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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Variety is the spice of life
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Instead of "Daaaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDaddddddddddddddy!" now I'm getting a loud earful of "Momma! MommaMommaMommaMommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmma!"

No one can say that kid is a slave to routine. Go, baby...mix it up a little, what say?

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:28 PM CST
And it was going so well, too
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Things were so quiet, things were peaceful even. She hadn't cried for "Daaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddddddddddy!" not once since she got here. She was actually playing and was happy and we were having such a good day. Then I went to the washing machine for like 3 seconds then I hear a crash. Then crying. And now we're back to "Daaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddy!" again. And I figure since I have to hold her and listen to her scream now, I might as well try to type while I slowly go insane.

And to top it all off...the snow we're getting right now is the poorest excuse for snow I've ever seen in all my 31 years. It's not even white. It's like little morsels of slushiness falling from the sky and splattering all around. It's just damn depressing.

And my heart has been doing this little shuck and jive thing lately. I think it's just incredible amounts of stress, what do you think? The last time I experienced this, I was infertile and dealing with the fact that I could not bear children without the aid of drugs, was also diagnosed with precancerous cells of the cervix and had only been married a year and was slowly realizing that my husband was more redneck than I ever imagined. Man, that doctor slapped as prescription for Xanax on me so fast my head spun. Too bad that doctor is now doing cosmetic laser whatchamacallits and microdermabrasion and some other procedure where they run a big vibrating doohicky over your ass while you wear a stocking and it's supposed to magically whisk away the cellulite. He was really good at prescribing Xanax, too...

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:27 PM CST
sleep good
Must. Stop. Reading. Blogs. Must. Sleep.

It is 1:24 am, I am eating a piece of pumpkin pie, waiting for snow and reading blogs.

Life is soooooo good.

The Diva has spoken at 1:24 AM CST
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Just a few meandering thoughts....ramblings, if you will
Mood:  happy
*I have spent two days in my house without leaving - with my children.
*Yesterday I wore sweats and an incredibly corny Christmas sweatshirt. Today I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt. (Oklahoma weather - go figger)
*I have been able to straighten my hair two whole days in a row because the humidity is less than 70%.
*My husband took my son to karate and didn't even gripe or sigh when I asked.
*Husband bought condoms all by himself last night - my little man is growing up so fast! *tear* (Yeah, go ahead and put that in the ol' TMI file. I'll wait.)
*We watched the Grinch last night - not the crappy new one, but the original with Boris Karloff himself.
*I slept till nearly 8 this morning.
*I cried unashamedly yet again when I watched Annabelle's Wish.
*I have listened to nothing but Christmas music since last week.
*I don't think it is possible to get tired of Elton John's "Step Into Christmas".
*It is, however, possible to get realllllly tired of Wham's "Last Christmas".
*I have managed to unlock a whole bunch of groovy stuff on my brand spankin' new Sims: Bustin' Out.
*My family is home from Florida finally. I missed them.
*My house is relatively clean except for my bedroom. This distresses and disturbs me. Yet I'm strangely not compelled to do a thing about it.
*When the children get quiet it's always blessed respite. Until you get this nagging feeling that they are doing something very. very. bad.
*My feet are cold. Think it has something to do with the fact I am wearing shorts during the last week of NOVEMBER?
*Tonight the husband and I are going to string Christmas lights down our hallway, making "Christmas Tree Lane" (they named it that, we didn't) for our children for the second year in a row. You've never seen 3 happier kids than when that hallway lights up for the first time. Who knew 2 dozen nails and an extra string of Christmas lights could bring so much joy? Yep, it looks pretty damn trashy, but when the munchkins are that happy it really doesn't matter how trashy you look. Well...sorta.
*I hate making pie crusts. I really suck at it, too. I did,however, get a new recipe from a friend online, so we'll see how it turns out here in about 15 minutes when I commence to making pies.
*My sister is coming over to play Sims: Bustin' Out with me. I missed her when she was having T'giving with the Mouse. But still I will kick her ass in 2 player mode and she will succumb to the power of the almighty Queen of the Sims.

I think that's just about all the random thoughts I had wandering around alone in my head. At least for awhile. Wow, it's amazingly quiet in there now...my head, that is.

The Diva has spoken at 3:21 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, November 27, 2004 3:29 PM CST
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Mom blogged it - and we helped!
Mood:  lucky
I called the kids in here one by one and asked them what they are thankful for. With Sam and Kady I had to actually define the word "thankful", but they still found a lot of things once they understood what I meant.

Here's my conversation with Sam:
Me: Okay, bud, what are you thankful for?
Sam: What's fankful?
Me: THhhhhhankful means that you're glad for something. For instance, I'm thankful for mood altering drugs, liquor and cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies. (Just kidding, I didn't really say that last sentence, but I felt every word.)
Sam: Ohhhhhhh...ok,I get it.
Me: Okay, so now...what are you thankful for?
Sam: Hmmm....well you(meaning me), Daddy, Sissy, Kady, Jake (the dog), Maggy (the cat), and Grammy, Oklahoma, and I'm f - uh THHHHHHHHankful for helping people, I'm thankful for my school, I'm thankful for my room, I'm thankful for the Christmas tree, God, Jesus, Grandpa Winscott, hmmmmm...for Addison and Gentry, I'm thankful for my favorite books, okay....I'm thankful for my favorite TV shows, my birthday, my Gameboy Advance (Babs, I'm seeking that intervention!), for my bed, I'm thankful I helped Dad make a fire...(long thoughtful pause)... and for my favorite food (macaroni and cheese).

And it all came out just about as fast as you were able to read it through. Once that kid gets goin' he's a lot like me, lol.

So then I called Ab out here and asked her the same question:
Me: Okay, so Miss Abby, what are you thankful for?
Ab: (Loud, dramatic sigh) What am I thankful for? Like what are you even doing?
Me: Well, I thought you guys might want to contribute to my blog today.
Ab: Whatever. Okay, I'm thankful for turkey, turtles, cats, dogs, God, Jesus, scarecrows, Kady, Mom, Dad, ducks, Sam, Santa.
Me: Is that it?
Ab: Can I go play Playstation?

I'm not sure exactly why she's thankful for turtles. This one has me baffled.

And then it was Kady's turn. This one took a few tries because she had just gotten up from her nap and was royally cranky and whiny. But when I finally got her to cooperate this is what it sounded like:

Me: Okay, now can you tell me what you are thankful for?
KD: Mommmmmmma, Gwammmmmmmaw and Pepaw, Dada, Gwammy with the circle head... uhhh... you!
Me: You already said me, silly.
KD: Oh sowwy.
Me: It's okay. Now what else?
KD: Gwanny with the not circle head. Strawberry Shootcake, my woobies, my book, Mickey Mouse, Blue's Clues, umm, umm, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me thankful for Pooh Bear! Uhmmm...forrrrrrrr... Tittsany and John Wozell! Annnnnnd about my toys.
Me: That's very good! Are you done?
KD: Umm no. (Blank look on her face as if she was permanently marking me as an idiot.) Nowwww... what next? Oh yes, I forgot! My...my....my.....ummm, ummmm.....my pwincess shoes. I'm thankful for my pwincess shoes!
Me: What else?
KD: (She'd already turned her back and was busy with something else) Dat all.
Me: (Nothing, I was typing.)
KD: DID YOU HEAR ME??? I said DAT ALL.
Me: Duuuuude, little lady, I SO heard you!

So let me just take a moment to list a few things I'm thankful for:

* Did I already mention mood altering drugs, liquor, cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies?
* I'm thankful for my home and my family. My children are what keep me sane and living. Sometimes they are the only things keeping me that way. Without my mother and my sister I would not have the fabulous support system that I'm blessed with. They may be related to me and I may get frustrated with them from time to time, but they are my two dearest friends. My husband brings home a paycheck every other week and doesn't beat the crap out of me, so for that I'm thankful as well. (Yes, I'm still a tad bitter about the truck, just in case you're wondering.)
* I'm thankful for my computer and the 'net. Do I really need to go into this one? I mean, y'all blog - you're thankful for these things as well, right?
* My Indian card
* My van, even if it is kinda crappy and has over 100,000 miles on it and .... eh, you've heard this one before.
* My country. It's free. It has its faults, but it's better than some of the other choices out there.
* And most importantly, all kidding aside, I am thankful that God loves me and forgives me on a daily basis for all the rotten stuff I do and think. He's a loving, almighty and awesome God and I don't deserve His love, but wow - He gives it.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

The Diva has spoken at 3:30 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, November 25, 2004 3:32 PM CST
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I just gotta know...
Mood:  quizzical
...did anyone else watch Law and Order SVU last night? And did anyone else get so enraged at the stupid-ass ending that they jerked their cute, fluffy, favorite bunny slipper off their right foot and threw it directly at the screen, then jumped to their feet and screamed "WTF???"

Just wondering.

The Diva has spoken at 4:02 PM CST
Do you eat beans?
Mood:  hungry
I'm not sure if anyone else ever watched them besides my sister and I (and we were both insanely addicted to them even though we were 16 and 19 at the time), but the title line is from an episode of The Animaniacs. It was mall surveyors standing there with clipboards asking "Do you eat beans? Do you like George Wendt? Do you eat beans with George Wendt? Do you like movies? Would you like to see a new movie about George Wendt eating beans?" etc. through the whole bit and OH GOSH it was funny. To this day we will still from time to time spontaneously say at the same time "Do you eat beans?" Hey, it's funny to us.

Anyway, the whole bean reference is because I'm making a big ol' pot of brown beans and ham. I made cornbread this morning and if I can keep my paws out of the pan we'll have it with the beans tonight for dinner. Along with fried potatoes and onions...oh the drool. My only current day care mom, Jill, is taking home half of the beans. You know, it's just not possible to make a "few" beans. You just can't. You either make a big-ass stock pot full of 'em or you don't make 'em at all.

Jill is a 40-hour-a-week working Mom AND she's hosting T'giving dinner at her house tomorrow, so I decided I'd share the (farts) love and send her home with beans and cornbread for dinner tonight. She was so appreciative! And that makes me like giving beans and cornbread even more. And really, not just beans and cornbread. I just like giving period. Not necessarily money, because frankly, I never have any of that (as the not-so-friendly folks at Sears National Bank are going to find out when I finally answer my phone and I tell them that yes, I know I'm 2 months behind on my credit card payment and no, I don't rightly know when I'm going to have the money to pay them and yes, I realize that they can turn me over to collections and yes, it concerns me, but hey, my hands are kinda tied here folks. It's that whole blood out of a turnip thing.), but I just like giving. I'm not bragging, tooting my horn (oh but the beans...the beans will bring about much tooting) or anything like that - I just like to give. Nothing makes me happier than to know I've helped someone out, blessed them in some way and surprised to heck outta them by going out of my way. Like making dinner for someone then just dropping it by out of the blue. That one's a classic. And like me giving Chandler a bath on Jill's late nights because she gets him home at 8pm and that's nearly his bedtime and she should at least get to spend some non-stressed time with him while he's awake. That tickles her to death and it makes me deliriously happy to know I helped her out.

I don't do it because I need her to think I'm the all surpreme best babysitter ever, I do it because I'd like to think that one of these days if I'm in need someone's going to help me and because there have been times in my life that I have been in need and someone has helped me. It's a pay it back/pay it forward thing. I figure my karma needs all the help it can get, what with all the mouse-killing that occurs in my house these days. And don't forget the cute, fluffy kitten-killing that I'm quite sure I did at some point in a previous life.

The Diva has spoken at 3:58 PM CST
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Hey Sam Johnson!
Mood:  celebratory
Sam of The Real Sam Johnson Show just had some dental work done and is hoping he can at least get a good T'giving meal down. He also commented he hadn't, as of then, received an invitation to dinner, so Sam, my friend - I'm extending you an invitation to spend T'giving with my ultra cool, highly dysfunctional family! Oh come on, you know you wanna! We eat, we play board games, Dad has a pool table, the kids run amuck through the house screaming at the tops of their lungs, we eat, I usually sit on the couch and fall asleep at some point, Dad takes it upon himself to fall back into the days of my youth where he feels compelled to practice take-down moves on any one of us - mainly me, though....ummm, let's see....yeah, that's pretty much it! Oh did I mention we eat? AND that I'm bringing homemade macaroni and cheese this year???

And if you can't make it on T'giving Day, buddy, there's always the Saturday after, when we're going to celebrate with my traitorous family members who are, as I type, in freaking Disney World. I'm not bitter. Nope. How could I be bitter sitting here in 45 degree rainy, dreary weather, cooped up with 3 (but it seems like oh so many more) really hyper, fighting, hateful children, listening to Christmas music and still harboring quite a bit of animosity towards the husband? I mean, how could I be bitter? Not when I know that 5 members of my family are in Florida right now, seeing the Mouse, the Princesses, freaking EEYORE, man...and Mom even said they were HOT yesterday. But for the Festival for the Traitors I am making the turkey, and I gotta say, they always turn out really good. I'll make homemade mac and cheese again, too. And in all likelihood, I'll made a pan of hot rolls using my MeeMaw's recipe. YUM!

So Sam, my friend...you take your pic of which day you'd like to attend, get your plane ticket and let me know so I can pick you up in my crappy-ass van because you KNOW I won't drive the new truck!

The Diva has spoken at 4:30 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, November 21, 2004 4:32 PM CST
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Where was I?
Mood:  quizzical
Courtesy of Lachlan, I decided to put this list up and test my memory a little.

Where were you on these historical dates?

1) ...John F. Kennedy was shot? (11/22/1963) My Mom was 11, Dad was 12.
2) ...Mt. St. Helen's blew? (5/18/1980) I was 7 and don't remember much about it. We talked about it a little at home, but it wasn't mentioned much at school. I mean, in first grade they tried to keep it pretty low key.
3) ...the Challenger exploded? (1/28/1986) I was in 7th grade math, Mr. Spencer's class. They wheeled a TV into our room and we watched the news play it over and over again. I remember the room being full of gasps when they told us and the silence as we watched it. It was my mom's birthday.
4)...the Berlin Wall Fell? (11/07/1989) Good heavens, I was a Junior in high school, you think I'd have been a little more up on what was going on around me then. I think I remember it being on the news that night, but it really didn't impact me the way I guess it should've.
5) ... the Gulf War began? (01/16/1991) I was a Senior in high school, it was right before my 18th birthday. I don't remember feeling scared, trepiditious or anything like that. I was filled with the patriotism of a teenager bordering on adulthood and I remember hearing God Bless the USA about 40 times a day.
6) ... OJ Simpson was chased in his White Bronco? (06/17/1994) I had been married a little over a year, was pregnant (although I'm not sure if I even knew yet) and don't remember the actual chase. I saw it on the 10 o'clock news later that night, but it was pretty much a big bleh for me.
7) ... the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed? (04/19/1995) Being an Okie, this is one I remember all too well. They pre-empted Regis and Kathie Lee and I was pissed off when I saw the news breaking in. Then the shock hit like a lead weight swinging in from nowhere. I was running a home daycare at the time, had a house full of kids and sat with little Audra (who is now 12) in my lap and cried like a baby. I finally sent her back to play because I was freaking her out with all the tears. I called my mother at work, crying, and spent the rest of her work day calling her to give her updates. That was a very grim time for me. We had just lost our first baby 6 months prior and to hear about all those children....it was bad.
8)...Princess Di was killed? (08/31/1997) I haven't a clue. I had a 10 month old baby and if memory serves me correctly I had just undergone surgery to remove a kidney stone. Princess Di was wayyyy down on the list for me.
9) ... terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center? (09/11/2001) I was pregnant with Kady and was sick with pharyngitis, otitis and sinusitis. (It was the -itis trifecta) I was in the recliner, curled up in a blanket, feeling pretty sorry for myself. The kids were watching Blue's Clues. My mother called me and told that something bad had happened in NYC and to turn on the news. Then my sister called me when the second plane hit. Ab was 5 and the first thing she said when she saw NYC on TV was "Oh no! Momma! That's where Benn is!" My cousin lives there and she knew that. She was terrified. I spent the next 3 days glued to the TV, crying and neglecting my children until one morning my phone rang at 7, my mom was on the other end telling me to turn off the damn TV, go take a shower and take my kids and myself somewhere away from any news for the day. Best advice she could've given me. I was obsessing.
10) ... the space shuttle Columbia disintegrated during re-entry over Texas? (02/01/2003) I was here at home and they broke in on my TV show to say that it had happened. I don't remember much about it other than that.

Anyone noticed I watch an awful lot of TV?

The Diva has spoken at 10:11 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, November 20, 2004 10:15 PM CST
Happy Birthday Sammy!
Mood:  celebratory
Today is Sam's 6th birthday!

This is what Sam has done all day:


The guy ended up with $160 in birthday money and spent every penny on a Gameboy Advance and 3 games. But hey, it's what he wanted. I can already tell that we are going to have to put a limit on the play time because that's all he wants to do. My nephew, Gentry, got one a few weeks ago and has the same addiction. Gent even gave up going to see The Incredibles in order to play an extra 30 minutes of his GBA. Do they have meetings for things like this? "Hi, I'm Gentry (chorus of Hi Gentry's) and I'm addicted to Game Boy."

The Diva has spoken at 4:16 PM CST
Clarification
Mood:  don't ask
Okay, friend Sychotic asked a question that deserves to be answered: "Did you both discuss this or did he just come home with the new truck?"

Well, funny thing about dear husband...he doesn't give a rip about what I think. My opinions don't count. ESPECIALLY when his mother's been brought into the picture. Now, don't get me wrong, I love his mom and she's a great woman, has done a lot for us, etc. BUT my husband is the youngest of 3 boys and he is a definite momma's boy. If I can keep him from calling his mother we can actually discuss and decide things as a couple. But if mother in law is called in, it's all over, I am officially kicked out of the treehouse.

Wednesday when we finished our errands in town he asked me to drive out to the Chrysler dealership. He's been looking, wanting, drooling, but we really couldn't do anything till like March, at least. But ohhhh, my husband is a car salesman's dream and the man is probably a shitty poker player, too. He cannot keep his emotions and facial expressions in check. Hell, just his body language is enough to make a salesman start planning the kill. Anyway, the 05's are like $45,000 and I was absolutely furious to be even looking at them. Then the crafty, evil salesman tells him he's got a repo that was "just brought in yesterday" (as they always are. was probably only driven by a little ol' lady to and from church on sundays, too) and boy, it was a honey and a good price, etc. The sales guy had stopped even talking to me at this point because he was getting no response from me, whatsoever. Husband, however, had little red hearts shooting from his eyes. *retch* We ended up leaving the lot when I pried his fingers from the bumper of the pickup and told him we had to get home to get the kids off the bus.

All the way home I could hear the hamster wheel in his head a creakin' and turnin'. Sure enough...we walked in the door and he called his momma. She met him here at the house and they drove in together to look at the truck. All this, while I was getting things ready for his son's 6th birthday party. Yep...he was skipping out on the party to go look at a truck. Am I painting a picture of a selfish SOB right now? Good, I hope so. He was an hour late for the party. Thankfully, Sam was so busy and excited with the party itself he didn't notice. Which is good, yeah...but really sad that he's pretty used to his wishy-washy father.

The next morning we drove into the dealership, he and I, and we signed the papers. Now, I could've been a bitch deluxe and refused, but people...I have been married to this man for nearly 12 years. I know what it's like when he doesn't get his way. I frankly, don't like living with him when that happens because it makes my life and kids' lives living hell. I realize, this perpetuates the cycle, he's like a spoiled kid testing their parent. But what are you gonna do? I'm not going to live my life like that. Yes, I'm making it worse, yes I'm pretty much giving him permission to walk all over me, yes he's overextending us beyond belief, but I can't stand up to him. I just can't.

I am so whining right now, I realize this.

Is it wrong to want to shake your spouse until his teeth rattle?

The Diva has spoken at 10:46 AM CST
Have I told you lately...
...just how much I hate the truck?

The Diva has spoken at 10:00 AM CST
Thursday, November 18, 2004
So why am I not happy?
Mood:  irritated
The Hoovers got a new truck today.

Well, just new to us. It's an '04 Dodge Ram 4x4, diesel, quad-cab, hard bed cover, only has 5k miles, running boards, CD player, blah blah blah blah blah. I refuse to drive it. I don't want the truck. Am I being a baby? Yep. I freely admit it.

The truck we had (actually we still have it - anyone wanna buy a truck?) is a 98 Chevy 3/4 ton, 4x4, etc. Nice truck. Has served us well for 4 years. Nothing wrong with it - hasn't even rolled over 100k miles yet. The van I drive is a 98 Astro Van - it has a trick window that if you roll it down too far it gets tired and has to rest before you can roll it up all the way (handy in torrential downpours), the back doors don't open and haven't since June, it rolled over 100k miles when I was in Branson a few weeks ago, I drive it all over the country running the Mom Taxi and will put many many more on it before it's all said and done(but it at least has a kick-ass CD player/sound system in it for my many adventures - the better to hear hours upon hours of Veggie Tales and the blasted Shrek2 Party songs/karaoke CD). Has anyone gotten my point yet?

I NEED A NEW VAN MORE THAN MY HUSBAND NEEDED A NEW TRUCK. THIS IS NOT A HARD CONCEPT TO WRAP YOUR BRAIN AROUND, IS IT? THE WORSE-OFF OF THE TWO FAMILY VEHICLES SHOULD BE THE FIRST ONE REPLACED, AM I NOT CORRECT? AM I YELLING? YOU BETCH'UM, RED RYDER.

I am pouting.

I am fuming.

I refuse to drive the new truck.

I actually crossed my arms across my chest this afternoon, struck a "screw you buddy" pose and vehemently shook my head no in response to being asked if I wanted to drive the new truck.

How long will my strike last? Mmmmmdunno. It doesn't matter really. Even if I break down and drive the new truck I will never like it. Ever. Never. Nope. It ain't gonna happen.

Will I ever again speak to my husband about the truck without gritting my teeth? I seriously doubt that one.

He washed it twice today. I kicked the tires. And it wasn't because I was checking them. I was just kicking them because it felt good.

The Diva has spoken at 10:58 PM CST
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
A great big bloggy welcome to my little Mini-me!
Mood:  sharp
Okay, I realize there is only one post on there as of yet, but she will put forth more, I'm sure of it. You HAVE to go over to Tiff's site and give her a glorious welcome to the world of blogging! Tell her I sent ya! *wink*

Well, today was a long one. But then again, do I ever get on here and say "Wow, folks, today went so fast! I laid on the couch all day and ate bon bons and watched CMT and SpikeTV and there wasn't one moment of stress in my life today!" Nah, I don't. Trust me. You don't have to search the archives for that one.

I had a meeting with my Membership Coordinator liaison go-between chick from the Almighty Castle of All Things Girl Scout this morning at 10. I was supposed to meet her and another new leader-trainee. Turns out I actually knew the other girl, so that was a nice surprise. I had just sat down at the table when we were interrupted by Becky's, the other trainee, husband who had just seen her car in the parking lot and wanted to stop in and say hi and that he loved her. Oh. My. Gosh. Do men really do this? Is he really THAT enamored with her that he felt compelled to tell her he loved her and wasn't doing the ass rub paired with "baby I want sex tonight" routine? I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. Wow, that was some digression. Anyway, the training went well. I got some questions answered but at the same time my already overworked brain was suddenly brimming with ideas, quandries, questions and the like and I was on the verge of overload by the time we finished. I just wanted to curl up in my big chair with a cup of coffee and absorb the notebook and manual she sent home with me. I didn't get to. How surprising.

I drove straight home and picked up Paul, Kady and Chandler and we went to town. Of course, the first stop was McBleh's for Happy Meals and a (drum roll please) McRib! This is a happy time in the Diva's life. Those for a limited time McRib's are so divine. I could eat one every day and not get tired of them. And here's the best part - I ate the entire thing without getting one single drop of sauce on my sparkling white blouse. Yeah, Monkey will be so proud. (He posted about spilling coffee on white shirts last week, just in case you aren't a regular Monkey reader, in which case SHAME on you) After the kids finished their McHappy McMeals and got their McIncredible McToys, we drove out to McQuapaw McCasino (oops sorry was on a McRoll there)and Buffalo Run Casino for me to pick up employment applications. Yes, dear friends, family and fellow-bloggers, I am going to dabble into the world of the employed once more. It's only been 10 years. I'm terrified, just for the record. My HOPE is that I can work 10p-6a Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. That's my hope. I don't know if they'd give me that, but it's worth a shot. I can't work days, obviously, but graveyards on the weekends would be great. Send me happy thoughts, please? And if you have connections, that'd be helpful, too.

Then we stopped at the only gas station I know of around here where they actually pump your gas for you. I love that place. The guys that work there are some of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet and I go there for gas just so the place'll stay in business. They were lifesavers when the kids were little and I was too paranoid to leave them in the car long enough to walk into a convenience store to pay. Even when I locked it. Even if it was only like 2 steps into the store. I have gone there for 8 years now. Kudos to you, Speed A Way guys!

After that we got haircuts. Husband and I both. KD and Chandler had fallen asleep in the van by this point, so he and I tag teamed the walk-in haircut place. He went first. His cut was great. Then it was my turn. I had my first naggy little icky feeling when I said I'd like a haircut and the woman, who was sprawled allllll over the chair, rolled her eyes, sighed and said, "Oh great". That's customer service, lemme tell ya. So she proceded to cut my hair, telling me that it was surprisingly soft. I guess it didn't look soft? I'm not sure on that one. Then she asked who did my color. She sniffed when I said I did it. The second and much bigger naggy icky feeling came when she whirled my chair around so the woman in the chair next to me could see me and said, "Kelly, does her hair look even?" Holy shit. I let this woman use scissors on my hair??????? But, the haircut actually looks good, I got two compliments tonight and it feels better, so I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm going to find another walk-in hair cuttin' joint, though. Yes, I know it's so redneck of me to not actually have a regular stylist, but oh well. I'm a redneck. Duh.

There was so much more to this day, but frankly, people....the beer I just drank is starting to mix with the four ibuprofen I took awhile ago and I'm starting to feel like ... well, I'm not feeling much of anything right now. I think the bed is the safest place for me at this point.

I am such a dork. But this . . . this you already knew.

The Diva has spoken at 10:29 PM CST
Monday, November 15, 2004
Lumberjill
Mood:  energetic
Ooh yesterday I drove a tractor for the very first time! Let me just say it was rather anticlimactic seeing as how the stupid thing didn't go over like 3 miles an hour. OH. MY. GOSH. I always wondered why my grandpa was gone from dawn till dusk and was always so busy and behind schedule. Well, now I know. It's because he drove a TRACTOR!! Good heavens, I like the simple country life I'm livin' and all, but for goodness sake, give me something that actually moves, please. I kept shouting over my shoulder at husband, "Can I make it go faster? Can you PUSH it or something?? Good God in heaven, I am going to fall asleep here!" I like the four-wheeler much better. I can get 'er goin' up to like a whole 27 mph and feel the wind in my hair and do donuts and peel out and stuff. It's very empowering. But as I drove the tractor the only thing I felt was sleepy and logey. A ladybug even lit on me. Actually a better way to put it is that the ladybug had time to fly around my head like 4 times before it decided to land on me and then could actually walk all over me at her leisure. If I'd been on the 4-wheeler she'd have been wing-less in about 1.3 seconds. Yeah, baby.

We spent all afternoon cutting, loading and stacking wood yesterday. It was really a very nice day. Paul has been working a really crappy schedule, lots of closing shifts, so the kids don't see him much. And I couldn't convince him to actually stay in and spend time with them, so we just went to where he was outside. I think it kinda pissed him off when he saw me walk outside in my wind pants, tennis shoes, hoodie and 'do rag, all fired up to haul wood like some city-girl who got lost in the country and was tired of playing video games and talking on her cell phone and thought wood-hauling might be kinda, ya know, fun. He shook his head and grumbled that he didn't need any help. "Oh I'm sorry, dear, did I ask?? That's right, big boy, now go play with the chainsaw, I'm going to take care of this woodpile. Oh and did I mention that the kids are going to help, too? What? Why are the veins all sticking out on my forehead like that?"

We really did have a good time and he was kinda fun once he realized we weren't leaving. The dog kept sniffing around the wood pile and I knew there was a critter of some sort in there, it was just a matter of getting down to where we'd scare it out. Sure enough, little fat grey mousie came running at me, fangs bared, snarling and squeaking. My life flashed before my very eyes. Okay, so really it just scurried under another log when I screamed loud enough to make husband shut off the chainsaw. The then kids got all excited and grabbed little logs and started whacking around on the wood pile, trying to drive it out. Much merry-making and jubilance was occuring and husband had no choice but to join in.

We wore the kids out and I decided to give them a break and took them on a 4-wheeler ride. I was kinda antsy after having to drive that tractor a few times. I needed speed! So we rode down the neighbors' and visited with them awhile. Our dog's been thieving things from their porch and carport so I wanted to kind of smooth things over there.

Poor Kady fell asleep in her PB&J last night at the table, so I woke her up and tried to get her moving again because she really needed a shower, but lo and behold I turned around once and she was asleep at my feet on the kitchen floor. They were all 3 pretty worn out and so was I.

They did earn some money yesterday for their efforts and get to take their earnings to the Book Fair at school tomorrow evening. They're pretty excited about that. If only they sold some racy, sensual, love stories at the book fair for the harried moms bringing in herds of children... Eh, no matter really. I didn't get paid for my work yesterday.

The Diva has spoken at 2:26 PM CST
Sunday, November 14, 2004
All aboard!
Mood:  special
This Friday was supposed to have been Sam's first "guy" slumber party. (My dad said that when it's guys it's not a slumber party, but a sleep over. I had no idea, lol) Anyway, Gentry was all cleared to come, but the other little boy ended up being out of town with a sick family member, so the party fizzled. Plus, due to schedules and such, the girls were going to have to be here as well. That was going to leave my niece, Addison, the only one of the cousins NOT at my house Friday night! How unfair! So I talked to Sam about it, explained everything and we decided that he should just have a "cousin slumber party" instead. What a sweet kid. So to make up for the poo that lead to a fizzled out party, I decided to surprise the kids by taking them to see The Polar Express.

I had dinner ready when they got home from school on Friday and then whisked them all off to karate after that. Keep in mind karate is 25 minutes to the north of our house. The theatre is 25 minutes to the south. There was some serious driving in the mom taxi that night! I managed to keep the whole thing a surprise until we got to the city limits of Grove. Oh the jubilant screaming and rejoicing! Kady has seen 3 movies in the theatre and does pretty well, but it depends on her mood. I made sure she had a good nap that afternoon and also made sure I had plenty of money for snacks, lol. Bribery works so well with that child.

The line was out the door when we got there. For me this was no big deal, I'm pretty patient. Husband, however, is not. He immediately sighed and started complaining. I was talking through clenched teeth out the side of my mouth saying "For the love of God, darling, if you start this shit I will murder you right here and scream self-defense." He wasn't scared, but at least he shut up. So I forked out $32 for 5 child and 2 adult movie tickets. I knew what it was going to cost before I got there. Husband's jaw nearly hit the ground. He started with the "THIRTY TWO BUCKS FOR MOVIE TICKETS!?!?" and again I started with the clenched jaw threats. If he thought the tickets were pricey, he was going to have a stroke at the price of concessions. "Okay, here we go: I need 5 small Sierra Mists, one large Mountain Dew, a small popcorn, green Sour Straws, a Kit Kat and a box Junior Mints." The poor kid behind the counter was so sweet and even gave the boys cups so they could split the Junior Mints without much fighting. Pretty intuitive for a teenager, I thought. The bill there was $18.75. More sighing directly behind me. An evil thought was passed to him through my newly honed psychic bitching skills.

Gone are the days of husband and I sitting side-by-side in a movie theatre. At least when the kids are present. With a preschooler we have learned that you must sit at opposite ends of the row so that you can effectively keep her from wandering into the aisles and bugging the crap out of the other folks. So I walked into the row first, trailing 5 kids behind me. Husband closed off the parade and we then proceded to take off coats, keep cups full of liquid, not spill candy and all this while keeping low profiles because the previews had begun. The box of Junior Mints did end up getting spilled, but the tears were quickly quelled when Addison shared her Kit Kat with the boys. Somehow Paul ended up with Kady, HA! For once I didn't have the squirmy child with a razor-sharp tailbone wiggling all over my lap. Ah, sweet freedom.

The movie itself was absolutely magical! I was so drawn into it that I found myself gasping, sighing and yes, even crying. The story is so precious and timeless and I don't care what those stupid reviewers on Yahoo say, it's a good movie.

The highlight of the film was when Addison was so caught up in the story that she yelled out "GRAB THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT!" at the top of her lungs, threw her arms in the air and jumped out of her seat. The entire place was laughing at that. She was on the edge of her seat through the whole movie, wide-eyed and bouncing. She'd lean over and breathlessly ask, "What's going to happen next, Aunt Kiki?" and I'd have to rub her back to calm her down and say, "Don't know, sweetie, but we'll see soon!" When inside I wanted to yell "What's going to happen next??"

Husband wasn't all that impressed with it. But then again, the man hasn't believed in Santa Claus in like 35 years. What could I expect? He was still seething about the cost of it all. But in my opinion, it's like the MasterCard commercials - totally priceless. Those 5 kids were caught up in a magical story about Santa and Christmas and elves and presents for nearly 2 hours that night. So was I. It was so breath-taking to look down the row at those precious children looking up in fascination at the story unfolding before them. It made any stress I'd endured, any miles I'd put on my van, any money I'd spent totally fade away.

This year I figured was going to be a dicey year for Ab, being a big 8 year old and all. She hasn't really questioned Santa's existence, but still I figured her time was pretty limited. The movie took care of any doubts she might've had. She is still completely convinced. So am I.

The Diva has spoken at 9:37 PM CST
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Adventures in Babysitting
Mood:  sharp
Overheard this morning -

Kady: Hey, Channnnnnler, let's play Family!
Chandler: Okay, Kay-dee.
(The playing of Family commences)
Kady: Wachoo dooooing, Channnler?
Chandler: I'm making Floop Loops!
Kady: (exasperated) It's Troop Loops, Channnnler.
Chandler: NO! Floop Loops!
Kady: (Hands on hips now) Say. Troop. Loops. Say it!
Chandler: IT'S FLOOP LOOPS!!!!!!

***********************************

Overheard just a few minutes ago when it was eerily quiet in KD's room. I have a monitor in there and was hearing no sounds, so I knew something was up. -
(Scuffling noises, but muffled)
(I stepped into the room, no children. More muffled scuffles.)
(The closet doors were moving. Ah, I found the children.)
Kady: Channnler, me tooted.
Chandler: (giggle)
Kady: Channnnnnler, me said me tooted!
Chandler: I know, Kay-dee.
Kady: (sing-songing) Me tooted in the cllllllossssset!
Chandler: Kay-dee tooted in the cllllossssset!
Kady: Me smell it.
Chandler: Me too.

The Diva has spoken at 8:12 AM CST
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Looky what I got!
Mood:  special
I got a flip phone!



Hey, I realize that everyone and their dog and their pre-teen children now have flip phones, but I've been carrying around one of those damn free Nokias they give away with a new contract for 5 years now! It's about time I had something cool and not FREE! Yeah, let's spend some money, for cryin' out loud!

Anyway, I'm excited.

The Diva has spoken at 6:28 PM CST
Can you tell me how to get ... how to get to Sesame Street?
Mood:  quizzical
Does anyone remember the frustrated pianist on Sesame Street who was trying to write songs and they never turned out right and he'd get all flustered and yell "Oh I'll NEVer get it! Never!" then he'd bang his head on the piano keys?

This is what happens when you do that to your computer keyboard:

bv,.hjftgio;'[p/l.hbgtg

How anticlimactic eh? I was expecting more keys pressed considering the size of my forehead and the rate at which I was banging in on the keyboard. Hmmm... that kinda bites.

The Diva has spoken at 3:17 PM CST
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Mood:  loud
How do you tell if a cat is male or female? No, really, I wanna know. We have this cat...and we thought it was a girl. We named her Maggie. But "she" wiggles her tail constantly at things, obviously marking her territory. I thought only boy cats did this, but I also thought they actually sprayed when they did it. Nothing spraying from her behind, nope. Now, please don't think I have sexually molested or harassed my cat, but yesterday I held it down and tried to determine is those were indeed cat testicles or what sitting nestled under the tail of said feline. Well, it didn't go for that, as I'm sure you probably guessed. And I still don't know if this cat is male or female! ARGH

Do you ever get like all kinds of freaky, antsy, like you wanna jump outta your skin? I'm thinking I need mood-altering drugs or an exorcism at this point. I was so down this morning, not cranky, just blue. Then I went to absolutely exhuberant and even clog danced a little on the car port a few minutes ago. I haven't clog danced in a long time folks. And let me just say that smoking a cigarette while clogging can be hazardous to your health. Just so you know.

If it was cold, I'd swear it was going to snow right now. It just looks like winter out there. But it's just crisply autumn-y. Weird-ass Oklahoma weather.

The Diva has spoken at 3:01 PM CST

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