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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, March 11, 2005
When I was a kid, Spring Break was more exciting
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Another dual post. There is a little more to this post on my Blogspot site, but it's not much. I'm just really tired now, dadgummit.

***********************

Today was Freaky Hair Friday at school. Stu-co Spirit Week or something. Sam sported a mohawk. Abby had twisty nubbin things all over head. We went after school from Fairland to Miami. With mohawk boy and nubbin girl. Oh the looks we got.

Of course, the looks could've possibly been because I had five, count 'em five, kids hanging off of my cart like maggots on a carcass. All squirmy and wiggly and movin' around incessantly. My husband, being the darling he is, said I looked like a trailer park ho with that many kids. Thanksbabyloveyoutoo. Dooderhead.

I saw Stormie, another GS leader in our service unit, and she said I was brave. I replied that no, I was insane. (Hi Stormie!)

When it was finally time to check out, the kids helped me put the stuff on the conveyer belt and then I took the mobile ones and lined them up in front of the counter of the in-store bank like they were getting ready to be part of a police line-up. I put them boy-girl-boy-girl and put their backs against the wall and told them if they moved they would NOT get to go to the video store. I walked back to the register and threw them all a really threatening glare. The cashier said, "Wow, I'm impressed! We hardly ever see kids who do what their parents say up here." And my first thought was, "Thank God you didn't see them in the cereal aisle then." I just smiled and said thank you, though. Hey, let her believe that well-behaved children DO exist. At least for awhile. She was only 20-ish, she'll have to quit believing in such fairy tales soon.

I saw a precious Menonite woman and her two adorable boys at the store tonight. As I trudged through the store in my wind pants (Which are too long and I step on them constantly which drives me batshit, but what do you do when you're only 5'2"?) and frizzy hair and noisy children hanging off my cart and I exchanged polite smiles and hellos with her, I almost longed for a little white bonnet thing and black panty hose. But then I remembered that panty hose suck.

***********************
This morning as I had just stepped out of the shower I heard the kids doing their morning stuff. It was obviously KD's turn to pick out the morning music because rather than the Kidz Bop Kids singing horrible renditions of Kelly Clarkson and Hoobastank songs, we were listening to Mary Had a Little Lamb sung by Minnie Mouse. How refreshing. I was praying for the Kidz Bop Kids again. I had just flipped my hair up into a towel and was putting on my moisturizer when I heard Sam walking up and down the hall yelling, "Freak love! Get yer freak love here! FREAK LOVE! Fuh-freak Love!! Who wants a freak love?" I was furious that my son, who is only 6, knew about freak love and was even advertising it and WHERE the hell did he learn that shit anyway? I threw open the bathroom door and said, "WHAT did you say?" He meekly held up a glove and said, "Free glove, Mom?"

The Diva has spoken at 11:27 PM CST
Monday, February 28, 2005
It's a freakin' box already
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
I just logged off the computer and walked into my living room to find my husband sitting in the recliner watching my three kids and Chandler play with a box. A huge box that my Tupperware order came in. They have every throw pillow off of the couch and big chair and an enormous box and they are insanely deliriously happy. I looked at Paul and said, "That's it. At Christmas time we are not buying toys. Only boxes." The kids all stopped in mid-jump/wrestle/roll and looked at me, completely silent. Then it was like someone hit the "play" button again and they all yelled "YAY!!! BOXES! WE GET BOXES FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!" Then Chandler grabbed a pillow, tackled it with all of his teeny tiny 36 pounds, then looked up and said, "Kiki, can I have a pillow, too?"

The Diva has spoken at 5:23 PM CST
Monday, February 21, 2005
This baby is so CUTE!
Mood:  bright
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
As I mentioned before, my sister has the flu. Mom, her husband and I have all threatened her into actually allowing herself to recuperate properly and not overdoing it. So that being said, I am her backup for the baby she babysits. I have been around this kid numerous times and man he is a cutie-pie, but he's always been obviously enamored with my sister, who affectionately refers to herself around him as "The Lady". (Immediately throws me into a poor Jerry Lewis impersonation, too.) Well, he loves The Lady with everything in his chubby little body and when she is around there is no one else in my little scope of vision.

Well, today I'm the one he's lookin' all google-eyed at.

Oh
My
GOSH
this kid is cute.

He was just sitting there in his carseat while I was working on a picture post for a friend's blog. He was being so good, kind of drooling and gurgling and bein' all baby cute and stuff. I'd look over every now and then and he'd immediately do this grin-then-turn-away-like-he-was-embarrassed-to be-caught-staring-at-the-cute-girl thing. My gosh, instantly I was reduced to a goofily grinning baby-talking adult who couldn't resist getting down on my knees and simply devouring his pudgy little baby toes!

Is this how I behaved when my children were babies? Is THIS why I had very few friends and the ones I had were jibberish-talking oatmeal heads with spit-up stains on their left shoulders as well? Did I really talk incessantly to Wal-Mart checkers and the guy pumping my gas (because I was terrified to leave the kids in the car long enough to go in the QT and pay)? Is this why my husband dreaded coming home from work because invariably he would walk in the door from work and would be sideswiped outta nowhere by his conversation-starved young wife who would smother him in kisses, hand off the baby and then begin a rundown of the day's events, INCLUDING how many wet and poopy diapers were encountered, how many burp rags he or she soaked, any new teeth that had sprouted and/or hadn't but had yet caused uncontrollable screeching on parent and child's part and only occasionally while talking 900 mph lapsing into baby talk? Is this how I spent 6 years of my life?

Yep. I guess I did.

Wow, that was good times.


The Diva has spoken at 11:26 AM CST
Updated: Monday, February 21, 2005 11:31 AM CST
Monday, February 14, 2005
Toots vs. Farts
Mood:  silly
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Just now I was tucking the girls in bed and Abby asked me, "Mom...what's that f-word we're not supposed to say?" (This is a legitimate question because just last week I caught Abby and Sam trading the insult "Fucking idiot" back and forth. Although I can't imagine them actually forgetting the f-word since their daddy drops f-bombs like crazy.) So I said, "Abby, you know we don't say it. Period." (Yeah, Momma just writes it in her blog, silly.) She goes, "Nooooo...not THAT one! The f-word that YaYa says we can't say...oh yeah! FART!" I said, "Ab, you know Daddy and I don't have a problem with you saying fart. As long as you don't say it at school." She kind of giggled and said, "Okay, so what's the word that YaYa uses for farts then?" I offered "toot", she said that wasn't it. I then said, "Windy?" She fell back on her bed laughing her head off and squealed "YES!! Windy!! BWAH HAHAahahhahhahah!!!!" I started giggling, too. She finally composed herself and said, "Man, that is one dorky word." I patted her arm and said, "Your Grammy made YaYa and I say we "had windied" when we were kids. This is why I let you kids say fart. Because "windy" is one dorky word."

"Heck yeah. It IS dorky. Windy....I can't believe she made you SAY that!" she giggled.

The Diva has spoken at 8:24 PM CST
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Post Flumber party or Pre Super Bowl post
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Like I give a flying crap about the Super Bowl really.

The Flumber Party was last night and we had a great time. The girls did, too, I'm sure.

No really, a good time was had by all in attendance. We had a super short meeting as far as doing the GS Promise, Pledge of Allegiance and the Brownie Circle, talked about our weeks, talked about the badges we were earning, etc. Then we ate pizza, which I ordered a ton of. While we ate cake, the girls played. Christy and I related the hilarious story from File Girl that had us all nearly peeing our pants from laughing so hard. We spent the night alternating between letting the girls run wild to bringing them in for some organized stuff. We didn't accomplish everything I had intended for them to, but regardless of that, they had a blast.

Bless Riley's mom's heart - she brought Mulan 2. All was right with the world. It really was pretty good. Of course, I'm a big fan of Mulan anyway.

The girls all crashed around midnight. The three moms that stayed, plus my mom, stayed up and talked till 2 or so. By then I was yawning more than I was talking and said that I was going to have to go to bed. Then of course, we all laid there in the dark talking and giggling for another half hour. The girls slept till nearly 8 this morning, which I considered a special Brownie miracle, courtesy of the Flumber Fairy, I believe. Then when they all woke up, they chose to pester Grammy who was back in my bed. This allowed us three mommies to sleep another 45 minutes or so.

Pancakes and bacon ensued, then we sent all the kiddies outside to enjoy the freakishly warm 60' February weather.

Heather, being the better daughter and financial management class student (We call those kids "teacher's pet", I believe, and I don't think we like them), figured up Mom's plan to elminate her debt in a mere 20 months. Hah. She hasn't figured up mine yet. She has herself figured up to be out of debt in 22 months. Again, I scoff her with a Hah. When we put forth more than you bring in, there is no getting out of debt. Which sucks.

This afternoon we watched Napoleon Dynamite. Mom didn't laugh not one single time. (I also got an offline from my friend Stacie today, asking me that if she didn't like it, could we still be friends. Geez, people.) So the rest of the afternoon as Heather and I so annoyingly quoted lines from the movie, Mom still wasn't amused. But by the time she left she did answer a question with, "I caught you a delicious bass." It was pretty funny.

Here's the A #1 Best Part of the Day:
We are building a playhouse! I even had the balls to call my mother in law and ask her if she would kindly consider putting the money she was going to spend on the kids a Mule instead on lumber to help build this playhouse. Technically, she'd be money ahead on the playhouse. She agreed! So in two weeks construction will begin. I am psyched and will chronicle the construction, as I'm sure you'll all be so eager to follow. Hey, if you're not, pretend, k?

Well, tomorrow is Mr. Diva's birthday (42 - Egad!) and we're having ribs for lunch then going gambling. What an awesome day it might be. Mom walked out of the casino on her birthday with $103, Christy left with $200 and I, being the typical loser I am regarding all things gaming, left with $61. Here's hoping Mr. Diva fares better than I did and more like everyone else!

The Diva has spoken at 8:27 PM CST
Friday, February 4, 2005
Professional Day is just another way to say Parental Torture
Mood:  sharp
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The kids are home from school today. They are not making this a good day. Already I've had to break out the oh so heinous punishment of "Kiss Your Sibling". Yep, when they are so bad with the fighting and bickering and arguing I make them apologize, hug, then kiss. They hate it. But sometimes, sometimes, it makes them quit. Today, however, it hasn't.

Poor McKenzie. Another day of therapy for that kid.

*deep shaky drag on her cigarette* "Man, they just kept AT each other! The fighting...it was awful. Afwul. And their mother. Oh that poor woman... she was so beyond help that she sat at her computer for a solid hour in her pajamas. I think she was trying to ignore them *another deep drag* but man, how can you ignore something like that? You CAN'T, man...you can't."

I should probably just go ahead and write her mom a check for at least two therapy sessions right now. It's the least I can do.

Speaking of therapy and kissing family members...
Awhile back Sam and Gentry, my nephew, were fighting. Not just bickering, but all out WWE Smackdown stuff. I had gotten onto them repeatedly and they just kept right on. Then someone got hurt and the fighting became bloody out of anger. I busted them both, sat them in chairs and when everyone had quit crying I told them to hug. Then kiss. The looks on those poor boys' faces was of pure horror. They looked at each other and then at me and you could see fight or flight being considered. Finally, after threats of more spankings and a call to Gent's momma and possibly a grounding, they kissed each other quickly on the cheek and Sam fled to his room. Gentry just sat there, his face covered with his hands. I left the room, walked around the corner and silently laughed till tears rolled down my cheeks. A little bit later I walked back into the living room to find Gentry sitting in the same position. I said, "Buddy, you aren't in trouble anymore. You can go play." Nothing. "Gent? You okay?"

"No, Aunt Kiki! I'm not okay! I keep remembering that KISS!!"

*deep drag on his cigarette* "Man, we were just blowin' off some steam, wrestlin' and stuff and then someone got hurt...can't remember which one of us...and my aunt *drags shakily* man, she swatted us both. That wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt. But man...when she made us KISS. Dude, that is JUST NOT RIGHT."

The Diva has spoken at 9:47 AM CST
Updated: Friday, February 4, 2005 9:49 AM CST
Thursday, February 3, 2005
Funny kids
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: The freaking Outfreakingdoor freaking Channel - what else?
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The kids do not have school tomorrow, so Ab's friend McKenzie is spending the night tonight. This poor child is an Only and very adamant about staying an Only, so to throw her into my rather loud and rambunctious house o' children... Well, let's just say that she'll get her money's worth out of that therapy session. She's a good kid, I gotta say and we all love her to pieces. Tonight the four children and I loaded up and headed to the Wal-Mart for paper plates, ice cream and a loaf of bread. Then it was off to the video store to get Mulan 2 for the flumber party and Karate Kid for the boys' sleepover. My three children were obviously listening to the voices in their heads that tell them to act as horrible as humanly possible, thus embarrassing their mother and their houseguest, making people all over the store stare at them and then shake their heads in utter disdain and making their mother have a strange recurring tic on the left side of her face. Poor McKenzie stuck close to me the entire time we were in there. I wouldn't have wanted to be associated with them either. Little shits. Mulan 2 was all checked out and Ab cried. Man. Wasn't fair to her that Bubby's movie was in and hers wasn't. Man. She wanted to go to the other video store, but I told her no, we only rent from this one. On and on she kept badgering me. I was tired. So here's the testament to my inept mothering skills: She kept on and on and finally I said, "Abby! Dadgummit! We don't rent from the other video store because I owe them money and have for a year and I'm sure they have red-flagged me and if I walk through the doors I'm liable to be arrested! Now! Do you really want me to go check over there for Mulan 2???" She'll probably get her money's worth out of that therapy session as well, because it seems that lately I'm doing everything I can to assure my kids a life-long Christmas-card-sending relationship with their therapist.

**********************************

But here are the funny things that happened this evening--

McKenzie was telling us this over dinner: "One time I looked up in the sky and there was these three helicopters flyin' and guys was droppin down out of `em. Or almost. And I got kinda scared. I watched `em. And then I thought 'Well, the war's come to town.' Later I told my Granny that the war was comin' to town - look at those helicopters - and she said, '`Kenzie, those are birds.' I felt kinda silly."

********

Sam, not to be one-upped, started telling a story about a huge buck walking out of the brush here on our property. He was describing in vivid detail how it sounded when the beast emerged from the thicket. The girls were riveted. Then suddenly Abby came to a realization. "Hey! That wasn't even you that happened to! It was me!"

"Oh. Yeah."

********

McKenzie asked, "You wanna see a picture of my boyfriend? Cuz I got one." She unsnapped the oh so convenient pocket on the leg of her jeans and pulls out a picture of the magnificent Tristen. It's a picture of the boy with a clipboard holding his artwork, artwork is tacked up on the backdrop behind him. It's really a neat picture. I said, "Oh, does he draw? Is he an artist?" McKenzie said, "Oh yes, he's a great draw-er. He draws some purty neat stuff." Abby concurred, "Yeah, he draws this football skull thing that is awesome, dude. Yeah...that Tristen, he's one cool man." I said, "Abby, he's 8. He is not a man." She shrugged, took a bite of her grilled cheese sandwich and said, "Well, he likes it when we call him a man. So we do."

********

When we got home from town everyone was tired and I sent them all back to get their pj's on. All three girls went to the girls' room and shut the door. Sam changed in the living room then felt compelled to run at top speed down the hall and fling open the door to the girls' room. Of course, you know that screams and squeals came forth. He giggled and ran away, then ran back. I said, "Sam Hoover! What in the world are you doing!? It is not appropriate for a boy to go into a room when young ladies are changing clothes! They don't have shirts on!" He said, "So? I don't have a shirt on either." I said, "True, but you don't have boobies." He shrugged and said, "Neither do they."

The Diva has spoken at 11:11 PM CST
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Teach your children well
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
This scene just played out in the next room:

Kady comes running down the hall bawling her head off. You can tell it's not a real cry because she's got her jaws unhinged in order to create the most noise possible, yet there are strangely no tears. She is also punctuating her cries with little "WahhhhhHAaaaaaaHAaaaaaHaaaaaa"'s as she runs, each step making her voice hitch.

Mr. Diva: (I really do like that name) Abby! What did you do to her THIS time?
Kady: Sissy! Twisted! My! FINNNNNNNGER!! (more bawling)
Abby: DID NOT!
Mr. Diva: Abby LeAnna, you better not be twisting no fingers! Come here and let me twist your finger!
Abby: Nuh uh! (starts backing away)
Mr. Diva: I'll twist your damn finger right off, little miss.
Abby: I'm sorry! Gaw!
Mr. Diva: I'll break you kids of that fightin' if I have to beat you to get you to quit.

Thatta boy, sweetie...you got this parenting thing down pat.

The Diva has spoken at 7:05 PM CST
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Dirty snowman
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Around 9:30 this morning I had finally heard enough "Momma, can we play in the snow"'s to last me a lifetime and we all got dressed and headed out into that whole 3 inches of snow we got last night. Evidently we got more during the night because it wasn't that deep when I went to bed.




This was Kady's first time to ever play in the snow, bless her baby heart. Her first winter she was too little, I'm talkin' like 2 months old. Then the last two winters she's been sick on the rare occasions we've had enough snow to play in. Sad that the child is 3 and just now has played in the snow. She really enjoyed herself. Well, until the puppy knocked her onto her back and started licking her face until she screamed. And being the kind, compassionate mother I am, I stood there and laughed until I could finally get enough breath to yell at her older sister to help her.




Sam got a facefull of snow, courtesy of his older sister. He loved it though. A year ago he would've dissolved into a puddle of tears and then stomped into the house. Today he laughed. Huge improvement.




The snow was sparse, at best. It was melting and dripping and mushy gooshy nasty. And dirty. And I don't think that snowman ever got as tall as Verne Troyer, either.



The Diva has spoken at 10:15 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, January 29, 2005 10:29 PM CST
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Conversation
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Ohhhhh, if we manage to raise these children without them ending up completely warped it's going to be a miracle.

As I mentioned maybe a week or so ago, I've been a little on the randy side lately. (Sorry if this embarrasses you, Cousin Keith - but keep reading. Trust me, it's funny.) Also keep in mind that since early 2001, our bedroom has been at the completely opposite end of the house from the children. We haven't really had to worry about ahem...noise. Well, now our bedroom is directly across the hall from the kids' rooms. I'm still in an adjustment phase, I guess. Tonight we were having a family dinner, which has been rare around here lately. I was basking in the glow of looking around the table and seeing my darling little family, enjoying a really good steak, when out of the blue Ab says, "I can hear you guys talking in your room at night." Paul and I both stopped our forks in mid-air and stared at each other, then turned to her. I know I turned 40 shades of red. Paul got this smirky grin on his face and asked, "Oh yeah? Well, tell me, Miss Abby, what do we say?" She kind of shrugged non-chalantly said, "Eh, nothing I can really understand. It's usually just Mom's voice. The other night she got kinda loud. Were you fighting?" It was all I could do to keep from just bursting into either laughter or tears. I looked down at my plate, trying to decide if I was amused or mortified. When I looked up, directly across the table from me is my ornery husband with a look of pure mischief on his face. While locking eyes with me he says, "No, Ab, your mom and I weren't fighting. We were just having a conversation. And if I remember correctly it was a pretty good one." My eyes widened, I was shocked he was being so blatant at trying to mortify me. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. It got very quiet in the dining room. Finally Sam goes, "Man! I never get to hear their conversations!! What were you talking about?" Paul opened his mouth and I just cut him off with "Nothing! Hey, buddy, you better eat. Tonight 'Lost' is on and you don't wanna miss that!"

So all evening I have had to endure my husband making comments like "Hey, when are we going to have a conversation again, huh?" and "Man, I'm tired. Let's go to bed and have a conversation."

I think my randy spell is over.

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 PM CST
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Rammit! Rammit! Rammit!
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Abby spent the night at my mom's last night. I met her halfway between our two houses to pick Ab up. Mom handed me her suitcase and a WalMart sack. She had sent a few t-shirts for Paul to wear to work. It also held Ab's copy of Home on the Range

and The Scooby Doo Movie.

I said, "Oh great. We're trying to break Sam of the Scooby talk, but that's okay. They'll enjoy watching it."

It would've been absolutely classic had Mom responded with "Ruh ro. Rorry, Ristin." She didn't. But, if she's anything like me, she drove off then thought of it.

The Diva has spoken at 2:38 PM CST
Saturday, January 15, 2005
I have strange children
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
My two youngest children like to read the phone book. Here's the first problem - neither of them can read. Okay, well Sam can read about Nat the fat cat who sat on Jan and then Rags ran to Dan in the van, but that's about it. Kady is three and is not a prodigy, therefore she can't read either. Yet these two children can be entertained for hours with a phone book.

Sam is lying here in my office floor, on his tummy, propped up on his elbows, flipping through the phone book like it's a freakin' Grisham novel.

Just a few minutes ago he jumped up like he was on fire, flung the phone book in my face, pointed to the page and yells "Ronster! Ronster!" I slowly turned toward him, gave him the blankest look I possibly could, and said "I refuse to acknowledge the Scooby talk anymore, son."

"Rokay, Rom."

The Diva has spoken at 6:26 PM CST
Friday, January 7, 2005
What Kady said
Mood:  happy
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
My three year old, despite the fact that she refuses to use the pronoun "I", talks way older than she is. She comes up with things that blow me away sometimes. Reading the story about her calling her daddy "bitch" should've clued you in to this fact.

Yesterday she was sitting in the kitchen floor while I washed dishes, (Yep, still doing it by hand. Bleh) using a new package of napkins as a computer. She was sitting indian-style, her package of napkins in front of her, banging away on that sucker. I guess it had the Bounty2 Processor or something. Well, she banged around on it long enough that the package finally ripped open. I had to take it away from her and gave her a Tupperware container instead. In my opinion, it made a better computer anyway. So after I managed to convince her that plastic really was better than paper, she began typing again. She'd ask me a question and then type away, obviously practicing her dictation skills. She asked me what my favorite color was. I told her blue. She said "Purple?" I said, "No, blue." "Purple?" "Blue." "Purple?" "Yes Kady, purple." "Okay, Momma." Finally the questions stopped, but she continued talking to herself. Asking questions and answering them, which is kind of concerning, but I think it's okay. She is three after all. So then I hear her say:

"Me don't like it when the ballerinas lift me over their heads. Me crazy like that."

I slowly turned around to look at her. She just grinned up at me with the most adorable look on her face. Then suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch, she jumped up, kicked her Tupperware computer across the floor and said, "Music! Me need music! Me. Must. Dance!"

She's crazy like that.

The Diva has spoken at 6:03 PM CST
Friday, December 31, 2004
"MOM! Mom! I killed a mouse!"
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The weather here is freakishly warm today. The children have been cooped up and forced to help with the moving and cleaning for the last few days. So when they asked if they could go outside I yelled a resounding "YES!" and helped them get their shoes on. I'm kinda ready for school to resume.

Off they went, squealing, blowing a rather obnoxious whistle their Grammy With The Circle Head gave them in their stockings, laden with backpacks and Sam armed with his camera. 15 minutes of peace ruled here in my house, with only faint sounds of the squealing and whistle-blowing wafting in from outside. Then I hear 6 little legs rustling through the leaves, coming ever closer to the front door and that funny little tic I've developed over this Christmas break started in again. An invasion was about to happen. Then I hear "NO! I'M going to tell her!" and I only could imagine what they were going to confess to. 6 little legs brought 3 panting, racing children to my side, wide-eyed and breathless. I looked at them all, waiting to hear what they had destroyed, or at least maimed.

"MOM!!Mom! I killed a mouse!" This from my eldest child, the "Diva in the Making" she calls herself. My little Diva killed a mouse?!? Then the story was related how she saw the dog hunting in the wood pile and how she moved logs with her jump-rope and when the little critter ran out she sic'd the dog on it. This is how she kills a mouse? Sounds vaguely how I would kill a mouse - by proxy.

The other two children stood beside her and looked up with stars in their eyes; she was obviously the new hero of the family. When she was finally done and all I could do was grimace slightly and then say "Wow, Ab, that was some adventure", Sam held forth his cheapo dollar store camera and said

"And I got lots of photos of the whole thing!" Shhhyeah, can't wait to get those developed.

The Diva has spoken at 11:34 AM CST
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I'll always remember...
Mood:  special
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
... Kady sitting in the Wal-Mart cart on a box of fire starter logs, waving to the other folks doing last minute Christmas shopping.
Like a Princess on a Rose Parade float. Occasionally speaking a gracious "Hewwo", but mostly waving ever so stately.
In her purple irridescent coat.
And her camouflage sweats.
And her hair half out of her ponytail.
Covered in groceries.
Wiping her nose on her sleeve.

Yep, them's serious memory-makers right there, friends.

The Diva has spoken at 3:51 PM CST
Feliz what?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The insane screams & squeals of my out of control children
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Sung to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog, I need to buy him a new flea collar.

Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog.
Fleas on my dog, I need to buy him a new flea collar.

I need to buy him a new flea collar.
I need to buy him a new flea collar.
I need to buy him a new flea collar from the bottom of my heaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart.

Sam and Gentry sang this about 4 katrillion times yesterday during the 30 minute drive from our house to Joplin. Then they got bored with those lyrics and started adding "poop" in at random spots.

Like "I need to buy him a new poop collar from the poop of my pooooooooooooooooop". And things like that. Then they would giggle hysterically.

*sigh*

They go back to school on January 3rd. That seems like eons away.

The Diva has spoken at 3:29 PM CST
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Holiday germs
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: The theme music to Super Mario World on the living room TV
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
It is now, I'm afraid, a tradition for at least one Hoover child to be sick at Christmas. Last year Abby was seriously sick and was so worried she was "going to ruin Christmas". She didn't, but let me tell you, it really weighed on her. Now it's KD's turn. Next year, Sammy's up.

Yesterday, before Festivus commenced, we had her birthday party. I was curling my hair and she was in her room just whining and crying-ish and generally being a little butt. I kept asking her what was wrong, no answer. Shrieks came from her room if a sibling went near and I was just dreading a party with a cranky birthday girl. Finally, my hair curled and my temper short, I went into her room to get to the bottom of the situation. There she was, in her party dress, sitting on her knees in her bedroom floor, white as a sheet and crying. I scooped her up and discovered she was burning up! Her fever was 102.7. It was 5:30 and the party was supposed to start at 6. I called Mom who said "Give her a double dose of Motrin and strip her down." So I did just that. Thankfully everyone was late to the party, so it gave the Motrin plenty of time to work it's magic and by the time 6:15 rolled around, she was cool and playing again. She ran the fever all morning and it broke this afternoon, drenching she and I both in her sweat. She also developed a rather not-so-pleasant case of diarrhea this afternoon, too. I figured it was a fluke virus or something and that was that, but who knows. At 8 when I was tucking her in, I thought she felt hot. Yep, fever was 102.3. So far she's sleeping peacefully, but if my Mommy memory serve me right, they always sleep peacefully until you go to bed. Then they wake up crying and spend the night in your bed, talking in their sleep and kicking you in the kidneys.

The Diva has spoken at 10:56 PM CST
Out of the mouths of babes
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
The other night in the van we were singing Christmas songs. My children have been warped by public school and now can't seem to remember the actual words to Jingle Bells. They always sing it wrong and they just giggle at their cleverness. They also have the 3 year old doing it, too. *sigh* So Abby bursts into a loud chorus of Jingle Bells:
"Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg.
Batman Bill lost his wheels..."

I have no clue what she said after that because I nearly ran off the road because I was laughing so hard.

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Sis and I were talking, we thought quietly, some grownup talk on the way home from Tulsa. She spelled S-E-X, which is a really easy one to sound out. And Abby's 8, for cryin' out loud. From the back seat I hear Ab say "Sex...sex...It's SEXICLAUS!" Then when we started laughing she said it repeatedly in a rather sultry voice that, just quite frankly, frightened me.

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Sam: Mom, is son of a bitch a bad word?
Me: Yes, son.
Sam: Hmm...Billy at school says son of a bitch all the time.
Me: Well, Billy isn't my kid and I can't control what he says. You know you shouldn't say it, though.
Sam: Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't say son of a bitch.
Me: Sam...
Sam: Mom, I said I know I'm not supposed to say son of a bitch! I wouldn't ever say son of a bitch!

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Courtney and Sam have a little duet worked up to "Deck the Halls". She sings a line, he sings one, etc. It's precious, but the best part of the song is when he says "Don we now our gay dee wedder". I'm not sure what a gay dee wedder is, but it's now on my Christmas list, just in case it turns out to be the next Tickle Me Elmo.

The Diva has spoken at 10:18 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, December 19, 2004 11:03 PM CST
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
It's Tuesday. Yep, Tuesday. Alllllllll day it's been Tuesday
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
I accomplished SO much today! I wasn't sure how it would go because usually Mondays and Tuesdays I don't accomplish much because I've got the extra kid and well, she's one and a half and well, no one accomplishes much with a kid that age in their house. Except playing! But I knew I had things to do and I pressed on. I rearranged my entire bedroom and dusted it. Yes. I dusted my bedroom. I do that like twice a year. No kidding. I mean, I dust the living room like once a month (the kids will run amuck with the feather duster occasionally as well), but I never dust my bedroom. We live on a dirt road, what's the point of dusting. 20 minutes later it's covered in a layer of dust again. I gave up long ago. But out here in the bedroom, it was a much dusty place. It shines now, lemme tell ya. And between the orange scented Grabits and the orange scented Pledge it's rather citrus-y out here tonight. And spacious! Amazing how just moving your bed and night stands to the spot they were in before that you hated because you felt you had no room can make you feel like there's more space. Now to get the sheets (which are freshly laundered ) back on the bed and slip into their flannell-y softness...mmmm.

Today KD played School all day. Now, they play school a lot, but usually Ab's here to boss them all around. They do what Ab says because she's Ab and she says so. But today K took it upon herself to think up the story line and run with it. Of course, bossing Chandler around. I wonder where my girls get it.... Anyhoo, she came down the hall in her Larry and Bob t-shirt, purple wind pants, Tinker Bell opaque green plastic "heels", Little Bear backpack on her back and about 20 strands of Mardi Gras beads. Why I didn't snap a picture I'll never know. Then she tells me she wants me to be the teacher. Well, honestly I was busy and on a roll dusting and all so I told her that maybe Chandler should be the teacher until Ab got home and I'd just be the janitor lady and I'd clean some more. That seemed to satify her. Off she clack-clacked in her Tink shoes. Then she came back, flipping her wild curls back off her shoulders and waving her arms like the drama princess she is said "Me know! You can be the Cooker Lady!" And so thus began the legacy of the Cooker Lady. Cooker Lady, in Kady speak, is a Lunch Lady or Cafeteria Worker or Elementary School Food Service Technician. Or something like that. All day long I'd be visited in my bedroom by a nearly 3 year old, a 2 and a half year old and a 1 and a half year old and they'd greet me with a chorus of "Hi Cooker Lady!!!" And occasionally she'd come out and ask me "Hey Cooker Lady, when you gonna fix me some lunch, Cooker Lady?" And I'd adjust my hair net - which today was a red 'do rag - and say, "In just a bit, little girl. Right now I'm spreading the scent of orange throughout my bedroom." or some other janitorial-like comment. She'd look at me funny and say "You so weird, Cooker Lady."

The Diva has spoken at 10:44 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, December 7, 2004 10:45 PM CST
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Variety is the spice of life
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Kids & other noisy things
Instead of "Daaaaaaaaaaaady! DaddyDaddyDaddyDaddddddddddddddy!" now I'm getting a loud earful of "Momma! MommaMommaMommaMommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmma!"

No one can say that kid is a slave to routine. Go, baby...mix it up a little, what say?

The Diva has spoken at 9:50 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:28 PM CST

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