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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Let me entertain you
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I lifted this off of Apropos of Something and found it to be worthy of my blog. Because we're so high-falootin' around here at the Ramblings, right?

A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song, or album

B. Ask me three questions - no more, no less. You may ask anything you want. I reserve the right, however, to give you a not-so-true, smartass answer.

And while we're at it, I'll share with you this music meme that is going around, yet NO ONE has tagged me with it. So what's a girl to do when she finds herself eating with the trogs on the quad in Junior High, wishing herself into a life with the cool kids? She just steals the meme. Okay, so that made no sense and I think it was a flashback if I'm not mistaken. Anyway...here's the music meme:

10 Random Songs From My Music Files:
1. Blurry- Puddle of Mudd
2. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows Feat. Vanessa Carlton
3. The Surrey with the Fringe on Top - From the soundtrack of Oklahoma!
4. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
5. Let's Get it Started - Black Eyed Peas
6. My Lord and Master - from the soundtrack of The King and I
7. Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows (Shrek soundtrack)
8. Over and Over - Nelly Feat. Tim McGraw
9. Landslide - Dixie Chicks
10. Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver

Total amount of music files on my computer:
105.4 MB

Last CD I bought:
Heavier Things - John Mayer

Last song I listened to before this message:
The tail end of "1984" by Bowling for Soup
Now, "Since U Been Gone" by that American Idol chick...what is her name....

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. Only Love - The Statler Brothers (This song is just so pure and heart-touching that I can't help but tear up when I hear it.)
2. What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (My gosh, it IS a wonderful world, isn't it? This is going to be played at my funeral, btw.)
3. Please Come to Boston - David Allan Coe (My gosh, he loves her so much and she just can't go to him...)
4. Daughters - John Mayer (So honest and true)
5. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows (Dunno why - just like it.)

Tag! You're it:
1. Courtney
2. Tiff - my BFF
3. Christy - who you must all go check out because she's my friend AND the 6th person to blog because of little ol' me!!!

Okay, girls...show us your music!

And everyone, don't forget to do the first set of questions!!

The Diva has spoken at 2:36 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, February 12, 2005 2:37 PM CST
Let the tinkling begin
Mood:  on fire
Topic: It's a good thing
After Sis gained posession of the tickets, she stood at the box office visiting with the girl awhile. Heather mentioned how excited we are about the concert and how we would die if we actually met the man. The girl, very nonchalanatly (how COULD she be nonchalant about TRACE ADKINS!?!) said "Oh, Trace has been walking around out here all morning. He's wearing a nice buckskin jacket, has his hair pulled back in a ponytail (That ponytail - oh how I dream of that ponytail). Yeah, he's been out here in the casino off and on all morning. It's been awhile, he should be back out here in a bit." Heather said, "I...I gotta go!" And got in her car and drove to the bank to withdraw cash so she can go back to the casino to gamble in the off chance she might have the opportunity to MEET TRACE ADKINS. Oh my gosh. She is there right now gambling.

I asked her if she's tinkled yet. She said, "Oh sister, I will if I see him!"

I said, "You DO have paper for him to autograph, right?" She said, "Uhhhh....I have the thingy from Uncle Homer's funeral. Do you think he'd mind signing that?" I said, "You go RIGHT NOW and get some paper from the nice girl in the box office! And when you get his autograph you make sure to tell him your sister is a slut and will be here tonight."

The Diva has spoken at 1:18 PM CST
Menage' huh?
Mood:  on fire
Topic: It's a good thing
I just had a harried 3-way phone tag conversation with my sister and Courtney regarding picking up our tickets for the Trace Adkins concert which is TONIGHT. Courtney, bless her precious heart, picked up the tickets for us the night they went on sale, scoring us 4th row center tickets. We've since paid her back for them and she left them at the box office for us. Well, since that whole scenario was settled upon, we have now discovered that we will, in all likelihood, be running late tonight. So since Sis is in town she thought she'd pick them up now so we won't have to wait in line and risk missing one milisecond of Trace's rugged handsomeness. They wouldn't let her have them. So she called me and asked me to call Courtney while she tried to figure out the mess. Anyway, it's all fixed now and my sister has in her posession our 4th row tickets!!!!

Phone conversation that took place before the ticket confusion:
Phone rings
Diva: Hello dear sister!
Sis: I am at the Buffalo right now and there are tour busses and truck here as. I. speak.
Diva: (Unintelligible screams, screeches and squeals)
Sis: Yeah, me too
Diva: So can you see anything?
Sis: No...but they are moving HIS equipment in right. now.
Diva: (slightly swooning) I can't believe he's quite possibly there at this moment.
Sis: Me either. I could just tinkle.

The Diva has spoken at 12:36 PM CST
I should never be allowed to handle money again
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Things in life that suck
Yesterday morning I got the kids up and off to school. Since I don't watch Chandler on Fridays, I decided I was going to just hang out in my pj's, reading and maybe taking a nap. Sis and I had tossed around the possibility of going to Joplin the day before, but didn't really think it'd happen. I had just settled into my chair at 7:45 with a Louis Grizzard book when the phone rang. It was Sis saying she could go to Joplin. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to go, but man did that chair feel good... so I dragged myself up and slugged down the hall to take a shower. Kady didn't want her hair fixed, didn't want earrings in, didn't want to wear what I laid out, so we were later getting out the door than I had intended, but we made it. I picked up Sis, Gentry and her babysittin' baby and off we headed to Miami to get cash before we headed to the Joplin.

At the bank, I wrote a check for cash, handed it to the teller who said, "Do you know what the balance is in your account?" My heart did a little flip flop and I said, "It'd better be somewhere around $600." She shook her head and said, "No...it's in the negative." With strength comparable to what it takes to not take the last Oreo in the package, I kept the tears at bay while I told her that my husband was supposed to have made a night deposit before he went to work that morning, somewhere around 6:30am. Nope. She offered to let me use my overdraft protection and go ahead and get the cash, but I declined since I knew that that overdraft protection thing was nearly worn out on my account as of late.

Here's the story:
At the end of January I made a cash deposit of $600 for our truck payment. I didn't fill out a deposit slip because I didn't have any, but seeing as how I know all the tellers and babysit for one of the managers or whatever she is, I am like Norm from Cheers when I walk in. (Okay, I'm sure that everyone that banks at that oh so friendly bank feel that way - the girls make a huge effort to make you feel loved as you give them your money) Anyway, she just said she'd look me up by my SSN. Well, I have 2 accounts there. One is my old Pampered Chef account and hasn't been used in nearly 3 years and has a balance of $4.88. The other is our regular household account that we use too much. Guess where she put the $600. Yep, the wrong one.

NOW...had I been a good customer, responsible adult, I:
1.Would have filled out a deposit slip myself
2.Would have checked my receipt when she handed it to me.
3.Would have opened the freaking bank statement when I got it, thus allowing me to find this mistake a full week earlier than I did.

But people, we all know that I'm a dipshit and these things didn't happen.

What happens is that I get a notice in the mail of an overdraft. I grab the checkbook, everything's in order, the only thing I can figure is that a deposit was made just shortly after a check came through and that made it overdraw. I figured okay, no big, pay the $17.43 and go on. The next day - two more overdrafts. I called the automated phone line thing that could also qualify as pilates and cardio for your fingers and OH MY GOSH that $600 was not there!!!

Now, in my mind I knew I'd made the deposit. I never go in the lobby, usually I hit the drivethru, but that day I had $600 in twenties and Paul was with me, so I went inside. I visited with the teller a bit, looked at a whole roll of pictures of her new baby, etc. I KNEW I'd made that deposit. I tore my van apart looking for a receipt, which again is a testament to my irresponsibility, that was nowhere to be found. I dug through my trashcan which made me gag. I was crying. I was sweating. I was cussing. It was not pretty. So when Jill came to pick up Chandler and found her babysitter in a state of obvious mental duress, she asked what was wrong. Immediately she knew what had happened and told me how to fix it. She's a manager or some big muckity muck at that bank. I called the bank and got a service center in Tulsa. The woman was less than nice, but said she'd transfer the money right then. I asked about getting the NSF fees taken off since it wasn't my fault the money went into the wrong account. She explained that it was indeed my fault because I didn't check my receipt, etc, but I was more than welcome to speak with someone from my branch. Well, the chick that I needed to talk to was busy and the teller took my number and said she'd call back. I waited an hour and no call. Then life went on. We had slumber parties all weekend and being the irresponsible dipshit I am, I kinda forgot.

Come Monday morning we've accumulated 7 overdrafts and two checks have been returned, unbeknownst to me. But Jill asks out of sheer politleness... when I tell her that I was never called back she said, "Oh that's not right - I'll get you some of those NSF fees back when I get to work." Groovy - thank you Jill! Well later in the day I happen to call the bank's automated line again and then discover that the heifer at the service center NEVER TRANSFERRED THAT $600. I called Jill immediately and she said, "Oh now you are SO getting every fee refunded!" Then when I told her that one of the checks that was returned was to Wal-Mart where my husband is employed and if we write bad checks to them they FIRE HIM. She refunded me over $100 in NSF fees, wrote a letter to Wal-Mart explaining the whole deal and then extolled the virtues of checking your receipt which I WILL NOW DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR.

But then on Thursday I tried to write a check to Wal-Mart and they declined my check. While I was standing in an express lane. With two kids who were hungry. With only $20 in my pocket. I had to have the cashier call my husband in the breakroom who mumbled an expletive into the phone and said he'd be up there as quick as he could. It was even more embarrassing when she said, "Hoover? Paul Hoover? Works in Automotive? I KNOW him!" Yeah, great. Glad you do. Meanwhile the line was growing behind me, full of people who were shifting from foot to foot, sighing loudly and rolling their eyes. If I hadn't been so mortified I'd have been a real bitch and said something, but as it was, I just stood there blinking back tears. Turns out he had forgotten to bring the letter from the bank to work with him that day.

(Sidenote: Two irresponsible people should never marry and have a bank account together.)

Then yesterday I got the whole negative balance again. I stormed out to my van, grabbed my cell phone and wasn't even nice when I said called the store and said, "Let me talk to Paul." I wasn't very nice to him either. He said, "Oh. I thought I'd just make that deposit after work." I yelled. I cussed. I made the kids' ears bleed with all the profanity escaping my mouth. So then I had to go to Wal-Mart, pick up the deposit and take it back to the bank and FINALLY get my money. What happened was an automatic debit came through in the midst of all the overdraftednes and I'd forgotten about it (which I normally NEVER do)and it threw us into the red again. But I made the deposit, checked to make sure the balance was positive again and finally got my cash to go to Joplin. All that for $25 in cash. Holy shit.

Add all that drama onto the fact that we are $672 over on our cash flow plan and it's been a financially horrendous week. I just wish I was luckier at the casinos. Man, wouldn't it be nice to put in $10 of their money on Ladies' Night, hit a $52,000 jackpot and live happily ever after? Hey, it's happened so I can continue to dream.

In the meantime, I'll just make sure I check my receipt at the bank. Several times. Over and over. With a magnifying glass. And a notary public.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 AM CST
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Here's a question
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
Have any of y'all ever had problems with vertigo?

I seem to be plagued with it all of the sudden and it's starting to not be remotely amusing anymore. I mean, it never really amusing to begin with, but now I'm just tired of it.

Oh yeah and when I say "vertigo", I don't mean a retarded song by U2 where Bono can't even count right. Hmm...maybe he is the one telling the dudes teaching the financial management course what order to go in.

Anyway. The dizzy kind of vertigo...

It's been really bad. I nearly dropped Kady the other night because it hit out of the blue while I had 36 pounds of preschooler in my arms. About 30 minutes after that particular episode I ended up running to the bathroom to begin a 20 minute session of
1. bend over toilet
2. barf
3. stand up
4. get smacked upside the head with a wave of dizziness that of course leads to nausea.
Start over again with #1 and repeat five times.

It was bad. The dizziness hasn't been so bad today, but the nausea is still there.

This is how bad it is: I took a pregnancy test yesterday.

Yeah. That bad. And no, I'm not pregnant. Or at least according to the little stick that soaked up my urine then swept a pretty pink wave of color into the little windows, I'm not.

If anyone out there reading this has any knowledge regarding vertigo and the non-stop nauseousness that plagues me, I would greatly appreciate any input and help you could give. If you're just browsing through because Blog Explosion sent you my way, yet you DO have knowledge of vertigo, could you leave me a comment before you go about your merry way? I'm desperate here.

The Diva has spoken at 11:43 PM CST
Being poor is SO overrated.
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
Okay, so Sis and I are taking this financial management course ya know. And they give us homework. So today was payday for Mr. Diva and I both. I told him that after the kids went to bed that we'd sit down and work out our cash flow plan together, see how it all goes, etc. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, we are in the hole $672 every month!!!

I mean, I KNEW we were broke, but to see it on paper....man.

I'm so frustrated, depressed, confused, angry...hell I don't know my ass from my elbow, my ass from a hole in the ground, shit from shinola, "come'ere" from "sic 'em", apples from DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE $672 IN THE HOLE EVERY FUCKING MONTH???????????

I apologize right now to any former teachers, parents of my childhood friends, religious personnel and to my mother, for my foul-assed language. Sometimes it's gotta come out, folks.

I called my sister who is so on fire for this class and had her plan figured out weeks ago and man, she understands it and she's just better with numbers period. I called her at 9:30 and she was in bed, but swears she wasn't asleep. I was desperate or I'd have really intended on hanging up when I said, "Oh gosh, sorry! I'll let you go!" when I just really needed to talk. THANK GOD she was insistent upon my staying on the line. I told her that it just wasn't making sense - the whole zero budget bullshit, the putting money in savings when you can't even pay the sonofabitchin' electric bill, figuring your "non-acceptable" pro-rata payments based on "excess cash" each month, but have I mentioned that $672 that we seem to NOT HAVE?? How can you figure out what your pro-rata payment to a non-acceptable creditor is WHEN ANYTHING TIMES ZERO IS NOTHING?

The relief in her voice was so very obvious when she said, "I'm sorry you're $672 in the hole, but my GOSH I'm glad this isn't making sense to you either!"

We're jumping around in the book and the workbook. Seems to me if the dude that wrote it actually put chapters 4,5,6,7,8 and 9 BEFORE chapter 10 that quite possibly he meant for us to read them IN. THAT. ORDER. Quite possibly. But no, last weeks' homework was Chapter's 1-3 and 10.

I'M SO CONFUSED.

Paul kept getting more and more pissed because here I've convinced the man that this is going to work and we are going to eliminate our debt and we're going to pay CASH for that trip to Disney World in 2008, yet all of the sudden we're $672 in the red? My stomach got all tied up in knots, my eyes started watering, my head began pounding and all I could do was say, "Sorry honey. Really. I'm just sorry. Go watch some fishing or something and contemplate which set of dishes you want when you divorce my sorry incapable-of-making-a-wise-financial-decision-to-save-my-life ass."

He did go watch fishing. Whether he contemplated place-settings is unknown at this juncture. I hope he doesn't take the good ones. I'll need to sell them to pay off the mountain of debt, not to mention the regular ol' important necessities like oh, electric, water and the internet.

The Diva has spoken at 11:32 PM CST
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
Let them eat cake!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I just had to share a picture of the cake I made last night. I hardly ever make them because, frankly they are a pain in the ass. But they're so pretty and everyone just ooh's and aah's, so it's almost kinda worth it.



Voila'!


The Diva has spoken at 10:48 PM CST
Monday, February 7, 2005
Tupperware doesn't "burp", it "whispers"
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Rambling much
"Diva, why on earth are you posting to your blog at 9:09 pm on a Monday night? Aren't you supposed to be at the Big Fancy Casino losing money and in general just spreading your unluckiness around?"

Well, yes, Dear Reader...that is my normal Monday night activity, but tonight I am at home. I had forgotten that wrestling comes on on Mondays. Wow. I had forgotten that Monday nights used to be the nights that I watched WWE until my eyes finally started doing that crossy thing and I'd doze on the couch until Mr. Diva would try to wake me up for his version of a WWE match. (Except, unlike those guys on TV, we were always naked...) Usually I'd just feign utter exhaustion and sleep on the couch, though. Ahhh...but those were the days before Ladies' Night at the Big Fancy Casino. Now I come in from the casino reeking of cigarette smoke, all sulled up because I didn't win shit again and he usually doesn't even attempt sex on Monday nights.

My Tupperware party ran late, which I knew was going to happen. They always run late, even when you try hard to not let them. I sold Pampered Chef for four years, I know these things. We had SUCH a good time, though! It was so nice seeing Kim again, who now has two GROWN UP children. *sob* She was still the same Kim we all had grown to love when I was having a T-ware party on the average of every 2 months. (Why didn't I save my money back then - back when I had it??? Oh yeah, because I had it.) My friend, Chloe, booked a party and I need one more person (hint hint - any takers?) to book so I can get this incredibly nifty serving platter set, which I have never laid eyes on, but I oh so have to have them! They're FREE for cryin' out loud, so I now have an obsession with these platter thingies.

You should've seen my mom...OMG, she was hilarious the closer it got to 8:00. She was the one who swore she'd leave promptly at 8 even if a burping was in process. Well, this woman had tickets, by golly and she wasn't leaving until the drawing had taken place. She had her tickets laid out on my end table, in numerical order no less, was sitting on the edge of her chair, fauching at the bit and tapping her foot. The mean part of me wanted to drag things out just a little longer... She didn't win, btw. Didn't matter to her though - at that point she was too worried about making it to Miami in time for her free play. Heather was hot on her heels, with two crying, cranky children in tow who just weren't quite done playing yet. The things we do for free money on Ladies' Night.

Mr. Diva of course had to push that marital bliss envelope just as far as he could, even after a rather vehement request to be back before 8:00 so I'd be assured a chance to make it to town. He sauntered through the door at 8:20. By the time everyone left it was 8:30 and I had plenty of time to get there. Okay plenty is an exaggeration - it takes 22 minutes to get there, so it was pushing it, but still do-able. He said I could go if I put the kids to bed. No way I could've accomplished that. It wasn't worth the stress and strain. So he'll just have to be understanding tomorrow night if I happen to get tied up at my financial management class and he mysteriously doesn't make it on time to Men's Night at the Lucky Turtle. He'll also have to be understanding if I am just "too exhausted" from all the cleaning I did today, plus hosting a party, to play WWE with him tonight. He'll just have to get over it, won't he?

Put that in your selfish pipe and smoke it, Mr. Diva. Hah! Two can play at this game we call Twelve Years of Marriage. I may not win all the time, but I still have the only vagina in this relationship and it seems to be a pretty popular item and I ain't afraid to use my ownership of it to get what I want or to get even.

The Diva has spoken at 9:35 PM CST
Updated: Monday, February 7, 2005 9:45 PM CST
Sunday, February 6, 2005
Happy Birthday, Mr. Diva!!
Mood:  loud
Topic: Rambling much
We just got in about an hour from all the gambling festivities for Mr. Diva's birthday. He came home with a whole $20. One thing about that man of mine, he certainly plays what he has, lol. He started out doing well, only playing half of the free play they gave, but then he got all greedy and lost it all. I'm glad he gets pissed easily and quits playing to go pout. Otherwise he'd get into trouble.

Mom made a huge pan of ribs for lunch and Sis, Bub, and Paul's mom also came out to eat. The ribs were awesome. I also made a big ol' skillet of calico potatoes and man, did they ever taste good, too.

I yelled at Mr. Diva during lunch and felt pretty bad about it later. I mean, I did yell at the dude in front of his mom. That was wrong of me. I gotta remember to apologize for that... But I told him and told him to nail that stupid piece of facing back down and as a result of him NOT doing it, I now have 3 holes in my white 3/4 sleeve shirt, dammit.

Ab woke me up at 1:30 this morning saying she had to puke. Man, why do they DO that?? Why can't they just go do it on their own THEN come tell me? I have a knee-jerk reaction to throw my hand in front of my face when the kids wake me up during the night because I have a deep-seated fear of getting a face full of barf. Poor thing didn't quite make it to the trash can, ugh. I got her cleaned up, the floor cleaned up, the trash can cleaned up and then made her a pallet on the couch. I slept the rest of the night beside her in the big chair, but she didn't throw up again. We all slept till 9 this morning which is unheard of in the Diva house, I must say. I think we had all just had a busy weekend and we were all pooped. Ab woke up famished, ate some toast and drank some Dr. Pepper for breakfast and was fine the rest of the day. I think 3 days of nothing but junk food was the cause of the mid-night ralph fest. Poor thing.

This is awful, but the first thing I thought of when she woke me up saying she was sick was "Oh crap, how am I gonna clean puke out of the top bunk of that frickin' bunk bed???" Fortunately that wasn't an issue. Whew.

Courtney called this afternoon to tell me that the Big Fancy Casino has a graveyard shift slot tech position open, which is EXACTLY what I was hoping would open up when I applied. But now I also have an application in with the new motel in town! Decisions, decisions. Of course, I obsess much and have been in a knot all afternoon. Should I inquire about the casino job or wait till the motel calls? What if the motel doesn't call, even though the guy said he would? What if I take the casino job and the motel guy calls the next day? What if the casino job pays more than the motel job, even though the motel job is what I want to do with my life in the future when I finally get the balls to go back to school and get a degree? (If that were the case, I'm sure I'd take the motel job anyway. I think.) Am I really capable of getting a "real" job after 11 years as a housewife/stay at home mom? Listen to me talking like both places are knocking down the door to get at me. Geez. I really do need a job, though. Simple as that. Gosh, being a grownup sucks big ones sometimes.

Tomorrow night I'm having a Tupperware party. I have a long-term relationship with my T-ware lady, Kim. I started having parties with her when I was pregnant with Abby, that's how far we go back. I haven't had one since we moved to this house, though. I got all caught up in the Pampered Chef action and neglected my T-ware lady. Shame on me. But I'm excited about it. I love Tuppeware! When I told my sister about the party she exclaimed, "WHY on EARTH would you schedule a party on LADIES' NIGHT YOU IDIOT???? I'll just tell you right now, I won't be there." I assured her that Kim had already been informed that I run with a group of hard-core Ladies' Nighters and at promptly 8:00 there would be a mass exodus out my front door. She assured me that we'd be done. My mom emailed me to RSVP and said, "I'll be there, but I'm leaving at 8:00 even if the Tupperware lady is in mid-burp." I doubt I go to the casino tomorrow night, though. I think I'll just take the night off. Not like I win anything anyway. Eh.

Sis bought Paul's and my dinner at Dairy Queen tonight. I am a whore for Hardee's Mushroom and Swiss burger, so when I saw a big sign for DQ's Mushroom Swiss Char-burger I was SO THERE. Wish I hadn't been there so much. It sucked. What a freaking disappointment. AND WHERE ARE THE DAMN THUNDERSTORMS WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET TODAY??? And I'm still pretty pissed about the 3 gaping holes in my shittin' white shirt. My hair is fuzzy from the 9000% humidity. My favorite jeans were so tight when I put them on this morning that after I stopped sobbing I took them off, threw them across the room and put on my sweats. I considered setting fire to them right then and there, but decided that since they are my favorite jeans I'd give them a second chance. It's really not their fault, I guess. I drank 3 Mountain Dews on the casino run tonight because only the Big Fancy Casino carries Coke products and I will not let the likes of Pepsi pass these diva lips. Now I have a headache from doin' the Dew. Husband is going to want sex tonight because it's his birthday and he seems to think he deserves it or something. I would rather stab myself in the left eye repeatedly with an expensive Cross pen full of alcohol that had been laced with cyanide. That's how much I don't want to do it tonight.

Oh yeah, btw - I have PMS. Couldja tell?

The Diva has spoken at 11:51 PM CST
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Post Flumber party or Pre Super Bowl post
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Like I give a flying crap about the Super Bowl really.

The Flumber Party was last night and we had a great time. The girls did, too, I'm sure.

No really, a good time was had by all in attendance. We had a super short meeting as far as doing the GS Promise, Pledge of Allegiance and the Brownie Circle, talked about our weeks, talked about the badges we were earning, etc. Then we ate pizza, which I ordered a ton of. While we ate cake, the girls played. Christy and I related the hilarious story from File Girl that had us all nearly peeing our pants from laughing so hard. We spent the night alternating between letting the girls run wild to bringing them in for some organized stuff. We didn't accomplish everything I had intended for them to, but regardless of that, they had a blast.

Bless Riley's mom's heart - she brought Mulan 2. All was right with the world. It really was pretty good. Of course, I'm a big fan of Mulan anyway.

The girls all crashed around midnight. The three moms that stayed, plus my mom, stayed up and talked till 2 or so. By then I was yawning more than I was talking and said that I was going to have to go to bed. Then of course, we all laid there in the dark talking and giggling for another half hour. The girls slept till nearly 8 this morning, which I considered a special Brownie miracle, courtesy of the Flumber Fairy, I believe. Then when they all woke up, they chose to pester Grammy who was back in my bed. This allowed us three mommies to sleep another 45 minutes or so.

Pancakes and bacon ensued, then we sent all the kiddies outside to enjoy the freakishly warm 60' February weather.

Heather, being the better daughter and financial management class student (We call those kids "teacher's pet", I believe, and I don't think we like them), figured up Mom's plan to elminate her debt in a mere 20 months. Hah. She hasn't figured up mine yet. She has herself figured up to be out of debt in 22 months. Again, I scoff her with a Hah. When we put forth more than you bring in, there is no getting out of debt. Which sucks.

This afternoon we watched Napoleon Dynamite. Mom didn't laugh not one single time. (I also got an offline from my friend Stacie today, asking me that if she didn't like it, could we still be friends. Geez, people.) So the rest of the afternoon as Heather and I so annoyingly quoted lines from the movie, Mom still wasn't amused. But by the time she left she did answer a question with, "I caught you a delicious bass." It was pretty funny.

Here's the A #1 Best Part of the Day:
We are building a playhouse! I even had the balls to call my mother in law and ask her if she would kindly consider putting the money she was going to spend on the kids a Mule instead on lumber to help build this playhouse. Technically, she'd be money ahead on the playhouse. She agreed! So in two weeks construction will begin. I am psyched and will chronicle the construction, as I'm sure you'll all be so eager to follow. Hey, if you're not, pretend, k?

Well, tomorrow is Mr. Diva's birthday (42 - Egad!) and we're having ribs for lunch then going gambling. What an awesome day it might be. Mom walked out of the casino on her birthday with $103, Christy left with $200 and I, being the typical loser I am regarding all things gaming, left with $61. Here's hoping Mr. Diva fares better than I did and more like everyone else!

The Diva has spoken at 8:27 PM CST
Friday, February 4, 2005
I still got it
Mood:  sharp
Topic: All in the family
Tonight is the Brownie Flumber Party.

Five Brownies, one Jr Brownie (that would be Kady Princess), four mommmas, one Grammy and it looks like one pissed off daddy. Mr. Diva won't find some place to go tonight, so he is going to be here. Yeah, that is going to go over well. He stated hatefully last night, "Well, it's MY home and I'll be here if I want. I'll just go to bed!" I said, "That's all well and good but I will not make them be quiet. Hell, there's no way to make 6 little girls BE quiet. This is their slumber party and they are going to have fun. You're in for a long, loud night, dear. And not THAT kind of long, loud night, either."

He has no clue what he is subjecting himself to. No clue. I think it's kinda funny. Oh and then when he realized I wasn't going to cancel the party so he could rule his quiet home once more, he said, "Well fine! I'm going to invite all my guy friends over and we're going to play cards all night and drink beer and fart and... and... stuff!" I didn't even look up from the computer, I just said, "Fine. I've been trying to get you to do that for years. It'll be fun. Just let me know when you want to do it so I can make some food."

As he stormed out of my office he muttered, "Son of a BITCH." Oh yeah, I still got it.

The Diva has spoken at 9:52 AM CST
Professional Day is just another way to say Parental Torture
Mood:  sharp
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The kids are home from school today. They are not making this a good day. Already I've had to break out the oh so heinous punishment of "Kiss Your Sibling". Yep, when they are so bad with the fighting and bickering and arguing I make them apologize, hug, then kiss. They hate it. But sometimes, sometimes, it makes them quit. Today, however, it hasn't.

Poor McKenzie. Another day of therapy for that kid.

*deep shaky drag on her cigarette* "Man, they just kept AT each other! The fighting...it was awful. Afwul. And their mother. Oh that poor woman... she was so beyond help that she sat at her computer for a solid hour in her pajamas. I think she was trying to ignore them *another deep drag* but man, how can you ignore something like that? You CAN'T, man...you can't."

I should probably just go ahead and write her mom a check for at least two therapy sessions right now. It's the least I can do.

Speaking of therapy and kissing family members...
Awhile back Sam and Gentry, my nephew, were fighting. Not just bickering, but all out WWE Smackdown stuff. I had gotten onto them repeatedly and they just kept right on. Then someone got hurt and the fighting became bloody out of anger. I busted them both, sat them in chairs and when everyone had quit crying I told them to hug. Then kiss. The looks on those poor boys' faces was of pure horror. They looked at each other and then at me and you could see fight or flight being considered. Finally, after threats of more spankings and a call to Gent's momma and possibly a grounding, they kissed each other quickly on the cheek and Sam fled to his room. Gentry just sat there, his face covered with his hands. I left the room, walked around the corner and silently laughed till tears rolled down my cheeks. A little bit later I walked back into the living room to find Gentry sitting in the same position. I said, "Buddy, you aren't in trouble anymore. You can go play." Nothing. "Gent? You okay?"

"No, Aunt Kiki! I'm not okay! I keep remembering that KISS!!"

*deep drag on his cigarette* "Man, we were just blowin' off some steam, wrestlin' and stuff and then someone got hurt...can't remember which one of us...and my aunt *drags shakily* man, she swatted us both. That wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt. But man...when she made us KISS. Dude, that is JUST NOT RIGHT."

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Friday, February 4, 2005 9:49 AM CST
Thursday, February 3, 2005
I turned up in a Google search - who knew
Mood:  special
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Oh wow...I just accidently found the page that shows referrers to my blog. Yikes.

One was someone looking for a photo of the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak. Understandable seeing as how I posted awhile back about my confectionary village and snow days of my youth.

One was just me showing up in a search for "redneck" Yeah buddy. I'm that for sure. Even if the title didn't blatantly state it.

But the last one was just icky. Icky I tell you. I see how it picked up my site, but IEW. I wish it hadn't.

Now I may very well become a slave to not only my counter, but my referring pages as well. I'm just too easy. Can anyone say "addictive personality"?

The Diva has spoken at 11:30 PM CST
Funny kids
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: The freaking Outfreakingdoor freaking Channel - what else?
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The kids do not have school tomorrow, so Ab's friend McKenzie is spending the night tonight. This poor child is an Only and very adamant about staying an Only, so to throw her into my rather loud and rambunctious house o' children... Well, let's just say that she'll get her money's worth out of that therapy session. She's a good kid, I gotta say and we all love her to pieces. Tonight the four children and I loaded up and headed to the Wal-Mart for paper plates, ice cream and a loaf of bread. Then it was off to the video store to get Mulan 2 for the flumber party and Karate Kid for the boys' sleepover. My three children were obviously listening to the voices in their heads that tell them to act as horrible as humanly possible, thus embarrassing their mother and their houseguest, making people all over the store stare at them and then shake their heads in utter disdain and making their mother have a strange recurring tic on the left side of her face. Poor McKenzie stuck close to me the entire time we were in there. I wouldn't have wanted to be associated with them either. Little shits. Mulan 2 was all checked out and Ab cried. Man. Wasn't fair to her that Bubby's movie was in and hers wasn't. Man. She wanted to go to the other video store, but I told her no, we only rent from this one. On and on she kept badgering me. I was tired. So here's the testament to my inept mothering skills: She kept on and on and finally I said, "Abby! Dadgummit! We don't rent from the other video store because I owe them money and have for a year and I'm sure they have red-flagged me and if I walk through the doors I'm liable to be arrested! Now! Do you really want me to go check over there for Mulan 2???" She'll probably get her money's worth out of that therapy session as well, because it seems that lately I'm doing everything I can to assure my kids a life-long Christmas-card-sending relationship with their therapist.

**********************************

But here are the funny things that happened this evening--

McKenzie was telling us this over dinner: "One time I looked up in the sky and there was these three helicopters flyin' and guys was droppin down out of `em. Or almost. And I got kinda scared. I watched `em. And then I thought 'Well, the war's come to town.' Later I told my Granny that the war was comin' to town - look at those helicopters - and she said, '`Kenzie, those are birds.' I felt kinda silly."

********

Sam, not to be one-upped, started telling a story about a huge buck walking out of the brush here on our property. He was describing in vivid detail how it sounded when the beast emerged from the thicket. The girls were riveted. Then suddenly Abby came to a realization. "Hey! That wasn't even you that happened to! It was me!"

"Oh. Yeah."

********

McKenzie asked, "You wanna see a picture of my boyfriend? Cuz I got one." She unsnapped the oh so convenient pocket on the leg of her jeans and pulls out a picture of the magnificent Tristen. It's a picture of the boy with a clipboard holding his artwork, artwork is tacked up on the backdrop behind him. It's really a neat picture. I said, "Oh, does he draw? Is he an artist?" McKenzie said, "Oh yes, he's a great draw-er. He draws some purty neat stuff." Abby concurred, "Yeah, he draws this football skull thing that is awesome, dude. Yeah...that Tristen, he's one cool man." I said, "Abby, he's 8. He is not a man." She shrugged, took a bite of her grilled cheese sandwich and said, "Well, he likes it when we call him a man. So we do."

********

When we got home from town everyone was tired and I sent them all back to get their pj's on. All three girls went to the girls' room and shut the door. Sam changed in the living room then felt compelled to run at top speed down the hall and fling open the door to the girls' room. Of course, you know that screams and squeals came forth. He giggled and ran away, then ran back. I said, "Sam Hoover! What in the world are you doing!? It is not appropriate for a boy to go into a room when young ladies are changing clothes! They don't have shirts on!" He said, "So? I don't have a shirt on either." I said, "True, but you don't have boobies." He shrugged and said, "Neither do they."

The Diva has spoken at 11:11 PM CST
Excerpt from a chat
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
This is just how twisted my friend, Stacie, and I are. We chatted until after 10 last night and both of us got so goofy it wasn't even funny. This piece of dialogue from last night is a prime example of how we are together and always have been.

The conversation started when she said she is supposed to create 13 scrapbooks for her class at daycare by the end of the schoolyear. She and I both loathe scrapbooking. Loathe, people.

methinksgreen: what a crock
redneck_diva73: screw that
methinksgreen: we are of like thinking
methinksgreen: one of our kids' mom let us look at some of her scrapbooking mags. omg
methinksgreen: it's like a whole little cult out there, isn't it?
redneck_diva73: they are a race all their own
redneck_diva73: i do not get the allure
methinksgreen: me either
redneck_diva73: there is no draw for me
methinksgreen: and i love pictures
methinksgreen: i love to take them, i love to look at them
redneck_diva73: but i don't like foo-foo'in 'em all up in a fancy album with 40 gazillion little heart and flowers and baby bottles and then writing a half a novel about each picture
methinksgreen: oh, i am so glad i have someone to bash scrapbooks with
redneck_diva73: *high five*
redneck_diva73: i just don't get it.
methinksgreen: and i love paper, too. strange how my obsessions can come so close to others yet never cross that line
methinksgreen: i can spend HOURS in the pen & paper at wal-mart
redneck_diva73: i have a pen fetish
redneck_diva73: a new pen will just about give me an orgasm
redneck_diva73: okay, that was a little overexaggerated
redneck_diva73: but i still like pens
methinksgreen: now, i new pen that vibrated. THAT would give you an orgasm
redneck_diva73: HELLA YEAH
methinksgreen: OH, OH! Kristin! Here's what you and I can do!
methinksgreen: Enjoy a Mardi Gras cropping party!
methinksgreen: oh, what fun we could have
redneck_diva73: WTF???? are you drinking?
methinksgreen: no, not drinking, but being as sarcastic as all get out
redneck_diva73: LOL
methinksgreen: lol
redneck_diva73: oh that's funny. you and i should crash a crop some night
redneck_diva73: heckle the scrappers
methinksgreen: oh, MAN, we could SO do that
redneck_diva73: "accidently" blow all their paper and die-cuts onto the floor
redneck_diva73: start slopping ill-cut pictures onto pages, writing in crayon......
redneck_diva73: oh man that would be fun
methinksgreen: we could use the real fumy kind of crazy glue to do our pictures!
redneck_diva73: OMG they would all gasp in horror
methinksgreen: flap our hands in the air when the pages got stuck to our thumbs
redneck_diva73: i can hear the hushed conversation around the room ..... "it's not lignin free! can you believe them?" " oh gosh, dorothy....that book's gonna go to pot in 3 or 4 years....tsk tsk"
redneck_diva73: that would be a riot
methinksgreen: i would bring my acid-filled blank pages with the clingy film covers and cram about 8 to 10 pictures on an 8 X 10 sheet
LOL

redneck_diva73: ROFL
redneck_diva73: someone would faint
methinksgreen: wua-lah, dorthy! i'm done! You are STILL on that first page? What the heck have you been doing all this time? I just filled an entire 32 page album!
redneck_diva73: then knock a coke over and just drown the book
methinksgreen: oops! my bad!
redneck_diva73: pick it up, all drippin'.....swing it across the table......
redneck_diva73: watch them all scatter
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
redneck_diva73: heehee
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
redneck_diva73: we are evil
methinksgreen: we are
methinksgreen: the evil trolls of scrapbooking
redneck_diva73: i like that!
methinksgreen: and, we could man handle all their pictures before they could use them, or even after they've finished a page, with our fingers after eating pizza. pizza with no forks or napkins
redneck_diva73: i feel a new screen name being born... the_evil_troll_of_scrapbooking...

The Diva has spoken at 11:34 AM CST
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
Redneck Diva, you're a bad American
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Rambling much
I feel kind of guilty for promptly turning my TV off at 8:00 this evening. I love W., don't get me wrong, but I am just not that politically enthused. Politickin' was fun when my uncle was running for state representative and we were wearing T-shirts and passin' out snowcones at the fair, but that's about as far as I go with the whole politics thing in general. I vote, I gotta give myself that. At least I don't COMPLETELY suck at being an American. But the prospect of sitting there watching our President talk about the state of the union, our great nation, just makes me start yawning. I guess I really am a bad American - I feel like hey, I'm protected, I'm free, I'm able to worship, believe and speak however I so choose, my kids are free and happy and healthy and I'll just sit here in my warm, cozy home and be all kinds of oblivious. Yep, bad American.

Poor husband was asleep before the previews for next week's all new episode of Lost came on, bless his heart. I shuffled children to the back of the house, turned off the TV, tucked in 3 very tired kiddos, poured myself a glass of tea and headed out here to the computer. It's now 9:41 and here I sit still. I haven't done anything cataclysmic or even really all that fun. Checked all my blogs, even the ones I don't get to hit each and every day, did some business research, did some financing research and thought that I should post something on here. Yet strangely, I couldn't think of much to say.

Okay...so you got my bad American schpiel. I chronicled the events of the past hour and 45 minutes at my computer....yep, that's pretty much it.

I'm chatting with my friend, Stacie, while I type this. We hardly ever get to chat anymore. We went to the movies awhile back and that was the first time we'd seen each other in ages. We're friends, yet we don't hang anymore. Is this what happens when you get old? If it is, I don't like it. I mean, I love her and we're still good friends, but we just don't hang out anymore. And is it sad that I'm 32 and saying "hanging out"?

Sigh

It snowed today. It was really pretty, snowed hard several different times. But the temp hung right around 32,33 degrees all day. Tonight there is no snow. Just mud. Now we have the typical Oklahoma, post-snow mud hole that we call "our yard".

Tomorrow's Brownies. We're having a Brownie/Mom slumber party on Friday night, which I'm really looking forward to. The girls are gonna have a blast, I'm sure. So tomorrow night's meeting will be deciding what badges we're going to work on and complete at the party, what kind of pizza we all want and hopefully someone will bring pediatric sedatives for the children. After midnight, this mom/Brownie leader goes all to shit quick. Plus I get cranky. They wouldn't like me when I'm angry. We are renting Mulan 2, though...and I'm excited about that. Mulan is the ultimate girl power chick.

During the slumber party, the boys are being excommunicated to my sister's house for a night of karate class, followed by The Karate Kid. Sam is so excited about it he can hardly handle it. Poor Uncle Bubba is going to have to endure The Karate Kid...that guy deserves a medal. I'm not sure what my husband is going to do to entertain himself. He's already announced he will not be partaking in the Karate Kid festival. He sure ain't allowed here, though. He'd be shoved back out the door by 5 giggling, squealing Brownies and a 3-year-old who has repeatedly informed him that "You are a boy. You are NOT coming to the flumber party." Yeah. Put that in your testosterone-filled pipe and smoke it, big boy - you're not invited to the flumber party!

Speaking of my weird husband... Sunday is the Super Bowl. Or so I'm told. I'm not a football fan, obviously. Neither is Mr. Diva either. One of the casinos is supposedly going to have the Hooter girls at their Super Bowl party. The man has no desire to see neither the Super Bowl nor the Hooter girls. What's wrong with this picture??? Now, if they were hosting a skeet shoot, fart contest, and givin' away nudie girl mud flaps, plus giving out free Copenhagen, trucker hats and the Hooter girls were outfitted in hunter orange and camo, he'd be all over it. But alas...they're not. And he likes boobies! Why can't he just go sit there and look at the boobies all night? He doesn't have to watch the football! I just don't get it.

Of course, I have no desire to see the Chippendales. They're going to be at the Big Fancy Casino this Monday night. Naked, shaved, shiny pretty boys...nope. I just don't get it.

Oops, the smoke detector just went off. Did not EVEN wake up the kids. Pissed husband off, though. Pissed him off that it was going off and I didn't yank the battery out. Hello - I'm 5'2"! Like I'm going to be able to reach the ceiling! He said something nasty about me being on the (expletive) computer. Wouldn't matter if I was mopping, baking or cleaning the toilet, darling. I still can't reach the smoke detector.

Okay, now he's throwing things around because I'm still on the (expletive) computer. That's my cue to exit Stage Honey I'm Sorry I Can't Reach the Ceiling.

The Diva has spoken at 10:23 PM CST
How much you wanna bet I can throw this football over that mountain?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
UncleR
Uncle Rico
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Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
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The Diva has spoken at 9:08 AM CST
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
Highlights
Mood:  silly
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Brief overview of the day:

* Trip to Tulsa - uneventful. Hit the last of morning rush hour, but handled it with skill, grace and poise. Yesssssss.

* Visit with cardiologist - smashingly GREAT. Ab's heart is still fine, she is considered 100% healthy and normal and we never have to see that wonderful doctor again.

* Lunch with oldest daughter - precious. We ate at McDonald's (where else) and just enjoyed a rather shockingly grown up conversation. She talked to me over her apple dippers like she'd talk to a girlfriend. We shared, we laughed, I nearly bawled when it hit me just how big she's getting.

*Drive home - uneventful.

*Afternoon at sister's house - nice. Hung out, laughed, played with her adorable little babysittin' baby, ate Dippin' Strips (It's pizza people. Cut into strips. Entirely overrated.) and she paid. Yessssssssss.

* Parent Teacher Conferences - Wonderful! My daughter has the most beautiful cursive handwriting I've ever seen, (I'm glad that cursive is what she'll use in the adult world, because from the looks of her printing, she was gonna have problems) is still a wonderful reader, happy and well-adjusted. My son is a superstar reader as well, a super wonderful precious child with empathy, compassion and leadership abilities that well surpass those of any other 6 year old I know. (Stop me if I'm making y'all nauseous from all the bragging.)

* First class of 12-week financial management course - Started out not so good, but ended up hysterical.

*Trip to Wal-Mart - Hilarious. It always is with my sister.

****************************************
Best parts of the day:
**When my sister was oh so delicately trying to ask a question during the finance mgt class about what if someone you know has a spouse who just flat refuses to cooperate and won't hand over his paycheck and won't follow a budget. I'm listening along, wondering who in the world is she asking about. Of course, everyone in the room thinks she's really asking for herself, even though she repeatedly said she wasn't. When she finally, after fielding question after question about her "friend", said, "Look, okay? This person's husband is a redneck and has his own ways of doing things and she can't make him cooperate!" When she said "redneck" I looked up with shock and realized, "Oh shit, she's talking about ME!" I slowly raised my hand and felt everyone in the room look at me as I said, "Okay, I'M the one married to the redneck she's talking about." She turned red, sorry she just pretty much told the class that her brother in law is a stubborn money-hoarder. I just patted her on the shoulder and said, "You really are a good sister." And she is. But man, was it funny watching her dig that whole. We laughed hysterically all the way to Wal-Mart.

**When standing in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart, I asked my sister "So, how much do you think what I have on the belt there is gonna cost?" She looked it all over and said, "Eh, $110." I said, "Oh crap I hope not! I only have $43 in my checkbook!" She laughed and so did the cashier. When the total was finally declared, it came to a mere $37. I said, "Yesssss! I didn't have to write a hot check! Of course, now I can't pay the electric bill...." She very sympathetically said, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Our gas has been AWFUL this year!" The cashier stopped in mid-scan and I stopped in mid-putting a sack in the cart and she stopped and said, "OHHHH! I meant our gas BILL has been bad! BILL!! Gas BILL!"

The Diva has spoken at 10:49 PM CST
Tuesday's post-Ladies' Night post
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
[ ] I won a HUMONGOUS amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino last night.

[ ] I won a small amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino last night.

[ ] I won a moderate amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino last night.

[X] I didn't win shit at the Big Fancy Casino last night.

The Diva has spoken at 10:27 PM CST
And we call this stage of life "old".
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Things in life that suck
You decide to get yourself a treat at the Wal-Mart because, by golly, you deserve it. After much deliberation, you decide your treat will come from the cereal aisle. Because all good things come from the cereal aisle. You notice that your sister has come to the same conclusion - that cereal is the treat du jour.

You notice she has a box of Shredded Wheat in her cart.

You have Raisin Bran.

The Diva has spoken at 10:15 PM CST

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