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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
Dooder confusion
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Remember a few weeks ago when my sister had the flu and I was watching Cute Baby? Well, one morning when Cute Mommy, who has the most adorable southern accent I've ever heard, was leaving she said, "Aoh and bah the wayyy...hay's got a liddle raysh own he-is dooder." Translation: The kid had a rash on his dooder. Okay, that's all well and good, except I had no earthly idea what a "dooder" was. Was it his chubby little buns? Was it his twig and/or berries? Agh, what in the world was a dooder?? This is something I should've actually clarified with her before I let her walk out the door. But, being Super Mom and all, I just nodded and said, "Gotcha. Rash. On dooder. K." I mean, hey, I've been doing daycare since I was 18. Rashes I can handle. Even on dooders.

So the first diaper change rolled around and I was eager to dispell the mystery of the dooder. I exposed the diaper-covered nether regions of Cute Baby to find that his entire erm...area down there was rashed! So much for figuring out what the hell a dooder was. I smeared diaper rash cream all over that kid's buns, twigs, berries, lions and tigers and bears. Ohhhhhmy.

Well, of course, when Sis was well again I had to share the absolute adorable-ness of Cute Mommy's notification of a dooder problem. By this time I had concluded on my own that a dooder was indeed a behind. I mean, it just made sense to me. Although, I never verbalized my findings to anyone - I just passed on the story.

Last night when I finally found Sis at the casino, lo and behold she was with Cute Mommy. Pleasantries were exchanged: "How's Cute Baby?" "Aoh, hay's fan." "Great! He sure is cute. Have you won anything yet?" "Na-oh. Nawt a thang yay-et. Hay-ev yaou?" "Not yet. Just got here." Etc, etc. Then Sis fesses up that she told Cute Mommy that I told her about the dooder. Great. Cute Mommy is all of 22 years old. I am 10 years older than her and for some reason I find myself wanting to maintain as many cool points as possible around her. Great. So Heather has spilled her guts regarding my amusement at the dooder.

Keep in mind that I have since started calling everyone a "dooder head". The kids call each other dooder head. They call their father a dooder head. In my mind since a dooder is a butt, a dooder head is a butthead.

Then Cute Mommy says, "Aoh, mah gawsh...Ah cayn't bay-leeve Ah aycshooly sayad dooder to yaou! But Ah jayst wusn't shoore ayf ayt was aokay to drawp the "Pay" word." Translation: FOR THEM THE DOODER IS THE "P" WORD. Dooder = penis.

Oh heavenly days -

My children have been calling their father and each other dick heads.

The Diva has spoken at 10:23 AM CST
Updated: Tuesday, March 8, 2005 10:25 AM CST
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The Oreo Story - per Magnet Lady's request
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Okay, so this morning on her blog, Magnet Lady - aka, my friend Christy - asked that I share the Oreo Story.

Disclaimer: If you choose to go forward and read this incredibly disgusting story, Redneck Diva Corp. Inc. Manuf. LLC, will not be held responsible for any subsquent gagging, wretching or groans of displeasure that emit from you.

This rather large woman was going to have surgery. Okay, "rather large" doesn't properly describe her - she was morbidly obese. What she was having surgery for, I have no clue, because as all good urban legends go you can't have all the information, lol. They get her on the table, put her under anesthetic and begin prepping her for the surgery. They drape her and begin cleaning her stomach with Betadyne. Well, being the large woman she was, she had quite a few folds, bends and flat-out crevices, canyons, etc. They had to lift the aforementioned folds and clean under, in and around them. While spilunking one particular fat-roll they found a rather large abcess. It was pointed out to the doctor and he said that they should lance it. So they do. And what they find as the cause of her abcess is

and Oreo cookie.

There ya go, Magnet Lady. If I get hate-mail from this I am going to make YOU give ME a pedicure at your spa party! :)


The Diva has spoken at 9:12 AM CST
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Let me entertain you
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I lifted this off of Apropos of Something and found it to be worthy of my blog. Because we're so high-falootin' around here at the Ramblings, right?

A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song, or album

B. Ask me three questions - no more, no less. You may ask anything you want. I reserve the right, however, to give you a not-so-true, smartass answer.

And while we're at it, I'll share with you this music meme that is going around, yet NO ONE has tagged me with it. So what's a girl to do when she finds herself eating with the trogs on the quad in Junior High, wishing herself into a life with the cool kids? She just steals the meme. Okay, so that made no sense and I think it was a flashback if I'm not mistaken. Anyway...here's the music meme:

10 Random Songs From My Music Files:
1. Blurry- Puddle of Mudd
2. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows Feat. Vanessa Carlton
3. The Surrey with the Fringe on Top - From the soundtrack of Oklahoma!
4. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
5. Let's Get it Started - Black Eyed Peas
6. My Lord and Master - from the soundtrack of The King and I
7. Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows (Shrek soundtrack)
8. Over and Over - Nelly Feat. Tim McGraw
9. Landslide - Dixie Chicks
10. Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver

Total amount of music files on my computer:
105.4 MB

Last CD I bought:
Heavier Things - John Mayer

Last song I listened to before this message:
The tail end of "1984" by Bowling for Soup
Now, "Since U Been Gone" by that American Idol chick...what is her name....

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. Only Love - The Statler Brothers (This song is just so pure and heart-touching that I can't help but tear up when I hear it.)
2. What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (My gosh, it IS a wonderful world, isn't it? This is going to be played at my funeral, btw.)
3. Please Come to Boston - David Allan Coe (My gosh, he loves her so much and she just can't go to him...)
4. Daughters - John Mayer (So honest and true)
5. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows (Dunno why - just like it.)

Tag! You're it:
1. Courtney
2. Tiff - my BFF
3. Christy - who you must all go check out because she's my friend AND the 6th person to blog because of little ol' me!!!

Okay, girls...show us your music!

And everyone, don't forget to do the first set of questions!!

The Diva has spoken at 2:36 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, February 12, 2005 2:37 PM CST
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
Let them eat cake!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I just had to share a picture of the cake I made last night. I hardly ever make them because, frankly they are a pain in the ass. But they're so pretty and everyone just ooh's and aah's, so it's almost kinda worth it.



Voila'!


The Diva has spoken at 10:48 PM CST
Thursday, February 3, 2005
I turned up in a Google search - who knew
Mood:  special
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Oh wow...I just accidently found the page that shows referrers to my blog. Yikes.

One was someone looking for a photo of the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak. Understandable seeing as how I posted awhile back about my confectionary village and snow days of my youth.

One was just me showing up in a search for "redneck" Yeah buddy. I'm that for sure. Even if the title didn't blatantly state it.

But the last one was just icky. Icky I tell you. I see how it picked up my site, but IEW. I wish it hadn't.

Now I may very well become a slave to not only my counter, but my referring pages as well. I'm just too easy. Can anyone say "addictive personality"?

The Diva has spoken at 11:30 PM CST
Excerpt from a chat
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
This is just how twisted my friend, Stacie, and I are. We chatted until after 10 last night and both of us got so goofy it wasn't even funny. This piece of dialogue from last night is a prime example of how we are together and always have been.

The conversation started when she said she is supposed to create 13 scrapbooks for her class at daycare by the end of the schoolyear. She and I both loathe scrapbooking. Loathe, people.

methinksgreen: what a crock
redneck_diva73: screw that
methinksgreen: we are of like thinking
methinksgreen: one of our kids' mom let us look at some of her scrapbooking mags. omg
methinksgreen: it's like a whole little cult out there, isn't it?
redneck_diva73: they are a race all their own
redneck_diva73: i do not get the allure
methinksgreen: me either
redneck_diva73: there is no draw for me
methinksgreen: and i love pictures
methinksgreen: i love to take them, i love to look at them
redneck_diva73: but i don't like foo-foo'in 'em all up in a fancy album with 40 gazillion little heart and flowers and baby bottles and then writing a half a novel about each picture
methinksgreen: oh, i am so glad i have someone to bash scrapbooks with
redneck_diva73: *high five*
redneck_diva73: i just don't get it.
methinksgreen: and i love paper, too. strange how my obsessions can come so close to others yet never cross that line
methinksgreen: i can spend HOURS in the pen & paper at wal-mart
redneck_diva73: i have a pen fetish
redneck_diva73: a new pen will just about give me an orgasm
redneck_diva73: okay, that was a little overexaggerated
redneck_diva73: but i still like pens
methinksgreen: now, i new pen that vibrated. THAT would give you an orgasm
redneck_diva73: HELLA YEAH
methinksgreen: OH, OH! Kristin! Here's what you and I can do!
methinksgreen: Enjoy a Mardi Gras cropping party!
methinksgreen: oh, what fun we could have
redneck_diva73: WTF???? are you drinking?
methinksgreen: no, not drinking, but being as sarcastic as all get out
redneck_diva73: LOL
methinksgreen: lol
redneck_diva73: oh that's funny. you and i should crash a crop some night
redneck_diva73: heckle the scrappers
methinksgreen: oh, MAN, we could SO do that
redneck_diva73: "accidently" blow all their paper and die-cuts onto the floor
redneck_diva73: start slopping ill-cut pictures onto pages, writing in crayon......
redneck_diva73: oh man that would be fun
methinksgreen: we could use the real fumy kind of crazy glue to do our pictures!
redneck_diva73: OMG they would all gasp in horror
methinksgreen: flap our hands in the air when the pages got stuck to our thumbs
redneck_diva73: i can hear the hushed conversation around the room ..... "it's not lignin free! can you believe them?" " oh gosh, dorothy....that book's gonna go to pot in 3 or 4 years....tsk tsk"
redneck_diva73: that would be a riot
methinksgreen: i would bring my acid-filled blank pages with the clingy film covers and cram about 8 to 10 pictures on an 8 X 10 sheet
LOL

redneck_diva73: ROFL
redneck_diva73: someone would faint
methinksgreen: wua-lah, dorthy! i'm done! You are STILL on that first page? What the heck have you been doing all this time? I just filled an entire 32 page album!
redneck_diva73: then knock a coke over and just drown the book
methinksgreen: oops! my bad!
redneck_diva73: pick it up, all drippin'.....swing it across the table......
redneck_diva73: watch them all scatter
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
redneck_diva73: heehee
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
methinksgreen: oh, yeah
redneck_diva73: we are evil
methinksgreen: we are
methinksgreen: the evil trolls of scrapbooking
redneck_diva73: i like that!
methinksgreen: and, we could man handle all their pictures before they could use them, or even after they've finished a page, with our fingers after eating pizza. pizza with no forks or napkins
redneck_diva73: i feel a new screen name being born... the_evil_troll_of_scrapbooking...

The Diva has spoken at 11:34 AM CST
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
How much you wanna bet I can throw this football over that mountain?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
UncleR
Uncle Rico
(Please rate my quiz)


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Diva has spoken at 9:08 AM CST
Monday, January 31, 2005
Where?
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Mr. Diva walks into the utility room and as he passes Diva, gooses her with a pair of needle-nosed pliers. (Ah the romance)

Diva: Whoo! (slaps his hand) Whatcha doin', hon?

Mr. Diva: (incoherent mumbling)...screw in my tire...

Diva: (drops the laundry she'd been folding) Well, alright, but it'll probably be kinda crowded.

The Diva has spoken at 8:48 AM CST
Friday, January 28, 2005
ENORMOUS
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Good heavens, WHY oh why are the pictures I post on here so HUGE?

All the other blogs have these cute little, non intrusive pictures and I post freaking museum-sized, in your face photos that will scare the living hell out of you if you're not prepared.

I'm not the geek I think I am when stupid things go wrong with my blog and I'm perplexed to no end.

Of course, it could be that my brain is muddled due to the fact that

IT
IS
FINALLY
SNOWING!

The Diva has spoken at 4:34 PM CST
Sunday, January 9, 2005
All Things Brady
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Can you name all 6 Brady children?
What was the housekeeper's name?
The housekeeper (whose name has been omitted to protect the innocent) had a crush on the butcher - what was his name?

This is how my husband and I entertained ourselves for about 20 minutes this evening. We were flipping through channels on the way to the Outdoor Channel, because he can't stay away from it, and stopped on VH1's The Surreal Life. This season has a former Brady in the cast. This got us to talking about all of the Brady kids and their names. For the life of us, we couldn't come up with the middle girl and any of the boys. OR the housekeeper! Who in the world forgets the housekeeper? I called my mom, because this is what I do. She filled in two of the missing boys, but we still couldn't think of the other. OR the housekeeper! I finally remembered the name of the missing girl while on the phone with her. I told her I'd end up looking for it on the trusty ol' World Wide Web and she told me to call her back. As soon as I hung up I remembered the housekeeper's name. Paul couldn't wait for me to consult the wise Internet for the rest and called the neighbors. Dana had no clue so she put Glenn on the phone. He spouted off the name of the missing boy, the housekeeper's boyfriend AND then queried did we know the name of Mike Brady's boss. I told him that as long as I had the names of the children, the maid and her beau, I was satisfied. Mike Brady's boss...geez.

So tell me, do you know the answers? If you get them all right you get nothing from me, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing all things Brady. Cheap, yes I know.

The Diva has spoken at 9:35 PM CST
Monday, January 3, 2005
Typing one-handed
Mood:  hungry
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
But not because of THAT, silly. I'm eating a piece of ham.

Yep, while the most of the world is on day 3 of their newest diet and some are on day 1 because it's Monday and all and who starts a diet on the weekend - where was I? Oh yeah, well while the rest of the world is on their new 2005 diets, I am not. I am thumbing my nose at the rest of you. I'm just thumbing my nose all over the place and that piece of ham is just waving in the breeze. Just so you know.

Right now I just do not feel motivated to diet. Someday I will. I hope it's soon because my jeans are starting to get a little snug. And last night at El Charro when I slid in the booth my fat roll just kind of rested on the table and it was a might embarrassing. We moved to a table. I felt better later, though, when another larger type person asked to move to a table, too. He couldn't even get IN there. At least I got in there, albeit not comfortably in any way. But I got in. Was there a point here? Oh yeah, anyway, right now I'm not motivated to diet and what's the point of starting one if you're not ready? You have to do it for you and when you are ready. Otherwise you will not succeed.

At least this is what I'll tell myself the next time I try to slide in a booth and my fat roll rests on the table.

Mmmm...I love ham.

The Diva has spoken at 10:43 AM CST
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Drunken blog
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Okay, it's 1:23 am and I am just ever so slightly inebriated, but I felt compelled to blog anyway. I still have a house full of guests yet I'm out here at the computer. And my gosh, the spelling errors that are occuring. Love that backspace button.

Festivus is going smashingly, obviously. "Smash" being the operative word here. We are all having SUCH a good time. I'm on Smirnoff #7. Courtney is on #who the hell knows, but she's telling sex and nekkid stories.

Courtney is now sittin beside me. THis is so fun. Wanna see the Festivus Monkey? her blogWEll too bad 'cuz I haven't moved the picture from my camera yet. You'll see it tomorrow.

We need intervention, to be quite truthful. Two weekends in a row of gratuitous drinking and we look downright addicted. She says it's holiday merriment, not an addiction. I'm going with that. And every time I write "addiction" she says "a dickhead". She is so funny.

Well we're going to blog on her blog for awhile.




The Diva has spoken at 1:30 AM CST
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Warning
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Warning found on the fender of my four-wheeler:



"Never use with drugs or alcohol"

I promise that from now on I will never drink or shoot up my four-wheeler ever again. Obviously
it doesn't mix with my illegal drugs and alcohol.

I know it means that you shouldn't ride the ATV while under the influence, but to me today it read that I should not freebase or smoke my ATV.

I promise I won't.

The Diva has spoken at 10:32 PM CST
'Twas the night before THAT kind of party
Mood:  silly
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
Twas the night before Chanukah and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a tiger (-gosh, I hate it when them tigers start stirring). The pants were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that Jessica Simpson soon would be there (-I know lots of guys who hope that same thing). The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of escargot danced in their heads. And Mama in her g-string and I in my brassiere had just settled down for long winter's nap (-Mama in a g-string and the dude's gonna take a nap??). When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my loveseat to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a leopard, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. Mars on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature Jeep and 4 hairy zebras. With a little old driver so pink and many (-"many"? Eh, you never know what you're going to get when you ask for an adjective) I knew in a moment it must be Jessica Simpson. More rapid than airplanes her coursers they came and she whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Leroy, now Fluffy Peters, now Gem and Adam! On Jessica Flowers and Festus and Ruth and Bozo! To the top of the telephone pole to the top of the tree! Now dash away, dash away dash away all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they met with an obstacle mount to the sky, so up to the Empire State Building the coursers they flew with a Jeep full of cities and Jessica Simpson, too, and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the screwing and scratching of each little hoof (-screwing AND scratching? My kind of reindeers). As I drew in my leg and was turning around, down the chimney Jessica Simpson came with a bound. She was dressed all in satin from her head to her foot and her clothes were all tarnished with mud and bats (-damn bats tarnishing up everything). A bundle of ovaries she had flung on her back (-IEW!)and she looked like a carnie just opening her pack. Her boobs - how they twinkled! Her butt - how merry!(-wish I still had a merry butt...*sigh*) Her butt cheeks were like roses, her face like a cherry! Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a grub worm and the beard on her chin was as orange as Christy's puppy. The stump of a table she held tight in her teeth and the smoke it encircled her head like John's gut. She had a broad finger and a little round belly that shook when she walked like a bowl full of fish. She was happy and girlish, a right jolly old elf and I boinged when I saw her in spite of myself (-a lot of guys would boing if they saw Jessica Simpson in their living room). A wink of her eye and a twist of her uvula soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work and filled all the vaginas, then pushed with a jerk,(-it was at this point that I could hardly read the story I was laughing so hard) and laying Ethiopia aside of her nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney she rose. She sprang to her Jeep, to her team gave a whistle and away they all ran like a down of a thistle. But I heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight "Shove it up your ass, you stupid skinny bitch!"

Merry Christmas everybody!

The Diva has spoken at 7:19 PM CST
Monday, December 6, 2004
Turd story
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Complete utter nonsense
I told Friend Monkey to come on over here and read a funny turd story since he posted about a "lone turd" in a rest area's bathroom floor. It must be lonely being a turd on the floor...

Okay, so this guy works for a casino around here. He was at work one night when someone came along and told him that it looked like there was a turd in the floor. Well, imagine. Really. So off they go, trooping to find the turd. Sure enough, right in the middle of the casino floor is a pile of human excrement! So he decided they should pull the security tapes to find who did this. A little old lady on a freaking Hoveround (sings Hoveround! like a Swiss Miss yodeller) was bobbin' along when suddenly she stops her motorized gizmo, shifts her arse off of the seat, lifts her skirt and dumps a load on the casino floor. Then, like nothing happened, flipped down her skirt, scooted back onto the seat and motored off again.

Is that not the most HILARIOUS thing you've ever heard? Okay, well not for me either, but it was still pretty durn funny. We were laughing so hard I had a coughing fit. I nearly slid off the couch and none of us could speak we were all laughing so hard! Can you fathom ever doing that yourself? Okay, Monkey, really that was just a rhetorical question.

I think about it occasionally and get the giggles again, like a freaking 6 year old who laughs hysterically at the mere mention of "poop". I honestly can't imagine. How did she do this with no one witnessing it? Surely the place wasn't empty! And you know she wasn't wearing underwear if she was able to do it like that... *shudder* Agh and the biggest question WHY?????? It's not like it was a case of the diarrhea and she couldn't make it in time. This was actually piled poo.

I just can't fathom it...

What a great place to live. I can see the new signs at the turnpike gate: Miami - Poopy Casino Capitol of Oklahoma

The Diva has spoken at 12:33 AM CST
Updated: Monday, December 6, 2004 3:34 PM CST

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