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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
Goodness I've missed my blog
Mood:  chillin'
Again, the "chillin'" on my mood is because I'm COLD. Today was just damp and cold and rather dreary. Perfect fall weather, but I guess I'm just not used to it because I walked around in my "granny sweater" and sweats all day, constantly checking the kids' hands to see if they were cold, bitching about my own hands being cold and checking the thermostat. Man, I love winter.

Funny story: I teasingly call my husband "bitch" a lot. He's my "trash bitch" when the trash needs taken out and burned. The "light bitch" when a lightbulb has burned out. "Clothes bitch" when he has clean uniforms to hang up and I'm tired of moving them off the bed at night and back on again in the morning, but I simply refuse to do more than launder them. Anyway, I was cold all evening and had been curled up on the couch in a blanket when I heard him pull in. I went to the door and upon seeing no children around I said, "Get in here and build a fire, bitch!" Well, my sneaky near-3-year-old was right behind me and said, "Yeah, BITCH, build momma a fire!" Me and my big mouth. Of course, it was hilarious funny but being a parent I couldn't laugh, when this evening Abby came up front holding a blanket out at arm's length and said "Uhh Mom...the cat pissed all over this blanket." I wanted to just blurt out a big BWAH! at that, but instead I laid my head down on the edge of the cabinet, hid my face with my arms and said, "Oh Ab, please tell me you don't use the word pissed at school." She shrugged and said, "Oh my gosh no!" Whew. So she's only sailor-talking for her parents, how sweet. I really need to watch my mouth.

Speaking of cat, we brought the cat in the house today. We got her on Ab's birthday, but she's been strictly outside. Well, when I discovered on Saturday that our rodent friends had been feasting on ramen noodles in the pantry I cleaned it all out, disinfected it and put everything in Tupperware, only to find that Sunday morning they had decided that since the noodles were gone they wanted bread instead. So I told the bitch to set some traps. FINALLY he did. 2 in the pantry and 3 in the former "craft cabinet" (which is now devoid of anything but some dried up containers of play-doh and an old lunchbox). This morning there was one nasty sucker dead in a trap in the cabinet. All other traps were clear. This morning I was out here in my office when I heard one in the cabinet snap again. It wasn't checked until the kids got home and I gave them a flashlight and told them to see if there was a critter on there. Man, they had a jolly time with that. Sure enough, one more dead. When I was fixing dinner I noticed that one in the pantry was tripped but no critter was on it. I asked the kids if they had thrown something up there and accidently tripped it, but they denied it, however Abby did say she had heard it go off while she was in the utility room earlier. So when Paul got home he emptied the full trap and reset the tripped one. And what did the cat do all day? Sleep in my chair. Stupid cat. Sure glad we brought her in here to keep the mice at bay.

I started watching a new kid today. She's 16 months old. She's a very active 16 month old, too. Of course, I think they all are, I'm just out of practice. I'm used to the independent playings of 2 and 3 year olds. She's a sweetheart though, and I really enjoy having her here. Well, she made herself right at home here this morning. I was giving the cat a bath and if you've never bathed a half-grown cat, lemme tell ya, you haven't lived. I've bathed kittens before and that's okay, they don't squirm too much. Well, this little darling squirmed. Really not as much as I was expecting - I was expecting to walk out of there slightly resembling something from a Leslie Nielsen movie, know what I mean? Hair disheveled, clothing shredded, blood seeping from multiple scratch wounds...Yeah. Well, soon as she realized there was water running she started trying to walk up my arms, neck whatever she could get a claw on, but I just grabbed her in one hand around the neck, the other hand by the back feet and firmly dunked her. She sputtered, twisted and tried to escape so I dunked her again. She quit. Funny how that happens. After that she was sullenly content to be bathed. Until the one-year-old fell head first into the tub. So now I have one soapy hand on a soapy, cranky, borderline pissed-off cat and one soapy hand on the child trying to keep her from drowning and I'm screaming "PAUL GET IN HERE!!!" Fortunately he was home. Had he been gone already I would've had to let go of soapy cat and she would've shot outta that tub like a rocket and no telling where'd she have gone. Probably would've ended up under my bed to get dust bunnies in her soapy wet fur. But anyway, Paul came running and rescued the child, dried her off and then proceded to nearly collapse into laughter at the sight of me kneeling at the side of the tub, hair in my face, surrounded by squealing children, sporting a soaking wet sweatshirt. It was a Kodak moment, I'm sure.

I'm hoping that the reason the cat has slept all day isn't that she's lazy, but that she was just traumatized by the bathing experience this morning and that tomorrow I'll wake up to a pile of dead mouse carcasses and a proudly murderous cat. I'm hoping. I can always hope.

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 PM CST
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Friday! Friday! Friday!
Yesterday was absolutely whirlwind, but it was SUCH a good day! Some days are hectic and really crappy, but some are hectic and really really good.

It started off with me getting to lie on the couch and sleep for about 45 minutes after the kids got on the bus. Kady was happy watching TV and I was happy snoozing. I had actually set the alarm for an hour, but the phone woke me up early. Still it was nice to just doze awhile. The phone call was Trishia, telling me that the teacher next door to her (who I sort of knew, but not really, since I'd subbed for her a few times last year) was desperate for a sitter on Monday and Tuesday. Well, being the opportunist I am, I said sure thinking what's two days? It's an extra $30 is what it is, lol. Then as the conversation progressed she told me that it could be Mondays and Tuesdays for a few months. Eh, wasn't real excited about that, but it is only two days a week, teacher's hours and temporary. I told her I would and to have the woman call me. She hasn't yet, so we'll see if it pans out. So then I just got around, got ready, gathered stuff for the kids' costumes and stuff for the parties. Chandler got here around 9:30, I got the costumes on the kids (I had planned on leaving them in regular clothes all day, but I figured heck might as get as much wear as possible out of those costumes, right?)and out the door we headed.

I was kind of getting stressed at that point, thinking of all the things I needed to get done and wasn't sure where'd I fit them all in. But I just tried to concentrate on having a good day and let it all go. I made a quick stop at the Friendship House and was really disappointed to find the scarves sadly picked over. Last week they had TONS but I waited thinking I'd find some I liked better. That'll teach me. I grabbed two- one white, one blue- paid my $1.17 and off we ran again. Then we went to WalMart, of course, can't go to town without going there, lol. I picked up the black hair spray for Sam, extra vampire makeup because I wasn't sure just how much of it I'd use at school and knew we had another day of dress-up to go (turns out I didn't need it but oh well), a few groceries and a dozen donuts for Sam's party. Bleh, donuts for kindergarteners? I was perplexed with that one - what happened to cupcakes or cookies?? After WalMart we headed straight home so I could feed the kids lunch, load up the party stuff, gather the karaoke machine (Courtney borrowed it for a party she's going to tonight), and managed to throw in an argument with Kady. Ah, that kid...

We got to the school during the last of Sam's class' rest time, so I took that opportunity to take the party stuff to Ab's room in the next building, give her her costume and then ran back to Sam's building. I hadn't even practiced with his makeup, so I was really unsure what I was doing. OH WOW, he looked GREAT! There was a toothless, stinky redneck couple (bless their hearts, but they were distracting!) sitting there with me in the hall giving me a running commentary and assaulting my olfactory senses, so I'm thinking that today while I'm in my own home I can do an even better job, lol. The hairspray was a little blotchy, but I was trying to keep it low-key and not spray the tables, floor and anybody walking by. Today I'm standing him on the carport with a towel around his and spraying the heck outta him. His makeup looked freaky cool and Courtney said that on the parade he got tons of compliments and she heard a bunch of "Wow, someone's mom is a good makeup artist". Amazing what that $1.84 vampire makeup from WM can do. My plan was to make a short appearance at Sam's party, but since I was the one in charge of Ab's it just didn't happen. It was kind of hectic over there with 19 7/8 year olds squealing, playing pranks, hugging me and trying to kidnap my two youngest wards. Actually I really didn't have to pay too much attention to KD and Chan because between Ab and two other little mothering girls they were occupied and taken care of. I'd look around every now and then, eyeball the red-headed duck hunter and the cheerleader with sausage curl dogears and go back to the party. Abby looked great in her gypsy costume, complete with dramatic makeup and lots of jewelry. The scarf I wasn't so happy with, but it was my fault we got a crappy one. I'm not done yet, though - I may find some other fabric to wrap around her head today, lol. KD and Chan ate their weights in cotton candy pilfered from Ab's classmates, drank more strawberry pop than should be allowed by law and made out like bandits in the candy department. They were so well-behaved and I didn't regret taking Chan on the extra day - I knew he'd like the party. When Ab's party had wound down I finally got a chance to gather up stuff and children and make it back over to Sam's room. There were like 3 kids left in the room and I was sure he'd be really disappointed in me having not shown up, but I think he had had a great time being the scariest looking vampire in the room. He loves that attention. Wonder who he gets that from..... I took a few moments to secretly loathe Courtney for wearing the cheerleading uniform she wore in high school. Agh, I can wear a pair of earrings I wore in high school, but that's about it. I guess I should be happy for her. *gag*

We left the school and drove to town to get Ab's glasses fixed for the second week in a row. The same nosepiece keeps falling off, screw and all. They said if it happens again we'll just order new frames because there is something obviously wrong with those. I left Sam in the car with the babies, who had fallen either asleep or into diabetic comas at that point and standing inside the office, looking out at my boy sitting in the driver's seat waiting on us, he looked just like Eddie Munster!! ROFL I was laughing and commenting on it and (of course, Ab's going "Who's Eddie Munster") a man waiting looked out and said "Oh my gosh, he does!" Pretty cute. So then we drove out to WM so I could bum money off the husband (who said no, btw, the jerk) and showed Ab and Sam off to a couple of the techs in the shop. Then we stopped at the bank to cash a check I really had intended on depositing, but since butthead wouldn't give any up, I had to make do. Then I drove downtown to meet Chan's daddy so they could get haircuts. I was early so I took the time to clean out the van. It's still a mess, but now it's an organized mess. I've gotta get out there and really clean it out so I'll have room for all the candy we're going to acquire tonight. (High hopes, it doesn't hurt, lol) So then after we dropped off Chandler we still had 45 minutes till karate, so the kids and I ran into WM yet again, to find tooth-black for Sis and I, since we decided to dress up. They don't sell tooth-black! Probably some kid choked on a microscopic piece one year and they took it off the market. That was a dry run. Then it was off to karate. I had wiped off all of Sam's makeup but his hair was still dark. Sensei didn't recognize him and that cracked Sam up. Then after karate we ran through McD's - okay I say "ran through". Running through at a snail's pace, more like it. I guess everyone was in the mood for McFood. While waiting, I heard a weather bulletin on the radio that said we were under a tornado watch till 10 and the storms were severe. I called Heather (who was 5 cars behind me) to tell her. She said we should wait awhile longer to make a decision on the football game, (the girls were supposed to cheer) but it was lookin' pretty bad and I wasn't sure we needed to wait. I was pretty much convinced. By the time I got to the other end of town I called Mom and told her I wasn't going. I wasn't sure what Sis was gonna do, but the Hoov's weren't going. We drove home in a torrential downpour, punctuated by the occasional cloud-to-ground lightning and gale-force winds. Yikes. Paul was waiting for us on the carport to help unload and we were home for the night.

Something weird happened when we'd been home about 30 minutes. Abby got a phone call. Yes, that would be my 8 year old. It was a girl in her class. She had a shocked look on her face that I'm sure just mirrored the shocked one on my face. It was still storming at that point and Cheyenne said she was going to the game. I told Ab that more than likely she really wasn't and maybe she just thought her parents were still taking her. Well, by 7:30 when the game started, the storm had pretty much passed but there was still lightning. We just weren't going out in that. So by 8 the kids were in bed. I had no sooner turned out Ab's light when the phone rang for her again. It was Cheyenne telling her she was at the game and why wasn't Ab there. Ohhh poor Abby! She just hung up, handed me the phone and said with a deadpan look on her face, "Mom, they're having the game." My heart hit my toes. She just laid down and didn't say another word. I started to just walk out and leave it but I couldn't. I sat down on her bed and she jumped up and threw her arms around my neck, crying. I said, "Sweetie, your daddy and I just feel like it's still too dangerous to sit at a football game in the lightning. I know you're disappointed, but I really don't want to get electrocuted!" She giggled a little and I said I was sorry. She sniffed and said that it was really okay, she understood and could she please go to camp again next year. You betcha, you old-souled little angel, would you like a new car, too? Ah, parental guilt- there's nothing like it.

Paul and I watched a show on a haunted town in Kansas, had a discussion on ghosts, demons and their existence. He doesn't believe in anything but angels. I think that's pretty closed-minded. I mean, God's got his helpers, you know Satan has his, too. Some say that "ghosts" are nothing more than demons - even the nice ones - and they are just out to torment, confuse and plague people. I'm not sure about this one. My upbringing in the Southern Baptist church battles with my tendency to wonder beyond what's taught in Sunday School. I just know I think Halloween's one of the coolest dang holidays ever! I love that spooky stuff.

Well, I gotta go...I've gotta get around and then go clean out that darn van. Bleh.

I'll be posting pics of all of us in costume so be sure to check back!

The Diva has spoken at 9:27 AM CDT
Thursday, October 28, 2004
An adventure
I have recently gotten absolutely captivated by a story that I just had to share with y'all.

It's about Nathaniel, the obese feline in need of affection. Here's an excerpt from the kindergarten reader, "I Can":

Nat is a cat.
Nat is fat.
Is Nat a cat?
Nat is a fat cat.

Nat the cat is fat.
Is the cat a fat cat?
The fat cat is Nat.
Nat is on a mat.

Is the cat on the mat fat?
The cat on the mat is Nat.
Nat is a fat cat.
Pat the cat.

Pat Nat the cat.
Nat the cat is on the mat.
Is the cat on the mat?
Is the cat on the mat fat Nat?
Pat the fat cat Nat.

Can you see why I'm so captivated?

MY GOSH, but I need a vacation.

The Diva has spoken at 9:07 AM CDT
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
This is what happens
This is what happens when you hang around with two 2-year olds all day long:

The Diva has spoken at 10:59 PM CDT
High drama
It's only Wednesday!?

Monday morning Sis went to work like normal and got fired. We are all still reeling from it, completely confused and more than a little upset. The actual term used was "insubordination", but Sis is fighting it. I'm not going to say more than that. Big Brother might be watching, lol. It just been a very trying and a very emotional week. I had Mom and Sis and the kids out for dinner Monday night just to talk things over, let everyone vent and just be together and support each other. I'm a "fixer" by nature and it pains me to no end to not be able to help either one of them and make it better. Later in the evening Sis' friend (and mine too) Melissa, came out and we ended up going out to the casino awhile after the kids went to bed. Paul let me go without a word. I think he knew I needed to be with Sis and we all needed a diversion.

Yesterday was fairly uneventful EXCEPT that my son has been through a trauma. He seems no worse for the wear, but still it's distressing when a parent hears that her not quite 6 year old son is being dare I say it - sexually harassed in the school bathroom. Yes, I dared say it. Several boys were making fun of his penis and laughing and telling him it was small. WTF??? They're 5 and 6 - they ALL have small penises! I was nauseated, literally nauseated, when he told me. He's been having nightmares the last week or so and finally yesterday morning I got it out of him that that was what was going on. I sent a note with him for the teacher to call me when she had time. Thankfully we have 2 really great teachers in his grade at our school and they got on it immediately. They had a talk with everyone about not belittling other people, much less their private parts and she told me she felt things were resolved, the boys didn't know what they were saying was really bad wrong and they felt bad they had hurt his feelings, but that if I hear of it happening again they will take more drastic action. I hate to be labelled as "one of those parents" who complains about every little thing - and the teacher assured me I was justified in my concern - but my gosh...these are young boys, 5 and 6 year olds. Where are they learning such cruel bahavior? And such private behavior?? My sister said it was probably some redneck dad or older brother spouting his mouth off about someone's size and their manliness. Bullcrap. Kids're like little sponges.

Today was okay really. Except for the SMELL. But no one got fired or harassed, so the smell I guess is pretty trivial. I don't like it, but it's not deadly. Yet.

Kady did get her flu shot today. We couldn't get it at her regular PA's office, but we got one at the Health Department. They had a limited supply, but we got one. Because of her age she only got a half dose and is supposed to get the other half in a month, but they're not sure they'll have any. Same thing happened last year and she was fine so if she doesn't get one I'm not going to freak.

It's too cloudy and rainy to see the eclipse tonight. What a bummer. The last time there was a lunar eclipse I woke Ab up at midnight to see it. I had her bundled up and carried her outside. She lifted her head off my shoulder, looked at it and said, "Yeah, great. Now could you put me back in my bed?" Hey, I tried.

I just had a wonderful conversation on Yahoo with my BFF - Tiffany!!! We are both trying so hard to not call each other multiple times a day and running up our phone bills, but it's hard!! Tonight she downloaded messenger and we had a great conversation, making fun of our husbands, just like we do in real life! Gotta love the 'net.

Well, I'm going to go take off my eye makeup and then rub my eyes. There are few things better than that - taking off all the goop and then rubbing your eyes till you see the greenish glowing floaty things. To quote everyone's favorite inmate "It's a good thing."

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 PM CDT
I smell a smell
Mood:  smelly

I will go insane if I don't find the origin of the smell! The smell is bad. The smell is offensive. The smell is embarrassing!

Husband took out the trashes this morning. The smell remained.

Sis and I pulled the refrigerator out away from the wall this afternoon and I mopped and Lysol-ed behind it. The smell is still here!

I have cleaned ad nauseum, doing things that I just don't normally do when I clean. WHERE IS THE FREAKING SMELL COMING FROM?????

I'm thinking it's a dead mouse that's hidden somewhere. We've run all the traps and there's no decaying critter on any of them. The smell is somewhere in the vicinity of my cabinets on my kitchen's north wall, so I'm thinking it's under the dishwasher or under the sink, like under under the sink.


I hate the smell.

The Diva has spoken at 10:10 PM CDT
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Remember when I said...
Mood:  spacey
...this morning that my life was perfect?

I really need to clarify something:

3 screaming children is not perfect.
3 children running about the house like they have been smoking crack is not perfect.
Being a hunting widow is not perfect.
The fact that it's 9 minutes till 7:30pm and I am just waiting for the clock to strike the half hour so that I can justify putting my kids to bed is not perfect.
The fact that I have developed a quirky little twitch on the left side of my face that occurs every time my son screams in such a pitch that the neighborhood dogs begin barking is not perfect.
3 children "pretending they are babies" and have decided you are their "mommy" and they are now sitting at your feet talking baby talk and drooling on your legs is not perfect.

Just thought I'd clarify.

The Diva has spoken at 7:24 PM CDT
Great.... I'm a freaking wimp
Mannnnnnn...I guess this "bad girl/biker bitch/redneck woman/naughty housewife" image isn't working eh?

You Are Not Scary

Not Scary!

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

The Diva has spoken at 11:15 AM CDT
What to wear

You Should Be a Girl Scout for Halloween!

You Should Be a Girl Scout for Halloween!

Yeah, yeah...whatever. That just isn't much fun. I wanna go as Super Mom - think they make capes in hot purple with glitter and sequins?

The Diva has spoken at 11:06 AM CDT
What kind
You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.
I found this link over at David's blog and thought I'd give it a whirl. It pretty much told me what I already knew though. You, too, I'm sure.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 AM CDT
Too much of a good thing is a good thing
Mood:  happy

I'm sitting at my computer desk in my office. I'm still in my pj's, savoring the last cup of coffee and rather enjoying it. My youngest child is finally getting to wear her "fluffy shirt" that she's been begging to wear for a week but it's been too hot. She's content now. Her hair isn't fixed and she's even more content about that. My son has folded himself entirely into the laundry hamper in my bedroom and thinks no one knows where he is. He says a word or two every now and then, thinking he's giving us a grand hint as to his whereabouts. He's occupied and relatively quiet (for him anyway). I just heard happy squeals from the living room and when I turned around the look, oldest daughter was snuggling in next to her daddy, who in a rare moment of affection, put his arm around her and she cuddled in even more. They're looking over last year's school yearbook, she's curled up next to him and he's resting his chin on her head.

Upon seeing this scene unfolding right before my eyes I was just so completely overcome with emotion. This is perfect. We have a really messy house right now, the yard is covered in leaves, the kids' rooms are disasters, I desperately need to mop and pay some bills, my van looks like a family of gypsies has taken it over and are living in it as I type, my dog steals toys and other items off of the neighbor's porch, we are drowning in debt, my husband hates his job and I hate it that he hates his job. the midst of all that, deep down...

Things are perfect.

The Diva has spoken at 10:46 AM CDT
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Dental Drama, Part Deux
Mood:  incredulous
Well, we came home from Tulsa yesterday with no headgear. All they did was fit her bands, not actually install them. I was more than a little put out about this, lemme tell ya. When they did all of Sam's pre-appliance preparations they did it all in one day. They did x-rays, impressions and fit his bands all at once. THEN called us back for the installing.But oh noooo, not Abby, heavens no...they had to make us divide it up into TWO appointments! Have you SEEN the price of gas lately? It took half a tank of gas to go there and back yesterday, thereby using up nearly $25 in gas. And it wasn't that I just misunderstood either. The receptionist was under the same impression I was. We were both miffed when I checked out. She apologized all over the place and I really did appreciate that, even though it wasn't technically her fault.

Of course, Ab was thrilled that she didn't get it because her slumber party is tomorrow night and she didn't want to have to wear it for that. Plus Halloween is next week and she was worried I'd make her wear it in public, although I've SWORN to her I would never do that. Anyway, I was pissed, she was thrilled. Which seems to be how the two of us operate lately: she's one extreme, I'm the other. Can you imagine how it's going to be when she's a teenager?

Did anyone ever find any 55-gallon drums of Calgon??

The Diva has spoken at 8:55 AM CDT
Updated: Thursday, October 21, 2004 8:58 AM CDT
Mood:  happy
(Did anyone else ever watch The Tick or was it just me and my brother in law?)


We cut open some persimmon seeds the other night and found spoons. "Dear Diva, why did you do such a silly thing?" you may be asking. Well, I'm glad you asked, actually. It's said that the seeds of a persimmon actually will predict the kind of weather we will have in the coming months. If you cut them open and find a fork, it's going to be dry (I've personally never seen the seeds show a fork). If you find a knife we're going to have a winter with lots of ice, the knife thus saying you'll have to cut the ice with a knife. Or something like that. If you find a spoon in your persimmon seed, it means you'll be shovelling a lot of SNOW! YES! SNOW!!!!!!!!!! Now, I grew up in this area and have lived here my whole life. EVeryone around here believes this and so far I've never seen it NOT be true. The pictures I took are of the seeds when they were a few days old and kind of shrivelled up, but I hope you can still get the general idea of what it shows. I know it looks like knives, but trust me, it WAS spoons when we first did it! And yes, I know the picture is crappy, too. I had the setting wrong on my camera and didn't realize just how bad the pics were until after I threw the seeds away. Oh well, anyway, TRUST ME, people!


The Diva has spoken at 8:40 AM CDT
Updated: Thursday, October 21, 2004 8:45 AM CDT
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Get your tickets to the Mouse-capades! Coming soon to a bathroom near you!
Mood:  silly
Well, like Collin, I think my karma is doomed.

I had the kids settled in at the breakfast table this morning and decided that I had a moment to actually pee by myself, so I took off down the hall. When I flipped on the light what did I find but an adorable little gray mouse running in circles on the bathroom rug! I don't know if the poor guy had some sort of seizure disorder and the light threw him into a fit or what, but he was literally just running in circles on the rug. Of course, upon seeing the rodent I screamed "SH*T" and did a funny little backstepping dance out into the hall. But the mouse didn't run out with me. So I peeked back in to find him still running around. He'd do a few circles, run under the potty chair, back to the rug to circle a few times, run toward the toilet, then back to the rug. It really was rather amusing, I must say. But still, I don't like mice nor do I want them in my home, so I - in my best stage whisper - called to Ab and said, "Go wake up your daddy and tell him to bring the broom!" Upon hearing that, Sam yells from the breakfast table, "COOL!! MOMMMMMMM!! If it's a scorpion it's MINE!" I, with my eyes still on the drunken mouse, said, "Sorry son, it's just a mouse." Well, I then hear chairs scooting on the kitchen floor and two little boys running toward me. By this time the mouse had tired of his little game, which I'm sure was making him nauseous, and decided to vary his path, bringing him directly at me. I stomped, bound and determined to keep him in that bathroom. Well, he ran under the cabinet lip thingy and I thought that surely he had a hole there and was going to escape, but no he just sat there and cowered. By now I'm starting to feel really sorry for our epileptic rodent friend, but then here comes husband down the hall, in his underwear, with the broom in hand. Cussing me, mind you.
"Dammit, Kristin! I was asleep! WHY did I have to bring you the broom?"
"A MOUSE, dear!"
(mocking me) "A mouse, dear."
A chorus of "IIIIEEEWWWWW's" from the kids and the deed is done. He then picks up the twitching critter by the tail and is going to give our new kitten an early morning treat. Sam of course, sees the twitching and says, "If it's still alive can we keep it??" Paul opens the front door only to have headlights glare in at us. Remember, he's in his underwear, lol. He says, "Oh CRAP! Who's that?" I busted out laughing and said, "Oh just my sister." So now he's tearing through the house in his skivvies still carrying the darn mouse by the tail. Well, when the van stopped and I realized it was not Sis but Bub instead, I gave Paul the all-clear and out the back door he went to feed the kitty.

Now, my question is this: Since I was just the one who gave up the poor little guy to the broom-wielding husband and not the actual broom-wielder, does that still pretty much screw up my chances of good karma forevermore?

The Diva has spoken at 10:55 PM CDT
Monday, October 18, 2004
Dental Drama
Mood:  suave
Today while I was in town I got a call from the kids' dentist. Abby is supposed to get her headgear installed on Wednesday and she's on "Pre-Op Med" alert at the dentist's office. When she was 5, the PA noticed several times in a row that she had a funny sound in her heart. Not really a murmur but a "click". After hearing it consistently she referred us on to a pediatric cardiologist. You wanna talk about scary. I'm a little neurotic anyway when it comes to actually being referred out of the cozy little doctor's office you're comfortable with and into the exam room of a specialist you know nothing of, only that he comes highly regarded in "your situation". Well, sure enough, she had a click alright. The aortic valve in the heart is supposed to have 3 little flaps that open when the blood is whooshing through, making it look somewhat like a peace symbol

(Pardon the crappy illlustrations, lol)

In Abby's case, two of the flaps were stuck together making it a "bi-cuspid" valve instead of "tri-cuspid" as it should've been. Like this:

So the diagnosis was that her heart was healthy, per se, just a little different. We told her she had a "special" heart and she was completely fine with that. In fact, she has used it several times in arguments with her brother, shouting "Yeah, well I've got a special heart and you don't!" The only thing we had to do regarding her condition was to make sure she had pre-op or pre-procedure antibiotics before any kind of "dirty" procedure, ie dental work, because she was at risk of Bacterial Endocarditis. Wow. All of the sudden I was aware that there was bacteria out to attack my daughter's special heart! I was pregnant at the time, so I was a little on edge, k? :-)

So a year later we took her back to the cardiologist and boom, we have a normal heart. It was spontaneously healed. An ultrasound of the heart laid it all right out there - it was completely normal. She was clearly disappointed at the knowlege, though. She wanted that "special heart", doggonit. But when we told her that God had healed her, well, that brought on more pride and uniqueness. The doctor wanted to go ahead and
keep her on pre-op meds for another 2 years when she would then see her again to re-check the valve. This hasn't been a big issue, we just inform the dentist and they write her a scrip for a bunch of amoxicillin and she has dental work then throws up the antibiotics later. It's grand fun, lemme tell ya.

Today, though, I get the call and they tell me that they might not even be able to fit her for her bands and install the headgear. Period. Holy crap, we're discovering this 2 days before we're scheduled to have it done???? But thankfully, the cardiologist gave her the all-clear and on Wednesday she will get her 1000mg of amoxicillin on the way to Tulsa, she will get her bands fit and walk out in a headgear, then she will undoubtedly throw up on the way home.

The Diva has spoken at 7:40 PM CDT
Sunday, October 17, 2004
I have no clue what to title this. I'm too tired to think.
Mood:  not sure
We were up late last night with the whole deer adventure. Actually at about 11:30 I was in bed, tired of waiting on husband to finish his deer-hanging. I think he came to bed well after midnight. Dummy. We actually slept till nearly 8 this morning, which is pretty late for us. I guess Sam, the only person in the family who gets up as early as I do, woke up earlier than that, but bless his heart, he got some books and read them in his room. What a kid.

Normally on his day off, husband won't drag his rear outta bed till at least 10. MUST BE NICE. Anyway, he got up when I did at 7:45. I was shocked. I said, "What in the world are YOU doing up now?" OOh friends and neighbors, he was all kinds of on fire, getting dressed and all that in a hurry. He stopped in the middle of his flurry and said, "Well, my gosh woman, I have to take the deer to the processor!" like I was the stupidest person to ever draw breath. See where the motivation lies? I won't get started. Grrrrr...

We went to Wyandotte for the 4x4 rally, scoring some really cool t-shirts for the 5 of us
and getting to see some awesome 4x4 action. We started out at the top of the hill and walked allllll the way down it to see some serious Jeep vertical climbing. Wow, those guys are crazy! It was virtually a completely vertical climb and they were going at it like they were on fire. Some had to wench it up, but they were still impressive. I guess we just missed getting to see a complete roll-over down the climb. Darn that luck. Sam was totally at home, sitting there watching and cheering absolutely mesmerized. Kady was tired and could've cared less about it. Abby was so not impressed it was pathetic. She was hot, she was dusty, it was loud, she was tired, she didn't want to walk up the hill, she wanted to sit down, she had a spider on her, she didn't like trees...OH MY GOSH she was a brat. But walk up that hill we did and she griped the entire time.

We drove out to the Tough Truck track (which they were still building when we got there) loading about 6 or 7 kids and about 8 adults into our truck cab and bed to drive clear into the deep, dark middle of BFE. I started out sitting on the side of the bed, but one big bump and I could envision myself being strapped to a backboard, dying not of injuries but of mortification, so I slid down into the bed, parking my butt right over a big ol' dried deer blood stain. Mmm hmm...these are good times. We watched some cool truck running today and saw a really good roll-over. The only bad thing about the roll-over was that his little boy was watching and it nearly freaked the kid out, bless his heart. Prime reason my kids will never see me drive derby. Anyway, we choked on some massive amounts of dust before it was all over, but man was it fun. I got to meet Dewayne, the owner of the Bunker and all things D-Day, and after we talked awhile he said, "Ohhh so you're the one that just drove in a demo derby not too long ago, right? Girl, I heard you did a damn good job and kicked some serious ass!" Ahh, my fans preceded me.

I saw my very first mud-run today, too. Talk about insanity at it's finest. An enormous pit full of mud and you voluntarily drive your 4WD through it. This is something I could get into. I want to do an ATV mud run and I guarantee you right here and now if they bring one to Miami again I WILL run our 4-wheeler in it. The kids enjoyed watching the mud runs and we got slung with mud more than once. Silly people watching, though...they all had mud on their backs because when the trucks would go by they'd all turn around. Man, not me! If I'm going to stand out here to watch a mud run, by golly I'm WATCHING the mud run! I have mud all over my front side, in my hair and had it on my face and glasses. Yeah, buddy. Kady got a big ol' glob smacked onto her forehead. She crinkled up her nose, looked at me and said, "Ooh Momma, me got mud on me fow-head! Get it AWF!!" Ahh, she has so much to learn. Abby of course squealed and ran. Sam wanted more, lol.

Upon hearing me relate this story, my friend Trishia told me that she was now officially concerned about me. She said, "Kristin, my friend...dirt? On your body? And you're okay with that? I remember a time when dirt was the enemy. What. Has. Happened. To. You. Girl?"

The Diva has spoken at 9:57 PM CDT
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Mm Mm Good!
Mood:  incredulous
It's 11pm.

Husbands #1 and #2 are outside in my barn.

What are they doing? So glad you asked.

Stringing up a dead deer. (As opposed to stringing up a live one which just gets messy.)

Did I mention they're stringing up a deer?? IN my barn?

Did I also mention how they came into posession of aforementioned deer?

No, I don't believe I did.

Glad you asked that one, too.

Here's the answer:

Roadkill Stew anyone?

The Diva has spoken at 11:08 PM CDT
Friday, October 15, 2004
Good-bye sucks
Mood:  blue
We had dinner with John and Tiff tonight because they are moving tomorrow. I've known it was coming but it's kind of blindsided me and I'm sadder than hell tonight. Fortunately I was pretty busy today running the Mom Taxi and my mind wasn't allowed to dwell on it, but it just really is weighing on me now. I'm tired, too, and that always makes things seem worse. I know, she's not moving to the end of the earth, just an hour and a half away, but it might as well be the other side of the world. It seems so far tonight.

Tiff is 10 1/2 years younger than me and if you'd told me a year ago that I'd be BFF (That is totally a JOKE between the two of us - please don't think I'm that big of a dork.) with a girl that much younger than me I'd have called you not only a liar, but a stinkin' liar. But boom, she waltzed into my life after church one Sunday and has now found herself a happy little home here. We share the same religious views (ugh, lonnnng story), have an eerie sense of ESP with each other, laugh at each other's stupid jokes and get the really obscure ones no one else gets and just generally feel comfortable with each other. She loves my kids unconditionally, even if they do drive her bonkers sometimes and I cannot WAIT till she has some of her own so I can load them up with sugar and caffeine and send them back to her. It's what friends do. She loves me so much she brought her dressed-up butt to the demolition derby, not even knowing what one WAS, to video it for me. She makes fun of me when I do stupid stuff to "lose all my coolness points" but not in a mean way, just a "oh girlfriend you are such a nerd" kind of way. She also reminds me that some of the words I use are on loan from the 80's and they would probably like them back - and soon. She's listened to me vent, rant and whine and I've done the same for her.

Good friends are hard to come by. I am so blessed to have a mom and sister who go far beyond the definition of friend and wouldn't trade them for anything, but ya know, I was born into their lives. Tiff took me on voluntarily, lol.

Tiff, when you read this - and you know you will because you secretly read my blog and you just won't admit it - I love you, sis, with all my heart and I thank God for you every day. Now, go make some babies, girl!!!! Aunt Kiki is just itchin' for more kids to spoil rotten!

The Diva has spoken at 11:01 PM CDT
Thursday, October 14, 2004
And now for the holidays
Mood:  party time!
Good heavens it's the middle of October and I have virtually every weekend from now till Christmas full. I'm not kidding!

This weekend: Abby's spending the night with a girlfriend and will be home on Saturday. Saturday Paul is going to The Bunker for the mud runs, trail runs, etc. Sunday we're all going to see Andy race his Tough Truck.
Next weekend: The kids are on Fall Break next Thursday and Friday. Friday is Cheerleading Camp for Abby then we're making up the postponed slumber party.
Last weekend in October: We'll go trick or treating on Saturday afternoon and I'm hoping to finagle an invitation to a grown-up Halloween party at one of the college recruiter's house, HINT HINT anyone who has a say in this... Then Sunday is Gentry's birthday party.
First weekend in November: I, alone, am going Christmas shopping for nearly 3 glorious days. All by myself, nothing but me, a motel room, lots of outlet malls and specialty stores and my Discover card. Oh and possibly some liquor. Ah, life is good.
The next weekend: We're going to have Sam's birthday slumber party a week early (because my whole family will be in Florida the weekend before Thanksgiving).
Weekend before Thanksgiving is actually free right now. Unbelievable. But this is only because my entire family will be spending Turkey Day with Mickey, Minnie and a herd of Disney Princesses.
Thanksgiving weekend: We'll probably end up at some of our dysfunctional extended family's houses at some point.
First weekend in December: Christmas parade which means that at least 2, if not 3, of my kids will be on various floats and what have ya.
2nd weekend in December:Saturday night is the HOOVER CHRISTMAS BASH. Yes, it's a rather big deal. Sunday we're going to Branson to Silver Dollar City to see the Christmas lights. All 10 of us: 2 vehicles, 5 children, 3 women, 2 men (who despise SDC) and lots of holiday cheer!
Weekend before Christmas: Kady's 3rd birthday.

Somewhere in there I have to decorate the house, hold Girl Scout meetings, run the Mom Taxi, wrap and hide presents, bake, cook, drink heavily...yep, that about covers it. Gotta love the holidays!

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 PM CDT
Mood:  caffeinated
I just had a cup of coffe - it's 10:30pm - and I'm rarin' to go. Whoo hoo, love this late-night, caffeine-fueled bloggin'.

LOL...I've been a little consumed with closets and winter clothes lately and the rest of the house has, well quite frankly, gone to crap. I have washed two large loads of bleach whites - socks, underwear, washcloths, etc. - and just haven't had the time to sit down and fold and/or pair them all. So one load has sat piled in the laundry basket for over a week. The kids don't even look in their drawers anymore, they go directly to the basket. Well, this morning I washed the second load. In order to have room in the basket for them I had to dump the first load onto my bed (which was made - at least you gotta gimme that) and then sat the basket on the bed. My hope was that I'd get a chance today to fold them while I watched a little TV or something. Nope. Nuh uh. Didn't happen. Just a few minutes ago Paul dumped the contents of the basket onto the bed as well, so pretty much the bed was covered in laundry. Being the lazy sot I am, I was just going to haul it all into the living room and pile it on the couch, but my darling husband has a better approach. He stuffed the entire two loads into one very small laundry basket, thus making what looks like a cupcake o' laundry. I heard him laugh while I was typing, turned around and did the ol' standard "BAH!" as I watched him slowly carry the laundry cupcake to the bay window. I bet those are the most wrinkled underwear ever. Good thing I've got a big butt and at least mine will be stretched out.

The Diva has spoken at 10:37 PM CDT

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