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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, February 18, 2005
Mommy-dom
Mood:  special
Topic: Mommy Moment
I have had two really good days in a row. Considering that during the weekend and the first of the week I cried virtually nonstop, this is saying something.

Yesterday afternoon I almost kind of lost it when the reality that
*I had to drive to town to pick up our one town Brownie,
*I had to be back in 20 minutes (it's a 20 minute drive just TO town) because they've started running the bus route backwards in the evening and I had not just 2, but 4 kids getting off the bus 20 minutes earlier than usual,
*I needed to pick up GS cookies, but there was no way in hell THAT was going to happen till later,
*I couldn't get hold of one Brownie mom, which meant that she would be at my house shortly, regardless of the fact that I cancelled the meeting, albeit last minute.

AND THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!

Normally on Brownie nights, my sister picks up some of the slack, but she has the flu. Real, true and 100% influenza. She is one sick sister.

SO I cancelled Brownies, yeah, we went over that. I had my Kady, Chandler and my nephew, Gentry (because Sis was so sick she couldn't even get out of bed to feed him, bless her heart!) and when the bus ran that added my Abby and Sam, plus my niece, Addison and Ab's friend, McKenzie. THEN Magnet Lady came over (she was the Brownie mom I couldn't reach) with her daughter. And THEN I had kinda, in the chaos of it all, forgotten that I had called my sister in law to see if her niece, Cheyenne, could spend the night. They hit right after Magnet Lady did. If you weren't keeping a running total, that adds up to 9 children. Yeah....9.

But here's the weird part. It was awesome.

My house was full of children! Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of having children all over the place - either my own or other's coming to visit my own. While the herd of children played - and played well, I must add - Magnet Lady, McKenzie's mom, my sister in law and I all visited. We talked over Valentine's Day (the group was split as to whether the holiday sucked or didn't. Guess how Magnet Lady and I voted.) we talked about life in general, husbands in general, and it was WONDERFUL. The house was noisy, the kids were rambunctious, but they weren't killing each other, no one was bleeding, furniture was still intact and I was in my own little version of heaven.

My sister in law had to go finally. McKenzie and her mom had to go and so did Magnet Lady and Little Miss Magnet, my brother in law picked up my niece and nephew, Jill picked up Chandler and then suddenly, even with 4 children still here, my house was quiet.

But I couldn't relish in it quiet yet. There were still 500 some odd boxes of Girl Scout cookies in Miami waiting for me to pick them up. So I loaded up the kids and off we sped. They were waiting on us and I felt bad I'd made them wait. But the good part of that was, they were more than willing to help me load up because they were ready to GO. Okay, so when I see all of the cookies that were set aside just for my little Troop of 5 girls, I nearly had a cow. The back doors to my van do not open. I had 4 children in my van. I do not drive a freakin' semi, just an Astro. But hey, I am the Almighty Girl Scout Leader and somehow 41 cases of cookies fit in there. Granted, the children had their knees under their chins, boxes were stacked to the ceiling, I drove with my right arm outstretched to keep the leaning tower in my passenger seat from crashing down on my head, but by golly they fit. I prayed that we didn't have a wreck because we'd have never found the children in that mess.

So when we got home I unloaded enough boxes to get the three big kids out and they didn't even have to be told, they just started taking the boxes in the house. Yay kids! I did something RIGHT regarding your upbringing to this point! Once the van was unloaded we stacked the cookies according to variety and I sent the kids off to straighten up the toyroom. You can only imagine how it looked after 9 kids had been playing in it. While they cleaned, I made dinner and began re-heating chili for Paul. I felt like Martha fucking Stewart, I swear.

We let the kids stay up late and they thought they were the hippest kids around when I said it was okay that they watch ER. Abby exclaimed during a commercial break, "Dude! WHY haven't you told us about this show before??" I didn't divulge that normally during ER they are asleep and her father and I lie on the couch, cop feels and make out like teenagers. I kind of thought she didn't need to know that. I just shrugged and grinned instead.

This morning I made breakfast like a freakin' pro, flipping pancakes onto plates like a short-order cook, timing the bacon to come out of the oven at just the right time and man, I had my game on.

Sis got all kinds of froggy this morning and thought she was well enough to take her kids to town. She made it through the eye doctor appointment and then fell to pieces. I insisted that she bring the kids to me (actually I tried insisting that she let me take them to the eye doctor, but since Addison has vision issues she felt she should) and told her that if she kept refusing that I was going to tell Mom. She looked like hell when she dropped them off. I sent her home with Chloraseptic spray and orders to go straight to bed.

You'd think adding two kids to the mix would make things fall apart. Nope. Things only got better. Because since there was a boy here finally, Sam quit pestering the girls and everone settled down. Lunch was again, a miracle in itself. They ate without spilling or making too big of a mess and they got, what else, Girl Scout cookies for dessert. They all watched Finding Nemo awhile ago and when that was over I sent them outside. Not too long after they went outside, the neighbor dropped off his two girls until their mom gets off work. I think, if I counted correctly the last time they came through for drinks, there are 8 of them now. And life is good.


The Diva has spoken at 3:16 PM CST
Thursday, January 20, 2005
She's only eight
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Mommy Moment
The other night the phone rang and when I said hello I was met with "Is Abby there?" Well, I kind of giggled, thinking it was my niece, Addison. I asked who was calling. She replied, "It's Peyton." Oh. Okay. Alright. So I hollered for Ab. She had this weird look on her face when I handed her the phone and said, "It's for you." She trepiditiously said a quiet hello and then her entire body relaxed upon hearing Peyton's voice and she goes "WHASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUP?"

I just stared in awe at this creature that a mere 8 years ago emerged from my body, helpless and needing me for everything, relying on me to meet her nutritional, emotional and yes, conversational needs.

I just stood there and watched her twirl her hair around her finger and giggle into the phone. I must've been gawking. She finally rolled her eyes, flipped her head (if her hair was long it would've flung out dramatically from her shoulders) and strutted down the hall and out of my view. As she walked into her room she went "Gaw!"

A little later Peyton asked if Abby could come over. Abby asked and I told her no. It was a school night, I had a Girl Scout leader's meeting plus it was Ladies' Night. Hello, where does THIS kid's mom hang out on Mondays? I heard Abby say repeatedly, "No, Peyton, Mom said no." Then a little bit later she asked, "Mom, Peyton wants to know if she can come over here." I said, "No, Abby. It is a school night. If you two want to schedule some kind of play date (she rolled her eyes at the words 'play date') her mom can call me." So Abby relayed this message to Peyton. Obviously the message didn't sink in to the child's brain and I could hear Abby repeatedly saying "No. My mom already said no." Finally Abby had had enough. She said, "No, Peyton. Look. My mom said no. That means no. I'm not asking again. You obviously don't know my mom."

Now either that means that my child respects me enough that she knows that what I say goes. Or else she thinks I'm unstable and might snap at any moment. I'm going to vote for the first one.

The Diva has spoken at 4:06 PM CST
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Is there anything cuter?
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Still the squealing and screaming
Topic: Mommy Moment
Today I took all four children to town. This in and of itself is a task not for the faint of heart. Then factor in that it is a mere 4 days till Christmas AND we are supposed to get a snow/ice storm tonight and tomorrow. Yet I took them, simply because I knew we needed groceries and I still had a few last-minute Christmas gifts to buy. I stopped at the post office first to mail Tiff Christmas CD's (the ones I did not burn for her becuase that's just wrong) that she will now get like a day before Christmas because I haven't had the money to mail a package until today. Then we went to Pizza Hut for lunch. Now, I could've just run us through the drive-thru somewhere and we could've eaten in the car, but nope, I am Super Mom and I have to make things entirely more complicated than need be. Abby and Sam had earned free personal pans from Book-It, so we all had cheap pizza and honestly, the kids were angels. They blew their straw wrappers at each other, smacking each other in the face with them and instead of, like I normally would, yelling "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO YOU WANT TO POKE YOUR SISTER'S EYE OUT WITH THAT STRAW WRAPPER?" I was somehow overtaken by the Spirit of Christmas and let them blow away. No one's eye was poked out either. I got them plate after plate of cheese bread off of the buffett, even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to. They all ate, they remembered those enigmatic manners that tend to come and go so often, they told the waitress that I was the best mom ever and Chandler licked me when he said "Chandler loves Kristin".

They all got sodas AND their bank suckers on the way home. Of course, now their heads are threatening to spin off their shoulders, they are talking really fast and their eyes won't focus. Sugar is crank for children.

BUT I keep thinking back to sweet little Chandler licking me when he said he loved me and even though it initially left me with an icky kind of germ-phobic gnawing in the pit of my stomach, it still gave me a warm fuzzy. I still had that warm fuzzy feeling when I wiped my hand on my sweats and got out the hand sanitizer. Kids are pretty cool. Even if they lick you.

The Diva has spoken at 3:43 PM CST
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Kids are funny things
Topic: Mommy Moment
Either they are bickering at each other nonstop, threatening physical abuse or worse, death. They yell "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" and "SHE'S BREATHING MY AIR!" and the like. They touch each other just so they can hear their sibling scream "SHE'S TOUCHING ME!" They swear they hate each other and that they wish they'd never had a brother/sister. They are noisy while they are doing all of this and I find myself counting to five. A lot. Slowly. Over. and. over.

Then other times they play together so well, squealing and screaming and giggling those adorable belly laughs that no adult is capable of. They share, for the love of God - they SHARE. They are loving and caring to each other and so protective of each other that I'd rather encounter a cranky badger with the DT's in a dark alley on a full moon than mess with the sibling they are protecting. I hear on the monitor (Yes, she's almost 3 and yes I still have a monitor in her room - so what?) things like "Sissy, you da best. Me loves you." and "God is cool for giving you to us, cuz you know Mom and Dad weren't planning on you." and "Sissy, can I marry you when I grow up?" and other sweet, precious things like that.

Being a mom is so cool.

The Diva has spoken at 5:03 PM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST

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