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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Thursday, December 9, 2004
No clever (or even unclever) title whatsoever
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Another busy, busy day. I left my house at 9:30 this morning and walked back through the door at 3:58, just minutes before Brownies started, which of course is held at my house. My dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and had been sitting there full of stinking dirty dishes for 2 days because I was out of dishwasher detergent and had been for 3 days. I also had another nearly complete load of dirty nasty dishes sitting in my sink. The dining room table had enough dropped food and crumbs under it to feed at least 3 homeless people. The bathroom was bordering on biohazard status. The living room had 4 gazillion toys scattered all over the floor. There were dirty towels piled in the hallway and I'm pretty sure there was a pair of dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, but they're strangely gone now, so I'm thinking my sister saved me from mortification by either throwing them away or hiding them somewhere. I wanted to cry when I watched 'Kenzie's mom walk down my hall toward that nasty bathroom. I'm sure her house is spotless.

But the Brownie meeting went fabulously! I loved sitting in the Brownie circle with those girls, talking about taking our Winter Survival Kits to the women's shelter and talking about our carolling expedition the week of Christmas and hey, 4 of the 5 girls sang their hearts out when we practiced. Mackie mouthed the words and I just KNOW that one of these days we will actually hear words come from that child's mouth! (She is so precious, Christy!) We made 10 Survival Kits, ate Double Stuff Oreos, and had a grand ol' time.

Sis and I spent the day in Joplin, agh. It was supposed to be a quick trip up there and back, but we spent over an hour at the Girl Scout Council office making copies, taking a tour of the place, registering my girls, getting a troop number, checking out patches, buying books and manuals, and just in general getting excited about Scouting. Then it was off to the mall to exchange a few things, pick up a few things. THEN off to the WM to pick up a few things. Notice how we spent the day "picking up a few things"? And we ran nearly everywhere we went. I feel like I run everywhere these days. Like Forrest Gump "I was run-ning".

Now I'm in my pj's, watching ER over my shoulder while I type, and patiently awaiting the arrival of 10 o'clock when it's over so I can go to bed. Oh the flannel-ness of those sheets!

Tomorrow KD and I are staying at home all day until it's time to take Sam to karate. She's going to "wash" her dishes, which is basically her standing in a chair, flinging bubbles all over the place, giggling like a loon and in turn, buying me about an hour of cleaning. Then she's going to write on the white-board, something she's been looking forward to all week. I'm going to turn her loose with the dry-erase markers and watch her go. It's gonna be a good day, I can tell. I love Fridays because it's just me and KD.

The Diva and the Princess. Yeah.

The Diva has spoken at 9:29 PM CST
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
The magic of Christmas
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: It's a good thing
My mom is the GREATEST MOTHER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!

Sunday when she, Sis and I got together here to watch The Five People You Meet in Heaven, we saw a commercial for The Polar Express Santa at Hallmark. For only $9.95 and the purchase of 3 Hallmark cards you, too, can own this exemplary specimen of Santa-dom. My mother is a card fanatic. I, however, am not. So I told her that if she needed to buy any cards I'd give her the $10 to pick me up a Santa. No big. I figured if she went up that way she'd let me know.

Tonight she called at 8 and asked if she could come out for a bit. After making sure things were okay (because it is a 20 minute drive out here after all) I awaited her arrival, wondering what in the world would prompt her to drive out here at 8:30 at night. Well, my enchiladas for one thing. I make some damn good beef enchiladas, ask Tiff. So when she got here I heated her up an enchilada and fixed her a glass of tea. She then asked if she could talk to Paul and I both for a little while and could he please turn down the TV. I thought "Oh holy night, what on earth is the matter, who's dying?" Instead of giving us bad news she told me to type Paul up a cover letter to have them pull his app at the college. PRAY, my bloggy friends, PRAY. That's all I'm gonna say on that for now.

Okay, so the job application cover letter drama over, we visited a while, she looked at my newly cleaned and rearranged bedroom and then said she was going home. She had brought in a Christmas present she had bought for Sam and wanted to show me and when she bent to, what I thought was, pick up the box she squealed (she's as freaked out by mice as I am - maybe moreso) and said "Oooh! What's that?" Well, in my house there really is no telling. So she bent back over again and then I heard a voice say "Remember, the magic of Christmas lies in your heart." and I squealed "YOU GOT ME THE POLAR EXPRESS SANTA!!!!!!!" and then started to cry.

I swear to you I could not help it. I was like a child on Christmas morning seeing THE present I wanted under the tree. I gave her the biggest hug I've given her in years. Why getting this particular Santa affected me this way I have no clue, but I really do like my Polar Express Santa. He's on my bed right now and there is no way in HELL I am letting my kids play with him. I have given up several of my Santas for the kids, but this one is a strictly "no touchy" Momma toy.

Man, I love Christmas.

The Diva has spoken at 10:16 PM CST
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Little C - you gotta check her out
Mood:  happy
Topic: All in the family
I'm telling you, Courtney's got this blogging thing down now! She's gonna be great. Check out what she wrote tonight about my son. You really gotta.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 PM CST
It's Tuesday. Yep, Tuesday. Alllllllll day it's been Tuesday
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
I accomplished SO much today! I wasn't sure how it would go because usually Mondays and Tuesdays I don't accomplish much because I've got the extra kid and well, she's one and a half and well, no one accomplishes much with a kid that age in their house. Except playing! But I knew I had things to do and I pressed on. I rearranged my entire bedroom and dusted it. Yes. I dusted my bedroom. I do that like twice a year. No kidding. I mean, I dust the living room like once a month (the kids will run amuck with the feather duster occasionally as well), but I never dust my bedroom. We live on a dirt road, what's the point of dusting. 20 minutes later it's covered in a layer of dust again. I gave up long ago. But out here in the bedroom, it was a much dusty place. It shines now, lemme tell ya. And between the orange scented Grabits and the orange scented Pledge it's rather citrus-y out here tonight. And spacious! Amazing how just moving your bed and night stands to the spot they were in before that you hated because you felt you had no room can make you feel like there's more space. Now to get the sheets (which are freshly laundered ) back on the bed and slip into their flannell-y softness...mmmm.

Today KD played School all day. Now, they play school a lot, but usually Ab's here to boss them all around. They do what Ab says because she's Ab and she says so. But today K took it upon herself to think up the story line and run with it. Of course, bossing Chandler around. I wonder where my girls get it.... Anyhoo, she came down the hall in her Larry and Bob t-shirt, purple wind pants, Tinker Bell opaque green plastic "heels", Little Bear backpack on her back and about 20 strands of Mardi Gras beads. Why I didn't snap a picture I'll never know. Then she tells me she wants me to be the teacher. Well, honestly I was busy and on a roll dusting and all so I told her that maybe Chandler should be the teacher until Ab got home and I'd just be the janitor lady and I'd clean some more. That seemed to satify her. Off she clack-clacked in her Tink shoes. Then she came back, flipping her wild curls back off her shoulders and waving her arms like the drama princess she is said "Me know! You can be the Cooker Lady!" And so thus began the legacy of the Cooker Lady. Cooker Lady, in Kady speak, is a Lunch Lady or Cafeteria Worker or Elementary School Food Service Technician. Or something like that. All day long I'd be visited in my bedroom by a nearly 3 year old, a 2 and a half year old and a 1 and a half year old and they'd greet me with a chorus of "Hi Cooker Lady!!!" And occasionally she'd come out and ask me "Hey Cooker Lady, when you gonna fix me some lunch, Cooker Lady?" And I'd adjust my hair net - which today was a red 'do rag - and say, "In just a bit, little girl. Right now I'm spreading the scent of orange throughout my bedroom." or some other janitorial-like comment. She'd look at me funny and say "You so weird, Cooker Lady."

The Diva has spoken at 10:44 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, December 7, 2004 10:45 PM CST
Monday, December 6, 2004
If you can ramble you can do anything
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rambling much
** "There's no place like home" was a pretty profound statement if you ask me.
** I look like a big fat plum in the sweats I'm wearing tonight. I hate these sweats, but man are they ever comfortable.
** My head still hurts, although now it's down do a dull, thudding throb.
** I worry that no one wants to talk on the phone to me anymore. I'm so desperate for adult conversation that when I actually get some, I grab onto that person for dear life and talk their poor ears off. I feel sorry for my friends who are trying to be nice, but I know that on the other end of the line they are doing the "blah blah blah" thing with their hand to their husband and rolling their eyes and wishing they'd never dialed that phone.
** It's very possible to be surrounded by people and be so lonely you want to cry.
** I really need to paint my toenails.
** The air in my house is so dry I fear we might all spontaneous ignite at some point.
** I think Spongebob Squarepants is just about the funniest cartoon around. I laugh out loud every time I watch it and I don't care if you think I'm a dork as I walk through my house going "I'm ready! I'm ready!"
** If Jimmy Buffet walked into my house right now and said "Drop your laundry, baby, I'm going to shag you rotten," (Although I highly doubt Jimmy Buffett would actually use the phrase "shag you rotten". Or "drop your laundry" either for that matter.) I'd drop said laundry and assume the position. With a smile on my face.
** I want a cigarette really badly. And a beer. And some chocolate.
** If I don't work on correcting my posture while I sit for hours on end at this computer I will end up all hunched over like my great-grandmother was. *shudder* *sits up straighter*
** I sometimes think about my high school boyfriend and thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him. Then there are times I wonder what it would be like if I had married him. Then I remember that he dumped me and never asked me to marry him anyway. Then there are other times I wonder if he's got more than $20 in his checkbook like I do and then I answer my own question by telling myself "Yes, dear, he probably has more money in his checkbook right now than you and your husband make in a year, you silly goose. He's in computers, you know and they don't have children and he doesn't ever think about you anymore" and that's when I really wanna pimp slap myself for being so hateful when I answer like that.
** Sometimes I think about my high school boyfriend and realize that because he dumped me I now have the three precious kids that drive me nuts sometimes but are so much a part of my soul and my being that I can't imagine life without making those many trips to Tulsa to the orthodontist, life without supplying them with a neverending supply of PB&J and seriously worrying about their nutritional status, I can't imagine never leaning down to kiss my son's adorable little boy head and breathing in his little boy smell and thinking that God probably bottled that one and uses it in heaven somewhere, and I can't imagine not being a Mom so unsure about my parenting skills that I lie awake at night sometimes crying and sobbing that I've royally screwed them up already and I can't imagine not dreaming about the great things they are going to do someday.
** Sometimes I think about that guy. But most of the time I'm too tired.

The Diva has spoken at 10:53 PM CST
A Great Big Bloggy Welcome to...
Mood:  happy
COUSIN COURTNEY!!

Courtney is the third person that blogs because they started reading mine. Talk about an ego trip. Hey, this is kinda like the five people you meet in heaven. This is the five people you lead into blogging. Christy, I'm waiting on you to start...you said you were going to!

Anyhoo, Courtney has posted one smallish entry, but I guarantee you that there is so much more to come. She's amazing and I cannot WAIT to see what she puts forth. Check her out, say hey and tell her I sent ya and keep checking back!

The Diva has spoken at 7:58 PM CST
Oh the pain
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
Withdrawl from nicotine is a bitch.

Not just your average, run of the mill, everyday bitch either.

It's a raging, moaning, screaming, pulsating, angry throb in the middle of my head.

I'd rather cough and wheeze than feel the neverending compulsion to claw my face off with my toes, eat 40 pounds of chocolate at one sitting and gnaw ferociously on every pencil and inkpen in my house.

I'm doing this for my health?

Shit, I feel better already.

Last time I quit it wasn't this bad.

The Diva has spoken at 7:50 PM CST
I've been awful busy!
I made the blog a little more festive! Geez, like you hadn't noticed, eh? Anyway, hope y'all like it! If I had more knowledge of HTML I'd add pretty little diva-like graphics and such, but for now the preloaded templates with a few minor changes and tweaks per me will have to do.

I also created topics and will spend the evening putting everything in it's place. Like I have nothing better to do...

The Diva has spoken at 2:54 PM CST
Turd story
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I told Friend Monkey to come on over here and read a funny turd story since he posted about a "lone turd" in a rest area's bathroom floor. It must be lonely being a turd on the floor...

Okay, so this guy works for a casino around here. He was at work one night when someone came along and told him that it looked like there was a turd in the floor. Well, imagine. Really. So off they go, trooping to find the turd. Sure enough, right in the middle of the casino floor is a pile of human excrement! So he decided they should pull the security tapes to find who did this. A little old lady on a freaking Hoveround (sings Hoveround! like a Swiss Miss yodeller) was bobbin' along when suddenly she stops her motorized gizmo, shifts her arse off of the seat, lifts her skirt and dumps a load on the casino floor. Then, like nothing happened, flipped down her skirt, scooted back onto the seat and motored off again.

Is that not the most HILARIOUS thing you've ever heard? Okay, well not for me either, but it was still pretty durn funny. We were laughing so hard I had a coughing fit. I nearly slid off the couch and none of us could speak we were all laughing so hard! Can you fathom ever doing that yourself? Okay, Monkey, really that was just a rhetorical question.

I think about it occasionally and get the giggles again, like a freaking 6 year old who laughs hysterically at the mere mention of "poop". I honestly can't imagine. How did she do this with no one witnessing it? Surely the place wasn't empty! And you know she wasn't wearing underwear if she was able to do it like that... *shudder* Agh and the biggest question WHY?????? It's not like it was a case of the diarrhea and she couldn't make it in time. This was actually piled poo.

I just can't fathom it...

What a great place to live. I can see the new signs at the turnpike gate: Miami - Poopy Casino Capitol of Oklahoma

The Diva has spoken at 12:33 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Kids are funny things
Topic: Mommy Moment
Either they are bickering at each other nonstop, threatening physical abuse or worse, death. They yell "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" and "SHE'S BREATHING MY AIR!" and the like. They touch each other just so they can hear their sibling scream "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" They swear they hate each other and that they wish they'd never had a brother/sister. They are noisy while they are doing all of this and I find myself counting to five. A lot. Slowly. Over. and. over.

Then other times they play together so well, squealing and screaming and giggling those adorable belly laughs that no adult is capable of. They share, for the love of God - they SHARE. They are loving and caring to each other and so protective of each other that I'd rather encounter a cranky badger with the DT's in a dark alley on a full moon than mess with the sibling they are protecting. I hear on the monitor (Yes, she's almost 3 and yes I still have a monitor in her room - so what?) things like "Sissy, you da best. Me loves you." and "God is cool for giving you to us, cuz you know Mom and Dad weren't planning on you." and "Sissy, can I marry you when I grow up?" and other sweet, precious things like that.

Being a mom is so cool.

The Diva has spoken at 5:03 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Topic: Things in life that suck
My son has taken to yelling "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" rather loudly and obnoxiously like a sports announcer regaling the latest monster truck rally. He got up this morning and asked "Momma, what day is it?" I replied that it was Sunday and then it was all day long "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" I don't know where the kid gets it.

I attended church today. I know, big shocker. Oh hush, y'all. It's only been a few months, lol. Anyway, I attended a church that I attended when Ab was just barely a year old. We were going there when Sam was born. Then we drifted out of attendance, like we've done so many times before. I say "we", but it's always pretty much been me. Paul would attend occasionally, but never regularly. Hey I can't make him. This church is the other church that we shared a cabin with at camp this summer. I've known their youth minister since he was like 15 and he and my sister were inseparable. I've known a lot of the members since I was an infant. Some have known my mother and grandfather forever. It's like that all over town, though, small town, etc. But this church has always held a special place in my heart and why I left I'm not sure. I was obviously supposed to be somewhere else. But last Tuesday I really felt God was pressing on my heart to go back there. I, being the questioning, argumentative person I am, asked Him exactly why I should go back, it'd been so long, did He have a reason . . . Oh I was coming up with some doozies. I'd try to dismiss it, but still the urging was there. I was perplexed but decided that indeed I would go. One of these days.

Then Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, my cousin Courtney called to tell me that the pastor at this church and his family had been in a car wreck and all but the wife had been killed. How horrific. The day before Thanksgiving and this woman's entire family is gone. The day before Thanksgiving and a church is left without a pastor. The day before Thanksgiving and countless people all over town were left minus three very special friends. But I also had to keep in mind that the day before Thanksgiving, Heaven welcomed home three of it's own. What a joyous thought, but at the same time what a sad, sad thought. It's hard to rejoice as a Christian that they are now in heaven with Christ, when all you want to do as a human is scream out "WHY??? This isn't FAIR!!"

The Saturday after it happened I mentioned to Heather the fact that I felt God was telling me to go there and had been before the accident even happened. I asked her if she could tell me why God would want me at a church going through so much turmoil? Why would God want me to just drop back into this church's congregation when they were in such a time of need and hurt? My precious little sister, just said "Kristin, have you ever stopped to think that God wants you there. Period. If He is telling you to go there, He has a reason and it's not your place to question it. Just go." Of course I stammered out that I had no talents, nothing to offer, no words of wisdom and she simply said, "You do have talents and have you ever thought that maybe you being there might just be the encouragement someone needs?"

I answered the call this morning and attended Sunday School and morning worship. What an amazing church. What a tremendous outpouring of love and fellowship and brotherhood exists there. They are an amazing church, an amazing group of Christians and I was honored to be there today. If you pray, please lift up this church and this woman who lost so much. If you don't, send them good thoughts.

Now back to the monster trucks...up next the mega thunder truck, "God's Power", will smash over a 50 foot tall tower of fear, frustration, anxiety, turmoil and sadness. You can't miss it!!!

The Diva has spoken at 4:33 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:33 PM CST
Saturday, December 4, 2004
Bedtime story
Mood:  cool
Topic: Writer's block banished!
I thought I'd share my latest story with y'all. I am a member over at Fizzle & Pop and we have these story contests that are mucho fun-o. Check out the link to the left also - we used to write about a town called Mystic Springs, but it got kinda confusing so we kinda gave up, lol. Anyway in these contests you are given a list of words and you must include those words in your story. Sometimes the rules change from round to round, like this round your story had to be 666 words exactly. Yeah, creepy, I know. Anyway, I missed the last two rounds because I was so busy, but I managed to slip a story in like 30 minutes before the deadline last night. Here it is in it's entirety. The highlighted words are the ones we had to use. Also, if you'd like to read any of my other ones, let me know. If enough are interested I'll post 'em.

**********************
She was mumbling to herself, twisting her thumb ring around and round and staring off at some unknown spot on the floor in front of her. She had shut the door to her office and prayed no one would wander in any time soon. Normally her door stayed open so when it was shut her coworkers usually knew it was for a good reason. It would be so typical if some idiot barged in today of all days, she had mused earlier. She sighed heavily and mumbled, her voice becoming quieter and quieter with each unintelligible word. She was perched on the edge of her desk chair and her legs were shaking from holding herself in place, trying not to cause her chair to shift on its wheels. "Dammit", she said faintly, her eyes moving suddenly from their fixed spot on the carpet. She was about short circuit and she knew it. She was dangerously close to it. Life got to her occasionally, and since she had discovered escaping, she was letting it get to her more and more. Her nerves were raw, her temper short and her emotional status was extremely fragile. But she had discovered the escape and it was far better than the infernal madness she endured daily. She settled back further into her chair, slipping her sweater off her shoulders as she kicked off her shoes as well. Slumping slightly into a more comfortable position she began twisting her ring again, her eyes losing focus, breath slowing and her legs losing tension and spreading far enough apart that it would've been enough to give a passerby a glance at what lay buried up beneath her gray wool skirt. She heard the telephone ringing somewhere off in the distance and although she didn't even bother to break her stare, she managed a mutinous glare at the noise that threatened her concentration. She closed her eyes, yearning for the escape to come. Deep breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth calmed her and she regained her focus and peacefulness once again. "Attention! Mahala Barger please report to Mr. Sheffield's office at your convenience." The words blared over the intercom fell on everyone's ears but her own. She was slipping away finally, drifting off to where the noises didn't matter and all she cared about was the quiet and the blessed noiselessness of it all. A grin slowly edged onto her lips and if one were to look close enough they would see her tongue tapping quickly against her top front teeth.

Her eyes always had a hard time adjusting to her suddenly opulent surroundings when she first entered the escape and she shielded them with her hands. Her bare toes dug into the cool grass and she shivered at the sensation it delivered to her body. Slowly she moved her hands away from her face, letting them drop to her sides as she stared in awe. She would never tire of the initial newness of each escape. She sighed heavily again, but this time it was one of contentedness and not of frustration. Tentatively she looked over her shoulder as if checking for someone behind her. No one had ever followed her and as far as she knew no one even knew of her newfound talent of escaping or of the escape itself. This was hers and she wasn't eager to share such a treasure.

Almost as if she sensed it before it happened, her smile suddenly faded and as the graphite colored paperweight connected with her skull she fell onto the ground, landing hard on her right side. Her eyes were unfocused once more, staring far off at some unknown point. She heard a cold voice cackle then say, "This is my escape, bitch. If you use it, I can't. Now you won't be able to anymore." She tried to move, knowing a fatal blow was coming, but all she could do was slow her breathing once more and escape.
******************

The Diva has spoken at 10:39 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:31 PM CST
One Voice
Topic: Rambling much
Well, my voice is back, but for who knows how long. It's kinda of been here in and out all day, but I've been able to speak for about 7 hours now. It's pretty scratchy, though, and when I talk a lot it starts to fade. Why, I haven't a clue. Dad said he really didn't think the makeup allergy had anything to do with the voice losing, but he also said stranger things had happened. Both can be due to histamine reactions, so they could be linked.

*sigh*

We went to the Christmas parade in town. Jim, my surrogate father of sorts, told me I was going to be one really cranky old lady. I dubbed myself the official "Parade Bitch". No one actually thought I'd do anything about the people standing in front of the children and the old folks sitting in their cars, but enough was enough finally. I made my kids stand on the curb where you are SUPPOSED to stand - not out in the middle of the freaking STREET. So of course, my kids couldn't see. Plus there was a carload of elderly folks sitting there helpless not able to see anything because the crowd that had edged out into the street had also edged over in front of them. Finally I had HAD it. I walked straight up to a crowd of people and kindly asked them to move so the folks in their car and all the short CHILDREN (who are more excited about the parade than the adults, ya know?) could see. I had to do it several times and I got some nasty looks, but geez. I even told Jim I was going to write a letter to the editor, too. He really laughed. That was when he told me I was going to stress myself into a heart attack before 50 and I was going to be a really cranky old person. Heh. Oh well. My kids were there for the parade, I personally couldn't care less about a parade. I go because my kids love it and I like watching them light up. If I can't see, good grief, I'm not going to lose sleep. But if they can't see, you can bet the mother bear in me is coming out of hibernation. Why is it that after about 10 floats go by the crowd is suddenly in the middle of the freaking ROAD???? No kidding! I looked down the street at one point and I guarantee you that my family was standing a good 6 feet behind the rest of the crowd. We were standing on the sidewalk. They were in the street. Bands were walking on toes, dudes dressed up as Cherry Limeades from the Sonic were tripping over people, horses were nearly trampling children, but did the crowd take the hint? Good heavens, no they might miss something.

We ended up moving from our original spot. I stood there about the crawl out of my skin for as long as I could. I know I'm going to sound like the world's biggest snob when I say this, but I'm really not. I hope you understand what I say. All around us were mullet-wearing, acid-washed jeans-wearing, greasy headed rednecks screaming at their kids between puffs on their cigarettes, WHICH they were smoking right in the middle of a crowd of people. (Don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with smoking, have been known to do it myself on occasion, but I also know where it is appropriate) I watched in horror as a mom squatted down to adjust her son's sock hat and blew smoke in his face. I also watched that same child sit on the curb and play in the mud and his mom screamed at him over and over and over and over (LOgan! Logan! Get OUT OF THAT MUD! Logan are you in the mud again?! Boy, get OUT of that mud. Logan don't make me come over there and get you, Logan!)and finally I was just about to say "Ya wanna lemme have a go at him? I bet if I bust him on the rear he'll quit that ya know." Agh! The chairman of Rednecks International was selling light-up fiber optic pacifers and baby bottles you could hang around your neck. "Complete with break-away necklace for your child's safety!" I heard the vendor say. The folks around me were swarming for 'em. And not just the kids. Sam turned around I know to ask for one and he opened his mouth and I raised one eyebrow at him and he said "I guess I won't ask for one, huh?" I finally could take no more. I turned to Paul, nodded for him to bend down where I could speak into his ear without making the crowd around me aware I was having a panic attack because of them and I said, "Husband, I am standing in the middle of my worst nightmare right now. It's a freaking redneck convention and I forgot my membership card. If you don't get me away from here right now I will scream. And quite loudly." He looked at me and said, "Hmh, well I think we should move then." And I know that when he turned to lead us to a new standing place he was rolling his eyes and smirking, but frankly all I cared about was moving far far away from the spot I had been in. At that particular moment he was my hero, my savior, he was the freaking BOMB. But later that changed and he was back to being the redneck I married. But at least he didn't have a freaking light-up pacifier around his neck NOR did he even attempt to buy them for our children. I gotta give him credit there.

The Diva has spoken at 10:28 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:31 PM CST
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Things in life that suck
Okay, so my BFF introduced me to this new makeup right before she left to move far, far away to her own personal hell. It's Maybelline's new Dream Matte Mousse and I must say that is is honestly the BEST makeup I've ever worn. The coverage is amazing and my skin looked great. For awhile anyway. I loved this makeup so much that I told my sister about it, (she went out and promptly bought it as well) raving about the coverage and how great it felt on my skin and I had to touch-up far less during the day, blah blah blah. Maybelline could've freaking HIRED me to talk about their amazing makeup. But I don't think they'd hire me now because I'm ALLERGIC to it!

After wearing it for quite awhile I noticed that my eyes were unusually red all around, especially on the eyelid. They'd get puffy and eventually peel (yuck, I know it's gross, sorry), but after speaking with my father, who is an RN, he assured me it was like a hayfever type allergy to something in my environment. I kept on wearing my amazing new makeup. Then one night down at Sis' I went without makeup because my eyes were particularly itchy and peely that day. Sis commented that her eyes had started doing that too. Well, why we didn't put it all together then is a mystery to me. Well, my eyes got worse, so did hers. Hers eventually has spread down to around her mouth as well. I finally got wise and took a week off of wearing it. Not really because I thought I was allergic to it - I was running low and wanted to make sure I had enough to get me through the holidays. I'm such a dingbat. So for an entire week I wore a different foundation. My eyes healed completely. No more red, itchy, swollen, peely eyes.

But I'm a moron. I freely admit it. Thursday night was the kids' Christmas program and well, I always try to make myself look downright purty when I'm going to be around the other parents at school functions. So I dragged out the Dream Matte Mousse and fatefully smeared it allllllll over my face, eyelids included. Man, was I hot that night, lol. My makeup looked great, my hair was great (not in the least does my hair pertain to this story, I'm just bragging) and all was right with the world. When I got ready for bed that night I made sure I took it off really well, washed and rinsed, patted extra moisturizer all over and went to bed.

I woke up Friday morning looking like an abused wife. My right eye was completely swollen shut! I spent 30 minutes on the couch with a cold washcloth on it trying to at least get it open. By the time I left for Santa's workshop it was half open, but looked AWFUL still yet. Courtney took one look at me, sighed and said, "Well, looks like Paul had to tell you twice." LOL, that was really funny to me. Anyway, I was self conscious of it all durn day and it itched like a MF'er. By day's end it had started turning purple so then it really looked like I had been beat. Today it's swollen still and so red/purple it's just embarrassing. But the icing on the cake today is

I've lost my voice again.

The Diva has spoken at 4:34 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:30 PM CST
Thursday, December 2, 2004
Happy Ramachanakwanzmas - and don't forget Festivus!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rambling much
I led my very first "official" Brownie meeting tonight! Okay, so it was my daughter, my niece and two other girls and all we did was make hot cocoa mix, but it was our first OFFICIAL meeting! We said the Girl Scout Promise and sang our adorable little prayer (from the Disney cartoon "Johhny Appleseed" - it's cute and the girls can remember it easily), we talked about our Winter Survival Kits and made our hot cocoa mix. I made the girls wash their germy little kid hands before started, then we got on the subject of germs and what color they are and I guess it kinda freaked Riley out because that poor child washed her hands about 10 times before we finished. She wanted to wash them more, but I finally told her that she wasn't going to have any more skin on her hands and boy howdy, would that let the germs in. She quit.

We planned our Christmas Caroling spree and now I have to call one of the assisted living places around here to see if we can deliver our Survival Kits to some of their residents. We opted out on the nursing home simply because some of these girls are pretty little and we were afraid that some of the more serious cases at a nursing home might upset them a little. We're trying to teach compassion and love for our fellow man, but we also don't want to cause anxiety for the girls. It's a tough call to make - how much to expose them to and at what age and you also have to factor in the girls' maturity levels, etc. But the place I have in mind is a really nice place and all residents are ambulatory and the staff is just wonderful. I think it'll be a good thing.

I spent all day Wednesday at the school in Santa's workshop with Sis. Wow. I remember now exactly why I opted out on a teaching degree. How do those elementary school teachers DO it? They're obnoxious, they're hyper (especially this time of year), they're self-centered - and I am talking about the kids here. Of course, this could also apply to some of the teachers, too... Anyway, I really did have a good time, but considering I had to take my two preschool wards along for the day, the day wore pretty long. Chandler ended up falling asleep under one of the tables and of all days to forget my camera. It was precious. I took a bag of crayons, paper and little coloring books to occupy them and as an afterthought threw in a bag of pipe cleaners as well. If you ever want to entertain a 2, 3 and 5 year old for about 30 minutes, give them pipe cleaners. At first they just poked themselves with them and waved them around in the air threatening to poke each other. Then I made a giraffe. And a pig. And then the twisting and contorting of the pipe cleaners began. Well, in Santa's Workshop we don't have a Christmas tree - we have a Ficus. So the kids decorated the Ficus tree with pipe cleaners. Then Heather and I got bored so we started twisting some of them around pencils and made curly, spirally, twisty things to hang on the Ficus.

Courtney, The World's Best Kindergarten Teacher and also our cousin, brought in her class and while the kids shopped we talked. And she commented on the Ficus and it's clever decorations. Then it was like she and I shared a light bulb and we both said "FESTIVUS!! It's a Festivus Ficus!" If you don't know what Festivus is, shame on you, you Seinfeld hater you. So then our collective minds started plotting and planning and decided that our Cousin Party would be a Festivus Celebration.

***A little history here: When we were teenagers we got new cousins. Their names were Courtney and Benn. They were cool. I was about 17 or 18 when we got Courtney and Benn, (and a new aunt, but she's not involved in this story) Sis and Benn were 15, Courtney was 13 or so. Now this made us a happy little band of cousins. What made us even more close-knit was the fact that Courtney full-time and Benn sometimes, and our "old" cousin, Keith, sometimes lived next door to us. (Ah, don't you just love dysfunctionality? Is dysfunctionality a word?) I had a car. I was therefore the most popular cousin. I don't know how we did it, but we fit Sis, Keith, Benn, Courtney and myself into my 86 Cavalier and we would have "Cousinly Bonding" every weekend. Sometimes we could go to a park and hang out - the guys would play ball, we'd toss a frisbee around, or we'd read books and talk. Sometimes we got together at one house or the other and played board games. Once we got thirsty while we were driving all over town (back in the days when gas was like $1.02 a gallon) we scraped and dug until we got enough pennies to buy 5 Vess pops at a convenience store. We paid for them entirely in pennies. And they weren't rolled either. As we grew up, of course, we quit having our Cousinly Bondings, but we all remember them fondly.***

Well, this year we decided to have a Cousinly Bonding Revisited Party. Benn will be in from NYC and what better reason to have a party. Although, rumor has it he won't show. Annnnnnnyway, we're forging ahead with our plans, involving spouses this time. And liquor. And FESTIVUS! And we all have to hand-make a gift and we'll exchange them at the party. I cannot wait to see what everyone brings. Rest assured the entire celebration will be blog-worthy. Now to get a Ficus in my house by then...

I had another one of my tornado dreams last night. I've had them since I was a child. Dream analysts say that tornadoes in dreams represent turmoil in ones life. I have had turmoil in my life for as long as I can remember then. Honestly, some of my first dreams that I can remember have had tornadoes in them. Here's the weird part - I am never scared in them. And no one is hurt. I see the tornado(s) coming at us, I know they are going to devastate our surroundings, but I am amazingly calm and my role in the dream is to gather and organize and make sure everyone is safe. Usually there is more than just one tornado coming at me/us and they're always really big and I can see how they are ripping things apart in their path. But we are never hurt. I've had one of these dreams that was scary and only one. It involved my children and I don't like to think about that particular one. And another weird thing - the last few I've had have taken place in the same area. Not necessarily the same house, but the community and surrounding area is the same. I could draw you a picture right now (with the help of a police sketch artist because I can't draw, lol) the details are so vivid in my mind. I don't ever remember actually visiting this place in my life, but it feels familiar and "home". I dunno. Wanna know what brought on last night's tornado dream? Nick and Jessica's Christmas Special. Damn you, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

This elf has signed on for another day in the Workshop tomorrow. Blessed be, though - I don't have Chandler tomorrow. Oh I love the kid and all, but this was his mom's early week at work and my alarm went off at 5:30 every day. Well, except for today. I woke up today when the dog barked when they drove up. Oops. Tomorrow I don't have to get up till 6:45! 6:45 people! I'll be so damn rested I won't know how to handle myself.

Agh, I really have to go now...husband has turned off the TV and is sitting in his recliner pouting that the computer is bothering him. Big baby.

The Diva has spoken at 11:16 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:29 PM CST
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Variety is the spice of life
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Instead of "Daaaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDaddddddddddddddy!" now I'm getting a loud earful of "Momma! MommaMommaMommaMommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmma!"

No one can say that kid is a slave to routine. Go, baby...mix it up a little, what say?

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:28 PM CST
And it was going so well, too
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Things were so quiet, things were peaceful even. She hadn't cried for "Daaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddddddddddy!" not once since she got here. She was actually playing and was happy and we were having such a good day. Then I went to the washing machine for like 3 seconds then I hear a crash. Then crying. And now we're back to "Daaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddy!" again. And I figure since I have to hold her and listen to her scream now, I might as well try to type while I slowly go insane.

And to top it all off...the snow we're getting right now is the poorest excuse for snow I've ever seen in all my 31 years. It's not even white. It's like little morsels of slushiness falling from the sky and splattering all around. It's just damn depressing.

And my heart has been doing this little shuck and jive thing lately. I think it's just incredible amounts of stress, what do you think? The last time I experienced this, I was infertile and dealing with the fact that I could not bear children without the aid of drugs, was also diagnosed with precancerous cells of the cervix and had only been married a year and was slowly realizing that my husband was more redneck than I ever imagined. Man, that doctor slapped as prescription for Xanax on me so fast my head spun. Too bad that doctor is now doing cosmetic laser whatchamacallits and microdermabrasion and some other procedure where they run a big vibrating doohicky over your ass while you wear a stocking and it's supposed to magically whisk away the cellulite. He was really good at prescribing Xanax, too...

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:27 PM CST
sleep good
Must. Stop. Reading. Blogs. Must. Sleep.

It is 1:24 am, I am eating a piece of pumpkin pie, waiting for snow and reading blogs.

Life is soooooo good.

The Diva has spoken at 1:24 AM CST
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Just a few meandering thoughts....ramblings, if you will
Mood:  happy
*I have spent two days in my house without leaving - with my children.
*Yesterday I wore sweats and an incredibly corny Christmas sweatshirt. Today I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt. (Oklahoma weather - go figger)
*I have been able to straighten my hair two whole days in a row because the humidity is less than 70%.
*My husband took my son to karate and didn't even gripe or sigh when I asked.
*Husband bought condoms all by himself last night - my little man is growing up so fast! *tear* (Yeah, go ahead and put that in the ol' TMI file. I'll wait.)
*We watched the Grinch last night - not the crappy new one, but the original with Boris Karloff himself.
*I slept till nearly 8 this morning.
*I cried unashamedly yet again when I watched Annabelle's Wish.
*I have listened to nothing but Christmas music since last week.
*I don't think it is possible to get tired of Elton John's "Step Into Christmas".
*It is, however, possible to get realllllly tired of Wham's "Last Christmas".
*I have managed to unlock a whole bunch of groovy stuff on my brand spankin' new Sims: Bustin' Out.
*My family is home from Florida finally. I missed them.
*My house is relatively clean except for my bedroom. This distresses and disturbs me. Yet I'm strangely not compelled to do a thing about it.
*When the children get quiet it's always blessed respite. Until you get this nagging feeling that they are doing something very. very. bad.
*My feet are cold. Think it has something to do with the fact I am wearing shorts during the last week of NOVEMBER?
*Tonight the husband and I are going to string Christmas lights down our hallway, making "Christmas Tree Lane" (they named it that, we didn't) for our children for the second year in a row. You've never seen 3 happier kids than when that hallway lights up for the first time. Who knew 2 dozen nails and an extra string of Christmas lights could bring so much joy? Yep, it looks pretty damn trashy, but when the munchkins are that happy it really doesn't matter how trashy you look. Well...sorta.
*I hate making pie crusts. I really suck at it, too. I did,however, get a new recipe from a friend online, so we'll see how it turns out here in about 15 minutes when I commence to making pies.
*My sister is coming over to play Sims: Bustin' Out with me. I missed her when she was having T'giving with the Mouse. But still I will kick her ass in 2 player mode and she will succumb to the power of the almighty Queen of the Sims.

I think that's just about all the random thoughts I had wandering around alone in my head. At least for awhile. Wow, it's amazingly quiet in there now...my head, that is.

The Diva has spoken at 3:21 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, November 27, 2004 3:29 PM CST
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Mom blogged it - and we helped!
Mood:  lucky
I called the kids in here one by one and asked them what they are thankful for. With Sam and Kady I had to actually define the word "thankful", but they still found a lot of things once they understood what I meant.

Here's my conversation with Sam:
Me: Okay, bud, what are you thankful for?
Sam: What's fankful?
Me: THhhhhhankful means that you're glad for something. For instance, I'm thankful for mood altering drugs, liquor and cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies. (Just kidding, I didn't really say that last sentence, but I felt every word.)
Sam: Ohhhhhhh...ok,I get it.
Me: Okay, so now...what are you thankful for?
Sam: Hmmm....well you(meaning me), Daddy, Sissy, Kady, Jake (the dog), Maggy (the cat), and Grammy, Oklahoma, and I'm f - uh THHHHHHHHankful for helping people, I'm thankful for my school, I'm thankful for my room, I'm thankful for the Christmas tree, God, Jesus, Grandpa Winscott, hmmmmm...for Addison and Gentry, I'm thankful for my favorite books, okay....I'm thankful for my favorite TV shows, my birthday, my Gameboy Advance (Babs, I'm seeking that intervention!), for my bed, I'm thankful I helped Dad make a fire...(long thoughtful pause)... and for my favorite food (macaroni and cheese).

And it all came out just about as fast as you were able to read it through. Once that kid gets goin' he's a lot like me, lol.

So then I called Ab out here and asked her the same question:
Me: Okay, so Miss Abby, what are you thankful for?
Ab: (Loud, dramatic sigh) What am I thankful for? Like what are you even doing?
Me: Well, I thought you guys might want to contribute to my blog today.
Ab: Whatever. Okay, I'm thankful for turkey, turtles, cats, dogs, God, Jesus, scarecrows, Kady, Mom, Dad, ducks, Sam, Santa.
Me: Is that it?
Ab: Can I go play Playstation?

I'm not sure exactly why she's thankful for turtles. This one has me baffled.

And then it was Kady's turn. This one took a few tries because she had just gotten up from her nap and was royally cranky and whiny. But when I finally got her to cooperate this is what it sounded like:

Me: Okay, now can you tell me what you are thankful for?
KD: Mommmmmmma, Gwammmmmmmaw and Pepaw, Dada, Gwammy with the circle head... uhhh... you!
Me: You already said me, silly.
KD: Oh sowwy.
Me: It's okay. Now what else?
KD: Gwanny with the not circle head. Strawberry Shootcake, my woobies, my book, Mickey Mouse, Blue's Clues, umm, umm, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me thankful for Pooh Bear! Uhmmm...forrrrrrrr... Tittsany and John Wozell! Annnnnnd about my toys.
Me: That's very good! Are you done?
KD: Umm no. (Blank look on her face as if she was permanently marking me as an idiot.) Nowwww... what next? Oh yes, I forgot! My...my....my.....ummm, ummmm.....my pwincess shoes. I'm thankful for my pwincess shoes!
Me: What else?
KD: (She'd already turned her back and was busy with something else) Dat all.
Me: (Nothing, I was typing.)
KD: DID YOU HEAR ME??? I said DAT ALL.
Me: Duuuuude, little lady, I SO heard you!

So let me just take a moment to list a few things I'm thankful for:

* Did I already mention mood altering drugs, liquor, cigarettes and Oklahoma's liberal divorce policies?
* I'm thankful for my home and my family. My children are what keep me sane and living. Sometimes they are the only things keeping me that way. Without my mother and my sister I would not have the fabulous support system that I'm blessed with. They may be related to me and I may get frustrated with them from time to time, but they are my two dearest friends. My husband brings home a paycheck every other week and doesn't beat the crap out of me, so for that I'm thankful as well. (Yes, I'm still a tad bitter about the truck, just in case you're wondering.)
* I'm thankful for my computer and the 'net. Do I really need to go into this one? I mean, y'all blog - you're thankful for these things as well, right?
* My Indian card
* My van, even if it is kinda crappy and has over 100,000 miles on it and .... eh, you've heard this one before.
* My country. It's free. It has its faults, but it's better than some of the other choices out there.
* And most importantly, all kidding aside, I am thankful that God loves me and forgives me on a daily basis for all the rotten stuff I do and think. He's a loving, almighty and awesome God and I don't deserve His love, but wow - He gives it.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

The Diva has spoken at 3:30 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, November 25, 2004 3:32 PM CST

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