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The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
Friday, March 18, 2005
It's Official
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I am officially not posting here anymore. I have entirely too much crap going on in my life to keep up two sites. Granted, it's just a copy and paste thing, but really...I'm just tired of having two blogs. I switched everything on Blog Explosion over to the other one, so it's official. Booyah.

Please please please please change my link in your blogroll, bookmarks, list, whatever you call it, to:

That's: The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva - Blogspot style.

Now, one last thing... once you've made the switch and have my new linky all fixed, drop me a line at either or leave me a comment over at myBlogspot site.



Thanks to everyone that visited this one! I hope you'll join me and the Diva family over at Blogspot for more of the same hilarity and insanity. It can only get better from here, friends. I hope anyway.

The Diva has spoken at 10:21 AM CST
Updated: Friday, March 18, 2005 10:35 AM CST
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Saturday in the house, I think it was the 12th of Ma-arrrrrrch
Mood:  cool
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I have accomplished SO MUCH today! I'm exhausted and will probably die of anaphylactic shock tonight in my sleep, but dadgummit, I accomplished something! Lots of somethings actually.

The children, all five of them, woke up at the unGodly hour of 6am. That is just not right. They talked quietly for about 30 minutes and I kind of dozed in my bed and halfway listened to the silly conversations. But after half an hour they could be quiet no more and the screaming and squealing began in earnest. Agh. I got up with them. EVEN THOUGH last night I traded quickie sex with my husband for an hour's extra sleep this morning. I am so going to have to remember that he never keeps his end of the bargain. Ever. You'd think after having kids for 8 1/2 years I'd be keen to his fraudulent sex-crazed promises. I even tried to produce a tear or two, but it just didn't work. I was too tired to cry. I did whine, call him a rat bastard and stomped out of the room after I jerked the covers off of him, though.

It worked out better that I got up really. Even though it was hard getting started. I immediately started the tea brewing, then started a load of laundry. I emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned off the counter tops and table, then started making pancakes. The kids were faunching at the bit to get outside, so as soon as they finished breakfast I sent them outside. That was before 9. They were outside till nearly noon. They played in the "coop" for quite awhile. Then they played on Mr. Diva's trailer, turning it into a disco or something. Ab had her CD player outside and they were rockin' that trailer to beat the band. Then they decided to trap chicken hawks. We're down to 2 ducks (we started with 9) because of the chicken hawks. So the kids decided to rid the world of the heinous duck-eating chicken hawks. After they decided that the hawks were not going to play the way they wanted, they then moved out into the the small pasture and started digging up gopher holes. They got the dogs in on the action, too. That was pretty funny, I gotta say.

While they were completely entertained outside I decided that today I was getting rid of some stuff. Because of FLYlady, I have considerably reduced the amount of stuff in my house over the last 2 years, but today the stuff that was bugging me was books. And videos. I have been reading Stephen King books since I was 14 (That explains so much, yes I know) and have a vast collection. To be honest, I think I have every book he has written. Well, only for a little longer, because 3/4 of them are now in boxes awaiting pricing and relocation to the flea market. I got rid of some Louis L'Amour that we've been hanging onto forever and some others that have lost their allure for me. I managed to clean off 3 shelves in two bookcases and moved some things around, organized a bunch of stuff. Then I moved on to the video cabinet. (I alphabetized the videos, too. I felt so much better when that was done.) There are two trash bags full of videos sitting in my living room now awaiting the same fate as the books. Man, the living room was looking so good at that point, but the kids needed lunch and I had to quit. I usually lose my steam and quit, but for some reason after lunch I hit it again with the same energy.

I decided it was high time to give the entertainment center a makeover and pulled out the TV to find a half inch of dust on EVERYTHING back there. I'm sure that has to be a fire hazard of some kind. So I vacuumed it all really well, and then proceded to organize the mass of cords and cables back there. Whaddaya know, I pulled out two cords that were attached to nothing! Mr. Diva has an old Pioneer stereo that he bought back in the 80's. The early 80's. It doesn't have the sleek, rounded lines of new electronics, but had dangerously squared, pointy corners. It also came with a turntable, if that dates it for ya. It weighs approximately 12 tons. Well, at one time everything was hooked up to the stereo speakers for a redneck version of surround-sound. Then suddenly it quit working and we re-routed. But that also left a useless dinosaur of a stereo in the cabinet. Mom had bought me a 5-CD changer a few years back to go with that system, since we have no records. Okay, so we have a few, but they're On Top of Spaghetti and YMCA. But what good is a 5-CD changer if the stereo doesn't work? Mr. Diva refused to help me move it because I think he knew that I'd ask if we could get rid of that boxy ugly thing. And the changer. And I would've, to be honest. So out it goes today. I pulled it out, nearly gave myself a hernia doing it, moved my nice new light stereo from my office to the living room, put it all back together and then blew my nose again for the 900th time. Dust sucks.

I then plugged the stereo and changer in so I could get to all the components and see exactly what was plugged in where and maybe I could figure out why it wasn't working. And I did. I'd forgotten that three of the four speaker pluggy inny things don't work. Lightning or something, he says. But how does lightning blow out three speaker plugger inners and not the other one, not to mention all the other electronics plugged in as well? He doesn't know what happened to it, but he likes to make me think he does. So anyway, somehow, someone had plugged both speakers into the ones that don't work. Okay, so now I have out here in my office a ginormous circa-1980-something Pioneer stereo system with a 5-CD changer and one speaker. But I gots tunes, baby, I gots tunes.

I am going to make a prediction right here and now on my blog for all of the 'net to see:
Mr. Diva will not notice any of the changes I've made in the living room today.

It's now 6:38pm, I'm still in my pajamas. I have tissues stuck in my nostrils to keep the torrents of snot from drowning me. My left index finger is super glued and looks like plastic. (It is not possible for me to super glue anything without subsequently gluing myself in the process. It's just not possible.) My right index finger is cracked open and bleedy-ish. My right middle finger is also cracked open and it's wrapped up in a tissue so I don't ruin my keyboard. My children are filthy, but they are having a ball playing "karate" in the living room,wearing only their underwear. Mr. Diva is still at work and will be clocking out in 45 minutes and I have no clue what I'm going to do with the chicken that is thawed out in my refrigerator as far as dinner goes. My eyes are crossing as I type because I am exhausted. And I think I have burned my lungs with the Orange-scented Pledge I've sprayed repeatedly all day long.

But Mr. Diva is SO not getting sex tonight Because as part of the agreement we made last night, the whole quickie sex trading for an hour of sleep, was also contingent on real sex tonight, not a quickie. But since I didn't get to sleep in this morning, he's not getting real sex tonight. That'll learn 'im.

The Diva has spoken at 6:54 PM CST
Friday, March 4, 2005
It was Friday all day
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I just made myself a couple of banners that should, if the Powers That Be allow it, run on Blog Explosion. That means BLOG TRAFFIC. I'd love to share them with you, but I can't seem to get them to show up on here. Go figure. I have just enough knowledge to make me dangerous. Tonight, though, that knowledge isn't worth crap.

If y'all are here via Blog Explosion, or better yet, because of my banner ad that you saw on Blog Explosion, will you let me know in a comment?

The Diva has spoken at 10:38 PM CST
Updated: Friday, March 4, 2005 10:51 PM CST
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
This being sick is for the birds
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I did 8 loads of laundry today. We now have clothes to wear. Clean ones at that. The children weren't quite sure what to think when they went to the laundry basket to find their socks and underwear and they weren't there. I had to show them again where their dressers are. Husband can now also quit wearing my socks. I just wish there'd be a reason for him to take his shoes off at work one of these days and then he'd have to show everyone the pink "Hanes" written across the toes of MY socks on HIS feet.

I cleaned my office. This was no small feat. I vacuumed it as well. The bag was bursting after I swept my very small 6x8 office. The stupid thing was full of the little slips of paper they put in Hershey's Kisses. heehee. And I actually have to wonder why my jeans are so snug and why the stretch jeans that I swore I'd never wear are now my best friends. I can't help it. It's just too easy to sit here and pop those things into my mouth while I blog. Too damn easy.

I discovered that there actually IS a writing surface to my desk today. Then, because I was so proud of the fact that I discovered that beautiful surface, I sat there and wrote my name on probably 46 Post-It Notes. Talk about a waste. Talk about juvenile. It was like junior high all over again. I wrote it in print. In all caps. In flowing, fancy script. In bubble letters. With hearts over the i's. Backwards. Upside down. With my maiden name. Then I wrote all my kids' names. In print. All caps. Flowing fancy script, etc etc. I can waste more time...and ink. And Post-It Notes. But the writing surface worked well. I was much impressed. Who knew desks were good for writing?

Tomorrow I begin tackling my paperwork for my taxes. I am so excited I could just tinkle. And I am so being sarcastic it's probably pretty evident. 2004 is THE LAST year we file long form on any kind of small business. Halleuiah. It will be so nice to file online next year. Without the aid of an accountant. I'll miss him, he's a great guy, but his services will not be needed in 2005. I hope.

We got 3 calls on the pickup last night in a span of about 30 minutes. Nothing all day today. Then when Mr. Diva got home, his brother called. The kid who lives across the highway from where the truck is sitting has been over to visit it multiple times. Paul's brother said that by Saturday it should be sold, the kid's wanting it bad and is getting the money. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Kady is wheezing and coughing like crazy, bless her heart. She kept me awake all night last night. Okay, I should rephrase that. She didn't keep me awake that much because I couldn't sleep anyway. The only way I can breathe and not cough is to sleep sitting straight upright. Not possible in the bed, so I prop myself up best I can. It works pretty good. Except for the fact that it kills my neck and back. And Mr. Diva and I are habitual spooners in bed - even when we are fighting, we spoon - so when he'd try to spoon he'd end up with his face right about my belly button level, which obviously didn't feel quite right, so then he'd squirm around till he got up onto my mountain of pillows and made it all tip over and if I happened to be in a rare moment of sleeping I'd wake up feeling like I was falling. It was a long damn night. Poor Kady was up and down, I was up and down...we should've just gotten up and played Nintendo or something. Or at least we could've watched Insomniac Music Theatre together. She likes VH1. She's a good kid, that Kady.

And Paul took the last of the Nyquil this morning before he left for work. I nearly had a panic attack when he told me he took Nyquil during the day. In a state of panic and nearly hyperventilating, I screamed, "GOOD LORD MAN WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING?? FOR ONE THING, YOU SAVE THE HAPPY MEDICINE FOR NIGHT TIME. AND FOR ANOTHER, YOU SAVE THE LAST NYQUIL FOR YOUR WIFE WHO IS ALWAYS SICKER THAN YOU ARE. YOU HAVE NOW RUINED MY DAY AND I'M NOT SURE I CAN CONTINUE LIVING NOW. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT." Normally he'd have been all defensive and hateful and all like "Who gives a shit" but noooo, he was already feelin' happy from the Nyquil. He was off in his happy place and he could breathe and he probably couldn't feel his fingers either. Sure hope none of you had your cars worked on at the Miami Wal-Mart today. If you did, you might wanna check those lug nuts.

The Diva has spoken at 10:12 PM CST
Sunday, February 13, 2005
It is finished
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
The application is in at The Store. It is supposed to be pulled in the morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm excited yet I'm scared to death. 10 years, people. 10 years since I've gotten dressed in something other than sweats and actually have left my house to go to work for any length of time. The thought is staggering. I had a temp job at the college when I was 8 months pregnant with Kady and last year I substitute taught a few times, but it's been since '95 since I've had a real employment to call my very own. Yes, I realize it's only 3 days a week - let me obsess, k?

I called my mom while I was doing the application and said, "Can you think of any jobs I've had??" She laughed and said, "You've been awful busy raising babies. Don't worry about it." She's right - I mean, I think I pretty much already have the job.

AND The (stupid) Store is still declining my FREAKING checks. Rassin' frassin' Store. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to go to the register with a pack of gum and wrote a check for $2. So when it declined it it was only for a pack of gum that I just put right back, rather than $60 worth of groceries. And we really needed those groceries. How can I make my tea in the morning when I'm OUT OF TEA?? I will have to drink coffee until I can get to the bank to get some cash so I can go to The Store to buy more tea. Diva's gotta have her caffeine. When I start working I'll have to have an IV port put in so I can continue with my all day long ingestion of super sweet Southern iced tea.

So it looks like tomorrow I'll have to call The Store to find out exactly why we are still black-balled. I checked our account online today and everything's FINE. WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY?????

We're probably permanently on a list somewhere. When we walk through the doors from now on a red light will go off in the back room with all the security monitors and a Code 86 1/2 will be issued and the authorities will be alerted and the financial institutions we are associated with will be contacted to find out if we are to be deemed worthy of writing a check and we will be video monitored our entire visit to their fine establishment. Yep, 1984 has arrived, folks.

The Diva has spoken at 11:39 PM CST
Today's the day
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go! I am going to WM to officially put in my application for employment. Here's the funny thing - the manager over the automotive department, which I will soon be working in, already has me on the schedule. I'm thinking this is what some people call "a sure thing".

Paul came home the other night after work and every night, without fail I ask him "How was your day?" And every day, without fail his answer is "Sucked." But that particular night after he said "sucked" he said, "Know of anyone who needs a job? We gotta hire a bunch of people and SOON." I said, "Uh HELLO. Your WIFE. I need a job, dipshit!" He said, "Gimme the phone, I'll call m'boss." He called her and asked if she would be hiring for the counter and she asked, "Who do you have for me?" He said, "My wife" and she said, "I want her." Ah, it's good to be loved. Or at least needed.

So several more phone calls and conversations between the manager and us, we got it lined out. I will work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and still continue to watch Chandler Monday - Thursday like I do now. Paul's days off are Monday/Tuesday now, but she said she'd try to get him Sunday/Monday off in the near future, as soon as they get fully staffed again. So Heather has already agreed to keep Kady for me on Fridays and get the kids from school. Saturdays Paul works 7-3 and I work 3-9. I'll take the kids to town with me and pass them off to their father when my shift starts. Sundays Paul is scheduled 8-4 and I'm scheduled 4-9. Again, we shuffle children between the two of us, between shifts. I talked to Mom last night and she said that there would be times she could pick up some slack, too. I think it's going to work out, it may just take some getting used to.

The kids aren't all that excited about their momma working. In fact, they're all pretty much against it. Abby's having the most trouble comprehending it, bless her heart. But I think Kady's going to have the most trouble adjusting. Frankly, I'm having a hard time comprehending and adjusting to it as well.

Plus, now I'm faced with another quandry - I guess I have to quit right now talking about my job because of that whole dooce thing. Damn. Unless of course, I come up with silly names for the place I'm employed and my co-workers. But then I'll have to go back through here and rewrite everything I've ever written about Wal-Mart - I mean, the Mega Store That Monopolizes and Puts Small Businesses Under. Hmm... too harsh, me thinks. about The Store. And the department we work in is the Shoelace Department. How's that sound? Think we can all keep that straight?

Holy fucking shit, I'm going to get a job.

The Diva has spoken at 10:42 AM CST
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
Mood:  silly
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Brief overview of the day:

* Trip to Tulsa - uneventful. Hit the last of morning rush hour, but handled it with skill, grace and poise. Yesssssss.

* Visit with cardiologist - smashingly GREAT. Ab's heart is still fine, she is considered 100% healthy and normal and we never have to see that wonderful doctor again.

* Lunch with oldest daughter - precious. We ate at McDonald's (where else) and just enjoyed a rather shockingly grown up conversation. She talked to me over her apple dippers like she'd talk to a girlfriend. We shared, we laughed, I nearly bawled when it hit me just how big she's getting.

*Drive home - uneventful.

*Afternoon at sister's house - nice. Hung out, laughed, played with her adorable little babysittin' baby, ate Dippin' Strips (It's pizza people. Cut into strips. Entirely overrated.) and she paid. Yessssssssss.

* Parent Teacher Conferences - Wonderful! My daughter has the most beautiful cursive handwriting I've ever seen, (I'm glad that cursive is what she'll use in the adult world, because from the looks of her printing, she was gonna have problems) is still a wonderful reader, happy and well-adjusted. My son is a superstar reader as well, a super wonderful precious child with empathy, compassion and leadership abilities that well surpass those of any other 6 year old I know. (Stop me if I'm making y'all nauseous from all the bragging.)

* First class of 12-week financial management course - Started out not so good, but ended up hysterical.

*Trip to Wal-Mart - Hilarious. It always is with my sister.

Best parts of the day:
**When my sister was oh so delicately trying to ask a question during the finance mgt class about what if someone you know has a spouse who just flat refuses to cooperate and won't hand over his paycheck and won't follow a budget. I'm listening along, wondering who in the world is she asking about. Of course, everyone in the room thinks she's really asking for herself, even though she repeatedly said she wasn't. When she finally, after fielding question after question about her "friend", said, "Look, okay? This person's husband is a redneck and has his own ways of doing things and she can't make him cooperate!" When she said "redneck" I looked up with shock and realized, "Oh shit, she's talking about ME!" I slowly raised my hand and felt everyone in the room look at me as I said, "Okay, I'M the one married to the redneck she's talking about." She turned red, sorry she just pretty much told the class that her brother in law is a stubborn money-hoarder. I just patted her on the shoulder and said, "You really are a good sister." And she is. But man, was it funny watching her dig that whole. We laughed hysterically all the way to Wal-Mart.

**When standing in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart, I asked my sister "So, how much do you think what I have on the belt there is gonna cost?" She looked it all over and said, "Eh, $110." I said, "Oh crap I hope not! I only have $43 in my checkbook!" She laughed and so did the cashier. When the total was finally declared, it came to a mere $37. I said, "Yesssss! I didn't have to write a hot check! Of course, now I can't pay the electric bill...." She very sympathetically said, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Our gas has been AWFUL this year!" The cashier stopped in mid-scan and I stopped in mid-putting a sack in the cart and she stopped and said, "OHHHH! I meant our gas BILL has been bad! BILL!! Gas BILL!"

The Diva has spoken at 10:49 PM CST
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Before I head off to Dreamland, a post
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Well, I doubled my money playing electronic Blackjack last night. Then a few hours later lost it all. Gambling is a cold-hearted bitch sometimes.

We had a great time last night, though. Mom, Sis and I all hit the casino about the same time. We always meet up with Mom's friend, Bev, and her other friend, Angie. Heather and I obviously have no friends. Oh, wait a minute, Heather's friend, Melissa, met us out there, too. I am the one with no friends. Silly me for forgetting that one. And Angie won the 10:00 $500 drawing - go Angie! I had stuck a $10 in my pocket as I walked out the door, thinking I wouldn't use it to gamble on - just wanted to have some cash on me in case my car broke down on the way home and I had to bribe some passerby into helping me. Yah. Well, there are only like 10 RedBall machines in that entire Big Fancy Casino. Heck, the Not So Big and Not Quite as Fancy Casino has more than that! That is one aspect of Buffalo Run I am not happy with. Anyway, I kind of stalked those machines awhile, waiting for my chance to pounce upon an empty chair. Good machines are hard to come by before 10 on Ladies' Night anyway and especially harder to come by when there are only 10 of that particular machine. Finally, Sis asked this chick who was obviously just sitting there not playing if she was using the machine. She hatefully shot back, "I'm sitting here, aren't I?" Yikes, beyotch, step OFF. But soon the nice lady on the end caught my eye and asked if I wanted her machine. I thanked her and sat next to the hateful bitch and proceded to play my game. The machine makes noise when you Blackjack. Every time my machine would ring that woman would just about give herself whiplash looking to see what I had done. I got my original $10 up to $30 in a hurry. And you could see that with every thing in her she wanted to switch over and play it too, but her bitchy pride kept her from it. I was laughing inside. I was winning and she was not. It was a good thing. I played back down to $20 and figured that doubling my money in less than an hour and getting quite a bit of satisfaction in driving the woman next to me slowly insane was not a bad deal and cashed out.

Okay, the chairs are kind of higher chairs. Kind of like a barstool, but with a comfy chair cushion. I am a short person and my legs come nowhere near the ground when I'm sitting there. So to dismount, it takes a little wiggling and scooting to get to where I don't fall face-first onto the floor.

I KID YOU NOT, one foot was about 6 inches from the floor, I still had one butt-cheek still ON THE CHAIR and a woman sat in my chair. Talk about anxious. Of course, when I walked by her later, obviously stalking that machine again, she was up to $100, so I kind of understood her wanting to get right up on in there and start playing. It would've been really funny, though, if I had had the presence of mind to pretend I was tying my shoe or something. I never think that quick, though.

I ended up losing my free play shamefully in a series of slot-machine fiascos. I was down to a measley .86 and feeling pretty low. Heather found me a penny machine and I ended up getting up to $10, played down to $5 and headed home. Mom wanted the three of us to leave together because she said she had things for us in her car. I came home with $5 in my pocket, 3 hours of entertainment memories, including a nice conversation with Courtney, two boxes of Cookie Crisp cereal and a new container of Lysol wipes. I could've combatted anything on the way home last night - cold and flu germs, a raging case of the munchies, and $5 to bribe passersby if I had had car trouble.

Tonight we are getting more rain. It's delightful. Delightfully depressing in a sad kind of way. We've gotten roughly 47,000 inches of rain in the last 24 hours and Paul has started drawing up blue-prints for an ark. Good news, if that's possible, is that it's supposed to get miserably cold tomorrow night. It's not supposed to get any colder than 35 tomorrow, meaning that the rain will remain rain. BUT when it gets down to 17 tomorrow night, all that rain will freeze. And the temp on Thursday isn't supposed to get above freezing. We might at least get some ice out of the deal. Ice isn't snow, man, but it's cold and it has the potential of keeping my children out of school.

This means I can finally build that cakey village and watch as the Shortcake Crew once again foils that nasty bitch, Sour Grapes. There is hope.

I doubt I post tomorrow or the next day, friends. Tomorrow we'll drive to Tahlequah to await the entire day in the Cherokee Tribal Tag Office, in order to save roughly $800 on the truck tag. I'm thinking that after spending one whole day with my husband and my 3-year-old in a dismal tag office, that $800 would've been money well-spent on a regular tag. Then Thursday Sam has an eye doctor appointment in the am. He's started reversing some letters when he writes. I noticed it over Christmas break, but honestly, I ignored it. I figured he was being lazy and didn't say a word to him about it. Courtney told me today that he did it at school, plus he's been squinting. Abby started wearing glasses in Kindergarten, so it will not surprise me in the least if the doctor says his eyes are going to crap. They can thank their grandfather for those eyes. Heredity sucks. I got 'em too, kids. Then in the afternoon, we'll make YET ANOTHER trip to the dentist in Tulsa because THIS TIME one entire band to Ab's headgear seemingly slipped off her tooth. No, we didn't break it this time - the sucker just came unglued. How delightful. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even try the headgear. I mentioned this to Mom, complaining that it's been broken more than it hasn't since she had the thing installed. Mom said that already she could see a difference in her mouth and that she felt that, even though it's a hassle, it's worth it. Motherly advice is golden. She's my voice of reason through all the muddled crap streaming through my ears. She's my lighthouse in the foggy night of my life. She is the wind beneath my wings. Oh good Lord in Heaven, I just quoted a Bette Midler song. Someone shoot me. Please?

Please look back to the archives and peruse the wonderfullness of my past ramblings while I'm gone. Or feel free to ask me a question you've just been dying to know. Or something else silly like that. I dunno, entertain yourselves and report back to me by Friday. 1000 words or less, #2 pencil and fill in all circles completely.

The Diva has spoken at 10:39 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, January 4, 2005 10:44 PM CST
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Yes, that would be me
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Yep, it's me. Really. It is truly me.

I'm the one peeking over the top of the stacked Rubbermaid boxes. The one with not a drop of makeup on, yet strangely my skin is smeared with blotches of mint green, yellow and "oats" colored paint. The one with my hair in the fuzziest ponytail ever contained by an elastic ponytail holder. The one in her awesomely cool pj pants, no bra and lemme check...nope, no underwear either. The one with multiple sore toes because I've stubbed them on the kabillions of toys scattered about my once-clean and neat house. The one who fell asleep on her couch last night, fully dressed to shoes, at 8:20. The one who has 3 children who are dressed in the clothes of their own choosing and I don't believe a comb has touched either girls' hair and frankly, I don't want to be the one to do that when it's time. I'm the one that has threatened my children multiple times over the last 48 hours with "I WILL NEVER BUY YOU ANOTHER TOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU OR I LIVE!" and I have also told them that next year they are getting nothing but savings bonds and McDonald's gift certificates for Christmas because they have too many toys and they don't take care of them either. I have threatened to make them live with the "kids who live in cars" - as my sister so bluntly puts it - so they can see what it's like to have no toys and then maybe just MAYBE they'd appreciate them more.

But yep, it's me and I'm back. And you SO know that I will be blogging my tired ass off tonight about the events of the Disastrous Room Moving Adventure of 2004.

The Diva has spoken at 11:40 AM CST
Monday, December 27, 2004
If . . .
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
. . . for some reason I slip under the radar for a few days it's because of one of the following reasons:

1. I decided the mess in my house was just too much to handle and I moved out in the dark of night, taking only my digital camera and cigarettes.

2. I killed my husband and am currently on the run because he and I do not do home-improvement projects together well at. all.

3. I am just completely and utterly exhausted.

4. I won some big-ass jackpot at the Big Fancy Casino and I'm on a wild spending spree at Wal-Mart and Best Buy.

5. Or the mess in my house got so bad that instead of moving out, I just sat down in the corner one night to cry and have been there since.

I'll leave you to ponder which one it is, but rest assured that, even if I'm on the run, the pull of blogging will bring me to a computer. Even if it's from the public library in Tomahawk, Wisconsin, and I am sitting at the public computer in a trench coat and sunglasses, armed with a bottle of hand sanitizer, because have you ever thought about all the germs on those things? And even if I've ended up sitting in a corner crying for 3 days, I'll eventually decide that the story is just too good and it merits blogging, even in the midst of my depression.

I really think I'll be blogging again by Tuesday, though, if you wanna know the truth. Spending an entire day with my husband, mother and sister AND 5, possibly 6, children while we paint 3 rooms, steam clean the carpet in one and rearrange my entire house is SO gonna be a blog-worthy event.

The Diva has spoken at 12:03 AM CST
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
I am nearly finished with my Christmas shopping! Okay, so Diva, why are you just now doing the shopping for the presents, don't you know it's a mere week till the commencing of the Christmas?

Yes, faithful reader, I do realize this. In years past I have finished my entire shopping quota by the first of November and just pick up stocking stuffers and school gifts closer to the Christmas. But this year we seemed to have purchased a new TRUCK somewhere like oh around November 18th and well, funds have been a tad hard to come by. I managed to talk husband into selling some of his precious Wal-Mart stock, which I know is a poor financial decision, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Of course, I'm hoping soon that that precious Wal-Mart stock will be rolled over into something else, if that's even possible. (*Note: Never give financially unstable and positively ignorant rednecks stock options. They are dangerous with it.)

Yes, Husband has a job interview tomorrow!! I'm crossing my fingers, praying, lighting candles, giving him sex and various other ego-boosting treats, and if I could round up a virgin and a volcano I'd be doing that, too, in hopes that this interview goes so well that by January we will no longer be Wal-Martians. Although, I will miss that hefty 10% discount at the But he really hates working there and frankly, I'm sick of hearing him bitch about it. We shall see.

Tomorrow is another whirlwind day. Oh but first let me tell you about today! I left my house precisely when I had planned to - a major feat when taking 4 children with you. I ran Addison's glasses to her at the school, since we kinda left them here last after she went to sleep and her daddy picked her up late. I dropped Sam at the school, then took Ab to town to get her new glasses and take care of a WIC appointment that I oops, forgot yesterday. Then it was back to school to drop off the girl and back home where I was so productive and organized it frightened me somewhat. I made phone calls, made appointments, contacted people for some Girl Scout things, cleaned off my bar, cleaned off my desk, got everything laid out for the Brownie meeting and had enough time left over to sit down and watch CMT for about 30 minutes. I LOVE accomplishing things! Normally I feel like I'm doing nothing more than treading water and making no progress, but today the planets were in enough of an alignment that I got things DONE.

Then I got my Christmas shopping done.

Tomorrow I have to run back into town in the morning to drop a princess dress at the cleaners. It's been moved from hope chest, to window seat, to KD's bed, to KD's floor and now it's wadded up in KD's closet floor since Halloween. Time to launder that puppy, methinks. Then I have to fill up the van because we have yet another dentist appointment in Tulsa tomorrow afternoon. I think somewhere in there KD and I might possibly find time to eat, although it will probably be in the van. Then we're off to the school to make nothing more than brief appearances at the parties that can't start until 2 and we have to leave town at 2. Fortunately Ab's teacher is letting her exchange her gift just a hair early. Sis is going with me to Tulsa tomorrow to pick up a Christmas present. Bub is picking up Sam from school so he can go to karate and Sis and I are taking the 2, possibly 3, girls with us. After the dentist (I broke Abby's headgear AGAIN, so I'm sure a lecture will ensue) we'll do our shopping then head back home. I'm sure heavy drinking will be a part of my evening once I return home.

Then Saturday is Miss Kady's birthday party and our Glenn Family Christmas. We don't exchange gifts any more, but we adopt a family from the angel tree. When KD's party is over we clear off the kitchen table and the whole fam damily wraps gifts and puts together a food basket. It's seriously awesome family time with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

THEN finally after the wrapping of the presents and the "grownups" leave (Grammy With the Circle Head is taking all 5 grandchildren, bless her angel soul)

IT'S FESTIVUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Diva has spoken at 11:28 PM CST
Thursday, December 9, 2004
No clever (or even unclever) title whatsoever
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Go Super Mom, Go!
Another busy, busy day. I left my house at 9:30 this morning and walked back through the door at 3:58, just minutes before Brownies started, which of course is held at my house. My dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and had been sitting there full of stinking dirty dishes for 2 days because I was out of dishwasher detergent and had been for 3 days. I also had another nearly complete load of dirty nasty dishes sitting in my sink. The dining room table had enough dropped food and crumbs under it to feed at least 3 homeless people. The bathroom was bordering on biohazard status. The living room had 4 gazillion toys scattered all over the floor. There were dirty towels piled in the hallway and I'm pretty sure there was a pair of dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, but they're strangely gone now, so I'm thinking my sister saved me from mortification by either throwing them away or hiding them somewhere. I wanted to cry when I watched 'Kenzie's mom walk down my hall toward that nasty bathroom. I'm sure her house is spotless.

But the Brownie meeting went fabulously! I loved sitting in the Brownie circle with those girls, talking about taking our Winter Survival Kits to the women's shelter and talking about our carolling expedition the week of Christmas and hey, 4 of the 5 girls sang their hearts out when we practiced. Mackie mouthed the words and I just KNOW that one of these days we will actually hear words come from that child's mouth! (She is so precious, Christy!) We made 10 Survival Kits, ate Double Stuff Oreos, and had a grand ol' time.

Sis and I spent the day in Joplin, agh. It was supposed to be a quick trip up there and back, but we spent over an hour at the Girl Scout Council office making copies, taking a tour of the place, registering my girls, getting a troop number, checking out patches, buying books and manuals, and just in general getting excited about Scouting. Then it was off to the mall to exchange a few things, pick up a few things. THEN off to the WM to pick up a few things. Notice how we spent the day "picking up a few things"? And we ran nearly everywhere we went. I feel like I run everywhere these days. Like Forrest Gump "I was run-ning".

Now I'm in my pj's, watching ER over my shoulder while I type, and patiently awaiting the arrival of 10 o'clock when it's over so I can go to bed. Oh the flannel-ness of those sheets!

Tomorrow KD and I are staying at home all day until it's time to take Sam to karate. She's going to "wash" her dishes, which is basically her standing in a chair, flinging bubbles all over the place, giggling like a loon and in turn, buying me about an hour of cleaning. Then she's going to write on the white-board, something she's been looking forward to all week. I'm going to turn her loose with the dry-erase markers and watch her go. It's gonna be a good day, I can tell. I love Fridays because it's just me and KD.

The Diva and the Princess. Yeah.

The Diva has spoken at 9:29 PM CST

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