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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, December 31, 2004
"MOM! Mom! I killed a mouse!"
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The weather here is freakishly warm today. The children have been cooped up and forced to help with the moving and cleaning for the last few days. So when they asked if they could go outside I yelled a resounding "YES!" and helped them get their shoes on. I'm kinda ready for school to resume.

Off they went, squealing, blowing a rather obnoxious whistle their Grammy With The Circle Head gave them in their stockings, laden with backpacks and Sam armed with his camera. 15 minutes of peace ruled here in my house, with only faint sounds of the squealing and whistle-blowing wafting in from outside. Then I hear 6 little legs rustling through the leaves, coming ever closer to the front door and that funny little tic I've developed over this Christmas break started in again. An invasion was about to happen. Then I hear "NO! I'M going to tell her!" and I only could imagine what they were going to confess to. 6 little legs brought 3 panting, racing children to my side, wide-eyed and breathless. I looked at them all, waiting to hear what they had destroyed, or at least maimed.

"MOM!!Mom! I killed a mouse!" This from my eldest child, the "Diva in the Making" she calls herself. My little Diva killed a mouse?!? Then the story was related how she saw the dog hunting in the wood pile and how she moved logs with her jump-rope and when the little critter ran out she sic'd the dog on it. This is how she kills a mouse? Sounds vaguely how I would kill a mouse - by proxy.

The other two children stood beside her and looked up with stars in their eyes; she was obviously the new hero of the family. When she was finally done and all I could do was grimace slightly and then say "Wow, Ab, that was some adventure", Sam held forth his cheapo dollar store camera and said

"And I got lots of photos of the whole thing!" Shhhyeah, can't wait to get those developed.

The Diva has spoken at 11:34 AM CST
Thursday, December 30, 2004
And so it began
Mood:  spacey
Topic: All in the family
The room-moving debacle began on Monday morning around 7. Mom and Sis and her 2 children converged upon my quiet home and things went from there. We started in the master bath, which is actually a pretty damn small master bath if you ask me. It's one of those 3/4 jobbies and it sucks. Well, it had most recently been an 8 year old little girl's bathroom and it was cutesy and girlie and I, in a moment of obvoius insanity, stuck little sticky butterflies all over the walls. They were adorable! Erm, until the aforementioned 8 year old, somewhere around the time she was 6, outlined them all in crayon, smeared toothpaste all over them and various other bad things to the cute little butterflies. Mom and I started peeling them off the walls. Did the butteflies come off the wall easily? Are you KIDDING? Does ANYTHING in my life happen easily? The stupid satan-filled butterflies were sticking like Wonder Bread to the roof of a dog's mouth. If it had just been me in the bathroom, I'd have left the sticky and called it extra texture. Heck we were painting, for cryin' out loud. But nooooooooooooooo, Mommy Dearest insisted we scrape, peel, and gouge off every last possible sticky morsel. All the while telling me that she wouldn't allow Ab to get away with things like that and how we'd have never gotten away with that when we were kids and how filthy my bathroom was. Agh. I was pretty much on the defensive and started getting hateful. I mean, how would you react if someone came into your house and told you it was dirty? But finally we got through with that mess and moved on to the girls' room and started moving things out of it. That went okay. Then the painting commenced. That went okay, too. Except for when we'd find crayon or boogers on the wall. Then it'd be met with sighs and much grumbling. I declared at one point that I was nothing but a filthy-ass horrible mother and would someone just shoot me and put me out of everyone's misery. I was ever so grateful for their help, but COME ON. We also painted the only paintable wall in the (now) toyroom a lovely shade of yellow and filled in the inset above the window seat with the green from the girls' room and also the inset where the wall heater used to be before it caught on fire in the first two weeks after we'd moved into this house, thus causing my oldest two children to be scarred for life when I grabbed the fire extinguisher and the telephone and told them to run to the back of the house. It's right purty, that wall. The Kilz and paint covered the char-marks wonderfully.

Well, Monday night is Ladies Night at the Big Fancy Casino and Sis was bound and determined to go. I was exhausted and so was Mom. I waffled back and forth, I was going, I wasn't going, I wanted to go, I didn't want to go. It was decided at 8:15 that I was going. We all left separately. Mom got there first, Sis was right behind her and I ran through the door to be greeted by the oh so friendly Courtney who said "You have 5 minutes so hurry!" I did the closest thing to a run I've done in years. Mom and Heather were sans makeup. I had put some on that morning, but I'm not sure there was much left. My hair had been pulled back in a clip all day and last-minute I had curled the bangs and pulled it back into a ponytail. We weren't the prettiest trio, but we were there to win, by golly.

We didn't win.

I stayed until the 10:00 drawing for $500 and the subsequent two $100 drawings and even heard the nice gentlemen announce that they'd draw for another $500 at 11 if we wanted to hang around. Want to? You betcha. Did I feel like I'd be awake at 11? No way. I didn't even spend all of my $10 free money. I cashed out with $3.15 and went home. I had to roll down the windows and blare the radio on the way home to stay awake. I was so tired I was chilling. My body was shutting down and I was helpless to do anything but go wherever it led and friends, that night it was straight towards Coma-ville. I slept till 8:30 the next morning, totally oblivious to my husband's departure at 6:15. My precious children left me alone. Ab got the other two milk and they ate cold poptarts and Nutri-grain bars. They really are wonderful kids.

Well, the next day was horrendous. We had one coat of paint to put on our bedroom. The girls had spent the night before in their new room on their brand new bunk bed, but our room was still at the other end of the house and all of the toys and possibly a few small monkeys, midgets and even large mammals were in my living room. I do not handle utter chaos well. A little chaos is fine. A lot, not so much. I wanted to start going through toyboxes, but it was too overwhelming. I instead worked on the girls' room. I cleaned out Abby's desk and dresser and basically killed time till Mom and Sis got there. When Mom arrived we went straight to work painting. It was quiet, the kids were napping and we just talked. We talked over some new family gossip(and boy are those folks strange) and she even told me a little about my grandmother's mental illness, something I knew very little about. I've heard Mom talk about her childhood my entire life, but always the very top layer. Now I'm a grownup and I want to know more. Sometimes it's not always good to know the grownup version of things. Very sobering. But I enjoyed the time spent with Mom. And when Sis arrived we talked more, just the three of us, talking about stuff. I like talking about stuff. Very non-threatening and sometimes jovial, that stuff.

Sometime during the day, something went awry. Things went bad. Tempers flared. Words were said. Sis left with me in tears and we were not happy with each other. We have spent virtually every day together for the past 3 weeks. We are, quite frankly, tired of each other. I declared to my mother and my husband that I would NOT call her and did not want to even SEE her until well after the children were back in school. Well, today I called her. I love her so much and I can't stand for there to be anything rotten and yucky between us. Things are okay again. Of course, if I know my sister, at some point she's going to want to "talk" about it and hash it out and I SO HATE that. I like for things to just smooth over on their own and for things to return to normal. Not her. She likes to dredge them all up, work them over a few times, shed a few tears, curse a little maybe and then let things be normal again. How did we end up related? We are like night and day in so many ways. But I do so love her. That just over 24 hours that we didn't speak was awful for me. I felt like my arm was missing. Sounds silly but if you have a sibling that you are very close to, you understand.

Today, I finished the toyroom. I finished Sam's room. My dishes are washed. (I'm still washing them by hand, btw. It sucks, btw.) I did a few loads of laundry. I visited with my mother-in-law and sent her home with some toys for Paul's great niece. I found the top of my dining room table again. I have not managed a shower, however. There are just some things I had to let go, although I wish it'd been the dishes at this point. I am kind of grungy, if you wanna know the truth.

Tomorrow is not only New Year's Eve, it's Anniversary Eve. Note to anyone not married yet:

If you are choosing a wedding date and you get this cute idea to choose New Year's Day because you think that he'll never forget it if it's on a holiday - do NOT pick New Year's Day. He'll never want to do anything on New Year's Day because when you're young and have money, he'll be hung-over. When he's old and cranky, he won't want to go anywhere because well, he's old and cranky. Your best bet is to pick a random date, far away from any holiday or day you want to remain special and terrific. Then tattoo it on his forehead. That way you can still enjoy New Year's Day.

The Diva has spoken at 10:57 PM CST
Yes, that would be me
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Yep, it's me. Really. It is truly me.

I'm the one peeking over the top of the stacked Rubbermaid boxes. The one with not a drop of makeup on, yet strangely my skin is smeared with blotches of mint green, yellow and "oats" colored paint. The one with my hair in the fuzziest ponytail ever contained by an elastic ponytail holder. The one in her awesomely cool pj pants, no bra and lemme check...nope, no underwear either. The one with multiple sore toes because I've stubbed them on the kabillions of toys scattered about my once-clean and neat house. The one who fell asleep on her couch last night, fully dressed to shoes, at 8:20. The one who has 3 children who are dressed in the clothes of their own choosing and I don't believe a comb has touched either girls' hair and frankly, I don't want to be the one to do that when it's time. I'm the one that has threatened my children multiple times over the last 48 hours with "I WILL NEVER BUY YOU ANOTHER TOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU OR I LIVE!" and I have also told them that next year they are getting nothing but savings bonds and McDonald's gift certificates for Christmas because they have too many toys and they don't take care of them either. I have threatened to make them live with the "kids who live in cars" - as my sister so bluntly puts it - so they can see what it's like to have no toys and then maybe just MAYBE they'd appreciate them more.

But yep, it's me and I'm back. And you SO know that I will be blogging my tired ass off tonight about the events of the Disastrous Room Moving Adventure of 2004.




The Diva has spoken at 11:40 AM CST
Monday, December 27, 2004
If . . .
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
. . . for some reason I slip under the radar for a few days it's because of one of the following reasons:

1. I decided the mess in my house was just too much to handle and I moved out in the dark of night, taking only my digital camera and cigarettes.

2. I killed my husband and am currently on the run because he and I do not do home-improvement projects together well at. all.

3. I am just completely and utterly exhausted.

4. I won some big-ass jackpot at the Big Fancy Casino and I'm on a wild spending spree at Wal-Mart and Best Buy.

5. Or the mess in my house got so bad that instead of moving out, I just sat down in the corner one night to cry and have been there since.

I'll leave you to ponder which one it is, but rest assured that, even if I'm on the run, the pull of blogging will bring me to a computer. Even if it's from the public library in Tomahawk, Wisconsin, and I am sitting at the public computer in a trench coat and sunglasses, armed with a bottle of hand sanitizer, because have you ever thought about all the germs on those things? And even if I've ended up sitting in a corner crying for 3 days, I'll eventually decide that the story is just too good and it merits blogging, even in the midst of my depression.

I really think I'll be blogging again by Tuesday, though, if you wanna know the truth. Spending an entire day with my husband, mother and sister AND 5, possibly 6, children while we paint 3 rooms, steam clean the carpet in one and rearrange my entire house is SO gonna be a blog-worthy event.


The Diva has spoken at 12:03 AM CST
Sunday, December 26, 2004
I just had to
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: The sound of my husband shooting people on his PS2
Topic: Lookit da pretty pictures
I was the official Diva of Christmas this year. Self-appointed, of course. I even went so far as to wear a crown all day. Just because I could. I put it on first thing Christmas morning, right after the 3 year old discovered it in her stocking, and didn't take it off till about 10 last night. When the child asked me if she could have her crown back I told her no. She shrugged and said ok. You just don't mess with the Diva's crown, dude.


The Diva has spoken at 11:52 PM CST

Topic: All in the family
IN MY DEFENSE

I really wanted to make sure the missing $10 wasn't in there!

I was in my pajamas and had no pockets - where else is one supposed to put their money but in their bra?

And THE ONLY REASON I kept checking was that at one point Courtney said something to the effect of, "I know you checked already, but maybe you have more space in there than you realize and it slipped or something..." Or something to that effect. After that, I kept second-guessing myself, thinking that maybe it really DID slip...

When Courtney shouted above the ruckus of happy children squealing amidst all the adults searching for the missing $10, "I AM SO GOING TO BLOG THIS!" I kind of figured that she wasn't kidding.

The absolute most hilarious comment of the evening regarding the hidden bra money, was from Cousin Keith. I can't remember if it was Sis or Courtney that I offered the money to, but whoever it was said "I can't touch that - it's been on your boob!" And Cousin Keith said something hilarious (I've forgotten the first part) but ended with "...and it smells like breast milk!" right in front of Papa. And the rest of the family. I thought my mother was going to rupture something she was laughing so hard. Even Uncle David giggled a little over that one. Papa had something that looked like a grin on his face - or it could've been a grimace of disgust that his grandchildren are so demented.

And just for the record there has been no breast milk anywhere near my breasts in 3 years. Just so you know.

The Diva has spoken at 11:45 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, December 30, 2004 11:51 AM CST
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas!
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: The Outdoor Channel on the living room TV
Topic: It's a good thing
Ahhh, Christmas. It's a good thing.

We went to Mom's around 4 this evening, after spending a relatively relaxing day here at home. I made a huge breakfast early, we all wrapped presents, I babysat the washing machine through two loads of laundry before I decided that we'd just make do with the clothes we had. Mom called and said if we were late, it wasn't a big deal. Thankfully she said that because my sister is perpetually late. Today she actually COULD be late and not get reamed for it. We were actually running on time, so we stalled a little, Paul stopped and got some Copenhagen and we took a leisurely drive to town. We converged upon Grammy with the Circle Head's house first and I helped her straighten up a little, then the kids and I divided presents and just generally wreaked havoc in her quiet house. Then Sis and her family arrived, thus wreaking more havoc. Gotta love having 5 grandkids in the family. After Mom got most of the dinner fixed to a point, she ever so politely threw us grownups out of the house so that the kids could wrap some presents for us. Now this is how silly my mother is: She sent her two starving daughters out without her supervision with a custard pie in hand. Do you know how hard it was to not devour that thing? Do you know how we joked about licking it, laughing at the silliness, but deep down inside we both knew we would've had the other one dared? Do you know how difficult it was to actually leave it at the people's house that we delivered it to? We resisted, though, even if it was one of the hardest things we'd ever done methinks. We also made a quick run to WalMart, or as Courtney calls it, Hell on Earth, where the almighty and graceful Diva inadvertently stepped on the enormous, but oh so fashionable, flares on her jeans and nearly fell to her demise upon exiting the truck. It was funny, in a scary way. I'd have really hurt myself if I'd actually fallen and all Heather would've been able to do is laugh, I guarantee it. She's mean like that.

When we got back from our errands, Mom was finishing up dinner and we insisted that we eat immediately, rather than open presents first as we had planned. Oh. My. Gosh. Dinner was spectacular. Mom made smothered steak, her famous mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, and croissants. I committed a huge sin by being an unashamed glutton, lemme tell ya. So did everyone else, though, so it wasn't quite so embarrassing to eat like there was no tomorrow.

By this point the children could stand it no more and we had to open presents or have them all put to sleep by the veterinarian. We opted for presents, simply because we have a lot of money invested in those kids and they are kinda cute.

My children got more presents than should be allowed by law.

I got new sheets, some extra pieces to my dishes, the entire Mitford series books, an electric knife, some ultra cool jamma pants, Stand By Me on DVD, a paper shredder, a really pretty white gold bracelet, about 8 new GNOMES (!!!!!!!) and I'm sure there are more things that I just am flat forgetting at this point.

Mom literally sobbed when she opened the scrapbook Sis and I made for her. It was a year in the making and there are blood, sweat and tears in that thing, but she loved it so much, it was worth it. It's called Gram's ABC's. Each page is a letter of the alphabet and something to do with the kids. A is for Abby and Addison, B is for Birthdays (with pics from each child's first birthday), C is for Christmas, and so on. W was Writing to Grammy and each kid wrote her a letter. She had nearly quit crying until she got to W, then she cried harder and so did we.

Now it's a mere 4 minutes to Christmas and Santa's got some work to do. Fortunately Santa doesn't wrap presents around here, he just displays them on the sofa and all around the living room. Makes things a lot simpler, I'm here to tell ya. Of course, I haven't wrapped the presents from Paul and I, I haven't wrapped the presents from me to Paul and we have a GINORMOUS Matchbox Rocket Park conglomeration to assemble and put stickers on still yet. But Paul's watching Outdoor Television (I relented today and let him subscribe. Heck for $1.99 a month, I couldn't say no and it made him really happy) and you know how it is when you start blogging...

To all my newfound blogging friends:
Happy Holidays and best wishes! I have come to love you all so much and you are a part of my life now, an integral part for a lonely housewife, on some days. Your lives entertain, amuse and sometimes evoke tears of joy and sadness and I feel so blessed to know each and every one of you on some level or another. Some of you are known simply as a screen name, some are family, some are the dearest of friends and some of you are just plain weird, lol, but we're all part of a family. One great big bloggy family. Talk about dysfunction...

Merry Christmas!

The Diva has spoken at 12:05 AM CST
Friday, December 24, 2004
You'll shoot your eye out!
Mood:  cool
Topic: All in the family
At 9 tonight, I finally got the nerve to take a shower. I had washed all the dirty pots and pans cluttering up the stovetop, unloaded the dishwasher full of dirty dishes and washed them all by hand and things seeemed to be draining fine. I decided at that point that a shower had to commence soon because as a friend of my mom's used to say: I had the sour-ass. The shower drained fine as well. *shrugs* Go figure. When I came up front after my shower I heard water in the utility room and panic struck. I could just envision frozen pipes busting and spraying not warm, dirty, sudsy water at me this time, but cold, slushy, dirty, sudsy water. The washer was running and nothing was spewing forth. I asked Paul if he had started it up, which was a silly question. Washing machines usually don't just start themselves up and all three kids are too short to hit the button. He said yeah, he'd started it and it seemed to be draining fine. Of course, he was emerged deeply in a game of Shrek on Abby's Gameboy and wasn't paying a whit of attention to the washing machine. Good thing I was, because when it started to drain the second time, sure enough, water came bubbling back up the pipe. Not spraying this time, but still backing up. I was able to shut it off, let it go down the pipe and finish the load. Now I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a few loads tomorrow, babysitting the stupid thing every time it drains, or if I want to just haul the laundry to my mom's and do it there. Either way, I'm assured a pain in the ass.

Paul brought home that fabulous not $27 DVD player and after reading the directions I decided that per instructions, not the hook it up through the VCR because "video quality may be greatly reduced". Heck, who wants poor video quality? So I pull out the TV, am greeted by a rather friendly family of dust bunnies who all have pet cobwebs, and discover that our TV does not have those spiffy A/V plugger inners on it. And to run it directly through the TV one has to purchase an RF something or other ("available commercially" the book said). Well, upon further inspectigating I find that we actually do have an RF modulator, BUT it's in use by the Nintendo. So I made the executive decision to hook the blasted DVD player up to the bedroom TV and just put up with Kady playing out here constantly. Lo and freaking behold, the TV out here doesn't have A/V plugger inners on it either. So I decided that poor video quality was moot at this point and ran it through the Dish box. Of course, it did not work. I called my dad, the Great and Mighty Oz of All Things Electronic, and even he couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. He handed the phone off to my step-nephew who rambled off something about a $12 adapter and blah blah blah. Or I could just run it through the VCR and it would be fine. SO at that point, running it through the VCR won the nomination. I hooked it up to the living room VCR and it works great. Only the PS2 is hooked up through there as well, using the same plugger inners, so we have to unplug and plug in to switch between the two, but for now it's working. KD spent over and hour in blissful abandon, jellyfishing with Spongebob, playing hide and seek with Dora and Boots and even encountered wild animals with Elmo.

Then at 9:30 all five of us settled in, snug in our fireplace warmed home, in our coziest, comfiest pj's and watched A Christmas Story. I laughed, the kids laughed and it was a good thing. KD crashed around 10:30, falling asleep lying on my chest (Oh but how I love it when they fall asleep in my arms) and Paul put her in bed. Then Sam cuddled in further with me and we finished the movie that way. Ab was curled up in front of the fireplace and not even the lure of cuddling with Momma was going to pull her away from the blowers. I tucked them both in just a hair after 11:30. They said I was cool.

Gosh, Christmas isn't so bad after all.

The Diva has spoken at 12:15 AM CST
Thursday, December 23, 2004
When it all goes wrong
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Did y'all ever watch Three's Company? Know how goofy Jack was? Well, all three of them for that matter. But anyway, I thought of that show after I went running into my utility room this morning and discovered water spraying from the washing machine drain pipe in the wall roughly three feet into the air. But the real Three's Company moment came when I went rushing towards the washing machine, arms flailing in front of my face, trying to see through the gushing water to get to the controls on the washer to turn the stupid thing off. When I finally plunged through the warm, sudsy water emitting from the demon pipe and found the button, slammed my wet and dripping palm into it, I stood panting in front of the washer, looking down at my soaked pajamas, hair dripping with yucky dirty soapy water and then I wanted to cry like Lucy Ricardo. It would've been the perfect moment for a classic Lucy "WAHHHHHHHHHH".

I put out a call to the children "KIDS! GET ME SOME TOWELS NOW!!!!!!" And husband came running, entered the utility room and muttered "Holy shit." I sopped up the mess best I could, wiped down the walls and threw all of the clean but now wet clothes that were on the dryer into the dirty clothes piles and fought back tears. I then cussed a little. Then a little more. Then I went to the phone to call my mother, because this is what I do when I have a crisis - I call my mother. Then I got the phone book and started calling plumbers. The first phone call I made was to our regular plumber, the one we use on our rent house in town, who wasn't answering either number in the book. Then because I don't have another plumber, started making calls in order of listing in the yellow pages. The first machine I got said they are closed until January 4, but to have a happy holiday. You betcha, Mr. Plumber Man, I'll do that. The next 3 places were no answers, no machines. I bet there are plumbers all over Miami crouched in the corner, hands over their ears, screaming "MAKE THE RINGING STOP!" I encountered 2 more machines to leave messages on and friends, I left the most pitiful sounding messages I could possibly leave. I need to polish up my pitiful voice I guess because they haven't called me back. I didn't call the drunk indian plumbers, because we used them once and watching them throw beer cans out from under your house while they work on your gas line is kind of disturbing. I finally got hold of an actual person and asked if they had plumbers working today and she said yes and they could have one to my house by afternoon. I said "Great! How much is a service call?" Her reply: $99.50 for the service call, which includes the first hour. Then it's $35 per man, per hour, every hour after that. AND they work in 2-man crews. I choked, then managed to ask how long the average call is and she asked what was going on. She then told me it would probably take them 3 to 4 hours. I politely told her that I didn't have that kind of money, no matter what kind of plumbing emergency I had. When I hung up I told Paul what she said. He sighed and said, "Better call the drunk indians." The drunk indians didn't even answer the phone.

And here I sit at 4:20pm, unshowered.

I called my mother in law after I called my mother and before I started calling plumbers to see if she could loan me some money to pay for the plumber. She said she wanted to come over this morning anyway and yes, she'd bring some money. So I rounded up all the Christmas gifts for the kids that were from her (I do her shopping for her) and wrapped them so she could watch the kids unwrap them. Abby got a Gameboy Advance (Yes, now we have TWO. TWO TIMES the fun!), Sam got a punch/kick target that we got from his Sensei (He loved it and I will hear the sounds of his repeated HYE's!!! in my sleep tonight) and Kady got an InteracTV thingy that you play the CD's and interact with it via the hand-held doohickey. SO I sit down to program the silly thing, using the codes given in the user's manual, only to find that none of the given codes work. I even tried finding the code manually, like it said. I didn't work either. I called the 800 number and she informed me that it does not work with Playstations, which is what we use for a DVD player. Guess what the Hoovers are getting for Christmas??? I called my local Wal-Mart (which my husband is still employed at since he didn't get that new job) to ask if they still had some of those nifty $27 DVD players they had during the after-Thanksgiving Blitz sale and for weeks thereafter. The friendly dude in Electronics said "Yeah, except they're $38.86 now." Then, Friendly Electronics Dude, they are NOT $27 DVD players any more, now are they?" GEEZ!

Husband still hadn't finished his Christmas shopping for me, the procrastinator, PLUS I put him in charge of stockings this year because it's high time he helped out a little, so I made him a list (Checked it twice. Sorry I couldn't resist) and sent him off to Wal-Mart. He called me from the parking lot and said "NO WAY IN HELL am I going in that store! Kristin, the parking lot is FULL!" I calmly asked him was it not his darling, level-headed wife that told him weeks ago that he needed to get his shopping done and did he not rebuff me each time with a scoffing "I can get everything I need at Wal-Mart. I can wait till the last minute." He wasn't amused that I brought this back up to him. I told him that the crowd wasn't going to lessen, find a parking spot somewhere, suck it up, quit being a wuss and count his blessings that he isn't dragging four kids with him.

We'll see if he gets me what he intended or if I end up with Rain-X, a beaded car seat and a bottle of fabric softener for Christmas.

The Diva has spoken at 4:36 PM CST
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Bah FREAKING humbug
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Rambling much
GRRRRRRRRR

I am sitting out here at my computer in my favorite pair of pj pants, just finishing up a Skippy peanut butter bar (yum), drinking a glass of tea, wishing I would allow myself to smoke in the house and marvelling at how SHITTY my children have acted the last couple of days. Okay, just today. But it seems like more than just today.

Do these kids not know that tomorrow is Christmas Eve Eve??? Man, when I was a kid it was like spectacular, church-kid behavior the weeks before Christmas. I even got along with my sister! Back than that was saying a lot.

But not my children. If Abby rolled her eyes at Sis and me once today, she did it a thousand times. She mumbled under her breath, did her annoying little head shake paired with hateful muttering. She even lied to her YaYa. Sam was wound up BEYOND BELIEF. I swear, it's a wonder his little heart has exploded he's been so hyper lately. And WHINY! Then there's Kady, who cried herself to sleep tonight after throwing such a humdinger of a fit that she caused her daddy to deny her her advent calendar chocolate. Daddy never takes things away from her and it broke her heart. Then she refused to pee before bed and I had to spank her. Then I told her if she would ask her daddy really nice and apologize for yelling and throwing a fit that maybe, just maybe, he'd let her have her chocolate after all. So what does she do but walk up to him and say "Candy." That's it "Candy." I said, "Say 'Daddy, can I have my candy please?'" Now to me, this made perfect sense. But to the stubborn, demon posessed 3 year old, it did not. She folded her arms across her chest and again said "Candy." Her daddy was not amused in the least. I tried coaching her, coaxing her and finally ended up doing the you-have-one-more-chance thing and she used up her last chance by again demanding the freaking candy. I took her by the hand and led her down the hall to her room. When we got to the door she then realized that I was putting her to bed and thus began a limp-legged, head thrown back, arms flailing, full-blown, all-out fit. I calmly (even though I was shaking with anger inside) put her into her bed, kissed her forehead (thereby causing probably irreversible ear drum damage by getting that close to the shrieking) and told her through clenched teeth that if she got out of that bed, she would most definitely get another spanking. I no more tucked in Ab and Sam than that little booger was standing in the hallway shrieking at me. So, I spanked her. Then this time, not so calmly, put her back in her bed and told her that if one spanking wasn't enough that I'd have to make it two if she got up again. THANKfully she stayed in there. Well, except when she snuck out of her room on me and made it all the way into the living room to tell me she had a "Notty nose". Is it wrong that I wasn't all that gentle when I wiped her "notty nose"?

Then to top all that drama off, I had to tell my husband that he did not get the job he interviewed for last week. The job that he was really wanting. The job that was going to rescue him from Wal-Mart.

Happy FREAKING Holidays from the Hoovers

The Diva has spoken at 11:05 PM CST
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I'll always remember...
Mood:  special
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
... Kady sitting in the Wal-Mart cart on a box of fire starter logs, waving to the other folks doing last minute Christmas shopping.
Like a Princess on a Rose Parade float. Occasionally speaking a gracious "Hewwo", but mostly waving ever so stately.
In her purple irridescent coat.
And her camouflage sweats.
And her hair half out of her ponytail.
Covered in groceries.
Wiping her nose on her sleeve.

Yep, them's serious memory-makers right there, friends.

The Diva has spoken at 3:51 PM CST
Is there anything cuter?
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Still the squealing and screaming
Topic: Mommy Moment
Today I took all four children to town. This in and of itself is a task not for the faint of heart. Then factor in that it is a mere 4 days till Christmas AND we are supposed to get a snow/ice storm tonight and tomorrow. Yet I took them, simply because I knew we needed groceries and I still had a few last-minute Christmas gifts to buy. I stopped at the post office first to mail Tiff Christmas CD's (the ones I did not burn for her becuase that's just wrong) that she will now get like a day before Christmas because I haven't had the money to mail a package until today. Then we went to Pizza Hut for lunch. Now, I could've just run us through the drive-thru somewhere and we could've eaten in the car, but nope, I am Super Mom and I have to make things entirely more complicated than need be. Abby and Sam had earned free personal pans from Book-It, so we all had cheap pizza and honestly, the kids were angels. They blew their straw wrappers at each other, smacking each other in the face with them and instead of, like I normally would, yelling "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO YOU WANT TO POKE YOUR SISTER'S EYE OUT WITH THAT STRAW WRAPPER?" I was somehow overtaken by the Spirit of Christmas and let them blow away. No one's eye was poked out either. I got them plate after plate of cheese bread off of the buffett, even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to. They all ate, they remembered those enigmatic manners that tend to come and go so often, they told the waitress that I was the best mom ever and Chandler licked me when he said "Chandler loves Kristin".

They all got sodas AND their bank suckers on the way home. Of course, now their heads are threatening to spin off their shoulders, they are talking really fast and their eyes won't focus. Sugar is crank for children.

BUT I keep thinking back to sweet little Chandler licking me when he said he loved me and even though it initially left me with an icky kind of germ-phobic gnawing in the pit of my stomach, it still gave me a warm fuzzy. I still had that warm fuzzy feeling when I wiped my hand on my sweats and got out the hand sanitizer. Kids are pretty cool. Even if they lick you.

The Diva has spoken at 3:43 PM CST
Feliz what?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The insane screams & squeals of my out of control children
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Sung to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog, I need to buy him a new flea collar.

Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog, I need to buy him a new flea collar.

I need to buy him a new flea collar.
I need to buy him a new flea collar.
I need to buy him a new flea collar from the bottom of my heaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart.

Sam and Gentry sang this about 4 katrillion times yesterday during the 30 minute drive from our house to Joplin. Then they got bored with those lyrics and started adding "poop" in at random spots.

Like "I need to buy him a new poop collar from the poop of my pooooooooooooooooop". And things like that. Then they would giggle hysterically.

*sigh*

They go back to school on January 3rd. That seems like eons away.

The Diva has spoken at 3:29 PM CST
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Holiday germs
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: The theme music to Super Mario World on the living room TV
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
It is now, I'm afraid, a tradition for at least one Hoover child to be sick at Christmas. Last year Abby was seriously sick and was so worried she was "going to ruin Christmas". She didn't, but let me tell you, it really weighed on her. Now it's KD's turn. Next year, Sammy's up.

Yesterday, before Festivus commenced, we had her birthday party. I was curling my hair and she was in her room just whining and crying-ish and generally being a little butt. I kept asking her what was wrong, no answer. Shrieks came from her room if a sibling went near and I was just dreading a party with a cranky birthday girl. Finally, my hair curled and my temper short, I went into her room to get to the bottom of the situation. There she was, in her party dress, sitting on her knees in her bedroom floor, white as a sheet and crying. I scooped her up and discovered she was burning up! Her fever was 102.7. It was 5:30 and the party was supposed to start at 6. I called Mom who said "Give her a double dose of Motrin and strip her down." So I did just that. Thankfully everyone was late to the party, so it gave the Motrin plenty of time to work it's magic and by the time 6:15 rolled around, she was cool and playing again. She ran the fever all morning and it broke this afternoon, drenching she and I both in her sweat. She also developed a rather not-so-pleasant case of diarrhea this afternoon, too. I figured it was a fluke virus or something and that was that, but who knows. At 8 when I was tucking her in, I thought she felt hot. Yep, fever was 102.3. So far she's sleeping peacefully, but if my Mommy memory serve me right, they always sleep peacefully until you go to bed. Then they wake up crying and spend the night in your bed, talking in their sleep and kicking you in the kidneys.

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 PM CST
Out of the mouths of babes
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The other night in the van we were singing Christmas songs. My children have been warped by public school and now can't seem to remember the actual words to Jingle Bells. They always sing it wrong and they just giggle at their cleverness. They also have the 3 year old doing it, too. *sigh* So Abby bursts into a loud chorus of Jingle Bells:
"Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg.
Batman Bill lost his wheels..."

I have no clue what she said after that because I nearly ran off the road because I was laughing so hard.

****************************

Sis and I were talking, we thought quietly, some grownup talk on the way home from Tulsa. She spelled S-E-X, which is a really easy one to sound out. And Abby's 8, for cryin' out loud. From the back seat I hear Ab say "Sex...sex...It's SEXICLAUS!" Then when we started laughing she said it repeatedly in a rather sultry voice that, just quite frankly, frightened me.

****************************

Sam: Mom, is son of a bitch a bad word?
Me: Yes, son.
Sam: Hmm...Billy at school says son of a bitch all the time.
Me: Well, Billy isn't my kid and I can't control what he says. You know you shouldn't say it, though.
Sam: Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't say son of a bitch.
Me: Sam...
Sam: Mom, I said I know I'm not supposed to say son of a bitch! I wouldn't ever say son of a bitch!

*****************************

Courtney and Sam have a little duet worked up to "Deck the Halls". She sings a line, he sings one, etc. It's precious, but the best part of the song is when he says "Don we now our gay dee wedder". I'm not sure what a gay dee wedder is, but it's now on my Christmas list, just in case it turns out to be the next Tickle Me Elmo.

The Diva has spoken at 10:18 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, December 19, 2004 11:03 PM CST
A Quiz
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: She Will Be Loved - Maroon5
Topic: About me
Here's a quiz I snagged from Filegirl, who by the way writes a rockin' awesome blog!

Three names you go by:
Kiki
Diva
Mom

Three screennames you have:
redneck_diva73
kikidoe
that's it. Really.

Three things you like about yourself:
My skillz in the kitchen. I said "skillz" how funny.
I'm a good mom.
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggonit, people like me.
Okay, so technically that's more than three. Sue me.

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
My enormous ass.
The fact that when I get really tickled, I snort when I laugh
My hairy arms

Three parts of your heritage:
Scot-Irish
Cherokee Indian
English

Three things that scare you:
Water
Spiders
Clowns

Three of your everyday essentials:
My computer
Caffeine
My kids

Three things you are wearing right now:
My brand spankin' new Eskimo Joe's Christmas sweatshirt
New Balance tennis shoes
My favorite wind pants in the whole wide world

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Maroon5
John Mayer
Trace Adkins

Three of your favorite songs at present:
"She Will Be Loved" Maroon5
"Fathers Be Good to your Daughters" John Mayer
"Merry Christmas Darling" The Carpenters

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months:
To quit smoking - again
Driving a mud run
To quit yelling so much at my kids. I want to be a kinder, gentler mommy and see how that works for me. I probably won't like it.

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
To be adored
To be appreciated
Sex that makes my toes curl and the backs of my knees sweat

Two truths and a lie:
I wear a size 8 shoe
I love chocolate much
Right now I'm so cold my hands hurt

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you:
If he can kiss me and take my breath away, well that's pretty appealing
Arms. Not necessarily super muscular, but they gotta be strong.
Honest eyes

Three things you just can't do:
Breathe someone else's air. I feel like I'm smothering.
Tell my grandpa I have 3 tattoos
Mess with mousetraps.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Reading
Blogging
Cooking

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Sleep
Drive in another demolition derby
Buy Maroon5's CD (but I'm HOPING I get it for Christmas *hint hint*)

Three careers you're considering:
Chef
Casino boss
Professional Diva

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Maryland
Prince Edward Island, Canada
Vegas, baby

Three kids names:
Lora
Molly
Jack

Three things you want to do before you die:
Ride in a hot air balloon
Win at least one demolition derby
Have another baby (at home, no less)

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die a painful death:
Little C
Tiff
I don't have any other bloggity close friend that I'd feel comfortable threatening them with a painful death if they didn't want to answer a few questions. So I'll leave it at that.

The Diva has spoken at 7:55 PM CST
Drunken blog
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Okay, it's 1:23 am and I am just ever so slightly inebriated, but I felt compelled to blog anyway. I still have a house full of guests yet I'm out here at the computer. And my gosh, the spelling errors that are occuring. Love that backspace button.

Festivus is going smashingly, obviously. "Smash" being the operative word here. We are all having SUCH a good time. I'm on Smirnoff #7. Courtney is on #who the hell knows, but she's telling sex and nekkid stories.

Courtney is now sittin beside me. THis is so fun. Wanna see the Festivus Monkey? her blogWEll too bad 'cuz I haven't moved the picture from my camera yet. You'll see it tomorrow.

We need intervention, to be quite truthful. Two weekends in a row of gratuitous drinking and we look downright addicted. She says it's holiday merriment, not an addiction. I'm going with that. And every time I write "addiction" she says "a dickhead". She is so funny.

Well we're going to blog on her blog for awhile.




The Diva has spoken at 1:30 AM CST
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Presents!
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I am nearly finished with my Christmas shopping! Okay, so Diva, why are you just now doing the shopping for the presents, don't you know it's a mere week till the commencing of the Christmas?

Yes, faithful reader, I do realize this. In years past I have finished my entire shopping quota by the first of November and just pick up stocking stuffers and school gifts closer to the Christmas. But this year we seemed to have purchased a new TRUCK somewhere like oh around November 18th and well, funds have been a tad hard to come by. I managed to talk husband into selling some of his precious Wal-Mart stock, which I know is a poor financial decision, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Of course, I'm hoping soon that that precious Wal-Mart stock will be rolled over into something else, if that's even possible. (*Note: Never give financially unstable and positively ignorant rednecks stock options. They are dangerous with it.)

Yes, Husband has a job interview tomorrow!! I'm crossing my fingers, praying, lighting candles, giving him sex and various other ego-boosting treats, and if I could round up a virgin and a volcano I'd be doing that, too, in hopes that this interview goes so well that by January we will no longer be Wal-Martians. Although, I will miss that hefty 10% discount at the checkout...lol. But he really hates working there and frankly, I'm sick of hearing him bitch about it. We shall see.

Tomorrow is another whirlwind day. Oh but first let me tell you about today! I left my house precisely when I had planned to - a major feat when taking 4 children with you. I ran Addison's glasses to her at the school, since we kinda left them here last after she went to sleep and her daddy picked her up late. I dropped Sam at the school, then took Ab to town to get her new glasses and take care of a WIC appointment that I oops, forgot yesterday. Then it was back to school to drop off the girl and back home where I was so productive and organized it frightened me somewhat. I made phone calls, made appointments, contacted people for some Girl Scout things, cleaned off my bar, cleaned off my desk, got everything laid out for the Brownie meeting and had enough time left over to sit down and watch CMT for about 30 minutes. I LOVE accomplishing things! Normally I feel like I'm doing nothing more than treading water and making no progress, but today the planets were in enough of an alignment that I got things DONE.

Then I got my Christmas shopping done.

Tomorrow I have to run back into town in the morning to drop a princess dress at the cleaners. It's been moved from hope chest, to window seat, to KD's bed, to KD's floor and now it's wadded up in KD's closet floor since Halloween. Time to launder that puppy, methinks. Then I have to fill up the van because we have yet another dentist appointment in Tulsa tomorrow afternoon. I think somewhere in there KD and I might possibly find time to eat, although it will probably be in the van. Then we're off to the school to make nothing more than brief appearances at the parties that can't start until 2 and we have to leave town at 2. Fortunately Ab's teacher is letting her exchange her gift just a hair early. Sis is going with me to Tulsa tomorrow to pick up a Christmas present. Bub is picking up Sam from school so he can go to karate and Sis and I are taking the 2, possibly 3, girls with us. After the dentist (I broke Abby's headgear AGAIN, so I'm sure a lecture will ensue) we'll do our shopping then head back home. I'm sure heavy drinking will be a part of my evening once I return home.

Then Saturday is Miss Kady's birthday party and our Glenn Family Christmas. We don't exchange gifts any more, but we adopt a family from the angel tree. When KD's party is over we clear off the kitchen table and the whole fam damily wraps gifts and puts together a food basket. It's seriously awesome family time with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

THEN finally after the wrapping of the presents and the "grownups" leave (Grammy With the Circle Head is taking all 5 grandchildren, bless her angel soul)

IT'S FESTIVUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Diva has spoken at 11:28 PM CST
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Another photo album
Mood:  bright
Topic: Lookit da pretty pictures
Goodness but I've been busy tonight! I promise this is my last post for the day. I'm heading to the tub with a glass of wine and a book....mmmm.

Here is my Christmas photo album. I'm sure I'll be adding more as the holidays progress, but these'll get you started!


The Diva has spoken at 10:35 PM CST
Warning
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Warning found on the fender of my four-wheeler:



"Never use with drugs or alcohol"

I promise that from now on I will never drink or shoot up my four-wheeler ever again. Obviously
it doesn't mix with my illegal drugs and alcohol.

I know it means that you shouldn't ride the ATV while under the influence, but to me today it read that I should not freebase or smoke my ATV.

I promise I won't.

The Diva has spoken at 10:32 PM CST

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