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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Monday, October 11, 2004
HUH?
Mood:  incredulous
Okay, for those of you who know me fairly well you know that All My Children is my favorite soap opera. Actually it's the only soap I watch. The other ones suck. I've watched AMC since I was a grade schooler - yes we start 'em early 'round here - and remember when Tad Martin was a child. I am so damn old. ANyway, I was watching it one day last week and for the first time shook my head in redneck shame at my fine soap opera.

Commercial voice-over guy says "They're living the fantasy. Now you can, too." This line is said as shots of the glamorous women of Pine Valley are being shown in their sexiest, most glamorous outfits and giving us all the best "Come get me, baby" looks they can muster. Voice-over guys continues, "All My Children's Enchantment Perfume." Now here comes the most outrageous line I've ever heard:
"Live the fantasy at WalMart." HUH? What the-???? I love WM and all, but never once in my entire life have I ever had a fantasy of any kind involving WalMart, much less the perfume they sell there. I'm sorry, but do they really think that we're all going to run out to our local WalMart SuperCenter and grab every bottle off the shelf in some paltry attempt at making our trailer-park lives better? More glamorous? Full of adultery, murder, lots of liquor, sex sex and more sex...

Umm...sorry guys, gotta run. I just remembered a few things I needed to pick up at WalMart...

The Diva has spoken at 10:25 PM CDT
It's fall, y'all!
Mood:  chillin'
I put "chillin'" on my mood because it's freakin' COLD here! Okay, not cold, but definitely brisk. I LOVE this weather! Even though it's rained the last 4 days I still love the cool in the air and seeing new colors in the trees from day to day.

David asked me a few questions that I feel compelled to answer now that I have the time to sit here and think about 'em.

"OK, R-D, how's this:

1. Your favorite food -- the one you could every day, non-stop?
2. Favorite TV show -- ever -- and why?
3. Picture of your local area that you think captures the beauty of it.

Go!
"

Alrighty, David...
1. First of all, what a hard question!! I have actually pondered this one all weekend, trying to think of a particular food that I would want to eat every day and really couldn't pinpoint a particular dish, per se. I guess I'm going to have to be incredibly vague when I say "chocolate". Because I actually do eat chocolate all day every day! LOL
2. Thinking back about all the TV shows I've ever watched, I'm going to answer this one with "Little House on the Prairie." I grew up on that show, followed it to the very end and cried many a tear with my mom, both of us sitting on the couch, bawling and sniffling, sharing a box of kleenex. After I read the books, I got a little frustrated for awhile at the fact that it really didn't follow the true stories she wrote, but Mom told me that just because they were named the same they didn't have to be the same all the time. After that I was able to enjoy it again. ER and Alias are going to tie for second, just in case you wanna know.
3. I will take this particular picture tomorrow! I was going to today, but it was just so soggy and rainy and even though it was still beautiful, I decided to wait for some sunshine to go along with.

Thanks for asking, David!

Any more takers?

The Diva has spoken at 9:46 PM CDT
What kind of lottery did my nose just win?
Mood:  silly
The title is from the new Old Navy commercial where the chick jumps from her cubicle shouting of the stupendous qualities of the air she breathes....OH MY GOSH, that commercial has me rolling in the floor. Yes, I'm easily amused, I think we've discussed this before.

Well, first off I need to thank those of you who sent me well-wishes over the weekend. Thanks to Jessica, David the Better Living Guy (David just asked my questions from a few posts back, but anyway it made me feel better), Sychotic, Angela,and my new friend Sean, who googled "demolition derby" and found ME! Just seeing all the comments in my inbox this weekend made me feel so special and glad that I'm a blogger!

Okay, so Friday you know we cancelled the slumber party, but Mom, Sis and Bub and their kids all got to our house right about the time Paul got off work. But 6:30 the kids and I had already played with the karaoke machine long enough to cause a few fights and make a few kids pout, but ya know, I'm older and bigger and those kids are just going to have to learn patience when I'm singing, lol. *grin* Actually, I didn't sing much till Sis got there. The demo CD that came with the player had the song that Paul and I had had sung at our wedding and Abby thought that was ultra cool and she and I sang it as a duet many, many times before the family got there. Addison, Gentry and Sam were partial to "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", but Ab was mesmerized by The Wedding Song. Old soul, I'm tellin' ya.

The evening was filled with pizza, red velvet cake (minus an entire layer of cream cheese icing), presents, two hyper boys (I served kool-ade with dinner. Kool-ade is hereby abolished from Diva's house forevermore. Evil stuff, that kool-ade), lots and lots of karaoke and we capped off the evening with "Annie". It was a good birthday party, even if it wasn't filled with screaming little girls.

Listening to the kids singing made me wonder at their hearing because you oughta hear the words they sang!! LMAO Of course, we always sing the beginning of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" from Lion King with "Pennnnnsylvania! Come-a here-a big boy." Then "Pink pajamas penguins on the bottom...pink pajamas penguins on the bottom..." Yeah, we're a happy bunch. Makes no sense, but it's fun. Addison was singing "You ain't nothin' but a houn'dog, crackin' all the time. You anna nonna gonna robba and you ainna gone on time." There were plenty more, but I didn't write them down. I SO had to write down Hound Dog, though. Sis sang a rousing rendition of "The Bare Necessities". I sang "I Will Survive", which is a classic karaoke favorite. Sam, Abby and I sang "That's the Way I Like It" realizing we only know the "Uh huh" part - who knew there was more? Kady sang "Jesus Loves Me" a lot, completely a capela, since we didn't have a CD for that one. The pinnacle of the night was when Sis said, "Put this CD in, don't look at the title, but you're singin' it with me." Yiii...I was curious. Well, folks...say hello to "Diva Travolta" because I sang Danny's part in "Summer Nights" from the Grease soundtrack. My sister is forever known as "Heather Newton-John". And it was also ol' Sandy there who broke the karaoke machine with a high note. No kidding. It died and ate the CD. We're going to have to take it back to the store with the CD still inside because it's stuck for good. If you don't think I've had a ball teasing her for that one!

The next day was Homecoming and Sam and Addison did SUCH a good job! Mom's friends, Garry and Bev, have a yellow '52 Ford pickup the kids rode in in the parade and they had a ball with that. They did their part at the game like pros and looked so grown up! I teared up a little as I helped him with his tie before the game. I thought,"Ohh my goodness, there are going to be days when I won't have to squat down to help you fix your tie, Son. You'll probably have to stoop down for your momma..." and then came the tears. He just rubbed my arm and laid his head on my shoulder. Just gets ya right here...*sob*

It was so sunny and Addison's glasses are so magnifying that the poor child is rendered blind in the sunlight. We got a few pictures of her by herself with eyes open after the sun started going down a bit, but when this one was taken it was so sunny she couldn't do anything but squint.

Saturday night we went out to the only country club in town. Not country club as in golf, rich people and expensive drinks, but country club as in smoky bar that plays country music. Our neighbor is friends with the guy who was playing and we decided to go see him in person. He's a "Nashville recording artist" and actually had a video on CMT a few years back. He has a voice like an angel and I enjoyed listening to him. Paul doesn't like the bar scene much anymore so after an hour and a half he was yawning and fidgeting, subtly trying to get me to offer to leave. Party pooper.

UPDATE
When I posted this earlier I meant to save it as a draft but hit post instead. I didn't have anything earth shattering to finish with but am going to finish it anyway.

Yesterday was Sunday and two nights in a row I had stayed up past 2am and frankly I was tired. Bone tired. Christmas tired. I made a big breakfast for Paul and I around 11am then started a big pot of soup. I figured I could let it simmer all day long and voila dinner is served. I made homemade beef and vegetable soup. Paul doesn't like soup very much, so I have to be careful to pick and choose when I make it. I have to make sure the weather is just right for it or he won't eat it. He's insane. I could eat soup every day. Hey...I think I found the answer to one of the questions David asked above, lol. Anyway, I made an enormous pot of soup because we invited two other couples out for dinner. They never showed. I also made a big pan of cornbread, my Memaw's recipe. YUM I ended up freezing a quart of the soup, took another quart to my mom and fixed up probably another quart or so for Tiffany and Jill to eat at work today. Plus kept out a bowl for myself. Paul refuses to eat leftover soup - getting him to eat it once is task enough. So tonight the big butthead had a cold ham and cheese sandwich while I feasted on steaming leftover soup and cornbread. I think my stomach was happier.

The Diva has spoken at 9:58 AM CDT
Updated: Monday, October 11, 2004 10:02 PM CDT
Friday, October 8, 2004
This is what I get for not planning ahead
Mood:  rushed
Well, my "fan", Jessica told me she was having some problems viewing the blog, so I'm hoping this posts and I really haven't lost the entire thing, which I've heard happens occasionally. How many unfortunate blogs are out there floating aimlessly in cyberspace...?

Well, remember all the frenzy about Ab's upcoming birthday and ensuing party? Well, there's still frenzy, but scratch the party. Grab a glass of tea, settle in, because I'm about to unload a veritable fountain of words, folks.

I got up at the unGodly hour of 5am this morning. That's just 30 minutes earlier than usual, but for some reason it felt like 4 hours earlier. I showered, praying for some mystic awakening potion to come through the shower head, but alas, it didn't happen. Just water, as usual. Plus I got a bathroom full of steam which only made me sleepier. Of course, Ab woke up way early because she was pumped because IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!! (Happy birthday, Abby-girl - Momma loves you!) The other two followed shortly thereafter, Sam coming directly to the bathroom, just like every morning, throwing his arms around my waist and hugging. Man, that right there is worth getting up early for. Then here comes Kady Princess, stumbling from her room, curly hair wild and looking like she'd been through a tornado. She stumbled past me straight to Sissy's room to tell her "It's you birfday, Sissy," then turned around and walked out. She's so funny.

Well, the best thing about the day for Ab, as it turns out, is that she had an awesome hair day. Even she commented, "Man, I don't know what the deal is, but I've had good hair two days in a row!" Good gosh, but she's my child. Kady has really gotten the temper tantrums under control the older she's gotten, but the last two days she's been a little witch. She threw a humdinger yesterday that got her butt busted and threw another one this morning that almost got her spanked again. I was really peeved that the tantrums had reared their ugly head again, but figured it was the weather or some bubble in the barometric pressure or even perhaps that Mercury was in retrograde or something. Well, I figured out the reason...trust me I'm going to tell you, read further.

So anyway we get to the Dr's office and got in fairly quick. This was our first visit to this particular PA. Our old one switched clinics and I don't care for the Dr she's in with so I switched PA's. He is wonderful! Very kind, softspoken, interacted well with Abby and talked to me like I was a normal, middle-class mom. We're on SoonerCare, Oklahoma's fancy schmancy name for Medicaid, and when you flash that medical card sometimes you get a less than friendly greeting and sadly, sometimes care. But this guy obviously saw that I was normal and clean and a good mom, if I do say so myself. He checked her out and even let me see the tubes in her ears. I thought that was way cool. I've always wanted to see them, but never had the courage to ask the ENT. Talk about neat. They're blue! Why this impresses me, I'm not sure, but it did. I'm easy, what can I say. She right on as far as weight for her age and tall for her age, which I knew. She reminds me of a colt - all leggy and clumsy. Mom calls her Olive Oyl, lol. We discussed flu shots, which he said Ab and Sam don't need this year. Kady, however, does. She's got asthma and they recommend the flu shot for asthmatics. BUT they're not sure they're going to get them because they ordered from the company that got shut down and their license pulled. I'm keeping my fingers crossed we find a way to get her one, even if I have to bite the bullet and pay for it myself. I may hit y'all up for donations end of this month, LOL.

So Dr's visit done, we go to WalMart, pick out cupcakes (Butterflies and flowers for the girls and Shrek for the boys. God forbid boys eat butterfly cupcakes, geez.) Then head back to the school, which is about a 25 minute drive from WalMart. Kady fell asleep. Odd seeing as how it was only 8:30am. I got Abby settled in class and Kady and I headed back home so I could bake a birthday cake. It's about a 10 minute drive from the school to our house and Kady fell asleep again! Odd... When I opened the back door to the van to get her out I was met by a pale, shaky little girl with black smudges under her little eyes. She said, "Momma, me so tired," in such a pitiful little voice I could've cried. I told her she could lie on the couch and watch TV. And she did just that. She never just lies down and watches TV - she's the kind of kid who has to dance to every song, scream "SWIPER NO SWIPING" at the top of her lungs and shouts Spanish words better than I ever dreamed of. But no, today Dora, our faithful hispanic explorer, was on her own fending off attacks of that vicious Swiper, because Kady Princess was down for the count. I walked in to check on her, kissed her forehead and she was burning up. Her temp was 102.7. Guess who felt like a bad momma for spanking her over a tantrum yesterday and yelling at her this morning for one, when all this time she was getting sick! Man...I hate that ol' mommy-guilt that washes over from time to time...

Bless my mom's precious, angel soul. I called her (she took the day off work) and she immediately said she would take Kady, no she wasn't going to listen to me argue about it, and keep her overnight so the slumber party could go on. The only thing was her car wasn't starting so could I bring her in to her. Not a problem, I could definitely handle that. About 30 minutes after I had given Kady a dose of Motrin she perked right up, her fever dropped and she was almost herself again. So we met Sis and Mom at Arby's for a quick lunch and while we're eating Mom's cell phone rings. She says, "Yes, she's actually sitting right here, would you like to talk to her?" With a strange look on my face I took the phone to hear Sam's teacher on the other end. "Kristin, I know you don't want to hear this the day before Homecoming, but Sam's sick." I swear my heart stopped it's downhill plummet somewhere around my toes and the oh so tasty turkey ranch and bacon wrap I'd been eating suddenly turned to cement in my stomach.

So Mom, Sis, and I huddled to figure out Plan B. Mom took Gentry and Kady (because I was supposed to have Gent this afternoon) to her house, Sis was going to WalMart to get poster board for the Homecoming car signs and to get Ab's birthday presents for me, seeing as how I was going to pick them up after lunch, Mom had a secret stash of juice boxes at her house that I could take to Abby's class to go with the cupcakes, Sis also offered to pick up pizza for me, we called the parents of the girls who were supposed to spend the night, I allowed myself to cry a few desperate tears,the we broke huddle and play resumed once more. God bless my mom and sister. They are amazing.

I picked Sam up at school and was intrigued by the fact he didn't look too awful durn sick. Then he coughed. Oh holy night, that cough! Barking is more what it was. Perfect. I checked him out at the office, dropped by Ab's classroom to break the news to her. Bless her grown-up baby heart, she was so understanding. Yes, visibly disappointed, but very understanding. I tried to be as upbeat as I could, promising to reschedule the slumber party as soon as possible and her teacher was great, chiming in with "Ooh Abby it's Double Birthday Month! You get to celebrate twice!" Man, I love that woman. Abby nodded her head, took a deep breath, I saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes and upon exhaling she said, "Man, this sucks." Yes, Sis, I agree - this indeed sucks.

Her cake was supposed to be a shining moment in Chef Momma's day, but the humidity is about 9000% today and do you know what that much humidity does to cream cheese icing? It's not pretty, folks, not pretty at all. I've got it in the fridge right now, trying to firm it up a bit. Plus, when I got done frosting the cake I thought there was an awful lot of icing left in the bowl. It hit me - I had forgotten to ice between the layers.

I must've killed some cute kittens or been a bank-robber in a previous life to deserve all this today.

The Diva has spoken at 3:22 PM CDT
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
8 year olds and birthdays
Agh, what to get an 8 year old girl for her birthday??? She's my own kid and I'm still clueless. Ab's birthday is Friday and I literally have no clue what to get her. I've thought of several things momentarily, but nothing is just standing out as perfect.

We went to the big WM tonight to buy a karaoke machine, but they don't carry them? HUH? How can WalMart, the beholder of all things good, cheap and redneck NOT carry karaoke machines??? My mother in law gave her a brand new $100 bill for her birthday and rather than allowing her to spend it on crap (Which she would do in a heartbeat. God forbid she SAVE it or anything)I suggested karaoke. I know I'm her mom and all, but I will have to say the kid's got a voice and if nothing else, being able to sing and record herself is only going to foster that talent and hopefully develop some confidence in her. BUT no one in our blessed little town carries them.

I am swiftly running out of time to do everything that HAS to be done by week's end. Tomorrow night is Sam and Addison's homecoming practice (They are the honor attendants, aka crown bearer and flower girl, for the queen coronation) BUT I can't go because I will have a house full of kids and not enough seats in my van. So once again, Grammy to the rescue. Mom's picking them up when they get off the bus to take them. Something's gotta give here...the whole stay at home thing is supposed to be so I can do things with my kids, but it seems that I spend so much time taking care of everyone else's kids that I'm neglecting my own. Yeah, something's gotta give. ANyway, boy did I digress... Okay so now that I'm obviously going to have to drive to Joplin to look for the ever-elusive karaoke machine, now I guess I'm going to bake her birthday cake tomorrow night and freeze it. Then Thursday when I only have 3 daycare kids, I'll run to Joplin. THEN Ab has a dr appt at 7:40 Friday morning (her birthday, bless her heart) for her checkup, we will then pick up cupcakes for her class, I'll drive her back to school, decorate her cake, gather my sanity somewhere, be back at the school by 2:30 for her party, pick up the school kids (adding an extra for the slumber party), head home to await the arrival of the remaining 4 giggly little girls anticipating a night full of sugar, squealing and screaming and my bestest friend and anchor, Tiff, who has agreed to endure the slumberless frenzy with me. Then Saturday morning I will get 7 little girls (Oh yeah, and myself) and my son ready for the homecoming parade, get him settled in the parade vehicle, herd remaining 7 still squealy, screamy little girls to a safe spot on Main Street to watch the parade, THEN round everyone up, drive everyone home and be back to the football field by 3 when the game starts. Didn't I start this post out by wondering what to get the 8 year old for her birthday? WHEN am I supposed to find time for THAT now????????????????

WHERE'S THE FREAKIN'CALGON?! And not the ancient Chinese secret Calgon...the Calgon that whisks away harried moms and housewives to a bathtub full of bubbles and peace. Do you think I can get that in a 55 gallon drum?

The Diva has spoken at 10:57 PM CDT
Who'da thunk?
Mood:  incredulous
I have another fan! She called herself a "self-proclaimed Redneck Diva fan". She proclaimed it herself, folks. You can't beat adoration like that.

Her question was:
Other than driving in a demolition derby, what do you want to accomplish before you leave this earth? I have a list of things I want to do before I die. I made this list when I was a teenager and have stuck to it all these years, of course, adding as necessary. Topping the list is:
* Getting married and having kids. Been there, done that, got baby puke all over the t-shirt.
*Driving in a demolition derby was also on the list. Was able to mark that one off a couple of weeks ago.
*I want to ride in a hot-air balloon. I'm terrified of heights, but I still wanna do it. I may puke all over unsuspecting citizens in the town below, but by golly, at least I can say I did it.
*Being present at a real live childbirth was also on the list. Well, besides my own, that is. I was present for 3 of my own, but ya know, I didn't get the whole "spectator" experience out of it. "Active participant" was more my role. But, yeah, I was present at the birth of my niece, Addison. It was one of the most emotional, intense, beautiful experiences I've ever had the blessing of being a part of.
*Give birth at home. I'm not sure this one will come to fruition, but I'd sure like to do it, if I ever get the opportunity. I am quite happy with the 3 kids I have now and feel my family is complete for now, but if we have another one someday I'd like to do it at home with the kids here to share in it. I'm weird like that.
* Own my own business. This one's a big one for me. This is a long-time goal I've had and I'm really serious about it. For a long time I thought I'd like to own a cutesy, artsy-fartsy gift shop/craft shop/foo-foo gallery. Then it was an internet cafe/coffee house. Now it's evolved into a freakin' restaurant. I think I'm stickin' with restaurant.
*Finish college and get my Bachelor's degree. This is also a goal my mother has for me. And my sister. Seems that for a long time it was everyone's goal BUT mine, but now I think I'm getting more and more ready to take the plunge. I've gotta get this last kid in school full-time before I hit the books myself.
*Visit Prince Edward Island, Canada. This one is major, bigtime and of utmost importance. I own every book L.M. Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables ,wrote. I fell in love with her stories and that area of Canada when I was a pre-teen and that desire to visit PEI has never diminished.

There ya go, Jessica! Probably more than you actually wanted to know, but hey, with the Diva you always get more than you bargained for!

The Diva has spoken at 3:43 PM CDT
One
Mood:  incredulous
One. One person asked me a question over the weekend.

No, really it's okay. *sniff* I am alright with being adored by all of 2 people out here in Blogland. (One being Sychotic, my lone inquirer, and the other my dear friend, Christy, who swears she reads my blog every day.) *grabs a tissue and dabs her leaking eyes* I mean, I can't make you love me, right? Y'all go on about your blogalicious (I've got -alicious on the brain today, lol) lives and just ignore the poor redneck chick over in the corner. You know which poor redneck I'm talking about - the one with the ad-supported blog with no cool graphics and blogrolls and twinkly cursor trailers and such...it's okay. Really.

OH MY GOSH! I sound like a...a...MOTHER! LOL

Anyway, enough of that crap. I'm just going to answer Sychotic's questions even if the rest of you don't care. Yeah. I showed you, eh?

She asks:
If you could live in any state of the U.S. besides your own, which one would it be? I'd have to say Maryland or Pennsylvania. In fact, I tried desperately just a few months back to convince my husband that they have WalMarts in Pennsylvania and that I was sure he could get a transfer up there. He didn't bite. I have never lived anywhere but in Oklahoma, have visited only a few midwestern states and the one trip I took to Mississippi was amazing. I'd like to live somewhere besides the midwest someday. I don't necessarily want to live in MS, but somewhere on the east coast would be groovy. My parents lived in MD when they were first married and in the service and my mom still talks about it. I would move up there tomorrow if I could.

If you could live in any country besides the U.S., which one would it be and why? Canada? I honestly haven't given this one much thought, seeing as how I'm damn proud to be an American and have no desire to live elsewhere. But if the US like dropped off into the ocean or something like a modern-day Atlantis and I had to relocate I guess it'd be Canada.

There, I answered my fan. Notice I said FAN. Singular, not plural. *sigh*

The Diva has spoken at 11:37 AM CDT
Ever noticed
Mood:  quizzical
Seeing as how I'm cheap and haven't actually paid to upgrade my blog to something more than "advert-ilicious", I of course, have ads at the top of my page. Have you noticed what's up there now?

"Car Accident Broken Bones"
"Brokenbeauties.com" (wtf?)
"Broken bone accident?"
"Broken collar bone law" (There's a law concerning broken collar bones???)


Ha!

Stacie, my neurotic friend, noticed that a couple of weeks ago the ad at the top of mine was for borderline personality disorder. Hmm... The broken bones I'm sure comes from all the talk of demolition and such, but the personality disorder from awhile back makes me wonder if some secret governmental agency is patrolling blogs, checking for emotionally unstable writers in desperate need of mood-altering medications and/or shock treatment.

Something to ponder anyway

The Diva has spoken at 11:18 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, October 5, 2004 11:23 AM CDT
Monday, October 4, 2004
"You might not be as redneck as you think."
Mood:  loud
This is what my mom said to me when I was relating the events of our past weekend to her. And I am going to have to agree. This is why I'm so quick to put "diva" behind the redneck, because while I have many, many redneck tendencies, all in all, I am a pretty poor excuse for a redneck.

Don't get me wrong, I do love the races and simply cannot live without driving in a demolition derby again, but there are just some things that I won't do, redneck obligations or not.

I sat in the bleachers Saturday night after the guys kicked us girls out of the pit and watched mullet after mullet walk by, wondering why in the hell has this hair style not been outlawed? Gag. The reason I saw so many damn mullets was because right below us was the Kid Rock monster truck and boy howdy, if you wanna see rednecks, wife-beaters, tattoos and mullets just bring out anything that has to do with Kid Rock. He's our poster child. Geez, you would not BELIEVE how many rednecks have camera phones!!!! I'm sure the airwaves were hot with text messages and mobile pictures that night.

"Yo, Johnny Bob, chk out cool pix of me & KID FREAKIN ROCK's truck. Ethel sez hi 2 - CYA" followed by multiple pictures of Rosco in his wife-beater, 5 or so dirty cotton-candy-sticky kids gathered around him, stringy hair nearly covering the tattoos all over his upper arms, grinning like a mad loon in front of the beloved Kid Rock truck. I've said it before, I'll say it again: You can't make crap like this up, people.

Friday night was the demolition derby, which was way cool and made me glad I didn't drive in it. One woman was brave enought to drive and I will have to say she's way high up on my hero list now. Geez, these guys were out to maim and possibly kill. I mean, yeah, the payout was $1200, but for cryin' out loud a ride in an ambulance costs that! We saw more than one car get knocked way the hell over the 3-foot tall barriers, one car nearly knocked over and several that were hit so hard their car looked like it'd been to the crusher by the end of the heat. We went into the arena after it was all over, checking out the cars, looking them over, seeing which ones fared best and which ones are crap. All of the sudden someone yells "FIRE!" and lo and behold the winning car had spontaneously burst into flames. That was freakin' cool. But here's the hilarious part: instead of getting the heck outta Dodge, the driver dives head first into the car to get his helmet. Guy's gotta have priorities I guess.

Andy drove great in the tough truck competition Saturday night. He ran a good race and when he came around the back corner and went over one of the hills, when he landed he blew a tire. Everyone one of us groaned and we knew it was all over, but that guy is so cool he finished on the rim. We applauded that one, understandably.

After we played around on the 4-wheelers in the arena awhile, jumping the barriers and hills, we decided to head back to the trucks. Some guy brings along his whole dang kitchen and cooks some serious barbecue, lemme tell ya. Whoo, that was some good eats. I was SO hungry, having eaten nothing but a gyro from the midway earlier in the afternoon (Note to self: Don't eat gyros at state fairs.)and it was now roughly 11pm. So instead of being smart about it all and eating first, what did I do but start drinking. And fast. At one point, I think it was the point where I was sitting sprawled out in my lawnchair, my feet in my husband's lawnchair, bottle in one hand, cigarette in the other, staring at the sky, that Andy called out, "Sommmmmeone's a cheap daaaaaaaate!" I think I told him to bite me. Or some other sort of crude remark involving my arse.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Tiring, kind of boring at times, dirty, hot during the day, colder than crap at night and I didn't see my husband but about 2 hours the entire daytime, but pretty good regardless.

There's another demolition derby this weekend! Guess who's driving--g'head, I'll give ya three guesses....okay, okay, I'll just tell ya. ME!!! *does happy little demolition derby diva dance all around her office shrine to Kid Rock*




The Diva has spoken at 11:26 PM CDT
Friday, October 1, 2004
Annnnnd they're OFF
We're heading to the great state of Arkansas. No, no inbred, hillbilly, redneck comments from me - too many of my own durn relatives are from there, lol.

While I'm gone keep yourselves amused by posting questions for me to answer. Anything you've ever wanted to know about your beloved Redneck Diva, just ask. I'll even steal from Lachlan and take requests for pics you wanna see. I think someone asked to see how her window or something, lol. Hey, whatever. If you wanna know, I'm willing to tell/show. Well, to a point. You know what that point is....right? You better! Behave now.


The Diva has spoken at 11:40 AM CDT
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Here's a question:
Mood:  quizzical
In Mission:Impossible did he ever listen to the tape and just say, "Eh, you know what? I think I choose not to accept this one. Hell with it, I'm goin' to Vegas."

The Diva has spoken at 5:25 PM CDT
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
The Derby
Mood:  spacey
Well, let me recap Saturday's events best I can. It's been awhile, but geez, people I've been durn busy!!!

Saturday morning Sis and I went in to paint, finishing up the flowers and whatnot on the car. I didn't shower or get ready then, knowing it would be a hot, dusty, dirty event. I didn't get a chance to take pics until that night, though. Here's one of the finished car:

And another:


By the time we got done it was nearly 1:30pm and I still had to get 3 kids ready, get myself ready and get to the wedding on time. But I did it. We were even a hair early to the wedding (plus it started late), so I was alright, just getting nervous. Soon as it was over, I flew to the fairgrounds, still in my capris and flippy sandals. I figured I could change in the truck, but the pits were swarming with people and I just wasn't comfortable with that. So I had to walk alllll the way to the entrance where they had a restroom with stalls. I got changed, considered puking while I was there, but decided against it. Got back to the pits and basically stood around faunching and pacing. Just driving the car into the arena for the Best of Show competition made me shake like a leaf! The guys were laughing, so I had to suck it up a bit. So it came time for Best in Show - I didn't win. Neither did Andy. We were robbed by some redneck, racist pig who had nasty white-ist comments on his car. For one thing, the Elks shouldn't have allowed it. For another thing, the crowd should not have voted for him! I was livid over that. So then after the voting I had to get in my car in front of alllll those people in the stands. I could just imagine myself tripping and falling face-first into the mud, or worse, into the car! But I hopped up onto the hood like a pro, dropped down into the car and rumbled off like I'd done it every day of my life. My fans (aka, family) said I was lookin' pretty cool out there. Yeah, baby. So I sat in the pits, watching the Chains heats, growing more and more nervous by the second, trying to watch the derby and glean valuable tips and ideas. Mannnn...I didn't glean much. My teeth were itching, which is a sure sign I'm nervous. Yes, my teeth itch. I can't help it, it's just one more thing that makes me weird, lol. So I went to the bathroom, aka porta potty. Bleh, that didn't help, probably made me more antsy. I bummed a cigarette. So much for smoking calming a person down. I drank some water because for some reason I had NO SPIT IN MY MOUTH then. Then, I heard Andy holler at me, telling me we were up next. AGH! I was to the point where I was either going to start laughing hysterically or cry like a baby, I was so nervous. His daugher, Casee (she's 14) was just as nervous as I was. We kind of hugged and headed to the cars, both of us looking like we were heading to be slaughtered.

Paul, bless that man's heart, completely centered me. If y'all only knew him - he's 10 years older than me, very quiet and rarely shows emotion, publicly or privately. That's just him. I've learned to deal with it, knowing that he really does love me, somewhere inside all the redneck exterior. Don't get me wrong, he tells me he loves me and all, but as far as being a big emotional supporter, well he's not really into that. So he helped me put my helmet on, looked me squarely in the eyes and asked me if I was sure I was okay. I just nodded because if I'd tried to say anything at that point I'd have cried. He looked so concerned and so proud all at the same time. He tightened up my helmet, put his hands on my shoulders and said, serious as he could be, "Richie says to 'drive it like you stole it,'" which got us both smiling. "Now, get out there and kick some ass, baby," and that was that. He turned me around and nudged me toward my car. At that moment I was grounded, completely calm and ready to go. Okay, not completely calm, but calmer anyway, lol. I walked up the hood, dropped into the car, wiggled into the seat and there was my man again, at my window, situating my pillows (Yes, I had pillows between me and the driver's door. And they helped too!) and helping me with my seatbelt. Once more he asked if I was ready. I nodded, bit my lip and put 'er into gear. He banged the hood twice and sent me off. The Diva was in the zone, lemme tell ya.

The announcer shouted "Drivers! Are you ready??5,4,3,2....ONE!" and I headed in reverse, aiming at a black car right across the arena from me. BAM! The first hit HURT! But think about it, I've never been in a car accident (well when I was 3, but I don't remember it) so I really didn't know what to expect when I got hit by another car. But I shook it off, took about a half a second to gather myself and then the fight was on. It was pure adrenaline and determination flowing through me and I was out for blood. I made a good hit then CRASH I got hit by 3 cars at once. Yow, that was a brain-rattler. I managed to get free, got a clear shot and rammed a girl from our shop with all my might. Then her husband rammed me. It was fun! I got off to the end of the arena and my car died. I could hear it cranking, but it wouldn't turn over. I looked for my pit crew (Husbands #1 and #2) and they were trying to sign-language me through it. Finally, they just told me to break my flag because I was in danger of getting rammed just sitting there. It was over. But man, I was still high! I was #9 out of 17 to flag out, so not too bad for a first-timer. The derby was still going on, other cars still crashing and Sis was yelling at me that she was going to pay my fee for Powder Puff. That's what we call gettin 'er done! ROFL I hadn't intended on driving PowPuff, but had it not been for my battery I'd have gone a lot further in Compact, so I wanted my shot again. I knew I was going up against some big cars, but I didn't care! Here's a shot from the first heat:




When it was finally over, my husbands came out and determined that my battery was just going dead and the car was certainly still driveable. Ah, blessedness! I was definitely going to do it again. Paul looked so proud and so did Richie! They were both grinning from ear to ear, telling me I did a good job for a rookie. Yeah, so they added "for a rookie", but hey, I still took it as a compliment. They put in a brand new battery, sledged out a few minor kinks and at my request, fixed my trunk lid. It had popped up at the first hit and I had a really hard time seeing. I was ready to go again. An hour after the first round I was in the arena again, getting ready to smash into my redneck sisters this time. My little bitty purple Buick Celebrity looked like a mouse turd compared to the enormous red, white and blue Chrysler across from me, but I was undaunted. The hits were a lot harder that heat, but I still held my own. Once a chick hit me with her front-end square into my left front fender. Hard enough to kill both our cars. I looked over at her, she looked up at me, we both smiled and waved and backed up to go after someone else. That had me laughing out loud! Polite bitches, that's what we were. That aforementioned rw&b Chrysler hit me one too many times and I was after her. Oohhh, she was brutal! (She hit me so hard it konked my head against the frame. Thank God for helmets!) And I was going to get brutal back. Afterwards, my aunt Janet said, "I think you were pissed off at one point weren't you?" Hella yeah. I was #5 to flag out in that heat, it starting with 10 cars. Again, not too bad for a newbie.

I was noodle-legged when it was all over with, but oh so happy. I had done it!! My neck was really sore for a few days, my legs were sore from bracing (I think I mentioned that in the last post) and my chest was pretty tender. Now I'm fine, just sporting some cool bruises on my chest and boob, lol. We're going to Ft. Smith, AR, this weekend for the big stuff. Andy's racing his super cool, ultra loud racing truck and we're going along to pit crew and to watch and learn. We are SUCH rednecks!

If you want to see all the pics from the derby, email me and I'll send you the link to the photo album I made. There are some good pics, but too many to post on here. Here's one of the post-derby car, though:



The Diva has spoken at 3:54 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, September 30, 2004 5:19 PM CDT
Sunday, September 26, 2004
I'm a survivor
Albeit a bruised survivor.

OH MY GOSH PEOPLE THAT DEMOLITION DERBY HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just wanted to drop a quick line letting everyone know I am alive and fine and all my bones are still intact. I know you all lost sleep last night worrying about your diva, but sleep now, my children, momma's fine.

My legs are wicked sore from bracing against hits, (we estimated about 50 hits in two heats) my arms are a little sore and my neck is only sore when I tilt it way back (like to wash my hair - OW!). My chest however is in serious bad shape. Last night by 11 I had a bruise beginning at my left collar bone. This morning I have one on the inside of my right breast. Now it's just a matter of playing "connect the bruises" to form one gigantic diagonal line from left shoulder, across right breast to right ribcage. It's gonna be purty, I'm sure of that. And tender! YOWIE. Abby has been so lovey today and every time her head whacks into my chest it just takes my breath away. I spit dirt for an hour after the derby last night and am still blowing dirt boogers from my nose this morning. Hey, you can't make this crap up, people.

Well, I'm off to take a nap, aided by a hefty dose of Aleve. Trust me, I will post pictures of the derby and the car afterwards tomorrow. Today's priority is sleep and then a trip to WalMart to get groceries. The kids seem to think we need food in the house...geez.

The Diva has spoken at 12:44 PM CDT
Saturday, September 25, 2004
D-day!
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Jeff Foxworthy's radio show, Redneck Countdown or something
I'm sitting here in my office with a container of Yoplait whipped strawberry yogurt sitting in my guts threatening to do bad, bad things to my digestive system. Or maybe I'll just puke. Either way, I'm sure I'll feel better. I'M SO NERVOUS!!!!

Well, yesterday we painted the car! She's virtually done. Done to the point that if we don't make it in today to finish it'll be fine, no one would know but us. We're going to try to make it in to finish up the flowers on the roof. Yes, I said flowers on the roof. Hey, I'm a diva, alright?

Sis and I started painting around 2 in the afternoon, it being just us and the kids and some guy we didn't know in the shop. We stayed out in the lot, the kids played in the chat and we just had an all-around good time, laughing and trying to figure out what we were going to do with the artwork. Here's the gnome:



Aint' he cute?? Sis did an awesome job, I think! I did the lettering on the sides; my name, number and of course, Rule 42. I also called a friend of ours, Jim, and asked him if we could do a little free advertising for his businesses since I didn't really have any sponsors. He was thrilled and said that even though he wasn't a "sponsor" that if I got hurt, he'd kick in on the hospital bill. What a guy. I was bound and determined to keep "Git R Done" off of my car, because that is THE catch phrase these days and EVeryone will have it on their car and I wanted to be the only one without it. Well, what did I do but leave for a couple of hours to take Sam to karate and have dinner and I come back to GIT R DONE scrawled across the back!! ARGH!! I was PISSED beyond belief. It was only my husband there and bless his heart, he got the brunt of my verbal attack. He was claiming he was innocent and what choice did I have but to believe him. Later I found out that Richie's wife, Melissa, is the one that actually painted it on my car, but it was at PAUL's bidding. Guess who went into the doghouse. Heather and I were going to try and paint over it, but we just didn't have enough of one color paint, so instead we added a little feminine flair to it:



That'll teach 'em to mess with The Diva, especially when she has PMS.

Well, when we got back from dinner we also discovered they had locked up the shop. Here it was 9pm and I still had about 2 hours worth of painting to finish! So we pushed her over under the pole light. Yep. No kidding. Paul took the kids on home (they were dirty, tired and sunburned) and Sis and I painted till 11. We had so much fun! It was definitely a memory-making experience. I also practiced getting in and out of the car, something that has worried me to death. What if I look like a dork? What if I fall? (which I am prone to doing) What if I dent in the hood? (Oh yeah, that's already been done, lol) So we decided that the best mode of entrance is to just step onto the front bumper and walk up the hood, then jump down inside. Sounds good in theory, worked well in practice, we'll see how it works tonight.

I've got a wedding to go to at 5, I will leave there as soon as they kiss and fly to the fairgrounds, change in the van, then help with the prep-work. Best in Show competition is before the derby starts and I am definitely entering! Hightower, the guy who gave me the car, was getting pretty worried that I might actually win it. He was all cocky that his would be the best (my husband painted a killer joker face on the hood for him) but he kept coming over about every 15 minutes saying, "Girl, you've got me worried now. I think I'm gonna repo the car!" Sis and I secretly think that the GIT R DONE fiasco was actually some sort of sabotage on the part of the men.... the world may never know. Last pic for ya. We had to do something to incorporate the sunroof into the theme of the car, so we painted a flower pot around it and well, just look:




Vroom vroom! I'm outta here!

The Diva has spoken at 10:11 AM CDT
Updated: Saturday, September 25, 2004 10:15 AM CDT
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Bleh
Mood:  don't ask
Well, it'll be quick tonight. I know I always say that but tonight it really will be. I've got a sick baby. Okay, well she's 18 or so days away from being 8, but she's still my baby. She came home from school early today and it's just gone downhill from there. I figure I have about 8 minutes left now until she barfs again, so I thought I'd post real quick before it's back to puke duty, as I so lovingly call it. How come husband never does puke duty? Not once in our parenting careers has he ever pulled a 2-night stint of sleeping on the couch, holding little heads while they heave into a trashcan. He doesn't know what he's missing. Actually, yes he probably does. He may be smarter than I give him credit for...

There are 2 kindergartens at the kids' school. Yesterday the class that Sam's not in, ended up sending 7 kids home before day's end. That particular class is afflicted with the projectile vomiting, high fever virus, whereas Sam's class has mostly been coming down with the high fever, headache, severe abdominal pain minus the vomiting variety. Either way you get some serious sick kidlets. I talked to Sam's teacher tonight and she told me that if I wanted to keep him home tomorrow to keep him out of the germs for 4 whole days she didn't see a thing wrong with it, in fact she sounded like she was borderline encouraging it. They're out of school anyway on Friday, so I figure if he stays away from the school till Monday we might let a few germs die in the process. Of course, his sister is here germing up our HOUSE, so we'll see what happens.

You know what happens to parents who pull continuous rounds of puke duty, right? Ooohhh I'm gonna be SO pissed off if I don't get to drive in the derby this weekend... You will all get to witness one furiously insane 31 year old woman throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum. You'll also, though, get to see pictures of my husband driving my purple car in the derby instead! That's almost worth yakking uncontrollably for 24 hours. Okay, no it's not. I SO take that back.

The Diva has spoken at 9:12 PM CDT
Monday, September 20, 2004
The car!
Mood:  on fire





Keep in mind, now, that she's not done yet. Sis and I will purty her up on Friday. But I just HAD to get a picture up on here! I'm like a mom with new pics of her baby! Albeit she's a metal, lavender baby...

The Diva has spoken at 3:52 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, September 20, 2004 3:55 PM CDT
Sunday, September 19, 2004
All the redneck boys love them redneck girls
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The kids fighting over the Nintendo
Yesterday the kids and I went to Joplin and spent lots of their daddy's money and wore ourselves out. No one has their durn cowboy boots out on the shelves yet, so poor little Sam got the short end of the deal. Abby got some really cute boots that look like she stepped through a sheep to get into the boots. Her exclamation was "I won't even have to wear socks with 'em!" Kady got some Mary Janes and some more Strawberry Shortcake shoes. Twice a year she gets new ones; tennis shoes in the fall and sandals in the summer. What are we going to do when ol' "Shootcake" isn't popular anymore?? But Sam got some Spiderman pj's and two new belts, so he was relatively happy. Found out, though, that Sam does NOT like Dip 'n Dots, which really is the "ice cream of the future", and the future is now, my friends. Personally, I could founder on those tiny, sub-arctic pearls of dairy goodness, but the boy does not share in his mother's delight. The moron at the little kiosk was a snot and said, "What, you mean like he doesn't like ice cream?" Which when you read it, sounds pretty benign, but the fact that she said it with a toss of her greasy hair and followed it with a snort really irked me. I really had to hold back the urge to grab that green nose ring (which looked like a booger) and give it a good twist, shove her face into a vat of Dip 'n Dots and say, "Hmm, beeyotch, you got anything else nasty to say? Huh?" But since the kids were with me, I played nice and polite and said, "Guess not," turned around and walked off. I'm so spineless.

We drove back into town and walked down Main Street, taking in the Designs of Autumn Festival. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. I really wasn't all that impressed, but maybe it's just me. I did get to see one of my good friends, though! Christy had a booth there, selling her magnetic jewelry and we visited awhile. Gosh, I hadn't seen her in so long!!!! She gave me such an awesome compliment when she told me that daily, her "time" is when she gets to sit at her computer and read my blog. Wow. So now when I don't see the comments rolling in by the bushels I at least know Christy is there reading my blog out loud to her husband, Mark, every day! You guys rock!!

After the festival (which every time I say the word festival I can't help but think of "Festivus!" from Seinfeld, lol) we split up kids, Sis taking Addison and Abby to see "Annie" at the Coleman and I took Kady and the boys with me to the auto shop to try on my demo car. The guys said the seat was stuck and they were afraid I couldn't reach the pedals. Keep in mind the guy who drove the car last year is called Hightower for a reason. The guy is like 6'8" and I get a crick in my neck when I talk to him from the depths of my not-so-lofty 5'2" stature. I wasn't really sure I was ready to get in the car yet, because after all I'd been shopping all day and had on my leather flip-flops, good jeans and a white blouse. But the guys were adamant and heck, my masculinity was in jeopardy if I refused. So into the car I went. They haven't sealed the passenger door yet so that's how I got in. They kept making fun of me for not trying it through the windshield, but I told them that getting in there in what I was wearing was a big enough of a stretch for me that I was not going to risk my clothing any further. I did not dare say a word when I plopped my big butt down on a couple of huge nuts and bolts they had left in the seat. I just winced and settled in. Probably be sporting a couple of bruises from them, though. Fortunately I could reach the pedals fine and took a moment or two getting a feel for my car and quelling my urge to scream "NOOOOOO I DON'T WANNA AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!" but again, I checked the masculinity meter and decided that would not be apropos. Then I heard the words "Fire 'er up, Ma!" which is what Husband #2, aka Richie, calls me: Ma. So fire it up, Ma did. Ohhhhh man...it was pretty close to orgasmic, people. She's loud and rumbly and dirty and dusty and I got in touch with my inner redneck when I hit the ignition. The guys had me practice my skills by getting me out into the parking lot and yelling "STOP! BACKUP! GOGOGO!! STOP! GO! BACKUP!" until I was lost in a veritible dust and gravel storm, coughing and laughing like a loon. The kids thought it was a hoot and cheered me on with gusto. I found out later that I'm also not driving Powder Puff. My car's too small for that heat, so I'm driving with the boys in the mini-car competition. I nearly had a panic attack, even though I was so in love with my car by then that I couldn't have backed out if I tried. The veterans assured me that I was going to be safer in mini anyway. Powder Puff is usually 3 to 4 cars and big ones, at that. And those girls suffer from serious road-rage. I do, too, but I think that for my first derby I'll be better off with a bigger group. I hope. I felt better when Hightower told me his 14 year old daughter will be driving in the mini heat, too. We start the redneck training out pretty early here.

Hightower gave me some pointers, then suggested I get a mouthpiece. I asked why, since I'd never heard of anyone wearing one. He said, "Well, your mom was over here today and she's really concerned about your teeth. She said she spent a lot of money on them!" Mom's not handling this well, obviously. She's actually downright hateful about it. Truthfully it doesn't offend me. She's a mom and she's doing her job. Really well. She's allowed some concern.

Husband #1 called to see if I was coming in to pick out my paint. Well, I'm kinda miffed at him today, so I told him to pick whatever kind of paint he wants and shove it, rather roughly, into his southernmost sphincter. Well, Husband #1 isn't a complete fool. He knows better than to actually pick out the paint himself, even if I did just tell him to pick it out then sit and spin on it. So he goes with the safer option: He has Husband #2 call because I have no beef with him - yet. Richie wanted to know if I wanted a red-purple or blue-purple, light or dark. I told him lavender. Now, people if you could only know Richie - he's a big boy, very sweet and quiet and nice, but very very redneck, with that good ol' boy drawl to go with it. I nearly laughed myself into a fit when I tried to picture him standing in the paint department at WalMart asking the crazy woman on the other end of the line what KIND of lavender paint she wanted. I'm sure my husband, the real one, was rolling in the floor. Then to hear Richie rattle off some of the names, like "Luminous Larkspur", "Violet Devotion" or would I just rather go with a nice Periwinkle. I'm nearly in the floor at this point, telling him between guffaws that I'm not a big fan of Periwinkle, it's too blue. "Too blue...hmm....well, let's just go with a Marbled Violet then. How's that sound?" BWAH HA!!! Sounds great, Pa.

The Diva has spoken at 1:44 PM CDT
Updated: Sunday, September 19, 2004 1:54 PM CDT
Saturday, September 18, 2004

Now Playing: Dierks Bentley - How am I Doin'?
Okay, I have been a bad blogger as of late. This is one damn crazy life I lead. But then again, doesn't everyone?

Okay, before I go any further I have to make a declaration. Hold on tight, here's she comes:

I AM DRIVING IN MY FIRST DEMOLITION DERBY NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

Whew...I feel so much better. Sometimes I just shout it out for no apparent reason. Well, there is an apparent reason - I'm excited!!!! I've wanted to do this for 2 years now and am FINALLY getting to do it. They had the first one here in town in September of '02 and you can ask my neurotic friend, I started talking about driving in one that very night. In fact, her husband said if he ever drove in one I could drive Powder Puff in his car. What a friend! But alas, Mike hasn't ever decided to drive. So last year another friend of mine drove and said I could drive Powder Puff in his car, but then the afternoon of the derby, his mom had to go out of town and he had no one to watch the baby. Well, he really had worked hard on his car and I hated for all that work to go to waste, so I offered to babysit. Dreams...dashed...*sigh*. Well, it just so happens that the guy my husband does construction with now is really good friends with one of the cops in town who drives in every demo derby and tough truck competition around here. (Didja follow that?) SO I just nonchalantly asked if he thought Hightower would let me drive his car in Powder Puff. What a generous man Hightower is - when asked he said, "Heck, we'll just get her a car of her own!" If I weren't married I think I'd have a crush on that man. I might anyway. *wink* He donated the car and Richie and Paul have done the work on it, with Hightower's help, of course. They put a $30 oil filter on it and a $9 fuel injector and it'll cost me $12 for the gallon of paint and another $10 or so for the paint to purty it up. So for roughly $60 I am going to forever go down in at least the family's history books!

I actually got to see the car for the first time yesterday. I took Paul and Richie out to lunch because they have worked so hard on that car this last week. So after lunch they had me drive out to the shop to check her out. Now, they had told me it was purple, but my gosh I think I have corneal burns now from looking at 'er. Lord have mercy, that is one OBNOXIOUS color of purple! I'm going to repaint it a milder color of lavender, hoping that if we get bleed-through the two purples meld harmoniously. Friday Sis and I are going over to put a few feminine touches on it. For one, she's painting a garden gnome on the hood for me. I love gnomes and she thought that my car should sport one. I love that girl. Of course, REDNECK DIVA will be emblazoned down the sides in hot pink and we're going to paint a border of daisies around the windshield - erm if there was a windshield - around the gaping hole where the windshield once was. The thing has set open for a year now so of course, she's a little rough in the interior. A cat has slept there once or twice seeing as how there's cat hair all over the seat, not to mention pods from the overhanging trees, beer cans and bottles and lots and lots of dust. The air conditioner works great. That's God's air conditioning, I'm tellin' ya. LOL Abby took one look at it and said, "Uhh, Mom? Are you gonna vacuum it out before you drive it?" Sis found a beer bottle in what used to be the dash, set it up and said, "Oh we MUST find you some flowers for that!"

I gotta say that while we were all standing around looking at it I felt mightly manly. I got this strong urge for a chew, then that was quickly replaced with the desire for a cigarette, especially when one of the guys from the shop spit right at my feet. Oh wait, that was my husband. I'm toying with my masculinity, but I don't think I'm ready for a plug of tobaccer.

My mom is pissed off beyond belief. She will not even allow me to talk about it to her. She thinks it's ridiculous and dangerous. Well, duh. Nah, I know she just worries about her little girl. I will worry about my little girl when she wants to drive a demo derby, too. (OH I can SO see Kady doing this! Abby, not so much.) But you know, I am 31 years old and this is something I really want to try. Like I told my Dad the other night: At least now I won't look back one of these days and say "Man, I wish I had." Dad laughed and said, "This is true, but Sunday morning you're liable to say, 'Man, I wish I hadn't!'" Okay, so if I do, I do. I'll have fun in the meantime. And you will not believe the people who actually say to me, "You do realize you're going to be bruised, right?" *gasps* Really? Oh, well that changes everything! Bullcrap. Yes, folks, I know I will be bruised. I will be sore. I will hurt. I am not that dumb. Dumb enough to drive the derby, but not so dumb I don't realize the repercussions. Geez.

Okay, I'll step off the soapbox now and go take a shower. I'm taking the kids shoe-shopping today!! I'd rather have a root canal...


The Diva has spoken at 8:06 AM CDT
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
My spidey-senses are tingling...
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Hey Ya - Outkast
MY GOSH but I'm tired. And all I do is stay home every single day. *she says sarcastically*

Just like Jenn did last week I'm going to relate the goings-on of my day. This is just today, but rest assured that every day is pretty much like this. Unless it's a day that we actually LEAVE the house - then it's 4 billion times worse.

10:30pm last night - Finally bedtime. I fall into the bed after a nice long hot shower. But alas, the husband starts breathing on me and well, you know what this means. Yep, I realize that's goin' right into the ol' TMI file, but oh well, it's MY blog and I can write it if I want.
11:30pm - SLEEP (yeah, we were really on an ol' roll last night, hubba hubba y'all!)
3:30am - Sam come in and does the "stare at Mom until she wakes up all kinds of freaked out". He'd had a bad dream, then decided to relate the entire thing to me. Now, normally I'm pretty sympathetic, but at 3:30am, sympathy does not come easily. Neither does sharing a bed with two males, both of which snore.
4:00am - I give up and move to the couch.
5:30am - Blasted alarm goes off. I reset the sumbitch to 6, this means I don't get a shower before the kids leave for school, but then, does one really have to look their best before the bus runs?
6:00 - Alarm again and I bounce off the couch. I read awhile back that if you actually bounce out of or off of whatever you are sleeping, you meet the day with more enthusiasm. Whatever. Bullshit. I still bounce, though, thinking that one of these days it'll work.
6:05 - Making the day's gallon of sweet tea. Gosh, I love living in the South. Okay, so we're not really the South, but we still like sweet tea.
6:10 - Tea brewing in the microwave, I go pee. (hehe, Jenn, I just had to put it in mine too!)
6:11 - I am visited in the bathroom by my son. Someday I am relatively sure I will pee in solitude once again.
6:15 - Kady joins Sam and I in the bathroom where he's peeing now and telling me about his nightmare again.
6:30 - Time to wake up Princess Abby.
6:35 - Fix Kady a cup of milk and hand her a Nutri-grain bar. This will be the extent of my breakfast making abilities this morning.
6:45 - Sam asks me to check the menu and when I announce "Meatball subs" he groans, grabs his belly and falls to the floor. "Iiiiii haaaaaate meeeeeeatballlll suuuuuuuubs!" Gosh, ya big baby, so do I, but you don't see me rolling around on the linoleum.
6:50 - I am slapping PB&J on a hamburger bun, throwing Cheetos in a ziplock and trying my best to stuff a huge banana in his itty bitty novelty Spiderman lunchbox. It's one of those that is supposed to sit on a shelf, but he insists on carrying it. Glad he's a little guy and doesn't eat much.
7:00 - Fortunately Ab wants dog-ears today and I am relieved that I don't have to curl her hair. While I'm playing early-morning beauty shop, I'm yelling at Sam to get his shoes on, yelling at Kady to eat her Nutri-grain bar and trying to wake up Husband through the baby monitor in Kady's room. (Which he hates. Which is why I do it.)
7:05 - Sis pulls up with Gentry and Addison. I step out on the porch with 3 kids and some still wild-ass hair, no bra and morning breath, still cranky because I have yet to drink any of that tea that I made what seemed like eons ago. Sis and I chat awhile then she decides she really need to go to work. Fine, be that way. Don't stay and play with us, go and be successful and wear your makeup...where was I? Anyway...
7:15 - The bus picks up the 3 bus kids and I can discontinue the vigil out the front window and finally get a shower.
7:20 - Ahhh...shower. But of course, I'm interrupted multiple times by Husband, Kady and at one point I think Gentry. Some days the shower is a haven - others, not so much.
7:45 - Drying the hair, having a conversation with myself as to whether makeup is going to be a part of this day. I decide that it is definitely not going to be a part and neither is fixing my hair. Ponytail time.
8:00 - Computer time and FINALLY a glass of sweet tea. The kids are watching Nick Jr and all is well with the world.
9:30 - First daycare kid arrives.
10:00 - Last two daycare kids arrive. The circus has begun. The morning is punctuated by countless "no no's" and "Andrew, STOP that, we don't DO that, sweetie!" and several declarations that no, we do not jump on the couch no matter how fun it is and no, jumping from the couch to the ottoman isn't an alternative.
10:45 - My kitchen counter looks like an assembly line in a PB&J factory. Finally 5 sandwiches are complete and adorn plates along with colored Goldfish cracker and grapes.
11:00 - I call the heathens, I mean little darlings, to the table and lunchtime is punctuated with more declarations, such as "Gentry, do not hang Goldfish out of your mouth like rotten teeth. Would you like it if I did that?" (Silly question, the little bugger said yes.) "Drew, no grapes do not go up your nose. Chandler, no more than one grape in your mouth at one time, dear. Kady if you 'write' on the table one more timewith that grape I am going to spank you butt and take away your birthday!"
12:00 - The children have been banished from the living room because it is now time for Kiki to watch All My Children. I do not miss All My Children and do not like to be interrupted whilst watching All My Children. The children know this. They comply.
12:30 - Commercial break, the children are put down for a nap in the 2 minute break from my show. Damn, I'm good.
1:00 - AMC is over and now it's computer time for me once more.
3:00 - Munchkins awake.
3:30 - We walk to the end of the driveway to get the bus kids. Normally they walk up by themselves, but today I had to get the neighbor girls.
3:45 - Myself and 10 children walk back up the driveway.
4:10 - Bub picks up Addison and Gentry. There are now 8...*sigh*
4:15 - Snacks. Grapes are awesome snacks. Throw in some Ritz crackers and apple juice and kids have a smorgasbord.
4:30 - I check out folders, set Abby down to do homework, decide on a time to attempt to fit in Parent Teacher Conferences for 2 kids, while juggling daycare kids' schedules.
5:00 - Two parents arrive and take away 4 children. And then there were 4...

It's now 6pm and these kids are griping for dinner. What do they think I am - their mother or something? Gosh, you'd think I was supposed to FEED them or something!

I just read over the events of my day and realized that no where in there does it mention dishes or laundry - then it hits me I DIDN'T DO DISHES OR LAUNDRY TODAY. Agh, guess I'll do that tonight...husband better keep his breath to himself tonight. I just don't think I'm up for anymore of that business... Last night oughta hold him over for 3, maybe 4 weeks...right? RIGHT????

The Diva has spoken at 6:03 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 6:04 PM CDT
Monday, September 13, 2004
Finally! The weekend in review...
Mood:  special
Kind of like Derek over at Son of Cheese I have a ton of stuff to relate about my weekend. Wow...it was a veritable whirlwind of excitement and activity, mixed in with 14 hours of fun with my octogenarian Papa and great-Uncle Homer. A good time was had by all and my ribs never got such a workout. If laughter is the universal cure they talk about, I oughta be good and healthy from all the laughing we did.

Friday night was my high school's homecoming, which we had planned all week on attending. But mysteriously around 1 in the afternoon on Friday I broke out from my hips to my scalp in hives. Why? Wish I knew. Holy crap I'd rather hurt than itch! So I popped two Benadryl and hurried off to pick up the munchkins at school to rush them to the optometrist (or "the guy who looks at Sissy's eyeballs" according to Sam. Her visit with the eye doctor was just as I had suspected it would be: her eyes had gotten considerably worse in a mere 6 months time. He said both eyes were a full 3 clicks worse and that he wanted to see her in 6 months because more than likely they would change that much again. She got my eyes, dammit. So then we met up with Sis at McD's for an early dinner, all the while I'm still itching and scratching like a dadgum mangy dog and about to lose my mind. After a tasty McMeal we went to karate and the boys both tested up another level. They're now both sporting new red stripes on their belts and miraculously, Sensei didn't have to give anyone pushups for once. By this time I decided there was no freakin' way I was going to sit through a football game digging at my skin like a crank addict. Which was probably good because we ran over to Papa's after karate to find out the itinerary for Saturday. Well, when you drive 45 everywhere you go, you tend to over-estimate travel times and bless his 86 year old heart, he wanted to leave Fairland at 5 am. Good heavens! So it was a good thing I didn't go to the game because I had to go to bed at 9 in order to get some decent sleep, then get up at 3:30.

Well, Papa picked up Sis and I at her house, then we drove around the corner and picked up Uncle Homer. Papa drives a big ol' Lincoln and I don't think that thing had ever been driven above 55 mph before Saturday, lol. Well, here we go, in the dark, heading onto the turnpike at 5:15am and the windows are fogging up.
Papa: Homer, I think the windows are fogging up. See if you can fix that.
Homer: Leo, I can't see what that thing says...is this the button I'm supposed to push?
Papa: Girls, roll your windows down back there for a minute.
*At this point Heather and I are holding back hysterical giggles at the conversation between them, plus the fact we are driving roughly 25 mph on the interstate*
Homer: Hey! (more button pushing) I feel warm air! And the windows are de-fogging!
Papa: Yeah, but don't leave that air on too long. Pulls on the motor.

It took us an hour and a half to get to Tulsa - a drive that takes me not even an hour normally. Fortunately he let Sis drive before we got into freeway traffic and lemme tell ya, she flat put that ol' Lincoln to the test! We made it on into Edmond around 8:30. And that was after stopping for breakfast! Go Sis!

Fortunately I brought along a notebook to write down the more memorable moments of the day. Heather asked me what in the world I was doing with my infamous Patrick Starr from SpongeBob notebook (as all world-famous bloggers carry, I hear) and I told her that I was pretty durn sure there would plenty of blog-worthy moments throughout the course of the day. She rolled her eyes, but as the day wore on she was going, "Did you get that one for the blog?"

Here are just a few of the keynote topics we discussed during the day:
*Hybrid cars fascinate Papa. "They're the car of the future, you know" according to him. This concept absolutely amazes him, which struck me as funny at first, but then I realized that he used to ride in a wagon to town, was the first farmer in Ottawa County to own a round hay baler and they used to load up calves in the Model T and drive them to the Capitol for a stock sale, so yeah, I guess a hybrid car would seem pretty far out to him.
*Semi trucks worry him. Oh my goodness if we heard him emphatically say the statement "Look! Look at all those trucks on the road! Agh, but there are too many of them!" once during the day we heard it a hundred times. It got to the point where we could just about tell you when one was coming, then Sis and I would bite our lips to keep from laughing.

Keep in mind I'm not making fun of Papa, I'm just humorously journaling my take on it all. I admire and respect that man more than just about any other person in my family, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the things that amuse someone his age! They've seen so much, been through so much...

*Heather was trying to evoke conversation from the backseat riders at one point so she asked Papa how he and Memaw met. He said she was a nurse's aid in the hospital in Stella, MO, and he was in there as a patient with typhoid "or something". LOL Or something? I'd think if I had had typhoid I'd sure as heck remember it.
*My sister is fascinated with all things "farm" right now. She has visions of being this farm girl or something. (Me, I'm content with country living, but I'll leave the farming to someone else. My ducks are the extent of my livestock.) So Sis strikes up a conversation with Papa about artificial insemination. Well, call me immature, but this embarrassed the heck out of me! Talking about bull sperm with my grandfather?!! It was way more than I was really comfortable with. I took advantage of that time to call home.
*Sis almost walked into the men's restroom at the McDonald's on the interstate. A very kind, if not a little crass, trucker kept her from actually entering the wrong one. Well, I missed this unfortunate event, so later when some trucker starts telling us about using the restroom in a bar I was a little taken aback. He actually used the words "urinal" and "piss" and I made a split-second decision that if he used ANY form, slang or otherwise, of the word penis I was SO outta there. Fortunately, he didn't and when we finally got free of him I said, "What prompted THAT?" Heather was about 12 shades of red as she spoke out the side of her mouth, "I-will-tell-you-about-it-in-the-car."
*We had to stop at a KFC to pick up some chicken for the reunion, since it's potluck and all. We pull up to KFC at 9:50, thinking the sign says it opens at 10. We sat till 10:10 and I finally said, "Do you think someone needs to go up and find out when they open?" Poor Uncle Homer, the most crippled-up of all of us, gets out of the car and goes to the door where the guy tells us they don't open till 10:30. Uncle Homer says, "Oh okay, well that's no problem, son. But in the meantime, could I just get a barrel of chicken?" I wasn't sure, but I figured there probably wouldn't be enough at this reunion to merit a whole entire barrel of chicken. Fortunately he just came out to the car with a bucket instead.

The reunion was really interesting. It's a reunion of what's left of those who attended 4 one-room schoolhouses in Edmond back in the 20's, 30's and 40's. There were about 40 there this year, which they said was the biggest crowd they'd had in awhile. Every year they start out remembering those who've passed on in the past year. I can't imagine being at that point in my life...counting off on my fingers those of my friends who've passed since the last time we got together. Two precious little ol' guys played the mandolin and guitar and we sang You Are My Sunshine and The Red River Valley. One even broke out the harmonica for one verse. During dinner, the oldest fella there (93) treated us to stories, all of which started out with "You remember the time...?" He told us he bought his first car for $16. That amazed me. $16 won't even buy a pair of jeans for my kids now, but back then it bought him a whole entire car. Wow. Sis and I sat across the table from Foo and Hinky, who are actual relatives of ours. We found out later that Foo's real name is Cecil, but couldn't help but wonder how he got dubbed something like Foo. I think Hinky's name actually is Hinky. Bless her heart.

We saw where they were born, the old place Grandpa Glenn farmed, where their schoolhouse was and then we were done in Edmond. We drove on into OK City to the memorial. That was a solemn event. I will try to get some pictures posted tomorrow (it's getting late now and I don't have the patience to fight with uploading tonight). We spent quite awhile there, reflecting, remembering and I shed a few tears. We didn't go through the museum because, well, Papa and Uncle Homer felt that $7 was highway robbery or something and refused to pay it. I would like to go back through it sometime, but it's probably best we didn't that day. I hear it's pretty emotional. We drove to the Capitol building after that. I had assumed we would actually go inside the building, but nope, we just pulled into the parking lot, Uncle Homer and I took pictures of the new Indian statue on top of the rotunda and off we drove again. Papa was obsessed with that Indian for some reason. I will make sure he gets a copy of the picture. We drove home about halfway on old Route 66, stopping at the "round barn" in Arcadia. It's actually round! Not multi-sided, but really round. Pretty cool.

Of course, Papa and Uncle Homer nodded off in the backseat on the way home. Heather and I chit-chatted and enjoyed some grownup conversation. After their naps, we were on the interstate again and about 30 miles from home when Heather passed a semi. When she got almost around him he honked. She jumped and said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong!" From the backseat we hear a snicker, bordering on a giggle, and Papa is doing the trucker honk pull thing! That totally cracked him up - the fact that the guy actually honked at him! It was the most hilarious thing I've experienced in a long time. A perfect way to end the day.

The Diva has spoken at 11:06 PM CDT

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