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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Kerfuffle
Mood:  a-ok
Well, poo I just lost a whole entire page of rambling. Hate it when Tripod hiccups like that.

Okay, first of all take a look at what I found in my bedroom floor this morning:


Now I'm not sure yet as to whether one of the kids was playing with it last night and it just got left there or whether a certain husband that I live with planted the reptilian decoy to scare his charming, albeit a little edgy, wife. I will find out, though. Trust me on this one. For those of you who are just joining in on my adventures, there is a lizard living in my bedroom somewhere. No, he's not a pet, he just decided to take up residence here. I do not like the lizard. I actually can say I loathe the lizard. He's harmless, but still...it's a freaking LIZARD people! I have set out numerous sticky traps, but he's obviously a smart lizard and won't go near 'em. So anyway, I discovered the fake lizard belly-up this morning when I....btw, have I mentioned before that I am a clutz? Keep this fact in mind while you read... Okay, so I'm walking from my bedroom to the utility room and on the way I had to walk by a box that was covered in wire hangers (I've been cleaning out closets). As I walked by, the hem of my nightshirt caught on one of these hangers, thereby causing the kerfuffle. Imagine, if you will, me walking along, dragging a growing chain of wire hangers with my nightshirt. Have you ever put scotch tape on a cat's paws and watched them have a seizure as they try to flick it off? Well, that's kind of what I'm sure I looked like this morning, shaking my leg and trying to release the offending damn hangers. FInally I got it to let go and as I bent down to gather up the mess my eyes locked on the stupid plastic lizard. Oh the screaming. Almost as loud as when I first discovered the real lizard - you know, the time he actually ended up under one of my bare feet and we were formally introduced. Yeah, that time. Of course, upon further investigation I realized he wasn't real, but still...agh, I hate lizards.

And you know when I grabbed the camera to take a picture I thought, "Ya know...what if he really is real and only sleeping or possibly playing lizard-possum and the flash of the camera wakes him up?" Well, I'll just answer my own question...

You would have ended up reading a story about a lizard that drowned in pee.

That, friends and neighbors, is the truth.

The Diva has spoken at 9:23 AM CDT
I have a theory...
Mood:  quizzical
Okay, on Dora the Explorer...I've decided that that silly Swiper the Sneaky Fox is just craving some positive attention. That pesky kid and her hyperactive monkey are always yelling at him, telling him no and giving him nothing but negative reinforcement for his actions. If you'll think back to an episode where they made "cowboy cookies" and at the end actually gave Swiper a cookie - well, friends and neighbors...it made that poor fox's day! See, if they'd show him a little love he'd quit with the swiping. I'm sure of it.

The Diva has spoken at 8:09 AM CDT
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Some pictures for y'all
Mood:  silly
Okay, this first picture is the view out my front door, right on the front porch. I consider this, David, a place of beauty around here. We have 40 acres out here, some of it pasture, but some of it wooded. Out front, right before the woods is a pond and the view that direction, no matter what season, is always spectacular. In the Summer you can see the heat shimmering, the ducks swimming and even though I'm not a fan of summer I still like the view. Spring of course, is green and the trees are full of green leaves. Fall is amazing with the trees turned all kinds of colors -it's my favorite. Although, in this picture the colors aren't that fantastic - too dry of a summer, I'm afraid. But Winter out my front window...Winter is the best. When I saw the house for the first time with the realtor, she said she had shown in during the winter once as it was starting to snow and she said it was so pretty it nearly made her cry. Now, whether it really affected her that way, I dunno. Maybe she was really just trying to sell the house, but man...that view really is something else.


The next picture is of my very favorite slippers. I am going to have an actual memorial service when they finally wear out. I'm not kidding.



And finally...a gnome.

The Diva has spoken at 9:39 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, October 13, 2004 9:49 PM CDT
BAH!
Mood:  loud
Today over lunch I told my mom about the WalMart fantasy/Enchantment perfume commercial. She nearly spit McGrilled McChicken McSandwich all over me.

Now THAT was funny.

The Diva has spoken at 9:26 PM CDT
Monday, October 11, 2004
HUH?
Mood:  incredulous
Okay, for those of you who know me fairly well you know that All My Children is my favorite soap opera. Actually it's the only soap I watch. The other ones suck. I've watched AMC since I was a grade schooler - yes we start 'em early 'round here - and remember when Tad Martin was a child. I am so damn old. ANyway, I was watching it one day last week and for the first time shook my head in redneck shame at my fine soap opera.

Commercial voice-over guy says "They're living the fantasy. Now you can, too." This line is said as shots of the glamorous women of Pine Valley are being shown in their sexiest, most glamorous outfits and giving us all the best "Come get me, baby" looks they can muster. Voice-over guys continues, "All My Children's Enchantment Perfume." Now here comes the most outrageous line I've ever heard:
"Live the fantasy at WalMart." HUH? What the-???? I love WM and all, but never once in my entire life have I ever had a fantasy of any kind involving WalMart, much less the perfume they sell there. I'm sorry, but do they really think that we're all going to run out to our local WalMart SuperCenter and grab every bottle off the shelf in some paltry attempt at making our trailer-park lives better? More glamorous? Full of adultery, murder, lots of liquor, sex sex and more sex...

Umm...sorry guys, gotta run. I just remembered a few things I needed to pick up at WalMart...

The Diva has spoken at 10:25 PM CDT
It's fall, y'all!
Mood:  chillin'
I put "chillin'" on my mood because it's freakin' COLD here! Okay, not cold, but definitely brisk. I LOVE this weather! Even though it's rained the last 4 days I still love the cool in the air and seeing new colors in the trees from day to day.

David asked me a few questions that I feel compelled to answer now that I have the time to sit here and think about 'em.

"OK, R-D, how's this:

1. Your favorite food -- the one you could every day, non-stop?
2. Favorite TV show -- ever -- and why?
3. Picture of your local area that you think captures the beauty of it.

Go!
"

Alrighty, David...
1. First of all, what a hard question!! I have actually pondered this one all weekend, trying to think of a particular food that I would want to eat every day and really couldn't pinpoint a particular dish, per se. I guess I'm going to have to be incredibly vague when I say "chocolate". Because I actually do eat chocolate all day every day! LOL
2. Thinking back about all the TV shows I've ever watched, I'm going to answer this one with "Little House on the Prairie." I grew up on that show, followed it to the very end and cried many a tear with my mom, both of us sitting on the couch, bawling and sniffling, sharing a box of kleenex. After I read the books, I got a little frustrated for awhile at the fact that it really didn't follow the true stories she wrote, but Mom told me that just because they were named the same they didn't have to be the same all the time. After that I was able to enjoy it again. ER and Alias are going to tie for second, just in case you wanna know.
3. I will take this particular picture tomorrow! I was going to today, but it was just so soggy and rainy and even though it was still beautiful, I decided to wait for some sunshine to go along with.

Thanks for asking, David!

Any more takers?

The Diva has spoken at 9:46 PM CDT
What kind of lottery did my nose just win?
Mood:  silly
The title is from the new Old Navy commercial where the chick jumps from her cubicle shouting of the stupendous qualities of the air she breathes....OH MY GOSH, that commercial has me rolling in the floor. Yes, I'm easily amused, I think we've discussed this before.

Well, first off I need to thank those of you who sent me well-wishes over the weekend. Thanks to Jessica, David the Better Living Guy (David just asked my questions from a few posts back, but anyway it made me feel better), Sychotic, Angela,and my new friend Sean, who googled "demolition derby" and found ME! Just seeing all the comments in my inbox this weekend made me feel so special and glad that I'm a blogger!

Okay, so Friday you know we cancelled the slumber party, but Mom, Sis and Bub and their kids all got to our house right about the time Paul got off work. But 6:30 the kids and I had already played with the karaoke machine long enough to cause a few fights and make a few kids pout, but ya know, I'm older and bigger and those kids are just going to have to learn patience when I'm singing, lol. *grin* Actually, I didn't sing much till Sis got there. The demo CD that came with the player had the song that Paul and I had had sung at our wedding and Abby thought that was ultra cool and she and I sang it as a duet many, many times before the family got there. Addison, Gentry and Sam were partial to "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", but Ab was mesmerized by The Wedding Song. Old soul, I'm tellin' ya.

The evening was filled with pizza, red velvet cake (minus an entire layer of cream cheese icing), presents, two hyper boys (I served kool-ade with dinner. Kool-ade is hereby abolished from Diva's house forevermore. Evil stuff, that kool-ade), lots and lots of karaoke and we capped off the evening with "Annie". It was a good birthday party, even if it wasn't filled with screaming little girls.

Listening to the kids singing made me wonder at their hearing because you oughta hear the words they sang!! LMAO Of course, we always sing the beginning of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" from Lion King with "Pennnnnsylvania! Come-a here-a big boy." Then "Pink pajamas penguins on the bottom...pink pajamas penguins on the bottom..." Yeah, we're a happy bunch. Makes no sense, but it's fun. Addison was singing "You ain't nothin' but a houn'dog, crackin' all the time. You anna nonna gonna robba and you ainna gone on time." There were plenty more, but I didn't write them down. I SO had to write down Hound Dog, though. Sis sang a rousing rendition of "The Bare Necessities". I sang "I Will Survive", which is a classic karaoke favorite. Sam, Abby and I sang "That's the Way I Like It" realizing we only know the "Uh huh" part - who knew there was more? Kady sang "Jesus Loves Me" a lot, completely a capela, since we didn't have a CD for that one. The pinnacle of the night was when Sis said, "Put this CD in, don't look at the title, but you're singin' it with me." Yiii...I was curious. Well, folks...say hello to "Diva Travolta" because I sang Danny's part in "Summer Nights" from the Grease soundtrack. My sister is forever known as "Heather Newton-John". And it was also ol' Sandy there who broke the karaoke machine with a high note. No kidding. It died and ate the CD. We're going to have to take it back to the store with the CD still inside because it's stuck for good. If you don't think I've had a ball teasing her for that one!

The next day was Homecoming and Sam and Addison did SUCH a good job! Mom's friends, Garry and Bev, have a yellow '52 Ford pickup the kids rode in in the parade and they had a ball with that. They did their part at the game like pros and looked so grown up! I teared up a little as I helped him with his tie before the game. I thought,"Ohh my goodness, there are going to be days when I won't have to squat down to help you fix your tie, Son. You'll probably have to stoop down for your momma..." and then came the tears. He just rubbed my arm and laid his head on my shoulder. Just gets ya right here...*sob*

It was so sunny and Addison's glasses are so magnifying that the poor child is rendered blind in the sunlight. We got a few pictures of her by herself with eyes open after the sun started going down a bit, but when this one was taken it was so sunny she couldn't do anything but squint.

Saturday night we went out to the only country club in town. Not country club as in golf, rich people and expensive drinks, but country club as in smoky bar that plays country music. Our neighbor is friends with the guy who was playing and we decided to go see him in person. He's a "Nashville recording artist" and actually had a video on CMT a few years back. He has a voice like an angel and I enjoyed listening to him. Paul doesn't like the bar scene much anymore so after an hour and a half he was yawning and fidgeting, subtly trying to get me to offer to leave. Party pooper.

UPDATE
When I posted this earlier I meant to save it as a draft but hit post instead. I didn't have anything earth shattering to finish with but am going to finish it anyway.

Yesterday was Sunday and two nights in a row I had stayed up past 2am and frankly I was tired. Bone tired. Christmas tired. I made a big breakfast for Paul and I around 11am then started a big pot of soup. I figured I could let it simmer all day long and voila dinner is served. I made homemade beef and vegetable soup. Paul doesn't like soup very much, so I have to be careful to pick and choose when I make it. I have to make sure the weather is just right for it or he won't eat it. He's insane. I could eat soup every day. Hey...I think I found the answer to one of the questions David asked above, lol. Anyway, I made an enormous pot of soup because we invited two other couples out for dinner. They never showed. I also made a big pan of cornbread, my Memaw's recipe. YUM I ended up freezing a quart of the soup, took another quart to my mom and fixed up probably another quart or so for Tiffany and Jill to eat at work today. Plus kept out a bowl for myself. Paul refuses to eat leftover soup - getting him to eat it once is task enough. So tonight the big butthead had a cold ham and cheese sandwich while I feasted on steaming leftover soup and cornbread. I think my stomach was happier.

The Diva has spoken at 9:58 AM CDT
Updated: Monday, October 11, 2004 10:02 PM CDT
Friday, October 8, 2004
This is what I get for not planning ahead
Mood:  rushed
Well, my "fan", Jessica told me she was having some problems viewing the blog, so I'm hoping this posts and I really haven't lost the entire thing, which I've heard happens occasionally. How many unfortunate blogs are out there floating aimlessly in cyberspace...?

Well, remember all the frenzy about Ab's upcoming birthday and ensuing party? Well, there's still frenzy, but scratch the party. Grab a glass of tea, settle in, because I'm about to unload a veritable fountain of words, folks.

I got up at the unGodly hour of 5am this morning. That's just 30 minutes earlier than usual, but for some reason it felt like 4 hours earlier. I showered, praying for some mystic awakening potion to come through the shower head, but alas, it didn't happen. Just water, as usual. Plus I got a bathroom full of steam which only made me sleepier. Of course, Ab woke up way early because she was pumped because IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!! (Happy birthday, Abby-girl - Momma loves you!) The other two followed shortly thereafter, Sam coming directly to the bathroom, just like every morning, throwing his arms around my waist and hugging. Man, that right there is worth getting up early for. Then here comes Kady Princess, stumbling from her room, curly hair wild and looking like she'd been through a tornado. She stumbled past me straight to Sissy's room to tell her "It's you birfday, Sissy," then turned around and walked out. She's so funny.

Well, the best thing about the day for Ab, as it turns out, is that she had an awesome hair day. Even she commented, "Man, I don't know what the deal is, but I've had good hair two days in a row!" Good gosh, but she's my child. Kady has really gotten the temper tantrums under control the older she's gotten, but the last two days she's been a little witch. She threw a humdinger yesterday that got her butt busted and threw another one this morning that almost got her spanked again. I was really peeved that the tantrums had reared their ugly head again, but figured it was the weather or some bubble in the barometric pressure or even perhaps that Mercury was in retrograde or something. Well, I figured out the reason...trust me I'm going to tell you, read further.

So anyway we get to the Dr's office and got in fairly quick. This was our first visit to this particular PA. Our old one switched clinics and I don't care for the Dr she's in with so I switched PA's. He is wonderful! Very kind, softspoken, interacted well with Abby and talked to me like I was a normal, middle-class mom. We're on SoonerCare, Oklahoma's fancy schmancy name for Medicaid, and when you flash that medical card sometimes you get a less than friendly greeting and sadly, sometimes care. But this guy obviously saw that I was normal and clean and a good mom, if I do say so myself. He checked her out and even let me see the tubes in her ears. I thought that was way cool. I've always wanted to see them, but never had the courage to ask the ENT. Talk about neat. They're blue! Why this impresses me, I'm not sure, but it did. I'm easy, what can I say. She right on as far as weight for her age and tall for her age, which I knew. She reminds me of a colt - all leggy and clumsy. Mom calls her Olive Oyl, lol. We discussed flu shots, which he said Ab and Sam don't need this year. Kady, however, does. She's got asthma and they recommend the flu shot for asthmatics. BUT they're not sure they're going to get them because they ordered from the company that got shut down and their license pulled. I'm keeping my fingers crossed we find a way to get her one, even if I have to bite the bullet and pay for it myself. I may hit y'all up for donations end of this month, LOL.

So Dr's visit done, we go to WalMart, pick out cupcakes (Butterflies and flowers for the girls and Shrek for the boys. God forbid boys eat butterfly cupcakes, geez.) Then head back to the school, which is about a 25 minute drive from WalMart. Kady fell asleep. Odd seeing as how it was only 8:30am. I got Abby settled in class and Kady and I headed back home so I could bake a birthday cake. It's about a 10 minute drive from the school to our house and Kady fell asleep again! Odd... When I opened the back door to the van to get her out I was met by a pale, shaky little girl with black smudges under her little eyes. She said, "Momma, me so tired," in such a pitiful little voice I could've cried. I told her she could lie on the couch and watch TV. And she did just that. She never just lies down and watches TV - she's the kind of kid who has to dance to every song, scream "SWIPER NO SWIPING" at the top of her lungs and shouts Spanish words better than I ever dreamed of. But no, today Dora, our faithful hispanic explorer, was on her own fending off attacks of that vicious Swiper, because Kady Princess was down for the count. I walked in to check on her, kissed her forehead and she was burning up. Her temp was 102.7. Guess who felt like a bad momma for spanking her over a tantrum yesterday and yelling at her this morning for one, when all this time she was getting sick! Man...I hate that ol' mommy-guilt that washes over from time to time...

Bless my mom's precious, angel soul. I called her (she took the day off work) and she immediately said she would take Kady, no she wasn't going to listen to me argue about it, and keep her overnight so the slumber party could go on. The only thing was her car wasn't starting so could I bring her in to her. Not a problem, I could definitely handle that. About 30 minutes after I had given Kady a dose of Motrin she perked right up, her fever dropped and she was almost herself again. So we met Sis and Mom at Arby's for a quick lunch and while we're eating Mom's cell phone rings. She says, "Yes, she's actually sitting right here, would you like to talk to her?" With a strange look on my face I took the phone to hear Sam's teacher on the other end. "Kristin, I know you don't want to hear this the day before Homecoming, but Sam's sick." I swear my heart stopped it's downhill plummet somewhere around my toes and the oh so tasty turkey ranch and bacon wrap I'd been eating suddenly turned to cement in my stomach.

So Mom, Sis, and I huddled to figure out Plan B. Mom took Gentry and Kady (because I was supposed to have Gent this afternoon) to her house, Sis was going to WalMart to get poster board for the Homecoming car signs and to get Ab's birthday presents for me, seeing as how I was going to pick them up after lunch, Mom had a secret stash of juice boxes at her house that I could take to Abby's class to go with the cupcakes, Sis also offered to pick up pizza for me, we called the parents of the girls who were supposed to spend the night, I allowed myself to cry a few desperate tears,the we broke huddle and play resumed once more. God bless my mom and sister. They are amazing.

I picked Sam up at school and was intrigued by the fact he didn't look too awful durn sick. Then he coughed. Oh holy night, that cough! Barking is more what it was. Perfect. I checked him out at the office, dropped by Ab's classroom to break the news to her. Bless her grown-up baby heart, she was so understanding. Yes, visibly disappointed, but very understanding. I tried to be as upbeat as I could, promising to reschedule the slumber party as soon as possible and her teacher was great, chiming in with "Ooh Abby it's Double Birthday Month! You get to celebrate twice!" Man, I love that woman. Abby nodded her head, took a deep breath, I saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes and upon exhaling she said, "Man, this sucks." Yes, Sis, I agree - this indeed sucks.

Her cake was supposed to be a shining moment in Chef Momma's day, but the humidity is about 9000% today and do you know what that much humidity does to cream cheese icing? It's not pretty, folks, not pretty at all. I've got it in the fridge right now, trying to firm it up a bit. Plus, when I got done frosting the cake I thought there was an awful lot of icing left in the bowl. It hit me - I had forgotten to ice between the layers.

I must've killed some cute kittens or been a bank-robber in a previous life to deserve all this today.

The Diva has spoken at 3:22 PM CDT
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
8 year olds and birthdays
Agh, what to get an 8 year old girl for her birthday??? She's my own kid and I'm still clueless. Ab's birthday is Friday and I literally have no clue what to get her. I've thought of several things momentarily, but nothing is just standing out as perfect.

We went to the big WM tonight to buy a karaoke machine, but they don't carry them? HUH? How can WalMart, the beholder of all things good, cheap and redneck NOT carry karaoke machines??? My mother in law gave her a brand new $100 bill for her birthday and rather than allowing her to spend it on crap (Which she would do in a heartbeat. God forbid she SAVE it or anything)I suggested karaoke. I know I'm her mom and all, but I will have to say the kid's got a voice and if nothing else, being able to sing and record herself is only going to foster that talent and hopefully develop some confidence in her. BUT no one in our blessed little town carries them.

I am swiftly running out of time to do everything that HAS to be done by week's end. Tomorrow night is Sam and Addison's homecoming practice (They are the honor attendants, aka crown bearer and flower girl, for the queen coronation) BUT I can't go because I will have a house full of kids and not enough seats in my van. So once again, Grammy to the rescue. Mom's picking them up when they get off the bus to take them. Something's gotta give here...the whole stay at home thing is supposed to be so I can do things with my kids, but it seems that I spend so much time taking care of everyone else's kids that I'm neglecting my own. Yeah, something's gotta give. ANyway, boy did I digress... Okay so now that I'm obviously going to have to drive to Joplin to look for the ever-elusive karaoke machine, now I guess I'm going to bake her birthday cake tomorrow night and freeze it. Then Thursday when I only have 3 daycare kids, I'll run to Joplin. THEN Ab has a dr appt at 7:40 Friday morning (her birthday, bless her heart) for her checkup, we will then pick up cupcakes for her class, I'll drive her back to school, decorate her cake, gather my sanity somewhere, be back at the school by 2:30 for her party, pick up the school kids (adding an extra for the slumber party), head home to await the arrival of the remaining 4 giggly little girls anticipating a night full of sugar, squealing and screaming and my bestest friend and anchor, Tiff, who has agreed to endure the slumberless frenzy with me. Then Saturday morning I will get 7 little girls (Oh yeah, and myself) and my son ready for the homecoming parade, get him settled in the parade vehicle, herd remaining 7 still squealy, screamy little girls to a safe spot on Main Street to watch the parade, THEN round everyone up, drive everyone home and be back to the football field by 3 when the game starts. Didn't I start this post out by wondering what to get the 8 year old for her birthday? WHEN am I supposed to find time for THAT now????????????????

WHERE'S THE FREAKIN'CALGON?! And not the ancient Chinese secret Calgon...the Calgon that whisks away harried moms and housewives to a bathtub full of bubbles and peace. Do you think I can get that in a 55 gallon drum?

The Diva has spoken at 10:57 PM CDT
Who'da thunk?
Mood:  incredulous
I have another fan! She called herself a "self-proclaimed Redneck Diva fan". She proclaimed it herself, folks. You can't beat adoration like that.

Her question was:
Other than driving in a demolition derby, what do you want to accomplish before you leave this earth? I have a list of things I want to do before I die. I made this list when I was a teenager and have stuck to it all these years, of course, adding as necessary. Topping the list is:
* Getting married and having kids. Been there, done that, got baby puke all over the t-shirt.
*Driving in a demolition derby was also on the list. Was able to mark that one off a couple of weeks ago.
*I want to ride in a hot-air balloon. I'm terrified of heights, but I still wanna do it. I may puke all over unsuspecting citizens in the town below, but by golly, at least I can say I did it.
*Being present at a real live childbirth was also on the list. Well, besides my own, that is. I was present for 3 of my own, but ya know, I didn't get the whole "spectator" experience out of it. "Active participant" was more my role. But, yeah, I was present at the birth of my niece, Addison. It was one of the most emotional, intense, beautiful experiences I've ever had the blessing of being a part of.
*Give birth at home. I'm not sure this one will come to fruition, but I'd sure like to do it, if I ever get the opportunity. I am quite happy with the 3 kids I have now and feel my family is complete for now, but if we have another one someday I'd like to do it at home with the kids here to share in it. I'm weird like that.
* Own my own business. This one's a big one for me. This is a long-time goal I've had and I'm really serious about it. For a long time I thought I'd like to own a cutesy, artsy-fartsy gift shop/craft shop/foo-foo gallery. Then it was an internet cafe/coffee house. Now it's evolved into a freakin' restaurant. I think I'm stickin' with restaurant.
*Finish college and get my Bachelor's degree. This is also a goal my mother has for me. And my sister. Seems that for a long time it was everyone's goal BUT mine, but now I think I'm getting more and more ready to take the plunge. I've gotta get this last kid in school full-time before I hit the books myself.
*Visit Prince Edward Island, Canada. This one is major, bigtime and of utmost importance. I own every book L.M. Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables ,wrote. I fell in love with her stories and that area of Canada when I was a pre-teen and that desire to visit PEI has never diminished.

There ya go, Jessica! Probably more than you actually wanted to know, but hey, with the Diva you always get more than you bargained for!

The Diva has spoken at 3:43 PM CDT
One
Mood:  incredulous
One. One person asked me a question over the weekend.

No, really it's okay. *sniff* I am alright with being adored by all of 2 people out here in Blogland. (One being Sychotic, my lone inquirer, and the other my dear friend, Christy, who swears she reads my blog every day.) *grabs a tissue and dabs her leaking eyes* I mean, I can't make you love me, right? Y'all go on about your blogalicious (I've got -alicious on the brain today, lol) lives and just ignore the poor redneck chick over in the corner. You know which poor redneck I'm talking about - the one with the ad-supported blog with no cool graphics and blogrolls and twinkly cursor trailers and such...it's okay. Really.

OH MY GOSH! I sound like a...a...MOTHER! LOL

Anyway, enough of that crap. I'm just going to answer Sychotic's questions even if the rest of you don't care. Yeah. I showed you, eh?

She asks:
If you could live in any state of the U.S. besides your own, which one would it be? I'd have to say Maryland or Pennsylvania. In fact, I tried desperately just a few months back to convince my husband that they have WalMarts in Pennsylvania and that I was sure he could get a transfer up there. He didn't bite. I have never lived anywhere but in Oklahoma, have visited only a few midwestern states and the one trip I took to Mississippi was amazing. I'd like to live somewhere besides the midwest someday. I don't necessarily want to live in MS, but somewhere on the east coast would be groovy. My parents lived in MD when they were first married and in the service and my mom still talks about it. I would move up there tomorrow if I could.

If you could live in any country besides the U.S., which one would it be and why? Canada? I honestly haven't given this one much thought, seeing as how I'm damn proud to be an American and have no desire to live elsewhere. But if the US like dropped off into the ocean or something like a modern-day Atlantis and I had to relocate I guess it'd be Canada.

There, I answered my fan. Notice I said FAN. Singular, not plural. *sigh*

The Diva has spoken at 11:37 AM CDT
Ever noticed
Mood:  quizzical
Seeing as how I'm cheap and haven't actually paid to upgrade my blog to something more than "advert-ilicious", I of course, have ads at the top of my page. Have you noticed what's up there now?

"Car Accident Broken Bones"
"Brokenbeauties.com" (wtf?)
"Broken bone accident?"
"Broken collar bone law" (There's a law concerning broken collar bones???)


Ha!

Stacie, my neurotic friend, noticed that a couple of weeks ago the ad at the top of mine was for borderline personality disorder. Hmm... The broken bones I'm sure comes from all the talk of demolition and such, but the personality disorder from awhile back makes me wonder if some secret governmental agency is patrolling blogs, checking for emotionally unstable writers in desperate need of mood-altering medications and/or shock treatment.

Something to ponder anyway

The Diva has spoken at 11:18 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, October 5, 2004 11:23 AM CDT
Monday, October 4, 2004
"You might not be as redneck as you think."
Mood:  loud
This is what my mom said to me when I was relating the events of our past weekend to her. And I am going to have to agree. This is why I'm so quick to put "diva" behind the redneck, because while I have many, many redneck tendencies, all in all, I am a pretty poor excuse for a redneck.

Don't get me wrong, I do love the races and simply cannot live without driving in a demolition derby again, but there are just some things that I won't do, redneck obligations or not.

I sat in the bleachers Saturday night after the guys kicked us girls out of the pit and watched mullet after mullet walk by, wondering why in the hell has this hair style not been outlawed? Gag. The reason I saw so many damn mullets was because right below us was the Kid Rock monster truck and boy howdy, if you wanna see rednecks, wife-beaters, tattoos and mullets just bring out anything that has to do with Kid Rock. He's our poster child. Geez, you would not BELIEVE how many rednecks have camera phones!!!! I'm sure the airwaves were hot with text messages and mobile pictures that night.

"Yo, Johnny Bob, chk out cool pix of me & KID FREAKIN ROCK's truck. Ethel sez hi 2 - CYA" followed by multiple pictures of Rosco in his wife-beater, 5 or so dirty cotton-candy-sticky kids gathered around him, stringy hair nearly covering the tattoos all over his upper arms, grinning like a mad loon in front of the beloved Kid Rock truck. I've said it before, I'll say it again: You can't make crap like this up, people.

Friday night was the demolition derby, which was way cool and made me glad I didn't drive in it. One woman was brave enought to drive and I will have to say she's way high up on my hero list now. Geez, these guys were out to maim and possibly kill. I mean, yeah, the payout was $1200, but for cryin' out loud a ride in an ambulance costs that! We saw more than one car get knocked way the hell over the 3-foot tall barriers, one car nearly knocked over and several that were hit so hard their car looked like it'd been to the crusher by the end of the heat. We went into the arena after it was all over, checking out the cars, looking them over, seeing which ones fared best and which ones are crap. All of the sudden someone yells "FIRE!" and lo and behold the winning car had spontaneously burst into flames. That was freakin' cool. But here's the hilarious part: instead of getting the heck outta Dodge, the driver dives head first into the car to get his helmet. Guy's gotta have priorities I guess.

Andy drove great in the tough truck competition Saturday night. He ran a good race and when he came around the back corner and went over one of the hills, when he landed he blew a tire. Everyone one of us groaned and we knew it was all over, but that guy is so cool he finished on the rim. We applauded that one, understandably.

After we played around on the 4-wheelers in the arena awhile, jumping the barriers and hills, we decided to head back to the trucks. Some guy brings along his whole dang kitchen and cooks some serious barbecue, lemme tell ya. Whoo, that was some good eats. I was SO hungry, having eaten nothing but a gyro from the midway earlier in the afternoon (Note to self: Don't eat gyros at state fairs.)and it was now roughly 11pm. So instead of being smart about it all and eating first, what did I do but start drinking. And fast. At one point, I think it was the point where I was sitting sprawled out in my lawnchair, my feet in my husband's lawnchair, bottle in one hand, cigarette in the other, staring at the sky, that Andy called out, "Sommmmmeone's a cheap daaaaaaaate!" I think I told him to bite me. Or some other sort of crude remark involving my arse.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Tiring, kind of boring at times, dirty, hot during the day, colder than crap at night and I didn't see my husband but about 2 hours the entire daytime, but pretty good regardless.

There's another demolition derby this weekend! Guess who's driving--g'head, I'll give ya three guesses....okay, okay, I'll just tell ya. ME!!! *does happy little demolition derby diva dance all around her office shrine to Kid Rock*




The Diva has spoken at 11:26 PM CDT
Friday, October 1, 2004
Annnnnd they're OFF
We're heading to the great state of Arkansas. No, no inbred, hillbilly, redneck comments from me - too many of my own durn relatives are from there, lol.

While I'm gone keep yourselves amused by posting questions for me to answer. Anything you've ever wanted to know about your beloved Redneck Diva, just ask. I'll even steal from Lachlan and take requests for pics you wanna see. I think someone asked to see how her window or something, lol. Hey, whatever. If you wanna know, I'm willing to tell/show. Well, to a point. You know what that point is....right? You better! Behave now.


The Diva has spoken at 11:40 AM CDT
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Here's a question:
Mood:  quizzical
In Mission:Impossible did he ever listen to the tape and just say, "Eh, you know what? I think I choose not to accept this one. Hell with it, I'm goin' to Vegas."

The Diva has spoken at 5:25 PM CDT
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
The Derby
Mood:  spacey
Well, let me recap Saturday's events best I can. It's been awhile, but geez, people I've been durn busy!!!

Saturday morning Sis and I went in to paint, finishing up the flowers and whatnot on the car. I didn't shower or get ready then, knowing it would be a hot, dusty, dirty event. I didn't get a chance to take pics until that night, though. Here's one of the finished car:

And another:


By the time we got done it was nearly 1:30pm and I still had to get 3 kids ready, get myself ready and get to the wedding on time. But I did it. We were even a hair early to the wedding (plus it started late), so I was alright, just getting nervous. Soon as it was over, I flew to the fairgrounds, still in my capris and flippy sandals. I figured I could change in the truck, but the pits were swarming with people and I just wasn't comfortable with that. So I had to walk alllll the way to the entrance where they had a restroom with stalls. I got changed, considered puking while I was there, but decided against it. Got back to the pits and basically stood around faunching and pacing. Just driving the car into the arena for the Best of Show competition made me shake like a leaf! The guys were laughing, so I had to suck it up a bit. So it came time for Best in Show - I didn't win. Neither did Andy. We were robbed by some redneck, racist pig who had nasty white-ist comments on his car. For one thing, the Elks shouldn't have allowed it. For another thing, the crowd should not have voted for him! I was livid over that. So then after the voting I had to get in my car in front of alllll those people in the stands. I could just imagine myself tripping and falling face-first into the mud, or worse, into the car! But I hopped up onto the hood like a pro, dropped down into the car and rumbled off like I'd done it every day of my life. My fans (aka, family) said I was lookin' pretty cool out there. Yeah, baby. So I sat in the pits, watching the Chains heats, growing more and more nervous by the second, trying to watch the derby and glean valuable tips and ideas. Mannnn...I didn't glean much. My teeth were itching, which is a sure sign I'm nervous. Yes, my teeth itch. I can't help it, it's just one more thing that makes me weird, lol. So I went to the bathroom, aka porta potty. Bleh, that didn't help, probably made me more antsy. I bummed a cigarette. So much for smoking calming a person down. I drank some water because for some reason I had NO SPIT IN MY MOUTH then. Then, I heard Andy holler at me, telling me we were up next. AGH! I was to the point where I was either going to start laughing hysterically or cry like a baby, I was so nervous. His daugher, Casee (she's 14) was just as nervous as I was. We kind of hugged and headed to the cars, both of us looking like we were heading to be slaughtered.

Paul, bless that man's heart, completely centered me. If y'all only knew him - he's 10 years older than me, very quiet and rarely shows emotion, publicly or privately. That's just him. I've learned to deal with it, knowing that he really does love me, somewhere inside all the redneck exterior. Don't get me wrong, he tells me he loves me and all, but as far as being a big emotional supporter, well he's not really into that. So he helped me put my helmet on, looked me squarely in the eyes and asked me if I was sure I was okay. I just nodded because if I'd tried to say anything at that point I'd have cried. He looked so concerned and so proud all at the same time. He tightened up my helmet, put his hands on my shoulders and said, serious as he could be, "Richie says to 'drive it like you stole it,'" which got us both smiling. "Now, get out there and kick some ass, baby," and that was that. He turned me around and nudged me toward my car. At that moment I was grounded, completely calm and ready to go. Okay, not completely calm, but calmer anyway, lol. I walked up the hood, dropped into the car, wiggled into the seat and there was my man again, at my window, situating my pillows (Yes, I had pillows between me and the driver's door. And they helped too!) and helping me with my seatbelt. Once more he asked if I was ready. I nodded, bit my lip and put 'er into gear. He banged the hood twice and sent me off. The Diva was in the zone, lemme tell ya.

The announcer shouted "Drivers! Are you ready??5,4,3,2....ONE!" and I headed in reverse, aiming at a black car right across the arena from me. BAM! The first hit HURT! But think about it, I've never been in a car accident (well when I was 3, but I don't remember it) so I really didn't know what to expect when I got hit by another car. But I shook it off, took about a half a second to gather myself and then the fight was on. It was pure adrenaline and determination flowing through me and I was out for blood. I made a good hit then CRASH I got hit by 3 cars at once. Yow, that was a brain-rattler. I managed to get free, got a clear shot and rammed a girl from our shop with all my might. Then her husband rammed me. It was fun! I got off to the end of the arena and my car died. I could hear it cranking, but it wouldn't turn over. I looked for my pit crew (Husbands #1 and #2) and they were trying to sign-language me through it. Finally, they just told me to break my flag because I was in danger of getting rammed just sitting there. It was over. But man, I was still high! I was #9 out of 17 to flag out, so not too bad for a first-timer. The derby was still going on, other cars still crashing and Sis was yelling at me that she was going to pay my fee for Powder Puff. That's what we call gettin 'er done! ROFL I hadn't intended on driving PowPuff, but had it not been for my battery I'd have gone a lot further in Compact, so I wanted my shot again. I knew I was going up against some big cars, but I didn't care! Here's a shot from the first heat:




When it was finally over, my husbands came out and determined that my battery was just going dead and the car was certainly still driveable. Ah, blessedness! I was definitely going to do it again. Paul looked so proud and so did Richie! They were both grinning from ear to ear, telling me I did a good job for a rookie. Yeah, so they added "for a rookie", but hey, I still took it as a compliment. They put in a brand new battery, sledged out a few minor kinks and at my request, fixed my trunk lid. It had popped up at the first hit and I had a really hard time seeing. I was ready to go again. An hour after the first round I was in the arena again, getting ready to smash into my redneck sisters this time. My little bitty purple Buick Celebrity looked like a mouse turd compared to the enormous red, white and blue Chrysler across from me, but I was undaunted. The hits were a lot harder that heat, but I still held my own. Once a chick hit me with her front-end square into my left front fender. Hard enough to kill both our cars. I looked over at her, she looked up at me, we both smiled and waved and backed up to go after someone else. That had me laughing out loud! Polite bitches, that's what we were. That aforementioned rw&b Chrysler hit me one too many times and I was after her. Oohhh, she was brutal! (She hit me so hard it konked my head against the frame. Thank God for helmets!) And I was going to get brutal back. Afterwards, my aunt Janet said, "I think you were pissed off at one point weren't you?" Hella yeah. I was #5 to flag out in that heat, it starting with 10 cars. Again, not too bad for a newbie.

I was noodle-legged when it was all over with, but oh so happy. I had done it!! My neck was really sore for a few days, my legs were sore from bracing (I think I mentioned that in the last post) and my chest was pretty tender. Now I'm fine, just sporting some cool bruises on my chest and boob, lol. We're going to Ft. Smith, AR, this weekend for the big stuff. Andy's racing his super cool, ultra loud racing truck and we're going along to pit crew and to watch and learn. We are SUCH rednecks!

If you want to see all the pics from the derby, email me and I'll send you the link to the photo album I made. There are some good pics, but too many to post on here. Here's one of the post-derby car, though:



The Diva has spoken at 3:54 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, September 30, 2004 5:19 PM CDT
Sunday, September 26, 2004
I'm a survivor
Albeit a bruised survivor.

OH MY GOSH PEOPLE THAT DEMOLITION DERBY HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just wanted to drop a quick line letting everyone know I am alive and fine and all my bones are still intact. I know you all lost sleep last night worrying about your diva, but sleep now, my children, momma's fine.

My legs are wicked sore from bracing against hits, (we estimated about 50 hits in two heats) my arms are a little sore and my neck is only sore when I tilt it way back (like to wash my hair - OW!). My chest however is in serious bad shape. Last night by 11 I had a bruise beginning at my left collar bone. This morning I have one on the inside of my right breast. Now it's just a matter of playing "connect the bruises" to form one gigantic diagonal line from left shoulder, across right breast to right ribcage. It's gonna be purty, I'm sure of that. And tender! YOWIE. Abby has been so lovey today and every time her head whacks into my chest it just takes my breath away. I spit dirt for an hour after the derby last night and am still blowing dirt boogers from my nose this morning. Hey, you can't make this crap up, people.

Well, I'm off to take a nap, aided by a hefty dose of Aleve. Trust me, I will post pictures of the derby and the car afterwards tomorrow. Today's priority is sleep and then a trip to WalMart to get groceries. The kids seem to think we need food in the house...geez.

The Diva has spoken at 12:44 PM CDT
Saturday, September 25, 2004
D-day!
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Jeff Foxworthy's radio show, Redneck Countdown or something
I'm sitting here in my office with a container of Yoplait whipped strawberry yogurt sitting in my guts threatening to do bad, bad things to my digestive system. Or maybe I'll just puke. Either way, I'm sure I'll feel better. I'M SO NERVOUS!!!!

Well, yesterday we painted the car! She's virtually done. Done to the point that if we don't make it in today to finish it'll be fine, no one would know but us. We're going to try to make it in to finish up the flowers on the roof. Yes, I said flowers on the roof. Hey, I'm a diva, alright?

Sis and I started painting around 2 in the afternoon, it being just us and the kids and some guy we didn't know in the shop. We stayed out in the lot, the kids played in the chat and we just had an all-around good time, laughing and trying to figure out what we were going to do with the artwork. Here's the gnome:



Aint' he cute?? Sis did an awesome job, I think! I did the lettering on the sides; my name, number and of course, Rule 42. I also called a friend of ours, Jim, and asked him if we could do a little free advertising for his businesses since I didn't really have any sponsors. He was thrilled and said that even though he wasn't a "sponsor" that if I got hurt, he'd kick in on the hospital bill. What a guy. I was bound and determined to keep "Git R Done" off of my car, because that is THE catch phrase these days and EVeryone will have it on their car and I wanted to be the only one without it. Well, what did I do but leave for a couple of hours to take Sam to karate and have dinner and I come back to GIT R DONE scrawled across the back!! ARGH!! I was PISSED beyond belief. It was only my husband there and bless his heart, he got the brunt of my verbal attack. He was claiming he was innocent and what choice did I have but to believe him. Later I found out that Richie's wife, Melissa, is the one that actually painted it on my car, but it was at PAUL's bidding. Guess who went into the doghouse. Heather and I were going to try and paint over it, but we just didn't have enough of one color paint, so instead we added a little feminine flair to it:



That'll teach 'em to mess with The Diva, especially when she has PMS.

Well, when we got back from dinner we also discovered they had locked up the shop. Here it was 9pm and I still had about 2 hours worth of painting to finish! So we pushed her over under the pole light. Yep. No kidding. Paul took the kids on home (they were dirty, tired and sunburned) and Sis and I painted till 11. We had so much fun! It was definitely a memory-making experience. I also practiced getting in and out of the car, something that has worried me to death. What if I look like a dork? What if I fall? (which I am prone to doing) What if I dent in the hood? (Oh yeah, that's already been done, lol) So we decided that the best mode of entrance is to just step onto the front bumper and walk up the hood, then jump down inside. Sounds good in theory, worked well in practice, we'll see how it works tonight.

I've got a wedding to go to at 5, I will leave there as soon as they kiss and fly to the fairgrounds, change in the van, then help with the prep-work. Best in Show competition is before the derby starts and I am definitely entering! Hightower, the guy who gave me the car, was getting pretty worried that I might actually win it. He was all cocky that his would be the best (my husband painted a killer joker face on the hood for him) but he kept coming over about every 15 minutes saying, "Girl, you've got me worried now. I think I'm gonna repo the car!" Sis and I secretly think that the GIT R DONE fiasco was actually some sort of sabotage on the part of the men.... the world may never know. Last pic for ya. We had to do something to incorporate the sunroof into the theme of the car, so we painted a flower pot around it and well, just look:




Vroom vroom! I'm outta here!

The Diva has spoken at 10:11 AM CDT
Updated: Saturday, September 25, 2004 10:15 AM CDT
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Bleh
Mood:  don't ask
Well, it'll be quick tonight. I know I always say that but tonight it really will be. I've got a sick baby. Okay, well she's 18 or so days away from being 8, but she's still my baby. She came home from school early today and it's just gone downhill from there. I figure I have about 8 minutes left now until she barfs again, so I thought I'd post real quick before it's back to puke duty, as I so lovingly call it. How come husband never does puke duty? Not once in our parenting careers has he ever pulled a 2-night stint of sleeping on the couch, holding little heads while they heave into a trashcan. He doesn't know what he's missing. Actually, yes he probably does. He may be smarter than I give him credit for...

There are 2 kindergartens at the kids' school. Yesterday the class that Sam's not in, ended up sending 7 kids home before day's end. That particular class is afflicted with the projectile vomiting, high fever virus, whereas Sam's class has mostly been coming down with the high fever, headache, severe abdominal pain minus the vomiting variety. Either way you get some serious sick kidlets. I talked to Sam's teacher tonight and she told me that if I wanted to keep him home tomorrow to keep him out of the germs for 4 whole days she didn't see a thing wrong with it, in fact she sounded like she was borderline encouraging it. They're out of school anyway on Friday, so I figure if he stays away from the school till Monday we might let a few germs die in the process. Of course, his sister is here germing up our HOUSE, so we'll see what happens.

You know what happens to parents who pull continuous rounds of puke duty, right? Ooohhh I'm gonna be SO pissed off if I don't get to drive in the derby this weekend... You will all get to witness one furiously insane 31 year old woman throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum. You'll also, though, get to see pictures of my husband driving my purple car in the derby instead! That's almost worth yakking uncontrollably for 24 hours. Okay, no it's not. I SO take that back.

The Diva has spoken at 9:12 PM CDT
Monday, September 20, 2004
The car!
Mood:  on fire





Keep in mind, now, that she's not done yet. Sis and I will purty her up on Friday. But I just HAD to get a picture up on here! I'm like a mom with new pics of her baby! Albeit she's a metal, lavender baby...

The Diva has spoken at 3:52 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, September 20, 2004 3:55 PM CDT

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