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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Syndrome
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
I have PMS. Actually it's crossed over into DMS. P is for Pre. D is for During. Yes, too much information. But now you know to tread lightly for a few days.

I think I need some hormones. Seriously. Of course, last time I went to the doctor in search of something hormonally medicinal, he told me I was seriously clinically depressed and tried to put me on an antidepressant. Depressed I am not. Cranky and insane, yes. Depressed, no. I need to try some of that Avlimil you hear about on TV. I've checked it out on here before and some of the components in it are pretty well-known for their helpfulness in all things female hormone related, not just lack of libido. I dunno. I've been in perimenopause for years now. I wish to hell I'd just go ahead and drop on over the edge.

My grandmother and my mother both had to have hysterectomies before they got close to menopause, so who's to say I'm not an early un-bloomer? I could be a late un-bloomer, too, I guess. All I know is this instability I feel is bad. Very very bad.

I had spent the entire evening a few nights ago yelling at everyone and everything. Paul, the kids, the cat even. I think I cursed the washing machine and I even called Abby's new Chou-Chou doll a loud-mouthed little plastic bastard. Not around Abby of course. I waited til my child was asleep and then kicked the stroller the doll was in and sent it zooming across the toyroom. I am evil. In bed later, even after all that yelling and bitchiness, Paul tried to get his freak on. I rolled over, my eyes glowing an evil red in the darkness, and said "Have you not NOTICED that I'm a little IRRITABLE tonight?" He very plainly said, "Oh yes, I've noticed. I just thought you might wanna work out some of that frustration."

After I used his ball-sack as a punching bag, yes, I felt that my frustration had been worked through. I slept pretty good that night.

The Diva has spoken at 9:53 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, January 4, 2005 9:57 PM CST
Thursday, December 23, 2004
When it all goes wrong
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Did y'all ever watch Three's Company? Know how goofy Jack was? Well, all three of them for that matter. But anyway, I thought of that show after I went running into my utility room this morning and discovered water spraying from the washing machine drain pipe in the wall roughly three feet into the air. But the real Three's Company moment came when I went rushing towards the washing machine, arms flailing in front of my face, trying to see through the gushing water to get to the controls on the washer to turn the stupid thing off. When I finally plunged through the warm, sudsy water emitting from the demon pipe and found the button, slammed my wet and dripping palm into it, I stood panting in front of the washer, looking down at my soaked pajamas, hair dripping with yucky dirty soapy water and then I wanted to cry like Lucy Ricardo. It would've been the perfect moment for a classic Lucy "WAHHHHHHHHHH".

I put out a call to the children "KIDS! GET ME SOME TOWELS NOW!!!!!!" And husband came running, entered the utility room and muttered "Holy shit." I sopped up the mess best I could, wiped down the walls and threw all of the clean but now wet clothes that were on the dryer into the dirty clothes piles and fought back tears. I then cussed a little. Then a little more. Then I went to the phone to call my mother, because this is what I do when I have a crisis - I call my mother. Then I got the phone book and started calling plumbers. The first phone call I made was to our regular plumber, the one we use on our rent house in town, who wasn't answering either number in the book. Then because I don't have another plumber, started making calls in order of listing in the yellow pages. The first machine I got said they are closed until January 4, but to have a happy holiday. You betcha, Mr. Plumber Man, I'll do that. The next 3 places were no answers, no machines. I bet there are plumbers all over Miami crouched in the corner, hands over their ears, screaming "MAKE THE RINGING STOP!" I encountered 2 more machines to leave messages on and friends, I left the most pitiful sounding messages I could possibly leave. I need to polish up my pitiful voice I guess because they haven't called me back. I didn't call the drunk indian plumbers, because we used them once and watching them throw beer cans out from under your house while they work on your gas line is kind of disturbing. I finally got hold of an actual person and asked if they had plumbers working today and she said yes and they could have one to my house by afternoon. I said "Great! How much is a service call?" Her reply: $99.50 for the service call, which includes the first hour. Then it's $35 per man, per hour, every hour after that. AND they work in 2-man crews. I choked, then managed to ask how long the average call is and she asked what was going on. She then told me it would probably take them 3 to 4 hours. I politely told her that I didn't have that kind of money, no matter what kind of plumbing emergency I had. When I hung up I told Paul what she said. He sighed and said, "Better call the drunk indians." The drunk indians didn't even answer the phone.

And here I sit at 4:20pm, unshowered.

I called my mother in law after I called my mother and before I started calling plumbers to see if she could loan me some money to pay for the plumber. She said she wanted to come over this morning anyway and yes, she'd bring some money. So I rounded up all the Christmas gifts for the kids that were from her (I do her shopping for her) and wrapped them so she could watch the kids unwrap them. Abby got a Gameboy Advance (Yes, now we have TWO. TWO TIMES the fun!), Sam got a punch/kick target that we got from his Sensei (He loved it and I will hear the sounds of his repeated HYE's!!! in my sleep tonight) and Kady got an InteracTV thingy that you play the CD's and interact with it via the hand-held doohickey. SO I sit down to program the silly thing, using the codes given in the user's manual, only to find that none of the given codes work. I even tried finding the code manually, like it said. I didn't work either. I called the 800 number and she informed me that it does not work with Playstations, which is what we use for a DVD player. Guess what the Hoovers are getting for Christmas??? I called my local Wal-Mart (which my husband is still employed at since he didn't get that new job) to ask if they still had some of those nifty $27 DVD players they had during the after-Thanksgiving Blitz sale and for weeks thereafter. The friendly dude in Electronics said "Yeah, except they're $38.86 now." Then, Friendly Electronics Dude, they are NOT $27 DVD players any more, now are they?" GEEZ!

Husband still hadn't finished his Christmas shopping for me, the procrastinator, PLUS I put him in charge of stockings this year because it's high time he helped out a little, so I made him a list (Checked it twice. Sorry I couldn't resist) and sent him off to Wal-Mart. He called me from the parking lot and said "NO WAY IN HELL am I going in that store! Kristin, the parking lot is FULL!" I calmly asked him was it not his darling, level-headed wife that told him weeks ago that he needed to get his shopping done and did he not rebuff me each time with a scoffing "I can get everything I need at Wal-Mart. I can wait till the last minute." He wasn't amused that I brought this back up to him. I told him that the crowd wasn't going to lessen, find a parking spot somewhere, suck it up, quit being a wuss and count his blessings that he isn't dragging four kids with him.

We'll see if he gets me what he intended or if I end up with Rain-X, a beaded car seat and a bottle of fabric softener for Christmas.

The Diva has spoken at 4:36 PM CST
Monday, December 6, 2004
Oh the pain
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
Withdrawl from nicotine is a bitch.

Not just your average, run of the mill, everyday bitch either.

It's a raging, moaning, screaming, pulsating, angry throb in the middle of my head.

I'd rather cough and wheeze than feel the neverending compulsion to claw my face off with my toes, eat 40 pounds of chocolate at one sitting and gnaw ferociously on every pencil and inkpen in my house.

I'm doing this for my health?

Shit, I feel better already.

Last time I quit it wasn't this bad.

The Diva has spoken at 7:50 PM CST
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Topic: Things in life that suck
My son has taken to yelling "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" rather loudly and obnoxiously like a sports announcer regaling the latest monster truck rally. He got up this morning and asked "Momma, what day is it?" I replied that it was Sunday and then it was all day long "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" I don't know where the kid gets it.

I attended church today. I know, big shocker. Oh hush, y'all. It's only been a few months, lol. Anyway, I attended a church that I attended when Ab was just barely a year old. We were going there when Sam was born. Then we drifted out of attendance, like we've done so many times before. I say "we", but it's always pretty much been me. Paul would attend occasionally, but never regularly. Hey I can't make him. This church is the other church that we shared a cabin with at camp this summer. I've known their youth minister since he was like 15 and he and my sister were inseparable. I've known a lot of the members since I was an infant. Some have known my mother and grandfather forever. It's like that all over town, though, small town, etc. But this church has always held a special place in my heart and why I left I'm not sure. I was obviously supposed to be somewhere else. But last Tuesday I really felt God was pressing on my heart to go back there. I, being the questioning, argumentative person I am, asked Him exactly why I should go back, it'd been so long, did He have a reason . . . Oh I was coming up with some doozies. I'd try to dismiss it, but still the urging was there. I was perplexed but decided that indeed I would go. One of these days.

Then Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, my cousin Courtney called to tell me that the pastor at this church and his family had been in a car wreck and all but the wife had been killed. How horrific. The day before Thanksgiving and this woman's entire family is gone. The day before Thanksgiving and a church is left without a pastor. The day before Thanksgiving and countless people all over town were left minus three very special friends. But I also had to keep in mind that the day before Thanksgiving, Heaven welcomed home three of it's own. What a joyous thought, but at the same time what a sad, sad thought. It's hard to rejoice as a Christian that they are now in heaven with Christ, when all you want to do as a human is scream out "WHY??? This isn't FAIR!!"

The Saturday after it happened I mentioned to Heather the fact that I felt God was telling me to go there and had been before the accident even happened. I asked her if she could tell me why God would want me at a church going through so much turmoil? Why would God want me to just drop back into this church's congregation when they were in such a time of need and hurt? My precious little sister, just said "Kristin, have you ever stopped to think that God wants you there. Period. If He is telling you to go there, He has a reason and it's not your place to question it. Just go." Of course I stammered out that I had no talents, nothing to offer, no words of wisdom and she simply said, "You do have talents and have you ever thought that maybe you being there might just be the encouragement someone needs?"

I answered the call this morning and attended Sunday School and morning worship. What an amazing church. What a tremendous outpouring of love and fellowship and brotherhood exists there. They are an amazing church, an amazing group of Christians and I was honored to be there today. If you pray, please lift up this church and this woman who lost so much. If you don't, send them good thoughts.

Now back to the monster trucks...up next the mega thunder truck, "God's Power", will smash over a 50 foot tall tower of fear, frustration, anxiety, turmoil and sadness. You can't miss it!!!

The Diva has spoken at 4:33 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:33 PM CST
Saturday, December 4, 2004
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Things in life that suck
Okay, so my BFF introduced me to this new makeup right before she left to move far, far away to her own personal hell. It's Maybelline's new Dream Matte Mousse and I must say that is is honestly the BEST makeup I've ever worn. The coverage is amazing and my skin looked great. For awhile anyway. I loved this makeup so much that I told my sister about it, (she went out and promptly bought it as well) raving about the coverage and how great it felt on my skin and I had to touch-up far less during the day, blah blah blah. Maybelline could've freaking HIRED me to talk about their amazing makeup. But I don't think they'd hire me now because I'm ALLERGIC to it!

After wearing it for quite awhile I noticed that my eyes were unusually red all around, especially on the eyelid. They'd get puffy and eventually peel (yuck, I know it's gross, sorry), but after speaking with my father, who is an RN, he assured me it was like a hayfever type allergy to something in my environment. I kept on wearing my amazing new makeup. Then one night down at Sis' I went without makeup because my eyes were particularly itchy and peely that day. Sis commented that her eyes had started doing that too. Well, why we didn't put it all together then is a mystery to me. Well, my eyes got worse, so did hers. Hers eventually has spread down to around her mouth as well. I finally got wise and took a week off of wearing it. Not really because I thought I was allergic to it - I was running low and wanted to make sure I had enough to get me through the holidays. I'm such a dingbat. So for an entire week I wore a different foundation. My eyes healed completely. No more red, itchy, swollen, peely eyes.

But I'm a moron. I freely admit it. Thursday night was the kids' Christmas program and well, I always try to make myself look downright purty when I'm going to be around the other parents at school functions. So I dragged out the Dream Matte Mousse and fatefully smeared it allllllll over my face, eyelids included. Man, was I hot that night, lol. My makeup looked great, my hair was great (not in the least does my hair pertain to this story, I'm just bragging) and all was right with the world. When I got ready for bed that night I made sure I took it off really well, washed and rinsed, patted extra moisturizer all over and went to bed.

I woke up Friday morning looking like an abused wife. My right eye was completely swollen shut! I spent 30 minutes on the couch with a cold washcloth on it trying to at least get it open. By the time I left for Santa's workshop it was half open, but looked AWFUL still yet. Courtney took one look at me, sighed and said, "Well, looks like Paul had to tell you twice." LOL, that was really funny to me. Anyway, I was self conscious of it all durn day and it itched like a MF'er. By day's end it had started turning purple so then it really looked like I had been beat. Today it's swollen still and so red/purple it's just embarrassing. But the icing on the cake today is

I've lost my voice again.

The Diva has spoken at 4:34 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:30 PM CST
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
And it was going so well, too
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Things were so quiet, things were peaceful even. She hadn't cried for "Daaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddddddddddy!" not once since she got here. She was actually playing and was happy and we were having such a good day. Then I went to the washing machine for like 3 seconds then I hear a crash. Then crying. And now we're back to "Daaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDadddddddddddddddddy!" again. And I figure since I have to hold her and listen to her scream now, I might as well try to type while I slowly go insane.

And to top it all off...the snow we're getting right now is the poorest excuse for snow I've ever seen in all my 31 years. It's not even white. It's like little morsels of slushiness falling from the sky and splattering all around. It's just damn depressing.

And my heart has been doing this little shuck and jive thing lately. I think it's just incredible amounts of stress, what do you think? The last time I experienced this, I was infertile and dealing with the fact that I could not bear children without the aid of drugs, was also diagnosed with precancerous cells of the cervix and had only been married a year and was slowly realizing that my husband was more redneck than I ever imagined. Man, that doctor slapped as prescription for Xanax on me so fast my head spun. Too bad that doctor is now doing cosmetic laser whatchamacallits and microdermabrasion and some other procedure where they run a big vibrating doohicky over your ass while you wear a stocking and it's supposed to magically whisk away the cellulite. He was really good at prescribing Xanax, too...

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:27 PM CST

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