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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Tired. Oh so tired
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: CMT -- "I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney
What a day. This whole new babysitting expedition may be more than I can handle. I mean, it was only the first day with all 5 of them, so I'm not giving up yet. It's just going to take awhile to get used to the routine - if I can find time to set UP a routine! I managed to get 4 of the 5 to sleep at the same time (Mine was the only one who refused to sleep, the little bugger) and the house was almost completely quiet for nearly 2 hours. Heaven on earth, I'm tellin' ya.

Now enter window salesman. And 3 school kids straight from the bus. Now totalling 8 children in my house, one irritated dude peddling windows, a husband who was running late from his remodelling job and finally, 2 late-getting-off-work mommies. I had a veritable circus going on in my house this evening. It was insanity at its finest. Not to mention my sister's father-in-law had a pretty bad stroke this afternoon, so my niece and nephew ended up staying longer than normal and Mom came out right after the guy announced his outlandish price to us. Mom was upset over her youngest daughter's father-in-law's (keep up with me here) stroke then left here thinking that her oldest daughter had lost her mind and was going to buy incredibly overpriced windows. Bless her heart, she said she nearly threw up on the way back to town.

The windows were awesome and considering the current windows in this house are the originals built in in 1976, they looked pretty durn good. We were really set to buy them. UNTIL he gave us a quote. !!!OH MY GOSH!!! Granted, we have 19 windows in this house, most of which would have to be custom-made because they are freaking HUGE, BUT

$13,000 for WINDOWS??????

Momma said not only no, but hell no.

But for listening to his schpiel for 2 1/2 hours we got $100. Cash, baby.

Guess who's getting her new tattoo tomorrow night???

The Diva has spoken at 11:11 PM CDT
Typing fast
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: a Huggies commercial
I'm typing fast for two reasons today. One, the baby that I am now babysitting is into EVERYTHING! Were my kids at this stage so long ago that I had already forgotten how quickly the little buggers can turn the TV off or turn the volume up to 47 in 1.3 seconds? And how they must touch EVERYTHING, including every clean piece of silverware in the dishwasher with their slobbery little hands? And how if it were my kid I'd swat his chubby little hand a few times and it'd be done, but noooooo I can't swat him 'cuz he ain't mine and dadgummit if it isn't frustrating to find an alternative, kinder, gentler method of disciplining an 18 month old??????????????? OH MY GOSH...I seriously digressed on that one, eh?

The second reason I'm typing fast is THE LIZARD IS STILL IN MY BEDROOM!!! I ran across the little bugger (everyone's a bugger today, including the house reptile, geez) yesterday when I was cleaning. I picked up one of husband's hats off the floor and there he went, quick as an icky brown flash, over to hide under the quilt rack. I screamed. I mean, what other reaction would I have? I called my mom's office for some advice, because moms have the best advice, even if they are more scared of lizards than you are. The Wise One wasn't in, but her boss was and she's a true country girl. I said, "Nikki! You're a country girl - how do you catch a lizard?" There was a pause (during which I'm sure she was biting her lip so as not to laugh) and then she said, "Uhhhh, with my hands?" Smartass. Everyone's a smartass. But she did look it up online for me (Since I was too afraid to come out here and look it up. I swore I could hear him growl from under the dresser.) and the best suggestion she found was sticky traps. But you have to put bugs on it for bait. Grrrrreat, my second favorite thing in the world -- right behind lizards -- bugs. (Mice are #3, btw.) *shudder* Of course, husband was no help last night. He said since I was so afraid of the lizard that I should be the one to put out the traps and bait them because he wasn't afraid of a little lizard so it's not his responsiblity. Jerk. Then every now and then he'd stomp his feet at me to make me jump. Or run a hand up the back of my leg to make me scream like the nancy-girl I am. Need I reiterate that he's a jerk?

My luck the human little bugger will get caught in the sticky traps for the reptilian little bugger.

Oh, this is newsworthy -
Took the bra up one entire notch this morning. Helped with the saggy cup issue tremendously. But more importantly I took the bra up one entire notch this morning!!!!!

The Diva has spoken at 10:18 AM CDT
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
My head's a-spinnin'
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Some hilariously cute song about Mr Mom by, I think, LoneStar - so true!
Wow!! What a wild couple of days! As I mentioned, yesterday was Election Day around here and well, let me just say that I'm proud to be one of the First Nieces of our esteemed county! My uncle won with an overwhelming 69.77% of the votes cast. It was a pretty exciting night at the courthouse. I've got pictures and will get them on my Yahoo! photo album thingy tomorrow so you can peruse at your leisure. I'm sure you won't sleep tonight, you're so anticipating seeing them, right? Yeahhhhhhright. Humor me, k? I also have decided to take on two more kids to babysit. This opportunity came completely out of the blue and I wasn't completely prepared to make the decision, but it just seems so right that I can't help but think it is. These people are so flexible it's not even funny and when I said that currently I don't babysit on Fridays (That being my day "off" so I can go clean houses. No, I don't ever rest.) they didn't think that was an unusual request and agreed. Wow. I met them tonight, got to spend a little time with the kids and they seem like a great little family. It's going to make my days absolutely fly, I'm sure. When I did home daycare before I remember the days going by so fast and being so happily exhausted at day's end that it was a good thing. Of course, I didn't have 3 kids of my own then, so I may not be so happily exhausted as I used to be, but I think exhaustion will definitely come into play. This will give me 3 rent-a-kids and two rent-a-family members to throw into the mix of my own 3 rugrats! Life is so good. Noisy, but good. Sis told me tonight that she can already tell I've lost weight. Man, did that ever make me smile! I mean, you can see little things yourself, but to have someone else notice...well, that's just kicky. Sadly, the "little thing" I noticed today was the extra room in the cups of my durn bra. *sigh* WHY is it that when a woman loses weight the first place she loses it is in her BOOBS??? I have so much more fat on my ass that it only seems proper to lose it there first. Surplus and all, you know? This is just so unfair it makes me want to kick something. Agh, I've kind of gotten used to having voluptuous ta-tas and I'm not ready to let them go!!!!!!! Ha! "Not ready to let them go"...lol. Makes it sound like I can't keep my hands off of them or something. Geez, I'm sleepy. I better go before I start implying that I play with the aforementioned ta-tas all the time. ;)

The Diva has spoken at 10:34 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:26 PM CDT
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
G'mornin, mate
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Milo and Otis on the living room TV
Well, they actually did it - Kane and Lita got hitched. Of course, they wrote their own vows (I mean, who doesn't these days?) and Lita's was especially touching when she said, "I hope you rot in hell." *tear* Howwwwwww romantic!

Well, today's election day here in our little neck of the woods. My uncle's in the run-off and the tension has mounted to volcanic proportions this week. As the announcer before a wrestling match says "LLLET'S GET REAAAADY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE!" It's been such a mud-slinging debacle (ooh I used the word debacle!) on the part of my uncle's opponent that he's done nothing more than make himself look bad. (I was going to say he made himself look like a dog turd, but then I thought, "Well, now that's just not nice now is it?") The campaign went rather smoothly until this last week when I think the opponent started feeling desperate. Whatever. It's really okay to be a graceful loser. Really.

Yesterday my aunt called me and asked if I could bring some of that wonderful "free cheese" that is so popular among us white trashers to the watch party tonight. Not that I'm saying my aunt's white trash, lol. Just saying that around here a 5 lb. brick of commodity cheese might possibly get your lawn mowed for a month, is worth at least 3 weekends of free babysitting, and in the right circles is worth a kidney, if you know what I mean. *big wink* Behold the power of (free) cheese.

*Blog disclaimer: I have never gotten my lawn mowed, partaken of free babysitting, nor have I ever traded a kidney for cheese.

The Diva has spoken at 8:39 AM CDT
Does this actually surprise anyone?
Mood:  quizzical
What internet acronym are you?! sti
What internet acronym are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

The Diva has spoken at 8:10 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 8:15 AM CDT
Monday, August 23, 2004
Typing fast
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: a commercial
Ooh ooh ooh! I was just getting ready to type a big ol' post when Paul yelled in from the living room that the wedding between Kane and Lita is about to take place. I'm typing like wildfire real quick during this commercial so I don't miss a second of the blessed event. It's WWE night! I got to watch The Rock knock the hell out of some punk-ass wuss earlier and lemme tell ya, it just made my night. Methinks the Diva's gettin' lucky tonight. Nothing like a good 2 hours of sweaty, angry men to get a girl in the mood!


The Diva has spoken at 9:49 PM CDT
Monday morning chatting
Mood:  loud
redneck_diva73: did i tell you that the guy sis works with now is friends with larry the cable guy
Stacie : really? heather's claim to fame? she works with a guy who knows larry the cable guy?
Stacie : if there was ever a funny man, he's that man
Stacie : your claim to fame? your sister works with a guy who knows larry the cable guy
Stacie : LOL
redneck_diva73: kind of like my claim to fame is that my sister once went on a date with Joe Don Rooney from Rascal Flatts
Stacie : my claim to fame? my friends sister works with a guy who knows larry the cable guy
redneck_diva73: but yeah, and he said ROFLMAO....oh THAT one was funny
redneck_diva73: totally interrupted a sentence to laugh at that one
Stacie : lol
redneck_diva73: anyway, she said that brian says (oh my gosh it's just too funny) Dan (aka Larry ) is just as common in real life as he seems on the show. real dry sense of humor, and frickin hilarious.
redneck_diva73: and he's going to call me on my birthday!
redneck_diva73: so then i'll actually have a bigger claim to fame and that would be that Larry the Cable Guy called me!
Stacie : OMG! You have got to get a tap on that phone line so you can record the ENTIRE conversation!
redneck_diva73: I KNOW!
redneck_diva73: Or hell, i may just have eeryone over !
redneck_diva73: put 'im on speakerfreakinphone
Stacie : speaker phone time!
redneck_diva73: hella yeah
redneck_diva73: but what does one say to Larry the Cable Guy?
redneck_diva73: will i giggle like a 14 year old?
Stacie : i'm sure you will
Stacie : lol
redneck_diva73: will i feel compelled to belch loudly just to make myself look even more redneck?
Stacie : really, what does one say to larry the cable guy
redneck_diva73: will i just stand there frozen and go "uh huh" to everything he says?
redneck_diva73: that's what i'm sayin!
Stacie : "hey, check it out! i can belch the alphabet!"
Stacie : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Stacie : BBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Stacie : CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
Stacie : DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Stacie : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Stacie : lol
redneck_diva73: ROFLMAO
redneck_diva73: oh i am SO going to paste our conversation into my blog. if that's okay with you....it's just too good to not share

The Diva has spoken at 11:17 AM CDT
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Finally!
Mood:  surprised
Well, I finally got a picture on here, even if it isn't in an actual post. It's a pic of me and it's in my profile. Beware, though - it's HUGE! Obviously I need to knock the size down a tad, but it's late and I have to get up early and well, frankly, I just don't feel like screwing with it anymore.

The Diva has spoken at 10:23 PM CDT
A quiz, a quiz! My kingdom for a quiz!
Mood:  sharp
So anyone who's been on the 'net for any length of time has gotten one of these quizzes/surveys. If you haven't...well, do you even get any email at all? Do you have friends? I, personally, love them. It's a narcissistic thing, I guess, but I love talking about myself and sharing with others about how neurotic and ultimately cool I am. I also get a huge kick out of reading about everyone elses little quirks and habits. *shrugs* I'm easily amused, what can I say?

Here's a quiz, which I've already taken the liberty of filling out for myself. I'd just be tickled 47 ways pink if you'd oblige and comment with your answers! (Do you feel like you're revisiting junior high again? Yep, I think I hear Wham! or the Culture Club playing softly in the background...)

1. Full name: (This is the 'net folks, and I don't know whether you're a certifiable stalker and you don't know that I'm not one either, therefore I'm leaving off the last name. You should as well.) Kristin Dawn

2. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 31 and there will never be any more than that.

3. What kind of car do you drive? A dark blue/green 1998 Chevy Astro van. I LOVE my van even if it does scream "Soccer Mom".

4. Chocolate or vanilla? In my opinion, there is never a time when vanilla is better than chocolate.

5. Favorite movie(s): Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Penny Serenade (ah, Cary Grant *sigh*), 10 Things I Hate About You, Steel Magnolias, Much Ado About Nothing (the one with Denzel, Keanu and Emma - it rocks)

6. Ever been so in love you've cried? Oh goodness...if you haven't you're not human.

7. Favorite fast food restaurant: Sonic

8. Favorite non-fast food restaurant: IHOP or Jim Bob's steak and ribs

9. What's under your bed right now? The extra slat to the vertical blinds, a couple of rubbermaid boxes full of stuff from when I was a kid, a pacifier that Kady doesn't know about and I'm not going to tell her and TONS of dust.

10. Favorite drink: Coffee, especially mocha lattes chased by 2 chocolate covered coffee beans. That'll get ya goin' for sure.

11. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? I'd build some obnoxiously enormous house way out in the freakin' woods, separated from society for the most part, but still within an hour's drive from a WalMart.

12. Last CD you bought: Trace Adkins - Comin' on Strong

13. What makes you really angry? People who condescend and have absolutely no right in doing it. And being in a situation I can't have some control of. I get so frustrated when I'm helpless.

14. Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what and where? I have a ladybug over my left breast, Tinkerbell on my back and a yellow rose on my left foot. My next one will hopefully be making its appearance in the next month or two.

15. What's your favorite children's book? The Kissing Hand and anything by Max Lucado.

There...that oughta keep you busy awhile!


The Diva has spoken at 11:53 AM CDT
Updated: Sunday, August 22, 2004 8:40 PM CDT
Stayin' alive...sort of
Mood:  silly
I look like I've been on a 4-day bender or something. My eyes look awful! They've looked this way since Friday, so I guess I should just get used to it. Most people have allergy problems in the spring when things start blooming and such. Oh no, not my family and me. We get sick as dogs in the fall. (How sick do dogs get anyway?) All 3 kids are much worse in the fall and have been this way since they were infants. This will be our first fall/winter without tonsils and with tubes in Abby and Sam's ear, so I'm hoping we have NO ear infections. We better not anyway. But I have a feeling we're not going to experience an improvement in Miss Kady. She started doing that dry nighttime cough last night and woke up this morning all rattly. I would just about wager that by tonight she'll be wheezing and we'll have to break out the inhalers. Asthma sucks.

Abby asked me yesterday if I lived in the "olden days". I said, "Well, now that just depends on your idea of what 'olden' is." She pondered a moment and finally said, "Hmmm...like the 70's." WHA??? I pressed my lips together and through gritted teeth said, "WELL, for your information I was born in '73." She sat straight up and said, "COOL! So you know all about disco!?"

Speaking of old...Paul hurt his back yesterday at work. (snicker) He's hurt it at work before, but last time he failed to fill out an incident report. Thankfully his manager was standing right behind him when he did it this time. She filled one out, stating she witnessed what happened. He shouldn't have gone to work today and he's probably going to screw himself up pretty bad, but...ya know, he's 41 and I'm obviously not the boss of him. I suggested he just work the counter today, but he said that's boring. Well, hmm...I bet that recuperating after back surgery would get mighty boring as well. Grr...that man. Not sure why he keeps me around because it's sure as heck not for conversational purposes and not because he values my opinion. Must be the sex. Oh yeah, he doesn't get that from me either. Ha! Just kidding. (Okay, no I'm not.)

We watched Ron White's DVD last night. They call him Tater Salad , you know. Omg, it was hilarious. Bub and I were both nearly hystericaly at one point, both of us bent over,red-faced, trying to catch our breath. I highly recommend watching all four of the Blue Collar guys: Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy on Blue Collar Comedy Tour . It's a great way to give your ribs a workout, cry off your makeup and wake up your family when you snort while you laugh. Yes, I've done that one while watching it, lol. We watched Larry the Cable Guy last weekend and I laughed just as hard at his stuff as I did last night at Ron White's. It's a toss up as to who's funnier, in my opinon. Then again, I'm just a simple redneck... A person with a little more sophistication might not find them near as entertaining.

*Strikes a disco pose as she hits the post button*

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 AM CDT
Friday, August 20, 2004
One of them days...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss - Whiskey Lullaby
I should've known how the day was going to pan out when Sam woke me up this morning.

I've mentioned the trouble my eyes have been giving me, allergies and all, and they were really bad this morning. I could hardly see, they were so blurry and itchy. Well, he came in and woke me up with his famous stage-whisper and says, "Mom. Mom! Mom, wake up. I've got a tick on me!" Wha? I started rubbing my eyes trying to get them to focus, or at least attempt it at some point. No such luck. I could tell he was doing his best to not freak out and I was trying to clear my eyes up the best I could. Finally I said, "Just go back to the bathroom and I'll follow you", praying that either my eyesight would be restored in the walk to the other end of the house, or that he could pull the stupid tick off himself. Well, neither happened. I walked in the bathroom, blinded the rest of the way by the glaring light and shield them with my hands, blinking and rubbing with everything I had. I finally managed to open them somewhat and the first thing I see is my son with his underwear down around his knees, pinching his penis and wearing one of the weirdest expressions I've ever seen. If I hadn't known that he would just melt into tears if I laughed, trust me...I've have been in the floor rolling. Instead I bit my lip and tried to reassure him best I could. Penises are really not my expertise, having never owned one of my very own, ya know. At least with the girls I have some idea of the limits and boundaries, etc. Well, I managed to get the tick removed, even when Sam's grimaces, gasps and flinches tempted me to laugh once more, flushed the tick and the day continued...

This evening Paul managed to wander into a mess of ticks, himself. So what do I find myself doing at the end of the day? Well, fortunately it did not involve actually pulling a tick off of him, but I had to inspect him. Agh, that was a treat. Husband with jeans around knees, telling me he feels like there's one here and here and possibly here...I wasn't near as reassuring and compassionate as I was with Sam.

When I told him that Sam had had one on his penis this morning he did the typical Guy Brotherhood groan and crotch grab. You know it...you've seen 'em all do it and if you're male you've done it yourself. They place one hand, sometimes two, over the crotch area, almost imperceptibly bend the knees, knit their eyebrows together and do this almost Homer Simpson-ish "D'oh!" thing. I seriously wonder if they realize they do it. I think it is something that is etched on their DNA and has been there since some cave dude grunted out "Ugh, watch Crog milk great hairy mammoth". Minutes later he finds himself with a mammoth tusk sticking out of his groin and the entire male population of the tribe grabs at their collective crotches.

D'oh. Ugh.

The Diva has spoken at 10:53 PM CDT
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Be vewy vewy quiet...
The other day the kids were involved in a serious game of detective and Abby told me that they were "inspectigating". I was listening with a smile at their dialogue about the clues they had found and what in the world those clues were going to lead them to. All of the sudden I heard Abby exclaim, "OH MY GOSH!! It's a MAP!! A Map! We found a MAP!" Well, imagine how excited the other two got at her proclamation. Talk about some serious cheering. In the midst of all the excitement, Abby handed this map off to her little brother and said, "Here! You read it!" He obviously accepted the invitation, I mean who wouldn't, right? Then he got quiet and said, "Wait a minute - are we pretending?" Abby told him that, indeed, they were pretending. He sighed and with a sense of obvious relief said, "Oh good! 'Cuz I can't read."

The Diva has spoken at 8:42 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, August 19, 2004 8:45 PM CDT
Bing, Bing, Dingka Dingka Dong (or something to that effect)
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Rain and the kids giggling over something mischievous
The title is some jacked up words to some retarded song on LazyTown, NickJr's newest kid-captivating show. Actually I kind of like the show, even if the characters do give me the creeps. The whole gist of the show is about this super hero (Sportacus, lol) and this little girl who try to get the kids in LazyTown to stop playing video games and eating sweets and to get outside and play games. Whoo hoo. It motivated me so much I used up a stupid point on two really old, nasty-tasting Tootsie Roll Midgees. Just for some chocolate. Bleh.

I have accomplished nothing in the last two days. Whose fault is this? Bloggers, that's who. I have sat on my arse, in my pj's, (but only half the day) reading other people's blogs and occasionally reading a book to the kids because the guilt overwhelms me. Then when they're playing really good again, I'm back out here reading. They're napping, I'm reading. Laundry? Heck, no...who wants to do laundry when you can read about another Diva in another part of the US who just got new boobs? Who wants to mop the kitchen floor when you can read hilariously humorous job stories by your favorite bureaucrat? Dusting is so underwhelming when you've just read about this poor woman who's soon to be ex-husband tried to choke her one night because he found some emails...

Oh, someone please send an intervention my way!!!!!!!

I knew it was bad and I was really ashamed today when I was still in my pj's, fixing the kids lunch and the phone rang. It was Sam's teacher. His poor little mouth was hurting and he needed some Motrin. (The dentist adjusted his appliance yesterday and I sent a note to this morning saying it might end up hurting before the day was over.) So I had to actually get dressed to take medicine to my child at school. How awful is this???? Paul being on vacation this week has really thrown my schedule off-whack in the worst way. Next week is my early week for babysitting and I always get up at 5:30 on those days because she brings him at 6:15. That will help at least get me up and dressed...now as for the blogging... nothing is going to help except possibly shock therapy, a 12-step program and maybe the termination of my electricity.

The Diva has spoken at 3:48 PM CDT
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Cramps, cramps, and more cramps
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: More of the chirping and croaking and such
Ooooookay, obviously I'm going to have to have some help posting a FREAKING PICTURE on here. I've tried twice and both times I get the adorable little box with the cute x in it. Bullcrap. If it says my photo has been uploaded and all that should it NOT be on the stupid page?? Huh? Should it not??? Answer me THAT!

Started my period, can you tell?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr she says as she has the urge to kick something. Something cute and fuzzy. Or better yet, how about something in the husband department??? Ooh yeah, like that one better than kicking something cute and fuzzy any ol' day.

The Diva has spoken at 11:28 PM CDT
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Gooey ankles
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Alan Jackson - Remember When (what a precious song)
I'm eating my last 2 points allowable as I type. Nothing says "I'm a compulsive overeater" than wolfing down a snack-size bag of BBQ chips (which I hate) and a Special K bar simply because I was tired and frustrated at the kids and now I feel bad about it. I need a meeting or something...geez.

We went to the Fair tonight again. This time the blessed animals were there, much to my chagrin. Of course, what was I to expect, it is the Fair after all. Walking through the oh-so-aromatic Swine, Sheep and Dairy exhibits makes me ever so glad that my children are too young for that crap and have no desire to do it anyway. They could've done bucket or bottle calves this year, but I just flat-out refused the one time it was mentioned. Mainly because who do you think would end up feeding the sucker? Good ol' Momma, that's who. Well, this momma has better things to do, like blog, for instance.

I wore capris and flip flops to the Fair. Who has officially become a city-girl wuss???? I used to get all dressed up in my tight-fittin' Rockies and boots, complete with big ol' belt buckle to walk around that hot-ass place. (That was a hundred pounds and what seems like 4 lifetimes ago, too) Usually the temps are over 100 during the Fair. This year it was only a measly 90. Freakin' cold snap, I'm tellin' ya. But anyway, back to the first thought in this paragraph, the flip flops and capris. I now have the oogiest feeling feet in the universe! The kids kept kicking the shavings they line the pens with up onto my feet, I stepped in God knows how much poo-diddle from various breeds and species, it was dusty and in the Dairy barn they had water fans blowing which makes your entire body just damp enough to attract every particle of dust in the area. Not to mention what it does to naturally curly hair. I have this insane fear that I am going to run into an ex boyfriend and look all damp and curly, chasing my 3 snow-cone syrup covered children around in my damn flip flops. I mean, when I see an ex boyfriend I at least want to look a little less like the white trash than I really am...who wouldn't? Of course, I always see one particular ex at WalMart while I'm yelling at the kids, swatting rear-ends, threatening to take away birthdays for the rest of their lives and he just laaaaaaaaaughs. Wonder why he's an ex...hmmm let's ponder that one awhile. Nah, let's not. And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump:"And that's all I have to say about that."

Man, I started out talking about yucky feeling feet and digressed to an ex-boyfriend.

I need more BBQ chips. Bleh, no I don't. Darn. We're out anyway. :P

The Diva has spoken at 9:43 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 9:48 PM CDT
Monday, August 16, 2004
Monday, Monday
Now Playing: A WWE interview with the Diva hopefuls...whatever...
First day on Weight Watchers. At 6pm I wrote down my points for dinner and totaled them for the day. If I were to eat only my minimum points I still had 11 to go before bed. 16 if I wanted to max out and not bank any points. I called my sister, who is the WW Queen, and she said she was a bit overcautious when she started, too. Then told me to get eatin' because I had to at least eat my minimum. Never in my life did I feel such pressure to eat! I wasn't hungry! I had just a had a big ol' salad and even had dressing that wasn't Lite for Fat Free. My stomach only growled once today. I was pretty durn proud of my eating for the day.

Of course, not so proud of the ice cream I wolfed down super quick to use up those damned points. Still working on wise diet choices, obviously,lol. I was still within my points, though, so it wasn't like I blew it at day's end. It just wasn't the healthiest of ways to use up 14 points.

The County Fair started tonight. So begins another week of wearing my campaign shirt every time I walk out of the house again. Election day is next Tuesday so the Fair is our last time to see lots of people and bring in those undecideds. There wasn't much going on at the fairgrounds tonight, so we bugged out kinda early and went to get ice cream (whoo hoo!) and this precious little old lady came over and started talking to us, noting we were obviously campaigning, telling us she'd just been to the Masonic Hall and they were all voting for my uncle and all of her Bridge-playing friends were, and well, she voted for him last time so she might as well this time. It was cute. She said she'd heard nothing but nice about him and she couldn't think of a better way to vote. I told her I appreciated that and had to quell the urge to hug that precious woman! I'm a softie when it comes to the elderly. The movie, Cocoon, nearly gave me a stroke, I cried so hard. Just one of my quirks.

Well, the kids have been in bed since 8 and this new bedtime for them makes my bedtime earlier as well. They're usually in bed by 7:30 and by 9 I'm yawning and looking for my pj's. You can forget about me lasting through the 10:00 news, too. I can make it to the weather sometimes, but I never see the end. So much for the forecast.

Husband's on vacation this week... have I mentioned how annoying that gets?????

The Diva has spoken at 9:25 PM CDT
Sunday, August 15, 2004

Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Trace Adkins - Rough and Ready
Well, the Mystery Tour Friday night wasn't quite everything I wanted it to be, but it was fun regardless. For one thing, they had entirely too much of it staged and cued this time. Kinda ruined it for those of us who wanted a good authentic scare. Tif, however, got her $10 worth and kind felt like she needed to pay them extra because she was scared beyond belief. She didn't sleep a wink that night, bless her heart. It started at 10 and we left the theatre at 1:15. It was much longer than any other tour we've taken before, but normally there aren't more than 10 in a tour. This time there were 30. It took a lot longer to get to different parts of the building waiting on all of us to get settled and such. There were some really spooky things that happened that I truly believe were real, but like I said, too many things were too cued. Such as, "Sometimes when it's quiet you can hear the faint sounds of an orchestra from long ago..." *cue the violins* And then from the stage...the sound of a violin. And not even a good one at that. I'd like to think that anyone performing at the theatre would've sounded better than a cat in a washing machine. But then again, I guess when you've been dead for 60 some years you might be a little rusty the first time you cross over and pick up the fiddle again.

Last night we went to Tulsa to the Talons game. Second round of the play-offs and naturally, they won. Goooooo Talons! Arena football just entertains me to no end. It's so much more action packed than regular football and definitely more violent. Not that violence entertains me...okay, so yes it does. I do love WWE, remember?

After the game we went to a big ol' country bar where my sister became really good friends, very quickly, with Mr. Tom Collins. Sadly, the relationship was over just about the time we hit the interstate, bless her heart, and had to pull over to let him out of the car to find his own Buick. The fact that she claimed repeatedly "I never get sick when I drink" was what jinxed her. She even made the typical drunk's oath: "I am NEVER drinking again!" We all laughed, having been there ourselves. She solemnly swears she will forever be the DD, partaking only of Diet Coke for the rest of her life. Shalom, she has spoken. Whatever.

I am always amused by people in bars. Take 1500 horny cowboys/cowgirls/rednecks, place in enormous building with two bars and one giant dance floor, mix in a smidge of bad country band, copious amounts of liquor and generous amounts of hormones. Blend well. The results:
^Girls squishing themselves into outfits that have no business whatsoever being on their squishable bodies.
^Men trying to unsquish aforementioned girls from their clothing, sometimes on the dance floor, sometimes leaning against the bar (the latter of which we witnessed last night *shudder*).
^Attached couples doing their dead level best to piss each other off and/or make each other jealous.
^People showing off tattoos and piercings that should have never been done in the first place.
^Lots of boobies. Most of them less than half-way covered and several of them threatening to tumble all the way out the first good sneeze that comes along.
^Guys competing for the coveted "Alpha Male" position in the Pool Table Jungle.
^Girls giving other girls looks that could be skated on, have been known to cut glass and might possibly even be used as the jaws of life in certain situations.
^Really bad dancers (My cousin and I would know nothing about that, btw)
^People putting their tongues in places that honestly a tongue should never go, especially in public.
^Conversations that border on disgusting and the filing of felony charges.
^Entirely too many middle-aged women who look like they've been rode hard and put up wet. Many, many, many times...over and over and over again.

I could SO go on further, but that was just a small sampling of what we experienced. Of course, I'm sure someone else today is blogging about the pathetic looking table of oh-so-obviously married people in the corner, giggling every time the blonde dumped her ice in everyone's lap, watching two of them attempt the Cha-Cha Slide and fail miserably, the two guys watch ESPN on the overhead TV until their eyes would start drooping, the fat chick trip over her flip flops repeatedly, the newly-turned 21 year old shake her thang like a thang was SO obviously meant to be shaken... but I would have no earthly idea who would blog about those poor folks anyway...

The Diva has spoken at 10:41 PM CDT
Friday, August 13, 2004
Black cats, ghoulies, ghosties and possibly even toenail fungus
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Birds chirping merrily outside my bedroom window - Dang, I feel like Snow White or something
Oohhh Friday the 13th, woooooooooo...spooky day....wooooooo....the unsettled spirits are walking abouts.....woooooo...okay, enough of that crap. Big freakin' deal, it's a Friday and it's the 13th. I ain't buyin' it.

But, I am partaking in some spooky haunted festivities tonight, so I guess maybe I buy it a little. Nah, I really don't, but this is the only time they're giving this tour until October. The town we live in has this beautiful old theatre that was built back in 19somewheresprettyold and it's in the process of a million-some dollar restoration. Well, I've been going to the Coleman Theatre Beautiful since I was a child, used to watch Pink Panther cartoons there and even saw Bambi for the first time there. We've done Little Theatre there, gone for opera events, movies, talent shows and anything else you can use an old theatre for. It's on the National Historical Registry (or whatever it's called) and is right on Route 66, so it gets lots of publicity. It's haunted, as well.

Two years ago in October they opened it up on Friday and Saturday nights for Mystery Tours. You pay your $10 (used to be $5 till it got popular, lol) and spend an hour and a half to two hours in the locked theatre getting the piss scared out of yourself. Good times, lemme tell ya. It's not like a spook house where the headless dude comes out of nowhere with the chainless chainsaw and there is no part of the tour where you have to crawl through cold spaghetti and feel peeled grapes. This is legit, people. I went 4 times the first year it was opened up like this and the tour was different every time. Now granted, I do believe the tour guide does a few things for theatrical purposes, but I do believe there are spirits and energies there that are not of this time or world. We've smelled the cologne of the old theatre manager, heard "Abigail's" skirts rustling through the balcony, felt cold spots and last year Sis even felt Abigail touching her hair, trying to calm her down when she had a full-blown panic attack. Last year in the balcony as well, we could hear the noise of a crowd from long ago. It was very faint, but it was the murmur you hear before a performance begins, quiet talking,etc. The first 4 times I went it was eerie, spooky and entertaining but at no time did I ever feel threatened or really frightened. Last year I went on the tour one time and left before it was over. Whatever was in the theatre with us that night did not want us there and wasn't happy we weren't leaving. I felt like I should oblige since he/she/it was so adamant, so I sat in the van through the rest of the tour. Sue me.

But I'm going again tonight to see just how scared I can get again. Sure to be a treat! I'll write about it over the weekend, you can bet on that, lol.


Btw, if you type in www.colemantheater.com you are going to be directly linked to a XXX site. Of course, you are going to do it now, lol, but I thought I'd give you fair warning. There isn't a good official site for the theater anymore, but a Google search will turn up some articles on it.

The Diva has spoken at 3:56 PM CDT
Thursday, August 12, 2004
First Day of School!
I officially have a 2nd grader and a Kindergartener. *sigh*

The morning went off without a hitch, although the wait for the bus was a rather chilly one. I think it was about 50 degrees this morning and I haven't gotten out the windbreakers and jackets just yet. Brr! We weren't quite sure when the bus would come, so we walked down there about 6:45. Last year PsychoDriverFromHell would show up anywhere from 6:55 to 7:15 and if you weren't ready, pissonya and you missed it. She drove like 55 on the dirt roads and got the kids to the school earlier than they were supposed to, allowing more mischief to occur than should've. I just automatically prayed every morning that the kids would arrive safely. So we now have a really jolly looking older fella driving for us and he seems just about as grandfatherly as you can get. The kids love him already. Several parents had complained about the earliness of the bus, so it has been moved back and doesn't get to our house till 7:20. That allows my kids to sleep past 6:30, bless their hearts. Of course, Sam gets up, pees, puts on his clothes, brushes his teeth and he's ready for school. Abby requires a tad more preparation seeing as how she takes after her mother, lol. We have to foo-foo the hair at least 5 times, curl it, fluff it and whatever else may be necessary. Then of course there are the two sets of earrings to be installed into the earlobes, the body glitter to adorn the arms and chest, the body spray to just make her obnoxiously odorous and usually I find her, at least once, just standing in front of the mirror gazing at herself. I'm so glad Kady's going to be a biker chick.

Speaking of Kady...gotta do the Mommy thing and relate a Kady-ism from this morning. She cried when Bubby and Sissy got on the bus, which I was expecting, so on our walk back up the driveway I was trying to distract her with conversation about the upcoming day's events. Plus talking to her kept my mind off how durn cold my toes were in my flip flops and it kept Kady's teeth from chattering, too. It was foggy as all get out and from the end of the driveway you could not see the house. We had made it about halfway to the house when it finally came back into view, although just barely. Kady looked up, stopped in her tracks and threw her little arms up and said, "OHHH NOOOOOO!" I looked around thinking snake, turtle, mouse, lion, tiger, bear, whatever. I realized where she was looking, which was directly at the house. She dropped her arms and very emphatically said, "Oh Momma, my house is melting!!!"


The Diva has spoken at 9:44 PM CDT
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Stupid mood thing won't let me put in "pissed at the universe" .... rassin' frassin'....
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Big n Rich - Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy
My first thought was actually to write this entire blog in caps because that's just how crappy I feel today. Like I just want to yell at everyone. I'm having a serious pity party or something.

Oh yeah, today's Tif's 21st birthday so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIF!! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! LOL

Okay, that out of my system I can go back to being sullen and cranky.

I forgot to write about my adventure at the clinic on Monday. This one is sure to captivate. Okay, first of all the reason I even decided to swallow any pride and clear my afternoon schedule to sit at that durn clinic was because my allergies are just about to kill me. Secondly, I am decided that I am now ready to lose some of this damn weight.

I have in recent years come to revel in my queen-size figure and my self esteem has skyrocketed, realizing (finally!) that I am sexy and attractive in my own right and if nothing else, my husband loves my curves. But just in the last few months I have become a slug - a hateful, lazy, tired-all-the-time cow and I hate that. I have 3 kids who I would like to watch grow up and the road I'm taking is sending me to a miserable existence on blood pressure and cholesterol lowering medications and no energy to watch ballgames and anything else. I don't want to be that kind of mom!!! SOOOOO...I thought I'd see if they would prescribe me some of those magic weight-loss, appetite reducing pills. Ha! That was a silly thought on my part. It's the Indian clinic, hello! As the hateful doctor told me: "We don't DO diet pills here." Okay, want me to smoke some peyote or what? Native Americans are at such a high risk for diabetes and heart disease, you'd think they'd be a little more aggressive in weight loss approaches. But no. He did offer to let me visit with the dietician. Nah. All they are going to do it put me on a 600 calorie a day, salt restricted, no fat, no flavor diet that there is no way I'd stick to. Well when I went in I had already decided to start Weight Watchers again, I just thought the diet pills would give me a boost or something. *sigh* Weight Watchers is still the plan, just sans drugs. So while he's looking over my chart and I'm sitting there in the incredibly uncomfortable silence he hatefully tells me that my blood pressure is high. Hmm... your attitude and the stress of the clinic itself doesn't have a thing to do with that, Mr Dr-man...nah. I told him that I wasn't having symptoms of high blood pressure (I had a little bout with it about 5 years ago when my marriage was heading towards the creek without that proverbial paddle) and his all-too-quick response was, "Of course you don't have any symptoms. You never do till you fall over dead of a stroke." I'm betting he never gets friendliest employee there at IHS.

So after another uncomfortable 5 minutes of him judging me, he says he's sending me for an EKG, chest x-ray and labwork. At that point I was glad for two reasons: Glad that he was almost done with me and getting ready to go harass someone other unsuspecting soul. And also glad that I was at the indian clinic because all the crap he just ordered would've cost upwards of $2000 at a regular doctor's office.

He tells me to take my top off and he'll send in someone to do the EKG. Enter Nurse Ratchet. "Lie back and relax" she says as she jerks out the little foot rest at the end of the table. The sound of that alone send my blood pressure up another 20 points. So she then throws open my paper gown, exposing my entire chest. Okay, I'm not a real modest person, but come on, let's give a person a little shred of dignity. She goes to sticking little circles all over my chest and stomach. I was just focusing on a little dot in the ceiling overhead. Then she grabs 12 wires with aligator clips on the ends. Maybe it was an insane thought, but I just worried for the safety of my nipples at that point. No kidding! She was clipping those suckers on those paper circles quick as you please and I was certain that one was going to end up on the end of a nipple and then I was going to punch her square in the nose. Fortunately she hit her targets all 12 times and it was over in about a minute after it started. I was feeling pretty violated and was actually looking forward to the labwork and just wanted to put my bra back on. I was not happy with the whole way things were shaping up at that point. Okay, so on to x-ray where this kid who was not a day over 13 (Okay, so I exaggerate) tells me the machine is down and can I come back. Do I have a choice, geez. Then he tells me that Tuesday it'll still be broken, Wednesday they'll install new parts, Thursday will be regular scheduled maintenance so Friday will be the earliest they can do it. Fiiiiiiiiine. He then tells me to go back to Waiting and someone will call me to Lab. I get to Waiting, no sooner settle my rump in the chair than they call me to Lab. It's the same kid who just walked around the corner, picked up a different phone and paged me to Lab. AGHHHHHHHHH He tells me that it's a fasting test and asks when can I come back. I say "Tomorrow would be fine." Come on, here's the interactive part of today's blog, guess what his reply was.... go ahead guess.... Yep, they can't do it then. I suggested Thursday. Nope. I was really frustrated when, through gritted teeth, I said "What - about - Friday?" Bingo! Then it was back to Waiting at 5 minutes till 4. One hour in the clinic at this point. Which, I really shouldn't complain, because it used to be on a walk-in basis only and you just counted on a 4 hour minimum wait any time you walked through the doors. I settled into a chair, wishing I had brought a book....played a game of Snake on my cell phone till the battery started beeping....counted the ceiling tiles....watched a fly crawl all over the sign to the Pharmacy....mentally compiled a list of Christmas presents for the kids.... and Praise the Lord at 4:25 they called me to the Pharmacy to pick up my little bottle of steroid nose spray - which, by the way, gives me such a vicious immediate headache that I'm sure it's giving me a tumor.

I just can't be happy, can I?

The Diva has spoken at 11:19 AM CDT

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