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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, February 18, 2005
Mommy-dom
Mood:  special
Topic: Mommy Moment
I have had two really good days in a row. Considering that during the weekend and the first of the week I cried virtually nonstop, this is saying something.

Yesterday afternoon I almost kind of lost it when the reality that
*I had to drive to town to pick up our one town Brownie,
*I had to be back in 20 minutes (it's a 20 minute drive just TO town) because they've started running the bus route backwards in the evening and I had not just 2, but 4 kids getting off the bus 20 minutes earlier than usual,
*I needed to pick up GS cookies, but there was no way in hell THAT was going to happen till later,
*I couldn't get hold of one Brownie mom, which meant that she would be at my house shortly, regardless of the fact that I cancelled the meeting, albeit last minute.

AND THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!

Normally on Brownie nights, my sister picks up some of the slack, but she has the flu. Real, true and 100% influenza. She is one sick sister.

SO I cancelled Brownies, yeah, we went over that. I had my Kady, Chandler and my nephew, Gentry (because Sis was so sick she couldn't even get out of bed to feed him, bless her heart!) and when the bus ran that added my Abby and Sam, plus my niece, Addison and Ab's friend, McKenzie. THEN Magnet Lady came over (she was the Brownie mom I couldn't reach) with her daughter. And THEN I had kinda, in the chaos of it all, forgotten that I had called my sister in law to see if her niece, Cheyenne, could spend the night. They hit right after Magnet Lady did. If you weren't keeping a running total, that adds up to 9 children. Yeah....9.

But here's the weird part. It was awesome.

My house was full of children! Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of having children all over the place - either my own or other's coming to visit my own. While the herd of children played - and played well, I must add - Magnet Lady, McKenzie's mom, my sister in law and I all visited. We talked over Valentine's Day (the group was split as to whether the holiday sucked or didn't. Guess how Magnet Lady and I voted.) we talked about life in general, husbands in general, and it was WONDERFUL. The house was noisy, the kids were rambunctious, but they weren't killing each other, no one was bleeding, furniture was still intact and I was in my own little version of heaven.

My sister in law had to go finally. McKenzie and her mom had to go and so did Magnet Lady and Little Miss Magnet, my brother in law picked up my niece and nephew, Jill picked up Chandler and then suddenly, even with 4 children still here, my house was quiet.

But I couldn't relish in it quiet yet. There were still 500 some odd boxes of Girl Scout cookies in Miami waiting for me to pick them up. So I loaded up the kids and off we sped. They were waiting on us and I felt bad I'd made them wait. But the good part of that was, they were more than willing to help me load up because they were ready to GO. Okay, so when I see all of the cookies that were set aside just for my little Troop of 5 girls, I nearly had a cow. The back doors to my van do not open. I had 4 children in my van. I do not drive a freakin' semi, just an Astro. But hey, I am the Almighty Girl Scout Leader and somehow 41 cases of cookies fit in there. Granted, the children had their knees under their chins, boxes were stacked to the ceiling, I drove with my right arm outstretched to keep the leaning tower in my passenger seat from crashing down on my head, but by golly they fit. I prayed that we didn't have a wreck because we'd have never found the children in that mess.

So when we got home I unloaded enough boxes to get the three big kids out and they didn't even have to be told, they just started taking the boxes in the house. Yay kids! I did something RIGHT regarding your upbringing to this point! Once the van was unloaded we stacked the cookies according to variety and I sent the kids off to straighten up the toyroom. You can only imagine how it looked after 9 kids had been playing in it. While they cleaned, I made dinner and began re-heating chili for Paul. I felt like Martha fucking Stewart, I swear.

We let the kids stay up late and they thought they were the hippest kids around when I said it was okay that they watch ER. Abby exclaimed during a commercial break, "Dude! WHY haven't you told us about this show before??" I didn't divulge that normally during ER they are asleep and her father and I lie on the couch, cop feels and make out like teenagers. I kind of thought she didn't need to know that. I just shrugged and grinned instead.

This morning I made breakfast like a freakin' pro, flipping pancakes onto plates like a short-order cook, timing the bacon to come out of the oven at just the right time and man, I had my game on.

Sis got all kinds of froggy this morning and thought she was well enough to take her kids to town. She made it through the eye doctor appointment and then fell to pieces. I insisted that she bring the kids to me (actually I tried insisting that she let me take them to the eye doctor, but since Addison has vision issues she felt she should) and told her that if she kept refusing that I was going to tell Mom. She looked like hell when she dropped them off. I sent her home with Chloraseptic spray and orders to go straight to bed.

You'd think adding two kids to the mix would make things fall apart. Nope. Things only got better. Because since there was a boy here finally, Sam quit pestering the girls and everone settled down. Lunch was again, a miracle in itself. They ate without spilling or making too big of a mess and they got, what else, Girl Scout cookies for dessert. They all watched Finding Nemo awhile ago and when that was over I sent them outside. Not too long after they went outside, the neighbor dropped off his two girls until their mom gets off work. I think, if I counted correctly the last time they came through for drinks, there are 8 of them now. And life is good.


The Diva has spoken at 3:16 PM CST
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Movie Tag
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: About me
Little C - aka, Cousin Courtney - tagged me with this surprising little jewel this morning. You're right, Courtney, I was shocked!

What's the total number of movies in you collection?
Approxmately 170, give or take a few. Keep in mind that only about 25 of those are grownup movies. The rest are a variety of Disney, Blue Clue's, Little Bear and Veggie Tales. So do those count as actual movies? Hmm... maybe I'm confusing videos with actual movies. But I am not going to go through and check to see which ones are actual movies, sorry. :) I think I'm overcomplicating this, eh?

What's the last movie you watched before reading this message?
Napoleon Dynamite, GAW!

Name 5 movies that you watch often, or that mean something to you
1. Napoleon Dynamite (Sam said last night, "Mom, I called you a delicious bass." I said, "Caught son. In the movie he says "caught". He grinned and said, "I know, but I just called you a delicious bass. BWAH HAHAHAHAA!")
2. Sixteen Candles (Wha's happ'nin' hoht stuff?)
3. Penny Serenade (Guaranteed tear duct cleansing)
4. Save the Last Dance (Just a good movie, dadgummit)
5. Annie (Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I saw Annie for the first time in the Coleman Theatre, I, too was mesmerized when they played it on TV once a year, Courtney. Ab got the DVD for her birthday so now we have access to Annie 24/7!)

What are your 3 top favorite movies from the 80's?
1. Sixteen Candles
2. Pretty in Pink
3. The Breakfast Club (I SO wanted to be a member of the Brat Pack! Molly Ringwald was my IDOL!)
4. I can't leave out Dirty Dancing! I watched it 13 times the first month it came out. Yeah, pitiful I know.

What's the first movie you bought?
Aladdin. When Paul and I were first married I watched it over and over and over. The two of us watched it nearly every day. He could quote it as much as I could. He refuses to watch it with the kids anymore, lol.

What's the first DVD you bought?
Finding Nemo


The Diva has spoken at 9:41 AM CST
The Oreo Story - per Magnet Lady's request
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Okay, so this morning on her blog, Magnet Lady - aka, my friend Christy - asked that I share the Oreo Story.

Disclaimer: If you choose to go forward and read this incredibly disgusting story, Redneck Diva Corp. Inc. Manuf. LLC, will not be held responsible for any subsquent gagging, wretching or groans of displeasure that emit from you.

This rather large woman was going to have surgery. Okay, "rather large" doesn't properly describe her - she was morbidly obese. What she was having surgery for, I have no clue, because as all good urban legends go you can't have all the information, lol. They get her on the table, put her under anesthetic and begin prepping her for the surgery. They drape her and begin cleaning her stomach with Betadyne. Well, being the large woman she was, she had quite a few folds, bends and flat-out crevices, canyons, etc. They had to lift the aforementioned folds and clean under, in and around them. While spilunking one particular fat-roll they found a rather large abcess. It was pointed out to the doctor and he said that they should lance it. So they do. And what they find as the cause of her abcess is

and Oreo cookie.

There ya go, Magnet Lady. If I get hate-mail from this I am going to make YOU give ME a pedicure at your spa party! :)


The Diva has spoken at 9:12 AM CST
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Two-stepping off into the sunset...
Mood:  sad
Topic: Things in life that suck
This evening a long-time friend of mine passed away. "Red" was the owner of the only decent country-music-playin' establishment in our town and I'd known Red since I was in Kindergarten. He was 62.

When I was in grade school, virtually my entire early grade school years, I had a "boyfriend" named Brian. Brian Highfill. I would sigh and giggle at the mention of his name. He was dreamy, that Brian. In second grade they had a Marriage Booth at the school carnival and I married Brian roughly 45 times that night. I remember walking up to Red and exclaiming that I had married his son, while I showed off my many cheap "gold" rings. I remember Red's weathered face, which was always smiling, and how he laughed at the thought of having an 8 year old daughter in law.

Red had worked for the telephone company in Wyandotte for as long as I could remember and was known all over town for his telecommunication magic. He retired last year. He could have your phone line up and running in no time and if you had problems you would call Red.

When I was 19 I moved to Stillwater and moved back home all in a month's time. A few months later I was engaged - then a few months after that I wasn't. It was a rough time for me. Rough time for my mom, too. She was newly divorced and lonely. We were two depressing ladies, lemme tell ya. Well, while I was in Stillwater she had started taking country and western dance lessons in Wyandotte at AJ's Dance Hall, which was run by Red. She was enjoying herself and I figured I didn't have anything else to do on Tuesday nights, so I went along.

Ah Red... my gosh but that man could dance. He took a very clumsy 19 year old heartbroken girl and turned her into a 2-steppin' fool on that dance floor. When I danced with Red I was good at something. He taught me to 2-step, swing, waltz and even line dance. He never chided me for not catching on to something, he was endlessly patient and could always make me laugh. I never had a partner, but always knew that at some point I'd dance with Red for a few songs anyway, I felt like a country and western princess. He was proud of my ability and wanted me to start competition dancing. But alas, no partner.

One night I walked in the door from work and heard the phone ringing. It was Red. "Hey, sis! ... You comin' to class tonight? ... Good good! ... I got you a partner...yep, a partner! ... Paul ... Paul Hoover ... yes you do too know a Paul Hoover! ... Hell, girl he's here every week! ... Wait ... Boog! ... Yeah! ... They're the same guy! Boog is Paul!" I wasn't sure about this Boog guy, but Red assured me that he was aces and that was all I needed. Good enough for Red, good enough for me.

Well, little did Red know that he was playing matchmaker that night. And exactly three months later I became Mrs. Boog. I mean, Hoover. We spent the night before our wedding with Red and our dance crowd at the dance hall and when it was time to head home he hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek and wished us both luck.

When I was pregnant with our first baby I worked as a cocktail waitress at his club. While I was working there we lost our baby. The emotion that poured from that man when someone he loved as much as I know he loved me was hurting was unfathomable. He was a kind man, but didn't like to let too many people know it. I worked off and on over the years for him and knew that no matter what there was a grey-headed old fart at that club that loved me and my husband.

Red, I love you and I know that wherever you are tonight you're dancin'.

The Diva has spoken at 11:22 PM CST
Tuesday's post-Ladies' Night Post
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Things in life that suck
[ ] I won a HUMONGOUS amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino tonight.

[X] I won a small amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino tonight.

[ ] I won a moderate amount of money at the Big Fancy Casino tonight.

[ ] I didn't win shit at the Big Fancy Casino tonight.

****************************************

Technically, I didn't really win anything, but I left with $5 that I didn't come in with. I just cashed out with some of their money. But I stopped by the convenience store on the way home and bought Mr. Diva a can of Copenhagen, because after all, it's Valentine's Day. Then, because I am so wonderful, I gave the rest of the money to him, too. I also gave him a really cool Eskimo Joe's t-shirt today and he really liked it. Did I get anything? Guess. G'head.

NO

AND it seems that The Store finds me unemployable.

There is a reason I hate Valentine's Day and have since high school.

The Diva has spoken at 12:05 AM CST
Monday, February 14, 2005
Toots vs. Farts
Mood:  silly
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Just now I was tucking the girls in bed and Abby asked me, "Mom...what's that f-word we're not supposed to say?" (This is a legitimate question because just last week I caught Abby and Sam trading the insult "Fucking idiot" back and forth. Although I can't imagine them actually forgetting the f-word since their daddy drops f-bombs like crazy.) So I said, "Abby, you know we don't say it. Period." (Yeah, Momma just writes it in her blog, silly.) She goes, "Nooooo...not THAT one! The f-word that YaYa says we can't say...oh yeah! FART!" I said, "Ab, you know Daddy and I don't have a problem with you saying fart. As long as you don't say it at school." She kind of giggled and said, "Okay, so what's the word that YaYa uses for farts then?" I offered "toot", she said that wasn't it. I then said, "Windy?" She fell back on her bed laughing her head off and squealed "YES!! Windy!! BWAH HAHAahahhahhahah!!!!" I started giggling, too. She finally composed herself and said, "Man, that is one dorky word." I patted her arm and said, "Your Grammy made YaYa and I say we "had windied" when we were kids. This is why I let you kids say fart. Because "windy" is one dorky word."

"Heck yeah. It IS dorky. Windy....I can't believe she made you SAY that!" she giggled.

The Diva has spoken at 8:24 PM CST
Mr. Diva's gettin' in on the fun!
Mood:  silly
Topic: All in the family
Okay, it's Valentine's Day and we're too broke to buy each other presents, so I have asked Mr. Diva to answer some quiz questions on my blog. Hey, it takes little to entertain me sometimes, people.

So here ya go - I present to you my husband, Mr. Diva!

1. What time did you get up this morning? Before 8 (Diva note: Usually it's 11 on his day off, just so you know.)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds. A redneck's gotta have bling bling.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? White Noise

4. What is your favorite TV show? Anything on the Outdoor Channel, Pimp My Ride, American Chopper

5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothin'

6. What is you middle name? Glenn

7. Favorite cuisine? A big hunk of meat and a tater of some kind.

8. Foods you dislike? Spinach, guacamole, saurkraut and weenies

9. Your favorite crisp flavor? Long John Silver's fish is pretty crispy. (Diva note: Sheesh)

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? David Allan Coe - David Allan Coe (Diva note: That CD makes my ears bleed.)

11. What kind of car do you drive? 2004 Dodge Ram

12. Favorite sandwich? A ham and cheese from Nott's Grocery. They make the best sandwiches on the planet.

13. What behavioral characteristics do you despise? People who think their shit don't stink.

14. Favorite item of clothing? I'm a man, I don't have a favorite piece of clothing.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Disney World

16. What color is your bathroom? Uhhh...white?

17. Favorite clothing? Jeans

18. Where would you like to retire to? Right where I'm at. (Diva note: If he means my office, he's wrong.)

19. Best time of the day? When I get off work.

20. What was your most memorable birthday? February 6th. (Diva note:He's SUCH a smartass.)

21. Where were you born? Joplin, MO

22. Favorite sport to watch? Demolition derbies (Diva note: Only when his ultra sexy cool wife is driving.)

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? N/A

24. Person you expect to send it back first? N/A

25. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide, I guess. (Diva note: HE doesn't use laundry detergent because HE doesn't do laundry.)

26. Are you a morning person or night person? Morning? No, night? Hell, I don't care just put something down! (Diva note: He said morning and I said "You have to get UP in the morning to be considered a morning person, dear.")

27. What is your shoe size? 9 1/2 or 10

28. Do you have any pets? Jake and Little Dog (Diva note: Obviously the cat and the fucking ducks are mine. Whoohoo.)

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and family? Nope.

30. What did you want to be when you were little? Why hell I don't know...probably a fireman or something, I dunno. Or a policeman. Or Superman! (Diva note: Do you people SEE what I live with????)

*********************************************

Post quiz conversation:

Mr. Diva: What's this supposed to tell ya?

Diva: Nothing, it's just for fun.

Mr. Diva: What's fun about it?

Diva: Oh hush, you old fart.

Mr. Diva: You mean it's not gonna tell me what kind of personality I have or anything?

Diva: No, dear. I'm just posting it to my blog.

Mr. Diva: Why hell.....That ain't fun.

The Diva has spoken at 11:20 AM CST
Updated: Monday, February 14, 2005 11:29 AM CST
Mannnnnnn
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
Man, I hate it when you get a big ol' bag of Hershey's Kisses for Valentine's Day from your mother and you can't keep your hands out of them and like three times this morning you've managed to chew up the little piece of paper along with the kiss.

Rephrasing: Man, I LOVE it when I get a big ol' bag of Hershey's Kisses for Valentine's Day from my mother.

I HATE it that I can't keep my hands out of them.

I also hate it when I chew up the little piece of paper.

There.

The Diva has spoken at 10:58 AM CST
I'm a sucker for a quiz
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: About me
I sent this out to some folks in an email, but decided to go ahead and post it to my blog as well, since y'all are just DYIN' to know more about me, I'm sure.

Feel free to play along on your own blog and comment to let us know when you have!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Agh, 7 this morning. Which has thrown me off already.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Say hello to my rather large and ostentatious friends - diamonds.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? White Noise

4. What is your favorite TV show? Lost and Alias

5. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee

6. What is you middle name? Dawn

7. Favorite cuisine? Cuisine? I'm a redneck and I live in Oklahoma - we do not partake of "cuisine". I do like a good rare steak, though. IF you consider that authentic "cuisine".

8. Foods you dislike? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, cooked spinach

9. Your favorite crisp flavor? Crisp flavor? Who the hell makes up these questions? Is crisp a flavor now and someone forgot to tell me? I like sour cream and onion potato chips if you wanna know what I like to eat that is crispy. Geez.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Songs about Jane - Maroon5

11. What kind of car do you drive? 1998 Astro Van

12. Favorite sandwich? A Subway ham and turkey on white with American cheese, pickles, black olives, onions and creamy Italian dressing.

13. What behavioral characteristics do you despise? Insolence, puny humans!

14. Favorite item of clothing? My red Eskimo Joe's Christmas sweatshirt. It's big and bulky and warm and I wear it entirely too much, lol.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Prince Edward Island, Canada

16. What color is your bathroom? White, but soon it's going to have white wainscoting, sky blue walls and ceiling with cute little bugs and
butterflies painted all over the place.


17. Favorite clothing? My jamma pants.

18. Where would you retire to? Here. It's home.

19. Best time of the day? Naptime.

20. What was your most memorable birthday? Hmmm... I have several. My 9th is when we were snowed in and Mom gave me a present every hour(Strawberry Shortcakes!!). My 21st I got shit-face drunk at a country bar and puked all the way home. My 32nd wasn't necessarily the "best" birthday, but I spent it with long-lost family regardless, which was pretty memorable.

21. Where were you born? Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Oh okay, Joplin, MO

22. Favorite sport to watch? WWE or Ultimate Fighting

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Courtney or Keith

24. Person you expect to send it back first? Stacey or Mom

25. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide Clean Breeze

26. Are you a morning person or night person? Morning

27. What is your shoe size? 9 1/2 or 10

28. Do you have any pets? Yep, 3 kids and a husband. Oh! You mean like critters....gotcha. Yeah, we've got a 3 1/2 year old Lab/Chow named Jake, a 3 month old Lab/Heeler named Little Dog, a
tortoise-shell grey cat named Maggie, and four ducks which I affectionately call "those fucking ducks".


29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and family? I'm pregnant!

GOTCHA! (I'm really not, Mom. You can breathe again.)

30. What did you want to be when you were little? A mommy

The Diva has spoken at 10:52 AM CST
Updated: Monday, February 14, 2005 11:35 AM CST
Sunday, February 13, 2005
It is finished
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
The application is in at The Store. It is supposed to be pulled in the morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm excited yet I'm scared to death. 10 years, people. 10 years since I've gotten dressed in something other than sweats and actually have left my house to go to work for any length of time. The thought is staggering. I had a temp job at the college when I was 8 months pregnant with Kady and last year I substitute taught a few times, but it's been since '95 since I've had a real employment to call my very own. Yes, I realize it's only 3 days a week - let me obsess, k?

I called my mom while I was doing the application and said, "Can you think of any jobs I've had??" She laughed and said, "You've been awful busy raising babies. Don't worry about it." She's right - I mean, I think I pretty much already have the job.

AND The (stupid) Store is still declining my FREAKING checks. Rassin' frassin' Store. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to go to the register with a pack of gum and wrote a check for $2. So when it declined it it was only for a pack of gum that I just put right back, rather than $60 worth of groceries. And we really needed those groceries. How can I make my tea in the morning when I'm OUT OF TEA?? I will have to drink coffee until I can get to the bank to get some cash so I can go to The Store to buy more tea. Diva's gotta have her caffeine. When I start working I'll have to have an IV port put in so I can continue with my all day long ingestion of super sweet Southern iced tea.

So it looks like tomorrow I'll have to call The Store to find out exactly why we are still black-balled. I checked our account online today and everything's FINE. WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY?????


We're probably permanently on a list somewhere. When we walk through the doors from now on a red light will go off in the back room with all the security monitors and a Code 86 1/2 will be issued and the authorities will be alerted and the financial institutions we are associated with will be contacted to find out if we are to be deemed worthy of writing a check and we will be video monitored our entire visit to their fine establishment. Yep, 1984 has arrived, folks.

The Diva has spoken at 11:39 PM CST
Today's the day
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Yep...today I am going to WM to officially put in my application for employment. Here's the funny thing - the manager over the automotive department, which I will soon be working in, already has me on the schedule. I'm thinking this is what some people call "a sure thing".

Paul came home the other night after work and every night, without fail I ask him "How was your day?" And every day, without fail his answer is "Sucked." But that particular night after he said "sucked" he said, "Know of anyone who needs a job? We gotta hire a bunch of people and SOON." I said, "Uh HELLO. Your WIFE. I need a job, dipshit!" He said, "Gimme the phone, I'll call m'boss." He called her and asked if she would be hiring for the counter and she asked, "Who do you have for me?" He said, "My wife" and she said, "I want her." Ah, it's good to be loved. Or at least needed.

So several more phone calls and conversations between the manager and us, we got it lined out. I will work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and still continue to watch Chandler Monday - Thursday like I do now. Paul's days off are Monday/Tuesday now, but she said she'd try to get him Sunday/Monday off in the near future, as soon as they get fully staffed again. So Heather has already agreed to keep Kady for me on Fridays and get the kids from school. Saturdays Paul works 7-3 and I work 3-9. I'll take the kids to town with me and pass them off to their father when my shift starts. Sundays Paul is scheduled 8-4 and I'm scheduled 4-9. Again, we shuffle children between the two of us, between shifts. I talked to Mom last night and she said that there would be times she could pick up some slack, too. I think it's going to work out, it may just take some getting used to.

The kids aren't all that excited about their momma working. In fact, they're all pretty much against it. Abby's having the most trouble comprehending it, bless her heart. But I think Kady's going to have the most trouble adjusting. Frankly, I'm having a hard time comprehending and adjusting to it as well.

Plus, now I'm faced with another quandry - I guess I have to quit right now talking about my job because of that whole dooce thing. Damn. Unless of course, I come up with silly names for the place I'm employed and my co-workers. But then I'll have to go back through here and rewrite everything I've ever written about Wal-Mart - I mean, the Mega Store That Monopolizes and Puts Small Businesses Under. Hmm... too harsh, me thinks. Uhh...how about The Store. And the department we work in is the Shoelace Department. How's that sound? Think we can all keep that straight?

Holy fucking shit, I'm going to get a job.

The Diva has spoken at 10:42 AM CST
Answers
Mood:  hungry
Topic: About me
Courtney asks:

1. Are you going to have another baby?
Yes, I really do believe that someday I'll have another baby. Soon? Well...let's just say that the ol' clock is tickin' and I ain't gettin' any younger. I'd say if I'm going to have another one, it'll be in the next 2 years. Egad...another Hoover...is 2 years long enough to prepare the world for another one?

2. If you were a kitchen utensil what would you be?
A whisk.

3. Why?
Because a whisk is pretty important in most kitchens, used almost daily and greatly appreciated. If my whisk is dirty I will get it out of the dishwasher and wash it by hand so I can use it. Now if that's not usefulness, I don't know what is.

Only you, Courtney...only you.

Btw, OH MY GOSH THANK YOU FOR THOSE AMAZING SEATS AT THE TRACE ADKINS CONCERT YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY MY FAVORITE COUSIN. (Stacey, if you get me a kidney someday, I'll bump you up to #1 status. Keith, you rewire my house and I'll upgrade you as well. But dudes, Courtney got us fourth row tickets! That's gotta count for an immediate movement to the front of the line.)

The Diva has spoken at 12:23 AM CST
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Let me entertain you
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I lifted this off of Apropos of Something and found it to be worthy of my blog. Because we're so high-falootin' around here at the Ramblings, right?

A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song, or album

B. Ask me three questions - no more, no less. You may ask anything you want. I reserve the right, however, to give you a not-so-true, smartass answer.

And while we're at it, I'll share with you this music meme that is going around, yet NO ONE has tagged me with it. So what's a girl to do when she finds herself eating with the trogs on the quad in Junior High, wishing herself into a life with the cool kids? She just steals the meme. Okay, so that made no sense and I think it was a flashback if I'm not mistaken. Anyway...here's the music meme:

10 Random Songs From My Music Files:
1. Blurry- Puddle of Mudd
2. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows Feat. Vanessa Carlton
3. The Surrey with the Fringe on Top - From the soundtrack of Oklahoma!
4. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
5. Let's Get it Started - Black Eyed Peas
6. My Lord and Master - from the soundtrack of The King and I
7. Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows (Shrek soundtrack)
8. Over and Over - Nelly Feat. Tim McGraw
9. Landslide - Dixie Chicks
10. Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver

Total amount of music files on my computer:
105.4 MB

Last CD I bought:
Heavier Things - John Mayer

Last song I listened to before this message:
The tail end of "1984" by Bowling for Soup
Now, "Since U Been Gone" by that American Idol chick...what is her name....

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. Only Love - The Statler Brothers (This song is just so pure and heart-touching that I can't help but tear up when I hear it.)
2. What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (My gosh, it IS a wonderful world, isn't it? This is going to be played at my funeral, btw.)
3. Please Come to Boston - David Allan Coe (My gosh, he loves her so much and she just can't go to him...)
4. Daughters - John Mayer (So honest and true)
5. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows (Dunno why - just like it.)

Tag! You're it:
1. Courtney
2. Tiff - my BFF
3. Christy - who you must all go check out because she's my friend AND the 6th person to blog because of little ol' me!!!

Okay, girls...show us your music!

And everyone, don't forget to do the first set of questions!!

The Diva has spoken at 2:36 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, February 12, 2005 2:37 PM CST
Let the tinkling begin
Mood:  on fire
Topic: It's a good thing
After Sis gained posession of the tickets, she stood at the box office visiting with the girl awhile. Heather mentioned how excited we are about the concert and how we would die if we actually met the man. The girl, very nonchalanatly (how COULD she be nonchalant about TRACE ADKINS!?!) said "Oh, Trace has been walking around out here all morning. He's wearing a nice buckskin jacket, has his hair pulled back in a ponytail (That ponytail - oh how I dream of that ponytail). Yeah, he's been out here in the casino off and on all morning. It's been awhile, he should be back out here in a bit." Heather said, "I...I gotta go!" And got in her car and drove to the bank to withdraw cash so she can go back to the casino to gamble in the off chance she might have the opportunity to MEET TRACE ADKINS. Oh my gosh. She is there right now gambling.

I asked her if she's tinkled yet. She said, "Oh sister, I will if I see him!"

I said, "You DO have paper for him to autograph, right?" She said, "Uhhhh....I have the thingy from Uncle Homer's funeral. Do you think he'd mind signing that?" I said, "You go RIGHT NOW and get some paper from the nice girl in the box office! And when you get his autograph you make sure to tell him your sister is a slut and will be here tonight."

The Diva has spoken at 1:18 PM CST
Menage' huh?
Mood:  on fire
Topic: It's a good thing
I just had a harried 3-way phone tag conversation with my sister and Courtney regarding picking up our tickets for the Trace Adkins concert which is TONIGHT. Courtney, bless her precious heart, picked up the tickets for us the night they went on sale, scoring us 4th row center tickets. We've since paid her back for them and she left them at the box office for us. Well, since that whole scenario was settled upon, we have now discovered that we will, in all likelihood, be running late tonight. So since Sis is in town she thought she'd pick them up now so we won't have to wait in line and risk missing one milisecond of Trace's rugged handsomeness. They wouldn't let her have them. So she called me and asked me to call Courtney while she tried to figure out the mess. Anyway, it's all fixed now and my sister has in her posession our 4th row tickets!!!!

Phone conversation that took place before the ticket confusion:
Phone rings
Diva: Hello dear sister!
Sis: I am at the Buffalo right now and there are tour busses and truck here as. I. speak.
Diva: (Unintelligible screams, screeches and squeals)
Sis: Yeah, me too
Diva: So can you see anything?
Sis: No...but they are moving HIS equipment in right. now.
Diva: (slightly swooning) I can't believe he's quite possibly there at this moment.
Sis: Me either. I could just tinkle.

The Diva has spoken at 12:36 PM CST
I should never be allowed to handle money again
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Things in life that suck
Yesterday morning I got the kids up and off to school. Since I don't watch Chandler on Fridays, I decided I was going to just hang out in my pj's, reading and maybe taking a nap. Sis and I had tossed around the possibility of going to Joplin the day before, but didn't really think it'd happen. I had just settled into my chair at 7:45 with a Louis Grizzard book when the phone rang. It was Sis saying she could go to Joplin. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to go, but man did that chair feel good... so I dragged myself up and slugged down the hall to take a shower. Kady didn't want her hair fixed, didn't want earrings in, didn't want to wear what I laid out, so we were later getting out the door than I had intended, but we made it. I picked up Sis, Gentry and her babysittin' baby and off we headed to Miami to get cash before we headed to the Joplin.

At the bank, I wrote a check for cash, handed it to the teller who said, "Do you know what the balance is in your account?" My heart did a little flip flop and I said, "It'd better be somewhere around $600." She shook her head and said, "No...it's in the negative." With strength comparable to what it takes to not take the last Oreo in the package, I kept the tears at bay while I told her that my husband was supposed to have made a night deposit before he went to work that morning, somewhere around 6:30am. Nope. She offered to let me use my overdraft protection and go ahead and get the cash, but I declined since I knew that that overdraft protection thing was nearly worn out on my account as of late.

Here's the story:
At the end of January I made a cash deposit of $600 for our truck payment. I didn't fill out a deposit slip because I didn't have any, but seeing as how I know all the tellers and babysit for one of the managers or whatever she is, I am like Norm from Cheers when I walk in. (Okay, I'm sure that everyone that banks at that oh so friendly bank feel that way - the girls make a huge effort to make you feel loved as you give them your money) Anyway, she just said she'd look me up by my SSN. Well, I have 2 accounts there. One is my old Pampered Chef account and hasn't been used in nearly 3 years and has a balance of $4.88. The other is our regular household account that we use too much. Guess where she put the $600. Yep, the wrong one.

NOW...had I been a good customer, responsible adult, I:
1.Would have filled out a deposit slip myself
2.Would have checked my receipt when she handed it to me.
3.Would have opened the freaking bank statement when I got it, thus allowing me to find this mistake a full week earlier than I did.

But people, we all know that I'm a dipshit and these things didn't happen.

What happens is that I get a notice in the mail of an overdraft. I grab the checkbook, everything's in order, the only thing I can figure is that a deposit was made just shortly after a check came through and that made it overdraw. I figured okay, no big, pay the $17.43 and go on. The next day - two more overdrafts. I called the automated phone line thing that could also qualify as pilates and cardio for your fingers and OH MY GOSH that $600 was not there!!!

Now, in my mind I knew I'd made the deposit. I never go in the lobby, usually I hit the drivethru, but that day I had $600 in twenties and Paul was with me, so I went inside. I visited with the teller a bit, looked at a whole roll of pictures of her new baby, etc. I KNEW I'd made that deposit. I tore my van apart looking for a receipt, which again is a testament to my irresponsibility, that was nowhere to be found. I dug through my trashcan which made me gag. I was crying. I was sweating. I was cussing. It was not pretty. So when Jill came to pick up Chandler and found her babysitter in a state of obvious mental duress, she asked what was wrong. Immediately she knew what had happened and told me how to fix it. She's a manager or some big muckity muck at that bank. I called the bank and got a service center in Tulsa. The woman was less than nice, but said she'd transfer the money right then. I asked about getting the NSF fees taken off since it wasn't my fault the money went into the wrong account. She explained that it was indeed my fault because I didn't check my receipt, etc, but I was more than welcome to speak with someone from my branch. Well, the chick that I needed to talk to was busy and the teller took my number and said she'd call back. I waited an hour and no call. Then life went on. We had slumber parties all weekend and being the irresponsible dipshit I am, I kinda forgot.

Come Monday morning we've accumulated 7 overdrafts and two checks have been returned, unbeknownst to me. But Jill asks out of sheer politleness... when I tell her that I was never called back she said, "Oh that's not right - I'll get you some of those NSF fees back when I get to work." Groovy - thank you Jill! Well later in the day I happen to call the bank's automated line again and then discover that the heifer at the service center NEVER TRANSFERRED THAT $600. I called Jill immediately and she said, "Oh now you are SO getting every fee refunded!" Then when I told her that one of the checks that was returned was to Wal-Mart where my husband is employed and if we write bad checks to them they FIRE HIM. She refunded me over $100 in NSF fees, wrote a letter to Wal-Mart explaining the whole deal and then extolled the virtues of checking your receipt which I WILL NOW DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR.

But then on Thursday I tried to write a check to Wal-Mart and they declined my check. While I was standing in an express lane. With two kids who were hungry. With only $20 in my pocket. I had to have the cashier call my husband in the breakroom who mumbled an expletive into the phone and said he'd be up there as quick as he could. It was even more embarrassing when she said, "Hoover? Paul Hoover? Works in Automotive? I KNOW him!" Yeah, great. Glad you do. Meanwhile the line was growing behind me, full of people who were shifting from foot to foot, sighing loudly and rolling their eyes. If I hadn't been so mortified I'd have been a real bitch and said something, but as it was, I just stood there blinking back tears. Turns out he had forgotten to bring the letter from the bank to work with him that day.

(Sidenote: Two irresponsible people should never marry and have a bank account together.)

Then yesterday I got the whole negative balance again. I stormed out to my van, grabbed my cell phone and wasn't even nice when I said called the store and said, "Let me talk to Paul." I wasn't very nice to him either. He said, "Oh. I thought I'd just make that deposit after work." I yelled. I cussed. I made the kids' ears bleed with all the profanity escaping my mouth. So then I had to go to Wal-Mart, pick up the deposit and take it back to the bank and FINALLY get my money. What happened was an automatic debit came through in the midst of all the overdraftednes and I'd forgotten about it (which I normally NEVER do)and it threw us into the red again. But I made the deposit, checked to make sure the balance was positive again and finally got my cash to go to Joplin. All that for $25 in cash. Holy shit.

Add all that drama onto the fact that we are $672 over on our cash flow plan and it's been a financially horrendous week. I just wish I was luckier at the casinos. Man, wouldn't it be nice to put in $10 of their money on Ladies' Night, hit a $52,000 jackpot and live happily ever after? Hey, it's happened so I can continue to dream.

In the meantime, I'll just make sure I check my receipt at the bank. Several times. Over and over. With a magnifying glass. And a notary public.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 AM CST
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Here's a question
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Things in life that suck
Have any of y'all ever had problems with vertigo?

I seem to be plagued with it all of the sudden and it's starting to not be remotely amusing anymore. I mean, it never really amusing to begin with, but now I'm just tired of it.

Oh yeah and when I say "vertigo", I don't mean a retarded song by U2 where Bono can't even count right. Hmm...maybe he is the one telling the dudes teaching the financial management course what order to go in.

Anyway. The dizzy kind of vertigo...

It's been really bad. I nearly dropped Kady the other night because it hit out of the blue while I had 36 pounds of preschooler in my arms. About 30 minutes after that particular episode I ended up running to the bathroom to begin a 20 minute session of
1. bend over toilet
2. barf
3. stand up
4. get smacked upside the head with a wave of dizziness that of course leads to nausea.
Start over again with #1 and repeat five times.

It was bad. The dizziness hasn't been so bad today, but the nausea is still there.

This is how bad it is: I took a pregnancy test yesterday.

Yeah. That bad. And no, I'm not pregnant. Or at least according to the little stick that soaked up my urine then swept a pretty pink wave of color into the little windows, I'm not.

If anyone out there reading this has any knowledge regarding vertigo and the non-stop nauseousness that plagues me, I would greatly appreciate any input and help you could give. If you're just browsing through because Blog Explosion sent you my way, yet you DO have knowledge of vertigo, could you leave me a comment before you go about your merry way? I'm desperate here.

The Diva has spoken at 11:43 PM CST
Being poor is SO overrated.
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Things in life that suck
Okay, so Sis and I are taking this financial management course ya know. And they give us homework. So today was payday for Mr. Diva and I both. I told him that after the kids went to bed that we'd sit down and work out our cash flow plan together, see how it all goes, etc. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, we are in the hole $672 every month!!!

I mean, I KNEW we were broke, but to see it on paper....man.

I'm so frustrated, depressed, confused, angry...hell I don't know my ass from my elbow, my ass from a hole in the ground, shit from shinola, "come'ere" from "sic 'em", apples from DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE $672 IN THE HOLE EVERY FUCKING MONTH???????????

I apologize right now to any former teachers, parents of my childhood friends, religious personnel and to my mother, for my foul-assed language. Sometimes it's gotta come out, folks.

I called my sister who is so on fire for this class and had her plan figured out weeks ago and man, she understands it and she's just better with numbers period. I called her at 9:30 and she was in bed, but swears she wasn't asleep. I was desperate or I'd have really intended on hanging up when I said, "Oh gosh, sorry! I'll let you go!" when I just really needed to talk. THANK GOD she was insistent upon my staying on the line. I told her that it just wasn't making sense - the whole zero budget bullshit, the putting money in savings when you can't even pay the sonofabitchin' electric bill, figuring your "non-acceptable" pro-rata payments based on "excess cash" each month, but have I mentioned that $672 that we seem to NOT HAVE?? How can you figure out what your pro-rata payment to a non-acceptable creditor is WHEN ANYTHING TIMES ZERO IS NOTHING?

The relief in her voice was so very obvious when she said, "I'm sorry you're $672 in the hole, but my GOSH I'm glad this isn't making sense to you either!"

We're jumping around in the book and the workbook. Seems to me if the dude that wrote it actually put chapters 4,5,6,7,8 and 9 BEFORE chapter 10 that quite possibly he meant for us to read them IN. THAT. ORDER. Quite possibly. But no, last weeks' homework was Chapter's 1-3 and 10.

I'M SO CONFUSED.

Paul kept getting more and more pissed because here I've convinced the man that this is going to work and we are going to eliminate our debt and we're going to pay CASH for that trip to Disney World in 2008, yet all of the sudden we're $672 in the red? My stomach got all tied up in knots, my eyes started watering, my head began pounding and all I could do was say, "Sorry honey. Really. I'm just sorry. Go watch some fishing or something and contemplate which set of dishes you want when you divorce my sorry incapable-of-making-a-wise-financial-decision-to-save-my-life ass."

He did go watch fishing. Whether he contemplated place-settings is unknown at this juncture. I hope he doesn't take the good ones. I'll need to sell them to pay off the mountain of debt, not to mention the regular ol' important necessities like oh, electric, water and the internet.

The Diva has spoken at 11:32 PM CST
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
Let them eat cake!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I just had to share a picture of the cake I made last night. I hardly ever make them because, frankly they are a pain in the ass. But they're so pretty and everyone just ooh's and aah's, so it's almost kinda worth it.



Voila'!


The Diva has spoken at 10:48 PM CST
Monday, February 7, 2005
Tupperware doesn't "burp", it "whispers"
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Rambling much
"Diva, why on earth are you posting to your blog at 9:09 pm on a Monday night? Aren't you supposed to be at the Big Fancy Casino losing money and in general just spreading your unluckiness around?"

Well, yes, Dear Reader...that is my normal Monday night activity, but tonight I am at home. I had forgotten that wrestling comes on on Mondays. Wow. I had forgotten that Monday nights used to be the nights that I watched WWE until my eyes finally started doing that crossy thing and I'd doze on the couch until Mr. Diva would try to wake me up for his version of a WWE match. (Except, unlike those guys on TV, we were always naked...) Usually I'd just feign utter exhaustion and sleep on the couch, though. Ahhh...but those were the days before Ladies' Night at the Big Fancy Casino. Now I come in from the casino reeking of cigarette smoke, all sulled up because I didn't win shit again and he usually doesn't even attempt sex on Monday nights.

My Tupperware party ran late, which I knew was going to happen. They always run late, even when you try hard to not let them. I sold Pampered Chef for four years, I know these things. We had SUCH a good time, though! It was so nice seeing Kim again, who now has two GROWN UP children. *sob* She was still the same Kim we all had grown to love when I was having a T-ware party on the average of every 2 months. (Why didn't I save my money back then - back when I had it??? Oh yeah, because I had it.) My friend, Chloe, booked a party and I need one more person (hint hint - any takers?) to book so I can get this incredibly nifty serving platter set, which I have never laid eyes on, but I oh so have to have them! They're FREE for cryin' out loud, so I now have an obsession with these platter thingies.

You should've seen my mom...OMG, she was hilarious the closer it got to 8:00. She was the one who swore she'd leave promptly at 8 even if a burping was in process. Well, this woman had tickets, by golly and she wasn't leaving until the drawing had taken place. She had her tickets laid out on my end table, in numerical order no less, was sitting on the edge of her chair, fauching at the bit and tapping her foot. The mean part of me wanted to drag things out just a little longer... She didn't win, btw. Didn't matter to her though - at that point she was too worried about making it to Miami in time for her free play. Heather was hot on her heels, with two crying, cranky children in tow who just weren't quite done playing yet. The things we do for free money on Ladies' Night.

Mr. Diva of course had to push that marital bliss envelope just as far as he could, even after a rather vehement request to be back before 8:00 so I'd be assured a chance to make it to town. He sauntered through the door at 8:20. By the time everyone left it was 8:30 and I had plenty of time to get there. Okay plenty is an exaggeration - it takes 22 minutes to get there, so it was pushing it, but still do-able. He said I could go if I put the kids to bed. No way I could've accomplished that. It wasn't worth the stress and strain. So he'll just have to be understanding tomorrow night if I happen to get tied up at my financial management class and he mysteriously doesn't make it on time to Men's Night at the Lucky Turtle. He'll also have to be understanding if I am just "too exhausted" from all the cleaning I did today, plus hosting a party, to play WWE with him tonight. He'll just have to get over it, won't he?

Put that in your selfish pipe and smoke it, Mr. Diva. Hah! Two can play at this game we call Twelve Years of Marriage. I may not win all the time, but I still have the only vagina in this relationship and it seems to be a pretty popular item and I ain't afraid to use my ownership of it to get what I want or to get even.

The Diva has spoken at 9:35 PM CST
Updated: Monday, February 7, 2005 9:45 PM CST

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