips with our own mortality, watching people you love grow old -- this is a part that pretty much sucks. Okay, so I'm the one that said "sucks" because DeLisa is much too pure to say that, God love 'er.

It's very difficult to sit in a funeral home and say good-bye to someone your parents' age and not be affected by it. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, to be honest. And I told Mom that very thing.

I love my Mom so much - while I sat there crying in the passenger's seat of her car, she said "Well, I'll just tell you girls something right now. When I die, don't you dare go out and buy me something new to wear in the casket. Go to my closet and pick out something old from in there. Maybe even something that was a little too tight while I was alive. 'Cuz you know they just slit it up the back anyway. Then I'd actually be able to fit back into it again. Oh! And make sure they tape my boobs up nice and perky and show a lot of cleavage. Because when all the men walk by to view my body, I want them to see what they missed out on." It's hard to cry when your mother is saying something like that. I was snorting and snotting all over the place by then.

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Last night at Ladies' Night, I commented to Mom and Angie that I sure hoped I won the $500 soon. I am wanting to take another "selfish vacation" to Branson in April to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Angie, who is a whole lot of redneck, said, "What the hay-ell (translate: hell) is a techni-whatever you said?" I laughed and explained that the show is a Broadway-style musical about the story of Joseph and his coat of many colors from the book of Genesis. She was unimpressed. I said, "Well, in the Broadway run, Donnie Osmond played Joseph," with all the hoity-toityness I could muster. She remained unimpressed and even sniffed in disapproval. I said, "Dammit, Angie! My husband won't take me and I just WANT to go!" She said, "And the tickets are $500??" I said, "Good grief no. $500 would just allow for me to spend a few nights there, see the show and do some shopping." She said, "Sister, you give me a hundred bucks, I'll buy you a six-pack of beer and show you a better time than Donnie Osmond ever could." I said, "It's a musical, Angie." She said, "Gimme a hundred more and I'll even sing for ya." Man, I hope I win the $500 soon. Rest assured that I will not be giving Angie $200 to get me drunk and sing to me, though.

The Diva has spoken at 10:06 PM CST
Monday, February 28, 2005
It's a freakin' box already
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
I just logged off the computer and walked into my living room to find my husband sitting in the recliner watching my three kids and Chandler play with a box. A huge box that my Tupperware order came in. They have every throw pillow off of the couch and big chair and an enormous box and they are insanely deliriously happy. I looked at Paul and said, "That's it. At Christmas time we are not buying toys. Only boxes." The kids all stopped in mid-jump/wrestle/roll and looked at me, completely silent. Then it was like someone hit the "play" button again and they all yelled "YAY!!! BOXES! WE GET BOXES FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!" Then Chandler grabbed a pillow, tackled it with all of his teeny tiny 36 pounds, then looked up and said, "Kiki, can I have a pillow, too?"

The Diva has spoken at 5:23 PM CST
Monday again. Ho Hum. Running out of cute Monday titles. Obviously.
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
I got up at 4am. That is just wrong, people. I'm pretty sure that the world outside my house was actually stopped at that unGodly hour. I don't think any motion occured until 5:30. I'm pretty sure anyway.

I left my house at 5:45am. I picked up my sister, niece and nephew at 5:55am. We left for Tulsa at 6:15am. We arrived in Tulsa at 7:15am and absolutely had to pull over at a truck stop/travel plaza/get anything you'd ever want to eat in one city block kinda place to pee. Addison and I were desperate. Upon leaving the McDonald's we ran across the parking lot and my daughter, being the graceful Olive Oyl look-alike she is, tripped over a curb and went sprawling onto the grass below. We laughed. A lot. She laid there in the dried grass, coat askew, gangly coltish legs in a rather creepy weird position, giggling her head off. At least the poor thing can laugh at herself. I always could, too. Like when I fell up the stairs going out of the old bandroom in junior high. More than once. I always have been able to laugh at my pathetic, clumsy-ass self. It's a gift.

We arrived at the dentist's office at 7:30 and only had to wait 15 minutes before they opened the door. We knew there was no way they'd actually see us that early, but at least we could let the obnoxious children out of the confines of the van. It was 7:45, the children had been up since 5:30 and they were so hyper I was fearing their heads were going to spontaneously combust at any second.

On the upside, the dentist was able to actually wiggle one of my daughter's molars. I gasped when he showed me proudly how that sucker just moved under the command of his shiny, pointy dental instrument. I said, "Oh no! She's not supposed to lose THAT one!" He laughed and said that the fact that the tooth is mobile is a good thing and patted me on the arm while I tried to quit hyperventilating. He said that means her headgear is being worn enough that it's actually moving her teeth. 'Bout damn time. By the time school starts in the fall she should be to where she'll only have to wear it at night. For the rest of her life. Oh well. By damn, she'll have pretty teeth.

My niece threw the most dramatic fit I've ever seen today before and while they cleaned her teeth. She is quite the drama queen. God lover 'er. She just likes to be dramatic, plain and simple. It unnerves my sister, because frankly it is kind of embarrassing. But seeing as how she isn't my child, I can turn my head and snicker shamelessly. I swear that child's going to end up on Broadway. Or at least Jerry Springer.

The boat is now safely anchored at my father's house. Right smack dab on the highway. The highway that leads right to the river. Halleluiah. The truck is now safely listed at sharpcar.com as well. Didn't even know such a place existed. Apparently at Ken's Farm and Home, they only had one particular kind of For Sale sign. It had a link at the bottom for sharpcar.com. Upon perusal of the sign and then the website, you get a free listing with the purchase of the .98 sign. Wow wow woweeee. It's listed. It may not get us a thing, but it's listed. It's also going to take a small trip to Wyandotte tonight to a guy's house who has an uncanny knack for selling vehicles. He sold Paul's nephew's truck in 3 hours. If only we could be that lucky.

My husband and his eating schedule on his days off are going to be the death of me. He eats at the complete opposite times the rest of the house does. The kids and I eat lunch every day at 11:30. Every day. He will undoubtedly, every day he's off, fix a huge breakfast at like 10:30. Then be hungry again at 4:00 and fix a sandwich. So then when I'm ready to make dinner at 5:30, he's not hungry. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. But if I don't make dinner, then by 7:00 he's pissed because there's nothing to eat. This has to end. I will be forced to murder him if it doesn't stop.

But I must say...he's wearing a turtleneck today. And he has always looked damn fine in a turtleneck for some reason. Until I met him and married him, he never wore anything but western shirts (Brush Poppers were at the height of fashion when we met)or t-shirts. So using my feminine wiles I convinced him to branch out to henleys, turtlenecks and Polo-type shirts. But the one that wins, hands down, is the turtleneck. Although...in the summer a tank top is pretty fine as well. He has a really sexy tribal type tattoo on his right bicep/tricep. Hubba hubba y'all. I love his arms, gotta say. Whew! I need a cold drink. And a cigarette.

Well, I'm off to make dinner! Even though he's not hungry. Grrrrr. It's Ladies' Night, though! So at 8:30 I'll be heading off to town to not win any money! Life is good.

The Diva has spoken at 5:14 PM CST
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Just some good ol' boys
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
In my brief moments of lucidity today I have managed to watch quite a bit of the Dukes of Hazard marathon on CMT. That was one good show. When I was watching them Duke boys as a child, obviously jealous of Daisy's ability to show her stomach AND wear pantyhose with shorts, drooling over Luke (No, I wasn't in love with Bo. I think I was like the only girl not in love with Bo.) and thinking how utterly cool it would be to have a car like The General Lee, I had no idea that when I grew up I would be redneck just like them. No idea at all.

My kids have had no desire to watch ANY of The Dukes of Hazard. What is WRONG with these children?

The Diva has spoken at 8:09 PM CST
Good heavens
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Rambling much
Has is really been since Thursday since I posted? I am so sorry! I realize that most of the world can go about their business without reading my daily musings and ramblings, but it seems that there are at least three of you who need me! Little C (aka Cousin Courtney), Magnet Lady, and Jersey Girl need me! When I don't post, they miss me. Magnet Lady told me that very thing last night while I was sitting at her computer helping her learn the ropes of the almighty blog. Then Courtney comments today that she's worried because I haven't posted in so long. Jersey Girl has just stated before that she reads me daily, so I'm going on faith that she still does, lol. I honestly did not realize it'd been since Thursday. Amazing how times flies when you sleep through it.

See, I haven't had the energy to do anything but sleep lately. It's been bad. I'm starting to worry myself.

Friday I took Ab to the doctor (Btw, it's a viral sinus infection, therefore there's nothing to be done but treat the symptoms. Dammit.) Then ran a few minor errands, had a lunch with Heather (I will SO post about that fiasco possibly later, if I'm still awake.) and then came home. I put the kids down for a nap and crashed myself. An hour and a half of restful bliss I had. Then we picked Sam up off the bus at 3:45, went back to town, dropped Chandler off at the bank, got that poor Sam a haircut, (The barber said that was the most hair he'd ever seen on that kid and he's been cutting his hair since Sam turned 1), then delivered Papa's GS Cookies, visited with Mom (she gave the kids a snack, too, God love her) then went to karate. Poor Ab opted to stay with me rather than go with her daddy, as originally planned, but about 30 minutes after her Daddy headed home she said she was regretting that, her ear was hurting. Not much I could do at that point, poor kid. We skipped Wal-Mart, which meant that we now had NO SOAP in the house for Paul's shower. I managed to find a motel bar in my travel bag. He looked at it and said, "Well, this'll work for one arm." Jerk. He works at Wal-Mart, he knows precisely where the soap aisle is. Anyway, we came home, put the kids to bed and then Paul and I watched a movie. I'm surprised I stayed awake through it, but it was pretty riveting and it was about weather, with is a serious love/fetish/obsession of mine. The Day After Tomorrow is what we watched. It was creepy. Not scary, just disturbing in a "holy crap that could really happen" kinda way. Then it was 7 hours of Nyquil induced slumber. I think I'm becoming an addict.

Saturday I slept till the late hour of 7:30, got around, then the kids and I went to Wal-Mart. Good Lord in Heaven, they must've sent every mumbling octagenarian a plethora of dollar-off coupons and then sent the Pelivan out to get 'em all, because the store was positively brimming with OLD PEOPLE. God love 'em. I know I'll be old someday and I dearly love my own old people, but when you are fighting a sinus infection, dragging three snotty, sneezing children, all three of which have money they are simply dying to spend, you don't feel like waiting on Grampa Harold to decide which fiber-rich cereal he needs for his irritable bowel. God love 'em.

We got back home around 1, I made the kids get blankets and pillows, threatened them to lie down and not move, popped in a movie and slept while the children laid in the floor in front of me, afraid to breathe and move enough to incur my wrath. I felt better when I got up, made some dip because we had plans to go to Magnet Lady and Mr. Magnet's house for dinner. A real live grownup type dinner! Okay, so the kids were gonna be there, but still it was other grownups! Paul was even excited and he doesn't get excited about much. The Magnets are our camping buddies and we love those magnetic folks dearly. Dinner was a smash. Mr. Magnet grilled up some "moist" (There I said it, ML! LOL) burgers, we had chips, dips, yummy beans and even though Magnet Lady said her coleslaw tasted like dog poop (that's a direct quote, btw) I liked it. She shared some magnificent hand scrubby, sea salty stuff with me and my hands were so soft I wasn't sure they were mine for awhile. Of course, that feeling of surreality might've been the Nyquil... Anyway, we started watching Saw, which was super creepy, then Paul leaned over real quiet and said, "Are you ready to go?" I said, "Uhh, not really...I thought we were going to watch this movie." And I was almost pissed off because I never get to spend time with grownups anymore and dammit, I was having FUN, but when I looked over at him, I knew there was a reason he was wanting to leave an hour before we needed to. So we got the kids around and loaded up. We started out of the Magnets' driveway and he said, "I wanted to stay, hon, but my throat is hurting so bad I can hardly stand it." Poor guy! So I stopped being pissed about the early end to the evening. He went straight to bed after that. I went, too. After I had my Nyquil, of course. :)

Today, I got up at 7:30 again, threw a box of donuts at the children, poured three cups of milk, popped a donut hole in my mouth and went to the couch. I covered up in two heavy blankets and still laid there shivering my head off. I turned on the TV and prayed the children would be lured in by the happy, brightly colored cartoonish people on screen. They were. I slept. It was good. Then I came to for a few moments, long enough to pee, make some tea, then went back to the couch. I slept till 11, was still freezing, so I got up and took a super hot shower. I felt better after the shower, but still not too whoop. I made lunch, loaded the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and by that time the kids were done eating. Again, I told them to get their blankets and pillows. We watched The Emporer's New Groove, which is one of my very favorite Disney movies. I couldn't stay awake! I slept through all but the last 20 minutes of it. Then they put in another movie and I slept through it, too. I know - I am a horrible mother. My childrens' IQ's probably dropped 50 points today, poor kids. When the movie marathon was over, I dragged my sorry self up off the couch, told the kids to get their slippers on (they were still in their pj's) and we drove to the video store to take back some movies that husband forgot to take this morning. I have managed to stay off of the couch for nearly 4 hours now. I feel it calling my name, I think it misses me.

The Diva has spoken at 7:52 PM CST
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Nyquil is in da hay-ouse
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rambling much
Oh wow, this Nyquil is some serious good shit. No kidding. I feeling nothing. Not even my fingers touching the keyboard. Hope I don't write anything I wanna take back or something. Not sure I could find backspace if I tried.

I gave Ab one Nyquil around 6 this evening. That poor child was knocked on her skinny little rear! She stayed home from school today, barking like a harp seal, nose producing the most fluoroescent green snot I've ever seen and just in general looking pale and sick. She wanted to go, bless her heart, she tried. I asked her before she ever even got out of bed if she wanted to stay home and she said she'd try to go. I told her if she went and started feeling bad all she had to do was call. She got dressed and came up front to have me pull up her hair and I just couldn't stand the thought of sending her off to that germ-infested school where something quite possibly worse than she already has could take over. So I said, "Baby girl...do you wanna--?" and she nodded her head and said, "Yes. I'll go put my pajamas back on." Sam was more than a little peeved that she was staying home and he was not. Poor guy. He's been sick, too, but hasn't ever acted sick. He's been coughing up a storm, but it never once broke his stride or slowed him down. This evening he was snuggling me on the couch and I kissed his forehead. It was hot. I took his temp: It was 101. Geez, the kids was bouncing off the walls, you'd have never known he had one. Ab has run one all day, but nothing higher than 99.2, hardly enough to count, yet she looks like she's been run over. By 7:30 Ab was falling asleep virtually standing up. I gave her some hot chocolate to soothe her throat a little and sent her on to bed. She has a dr appointment at 9:30 in the morning and I'm just bettin' we end up with antibiotics over this one. Sinus infection, if I were a betting woman. The jury's out as to whether Sam goes to school tomorrow. Depends on the fever. No matter how he feels, if he's running a fever he doesn't go. And he's not going to be happy either, because tomorrow is the Senior/Faculty basketball game and that means no afternoon classes. Btw, Courtney, I did not see your name on the roster...

After all that jubilation this morning after the budget actually being in the black, I had a mean ol' hateful woman from Discover make me cry. Yeah. She was awful. Simply awful. If there is a contest for Collection Person Of The Month Who Reduced The Most Grown Women To Tears, she'll likely win. 'Cuz I'm sure I'm not the only one she talked hateful to today. Once you get started you kind of get on a roll, ya know. The really nice person called first, asking me to make a payment. Understandable, I did owe them one. When I told her what I could pay she said, "That's not good enough." I said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's the best I can do." Her reply basically was that it didn't even cover the finance charges. Okay, I fully understand that, but lady, I ain't got it. So I said, "Ma'am, I am doing the best I can right now. I am more concerned at this time with feeding my children and keeping the electricity on. I'm sorry if you can't understand why I can only pay you $35 this month." She then offered to see if I qualified for a hardship payment plan. Great, sign me up, I've been enduring lots of financial hardship lately. But I think how they work things at Discover Card is that they test you to see if you can hold up under the verbal attacks of "The Supervisor" to see if you can be considered a true hardship case. I didn't hold up well once she started threatening to sue me for fraud. WTF? She said that by putting my phone bill and cable bill on my credit card and then not making a payment constituted as fraud and therefore, I was guilty as charged. I explained that it was never my intention to fraud anyone, I was just doing the best I could. (See a pattern here with my pleading? Guess my best isn't good enough for them, eh.) So after about 5 times of her raising her voice at me, telling me I LIED to the kind and benevolent folks at Discover Card, that I was going to get sued I HAD HAD IT. I told her that I was offering to make a payment, plain and simple. No, it wasn't near what she wanted me to offer, but then you get into that whole blood from a turnip analogy and I didn't think she'd appreciate it right then. I also told her I didn't appreciate her copping an attitude with me, that I was trying to be courteous and respectful and I only wanted that in return, and she then told me that WASN'T copping an ATTITUDE with me and how DARE I insinuate she WAS. Again, she threw out the whole suing and the frauding and I said, "You know what, do what you have to do." She said, "Have a nice day!" and hung up. I was literally shaking so hard and my heart was beatin so fast that I thought I was going to pass out. I was ANGRY. I realize she is doing her job, but belittling someone and essentially scaring them and threatening them isn't a job I'd want to have. I couldn't sleep at night, knowing that I had bullied someone into making a payment they simply didn't have. I guess this is why I'm a stay at home mom. I don't have the balls to confront people and bully them. I'm quite happy being ball-less, if that's the kind of person I have to be if I have 'em.

So I called my daddy, bawling my head off, asking him if they really could sue me and if they were going to send Guido to my house to teach me a lesson or something. He rationally explained to me that, okay I've made some mistakes. He told me that I'm fixing it and I'm doing the best I can (Dad thinks my best is good enough!) and that's what matters. He said to send them that $35 and to not worry about any further bullying. I can always be the first to hang up next time. He told me that if they gripe about the payment next time to say "Either you take my $35 payment and get a little at time. Or you can just talk to my bankruptcy lawyer. I bet you don't get as much then." Heehee...Dad has such a way with words. He also gave me a free listing in a farm magazine in the want-ads that he wasn't going to use, so we can list the truck. Man, thanks Dad. It has a huge circulation. He also brought over his step-son in law who has a friend who might be interested in the boat. They took pictures and were sending them to him tonight. I sat down awhile ago and made up flyers to hang up on bulletin boards all over town advertising the truck for sale.

I'm tired of being reactive - I want to be proactive from now on. That's a pretty big step for me, considering how nonconfrontational I am, but I'm trying. Doing my best, eh. Recurring theme tonight it seems. So now the ball is rolling. Our plan to be debt free is in motion and if things go the way I have them written out on paper we will be completely debt free within 9 months. No kidding.

The Lord has just blessed my socks off today. Even if the mean Discover Card lady made me cry. Tomorrow, if the MasterCard people call, I'm not going to cry. I'll stand my ground. Yeah. I just hope they don't call before the Nyquil wears off. I'm slurring my words right now and sound a wee bit drunk, I'm afraid. They might not take too kindly to a $35 payment if I sound like I just went on a beer run.

Man, Nyquil is good.

The Diva has spoken at 10:13 PM CST
Heavenly swats
Topic: Rambling much
I just realized something.

My last post had the word "fucking" twice, "shit" three times and I mentioned God's infinite wisdom as well.

Oops I just did it again. Dammit.

I am so gonna get a spanking for that when I get to heaven.


The Diva has spoken at 11:49 AM CST
The banging of the head will now officially stop
Mood:  surprised
Topic: It's a good thing
Awhile back I said,

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, we are $672 in the hole every month!!!"

Remember that?

Well, we aren't after all!!

There is much jubilation going on here at Diva Central this morning. I haven't even told Mr. Diva yet, but I'm sure he'll be happy, to say the least. I have called my sister and bless her heart, I'm glad she's well again. I've missed her. She's happy for me, too, btw.

Okay, so here's what I did. It's really embarrassing, but I'm going to declare it here on my blog regardless. This financial management/debt reduction course we are taking (http://daveramsey.com/) has a workbook that you figure out your income, debt, expenses, etc. It's considerably eye-opening to say the least. Okay, so the worksheet where you figure your income, well...on Paul's income I took the total of one paycheck and instead of multiplying it by 2, I divided. Yeah. Pretty stupid, eh? So it had us living on less than $300 a paycheck, less than $600 a month. And what's worse is:

I DIDN'T CATCH IT.

Aye carumba.

I have wallowed in misery and self-pity for 20 days, nearly 3 weeks, honestly considering declaring bankruptcy just to make it all go away. I did not see a way out. Neither did Paul. But I was bound and determined to do my best, so this morning I sat down here at my computer and wrote up the pro rata letters you send to your creditors that basically says, "I realize I owe you a shitload of money, but we've fallen on hard times, we have three children and I can't find a job because even Wal-Mart won't hire me." Then you ask them for a moratorium on your payments for 30, 60, 90, or 120 days and ask them to drop your interest during this time, if possible, then ask them nicely at the end to have patience with you and sign it sincerely. I did this to our two largest creditors. I felt like I had accomplished much and with a warm glow in my heart, I decided to type up a new cash flow plan of my own, leaving out the things that we simply cannot pay out at this time, even though Dave Ramsey says we should. Things like car repair, savings, and fun things like eating out. It made it less overwhelming to see a spreadsheet with only the things we pay out, not a bunch of blanks staring me down. That done, I went on to find out the payoff on our personal loan, total the amounts of all the credit cards and then figure up about what we'll get when we sell the truck and boat, plus our income tax refund. It left a mere $995 for us to handle on our own. So THEN, that all being done, I made out another sheet with both of our incomes totalled up. Woah. That sheet said we brought in more than the last one did, the one I figured up in the workbook. I refigured. I refigured again. I rubbed my eyes, prayed that I wasn't screwing up something, refigured and came to the conclusion that we actually have $256.50 a month EXTRA.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, we have $256.50 a month EXTRA!!!

So now, I am going to be able to figure up new monthly payments to the credit cards, albeit smaller than they would like to see, I'm sure. But they are payments nonetheless. We are not in the hole, people. I cried. Literally cried. I sat there on the phone with my sister, bawling into her ear. Got the phone all wet, too.

After I quit crying, I said, "Ya know, God's pretty smart." There was silence on the other end of the line and finally Sis said, "Uh....duh." I said, "No really! I mean, here I've been all desperate and panicky, trying to find a job and no one would hire me and my self esteem was injured and I was wondering just why in the world no one wanted me. God had His hand in the middle of it all! He wasn't allowing me to find a job because I don't NEED a job!" And Sis' reply was, "Nope. You just need to take a basic math class." Gosh, I love her. She's pretty wise for a little sister.

Oh, and I just looked outside...




the sun is shining.

The Diva has spoken at 11:37 AM CST
Updated: Thursday, February 24, 2005 11:44 AM CST
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Sing me a song
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Rambling much
I have always needed music in order to basically live and thrive. My parents both have beautiful singing voices and some of my earliest memories are of my mom's soprano, that she never gives herself enough credit for, and my dad's deep resounding bass. In fact, when Sis and I were little our family attended a little - I mean teeny tiny - country church. We sang our first "specials" there. Okay, so it was Sunday School choruses about being redeemed and how ev'rybody oughta know and I'm not even sure I knew what redeemed meant at the time I was singing it at the top of my lungs on the alter step, but I sang it anyway. 'Cuz I was cute. *wink* When I was in junior high, Dad took a songleader position at a slightly larger, but still relatively small, church in Picher, OK, his hometown. There we started singing more sophisticated songs, my favorites being Amy Grant, which every 13 year old Baptist girl adored at the time. The four of us also sang quartets from time to time. Until my voice changed. I went from singing the super high ultra soprano part to borderline bass with my father. Kind of threw off our four parts a bit.

To this day I still lean more toward alto, but if the humidity and barometric pressure is just so, if I haven't smoked in awhile and no one makes me laugh, I can belt out a low soprano like there's no tomorrow. I have no range. None. It's just sad really. If I want to sing something it pretty much has to be in one octave and that's it. So much for the National Anthem.

Why am I telling you this?

For God's sake, I don't know.

If you stumbled across this blog by way of Blog Explosion, please take the time to scroll down a bit to some earlier posts and find something a little more humorous and I dunno, meaty. Meaty? WHO has taken over my body and is making me type such crap?

I need sleep.
I smell like spit-up again.
My sinuses feel like they are stuffed full of Elmer's Glue laden cotton balls right now.
DayQuil is some pretty good shit.
I bet NyQuil is better, but I don't have any.
I pray to God above that my youngest does not have "bad dweams" tonight or wake me up to tell me she has "yucky sounds", which means her asthma is making her feel like she has a 200 pound harp seal sitting on her chest.
I hope the sun shines tomorrow. I don't think I can take another day of clouds and rain. Really.
I
don't
think
I
can

The Diva has spoken at 10:14 PM CST
Gloom, doom, spit-up and toilet paper
Mood:  down
Topic: Rambling much
It never fails. It rains on Paul's days off every stinkin' week. And his days off aren't the same every week. It's like God looks at His great big meteorological calendar in the sky and says, "Ooh, looks like Paul's off on Tuesday and Wednesday this week - check, showers." All this does is PISS him off royally. Paul, not God. For two days now he has moped around the house and grumbled at me, yelled at the kids, and slept. Paul, not God.

I walked through the living room awhile ago and he was sound asleep, kicked back in the recliner. I just now walked through again and he was still kicked back, but awake and sulled up. "Stupidfuckingrain," was what I think came out of his half-closed mouth. We are nearly out of wood and he can't get out there to cut any. Okay, rephrasing, he won't get out there and cut in the rain. Wuss. If your family needs wood cut, you cut it. Rain, snow, sleet, or hail. Okay, maybe not hail because that's dangerous. Besides hailstorms don't usually last that long anyway - you could get a cup of coffee while you waited for it to pass. Anyway. We have decided to sell the boat and it needs to be cleaned out so we can take it down to Sis' house (she lives on a high-traffic street) but he won't go out to the barn to do that. It's cold, he says. Well, duh, it's February ya dork. It's in the barn, for cryin' out loud. But no; he, instead of doing anything halfway constructive, opts to sit in the house with me and go between cussing me like a cur dog and molesting me every time I walk by. This must be what it's like to live with bi-polarity. He is driving me fucking insane.

*********************************

This morning Jill asked me if we had been talking about names during the day. I said, "Uhhh...no, I don't think so. Why?" She laughed and said, "Oh, last night Chandler walked in the room and said, 'My babysitter's name is Kwistin. Kwistin Hoovah.' And walked back out." I said, "Oh yeah...he introduced me to several people at the grocery store yesterday, too." I don't know where he gets it. He also introduced himself AND Kady AND the baby to anyone who would listen. Jill also asked me what kind of toilet paper I use. I said, "Scott. Why?" "Well, last night he sang to me, word for word, the Charmin song from the commercial. Do you think maybe he watches too much TV?" Nah, he's just a little sponge, that's all. I shrugged and said, "I doubt he's watching to much TV. Kids will pick up anything catchy and repeat it ad nauseum. But I haven't taught it to him, sorry."

Just a little while ago I was folding laundry and caught myself singing,
"When we say less is more, less is more. More absorbent than the regular rippled brand for sure. What you used to love now you're gonna adore. Charmin Ultra - less is more. Cha-cha-cha! Charmin!" Nope, I have no clue where he learned it.

*******************************

Cute baby is here again. Day #3. He's simply devourable. My sister just called and said she feels well enough that she can watch him the rest of the week. Damn her and her getting all well and stuff. Although, last night when I took off my shirt before bed, as I lifted my shirt over my head I caught a whiff of spit-up and thought, "Man, that's a smell I thought I was over and done with."

********************************

I feel the need to do a blog round-up today for some reason.
**I'm especially enamored with CrazyMom at Here Comes Life. Bless her heart, she has the flu AND a sinus infection right now and is living the life hopped up on Vicodin and Marlboros. We can't all live the dream, but she's trying.
**I finally jumped on the bandwagon and started reading Defective Yeti even though he competed with my beloved Heather B. Armstrong over at Dooce during the Blog Awards. His little Squirrelly is a year old now and his take on life, work and parenting is particularly charming.
**My friend from high school, Magnet Lady has started blogging and my gosh, if I thought she was hilarious in real life, she's dangerous on her blog. She had THE BEST bangs on high school and still continues to have my jealously when it comes to hair. She's also a pretty durn good camping partner. Ask her about it. G'head, she'd love to tell the story.
**File Girl, another Napoleon Dynamite fan, showed us the other day her skillz at paper folding. Boyfriends want girlfriends with skillz, I hear.
**I can't do a herding of the blogs without mentioning Cousin Courtney!! She can eat a pound of Candy House chocolates, works at The Big Fancy Casino, recently wrote about the perils of chin hairs and you simply must check her out. Just last night while standing in my kitchen, we discussed how to get people to comment on our blogs, while I peddled and she paid for Girl Scout cookies. (HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE)

*****************************

I just now bent over to pick the baby up out of the floor. The back of my sweatshirt raised up just enough to expose the small of my back. My dipshit of a husband, who had just come in from the nearly depleted woodpile, thought it would be mighty funny to place his cold-ass hands directly on the exposed skin. Thank God I have reflexes like fucking Superman or I'd be making a call to Cute Baby's mom trying to explain exactly how her son acquired a bruise the size of Texas on his wee little bald head.

He goes back to work tomorrow if I don't kill him first. Paul, not Cute Baby.

****************************

I just asked Chandler to sing the Charmin song for me. Oh my gosh it's cute. Kady knew all the words, too. What am I doing to these children? I've been singing "If I was a rich girl, na na na na na na nahhhhhhhh..." for the last two days. I can't wait till he goes home to sing THAT one for his daddy. We're already trying to reprogram him into saying that he's a prince instead of a princess like Kady.

****************************

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells allllllll the way!" is how Kady sings Jingle Bells now. So much for dashing through the snow and all that nonsense. We just sing about toilet paper, rich girls and super heros with hygiene issues. Yep, bring your kids to Kiki The Most Wonderful Babysitter in the Universe. I'll teach 'em up right.

The Diva has spoken at 10:16 AM CST
Updated: Wednesday, February 23, 2005 10:21 AM CST
Monday, February 21, 2005
This baby is so CUTE!
Mood:  bright
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
As I mentioned before, my sister has the flu. Mom, her husband and I have all threatened her into actually allowing herself to recuperate properly and not overdoing it. So that being said, I am her backup for the baby she babysits. I have been around this kid numerous times and man he is a cutie-pie, but he's always been obviously enamored with my sister, who affectionately refers to herself around him as "The Lady". (Immediately throws me into a poor Jerry Lewis impersonation, too.) Well, he loves The Lady with everything in his chubby little body and when she is around there is no one else in my little scope of vision.

Well, today I'm the one he's lookin' all google-eyed at.

Oh
My
GOSH
this kid is cute.

He was just sitting there in his carseat while I was working on a picture post for a friend's blog. He was being so good, kind of drooling and gurgling and bein' all baby cute and stuff. I'd look over every now and then and he'd immediately do this grin-then-turn-away-like-he-was-embarrassed-to be-caught-staring-at-the-cute-girl thing. My gosh, instantly I was reduced to a goofily grinning baby-talking adult who couldn't resist getting down on my knees and simply devouring his pudgy little baby toes!

Is this how I behaved when my children were babies? Is THIS why I had very few friends and the ones I had were jibberish-talking oatmeal heads with spit-up stains on their left shoulders as well? Did I really talk incessantly to Wal-Mart checkers and the guy pumping my gas (because I was terrified to leave the kids in the car long enough to go in the QT and pay)? Is this why my husband dreaded coming home from work because invariably he would walk in the door from work and would be sideswiped outta nowhere by his conversation-starved young wife who would smother him in kisses, hand off the baby and then begin a rundown of the day's events, INCLUDING how many wet and poopy diapers were encountered, how many burp rags he or she soaked, any new teeth that had sprouted and/or hadn't but had yet caused uncontrollable screeching on parent and child's part and only occasionally while talking 900 mph lapsing into baby talk? Is this how I spent 6 years of my life?

Yep. I guess I did.

Wow, that was good times.


The Diva has spoken at 11:26 AM CST
Updated: Monday, February 21, 2005 11:31 AM CST
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Sleep is good
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
I just woke up from another 2 hour nap today. Yesterday and the day before I did the same stinkin' thing. I normally do not even entertain the thought of a nap because I tend to lean toward insomnia and naps exacerbate this problem. (Ooh, big word) But lately I have been taking naps AND sleeping at night. I guess obviously I am needing this sleep. Lately if I sit down, I fall asleep. It's not that I am having a hard time functioning or feeling particularly lethargic while I'm up and moving because I actually feel pretty good, but don't let my ass hit the chair because it's alllll over then.


Hmh.

I guess I shouldn't question this blessing of sleep I've been given, eh? I have gone sleepless for so long that maybe this is a gift from God for my diligence and perseverence. I am the woman who thrives on lack of sleep and I'm okay with that. I'm not sure I like the thought of actually requiring sleep now. I better stop this. This might be a sign I'm getting old. *gasp*

The Diva has spoken at 3:45 PM CST
Saturday, February 19, 2005
GET to know me!
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: About me
You will just have to forgive my penchant for these quizzes and questionaires that float about aimlessly on the 'net. I'm a sucker for them. I can't help it. :)

1. Your name spelled backwards:
Revooh Nitsirk. When I was in 6th grade or so a friend of mine got on this kick where we ONLY called each other Nitsirk and Eimaj. 12 year olds are so weird.

2. Where were your parents born?
Miami, OK

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A Spyware detector from SBC

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
Applebee's

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Ummm....summer before last. My sister has a pool and her ladder tried to kill me. Twice. I have the scars to prove it.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
I was in the band in the HS production of Funky Winkerbean's Band my sophomore year. I was some chick in curlers, Bertha Bumiller, in Greater Tunamy junior year and my senior year I'm sure we did one, too, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was!

7. How many kids do you want?
I already have three. I want one more.

8. Type of music do you dislike most?
Hmmm....twangy 70's country like Tammy Wynette and Merle Haggard. Agh, it makes my ears bleed.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yep, Democrat

10. Do you have cable?
Satellite. But we only watch The Outdoor Channel. Bleh

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? Ha, no.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Oh my gosh, one summer DeLisa and I crank called ALL the time! Her great grandma's trailer was just sittin' there empty with a phone just begging to be used!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Nope

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? I used to have an insane desire to bungee jump, but have since developed a fear of heights. I'll stick to crashing up cars.

15. Farthest place you ever traveled?
Biloxi, MS

16. Do you have a garden?
HA!! That's funny. Only thing I can grow with any success is children.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?

Garfield

18. Do you really know all the words to the national anthem?
You betcha. I also still know all the words to our high school fight song AND all of the words to Oklahoma!

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning. Bath occasionally, but only if there are bubbles, a book and wine involved.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Napoleon Dynamite

21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Hamburger, green olive and mushroom. I craved this concoction when I was pregnant with Sam so much so that the Pizza Hut Express had to purchase green olives just for me because they never had them on hand.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Hmm....that's a toughie. I'd probably have to go with popcorn.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Usually Neutral liner with Mary Kay Intensity Controller. Or just liner with gloss. I hardly ever wear lip color anymore, but if I do it's Mary Kay Mocha Freeze

26. Orange Juice or apple?
I cannot STAND the taste of apple juice. Hot apple cider is fine, but do not make me drink apple juice. Bleh. I love orange juice, though. Especially with vodka in it. heehee

27. Favorite type of chocolate bar?
Whatchamacallit. The only place in town that carries them anymore is the Dollar Tree and sometimes Pumpin' Pete's.

28 When was the last time you voted at the polls?
November, 2004

29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Mmmmm...last summer. My mother in law brought me some from a farmer's market stand. Yummy. Paul would gripe because I'd stand at the sink with a whole tomato and a salt shaker, eatin' them things like an apple, squirtin' juice and seeds everywhere.

30. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yeah, I got one in speech, my junior year. Normally they gave out medals, but this one school gave out trophies for some weird reason. I think I threw it away.

31. Are you a good cook?
Martha Fucking Stewart, people

32. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Good grief, who doesn't? There is a full service station in town that I used a lot more when the kids were little and I was paranoid about leaving them in the car to pay, because even though the doors were locked I just knew someone was going to bust out a window and steal my babies. But now, the damn Wal-Mart has me by the balls with their .03 discount if you use their shopping cards to buy gas. Damn them.

33. Ever order an item from an infomercial?
Once. It was winter, we had two small children, cable and cabin fever. I just HAD to have those T-fal pans! I was so excited when Paul finally said yes that I nearly wet my pants dialing the phone.

34. Sprite or 7-up?
Bleh. Sprite is what Mom always made us drink when we were sick and to this day I can't stomach the stuff.

35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
When I worked as a Pharmacy Tech I wore a lab coat and scrubs. That's the closest I've ever come to a uniform. Unless you count sweats as a uniform, because if that's the case, yep I've been wearing a uniform to work in for the last 10 years.

36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Antibiotics for Ab before a dental appointment, WHICH we never have to do again! Yay!

37. Ever throw up in public?
I don't think so.

38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or to find true love?
Damn, making me choose between the two best things ever. I guess I'd have to go with the true love thing. Geez.

39. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nah. Hell, I don't believe in love. Ha!

40. Ever call a 1-900 number?
No. Omg, no.

41. Can exes be friends?
My parents are prime examples that no, exes cannot be friends. They can tolerate each other, but friends they cannot be.

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Hmh, when Makensie went into labor we went up to the hospital when we left the casino at 1am, but we didn't get to see her, just her family.

43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Tons of black hair. Looked like a little indian papoose.

44. What message is on your answering machine?
"Hi, you've reached the Hoovers. We're not in right now. Actually, chances are, we're scrambling to find the phone. So give us a minute, see if we pick up. If we answer, great. If not, leave us a message."

45. What is in your backpack?
A backpack?? For cryin out loud. The more of these quizzes I take, I realize I am gettin' damn old. Now, if you wanna talk what's in my purse... Wallet, checkbook, Girl Scout pocket planner, lipstick case, tape measure, two things of antibacterial hand sanitizer stuff, antibacterial hand lotion, emery board, mini photo album, the artwork for my next tattoo so that if I find a $100 bill on the ground I can go directly to the tattoo artist and have it done, two combs, paint samples, a rock Sam gave me the other day after school, antibacterial hand wipes (am I a germ phobe or what?), small bottle full of Imodium, Benadryl, Tylenol and Motrin, one ponytail holder, another emery board....yeah, I think that's about it.

46. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Have an orgasm. That's my favorite thing to do ANY time! Though the question would get longer answers if it asked for your before bedtime routine, wherein I would answer: fall asleep on couch half way through the local weather, wake up after the weather is over and ask husband what the weather man said, take off makeup, wash face, pee, take off socks, get in bed.

47. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Those three kids of mine. I can't just pick one of 'em, silly.

48. What is the first concert you ever went to?
Garth Brooks. Man, that was awesome. Except for the fact that I was in the midst of my first hangover. But it was still awesome that I got to see him before he got too famous.


The Diva has spoken at 10:32 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, February 19, 2005 10:38 PM CST
Funny how life does that
Mood:  special
Topic: Rambling much
Last night was the memorial service for Red, who passed away this week. They had it at his bar, which was the most appropriate place to have had such a celebration. His Marcia wasn't sure it was the best place at first, but Mom assured her that it was perfect. And it was. Helived for that place and was so proud of it.

Paul and I arrived late and when we walked in we could hear Angie, the DJ, on the microphone. She was crying and laughing and telling stories. My heart was breaking for her because when we heard the news of Red's death she told my mom "I don't know how to do this. I've never lost anyone I loved before." Bless her heart, she did an amazing job. Several people stood up to tell stories on Red, from small town friends, dance club friends, family, employees and patrons. One thing is for sure, he was loved. I wanted so badly to tell the story of Red's matchmaking endeavors, but couldn't find the fortitude to stand up there and do it.

When everyone who was going to talk had talked, Angie announced that there would be one last dance at R&B Country. Paul, even though we met dancing, isn't much of a dancer anymore. I stood up because I wanted to dance that last dance. He said no. I wasn't going to let it rest at that - I'd have danced with my mother rather than miss that. But he relented and finally led me onto the dance floor and took me in his arms.

How many dances we've danced on that huge wooden floor is unknown to me, but it's been a lot. We were there the weekend he opened, we danced when my shift was over during my short stints as cocktail waitress, we danced around the enormous belly of my pregnancies, we danced while slightly inebriated more than once and we danced our last dance out there last night.

I don't think that anyone on that dance floor was able to keep the tears from falling during that dance. Angie played one of Red's favorite songs, "I'm Already There" by Lonestar, and it just seemed so perfect. When the song was over, I left the strength and comfort of my husband's arms and made a beeline for my mother who was crying as hard as I was. We held each other as the lights came back up. We heard Angie's voice come on the mic as she called "Last call for alcohol" with a tear-choked voice. And when she said for the last time, her trademark words for the end of the night, "Time to go home ya'll. Time to go and lay naked on your own couch," that we knew it was really over and done. R&B Country was closed. Red is gone. It's the end of an era.

I saw Red's son, Brian, after the song was over. Paul and I took the time to look at some pictures they had put up of Red, Marcia, the employees, the club itself. And when we started to walk across the dance floor I saw him. I knew I had to talk to him, even if he didn't recognize me and I had to introduce myself. But no...he caught my eye about halfway across the floor and a sort of half smile broke onto his mouth. I got close to him and he held out his hand and said, "My God, you haven't changed a bit." I cried as he hugged me so tight I thought my ribs would crack. We talked awhile, he introduced me to his oldest son (who is 14 - are we really old enough to have teenagers?? Egad!) and then the conversation became interrupted by other former and present Wyandotte residents who wanted to talk to him. When we finally got a chance to talk again he told his son that I was his first girlfriend, which I'm sure his son thought was hilarious because we all know 14 year olds can't imagine their parents being silly and goofy as children. Paul and I wandered around and talked to a few more folks we knew, hugged Angie and Mom again and decided to leave.

My husband is not a publicly expressive man, not overly affectionate and not known for his ability to comfort. But he's mine nonetheless. As we stepped through the doors to leave the building I kind of slipped myself under his arm and he held me close, patting me on the arm. Then, in the cold of the night, the rocky unevenness of the parking lot and my sheer clumsiness, we kind of stumbled and staggered a bit. He laughed and said, "How many times have we staggered across this parking lot together, Kristin?" I giggled and said, "I think it was me staggering and you holding me up." He squeezed my arm again and said,

"All thanks to Red."

The Diva has spoken at 5:42 PM CST

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