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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Monday, March 7, 2005
Anyone wanna be an heir to my vast fortunes?
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: All in the family
Okay, this is the kind of sadistic household I live in. There is no loyalty here, people. I gave birth to those children, yet they TURNED on me in a heartbeat. I am so going to remember this one when they come begging for something like a NEW CAR. And MONEY. Geesh.

This morning, Mr. Diva woke me up with his usual fondling attempts. Agh, I abhor morning sex. It just doesn't happen in the Diva household. Ever. So after about 20 minutes of him pestering the living shit out of me I grabbed his arm, dug in my fingernails and said "If you do not stop rubbing on me I will kill you this very minute. I am not kidding, you asshole." He found this amusing and I'm sure he didn't really think I was serious, even though I said it through clenched teeth. So he, in about 3/4 of a second, flipped me onto my stomach, pinned me down and started TICKLING the hell out of me! Tickling! Me! He tickled me ruthlessly! Well, the muffled cries and screams that were coming from our bedroom sent the kids in of course. More witnesses of me being tortured. I was calling him names, I was not laughing, I. WAS. PISSED. He was cackling like a fucking maniac. Kady flipped OUT and not unlike a 2 1/2 foot tall Ninja warrior, jumped onto the bed and started pummelling her father screaming "YOU WET GO OF MY MOMMA YOU POOPOO PSYCHO BUTTHOG!! YOU ARE A DOODER HEAD AND YOU ARE MEAN AND YOU QUIT TICKWING MY MOMMA!" Yeah, that's my baby. She was doing her best to save her helpless mother. The sound of my youngest offspring's voice gave me power and I managed to flip that sadistic husband of mine off of me. Before I could fully get away though, he had me pinned again and the tickling began anew. He told Abby and Sam to tickle me, too. They refused. They stood there next to the bed, wide-eyed, bewildered and not sure if they should run and hide, call 911 or attack their father. I was saying, between screams, squeals and pants, that THEY loved me and THEY were loyal and THEY weren't torturing me brutally and THEY knew who the BEST parent was.

This is where it gets ugly: Paul said, "If you jump up here and tickle Momma you can have your Gameboys back."

(They got the Gameboys taken away 4 weeks ago when they lied, conspired with each other to perpetuate the lie and neither would give the other one up. Gotta give 'em credit for the sibling loyalty, but it really pissed us off. Paul said they would not get them back EVER until they 'fessed up.)

Those kids jumped on that bed and commenced to tickling faster than you can say Mario versus Donkey Kong. The little shits. Kady never did join in. She sat at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, pouting and yelling at them all, telling them they were dooder heads. I love that kid so much. The other two...well, I still love 'em, but they are outta the will. Out I tell ya.

The Diva has spoken at 5:14 PM CST
Friday, March 4, 2005
It was Friday all day (Part deux)
Mood:  spacey
Topic: All in the family
I shouldn't have used that title for the previous post. That post was going to be this post, then I changed my mind last minute. And I'm not creative enough right now to think of another title. Thus, Part Deux. I doubt there is a Part Trois tonight, though. I'm getting tired.

Kady and I just hung out today and it was awesome. I stayed in my pj's till 3:00 this afternoon. Yep, shameless. Sue me - I had a headache. She actually wanted to get dressed. Usually it's a knockdown dragout to dress the child, but on the one day we're staying home, not going anywhere, she's all fired up to put on clothes. She has a mind of her own, that's for sure.

I wrote a story for Fizzle n Pop this morning (I hope that link takes you right to it. If not, I'll post my story on here in it's entirety.) and Kady sat in the floor for nearly 2 hours putting together puzzles. I keep them put up in the closet after last summer a little girl I was babysitting dumped the whole box out in Kady's bedroom floor. Imagine 300+ puzzle pieces scattered EVerywhere. It was a compulsive woman's nightmare, trust me. So now they stay put up. This is good for two reasons: 1) They don't get dumped again because I do not let the puzzles out of my sight. 2) It makes the kids really WANT to play with them. That box of puzzles entertained her all day long and I've now decided my youngest child is a puzzle savant. No kidding. She's freaky with the puzzles. She was putting together 30 piece puzzles in like 2 minutes. Yikes. She frightens me sometimes.

We watched All My Children together and ate tortilla chips and salsa. Then I rocked her to sleep. I love that. She's my last one more than likely and I will rock her until she's 12 if I so desire. Okay, I'm pretty sure she's not going to let that happen, she'll start resisting it one of these days, but until then I'm rocking her. I think Abby would still let me rock her to sleep, but the child is nearly as tall as I am, so that's out. Sam never was big into the rocking when he was a baby. It nearly killed me to just lay him in his crib and let him go to sleep on his own. I even weaned Abby off of the rocking before he was born, in anticipation of needing to rock the new baby. When I realized that he wasn't keen to the rocking, Abby decided to punish me by not allowing it with her anymore. Nearly killed me. Kady is a rocker, God love 'er. She'll be 3 1/2 in June and I don't see an end to it yet. Halleluiah. Wow, digression much.

I finally showered and got dressed before the kids got off the bus this afternoon. Mr. Diva got home shortly after they did and boy was he in a bad mood. He swears that lack of sex does not affect his personality, but he lies. He gets really cranky without it. I akin it to my love of chocolate, his love of sex. If I go a few days without chocolate, the world knows about it because I turn into a bitch on wheels. He goes a few days without sex and yikes, we're all ready to move to Cleveland. Men.

I took Sam to karate tonight. He's so damn cute with that karate stuff. And is it wrong that I think I may very well have a crush on his Sensei? My GOD that man is hot. Tall, muscle-y, long hair in a ponytail, moustache and goatee, ooh ooh the best part, tattoo on the inside of his right forearm. I'm telling you, he's hot. Too bad I'm just about 100% sure that he finds my rather chunky physique repulsive. So much for that. Fantasy sometimes beats reality. He might be, like, so limber and rambunctious during sex that I'd find it hard to keep up. I doubt that because I'm pretty limber for a fat chick, I gotta say. ANYway...just for the record, I have no real intention of having an affair with my son's karate teacher. Just for the record.

Mr. Diva and I had coneys from the Sonic for dinner. Wow, I didn't realize just how much I have missed fast food. Not missed it, like a really important part of my life is gone or anything, but like, wow, fast food is sure convenient and I didn't have to cook it. Mr. Diva was still cranky so I flipped a tater tot at him. He wasn't amused. Some people are so hard to get along with.

We have SHOWTIME AND THE MOVIE CHANNEL ALL WEEKEEND LONG!!! You might be a redneck clear your social calendar and stock up on blank VHS tapes in anticipation of free previews on the expensive premium channels. I caught Mr. Diva watching something called "Die Mommy, Die!" awhile ago. I said, "Good grief, why on earth are you watching this? We still have the Outdoor Channel ya know." He said, "I know, but this is free preview weekend, Kristin. Duh. We must watch all of the free movies we can. Even if they suck like this one does." I said that was a pretty strange reason to watch something that starred a woman who I'm pretty sure was really a man, but dressed as a woman, but in a creepy way, like drag queen style. But to each his own.

Tomorrow we're going to Muddy Gras at the D-Day place in Wyandotte. I'm not actually sure what they call it anymore. Is it The Bunker still? Courtney, who I might add is the Voice of D-Day, always just calls is The Hill. Whatever ya call it, we're goin' there tomorrow to watch 'em 4x4 all over the place. Should be fun. The kids are anxious as all get out.

Which brings me to my final thought (Ooh, I sounded a bit like Jerry Springer there for a minute)


I'm so glad we'll be out of debt soon. I am SO driving again this year. And more than once, dammit. But in order to drive, ya gotta have money. Mr. Diva's drivin' this year, too. You know what they say:

The family that smashes the hell out of junk cars together, is a redneck family indeed.

The Diva has spoken at 11:32 PM CST
Thursday, March 3, 2005
Life happened
Mood:  lucky
Topic: All in the family
When I tucked Kady in last night, I leaned down to kiss her and felt my lips sizzling upon touching her little forehead. That is never a good thing. I took her temp and it read 101.8. But at the time I didn't treat it. She hadn't complained that she was achey or cold, she wasn't chilling and I figured it was there for a reason. I tucked her in and left the bathroom light glowing into the hall so if she needed me, she had a clear path. By this time, Mr. Diva was sound asleep in his recliner, so I did what any woman would do - I took over the whole entire bed. I felt like the freaking Queen of Sheba, all propped up on my three pillows.

By 1:30 Kady was awake and crying. Oh yeah, and she was barking like a baby harp seal. Oh the rattling, wheezing and God-awful noises coming from that child. I gave her some cough medicine, some Tylenol and put her in bed with me. There we slept the rest of the night, both of us propped up, in all of our royal glory. We got up at 6:30 and she seemed much better. For about 5 minutes. Then she started coughing and couldn't quit. I filled the nebulizer up, sat her in her daddy's chair and proceded to wake up the other two kids. They got on the bus at 7:20. I checked on Kady and discovered that again, she was burning up with fever. I called the doctor's office at 7:25, a full five minutes before they actually opened, but prayed someone would answer. They did. Mind you, it's 7:25, I have spent the last hour getting two kids off to school and making sure the other one can breathe. I am still in my pj's. And the nurse says they have one appointment. One. If I don't take it, it'll be Monday before he can see her. That appointment was for 8. I said, "I'll be there," hung up the phone and took off down the hall, stripping off pajamas and frantically searching for some sweats. I washed my face, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, slapped a little foundation and mascara on, grabbed some sweats for KD, pulled her hair back in a ponytail, filled a sippy cup for her (And let me tell you what - she thought she was in hog heaven, drinking out of a sippy cup. She hasn't used one since she was 1. The only time she gets one is when she's sick. She took full advantage of that thing today - she's probably overhydrated now, lol.) and flew out the door at 7:45. 15 minutes and I even looked human and only slightly like white trash.

One listen to her raspy lungs and Dr. David announced that a certain three year old would be leaving his office with a prescription. She has asthmatic broncitis. Which means her asthma is acting up and she developed bronchitis in the midst of it all. Great. So while he had his little magic medicine pad out, I told him how Sam sounded. That he's coughed for 4 weeks, but now when he coughs, there's an added note at the end. He wrote him a Rx for the same high-powered, extremely expensive antibiotic, too. He also said that KD's immune system is seriously depleted and to keep her away from people as much as possible and for the love of God, keep her out of Wal-Mart. Nothin' doin', Dr. David. I can SO do that. I hate that place now that they've deemed me unemployable. But I digress.

I called Jill to tell her that KD was sick and that it was up to her as to whether she brought Chandler over the rest of the week. She opted to keep him away from the plague house. Can't say I blame her.

I dropped off the Rx's at the pharmacy and rummaged through my purse for my Entertainment envelope. I had $5 left for indulgence and by golly, when you have asthmatic bronchitis I think you need a donut. So a donut KD had. She thought she was all that. Then the nice pharmacist gave her not one, but TWO color books. She practically glowed back there in her carseat. A sippy cup, a donut and TWO color books. How much better can it get? Oh yeah, to not have asthmatic bronchitis would definitely be better.

We came home and she went immediately to the couch. Then she colored awhile. Then she played with her InteracTV awhile. Back to coloring. Back to the couch. Leggos awhile. Laid in the kitchen floor awhile while I made cornbread. All the while she shook because the kid was pumped so full of albuterol it wasn't funny. She really never has complained about it making her shake, but it's unnerving to watch her do it. Finally she slept. For a whole 45 minutes. Bless her heart.

While she slept I put together the few things I needed to do before Brownies. Thankfully Heather had agreed to do the meeting today. We planted things, which I am just simply awful at. I missed that gene somewhere along the way. I vacuumed while holding KD. I made a cake while holding her. I swept the kitchen floor while holding her. I did make her sit on the couch while I dusted because I figured breathing in the stirred up dust was probably a bad thing. I finally sat down with her and just held her. She liked that. And to be honest, so did I.

Mom, God love her, picked up my one town Brownie, brought her out here then basically just kept KD entertained and away from the general population while we Brownie'd our little hearts out. The girls planted onions, peppers, watermelon, lettuce, tomatoes and some other vegetable that none of them will eat. But they enjoyed it. I also managed to unload the rest of the cookies on Magnet Lady. God love you, Magnet Lady.

After the Brownies left, the family stayed and we ate brown beans and cornbread and for dessert, chocolate cake. Sis and the kids left first, Mom stayed awhile, playing a game on my computer.

When she finally got up to go she said, "Man, I'm cold." I replied with, "Man, I got the farts." Mom laughed and said, "Oh yeah? Like this?" and just pooted ever so quietly. I said, "No, more like this," and I SWEAR to you, I really intended to just poot a little. But what emerged was a bun-rattling cacophony that reduced my mother to a bent-over position, crying and holding her stomach from laughing so hard. Then I got tickled and lost my breath and then Mom felt compelled to run in and tattle to my husband that I had just peeled the paint off the toyroom walls.

Agh, I just heard noise in the kitchen and see that Mr. Diva is eating another bowl of beans. Man, for once I am glad I'm pulling sick kid duty tonight and he is sleeping on the couch.

The Diva has spoken at 10:47 PM CST
Monday, February 14, 2005
Mr. Diva's gettin' in on the fun!
Mood:  silly
Topic: All in the family
Okay, it's Valentine's Day and we're too broke to buy each other presents, so I have asked Mr. Diva to answer some quiz questions on my blog. Hey, it takes little to entertain me sometimes, people.

So here ya go - I present to you my husband, Mr. Diva!

1. What time did you get up this morning? Before 8 (Diva note: Usually it's 11 on his day off, just so you know.)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds. A redneck's gotta have bling bling.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? White Noise

4. What is your favorite TV show? Anything on the Outdoor Channel, Pimp My Ride, American Chopper

5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothin'

6. What is you middle name? Glenn

7. Favorite cuisine? A big hunk of meat and a tater of some kind.

8. Foods you dislike? Spinach, guacamole, saurkraut and weenies

9. Your favorite crisp flavor? Long John Silver's fish is pretty crispy. (Diva note: Sheesh)

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? David Allan Coe - David Allan Coe (Diva note: That CD makes my ears bleed.)

11. What kind of car do you drive? 2004 Dodge Ram

12. Favorite sandwich? A ham and cheese from Nott's Grocery. They make the best sandwiches on the planet.

13. What behavioral characteristics do you despise? People who think their shit don't stink.

14. Favorite item of clothing? I'm a man, I don't have a favorite piece of clothing.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Disney World

16. What color is your bathroom? Uhhh...white?

17. Favorite clothing? Jeans

18. Where would you like to retire to? Right where I'm at. (Diva note: If he means my office, he's wrong.)

19. Best time of the day? When I get off work.

20. What was your most memorable birthday? February 6th. (Diva note:He's SUCH a smartass.)

21. Where were you born? Joplin, MO

22. Favorite sport to watch? Demolition derbies (Diva note: Only when his ultra sexy cool wife is driving.)

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? N/A

24. Person you expect to send it back first? N/A

25. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide, I guess. (Diva note: HE doesn't use laundry detergent because HE doesn't do laundry.)

26. Are you a morning person or night person? Morning? No, night? Hell, I don't care just put something down! (Diva note: He said morning and I said "You have to get UP in the morning to be considered a morning person, dear.")

27. What is your shoe size? 9 1/2 or 10

28. Do you have any pets? Jake and Little Dog (Diva note: Obviously the cat and the fucking ducks are mine. Whoohoo.)

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and family? Nope.

30. What did you want to be when you were little? Why hell I don't know...probably a fireman or something, I dunno. Or a policeman. Or Superman! (Diva note: Do you people SEE what I live with????)


Post quiz conversation:

Mr. Diva: What's this supposed to tell ya?

Diva: Nothing, it's just for fun.

Mr. Diva: What's fun about it?

Diva: Oh hush, you old fart.

Mr. Diva: You mean it's not gonna tell me what kind of personality I have or anything?

Diva: No, dear. I'm just posting it to my blog.

Mr. Diva: Why hell.....That ain't fun.

The Diva has spoken at 11:20 AM CST
Updated: Monday, February 14, 2005 11:29 AM CST
Friday, February 4, 2005
I still got it
Mood:  sharp
Topic: All in the family
Tonight is the Brownie Flumber Party.

Five Brownies, one Jr Brownie (that would be Kady Princess), four mommmas, one Grammy and it looks like one pissed off daddy. Mr. Diva won't find some place to go tonight, so he is going to be here. Yeah, that is going to go over well. He stated hatefully last night, "Well, it's MY home and I'll be here if I want. I'll just go to bed!" I said, "That's all well and good but I will not make them be quiet. Hell, there's no way to make 6 little girls BE quiet. This is their slumber party and they are going to have fun. You're in for a long, loud night, dear. And not THAT kind of long, loud night, either."

He has no clue what he is subjecting himself to. No clue. I think it's kinda funny. Oh and then when he realized I wasn't going to cancel the party so he could rule his quiet home once more, he said, "Well fine! I'm going to invite all my guy friends over and we're going to play cards all night and drink beer and fart and... and... stuff!" I didn't even look up from the computer, I just said, "Fine. I've been trying to get you to do that for years. It'll be fun. Just let me know when you want to do it so I can make some food."

As he stormed out of my office he muttered, "Son of a BITCH." Oh yeah, I still got it.

The Diva has spoken at 9:52 AM CST
Sunday, January 30, 2005
I'm not sure I want to share
Mood:  not sure
Topic: All in the family
This morning I commented on Heather's daughter's birthday post. (Yes, little Leta is a few days shy of 1!) While reading the comments others have left (Oh I hope someday I have that many commenters...I guess I need to get a job so I can get fired and become famous.) I learned of an article in the NY Times about blogging mommies. (Btw, you will have to register in order to read the article, but it's worth it.) I read it and became inspired all over again, even after just having posted late last night about the benefits of blogging from a stay at home mom's point of view.

When I was done with the morning's blog events, I nearly skipped into the kitchen (Note: I highly recommend wearing a bra during a skipping attempt after the age of 30.) to share with my husband my newfound wealth of knowledge about blogging about your children, your marriage and your life in general.

The man is completely perplexed by this blogging business that consumes me. He said, "What in the world do you write on there?" I laughed and said, "Well, I posted yesterday on the pathetic snowfall, I posted in the fall about the demolition derby, I posted about the first day of school and just last week shared about Ab hearing us having sex." No kidding, his face contorted into this mass of blushing, confusion, embarrassment and I think I saw a hint of downright anger. He turned from where he'd been looking out the kitchen window and said, "OH SHIT YOU DID NOT WRITE ABOUT THAT." I said, "Well, of COURSE I did! It's funny! And I got comments on it, too. And it's all about the comments and what the reader wants, dear." I said this with the faux snobbish confidence of a burnt-out author writing a mindless column in a newspaper, mind you. He didn't see the humor in it, to be honest. He was still reeling and mortified. "I cannot believe you shared that with total strangers, Kristin. Honestly! Now all these people know that we. have. sex." Ummm...I can't speak for all of you out there, but I'm thinking that y'all pretty much knew we had sex before that post.

I just smiled and patted his arm and said, "Come on, honey. Let's go out to the computer right now and I'll let you read the actual post so you'll know that I didn't talk about too many particulars -only about your enourmous pecker." His eyes...oh how they widened. "Just kidding. There's only so much creative license I can use." The eyes ceased being wide. He was losing patience with me and grumpily said, "I don't want to read it. Just tell me what you wrote." So I related to him my version of it all. The more I talked, the more he grinned. He had his arms crossed over his chest, was leaning against the kitchen counter and was nodding his head, remembering the entire thing. "It was pretty funny, wasn't it?" Bingo!

I was feeling like I'd won a small battle. I had given him insight as to why I write on here. I share because I care, people. I was on my way out of the kitchen when he said, "Ya know, I think I could blog, too."

Oh my gosh! Don't you know that his blog would be the most redneck blog EVER?? If you think I'm redneck...wait'll you meet him. I said, "Well, if you really want to, then by all means, let's get you signed up." Of course, then he says he'll write a blog if I write it for him. Huh? I write my own, from my point of view. I don't think I could write his point of view even if I tried. That's his to relate, not mine. Upon my repeated refusal, he asked if maybe I'd at least consider typing it if he actually came up with the words.

You know, the family that blogs together might just end up in a big fight, ultimately ending with one sleeping on the couch. At least, I'm thinking that's how it'd go at my house. The man and I can't hang up a picture together without someone getting yelled at. What makes us think we can blog together?

I suggested that we call his blog "Mr. Diva". He didn't like that one in the least. He'll probably want to call it something like "Rural stud" or "Redneck - hung and proud" or something awful like that. If this blog thing comes to fruition, I right now, at this moment, reserve the right to deny all association with that man, cut ties at any given moment and quite possibly permanently move my sleeping quarters to the living room.

The Diva has spoken at 1:13 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, January 30, 2005 1:23 PM CST
Friday, January 28, 2005
Happy Birthday, Mom!
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: All in the family
Today is my mom's birthday!! She's an amazing woman and those of you who actually know her, will have to agree. She's strong, funny, beautiful, caring, giving, smart, and she shares best friend status with my sister. My mom has gone through so much crap in her life, yet she's still the most amazing person I know.

My entire adult life I've been honored to share an ever-present resemblance to my mother. So much so that total strangers will walk up to me and ask me if I'm her daughter. Or else they hear me laugh and say "There's only one other laugh like that," and then ask if I'm her daughter. I'm honored. I only hope that, in the long run, I turn out to be half the mother to my kids that she has been to me.

She's always supportive, never judgemental, willing to listen and so full of motherly wisdom that she amazes me. If I have a crisis I call Mom. This is what I do. Drives my husband batty, but someday when our kids (I hope) call me for advice like I call my mom, he'll know that I was just preparing myself for life as a mother of fully grown children who still need their Momma from time to time.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you so much.

The Diva has spoken at 4:29 PM CST
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Oh the laughing
Mood:  lazy
Topic: All in the family
I found out last night that bowel movements are very very important to virtually all Glenns - not just me. Who knew.

We laughed our asses off last night. Oh gosh, we laughed. Stacey, the cousin from NC, brought her precious, quiet little husband who was meeting us all for the first time. The look on that poor boy's face when my mother grabbed him in a full frontal hug was absolutely a Kodak moment. He probably didn't say 50 words all night, while the rest of us laughed, guffawed, hoohawed, told embarrassing stories and just generally were loud and boisterous. Of course, I don't think my Paul said that many words either. At one point, I looked over at them both and said, "I bet you both are regretting marrying into this mess, huh?" And Larry, in his quiet Southern drawl said, "I'm just thinking this explains so much."

Stacey and I are bound by some inexplicable Glenn connection and quite frankly, we are both more than a little disturbed by it. As the evening wore on, the rest of the family became disturbed with it as well. The TV dinner brownies that get all hard and crusty around the edges - our favorites. Quiet husbands, naturally curly hair - we both got 'em. Clumsiness, which I prefer to call our own special style of grace - we're both clutzes. Either Heather or Courtney asked her, "Stacey, have you ever had the urge to drive in a demolition derby?" The room grew quiet in anticipation of her answer. When she said, "Actually, yes," we all exploded into laughter.

Uncle David started telling a story about when he lived in Nebraska and a woodpecker got into his house. Uncle David is petrified of birds. And also, Uncle David is one of the most Godly men you will ever meet. We were afraid after some of the tales of our drunken youth that his ears might begin bleeding. His purity was in danger. Well, after about 4 hours with us, he joined in, in his own way. Okay, so this woodpecker flew into his house and in the midst of his terror he called the cats, thinking they would take care of the invading bird. Well, the bird was hanging on the window facing and the cats couldn't get up there. So Uncle David said, "I threw up the cats." Now, at those words "I threw up the cats" we all collapsed into a cacophony of hysterical, rib splitting, stomach hurting laughter. Cousin Keith said, "He threw two pussies at a pecker!" and we got tickled all over again. He said the bird's beak was "this long" and held his hands up about 8 inches apart. Mom, very dryly said, "Agh, just like a man to exaggerate the size of the pecker." Again, the laughter. It was like that all night. It got worse the more tired we got.

We all so very needed last night. Family laughing together, sharing together and being Glenns and living in Oklahoma, we had to eat together, of course! If laughter really does add years to your life, after last night's comedy, we'll all live to be 150.

Everyone started yawning and we knew Stacey and Larry needed to get some sleep since they're driving back to NC today and I said I wanted to get a group picture. I handed Paul the camera, but then in realized that he'd be the only one not in the picture. Then I remembered that my camera has a timer. I sat it on the mantle and the first picture we all looked like midgets, it was so far away. The next one I cut off Larry and Uncle David. Finally it worked. So the group scattered and I said, "Stacey and Larry, I'd like to get one of just you two." Cousin Keith, in his Queer Eye voice, said "Fine, beyotch! I. am. OUTTA. here!"
and stomped toward the door. Again, the laughter.

Oh the laughter.

The Diva has spoken at 9:58 AM CST
Thursday, January 20, 2005
What it means to be family
Mood:  special
Topic: All in the family
Tonight was the visitation for Uncle Homer. God bless my Papa, he took it hard. So did Aunt Erma, which could only be expected. They said she hadn't cried until today. I can only imagine the shock.

Most of our family is still around here, but some have branched out. Although, why they would want to do that I'll never know. This is Glenn Country, I'm tellin' ya. Our cousin, Stacy, we hadn't seen since Granny Glenn passed 8 years ago. I hadn't seen a couple of the other cousins since they were literally in diapers. It was so funny to be introduced to family members. I dunno.

Our family is well known and well liked around here. I'm not bragging. There was a pretty big crowd there tonight. Lots of people who may not have known Uncle Homer came for the family members they did know. That means the world to me. To take time out of your busy life to stop by and comfort a friend who's sad and hurting. When the crowd finally thinned a bit, we made our way back up to where the rest of the family was standing. We had gone back to a back pew while visitors poured through. It ended up with Sis, Mom, Cousin Keith (of Festivus underwear fame), his adorable and quiet wife Alyssa, our cousin Kimby, our cousin from North Carolina Stacy and me all kind of standing in a circle talking. Telling stories about Uncle Homer and Papa. Stacy told us all about her and her dad getting into a batch of flea-infested hay in Papa's barn. We laughed at the story about Heather getting flogged by the mean rooster up at the farm and me running so fast I made it to the house long before the injured one got there, screaming my lungs out. We talked about going to the Capitol with Papa and Uncle Homer and Papa making the cemi truck honk at Heather. It was a wonderful time of reminiscing with family.

Papa walked up to the circle about the time we were telling about the round barn in Arcadia that he and Uncle Homer insisted we visit back in September. Papa said to Keith, "Hey, you ever seen that round barn?" Keith, always on his toes, said "Yeah, I wanna try to get in the corner." I thought Papa was going to rupture something. He literally had to sit down in a pew he was laughing so hard. His face turned red and one of the cousins who hadn't heard the conversation, rushed to Papa and asked what was wrong. We all started laughing harder then. It was one of those "you had to be there" moments, but trust me it was a riot.

We are family. We may not talk every week to all of them and we may not get together at every holiday, but we are family nonetheless. It's when times are rough and sad that family means even more. We love each other and would go to battle for each other in the blink of an eye. Some of us are close and I cherish those relationships so much. Some of us aren't, but I guarantee you the family bond is still there.

When the funeral home people finally got tired of us being there and ever so politely prayed with us in an attempt to get us to leave, a few of us walked over to the restaraunt on the adjacent property. Cousin Keith, Alyssa, Mom, Uncle David, Paul, Ab, Sis and me all ate chicken and continued the reminiscing and laughing. At one point Keith gave me a sidelong glance, after just having said something a little on the risque side and goes, "Ooh I better be careful what I say - you'll blog it, I'm sure. I'm going to end up on the blog, aren't I?"

Yes, Keith, you ended up in the blog. Love ya, cuz!

The Diva has spoken at 11:59 PM CST
Sunday, January 9, 2005
I might hear dead people
Mood:  not sure
Topic: All in the family
We saw the movie White Noise last night. Sis, Bub, Courtney, Paul and I. Courtney spent the last 30 minutes of the movie with her coat zipped up all the way then pulled up under her nose, her hands partially in front of her face and her knees under her chin. I was just amazed at the sheer flexibility that was involved in that. I spent those last 30 minutes with my hands balled into fists and those fists were planted firmly in front of my mouth to keep me from screaming out loud. There was no way my knees would've touched my chin if I'd wanted them to. I had to wear jeans to the movie because no one else was wearing their pajama pants.

Heather and I had played with the tape recorder the night before and we had all talked about coming back to our house after the movie to play with it some more. I was excited about that, even if my husband was grumbling that it was ridiculous bullshit. Yah, well, he's an old fart.

The movie was slow to start and I was starting to feel a tad disappointed. But oh when it go going, it got right on it in a hurry. When things were thick and scary and tense, Courtney leaned over, her eyes never leaving the screen, and said, "We do NOT need to be playing around with this stuff." At the time I agreed because I was in the middle of having the holy living shit scared outta me. But when the movie ended it said that the chances of getting bad or negative responses from the other side are about 1 in 12. I was all over it again, figuring I had about 10 more times to go before I heard someone or something that would make me have the urge to bathe in holy water. So Courtney said she was in again, too. We called Heather to see if they were coming over and she said "I am NOT doing that white noise shit!" We had eaten at Long John Silver's before the movie and for some reason it always makes us thirsty, so all I had to do was offer her water and she said she'd come over. That was too easy.

We played with the tape recorder for about 2 hours, taping multiple times, asking questions and asking for them to make an effort to be heard, and we honestly believe we heard talking, but it was unintelligible. The website says that you have to do it several times for them to get to know you. Get to know me? Well, I'm 5'2", long brown curly hair, green eyes...

Courtney and Heather were joking that here we sat in my living room, asking for dead people to talk into my daughter's Fisher Price tape recorder and probably there was a bunch of dead people on the other side sitting around wanting live people to talk into their tape recorders. The thought was kind of amusing last night.

I saved all of our tries from last night. I'm going to sit down with the headphones tonight and see if I can pick up anything from them when it's quiet and when there's been space from last hearing them. If I pick up anything threatening y'all might have that holy water bath ready.

The Diva has spoken at 12:09 PM CST
Friday, January 7, 2005
Betcha can't guess
Mood:  not sure
Topic: All in the family
You will never guess what I spent the evening doing. Guarantee it. You really won't guess it right. So I'm just gonna tell ya.

First of all, I visited this website. Then after thoroughly creeping myself out, my sister visited the website. (You have to click on the link, dudes. You won't get the post as well if you don't.) Then after we listened to the clips, we grabbed Kady's tape recorder and shut ourselves in my bedroom.

Yes, we tried to hear the dead speaking in my youngest daughter's Fisher Price tape player. This is what happens when you are a stay at home mom and it's winter and you have a hormonal imbalance, combined with OCD and SAD. You resort to crazy, insane, paranormal forms of entertainment. And you take your sister on the ride with you, providing you're both tall enough, don't have high blood pressure or heart conditions and you will keep arms and legs inside the car at all times.

Our first attempt was the best one as far as comic content. We both stood on either side of the bed. I held the microphone and hit Record. As the website suggested, I let it record silence first. She motioned at me to talk. I motioned at her to talk. We covered our mouths and stifled giggles. When I regained composure I asked "Is anyone there?" More silence recorded. Then "What is your name?" Then the giggles took over and I asked, "Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch?" in the falsetto Good Witch of the North voice. We exploded into a rather loud case of nervous laughter. Needless to say, we heard nothing but our giggles and quiet snorts through that try when we played it back. The next one, we managed to keep quiet and un-giggly, but we kept getting the sounds of The Outdoor Channel from the living room TV because have I mentioned that that is ALL THE MAN WATCHES THESE DAYS? I asked him to turn it down, but we still weren't satisfied with what we weren't hearing. So then we went into the back bathroom, turned on the water and recorded some more. First I said "Hello?" Silence. "What is your name?" Then I nearly threw my sister into a stroke when I asked "Can you see us?" Her eyes got huge and she shook her head, almost like "Take that back!" I think we picked up something on that last one, but I haven't had the chance to sit down with it again and listen to it through headphones.

It was creepy and rather nerve-wracking at first. But we prayed before we started, as the website also suggested. We prayed that God would keep any bad dead dudes from getting to us. Then we giggled. Then I prayed again, more solemnly. Then we giggled. Finally, I bit the insides of my cheeks, seriously asked God to protect us and Heather said that maybe the reason we didn't hear anything is because God really was keeping the bad dead dudes away. *shrugs* Or maybe it's all a crock of crap. The EVP's, not God. Either way it was good for nearly 3 hours of entertainment, what with reading the website, listening to their samples and then checking out the ghost sites for Oklahoma ghost hunters/paranormal hunters and did you know that supposedly we have Bigfoots, erm... Bigfeet... uhhhh ....supposedly people in Oklahoma have seen large, hair-covered, big footed creatures? Now whether it's actually THE Bigfoot, a distant cousin or possibly a whole herd of Bigfooted hairy critters, I don't know. But it was kinda cool reading about them regardless.

The whole evening pissed Paul off to no end. For one thing, paranormal stuff is, to him, a bunch of hogwash, poppycock and plain ol' bullshit. Plus, he came home in a bad mood yet again. PLUS I told him when he left for work this morning that I'd make chili for dinner, but Sis brought dinner when she brought the boys back from karate and I didn't make chili. Oops. My bad. So bad. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. In fact, I've kind of avoided him altogether since Sis left. If he catches me and starts ranting he's going to give me a talkin' to, I can feel it. He was friendly while she was here, a witness is what she was, but now that she's gone I'm just stayin' away from him and letting him watch The Outdoor Channel as loud as he wants. Even though, after listening to EVP's all night, I'm a bit skittish when I hear a duck call and gun shots emitting from the living room. I've nearly jumped out of my chair twice already.

The Diva has spoken at 10:58 PM CST
Updated: Friday, January 7, 2005 11:02 PM CST
Thursday, December 30, 2004
And so it began
Mood:  spacey
Topic: All in the family
The room-moving debacle began on Monday morning around 7. Mom and Sis and her 2 children converged upon my quiet home and things went from there. We started in the master bath, which is actually a pretty damn small master bath if you ask me. It's one of those 3/4 jobbies and it sucks. Well, it had most recently been an 8 year old little girl's bathroom and it was cutesy and girlie and I, in a moment of obvoius insanity, stuck little sticky butterflies all over the walls. They were adorable! Erm, until the aforementioned 8 year old, somewhere around the time she was 6, outlined them all in crayon, smeared toothpaste all over them and various other bad things to the cute little butterflies. Mom and I started peeling them off the walls. Did the butteflies come off the wall easily? Are you KIDDING? Does ANYTHING in my life happen easily? The stupid satan-filled butterflies were sticking like Wonder Bread to the roof of a dog's mouth. If it had just been me in the bathroom, I'd have left the sticky and called it extra texture. Heck we were painting, for cryin' out loud. But nooooooooooooooo, Mommy Dearest insisted we scrape, peel, and gouge off every last possible sticky morsel. All the while telling me that she wouldn't allow Ab to get away with things like that and how we'd have never gotten away with that when we were kids and how filthy my bathroom was. Agh. I was pretty much on the defensive and started getting hateful. I mean, how would you react if someone came into your house and told you it was dirty? But finally we got through with that mess and moved on to the girls' room and started moving things out of it. That went okay. Then the painting commenced. That went okay, too. Except for when we'd find crayon or boogers on the wall. Then it'd be met with sighs and much grumbling. I declared at one point that I was nothing but a filthy-ass horrible mother and would someone just shoot me and put me out of everyone's misery. I was ever so grateful for their help, but COME ON. We also painted the only paintable wall in the (now) toyroom a lovely shade of yellow and filled in the inset above the window seat with the green from the girls' room and also the inset where the wall heater used to be before it caught on fire in the first two weeks after we'd moved into this house, thus causing my oldest two children to be scarred for life when I grabbed the fire extinguisher and the telephone and told them to run to the back of the house. It's right purty, that wall. The Kilz and paint covered the char-marks wonderfully.

Well, Monday night is Ladies Night at the Big Fancy Casino and Sis was bound and determined to go. I was exhausted and so was Mom. I waffled back and forth, I was going, I wasn't going, I wanted to go, I didn't want to go. It was decided at 8:15 that I was going. We all left separately. Mom got there first, Sis was right behind her and I ran through the door to be greeted by the oh so friendly Courtney who said "You have 5 minutes so hurry!" I did the closest thing to a run I've done in years. Mom and Heather were sans makeup. I had put some on that morning, but I'm not sure there was much left. My hair had been pulled back in a clip all day and last-minute I had curled the bangs and pulled it back into a ponytail. We weren't the prettiest trio, but we were there to win, by golly.

We didn't win.

I stayed until the 10:00 drawing for $500 and the subsequent two $100 drawings and even heard the nice gentlemen announce that they'd draw for another $500 at 11 if we wanted to hang around. Want to? You betcha. Did I feel like I'd be awake at 11? No way. I didn't even spend all of my $10 free money. I cashed out with $3.15 and went home. I had to roll down the windows and blare the radio on the way home to stay awake. I was so tired I was chilling. My body was shutting down and I was helpless to do anything but go wherever it led and friends, that night it was straight towards Coma-ville. I slept till 8:30 the next morning, totally oblivious to my husband's departure at 6:15. My precious children left me alone. Ab got the other two milk and they ate cold poptarts and Nutri-grain bars. They really are wonderful kids.

Well, the next day was horrendous. We had one coat of paint to put on our bedroom. The girls had spent the night before in their new room on their brand new bunk bed, but our room was still at the other end of the house and all of the toys and possibly a few small monkeys, midgets and even large mammals were in my living room. I do not handle utter chaos well. A little chaos is fine. A lot, not so much. I wanted to start going through toyboxes, but it was too overwhelming. I instead worked on the girls' room. I cleaned out Abby's desk and dresser and basically killed time till Mom and Sis got there. When Mom arrived we went straight to work painting. It was quiet, the kids were napping and we just talked. We talked over some new family gossip(and boy are those folks strange) and she even told me a little about my grandmother's mental illness, something I knew very little about. I've heard Mom talk about her childhood my entire life, but always the very top layer. Now I'm a grownup and I want to know more. Sometimes it's not always good to know the grownup version of things. Very sobering. But I enjoyed the time spent with Mom. And when Sis arrived we talked more, just the three of us, talking about stuff. I like talking about stuff. Very non-threatening and sometimes jovial, that stuff.

Sometime during the day, something went awry. Things went bad. Tempers flared. Words were said. Sis left with me in tears and we were not happy with each other. We have spent virtually every day together for the past 3 weeks. We are, quite frankly, tired of each other. I declared to my mother and my husband that I would NOT call her and did not want to even SEE her until well after the children were back in school. Well, today I called her. I love her so much and I can't stand for there to be anything rotten and yucky between us. Things are okay again. Of course, if I know my sister, at some point she's going to want to "talk" about it and hash it out and I SO HATE that. I like for things to just smooth over on their own and for things to return to normal. Not her. She likes to dredge them all up, work them over a few times, shed a few tears, curse a little maybe and then let things be normal again. How did we end up related? We are like night and day in so many ways. But I do so love her. That just over 24 hours that we didn't speak was awful for me. I felt like my arm was missing. Sounds silly but if you have a sibling that you are very close to, you understand.

Today, I finished the toyroom. I finished Sam's room. My dishes are washed. (I'm still washing them by hand, btw. It sucks, btw.) I did a few loads of laundry. I visited with my mother-in-law and sent her home with some toys for Paul's great niece. I found the top of my dining room table again. I have not managed a shower, however. There are just some things I had to let go, although I wish it'd been the dishes at this point. I am kind of grungy, if you wanna know the truth.

Tomorrow is not only New Year's Eve, it's Anniversary Eve. Note to anyone not married yet:

If you are choosing a wedding date and you get this cute idea to choose New Year's Day because you think that he'll never forget it if it's on a holiday - do NOT pick New Year's Day. He'll never want to do anything on New Year's Day because when you're young and have money, he'll be hung-over. When he's old and cranky, he won't want to go anywhere because well, he's old and cranky. Your best bet is to pick a random date, far away from any holiday or day you want to remain special and terrific. Then tattoo it on his forehead. That way you can still enjoy New Year's Day.

The Diva has spoken at 10:57 PM CST
Sunday, December 26, 2004

Topic: All in the family

I really wanted to make sure the missing $10 wasn't in there!

I was in my pajamas and had no pockets - where else is one supposed to put their money but in their bra?

And THE ONLY REASON I kept checking was that at one point Courtney said something to the effect of, "I know you checked already, but maybe you have more space in there than you realize and it slipped or something..." Or something to that effect. After that, I kept second-guessing myself, thinking that maybe it really DID slip...

When Courtney shouted above the ruckus of happy children squealing amidst all the adults searching for the missing $10, "I AM SO GOING TO BLOG THIS!" I kind of figured that she wasn't kidding.

The absolute most hilarious comment of the evening regarding the hidden bra money, was from Cousin Keith. I can't remember if it was Sis or Courtney that I offered the money to, but whoever it was said "I can't touch that - it's been on your boob!" And Cousin Keith said something hilarious (I've forgotten the first part) but ended with "...and it smells like breast milk!" right in front of Papa. And the rest of the family. I thought my mother was going to rupture something she was laughing so hard. Even Uncle David giggled a little over that one. Papa had something that looked like a grin on his face - or it could've been a grimace of disgust that his grandchildren are so demented.

And just for the record there has been no breast milk anywhere near my breasts in 3 years. Just so you know.

The Diva has spoken at 11:45 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, December 30, 2004 11:51 AM CST
Friday, December 24, 2004
You'll shoot your eye out!
Mood:  cool
Topic: All in the family
At 9 tonight, I finally got the nerve to take a shower. I had washed all the dirty pots and pans cluttering up the stovetop, unloaded the dishwasher full of dirty dishes and washed them all by hand and things seeemed to be draining fine. I decided at that point that a shower had to commence soon because as a friend of my mom's used to say: I had the sour-ass. The shower drained fine as well. *shrugs* Go figure. When I came up front after my shower I heard water in the utility room and panic struck. I could just envision frozen pipes busting and spraying not warm, dirty, sudsy water at me this time, but cold, slushy, dirty, sudsy water. The washer was running and nothing was spewing forth. I asked Paul if he had started it up, which was a silly question. Washing machines usually don't just start themselves up and all three kids are too short to hit the button. He said yeah, he'd started it and it seemed to be draining fine. Of course, he was emerged deeply in a game of Shrek on Abby's Gameboy and wasn't paying a whit of attention to the washing machine. Good thing I was, because when it started to drain the second time, sure enough, water came bubbling back up the pipe. Not spraying this time, but still backing up. I was able to shut it off, let it go down the pipe and finish the load. Now I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a few loads tomorrow, babysitting the stupid thing every time it drains, or if I want to just haul the laundry to my mom's and do it there. Either way, I'm assured a pain in the ass.

Paul brought home that fabulous not $27 DVD player and after reading the directions I decided that per instructions, not the hook it up through the VCR because "video quality may be greatly reduced". Heck, who wants poor video quality? So I pull out the TV, am greeted by a rather friendly family of dust bunnies who all have pet cobwebs, and discover that our TV does not have those spiffy A/V plugger inners on it. And to run it directly through the TV one has to purchase an RF something or other ("available commercially" the book said). Well, upon further inspectigating I find that we actually do have an RF modulator, BUT it's in use by the Nintendo. So I made the executive decision to hook the blasted DVD player up to the bedroom TV and just put up with Kady playing out here constantly. Lo and freaking behold, the TV out here doesn't have A/V plugger inners on it either. So I decided that poor video quality was moot at this point and ran it through the Dish box. Of course, it did not work. I called my dad, the Great and Mighty Oz of All Things Electronic, and even he couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. He handed the phone off to my step-nephew who rambled off something about a $12 adapter and blah blah blah. Or I could just run it through the VCR and it would be fine. SO at that point, running it through the VCR won the nomination. I hooked it up to the living room VCR and it works great. Only the PS2 is hooked up through there as well, using the same plugger inners, so we have to unplug and plug in to switch between the two, but for now it's working. KD spent over and hour in blissful abandon, jellyfishing with Spongebob, playing hide and seek with Dora and Boots and even encountered wild animals with Elmo.

Then at 9:30 all five of us settled in, snug in our fireplace warmed home, in our coziest, comfiest pj's and watched A Christmas Story. I laughed, the kids laughed and it was a good thing. KD crashed around 10:30, falling asleep lying on my chest (Oh but how I love it when they fall asleep in my arms) and Paul put her in bed. Then Sam cuddled in further with me and we finished the movie that way. Ab was curled up in front of the fireplace and not even the lure of cuddling with Momma was going to pull her away from the blowers. I tucked them both in just a hair after 11:30. They said I was cool.

Gosh, Christmas isn't so bad after all.

The Diva has spoken at 12:15 AM CST
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Little C - you gotta check her out
Mood:  happy
Topic: All in the family
I'm telling you, Courtney's got this blogging thing down now! She's gonna be great. Check out what she wrote tonight about my son. You really gotta.

The Diva has spoken at 10:51 PM CST

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