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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Bleh
Mood:  don't ask
Well, it'll be quick tonight. I know I always say that but tonight it really will be. I've got a sick baby. Okay, well she's 18 or so days away from being 8, but she's still my baby. She came home from school early today and it's just gone downhill from there. I figure I have about 8 minutes left now until she barfs again, so I thought I'd post real quick before it's back to puke duty, as I so lovingly call it. How come husband never does puke duty? Not once in our parenting careers has he ever pulled a 2-night stint of sleeping on the couch, holding little heads while they heave into a trashcan. He doesn't know what he's missing. Actually, yes he probably does. He may be smarter than I give him credit for...

There are 2 kindergartens at the kids' school. Yesterday the class that Sam's not in, ended up sending 7 kids home before day's end. That particular class is afflicted with the projectile vomiting, high fever virus, whereas Sam's class has mostly been coming down with the high fever, headache, severe abdominal pain minus the vomiting variety. Either way you get some serious sick kidlets. I talked to Sam's teacher tonight and she told me that if I wanted to keep him home tomorrow to keep him out of the germs for 4 whole days she didn't see a thing wrong with it, in fact she sounded like she was borderline encouraging it. They're out of school anyway on Friday, so I figure if he stays away from the school till Monday we might let a few germs die in the process. Of course, his sister is here germing up our HOUSE, so we'll see what happens.

You know what happens to parents who pull continuous rounds of puke duty, right? Ooohhh I'm gonna be SO pissed off if I don't get to drive in the derby this weekend... You will all get to witness one furiously insane 31 year old woman throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum. You'll also, though, get to see pictures of my husband driving my purple car in the derby instead! That's almost worth yakking uncontrollably for 24 hours. Okay, no it's not. I SO take that back.

The Diva has spoken at 9:12 PM CDT
Monday, September 20, 2004
The car!
Mood:  on fire





Keep in mind, now, that she's not done yet. Sis and I will purty her up on Friday. But I just HAD to get a picture up on here! I'm like a mom with new pics of her baby! Albeit she's a metal, lavender baby...

The Diva has spoken at 3:52 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, September 20, 2004 3:55 PM CDT
Sunday, September 19, 2004
All the redneck boys love them redneck girls
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The kids fighting over the Nintendo
Yesterday the kids and I went to Joplin and spent lots of their daddy's money and wore ourselves out. No one has their durn cowboy boots out on the shelves yet, so poor little Sam got the short end of the deal. Abby got some really cute boots that look like she stepped through a sheep to get into the boots. Her exclamation was "I won't even have to wear socks with 'em!" Kady got some Mary Janes and some more Strawberry Shortcake shoes. Twice a year she gets new ones; tennis shoes in the fall and sandals in the summer. What are we going to do when ol' "Shootcake" isn't popular anymore?? But Sam got some Spiderman pj's and two new belts, so he was relatively happy. Found out, though, that Sam does NOT like Dip 'n Dots, which really is the "ice cream of the future", and the future is now, my friends. Personally, I could founder on those tiny, sub-arctic pearls of dairy goodness, but the boy does not share in his mother's delight. The moron at the little kiosk was a snot and said, "What, you mean like he doesn't like ice cream?" Which when you read it, sounds pretty benign, but the fact that she said it with a toss of her greasy hair and followed it with a snort really irked me. I really had to hold back the urge to grab that green nose ring (which looked like a booger) and give it a good twist, shove her face into a vat of Dip 'n Dots and say, "Hmm, beeyotch, you got anything else nasty to say? Huh?" But since the kids were with me, I played nice and polite and said, "Guess not," turned around and walked off. I'm so spineless.

We drove back into town and walked down Main Street, taking in the Designs of Autumn Festival. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. I really wasn't all that impressed, but maybe it's just me. I did get to see one of my good friends, though! Christy had a booth there, selling her magnetic jewelry and we visited awhile. Gosh, I hadn't seen her in so long!!!! She gave me such an awesome compliment when she told me that daily, her "time" is when she gets to sit at her computer and read my blog. Wow. So now when I don't see the comments rolling in by the bushels I at least know Christy is there reading my blog out loud to her husband, Mark, every day! You guys rock!!

After the festival (which every time I say the word festival I can't help but think of "Festivus!" from Seinfeld, lol) we split up kids, Sis taking Addison and Abby to see "Annie" at the Coleman and I took Kady and the boys with me to the auto shop to try on my demo car. The guys said the seat was stuck and they were afraid I couldn't reach the pedals. Keep in mind the guy who drove the car last year is called Hightower for a reason. The guy is like 6'8" and I get a crick in my neck when I talk to him from the depths of my not-so-lofty 5'2" stature. I wasn't really sure I was ready to get in the car yet, because after all I'd been shopping all day and had on my leather flip-flops, good jeans and a white blouse. But the guys were adamant and heck, my masculinity was in jeopardy if I refused. So into the car I went. They haven't sealed the passenger door yet so that's how I got in. They kept making fun of me for not trying it through the windshield, but I told them that getting in there in what I was wearing was a big enough of a stretch for me that I was not going to risk my clothing any further. I did not dare say a word when I plopped my big butt down on a couple of huge nuts and bolts they had left in the seat. I just winced and settled in. Probably be sporting a couple of bruises from them, though. Fortunately I could reach the pedals fine and took a moment or two getting a feel for my car and quelling my urge to scream "NOOOOOO I DON'T WANNA AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!" but again, I checked the masculinity meter and decided that would not be apropos. Then I heard the words "Fire 'er up, Ma!" which is what Husband #2, aka Richie, calls me: Ma. So fire it up, Ma did. Ohhhhh man...it was pretty close to orgasmic, people. She's loud and rumbly and dirty and dusty and I got in touch with my inner redneck when I hit the ignition. The guys had me practice my skills by getting me out into the parking lot and yelling "STOP! BACKUP! GOGOGO!! STOP! GO! BACKUP!" until I was lost in a veritible dust and gravel storm, coughing and laughing like a loon. The kids thought it was a hoot and cheered me on with gusto. I found out later that I'm also not driving Powder Puff. My car's too small for that heat, so I'm driving with the boys in the mini-car competition. I nearly had a panic attack, even though I was so in love with my car by then that I couldn't have backed out if I tried. The veterans assured me that I was going to be safer in mini anyway. Powder Puff is usually 3 to 4 cars and big ones, at that. And those girls suffer from serious road-rage. I do, too, but I think that for my first derby I'll be better off with a bigger group. I hope. I felt better when Hightower told me his 14 year old daughter will be driving in the mini heat, too. We start the redneck training out pretty early here.

Hightower gave me some pointers, then suggested I get a mouthpiece. I asked why, since I'd never heard of anyone wearing one. He said, "Well, your mom was over here today and she's really concerned about your teeth. She said she spent a lot of money on them!" Mom's not handling this well, obviously. She's actually downright hateful about it. Truthfully it doesn't offend me. She's a mom and she's doing her job. Really well. She's allowed some concern.

Husband #1 called to see if I was coming in to pick out my paint. Well, I'm kinda miffed at him today, so I told him to pick whatever kind of paint he wants and shove it, rather roughly, into his southernmost sphincter. Well, Husband #1 isn't a complete fool. He knows better than to actually pick out the paint himself, even if I did just tell him to pick it out then sit and spin on it. So he goes with the safer option: He has Husband #2 call because I have no beef with him - yet. Richie wanted to know if I wanted a red-purple or blue-purple, light or dark. I told him lavender. Now, people if you could only know Richie - he's a big boy, very sweet and quiet and nice, but very very redneck, with that good ol' boy drawl to go with it. I nearly laughed myself into a fit when I tried to picture him standing in the paint department at WalMart asking the crazy woman on the other end of the line what KIND of lavender paint she wanted. I'm sure my husband, the real one, was rolling in the floor. Then to hear Richie rattle off some of the names, like "Luminous Larkspur", "Violet Devotion" or would I just rather go with a nice Periwinkle. I'm nearly in the floor at this point, telling him between guffaws that I'm not a big fan of Periwinkle, it's too blue. "Too blue...hmm....well, let's just go with a Marbled Violet then. How's that sound?" BWAH HA!!! Sounds great, Pa.

The Diva has spoken at 1:44 PM CDT
Updated: Sunday, September 19, 2004 1:54 PM CDT
Saturday, September 18, 2004

Now Playing: Dierks Bentley - How am I Doin'?
Okay, I have been a bad blogger as of late. This is one damn crazy life I lead. But then again, doesn't everyone?

Okay, before I go any further I have to make a declaration. Hold on tight, here's she comes:

I AM DRIVING IN MY FIRST DEMOLITION DERBY NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

Whew...I feel so much better. Sometimes I just shout it out for no apparent reason. Well, there is an apparent reason - I'm excited!!!! I've wanted to do this for 2 years now and am FINALLY getting to do it. They had the first one here in town in September of '02 and you can ask my neurotic friend, I started talking about driving in one that very night. In fact, her husband said if he ever drove in one I could drive Powder Puff in his car. What a friend! But alas, Mike hasn't ever decided to drive. So last year another friend of mine drove and said I could drive Powder Puff in his car, but then the afternoon of the derby, his mom had to go out of town and he had no one to watch the baby. Well, he really had worked hard on his car and I hated for all that work to go to waste, so I offered to babysit. Dreams...dashed...*sigh*. Well, it just so happens that the guy my husband does construction with now is really good friends with one of the cops in town who drives in every demo derby and tough truck competition around here. (Didja follow that?) SO I just nonchalantly asked if he thought Hightower would let me drive his car in Powder Puff. What a generous man Hightower is - when asked he said, "Heck, we'll just get her a car of her own!" If I weren't married I think I'd have a crush on that man. I might anyway. *wink* He donated the car and Richie and Paul have done the work on it, with Hightower's help, of course. They put a $30 oil filter on it and a $9 fuel injector and it'll cost me $12 for the gallon of paint and another $10 or so for the paint to purty it up. So for roughly $60 I am going to forever go down in at least the family's history books!

I actually got to see the car for the first time yesterday. I took Paul and Richie out to lunch because they have worked so hard on that car this last week. So after lunch they had me drive out to the shop to check her out. Now, they had told me it was purple, but my gosh I think I have corneal burns now from looking at 'er. Lord have mercy, that is one OBNOXIOUS color of purple! I'm going to repaint it a milder color of lavender, hoping that if we get bleed-through the two purples meld harmoniously. Friday Sis and I are going over to put a few feminine touches on it. For one, she's painting a garden gnome on the hood for me. I love gnomes and she thought that my car should sport one. I love that girl. Of course, REDNECK DIVA will be emblazoned down the sides in hot pink and we're going to paint a border of daisies around the windshield - erm if there was a windshield - around the gaping hole where the windshield once was. The thing has set open for a year now so of course, she's a little rough in the interior. A cat has slept there once or twice seeing as how there's cat hair all over the seat, not to mention pods from the overhanging trees, beer cans and bottles and lots and lots of dust. The air conditioner works great. That's God's air conditioning, I'm tellin' ya. LOL Abby took one look at it and said, "Uhh, Mom? Are you gonna vacuum it out before you drive it?" Sis found a beer bottle in what used to be the dash, set it up and said, "Oh we MUST find you some flowers for that!"

I gotta say that while we were all standing around looking at it I felt mightly manly. I got this strong urge for a chew, then that was quickly replaced with the desire for a cigarette, especially when one of the guys from the shop spit right at my feet. Oh wait, that was my husband. I'm toying with my masculinity, but I don't think I'm ready for a plug of tobaccer.

My mom is pissed off beyond belief. She will not even allow me to talk about it to her. She thinks it's ridiculous and dangerous. Well, duh. Nah, I know she just worries about her little girl. I will worry about my little girl when she wants to drive a demo derby, too. (OH I can SO see Kady doing this! Abby, not so much.) But you know, I am 31 years old and this is something I really want to try. Like I told my Dad the other night: At least now I won't look back one of these days and say "Man, I wish I had." Dad laughed and said, "This is true, but Sunday morning you're liable to say, 'Man, I wish I hadn't!'" Okay, so if I do, I do. I'll have fun in the meantime. And you will not believe the people who actually say to me, "You do realize you're going to be bruised, right?" *gasps* Really? Oh, well that changes everything! Bullcrap. Yes, folks, I know I will be bruised. I will be sore. I will hurt. I am not that dumb. Dumb enough to drive the derby, but not so dumb I don't realize the repercussions. Geez.

Okay, I'll step off the soapbox now and go take a shower. I'm taking the kids shoe-shopping today!! I'd rather have a root canal...


The Diva has spoken at 8:06 AM CDT
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
My spidey-senses are tingling...
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Hey Ya - Outkast
MY GOSH but I'm tired. And all I do is stay home every single day. *she says sarcastically*

Just like Jenn did last week I'm going to relate the goings-on of my day. This is just today, but rest assured that every day is pretty much like this. Unless it's a day that we actually LEAVE the house - then it's 4 billion times worse.

10:30pm last night - Finally bedtime. I fall into the bed after a nice long hot shower. But alas, the husband starts breathing on me and well, you know what this means. Yep, I realize that's goin' right into the ol' TMI file, but oh well, it's MY blog and I can write it if I want.
11:30pm - SLEEP (yeah, we were really on an ol' roll last night, hubba hubba y'all!)
3:30am - Sam come in and does the "stare at Mom until she wakes up all kinds of freaked out". He'd had a bad dream, then decided to relate the entire thing to me. Now, normally I'm pretty sympathetic, but at 3:30am, sympathy does not come easily. Neither does sharing a bed with two males, both of which snore.
4:00am - I give up and move to the couch.
5:30am - Blasted alarm goes off. I reset the sumbitch to 6, this means I don't get a shower before the kids leave for school, but then, does one really have to look their best before the bus runs?
6:00 - Alarm again and I bounce off the couch. I read awhile back that if you actually bounce out of or off of whatever you are sleeping, you meet the day with more enthusiasm. Whatever. Bullshit. I still bounce, though, thinking that one of these days it'll work.
6:05 - Making the day's gallon of sweet tea. Gosh, I love living in the South. Okay, so we're not really the South, but we still like sweet tea.
6:10 - Tea brewing in the microwave, I go pee. (hehe, Jenn, I just had to put it in mine too!)
6:11 - I am visited in the bathroom by my son. Someday I am relatively sure I will pee in solitude once again.
6:15 - Kady joins Sam and I in the bathroom where he's peeing now and telling me about his nightmare again.
6:30 - Time to wake up Princess Abby.
6:35 - Fix Kady a cup of milk and hand her a Nutri-grain bar. This will be the extent of my breakfast making abilities this morning.
6:45 - Sam asks me to check the menu and when I announce "Meatball subs" he groans, grabs his belly and falls to the floor. "Iiiiii haaaaaate meeeeeeatballlll suuuuuuuubs!" Gosh, ya big baby, so do I, but you don't see me rolling around on the linoleum.
6:50 - I am slapping PB&J on a hamburger bun, throwing Cheetos in a ziplock and trying my best to stuff a huge banana in his itty bitty novelty Spiderman lunchbox. It's one of those that is supposed to sit on a shelf, but he insists on carrying it. Glad he's a little guy and doesn't eat much.
7:00 - Fortunately Ab wants dog-ears today and I am relieved that I don't have to curl her hair. While I'm playing early-morning beauty shop, I'm yelling at Sam to get his shoes on, yelling at Kady to eat her Nutri-grain bar and trying to wake up Husband through the baby monitor in Kady's room. (Which he hates. Which is why I do it.)
7:05 - Sis pulls up with Gentry and Addison. I step out on the porch with 3 kids and some still wild-ass hair, no bra and morning breath, still cranky because I have yet to drink any of that tea that I made what seemed like eons ago. Sis and I chat awhile then she decides she really need to go to work. Fine, be that way. Don't stay and play with us, go and be successful and wear your makeup...where was I? Anyway...
7:15 - The bus picks up the 3 bus kids and I can discontinue the vigil out the front window and finally get a shower.
7:20 - Ahhh...shower. But of course, I'm interrupted multiple times by Husband, Kady and at one point I think Gentry. Some days the shower is a haven - others, not so much.
7:45 - Drying the hair, having a conversation with myself as to whether makeup is going to be a part of this day. I decide that it is definitely not going to be a part and neither is fixing my hair. Ponytail time.
8:00 - Computer time and FINALLY a glass of sweet tea. The kids are watching Nick Jr and all is well with the world.
9:30 - First daycare kid arrives.
10:00 - Last two daycare kids arrive. The circus has begun. The morning is punctuated by countless "no no's" and "Andrew, STOP that, we don't DO that, sweetie!" and several declarations that no, we do not jump on the couch no matter how fun it is and no, jumping from the couch to the ottoman isn't an alternative.
10:45 - My kitchen counter looks like an assembly line in a PB&J factory. Finally 5 sandwiches are complete and adorn plates along with colored Goldfish cracker and grapes.
11:00 - I call the heathens, I mean little darlings, to the table and lunchtime is punctuated with more declarations, such as "Gentry, do not hang Goldfish out of your mouth like rotten teeth. Would you like it if I did that?" (Silly question, the little bugger said yes.) "Drew, no grapes do not go up your nose. Chandler, no more than one grape in your mouth at one time, dear. Kady if you 'write' on the table one more timewith that grape I am going to spank you butt and take away your birthday!"
12:00 - The children have been banished from the living room because it is now time for Kiki to watch All My Children. I do not miss All My Children and do not like to be interrupted whilst watching All My Children. The children know this. They comply.
12:30 - Commercial break, the children are put down for a nap in the 2 minute break from my show. Damn, I'm good.
1:00 - AMC is over and now it's computer time for me once more.
3:00 - Munchkins awake.
3:30 - We walk to the end of the driveway to get the bus kids. Normally they walk up by themselves, but today I had to get the neighbor girls.
3:45 - Myself and 10 children walk back up the driveway.
4:10 - Bub picks up Addison and Gentry. There are now 8...*sigh*
4:15 - Snacks. Grapes are awesome snacks. Throw in some Ritz crackers and apple juice and kids have a smorgasbord.
4:30 - I check out folders, set Abby down to do homework, decide on a time to attempt to fit in Parent Teacher Conferences for 2 kids, while juggling daycare kids' schedules.
5:00 - Two parents arrive and take away 4 children. And then there were 4...

It's now 6pm and these kids are griping for dinner. What do they think I am - their mother or something? Gosh, you'd think I was supposed to FEED them or something!

I just read over the events of my day and realized that no where in there does it mention dishes or laundry - then it hits me I DIDN'T DO DISHES OR LAUNDRY TODAY. Agh, guess I'll do that tonight...husband better keep his breath to himself tonight. I just don't think I'm up for anymore of that business... Last night oughta hold him over for 3, maybe 4 weeks...right? RIGHT????

The Diva has spoken at 6:03 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 6:04 PM CDT
Monday, September 13, 2004
Finally! The weekend in review...
Mood:  special
Kind of like Derek over at Son of Cheese I have a ton of stuff to relate about my weekend. Wow...it was a veritable whirlwind of excitement and activity, mixed in with 14 hours of fun with my octogenarian Papa and great-Uncle Homer. A good time was had by all and my ribs never got such a workout. If laughter is the universal cure they talk about, I oughta be good and healthy from all the laughing we did.

Friday night was my high school's homecoming, which we had planned all week on attending. But mysteriously around 1 in the afternoon on Friday I broke out from my hips to my scalp in hives. Why? Wish I knew. Holy crap I'd rather hurt than itch! So I popped two Benadryl and hurried off to pick up the munchkins at school to rush them to the optometrist (or "the guy who looks at Sissy's eyeballs" according to Sam. Her visit with the eye doctor was just as I had suspected it would be: her eyes had gotten considerably worse in a mere 6 months time. He said both eyes were a full 3 clicks worse and that he wanted to see her in 6 months because more than likely they would change that much again. She got my eyes, dammit. So then we met up with Sis at McD's for an early dinner, all the while I'm still itching and scratching like a dadgum mangy dog and about to lose my mind. After a tasty McMeal we went to karate and the boys both tested up another level. They're now both sporting new red stripes on their belts and miraculously, Sensei didn't have to give anyone pushups for once. By this time I decided there was no freakin' way I was going to sit through a football game digging at my skin like a crank addict. Which was probably good because we ran over to Papa's after karate to find out the itinerary for Saturday. Well, when you drive 45 everywhere you go, you tend to over-estimate travel times and bless his 86 year old heart, he wanted to leave Fairland at 5 am. Good heavens! So it was a good thing I didn't go to the game because I had to go to bed at 9 in order to get some decent sleep, then get up at 3:30.

Well, Papa picked up Sis and I at her house, then we drove around the corner and picked up Uncle Homer. Papa drives a big ol' Lincoln and I don't think that thing had ever been driven above 55 mph before Saturday, lol. Well, here we go, in the dark, heading onto the turnpike at 5:15am and the windows are fogging up.
Papa: Homer, I think the windows are fogging up. See if you can fix that.
Homer: Leo, I can't see what that thing says...is this the button I'm supposed to push?
Papa: Girls, roll your windows down back there for a minute.
*At this point Heather and I are holding back hysterical giggles at the conversation between them, plus the fact we are driving roughly 25 mph on the interstate*
Homer: Hey! (more button pushing) I feel warm air! And the windows are de-fogging!
Papa: Yeah, but don't leave that air on too long. Pulls on the motor.

It took us an hour and a half to get to Tulsa - a drive that takes me not even an hour normally. Fortunately he let Sis drive before we got into freeway traffic and lemme tell ya, she flat put that ol' Lincoln to the test! We made it on into Edmond around 8:30. And that was after stopping for breakfast! Go Sis!

Fortunately I brought along a notebook to write down the more memorable moments of the day. Heather asked me what in the world I was doing with my infamous Patrick Starr from SpongeBob notebook (as all world-famous bloggers carry, I hear) and I told her that I was pretty durn sure there would plenty of blog-worthy moments throughout the course of the day. She rolled her eyes, but as the day wore on she was going, "Did you get that one for the blog?"

Here are just a few of the keynote topics we discussed during the day:
*Hybrid cars fascinate Papa. "They're the car of the future, you know" according to him. This concept absolutely amazes him, which struck me as funny at first, but then I realized that he used to ride in a wagon to town, was the first farmer in Ottawa County to own a round hay baler and they used to load up calves in the Model T and drive them to the Capitol for a stock sale, so yeah, I guess a hybrid car would seem pretty far out to him.
*Semi trucks worry him. Oh my goodness if we heard him emphatically say the statement "Look! Look at all those trucks on the road! Agh, but there are too many of them!" once during the day we heard it a hundred times. It got to the point where we could just about tell you when one was coming, then Sis and I would bite our lips to keep from laughing.

Keep in mind I'm not making fun of Papa, I'm just humorously journaling my take on it all. I admire and respect that man more than just about any other person in my family, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the things that amuse someone his age! They've seen so much, been through so much...

*Heather was trying to evoke conversation from the backseat riders at one point so she asked Papa how he and Memaw met. He said she was a nurse's aid in the hospital in Stella, MO, and he was in there as a patient with typhoid "or something". LOL Or something? I'd think if I had had typhoid I'd sure as heck remember it.
*My sister is fascinated with all things "farm" right now. She has visions of being this farm girl or something. (Me, I'm content with country living, but I'll leave the farming to someone else. My ducks are the extent of my livestock.) So Sis strikes up a conversation with Papa about artificial insemination. Well, call me immature, but this embarrassed the heck out of me! Talking about bull sperm with my grandfather?!! It was way more than I was really comfortable with. I took advantage of that time to call home.
*Sis almost walked into the men's restroom at the McDonald's on the interstate. A very kind, if not a little crass, trucker kept her from actually entering the wrong one. Well, I missed this unfortunate event, so later when some trucker starts telling us about using the restroom in a bar I was a little taken aback. He actually used the words "urinal" and "piss" and I made a split-second decision that if he used ANY form, slang or otherwise, of the word penis I was SO outta there. Fortunately, he didn't and when we finally got free of him I said, "What prompted THAT?" Heather was about 12 shades of red as she spoke out the side of her mouth, "I-will-tell-you-about-it-in-the-car."
*We had to stop at a KFC to pick up some chicken for the reunion, since it's potluck and all. We pull up to KFC at 9:50, thinking the sign says it opens at 10. We sat till 10:10 and I finally said, "Do you think someone needs to go up and find out when they open?" Poor Uncle Homer, the most crippled-up of all of us, gets out of the car and goes to the door where the guy tells us they don't open till 10:30. Uncle Homer says, "Oh okay, well that's no problem, son. But in the meantime, could I just get a barrel of chicken?" I wasn't sure, but I figured there probably wouldn't be enough at this reunion to merit a whole entire barrel of chicken. Fortunately he just came out to the car with a bucket instead.

The reunion was really interesting. It's a reunion of what's left of those who attended 4 one-room schoolhouses in Edmond back in the 20's, 30's and 40's. There were about 40 there this year, which they said was the biggest crowd they'd had in awhile. Every year they start out remembering those who've passed on in the past year. I can't imagine being at that point in my life...counting off on my fingers those of my friends who've passed since the last time we got together. Two precious little ol' guys played the mandolin and guitar and we sang You Are My Sunshine and The Red River Valley. One even broke out the harmonica for one verse. During dinner, the oldest fella there (93) treated us to stories, all of which started out with "You remember the time...?" He told us he bought his first car for $16. That amazed me. $16 won't even buy a pair of jeans for my kids now, but back then it bought him a whole entire car. Wow. Sis and I sat across the table from Foo and Hinky, who are actual relatives of ours. We found out later that Foo's real name is Cecil, but couldn't help but wonder how he got dubbed something like Foo. I think Hinky's name actually is Hinky. Bless her heart.

We saw where they were born, the old place Grandpa Glenn farmed, where their schoolhouse was and then we were done in Edmond. We drove on into OK City to the memorial. That was a solemn event. I will try to get some pictures posted tomorrow (it's getting late now and I don't have the patience to fight with uploading tonight). We spent quite awhile there, reflecting, remembering and I shed a few tears. We didn't go through the museum because, well, Papa and Uncle Homer felt that $7 was highway robbery or something and refused to pay it. I would like to go back through it sometime, but it's probably best we didn't that day. I hear it's pretty emotional. We drove to the Capitol building after that. I had assumed we would actually go inside the building, but nope, we just pulled into the parking lot, Uncle Homer and I took pictures of the new Indian statue on top of the rotunda and off we drove again. Papa was obsessed with that Indian for some reason. I will make sure he gets a copy of the picture. We drove home about halfway on old Route 66, stopping at the "round barn" in Arcadia. It's actually round! Not multi-sided, but really round. Pretty cool.

Of course, Papa and Uncle Homer nodded off in the backseat on the way home. Heather and I chit-chatted and enjoyed some grownup conversation. After their naps, we were on the interstate again and about 30 miles from home when Heather passed a semi. When she got almost around him he honked. She jumped and said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong!" From the backseat we hear a snicker, bordering on a giggle, and Papa is doing the trucker honk pull thing! That totally cracked him up - the fact that the guy actually honked at him! It was the most hilarious thing I've experienced in a long time. A perfect way to end the day.

The Diva has spoken at 11:06 PM CDT
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Interesting if nothing else
Mood:  quizzical
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||| 26%
Schizoid |||||||||||| 46%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 50%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 42%
Borderline |||||| 26%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 46%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 54%
Avoidant |||||| 22%
Dependent |||||||||| 34%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Freudian Inventory Results
Genital (73%) you appear to have a progressive and constructive outlook on life.
Latency (30%) you appear to have an irrational view on the value of learning.
Phallic (73%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Anal (46%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity.
Oral (60%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence.
Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
The second test says I'm a "sexual compulsive"! My husband would SO disagree with that one. *wink* And Obsessive-Compulsive? Well DUH. Anyone who alphabetizes her canned goods has to have a little OCD lurking somewhere. Thanks to Jennfor the links to the tests!

The Diva has spoken at 4:59 PM CDT
Updated: Sunday, September 12, 2004 5:04 PM CDT
Friday, September 10, 2004
Insomnia
Mood:  irritated
Why is it when your body is the most tired you suddenly develop a case of raging insomnia????

The Diva has spoken at 7:58 AM CDT
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Ahhh...the sweet aroma of Clorox
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Angel - Sarah McLachlan
The germs have left the buildling!

I spent the day cleaning. Which led to more cleaning. Which led to de-cluttering. Man, I LOVE it when I can actually get rid of stuff! This is just one example of how much I accomplished today: Paul was standing out here asking me a question when I noticed him kind of looking very strangely here into the office. I said, "And yeah, while you're out here look at my desk!" He said, "I was! I can actually see wood now!" I couldn't tell you the last time we saw the writing surface of this desk, lol. I filed today, too. I abhor filing, but by golly, I filed it all away, sorted bills (Some of which had kind of been urm, well forgotten...gotta do some damage control calling tomorrow) and even paid a bill or two. THEN as if that weren't enough...I finished going through the kids' winter clothes tonight and now all that's left to do with them is just go through them with Sis and do the hand-me-down thing. Man, talk about a day of accomplishment!

I bought a thing of those Yaffa blocks yesterday to use as "cubbies" for my daycare kids. The ones still in diapers just bring a package of diapers and wipes to leave here, rather than bring a bag every day. The ones that are potty trained leave a change of clothes here in case they get messy or have an accident. But my foyer was getting really cluttered with bags and packages and wipes containers that I decided to opt for cubbies. I bought all the kids their own little pillows, too and am going to paint their names on the cases. I was so excited to get all their stuff put up tonight but when I opened the package of Yaffa blocks (is Yaffa animal, vegetable or mineral?) it looks like someone washed my Yaffa in hot water! It's LITTLE! A mini-Yaffa, if you will. I have a set of normal sized blocks but they ended up on the carport over the summer and need to be run through the car wash to power clean the goo and grime off of them. I was planning on using them in Kady's room for toys, but now it looks like she gets the mini-Yaffa. Hope I don't need to put anything larger than Happy Meal toys in there!

Oh man the weather here is so NICE! It's downright chilly out there tonight. It's perfect stand-on-the-front-porch-and-contemplate-the-universe kind of weather. And it's almost weenie roast weather!!! Ooh we've got such a brush pile just waiting for a good chilly night...can't wait!

My brother in law and sister in law came over this morning to visit. Paul's nephew is a Senior this year and playing football. Friday's Homecoming at our alma mater, good ol' Wyandotte High. Looks like we'll be taking in our first football game this week. I go to two every year - Wyandotte's Homecoming and Homecoming at the school the kids go to. That's the extent of my football activities. And I always leave with a headache given to me by one of two possible reasons (or if I'm lucky, both): 1. I see one of my girlfriends and we spend the entire game annoying everyone around us by laughing our heads off or 2. the kids are holy terrors and their dad is too "engrossed" in the game (translation: too busy avoiding taking care of the kids) to discipline them so it's left up to me to play big bad momma. Man! I love this time of year!

I'm working on my List of 100. Some of the coolest blogs I read have their lists posted, so I decided that I, too, must have a List. All the cool kids have Lists, Mommmmmmm and it's not fair that I don't have one, too. Suzy's mom lets her have a List, Mommmmmmmm. And yes, if Suzy jumped off a cliff I would jump too, so can I just have a List?

*shakes her head* Whew...all that talk about football games and Homecoming and I think I was magically transported back to high school for a moment... fuh-reaky.

The Diva has spoken at 10:19 PM CDT
Monday, September 6, 2004
I'd rather have actually been in labor this weekend
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: The whoosh and chug of the washing machine
Actual labor to produce a child was a breeze compared to this weekend!

Remember that GNO I was so anticipating Saturday night? HA! It kind of fizzled. Actually it went down in flames, a blaze of glory, poof it was no more. No more casino, no more laughing with the girls, no more fun in general.

WHICH was a good thing because at about 10:30 Saturday night Sam spiked a temp of 105.6. (This was about 30 minutes after he barfed all over me.) When Kady had Roseola she had a temp of 105, but 105.6 was just too close to 106 for my taste and I was one scared momma. I called the insurance's nurse advice line and they put me on hold. Screw that, I hung up on 'em. I called the ER and the nurse said to put him in a tepid bath. I've never done that before because it always seem cruel to me, but by golly that night I stuck him in there. It cooled him off in a hurry and he just sighed and said, "Oh momma, that feels so good!" He ran a super high fever all that night and into the next morning so around noon I had his PA paged. She finally returned my page at 2:30. And really by that time he was looking better, the fever was down and I figured he was on the mend. But she listened to my run-down of symptoms and said, "I go on shift at 3 and I want you to be there when I get there." So off to the ER we merrily go. They did a UA and he was able to produce all of barely a tablespoon, bless his heart. They took blood for a CBC and he was super brave. They did a chest x-ray and he thought that was wicked cool. They did a strep test and he gagged. And we waited. Finally she came back in and said that his white blood count was 20,000. Now, I'm not sure what it's supposed to be, but when I've said 20,000 to people they all gasp and go "oh my!", so I figure that must be pretty high. She said whatever it was was definitely bacterial, but she couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. Every test showed negative. He was also pretty dehydrated. She said she he was sick enough on paper to be admitted, but to look at him, he was sitting up, talking and acting pretty okay, so she said she'd run some fluids and antibiotics through him in the ER and let me take him home and I should bring him back the next day for a recheck. She said she wouldn't do that for just any family, but she's seen us for the last 3 years she felt like she knew us and that I made pretty good judgment calls concerning my kids. I really appreciated the vote of confidence and did take it as a compliment, but you know, when you've had all of 4 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, you almost kind of wish someone coherent could take over care of your sick child for awhile. But anyway. SOooooo...in come the paramedics to start his IV. Gosh, he was so brave I still tear up when I think about it. Of course, being dehydrated, they couldn't get the IV in and had to stick him 3 times. After the first stick I told him that for every time he got poked he got a toy. Then after that came out of my mouth I thought, Oh gosh, I hope they don't end up sticking him like 10 times! His PA actually walked across the street and opened up the clinic to get him a stuffed dragon because he was doing so good. He got enough stickers to open his own sticker store and was just generally made a 5-year-old hero. After about 250cc of fluid had gone in him he started pinking up and talking more and by the time 500 were in he was asking for tater tots from the Sonic. So where do you think we went immediately upon leaving the hospital?

Today we went back for his recheck and his white count was almost back to normal and they gave him the almost all-clear. The dr said if he ran a fever any more today to keep him home another day from school and to keep other kids away from him. AND to not let my daycare kids back in the house till I have disinfected and sprayed Lysol ad nauseum. Of course, he ran a fever this afternoon of 102.5. I guess it's a good thing the daycare kids won't be here tomorrow because it'll take a full day to wash all of the sheets and blankets he's touched,bbleach any bleach-able surface and drop a Lysol bomb in the middle of it all. These are good times, I'm tellin' ya. But my baby's better and that's the most important thing.

And the doctor said that when (notice I said "when" and not "if") his sisters get it at least it won't be on a holiday weekend. That is small consolation to his exhausted mother at this point.

The Diva has spoken at 8:46 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, September 6, 2004 8:50 PM CDT
Saturday, September 4, 2004
I'm back to as normal as I get
Mood:  spacey
First of all, let me say a great big THANK YOU to those who sent their sympathy and thoughts(and a hug - thank you Dave!) this past week. Even though I haven't been a blogger long, I feel like we truly are a unique group of individuals and a close-knit one at that! Guys, you rock.

Yesterday was the much-anticipated Kindergarten Luau and let me tell you what - it was everything I had anticipated: 20-some 5 year olds in Hawaiian garb eating hot-dogs on the lawn of the school in 90 degree heat. Yeah, all the fun of the islands right here in Oklahoma. My son has an aversion to hotdogs, so he ate a handful of Cheetos and a brownie at 10:45 (Which is such a stupid time to serve children LUNCH, in my opinion). I picked everyone up from school yesterday at 3:15, threw Capri Suns at them all to hydrate them while we drove into town. First stop, the barber shop. Sam and my nephew, Gentry, were both starting to resemble English sheepdogs. They had conspired in the back seat that they were both getting flat tops, yet again. I am sensing military in the future for both, lol. We then left the barbershop, got gas, then went to Great Clips to get Abby a haircut because her flippy-spiky-ultra-mod-my-cool-mom-lets-me-choose-my-hairstyle 'do was getting pretty shaggy. Bub took the 2 boys on to karate because the line at Great Clips was pretty long. FINALLY we leave the salon, Abby looking "all that and a bag of chips" once again and fly to the dojo for the last 15 minutes of karate. Sensei worked the boys really hard last night and when he finally let them go I noticed Sam was looking mighty peaked. I gave him a bottle of water in the van and told him to drink up, he was just hot. We drove the 8 blocks to the chicken place for dinner (it's nearly 6:30 by now) and when I opened the van door I saw one sick-looking little boy. Oh my goodness, he was pale, shaking, clammy and couldn't stand up. I immediately stripped him out of his gi, moved his booster seat to the middle so he could get some air and told the girls (who immediately pouted, of course) that it was pb&j for dinner because something was obviously up with their brother. As I'm driving home I'm trying to figure out what could be Sam's problem when it hit me. I asked him what he had had for snack that day, to which he replied "nothing." So, pretty much he had gone all day on that handful of Cheetos and a brownie. His blood sugar had bottomed out!! I threw a Dum Dum sucker at him (thank God we had been through the drive-thru at the bank earlier) and drove a little faster the rest of the way home. Once I got a huge spoon of peanut butter and some cheese in him he perked right up. Agh...poor guy was totally running on fumes. A friend of mine asked if diabetes runs in the family, but I poo-pooed it off as a fluke. Then my mother puts that motherly fear back in me by telling me that juvenile diabetes isn't partial to overweight children. Ohhhhh great, something to obsess over! Like I didn't have enough. So now I carry a juice box, crackers and Life-savers in the van in case it happens again. Man.

Then the poor little guy woke up at 1:30 this morning with a fever. He can't catch a break for nothing.

ROFL!! Gotta share a Kady-ism. Probably won't be as funny when I write it, but it cracked me up in real life anyway...

I just walked in to check on Sam and noticed the bathroom light was on and Kady was mysteriously quiet...not a good combo. I get to the bathroom doorway and she meets me there, attempting to block entrance. Keep in mind, she's 2, but acts MUCH older and talks much older, except for the pronoun confusion.
ME: Kady, whatcha doin?
K: (blank stare, eyes averting over her shoulder, more blank staring)
ME: Kady, whatcha doin?
K: Uhhhhh...notheeeeng
ME: Hmh. Ok, well then why are you in the bathroom?
K: Uhhhh...(light bulb goes off somewhere)Me just washed my boobies!
ME: (after biting my lip) You washed your boobies? Uhh, why?
(At this point, I noticed the side of the tub is completely covered in tub-crayon drawings. This isn't a crime, I don't care if they draw on the tub, mind you.)
K: Well (lots of dramatic hand motions at this point) see...uh...my boobies were all COLOR-DEE!
ME: Kady, why on earth did you color your boobies?
K: (blank stare)
ME: Tell you what, Sis...you can color the tub all you want, but don't color your boobies anymore, alright?
K: (Realizing she has dodged a huge bullet somewhere in the grand scheme of things) Ok, Momma! Want me to color YOUR boobies??

Well, I'm off, friends and neighbors! After the week we all endured, a group of us girls decided we deserved a GNO. It's 6:40pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Yeah...sue me. I was up all night with a sick kid, k? But in order for me to not lose out on a seriously needed GNO, I have to pick up the house, shower, dress and put together something for dinner by 8:30 when the husband is due home.

Wish me luck at the casino!!

The Diva has spoken at 6:41 PM CDT
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
Blue Wednesday
Mood:  blue
I really need to snap out of it. I'm a wreck these days. I've cried so much the last 2 days it's shameful. All I want to do is sleep because when I'm awake I cry. Not able to actually do all of the avoidance sleep I so desire, but I'd sure like to. These are signs of depression, I realize that. It's a good thing I don't have time to actually get depressed.

The boy from our church that I mentioned in yesterdays' blog...well, the family had to make the unthinkable decision to turn off his life-support today. I honestly cannot get my mind to grasp this thought, nor do I really want to. I cannot fathom the full realm of what they are going through and when my mind starts to try to conceptualize what they are enduring I just shut it down because I don't even want to ever think about something so horrible happening to my family. I have lost a child, I know about the bottomless pit of grief involved in losing a child, but the child I lost was an infant that I'd never met. I can't imagine having to actually say good-bye to a child you have held and touched and known for 16 years. Not that I'm trivializing any loss, but when I think about losing one of my children now...well, I'm not even going there.

I'm going to stay away from the blog for a day or two. I'm sure as hell not cheering anyone up and frankly, I just need some time to think without being a huge downer.

If you pray, please pray for this family's peace and comfort. If you don't pray, please keep them in your thoughts.

The Diva has spoken at 10:11 PM CDT
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
If you're looking for sunshine, flowers and rainbows...
Mood:  sad
...look elsewhere. The Diva is pretty blue today and I apologize in advance for any depression or rotten attitude I pass on.

First of all, I'm just a hair pouty these days because my husband is working a job and a half and I'm tired of playing "single mommy" now. In addition to his "real" job at the big WM, he's doing construction now. He and his friend are gutting and remodelling a house in town and when I say gutting....hoo doggies, do I mean gutting. It's a trainwreck, or at least it was when I was over there on Friday. They've done a lot since then and I'm sure it's shaping up. They really do good work and are hard workers. Which is good and bad. Good because they are getting lots of jobs lined up - right now they have work for a year. But it's also bad because the kids and I never see him. I see him more than the kids and only a tad longer. They go to bed at 8 and their daddy's getting home between 10 and midnight every night. Then he's off and running again in the morning. I'm usually in bed when he comes home, but at least he can wake me up and if I'm coherent I'll remember the conversation. Agh. We need the money, granted, but do we need it so much that we do it at the expense of our children who need their daddy? At the expense of our marriage? He asked me yesterday what my opinion on it all was. I told him that something had to give. And quick. I hate to be a real bitch about it, but geez. If I'm going to play a game of Single Mommy, I'd at least like to be gettin' some on occasion, lol.

Then my best friend, Tiff, calls today and drops a bomb that she and her husband might very likely be moving back to where they came from. They're my best "non-family" friends and I'm not handling this well at all. I'm crushed, to put it mildly. I am tickled pink that John's getting a wonderful job and they are going to be closer to their families again, but I'm bein' kind of selfish when I say that I don't want them to go! Trying to be a grownup when you wanna cry is really hard sometimes.

But all my whining about my absentee husband and relocating friends seems so trivial when I think about a family in our church right now. The 16 year old son/brother fell out of a jeep over the weekend and was run over. He's alive, but the outlook is not good. He's 16. Tell me there's fairness in that somewhere. Yeah, I didnt' think so...

I have tremendous faith in God, but sometimes the human in me just wants to throw myself down and scream out a good temper tantrum for awhile.

The Diva has spoken at 3:12 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, September 1, 2004 10:13 PM CDT
Monday, August 30, 2004
What a weekend
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: "Swiper no swiping! Swiper NO swiping!"
Well, as I mentioned Friday we were supposed to get the ol' tattoos - myself getting 3 Forget-me-nots (one for each kid) and one tiny unopened bud (for the baby we lost) and my husband getting a freakin' bull head. (Hey, at least I talked him out of getting one that's snorting. Ugh. Even I'm not that redneck.) But there was a 30 minute wait at Applebee's and by the time we got out the place was closed. *sigh* How disappointing. So we came home and had really loud "the kids are outta the house" sex. Gotta love that kind.

Saturday I slept till 10:30!! I honestly do not know when the last time I slept that late was. Even if the husband (on the oh so rare occasion) gets up with the kids on a weekend, he's still sending them in to get me up by 8:30. Paul had left for the house at 6:30 and I obviously slipped into a coma shortly after that. But man, did I feel rested! For the first time in a long time I felt like I'd had enough sleep. Mom watched all 5 grandkids till that evening. I picked mine up around 4:30 and we went to a wedding shower. Then spent 3 damn hours in WalMart. Agh I hate that place. Babs over at The Conversation Station spurred off a ranting session about the big WM and lemme tell you, there are a lot of people out there who hate that place as much as I do! But you wouldn't know it because I'm there every freakin' day and for many many moons at a time. They must pipe something into the air in there that keeps you in there...Yeah, I'm sure of it. Something so incredibly addictive that we can't leave in a short amount of time and we find ourselves coming back again and again. But I digress...

Sunday my mom, sister, myself and all 5 kids took off for Branson, MO to go to Silver Dollar City. We spent the entire day there and the kids had a blast. Kady rode her first big roller coaster and loved it! My little thrill-seeker. We shopped, ate, rode rides and walked ourselves plumb tired. The weather was perfect and the traffic wasn't altogether bad, seeing as Branson is famous for the stop-and-go traffic on the "strip". All in all we had a pretty good weekend.

Finally.

The Diva has spoken at 1:01 AM CDT
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Kids say the darndest things
I just took on two new kids to babysit and one is 4 years old and incredibly precocious. Her first day here she had taken a toy away from one of the other kids and of course, the victim was crying. I was trying to explain to the toy-taker that that is just something we don't do here. She was arguing with me and getting very exasperated in the process. "But I NEEDED it!" was her repeated cry. I explained that even when you think you need a toy, if a friend has it you just have to patiently wait your turn, whether you like it or not. She had finally had enough of my quiet, calm explanations. She stomped her foot, folded her arms and said, "Well! I don't even know why she's crying she's not even bleeding!"

********************************************

My son is in Kindergarten this year and his teacher is my first cousin. She is also one of the people I clean house for on a weekly basis. Yesterday in class, they were talking about finding solutions for problems. She told the kids that if you have a problem you have to think over possible solutions to the problem and how sometimes the first solution you come up with isn't the best and you have to come up with another. Her for-instance was her laundry. "Kids, I have a hard time keeping up with my laundry. So my first solution to the problem was to just not get my clothes dirty. But then sometimes here at school I end up getting dirty anyway. So I realized that my first solution wasn't the best and I was going to have to come up wtih another one." About this time Sam's hand shot up excitedly and he said, "Mrs. Murphy! Mrs. Murphy! You don't have to worry about your laundry - my mom does your laundry!"

The Diva has spoken at 1:14 PM CDT
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Tired. Oh so tired
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: CMT -- "I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney
What a day. This whole new babysitting expedition may be more than I can handle. I mean, it was only the first day with all 5 of them, so I'm not giving up yet. It's just going to take awhile to get used to the routine - if I can find time to set UP a routine! I managed to get 4 of the 5 to sleep at the same time (Mine was the only one who refused to sleep, the little bugger) and the house was almost completely quiet for nearly 2 hours. Heaven on earth, I'm tellin' ya.

Now enter window salesman. And 3 school kids straight from the bus. Now totalling 8 children in my house, one irritated dude peddling windows, a husband who was running late from his remodelling job and finally, 2 late-getting-off-work mommies. I had a veritable circus going on in my house this evening. It was insanity at its finest. Not to mention my sister's father-in-law had a pretty bad stroke this afternoon, so my niece and nephew ended up staying longer than normal and Mom came out right after the guy announced his outlandish price to us. Mom was upset over her youngest daughter's father-in-law's (keep up with me here) stroke then left here thinking that her oldest daughter had lost her mind and was going to buy incredibly overpriced windows. Bless her heart, she said she nearly threw up on the way back to town.

The windows were awesome and considering the current windows in this house are the originals built in in 1976, they looked pretty durn good. We were really set to buy them. UNTIL he gave us a quote. !!!OH MY GOSH!!! Granted, we have 19 windows in this house, most of which would have to be custom-made because they are freaking HUGE, BUT

$13,000 for WINDOWS??????

Momma said not only no, but hell no.

But for listening to his schpiel for 2 1/2 hours we got $100. Cash, baby.

Guess who's getting her new tattoo tomorrow night???

The Diva has spoken at 11:11 PM CDT
Typing fast
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: a Huggies commercial
I'm typing fast for two reasons today. One, the baby that I am now babysitting is into EVERYTHING! Were my kids at this stage so long ago that I had already forgotten how quickly the little buggers can turn the TV off or turn the volume up to 47 in 1.3 seconds? And how they must touch EVERYTHING, including every clean piece of silverware in the dishwasher with their slobbery little hands? And how if it were my kid I'd swat his chubby little hand a few times and it'd be done, but noooooo I can't swat him 'cuz he ain't mine and dadgummit if it isn't frustrating to find an alternative, kinder, gentler method of disciplining an 18 month old??????????????? OH MY GOSH...I seriously digressed on that one, eh?

The second reason I'm typing fast is THE LIZARD IS STILL IN MY BEDROOM!!! I ran across the little bugger (everyone's a bugger today, including the house reptile, geez) yesterday when I was cleaning. I picked up one of husband's hats off the floor and there he went, quick as an icky brown flash, over to hide under the quilt rack. I screamed. I mean, what other reaction would I have? I called my mom's office for some advice, because moms have the best advice, even if they are more scared of lizards than you are. The Wise One wasn't in, but her boss was and she's a true country girl. I said, "Nikki! You're a country girl - how do you catch a lizard?" There was a pause (during which I'm sure she was biting her lip so as not to laugh) and then she said, "Uhhhh, with my hands?" Smartass. Everyone's a smartass. But she did look it up online for me (Since I was too afraid to come out here and look it up. I swore I could hear him growl from under the dresser.) and the best suggestion she found was sticky traps. But you have to put bugs on it for bait. Grrrrreat, my second favorite thing in the world -- right behind lizards -- bugs. (Mice are #3, btw.) *shudder* Of course, husband was no help last night. He said since I was so afraid of the lizard that I should be the one to put out the traps and bait them because he wasn't afraid of a little lizard so it's not his responsiblity. Jerk. Then every now and then he'd stomp his feet at me to make me jump. Or run a hand up the back of my leg to make me scream like the nancy-girl I am. Need I reiterate that he's a jerk?

My luck the human little bugger will get caught in the sticky traps for the reptilian little bugger.

Oh, this is newsworthy -
Took the bra up one entire notch this morning. Helped with the saggy cup issue tremendously. But more importantly I took the bra up one entire notch this morning!!!!!

The Diva has spoken at 10:18 AM CDT
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
My head's a-spinnin'
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Some hilariously cute song about Mr Mom by, I think, LoneStar - so true!
Wow!! What a wild couple of days! As I mentioned, yesterday was Election Day around here and well, let me just say that I'm proud to be one of the First Nieces of our esteemed county! My uncle won with an overwhelming 69.77% of the votes cast. It was a pretty exciting night at the courthouse. I've got pictures and will get them on my Yahoo! photo album thingy tomorrow so you can peruse at your leisure. I'm sure you won't sleep tonight, you're so anticipating seeing them, right? Yeahhhhhhright. Humor me, k? I also have decided to take on two more kids to babysit. This opportunity came completely out of the blue and I wasn't completely prepared to make the decision, but it just seems so right that I can't help but think it is. These people are so flexible it's not even funny and when I said that currently I don't babysit on Fridays (That being my day "off" so I can go clean houses. No, I don't ever rest.) they didn't think that was an unusual request and agreed. Wow. I met them tonight, got to spend a little time with the kids and they seem like a great little family. It's going to make my days absolutely fly, I'm sure. When I did home daycare before I remember the days going by so fast and being so happily exhausted at day's end that it was a good thing. Of course, I didn't have 3 kids of my own then, so I may not be so happily exhausted as I used to be, but I think exhaustion will definitely come into play. This will give me 3 rent-a-kids and two rent-a-family members to throw into the mix of my own 3 rugrats! Life is so good. Noisy, but good. Sis told me tonight that she can already tell I've lost weight. Man, did that ever make me smile! I mean, you can see little things yourself, but to have someone else notice...well, that's just kicky. Sadly, the "little thing" I noticed today was the extra room in the cups of my durn bra. *sigh* WHY is it that when a woman loses weight the first place she loses it is in her BOOBS??? I have so much more fat on my ass that it only seems proper to lose it there first. Surplus and all, you know? This is just so unfair it makes me want to kick something. Agh, I've kind of gotten used to having voluptuous ta-tas and I'm not ready to let them go!!!!!!! Ha! "Not ready to let them go"...lol. Makes it sound like I can't keep my hands off of them or something. Geez, I'm sleepy. I better go before I start implying that I play with the aforementioned ta-tas all the time. ;)

The Diva has spoken at 10:34 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:26 PM CDT
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
G'mornin, mate
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Milo and Otis on the living room TV
Well, they actually did it - Kane and Lita got hitched. Of course, they wrote their own vows (I mean, who doesn't these days?) and Lita's was especially touching when she said, "I hope you rot in hell." *tear* Howwwwwww romantic!

Well, today's election day here in our little neck of the woods. My uncle's in the run-off and the tension has mounted to volcanic proportions this week. As the announcer before a wrestling match says "LLLET'S GET REAAAADY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE!" It's been such a mud-slinging debacle (ooh I used the word debacle!) on the part of my uncle's opponent that he's done nothing more than make himself look bad. (I was going to say he made himself look like a dog turd, but then I thought, "Well, now that's just not nice now is it?") The campaign went rather smoothly until this last week when I think the opponent started feeling desperate. Whatever. It's really okay to be a graceful loser. Really.

Yesterday my aunt called me and asked if I could bring some of that wonderful "free cheese" that is so popular among us white trashers to the watch party tonight. Not that I'm saying my aunt's white trash, lol. Just saying that around here a 5 lb. brick of commodity cheese might possibly get your lawn mowed for a month, is worth at least 3 weekends of free babysitting, and in the right circles is worth a kidney, if you know what I mean. *big wink* Behold the power of (free) cheese.

*Blog disclaimer: I have never gotten my lawn mowed, partaken of free babysitting, nor have I ever traded a kidney for cheese.

The Diva has spoken at 8:39 AM CDT
Does this actually surprise anyone?
Mood:  quizzical
What internet acronym are you?! sti
What internet acronym are you?

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The Diva has spoken at 8:10 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 8:15 AM CDT

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