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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Too late
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Turns out, whaddaya know, we DO live on Cherokee land. Stupid indian bastards.

I stopped by and visited with a friend of mine yesterday who works at Indian Food Distribution (While I was there I picked up this month's allottment of free cheese, whoo hoo!). When I told her of the fiasco the day before her immediate reaction was "BULLSHIT! You DO live on Cherokee land!" So, using her wonderful network of Cherokee Nation resources, called a friend who works at a different division of her office and this woman was simply incredulous when told that the red-headed indian woman consulted mapquest.com for her information. She then informed us that the Cherokee Nation has a full-time, paid GEODATIST. I didn't know such a person existed, a geodatist, but turns out, he's a pretty wise dude. So she put in a call to the geodatist, who then looked us up (I felt so special getting all that attention yesterday) and then emailed her a copy who then faxed and emailed a copy to my friend who then emailed a copy to me. WE LIVE ON CHEROKEE LAND!!!! Of course, we already knew this, but now we have proof. And also, of course, we already bought the tag through the state. Damn indian bastards.

The Diva has spoken at 11:41 AM CST
A quiz!
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: About me
Okay, anyone that went to high school with me or knows me well now, will not be surprised in the least by the results of this quiz. I was SUCH a geek in high school, but I was a popular geek. I'm not sure how that happened, but I managed to succeed with it. I was voted Teacher's Pet and Most Organized, yet was popular and well-liked. I'm not bragging. Okay, yeah, just a little. Anyway, I got involved with the Speech/Drama crowd and found my niche, yet remained popular. I also went through an incredibly dark phase where I wore all black, cried a lot and wrote really scary, depressing poetry and remained popular. I looked back through journals from that particular phase awhile back and went into a state of panic thinking "What I am going to do if my kids start doing this kind of crap!?" It's scary how dark and suicidal I sounded! Yet, I wasn't suicidal in the least - I was just using all that teenage angst to write depressing shit to freak people out. Ah, what fun it was to be a teenager.

Anyway, here are the results. Laugh if you must.

You scored as Geek.

Geek

81%

Drama nerd

63%

Goth

63%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

56%

Loner

50%

Ghetto gangsta

38%

Punk/Rebel

38%

Stoner

25%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

The Diva has spoken at 9:52 AM CST
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
The calendar says it's Tuesday, but I think it lied
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Things in life that suck
I got in bed at roughly 1 am. I woke up at roughly 5 am. And it was roughly, to say the least. 4 hours just wasn't enough last night. I got around and started getting ready and by 7:50 my two oldest kids were safely on the school bus and my husband and I were driving down the driveway with our youngest and Chandler strapped into the backseat. We were headed out on our trip to Tahlequah to get a Tribal tag on the truck. This was the trip that was supposed to have happened last week, but we postponed due to weather that really wasn't that bad as it turned out. So we embarked on our journey armed with a bag of goodies to keep the kids occupied, a book for me to read, the truck title, the bill of sale, my blue tribal card, insurance verification, driver's license, directions to Tahlequah courtesy of my friend, The Internet, and quite possibly lurking in the backseat was a shaved opossum and four small leprechauns. It had promise of being a good trip. Knowing that, even though we were dragging 2 small children out on a cold, foggy, dreary January day, we were going to save about $800 on the truck tag can kinda make days promise good, right? Wrong-o.

Firstly, let me just say that the road to Tahlequah via Oklahoma's "Scenic" Highway 10, is an adventure in all things related to carsickness. If we had had Abby and Sam with us, there would've been barfing. And you know how well I've handled that lately. Tiff and John took the kids to Tahlequah awhile back and if I had KNOWN what that road was like, I'd have armed them with Benadryl, biohazard suits and many, many WalMart sacks to catch flying puke. Of course, they didn't barf for them - they save it for us, their parents, the ones who created them.

We drove and drove for what seemed like ages, plunging further and further into what reminded me vaguely of the scene in Deliverance where the dirty, toothless man tells the fella he wants to hear him squeal like a pig...yeah, that scene. *shudder* I was getting a bit uneasy that maybe somewhere along the way we had forgotten to turn onto an actual HIGHWAY and was just preparing myself for the tirade I was going to endure if that turned out to be the case. I kept my mouth shut though, silently worrying, biting the insides of my cheeks as I always do when I get nervous then out of the blue Paul, in the driest fashion possible, says "Ya know, this is starting to look like the part of the country where the owls swoop down and f**k the chickens." Well, I had never heard that particular colloquialism and still yet I'm not sure what would be involved in fornication between chicken and owl, but it was all I could do to not spray the drink of Coke I had just partaken of through my nostrils onto the interior of the precious new truck. When I regained composure, I said, "Yeahhhhh..." and then fell into a fit of giggles, quietly loving the redneck I married.

Fortunately we found Tahlequah, The Internet had given fine directions. Thank you, friend.

We did have to stop to get directions to the actual tag office because The Internet didn't actually know where it was, but we found it after consulting with a rather unshaven young man with a cigarette dangling from his lip. He was helpful even if he was creepy.

We drove around the whole entire Cherokee Tribal Complex That Used to Be A Motel But We Cleverly Disguised It The Best We Could three times before we found a landing strip, I mean parking space, big enough to park the yard barge we call Our Truck. Upon entering we found the tag office to be well...a motel room. I mean, it used to be a motel room but is now a rather cramped, sterile and somewhat depressing looking tag office/tax commission. I signed in and sighed inwardly at the fact that I had to flip to the second page and sign halfway down that page. But I smiled because I was thinking of all the money we were going to save with this tribal tag! We were prepared for an all-day wait, but a mere 50 minutes after I signed in, they called my name.

I handed over the title, bill of sale, blue tribal card, insurance verification, and driver's license and waited eagerly for her to announce that our tag was only going to cost us $458. Instead she frowned, mumbled something and then left her desk. She returned and then asked me where we lived, were we south and west of the Neosho River, were we closer to Miami than Fairland, blah blah blah blah. I said that yes we were south and west, we were smack dab in the middle of the two towns and I was quite sure that we were in Cherokee jurisdiction. Well, thanks to Mapquest.com (Damn you Mapquest. Damn you all to hell.) we were actually pinpointed JUST OVER THE LINE and therefore, did not qualify for tribal tags. I said that we had neighbors who had tribal tags and how could this be, I know where we live. She shrugged and said "I guess they used false addresses or something." WTH??? You just admitted that quite possibly someone frauded you, Oh Great and Mighty Redheaded Not Quite Indian Looking Tribal Tag Office Lady and you are okay with this? She then consulted with another woman who was not redheaded and actually looked indian (Not that this really matters, I just find it funny that someone as pale as her works in an office filled with dark haired, dark skinned Native Americans and sticks out like a diamond in a goat's butt, to be perfectly honest.) and the conclusion was made that indeed we were screwed. There was nothing they could do, Mapquest.com had spoken.

My face burning, my heart pounding and my anger rising, I carefully folded up all of my papers, taking extra time to fold, re-envelope, paperclip and put everything neatly back into my purse. She was rather uncomfortable with me remaining there so long and I bet she said "Have a nice day" five different times.

I waited until we left the office and were safely around the corner before I told Paul that we were leaving without a tag. Oh the explosion that occured. He called them everything under the sun, cursing my Native American heritage and probably burning holes in the ozone layer with his expletives. I was secretly admiring his ability to vent his anger. I was still fuming on the inside. And then I called my Mom. Because as you know, this is what I do in times of crisis. She declared that we DO live south and west and did I want the number to the county assessor's office so the tag people could call and find out just exactly where we live? I offered this new information to Paul, but he was so mad he simply said "F**k the indian bastards, we're going home." Yeah baby. You get 'em.

We drove home a lot faster than we drove down there. The kids and I slept. I knew Paul needed some quiet time, bless his heart.

We are now sporting a brand new Oklahoma tag on Our Truck and the great state of Oklahoma is now in possession of $1059 of our hard-earned money. I am prepared to fight when March rolls around and the tags on my van are due. I am going to have a legal, notarized description of our property, a note from my mother and quite possibly a large box of Krispy Kreme donuts to offer as a bribe and I am going to do my damn best to get a tribal tag then.

Paul is reading over my shoulder as I type and when he saw "Krispy Kreme donuts", he said "Krispy Kreme donuts my ass. You won't take donuts to them hateful indian bastards." You gotta love the fervor in which he holds grudges. It's an admirable quality. I do so love that man.

The Diva has spoken at 10:35 PM CST
Stupid gambling
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
I did not win $500 at the Big Fancy Casino tonight. Nor did I win $100. Hell, I didn't win shit tonight. I'd have counted myself lucky to have won actual shit, that's how bad it was. And the stupid electronic blackjack dealer was obviously the antichrist because that bitch took my $10 in all of 5 minutes. That was humiliating. To whom? Only to myself because I was surrounded by complete strangers and I could care less if they were watching or not.

No dead people have talked through my computer tonight. I think they are feelin' the cranky vibes I'm givin' off. I don't think they'd wanna mess with me tonight. I'd be all up in their business goin' "If you are going to talk to me E-NUN-CI-ATE, ya dead idiot." That's the kind of mood I'm in.

And I'm a horrible mother. Yep. G'head and call DHS, I'll wait while you get them on the line.

Sam fibbed and told me his throat hurt this evening. Well, I honestly never once, not for a second believed the child's throat hurt. His big sister is sick and he is wanting attention as well. He's the middle child, this is what he does. So when I was giving the girls their bedtime medicines I called him into the kitchen as well. I handed him two Motrin chewable tablets. I was going to teach that child a lesson, I was. I figured the Motrin wasn't going to hurt him and I KNOW he hates the chewable tablets. He started whining and then moved on to crying, but I was standing firm. He was going to take the Motrin if I had to make them into suppositories. So after much gagging and some weird throaty hacking thing, he got the first one down. I had to swat him twice in order to get the next one even near his mouth. Now at this point, I bet you really ARE dialing DHS and honestly, I can't say I blame you. I am evil, folks. Okay, so he chewed up both tablets and I gave him some water and walked out of the room. I no sooner got into the living room when I heard SPLAT and before I could even think about what was coming from my mouth I yelled "YOU LITTLE SHIT - YOU DID NOT JUST BARF IN MY KITCHEN FLOOR!!!!" And then he started crying. Oh but your evil commentator here didn't even feel bad. I was just pissed off to no end that he made himself throw up! I am payin' for my raisin' on that one because I was notorious as a child for making myself vomit when I didn't want to take medicine. Oops, sorry about that one, Mom. Karma's a bitch, I'm realizing that one. I walked back into the kitchen and thought that I should probably count to ten or something because I was pretty mad, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how to count. I looked down and saw a pile of barf, splattered in about a 4 foot radius and do you wanna know what I said? I said, "Did you eat green beans for lunch, son?" The child never eats green beans! I was so proud. Well, I was still mad then, but now I'm proud. So there he stood at the trash can, spitting and coughing like there was no tomorrow and I was cursing under my breath while I cleaned up the floor. I even told him that I had no sympathy for him. I reiterate, I am evil. What kind of horrible parent has no sympathy for their child when they barf??? An evil one, I'm here to tell ya. When we were both calmed down, after he had brushed his teeth and was settled in his bed, with a trashcan beside his bed (because the way my luck has gone he probably, in all actuality, has a stomach virus or something) he apologized for lying to me. I asked him if he was worth it and he shook his head no and said, "Oh Momma, those Motrin chewables are nasty! I tried to tell you!"

When it was all over with I said "Can you believe he did that?" Paul shook his head and said, "I just can't believe you called him a little shit! I've never heard you call the kids that to their face!" I felt about 2 inches tall as I took my sluggy, lowlife self out to my van and lit up my very last cigarette.

Man, it was a Monday all evening.

The Diva has spoken at 12:38 AM CST
Monday, January 10, 2005
Today's flaunted food is...
Mood:  hungry
Topic: Rambling much
... a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Two of them actually. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's Ladies' Night at the Big Fancy Casino! I'm feelin' lucky, punk. I am. We shall see.

I got up at 4:30 this morning. That sucked big time. I was nearly to the city of Tulsa before the sun came up. I like driving in the early morning like that, before the sun comes up. Don't know why really, I just do. I listened to my Maroon5 CD all the way to Tulsa and that was a definitely good thing. When we left the dentist's office I grabbed the case for John Mayer's Heavier Things, but silly me, I had left the actual CD in the kitchen CD player and had brought only the case. If I hadn't been driving I could've stared wistfully at him, but since I had to play Responsible Parent, I decided against that. I put in a CD of praise and worship songs and proceded to sing my little heart out. That lasted about 20 minutes and then Ab said, "Uh, Mom...can we listen to something ELSE puh-lease?" Don't know what her problem was - I was praisin' and worshippin'! I put in Rascal Flatts and we listened to them the rest of the way home. My morning was filled with music by a bunch of hot awesome guys and songs about an awesome Guy. Not to say God's not hot, but somehow I kinda feel weird sayin' God might be hot. ooh. Anyway...

Chandler crapped his pants this morning. AGH! He hasn't done that here in a LONG time, probably because the poor little guy just doesn't want to hear me retching and grumbling when I have to clean him up. Ough. 3 year old poop is entirely too close to adult poop and I just can't handle that. Poor guy. He felt really bad. When he gets up from his nap we're going to put on Big Boys. He seemed pretty excited about them earlier. We talked about how cool it was to wear them (Not that I've ever worn Big Boys - I am strictly a Big Girl wearer myself) while they ate lunch and he was ten kinds of excited. Then he crapped his pants and had to listen to me retch. I hope I didn't spoil the excitement for him.

Paul's splitting wood as I type. I offered to help, but he is really just not wanting me to help stack it! I do not understand him. Well, I guess I kinda do. I'm very particular about how things are done with my tasks and chores. There is a certain way that our washcloths must be folded and socks are numbered in my house. Yes, I number our socks. Yes, I realize I am weird. Anyway, I don't let him help with certain things around the house because he just doesn't understand how I want them done. So maybe he feels the same way about his wood stacking chore. Although, I'm not really sure I believe that. He slopasses everything he does, including the wood stacking. Maybe I'm an amateur and don't see the artistry of his wood stacking and that's why it always looks slopassed. Or maybe he doesn't want me to help because, as with the inside chores, I feel there is a certain way to do things. The last time we stacked wood I had all of the smaller logs near the door, mid-sized ones in the middle and the freaking giant Sequoyah trunks at the far end. I guess this didn't set well with the slopass, I mean artist.

I'm horny today. Yep, go ahead and stick that in the TMI file - I'll wait. There is a point though, as there sometimes is here in The Ramblings. I felt compelled to comment on this anomaly because it's so darn rare! My hormones are so off kilter that I haven't been randy since like 1995 or so. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. This is kinda nice. Hmmm...

How funny that just as I was deciding on my next paragraph, that Derek felt compelled to comment on my post about the dead talking through my computer. I wholeheartedly agree with him, though. He said

"heh...Isn't the power of suggestion funny?

especially when it pertains to ghosts and such. Spooky.

(boo)."


(I liked the "boo" at the end, btw, Derek.)

Our minds do play powerful tricks on us. Our brains are easily tricked. Not to say I didn't hear something last night from my computer, but was it the dead talking? I don't know. Could've been an power surge, although I have a pretty hefty amount of surge protection behind there. Could've been any number of electronic impulses and noises that I've heard time and time again, but never paid attention to them. And it could've been dead Uncle Marmaduke trying to tell me where he hid his millions. In which case, Uncle Marmaduke, if you can read this while you're lurking around my computer, speak clearly and enunciate a little better next time, willya? You're abilites in communicating with the living need a little honing there, dude.

The Diva has spoken at 3:07 PM CST
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Okay, now the dead people are taking over the computer, methinks
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Rambling much
I'm a tad freaked out at this particular moment. My computer is talking to me.

Yes, I said my computer is talking to me.

The volume is up loud enough that if there were a noise coming from a webpage I'd hear it and know what it was. Far as I know the previous two pages I was just on do not have sound effects, seeing as how one was the blog builder and the other was Dooce and if she's added sound effects, well, way to go Dooce for freakin' me out.

I'm not frightened, by any means. Just a tad freaked.

I just called Paul out here and he thinks I'm certifiable now. Great. It took me saying "my computer is talking" to send him right on over into thinking his wife is a kook. He said the stereo was on. It's not. He said the freezer is running. Okay, it's running, but I can hear it and it's not that. He stuck his head up to the speaker and I told him that it's not coming from the speaker, it's coming from the computer itself.

He walked away, shaking his head and scratching his butt, mumbling that he's never letting me see another scary movie again. See if I share with him again when the dead start talking to me through my computer.

The Diva has spoken at 9:45 PM CST
All Things Brady
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Can you name all 6 Brady children?
What was the housekeeper's name?
The housekeeper (whose name has been omitted to protect the innocent) had a crush on the butcher - what was his name?

This is how my husband and I entertained ourselves for about 20 minutes this evening. We were flipping through channels on the way to the Outdoor Channel, because he can't stay away from it, and stopped on VH1's The Surreal Life. This season has a former Brady in the cast. This got us to talking about all of the Brady kids and their names. For the life of us, we couldn't come up with the middle girl and any of the boys. OR the housekeeper! Who in the world forgets the housekeeper? I called my mom, because this is what I do. She filled in two of the missing boys, but we still couldn't think of the other. OR the housekeeper! I finally remembered the name of the missing girl while on the phone with her. I told her I'd end up looking for it on the trusty ol' World Wide Web and she told me to call her back. As soon as I hung up I remembered the housekeeper's name. Paul couldn't wait for me to consult the wise Internet for the rest and called the neighbors. Dana had no clue so she put Glenn on the phone. He spouted off the name of the missing boy, the housekeeper's boyfriend AND then queried did we know the name of Mike Brady's boss. I told him that as long as I had the names of the children, the maid and her beau, I was satisfied. Mike Brady's boss...geez.

So tell me, do you know the answers? If you get them all right you get nothing from me, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing all things Brady. Cheap, yes I know.

The Diva has spoken at 9:35 PM CST
I might hear dead people
Mood:  not sure
Topic: All in the family
We saw the movie White Noise last night. Sis, Bub, Courtney, Paul and I. Courtney spent the last 30 minutes of the movie with her coat zipped up all the way then pulled up under her nose, her hands partially in front of her face and her knees under her chin. I was just amazed at the sheer flexibility that was involved in that. I spent those last 30 minutes with my hands balled into fists and those fists were planted firmly in front of my mouth to keep me from screaming out loud. There was no way my knees would've touched my chin if I'd wanted them to. I had to wear jeans to the movie because no one else was wearing their pajama pants.

Heather and I had played with the tape recorder the night before and we had all talked about coming back to our house after the movie to play with it some more. I was excited about that, even if my husband was grumbling that it was ridiculous bullshit. Yah, well, he's an old fart.

The movie was slow to start and I was starting to feel a tad disappointed. But oh when it go going, it got right on it in a hurry. When things were thick and scary and tense, Courtney leaned over, her eyes never leaving the screen, and said, "We do NOT need to be playing around with this stuff." At the time I agreed because I was in the middle of having the holy living shit scared outta me. But when the movie ended it said that the chances of getting bad or negative responses from the other side are about 1 in 12. I was all over it again, figuring I had about 10 more times to go before I heard someone or something that would make me have the urge to bathe in holy water. So Courtney said she was in again, too. We called Heather to see if they were coming over and she said "I am NOT doing that white noise shit!" We had eaten at Long John Silver's before the movie and for some reason it always makes us thirsty, so all I had to do was offer her water and she said she'd come over. That was too easy.

We played with the tape recorder for about 2 hours, taping multiple times, asking questions and asking for them to make an effort to be heard, and we honestly believe we heard talking, but it was unintelligible. The website says that you have to do it several times for them to get to know you. Get to know me? Well, I'm 5'2", long brown curly hair, green eyes...

Courtney and Heather were joking that here we sat in my living room, asking for dead people to talk into my daughter's Fisher Price tape recorder and probably there was a bunch of dead people on the other side sitting around wanting live people to talk into their tape recorders. The thought was kind of amusing last night.

I saved all of our tries from last night. I'm going to sit down with the headphones tonight and see if I can pick up anything from them when it's quiet and when there's been space from last hearing them. If I pick up anything threatening y'all might have that holy water bath ready.

The Diva has spoken at 12:09 PM CST
It's Sunday and you need to know more about me
Mood:  loud
Topic: About me
I have been working on a List of 100 meme for like ever and frankly, it's just going nowhere. I got 35 or so and quit. Then worked it up to 72. Saved it and let it rest awhile. I'm up to 94 now and that's it. There is no more about me. I'd hate to think there are only 94 things about me that I need to tell you, but I'm afraid that's it. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, don't you find that just reading about me and my maternal exploits on a daily basis is giving you the picture of me that you need? I think so. So screw the 100 Things meme. Screw it.

I am still wearing yesterday's makeup. It's bad. I must get this oily, ivory-colored mess off of my skin soon.

I love winter because my hands are always cold and my rings are always slipping around my fingers like they're too big. Even though I always gain like 10 pounds in the winter and resort to wearing sweats, windpants and pj pants because my jeans are too tight, I feel like I'm a little skinnier when I fight to keep my rings on the tops of my fingers.

When I type I always cross my ankles. Usually left over right. When things start cramping and falling asleep, I'll switch, but usually within minutes it's back to left-over-right.

Last night Courtney ate a chocolate covered coffee bean while we were perusing the EVP website. I love those little chocolate covered morsels of pure caffeine and eat them with hearty crunches and grinds. Courtney, however, just sucked off the chocolate first. When she finally bit into the coffee bean OH THE LOOK ON HER FACE! It was classic. She goes "OOH! Ooh! Coffee bean NASTY!" I turned around to where she was making a bitter beer face behind me and then busted out laughing. "Did you suck all the chocolate off first????" When she nodded in the midst of her attempts to swallow, the rest of us all went "Oooh". Bub said, "Yeah, you'll never do that again, huh." It was pretty funny. I offered her another one to chomp on, thinking she could add some chocolate to the existing grainy mess in her mouth to help it go down, but she refused and ran to find water. Bless her heart. Coffee bean virgin, she was.

I sat my ass in the recliner this morning and watched an entire hour of Rascal FlattsAll Access on CMT. 60 blissful minutes of Joe Don Rooney and those other two guys that seem to maybe sing with him. Or something.

I ran my dishwasher yesterday. I got sick and damn tired of the skin peeling off my hands due to long-term exposure to soapy dishwater. I all but sandbagged my kitchen and ran that sucker. No leaking and when I opened the door when the cycle was over, I swear that dishwasher sighed in sheer contentedness. I patted her and said, "Well done, my good and faithful appliance." I then explained to her that I hadn't been punishing her by not using her lately. I explained the septic situation and she was very understanding. We have a great relationship. I ran her again this morning. Another good experience. I left the rolled up towel squashed up under the front of it, though. Just in case. She understood.

I'm down to 7 cigarettes in the pack I have hidden in my sock drawer. When they are gone, I'm done. Really. I mean it. Don't look at me like that and nod your head condescendingly. I'll bitch-slap you. STOP IT!

I need to go to town this afternoon. Man, I don't want to. I have prescriptions for both girls ready at the pharmacy. Abby's going to the dentist tomorrow and has to have her bi-weekly dose of immune-depleting amoxicillin before they'll touch her. Kady's down to two Singulair and she started rattling yesterday. We're also out of milk. Medicine and bone-strengthening calcium I guess are pretty good reasons to peel the pj pants off my body and put on some sweats, take off my oily day-old makeup, load all three kids into the van and drive to the hell we call Wal-Mart. I guess.

Last night, as we were walking out the door Kady said, "Momma, does me have to do in-hay-wers tonight?" I said, "Yes, sweetie. Grammy knows all about how to do it." She flipped her head around and snottily said, "SEE Sam! Me TOLD you!" Yikes, my little diva, step back and control thyself.

When we got home last night around 10, the kids were still up. Mom simply stated that I never actually said that she was to put them in bed, so she let them stay up. Kady came running over and stood right in the middle of us all and began swinging her hair from shoulder to shoulder. She can do this simply by bending at the waist and flipping her head while jerking her shoulder up ever so slightly. It's rather fascinating to watch a three year old do this. Kind of scary, too, that she's working them feminine wiles already. Anyway, she got our attention with the hair flipping and then announced "Gwammy dwied my hair with your hair dwyer, Momma! With YOUR hair dwyer!" I think she was trying to rile me up by tattling that my hair dryer was used by someone other than me. What she doesn't understand is that I am not like her siblings and I will not put you in the Vulcan Death-grip for using my belongings. Unless it's my computer and then you'd better watch yourself, buddy. That's crossing a line.

It's nearly noon and the children are whining for food. It's just like a kid to ask for food when their little tummies growl. That's one thing about kids. You gotta watch yourself. You feed 'em one time - ONE TIME - and the little boogers keep coming back expecting you to do it again and again.

The Diva has spoken at 11:46 AM CST
Friday, January 7, 2005
Betcha can't guess
Mood:  not sure
Topic: All in the family
You will never guess what I spent the evening doing. Guarantee it. You really won't guess it right. So I'm just gonna tell ya.

First of all, I visited this website. Then after thoroughly creeping myself out, my sister visited the website. (You have to click on the link, dudes. You won't get the post as well if you don't.) Then after we listened to the clips, we grabbed Kady's tape recorder and shut ourselves in my bedroom.

Yes, we tried to hear the dead speaking in my youngest daughter's Fisher Price tape player. This is what happens when you are a stay at home mom and it's winter and you have a hormonal imbalance, combined with OCD and SAD. You resort to crazy, insane, paranormal forms of entertainment. And you take your sister on the ride with you, providing you're both tall enough, don't have high blood pressure or heart conditions and you will keep arms and legs inside the car at all times.

Our first attempt was the best one as far as comic content. We both stood on either side of the bed. I held the microphone and hit Record. As the website suggested, I let it record silence first. She motioned at me to talk. I motioned at her to talk. We covered our mouths and stifled giggles. When I regained composure I asked "Is anyone there?" More silence recorded. Then "What is your name?" Then the giggles took over and I asked, "Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch?" in the falsetto Good Witch of the North voice. We exploded into a rather loud case of nervous laughter. Needless to say, we heard nothing but our giggles and quiet snorts through that try when we played it back. The next one, we managed to keep quiet and un-giggly, but we kept getting the sounds of The Outdoor Channel from the living room TV because have I mentioned that that is ALL THE MAN WATCHES THESE DAYS? I asked him to turn it down, but we still weren't satisfied with what we weren't hearing. So then we went into the back bathroom, turned on the water and recorded some more. First I said "Hello?" Silence. "What is your name?" Then I nearly threw my sister into a stroke when I asked "Can you see us?" Her eyes got huge and she shook her head, almost like "Take that back!" I think we picked up something on that last one, but I haven't had the chance to sit down with it again and listen to it through headphones.

It was creepy and rather nerve-wracking at first. But we prayed before we started, as the website also suggested. We prayed that God would keep any bad dead dudes from getting to us. Then we giggled. Then I prayed again, more solemnly. Then we giggled. Finally, I bit the insides of my cheeks, seriously asked God to protect us and Heather said that maybe the reason we didn't hear anything is because God really was keeping the bad dead dudes away. *shrugs* Or maybe it's all a crock of crap. The EVP's, not God. Either way it was good for nearly 3 hours of entertainment, what with reading the website, listening to their samples and then checking out the ghost sites for Oklahoma ghost hunters/paranormal hunters and did you know that supposedly we have Bigfoots, erm... Bigfeet... uhhhh ....supposedly people in Oklahoma have seen large, hair-covered, big footed creatures? Now whether it's actually THE Bigfoot, a distant cousin or possibly a whole herd of Bigfooted hairy critters, I don't know. But it was kinda cool reading about them regardless.

The whole evening pissed Paul off to no end. For one thing, paranormal stuff is, to him, a bunch of hogwash, poppycock and plain ol' bullshit. Plus, he came home in a bad mood yet again. PLUS I told him when he left for work this morning that I'd make chili for dinner, but Sis brought dinner when she brought the boys back from karate and I didn't make chili. Oops. My bad. So bad. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. In fact, I've kind of avoided him altogether since Sis left. If he catches me and starts ranting he's going to give me a talkin' to, I can feel it. He was friendly while she was here, a witness is what she was, but now that she's gone I'm just stayin' away from him and letting him watch The Outdoor Channel as loud as he wants. Even though, after listening to EVP's all night, I'm a bit skittish when I hear a duck call and gun shots emitting from the living room. I've nearly jumped out of my chair twice already.

The Diva has spoken at 10:58 PM CST
Updated: Friday, January 7, 2005 11:02 PM CST
For pity's sake
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Things in life that suck
Today, I was sitting out here at my computer, working on my book (since I haven't in a really long time) and I thought I heard the faint sound of rain. Rain? No...we haven't had rain in ages! (Read that previous with sarcasm if you don't mind) I went outside to get wood for the fire and discovered that indeed it was raining. And icing. And snowing. No kidding - all three at once.

So much for that weather forecast that said "40 degrees and sunny" for today.

Monday it is supposed to be 65 degrees.

By week's end we are forecasted to experience the coldest temps we've had all season.

Is Oklahoma, like, God's comic relief when it comes to weather? I'm sure it gets heavy at times, bein' God and all. So He must save Oklahoma for those days when it's been really bad and depressing and then He just hits a button that throws our weather pattern into something akin to a carnival Tilt-a-whirl and laughs His heavenly head off.

The Diva has spoken at 6:33 PM CST
Updated: Friday, January 7, 2005 6:36 PM CST
What Kady said
Mood:  happy
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
My three year old, despite the fact that she refuses to use the pronoun "I", talks way older than she is. She comes up with things that blow me away sometimes. Reading the story about her calling her daddy "bitch" should've clued you in to this fact.

Yesterday she was sitting in the kitchen floor while I washed dishes, (Yep, still doing it by hand. Bleh) using a new package of napkins as a computer. She was sitting indian-style, her package of napkins in front of her, banging away on that sucker. I guess it had the Bounty2 Processor or something. Well, she banged around on it long enough that the package finally ripped open. I had to take it away from her and gave her a Tupperware container instead. In my opinion, it made a better computer anyway. So after I managed to convince her that plastic really was better than paper, she began typing again. She'd ask me a question and then type away, obviously practicing her dictation skills. She asked me what my favorite color was. I told her blue. She said "Purple?" I said, "No, blue." "Purple?" "Blue." "Purple?" "Yes Kady, purple." "Okay, Momma." Finally the questions stopped, but she continued talking to herself. Asking questions and answering them, which is kind of concerning, but I think it's okay. She is three after all. So then I hear her say:

"Me don't like it when the ballerinas lift me over their heads. Me crazy like that."

I slowly turned around to look at her. She just grinned up at me with the most adorable look on her face. Then suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch, she jumped up, kicked her Tupperware computer across the floor and said, "Music! Me need music! Me. Must. Dance!"

She's crazy like that.

The Diva has spoken at 6:03 PM CST
Thursday, January 6, 2005
No school cancellation, no cakey village, no fun at all
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Rambling much
I was just SURE they'd cancel school today! I got up at 5:30 with the husband just so I could see the school cancellations and then promptly go back to bed. No such dang luck. Only those durn Kansans with their 3/4" of ice all over everything merited a day off of school, probably building cool villages with their Strawberry Shortcakes. The bastards.

I asked Paul to call me when he got to work for two reasons. Firstly, so I'd know he made it safely. Secondly, so he could report road conditions. No call. When he came home tonight I knew he'd made it to work this morning safely. I found out the road conditions on my own. I told him that I found it rather rude that he didn't call. He looked at me blankly and said, "Oh, you were serious?"

I cancelled the Tulsa trip right after my mother told me about a woman and her four children who were killed due to the ice/snow in Tulsa yesterday. I have GOT to quit listening to the gloom and doom! It's not good for me. Makes me shake and think about things I don't like thinking about. I did, however, take Sam to the eye doctor in town.

The dr checked him out and said his eyes were fine. I said, "Well, do you have any clue as to why all of the sudden he would start reversing letters and squinting then?" He then proceded to unload his opinion of the crappy school systems and how that a boy of 6 should be making mud pies and playing (He actually said it with emphasis) and we should not be trying to make him a computer genius. Yikes. I was just worried about his eyes, dude. I really do like the guy. Guess he was having an off day. We waited nearly an hour so maybe he was stressed a bit.

By the time we got out of there the kids had missed their lunch times at school so well, geez, the Sonic was callin' my name. Good thing I wasn't dieting because the coney and fries I ate would've blown it all to hell. The kids said I was cool for letting them eat at Sonic on a school day.

The afternoon was filled with me cleaning and getting things ready for Brownies. Today was our unofficial and very fun cookie training. We did flash cards with all the different cookies on them and the girls loved learning the names. We role-played selling cookies and oh my gosh, if you ever want to make 4 little girls giggle uncontrollably, introduce yourself to them as "Suzy Cutepants" or "Ethel Snotbottom". It'll get 'em every time. At least it did my troop on this particular day.

And I must state, for the record, my life is now complete once again now that Alias is back on. I was in a state of reverie for 2 hours last night. Getting up to pee during a commercial was a struggle because I was afraid I'd lose that euphoric feeling I was getting from just being in the same room where it had been playing. I was lost a few times because I actually missed the season finale, but they really did a good job filling in the blanks for us losers who needed a clue. Sydney Bristow kicks ass.

Well, it's cold and I'm tired. My husband is just out of the shower and he's all warm and smelly-good and if I hurry I can take advantage of the steamy warmth under the covers before he farts or does something else to ruin it.

The Diva has spoken at 11:34 PM CST
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
It's raining, it's icing, the old man is going to break his hip if he tries to walk on that shit
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Rambling much
Well, no trip to Tahlequah today. I got up at 5:30, after 30 minutes of snoozing which I hear Chaddy hates, lol. And immediately got in the shower, in desperate need of serious waking up. I nearly steamed the paint off the walls. The house was cold, the water was hot and it was a good thing, that shower. So after I got dressed I went up front to check the weather. Ol' Lucas McDiva on KSN (I still get KSN because we use an aerial antenna and not overpriced cable) was telling us how bad it was and was going to be and no one should venture too far. That Lucas, he tends to be a tad dramatic. I woke Paul, who was snoring soundly on the couch, and tried to get an opinion out of him regarding our impending trip. Nothing but a snorky kind of grunt followed by a curse word. So much for that. So what do I do when I need advice - call Momma!!! She and I talked it through, she even offered to stay home with KD rather than have us drag her out in the crappy weather. I was still leaning toward going until the conversation steered toward the elderly couple whose car was washed from their driveway as they were leaving for a doctor's appointment and their bodies have yet to be found. Water is a huge fear of mine. The mere thought of water over my head can throw me into a full-fledged panic attack and I am not kidding. I nearly had one this morning talking to Mom about those poor folks because then, being a mom myself, my sick thoughts went over to the bad place and I could just envision trying to unbuckle KD from her carseat....okay, gotta stop this line of thinking right now. Anyway, I decided right then and there that there was no way this Hoover was going on a roadtrip. End of subject. I stopped trying to wake up the husband, I got the big kids ready for school (Because the roads here were not flooded. It was the roads elsewhere that I wasn't sure about. Trust me when I say I'd have NEVER put them on a bus if the roads had been flooded here.) and took them to the bus. Then I went back to the house, fixed KD a cup of milk, opened a Nutri Grain bar for her and settled into the recliner. What a good child I have! She 'nuggled with me for awhile, then brought some dishes into the living room and cooked some pink and blue cookies for me, some coffee - or "cossee" as she says - and I would open my eyes long enough to take a pretend bite or sip then close them again and doze. I am not a bad mom, I was just a very tired one this morning.

We went into town around noon, got a few groceries and came back home, listening to the ice pelt the windshield. I was glad we weren't driving home from Tahlequah then. All in all, it was a good day. Dozed the entire morning, my WalMart.com stuff arrived today, blogged a little this evening, and now I'm going to watch an all new episode of Lost and THEN THE SEASON PREMIERE OF ALIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Diva has spoken at 6:59 PM CST
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Before I head off to Dreamland, a post
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Well, I doubled my money playing electronic Blackjack last night. Then a few hours later lost it all. Gambling is a cold-hearted bitch sometimes.

We had a great time last night, though. Mom, Sis and I all hit the casino about the same time. We always meet up with Mom's friend, Bev, and her other friend, Angie. Heather and I obviously have no friends. Oh, wait a minute, Heather's friend, Melissa, met us out there, too. I am the one with no friends. Silly me for forgetting that one. And Angie won the 10:00 $500 drawing - go Angie! I had stuck a $10 in my pocket as I walked out the door, thinking I wouldn't use it to gamble on - just wanted to have some cash on me in case my car broke down on the way home and I had to bribe some passerby into helping me. Yah. Well, there are only like 10 RedBall machines in that entire Big Fancy Casino. Heck, the Not So Big and Not Quite as Fancy Casino has more than that! That is one aspect of Buffalo Run I am not happy with. Anyway, I kind of stalked those machines awhile, waiting for my chance to pounce upon an empty chair. Good machines are hard to come by before 10 on Ladies' Night anyway and especially harder to come by when there are only 10 of that particular machine. Finally, Sis asked this chick who was obviously just sitting there not playing if she was using the machine. She hatefully shot back, "I'm sitting here, aren't I?" Yikes, beyotch, step OFF. But soon the nice lady on the end caught my eye and asked if I wanted her machine. I thanked her and sat next to the hateful bitch and proceded to play my game. The machine makes noise when you Blackjack. Every time my machine would ring that woman would just about give herself whiplash looking to see what I had done. I got my original $10 up to $30 in a hurry. And you could see that with every thing in her she wanted to switch over and play it too, but her bitchy pride kept her from it. I was laughing inside. I was winning and she was not. It was a good thing. I played back down to $20 and figured that doubling my money in less than an hour and getting quite a bit of satisfaction in driving the woman next to me slowly insane was not a bad deal and cashed out.

Okay, the chairs are kind of higher chairs. Kind of like a barstool, but with a comfy chair cushion. I am a short person and my legs come nowhere near the ground when I'm sitting there. So to dismount, it takes a little wiggling and scooting to get to where I don't fall face-first onto the floor.

I KID YOU NOT, one foot was about 6 inches from the floor, I still had one butt-cheek still ON THE CHAIR and a woman sat in my chair. Talk about anxious. Of course, when I walked by her later, obviously stalking that machine again, she was up to $100, so I kind of understood her wanting to get right up on in there and start playing. It would've been really funny, though, if I had had the presence of mind to pretend I was tying my shoe or something. I never think that quick, though.

I ended up losing my free play shamefully in a series of slot-machine fiascos. I was down to a measley .86 and feeling pretty low. Heather found me a penny machine and I ended up getting up to $10, played down to $5 and headed home. Mom wanted the three of us to leave together because she said she had things for us in her car. I came home with $5 in my pocket, 3 hours of entertainment memories, including a nice conversation with Courtney, two boxes of Cookie Crisp cereal and a new container of Lysol wipes. I could've combatted anything on the way home last night - cold and flu germs, a raging case of the munchies, and $5 to bribe passersby if I had had car trouble.

Tonight we are getting more rain. It's delightful. Delightfully depressing in a sad kind of way. We've gotten roughly 47,000 inches of rain in the last 24 hours and Paul has started drawing up blue-prints for an ark. Good news, if that's possible, is that it's supposed to get miserably cold tomorrow night. It's not supposed to get any colder than 35 tomorrow, meaning that the rain will remain rain. BUT when it gets down to 17 tomorrow night, all that rain will freeze. And the temp on Thursday isn't supposed to get above freezing. We might at least get some ice out of the deal. Ice isn't snow, man, but it's cold and it has the potential of keeping my children out of school.

This means I can finally build that cakey village and watch as the Shortcake Crew once again foils that nasty bitch, Sour Grapes. There is hope.

I doubt I post tomorrow or the next day, friends. Tomorrow we'll drive to Tahlequah to await the entire day in the Cherokee Tribal Tag Office, in order to save roughly $800 on the truck tag. I'm thinking that after spending one whole day with my husband and my 3-year-old in a dismal tag office, that $800 would've been money well-spent on a regular tag. Then Thursday Sam has an eye doctor appointment in the am. He's started reversing some letters when he writes. I noticed it over Christmas break, but honestly, I ignored it. I figured he was being lazy and didn't say a word to him about it. Courtney told me today that he did it at school, plus he's been squinting. Abby started wearing glasses in Kindergarten, so it will not surprise me in the least if the doctor says his eyes are going to crap. They can thank their grandfather for those eyes. Heredity sucks. I got 'em too, kids. Then in the afternoon, we'll make YET ANOTHER trip to the dentist in Tulsa because THIS TIME one entire band to Ab's headgear seemingly slipped off her tooth. No, we didn't break it this time - the sucker just came unglued. How delightful. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even try the headgear. I mentioned this to Mom, complaining that it's been broken more than it hasn't since she had the thing installed. Mom said that already she could see a difference in her mouth and that she felt that, even though it's a hassle, it's worth it. Motherly advice is golden. She's my voice of reason through all the muddled crap streaming through my ears. She's my lighthouse in the foggy night of my life. She is the wind beneath my wings. Oh good Lord in Heaven, I just quoted a Bette Midler song. Someone shoot me. Please?


Please look back to the archives and peruse the wonderfullness of my past ramblings while I'm gone. Or feel free to ask me a question you've just been dying to know. Or something else silly like that. I dunno, entertain yourselves and report back to me by Friday. 1000 words or less, #2 pencil and fill in all circles completely.

The Diva has spoken at 10:39 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, January 4, 2005 10:44 PM CST
Syndrome
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
I have PMS. Actually it's crossed over into DMS. P is for Pre. D is for During. Yes, too much information. But now you know to tread lightly for a few days.

I think I need some hormones. Seriously. Of course, last time I went to the doctor in search of something hormonally medicinal, he told me I was seriously clinically depressed and tried to put me on an antidepressant. Depressed I am not. Cranky and insane, yes. Depressed, no. I need to try some of that Avlimil you hear about on TV. I've checked it out on here before and some of the components in it are pretty well-known for their helpfulness in all things female hormone related, not just lack of libido. I dunno. I've been in perimenopause for years now. I wish to hell I'd just go ahead and drop on over the edge.

My grandmother and my mother both had to have hysterectomies before they got close to menopause, so who's to say I'm not an early un-bloomer? I could be a late un-bloomer, too, I guess. All I know is this instability I feel is bad. Very very bad.

I had spent the entire evening a few nights ago yelling at everyone and everything. Paul, the kids, the cat even. I think I cursed the washing machine and I even called Abby's new Chou-Chou doll a loud-mouthed little plastic bastard. Not around Abby of course. I waited til my child was asleep and then kicked the stroller the doll was in and sent it zooming across the toyroom. I am evil. In bed later, even after all that yelling and bitchiness, Paul tried to get his freak on. I rolled over, my eyes glowing an evil red in the darkness, and said "Have you not NOTICED that I'm a little IRRITABLE tonight?" He very plainly said, "Oh yes, I've noticed. I just thought you might wanna work out some of that frustration."

After I used his ball-sack as a punching bag, yes, I felt that my frustration had been worked through. I slept pretty good that night.

The Diva has spoken at 9:53 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, January 4, 2005 9:57 PM CST
T-t-t-tuesday
Mood:  down
Topic: Rambling much
It's rainy, yucky, thundery, gloomy, coldy, bleh-y. Love winter in Oklahoma. (Careful - last sentence dripping with sarcasm. Watch out.) We aren't lucky enough to get snow like that Better Living guy brags about so often. We get rain. And sometimes a "wintry mix" which sounds utterly delightful, but is nothing more than vertically falling slush from the grey skies above.

I can remember when I was a kid getting a plethora of snow. Or maybe it wasn't really that much, but when you're only 4 feet tall it seems like a lot. I dunno. Until I was an adult it either rained or snowed on my birthday every year. One year I was completely snowed in on my birthday. Mom had worked so hard making 30 or so Big Bird iced cookies (I'm telling you, she worked HARD on those things! They were decorated with real decorator icing and the bird had icing feathers. Feathers!)and it was all for naught. No school party. No family party that night. But Mom was so cool that she fixed me up a spot next to the sliding glass door so I could watch it snow and then she gave me a birthday present every hour on the hour. I sat next to that glass door all day, next to the over a foot of snow piled up on the glass, playing blissfully with all the new Strawberry Shortcakes I was receiving hourly. I think I was 9. I had quite a confectionary village set up, with the enormous Strawberry Trolley, a cardboard box for the mountains and during the day the adorable, sweet and always polite Shortcake crew foiled the always-horrible plots of Sour Grapes and her icky snake, Dregs, and the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak (Ya dada da da da, da da dada DA!). I even let my annoying little sister join in the play, considering she had the only Huckleberry Pie and that villainous Purple Pieman.

Now I'm pushing 32. I'm so close it's scary. And if I'm lucky we'll get tons of snow and I can set up a sweet, cakey village with my kids and play all day. But... if we get snowed in on my birthday I can't partake of all my free gambling at the casinos! Oh the dilemma...

The Diva has spoken at 9:32 AM CST
Monday, January 3, 2005
Ladies' Night
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: It's a good thing
I won some money at the casinos on New Year's Eve!

We have several casinos around here. One is the BEST casino, Quapaw Casino. (My children spontaneously break into the commercial jingle upon hearing the word "Quapaw" now) Then we have the Kinda Big, Not So Fancy Casino - the Stables. Now we have the Big Fancy Casino - Buffalo Run. They have Ladies' Night on Mondays, if you haven't heard me speak of it, which if you read my blog, you have heard me speak of it. We also have the Tiny Little Hole in the Wall Casino - the Miami Casino. This little closet of a casino is home to the Popcorn Nazi. She's not a nice person. We also have a Travel Plaza Casino, but it's not actually in town. Get your gas, win some money. Further out of town, actually in Missouri, is the GINORMOUS New Casino - Bordertown. And down close to the lake is The Casino I Have Only Been to Once - Grand Lake Casino. Ooh and I almost forgot about The Lucky Turtle. I call this the Multi-purpose Casino of the Universe. On-site there is a casino, cafe, gas station, truck/car wash, and convenience store. And if you like and it's the right time of year, you can walk a few paces to the west and you're at the Wyandotte Pow-wow grounds. Now that's gambling!

Anyway, I won some money at Quapaw Casino (47 whole dollars!!!!!) first, then won some more at The Stables, except I have no idea really how much I won because I kept playing it down, then playing it back up again. It kept me occupied for several hours. I am not complaining. I am quite the Blackjack Princess, if I must say. Not quite ready for the big-time tables soon to be coming to Quapaw Casino, but that electronic, $2 a bet stuff is rockin' AWESOME!

AND tonight is Ladies' Night at the Big Fancy Casino!

Can anyone say "Diva needs an intervention"?

The Diva has spoken at 10:55 AM CST
Typing one-handed
Mood:  hungry
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
But not because of THAT, silly. I'm eating a piece of ham.

Yep, while the most of the world is on day 3 of their newest diet and some are on day 1 because it's Monday and all and who starts a diet on the weekend - where was I? Oh yeah, well while the rest of the world is on their new 2005 diets, I am not. I am thumbing my nose at the rest of you. I'm just thumbing my nose all over the place and that piece of ham is just waving in the breeze. Just so you know.

Right now I just do not feel motivated to diet. Someday I will. I hope it's soon because my jeans are starting to get a little snug. And last night at El Charro when I slid in the booth my fat roll just kind of rested on the table and it was a might embarrassing. We moved to a table. I felt better later, though, when another larger type person asked to move to a table, too. He couldn't even get IN there. At least I got in there, albeit not comfortably in any way. But I got in. Was there a point here? Oh yeah, anyway, right now I'm not motivated to diet and what's the point of starting one if you're not ready? You have to do it for you and when you are ready. Otherwise you will not succeed.

At least this is what I'll tell myself the next time I try to slide in a booth and my fat roll rests on the table.

Mmmm...I love ham.

The Diva has spoken at 10:43 AM CST
Friday, December 31, 2004
Finally
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Lookit da pretty pictures
I finally got the Festivus! pictures posted into an album and I also added some to the Christmas album. Take a gander!

Festivus! album

Christmas album

The Diva has spoken at 12:30 PM CST

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